Where Our Fate Lies
by AylenBc
Summary: Years ago, one simple papercut started a chain of events, causing everyone to learn that whether you're vampire or human, the burden of loss always hurts. When Carlisle comes across a familiar face during his solitude, he arrives just in time to save the dying girl he once knew. But just as two broken hearts have the chance to heal each other, an enemy from the past returns. AU BxC
1. Chapter 1: Hollow

**Pairing: Bella/Carlisle**

**Notes/warnings: This is my first piece of fanfiction I've ever written, and English is not my native language. Therefore all the possible mistakes in the grammar are only mine, and I apologize for them in advance. **

**The story starts five years after Bella's birthday party in New Moon. She hasn't been in contact with the Cullens since they left her. The story is told by both Bella's and Carlisle's point of views. The M-rating becomes justified every now and then, although the scenes requiring the rating aren't too graphic. If they are, there will be a warning at the beginning of that chapter.  
**

**I fell in love with this pairing a few years back, and there was no turning back anymore. The chemistry between these two is something that I just couldn't ignore. Some people see it, and some people don't. Especially Carlisle's character is always been a huge topic of fascination for me, and I think that Stephenie Meyer didn't explore the true depth of his character nearly enough. I'm making a frail attempt to delve in deeper - sometimes I succeed, and sometimes I don't.**

**In my story the relationship between Bella and Carlisle evolves very slowly, and hopefully in a way that is natural enough. The first few chapters are short ones, and I admit that my writing can be sometimes stiff - especially the first few chapters are. But the they will get a lot longer down the road, and hopefully better :)  
**

**Disclaimer: All the canon characters are the property of Stephenie Meyer. I don't own them, I'm only playing with her creations.  
**

* * *

_**Every night and every morn,**_

_**Some to misery are born,**_

_**Every morn and every night,**_

_**Some are born to sweet delight.**_

_**Some are born to sweet delight,**_

_**Some are born to endless night. **_

-William Blake-

* * *

**Hollow**

CPOV

The corridors of the building were white and unending.

My footsteps clattered against the surface of the sterile floor as I tried to make it through yet another empty day. And after the empty day would become the night, one even emptier than the day had been. Solitude and desolation were my only companions.

Had it always been this way? Had it always been an endless struggle to fulfill my duties as a doctor, as a person?

No. It had not. Everything had changed - I had changed. Not from the outside, because that was utterly impossible for a vile creature like myself. But from inside I was only a shadow of what I used to be. If my unbeating heart had been stone cold before, it was now frozen. And I knew nothing would ever warm it up again.

My feet took me around the corner. Before my eyes I saw another white corridor with doors on each side. The doors were all closed, and the irony of the situation didn't manage to escape me. This place described my existence all too well. An empty corridor with closed doors, with lost opportunities. I could stop on my way to knock on one of those doors, but there was no one to open it up - no one would bother to answer.

Eventually I'd stop knocking.

And I would continue my journey towards the end of the hallway. It would be a journey that lasted forever, and a very lonely journey at that.

The sound of my footsteps was loud in my ears as the bottoms of my shoes clapped against the blank surface. Walking silently and without a sound was more natural to me. It was even profitable if you happened to be a deathly predator. But now, I didn't bother to conceal my presence as I drifted inside the sleeping hospital.

Because my feet were too heavy, as was the stone cold heart in my chest. Every step was heavier than the one before, and with every step I moved farther away from the place I had come from. Farther away from what I had used to be.

The thought brought me both relief and dolour.

Neither of those feelings was welcome.


	2. Chapter 2: Wounds

******Stephenie Meyer owns Twilight :)**

* * *

_**I have been one acquainted with the night.**_

_**I have walked out in rain - and back in rain.**_

_**I have outwalked the furthest city light.**_

_**I have looked down the saddest city lane**_

_**I have passed by the watchman on his beat**_

_**And dropped my eyes, unwilling to explain.**_

_xxx_

_**I have stood still and stopped the sound of feet**_

_**When far away an interrupted cry**_

_**Came over houses from another street,**_

_**But not to call me back or say good-bye;**_

_**And further still at an unearthly height,**_

_**One luminary clock against the sky**_

_xxx_

_**Proclaimed the time was neither wrong nor right.**_

_**I have been one acquainted with the night. **_

-Robert Frost-

* * *

**Wounds**

CPOV

"I brought you the background information about the patient you'll be attending."

I was startled from my reverie as one of my fellow colleagues peeked into my office with a patient file in her hands. My gaze had been glued to the window as I observed the darkening evening outside. It was the time of twilight. The most safe and natural time of day brought me no feeling of stability.

"Thank you Dr. Wiley," I said, searching for my professional mask to hide all my other feelings. I had my duties to perform - it was time to focus on helping humans and saving lives. It was still my true calling, my true passion, was it not?

I very much wanted it to be.

"You're welcome, Dr. Cullen."

I sighed quietly as I glanced at the woman leaning against the doorframe of my office. She held a green file folder between her fingers.

Doctor Ellen Wiley was on her early thirties, a professional from head to toe. Yesterday she had given me a short introduction of the hospital as I had first set my foot in this foreign building. It was difficult not to like her - she was very talkative and cheerful, but not too pushy or curious about me. And I was grateful for that simple lack of interest. Rejecting and warding off women who were trying to make inappropriate insinuations was tiresome. Being a vampire was a mere curse sometimes. Someone always noticed my difference, that difference which was a way of survival for the most of my kind.

I had no need for that difference. My presence wasn't meant for attracting any possible prey, nor it was to form any kind of relationships. The action was too risky for my existence. Not that I had any interest forming relationships to anyone, other than work-related.

Love was something too painful for me to bear right now.

"I'm sorry to bother you already now, I know your shift doesn't start until seven."

Dr. Wiley's voice pierced my thoughts. I hadn't realised that I had drowned in my thoughts again, and the young doctor must have misunderstood my silence. I swiftly took the white lab-coat from the rack and shrugged it on leisurely.

"It's no bother, Dr. Wiley. I'll be more than glad to start a little earlier." There were more important things to do than wallow in the past. It would never come back.

Dr. Wiley wasted no time and got to business. "This patient has been in this hospital for a few months now. She has a terminal leukemia which has spread to her bone marrow. She has been receiving cytostatic treatments without any results." She looked very somber at this point. "We estimate that she doesn't have much time to live. And at times she implies that she has no will to get better." She kept her tone very professional as she briefed me, but I could see that the state of this patient made her very sad. This was the unpleasant side of being a medical doctor - as professional as you tried to be, it didn't always mean that you wouldn't sympathise.

"Any close relatives?" I asked. "Someone we should inform?"

"No. Both of her parents are dead. No siblings, no cousings. She's relatively new in this town, she moved here last year if I remember correctly. I've asked if she wants any friends to be informed, but she says no."

I nodded as I exited my office. Dr. Wiley shut the door behind me as she handed me the file.

"Her room is at 14th floor," she informed, starting to lead me towards the the elevators.

It was only then when I bothered to look at the green folder more accurately. And what I saw made me stop dead on my tracks.

The world stopped turning, and if I'd had a functioning heart, it would have skipped a beat. It was as if someone had poured a bucket of icy water on me as I stared at the black letters printed on the green page.

_It could not be_.

"Dr. Cullen? Is there something wrong?"

I tore my gaze from the folder, glancing at Dr. Wiley's form. Confusion was evident in her gray eyes.

"No. Of course not," I breathed, trying to hide my shock as I stepped into the elevator with her.

My eyes wandered to the folder's cover once more, reading the name over and over again. As if I could force the black letters to change their order, so that they could form a new name.

Any other name...

The doors of the elevator opened as did the old wounds in my soul.


	3. Chapter 3: Breathing

******Stephenie Meyer owns Twilight :)**

* * *

_**Now I lay me down to sleep,**_

_**I pray the Lord my soul to keep,**_

_**thy angels watch me through the night,**_

_**And keep me safe till morning's light**_

_xx_

_**Now I lay me down to sleep,**_

_**I pray the Lord my soul to keep,**_

_**If I should die before I wake,**_

_**Bless me Lord my soul to take**_

_xx_

_**Now I lay me down to sleep,**_

_**I pray the Lord my soul to keep**_

_**Angels watch me through the night,**_

_**And wake me with the morning light**_

-A classic children's prayer from 18th century-

* * *

**Breathing**

CPOV

She looked so fragile.

I closed my eyes, and secretly savored the music that was her heartbeat. It sounded so safe and familiar, and suddenly I found myself thinking back the last time I had been near her, hearing the comfort of her breathing, smelling the unique floral scent of her blood. It had been years since that day - a lifetime - , and still it seemed like it had only been yesterday.

_"How can you do this? Even Alice and Esme..." I was taking care of her arm, removing splinters of glass from the wound. _

_ "Years and years of practise. I barely notice the scent anymore." She seemed curious, or maybe she was only searching for a disctraction by asking questions. I knew that the sight and smell of blood made her ill. _

_ "Do you think it would be harder if you took a vacation from the hospital for a long time. And weren't around any blood?" Her chocolate brown eyes were searching my face. _

_ "Maybe. I've never felt the need of an extended holiday," I answered with a bright smile. "I enjoy my work too much." She was still looking at me with curiousness in her._

_ "What is it that you enjoy?" _

I wrenched myself from the memory, opening my eyes and brushing my fingers across the corridor's window.

On the other side of the glass, a delicate figure was lying down in a hospital bed. Her skin was almost as pale as the sheets beneath her slender body, and a veil of dark mahogany hair stood out against the paleness.

Why hadn't I seen this coming? Why hadn't Alice seen it?

_Bella..._

"You know her?"

I hadn't realised that I had said her name aloud. Even Dr. Wiley's presence managed to surprise me - I had forgotten that she was here.

"I knew her," I answered evasively. "A long time ago. We lived in a same town for a short period of time."

Except it was not that long ago. And yet, why did it feel like it all had happened in another life?

"Oh? A small world, huh?" Dr. Wiley stated.

Luckily she didn't press the matter any futher, only threw another sad glance at the sleeping girl, wishing me luck as she turned to leave. "She seems lonely. Wants to keep to herself." Dr. Wiley took a few steps and added over her shoulder: "Maybe she'll be glad to see a familiar face."

_Very unlikely.  
_

"Dr. Wiley, wait."

Dr. Wiley turned around and raised her eyebrows in a questioning manner.

"I was thinking about what you told me earlier," I pondered. "You said that her parents are dead. Do you know what happened to them?"

Her earlier words were bothering me; what could have happened to Charlie? And to Renée, the happy person who was always trying out new hobbies and exploring everything the life had to offer. A harebrained mother, that's what Bella had once good-naturatedly called her.

"Her father died four years ago in a work-related shooting - he was a police officer."

I didn't trust my voice, so I only nodded. But my mind was teeming. The mention of the shooting in a small town like Forks was simply unbelivable. You would think that a crime such as that would have caught my attention somehow, but apparently I had missed it.

"What about her mother?" I asked, feeling that I already had received enough bad news for one evening. But I needed to know.

"She was killed in a car accident a year later, along with her husband if I remember correctly." If Dr. Wiley's voice had been steady and professional before, it now was full of pity. She glanced at sleeping girl once again.

"Such a beautiful young girl," she continued. "She's all alone in this world. It's almost like bad luck is chasing her to everywhere she goes, and it won't give up until it's caught her. I wish there was something we could do for her." After one last glance, Dr. Wileys auburn curls bounced as she turned on her heels, making her way through the white corridor.

I turned my attention back to the fragile sleeping human, hoping and praying that I hadn't brought more bad luck to her by being in her presence.

* * *

**A/N: It really is a small world, huh? Poor Carlisle, it really was a shock to him to run into Bella on the second day of his new job. I wonder how Bella will react when sees him?**

**I'm sorry if I upset someone by killing off Bella's parents and Phil. Bella's luck really sucks sometimes.  
**

**The flashback that Carlisle experiences at the beginning of this chapter is from the book New Moon, but obviously from Carlisle's point of view. The talk between them was a nice moment between Bella and Carlisle, as was the scene in the movie.  
**

**The sentences:**

** "How can you do this? Even Alice and Esme...",**

** "Years and years of practise. I barely notice the scent anymore.", **

**"Do you think it would be harder if you took a vacation from the hospital for a long time. And weren't around any blood?", **

**"Maybe. I've never felt the need of an extended holiday.",**

** "I enjoy my work too much." and**

** "What is it that you enjoy?"  
**

**are direct quotes from the book New Moon. And I still don't own anything (unfortunately), Stephenie Meyer does :)  
**


	4. Chapter 4: Harbor

_******Stephenie Meyer owns Twilight :)**_

* * *

_**Could you take away the hurt**_

_**If I reached blindly for your hand**_

_**Or would you simply turn away**_

_**And not want to understand**_

_xx_

_**So many reasons I hold on**_

_**None of which I can explain**_

_**But my time will one day end**_

_**Like a gentle summer rain**_

_xx_

_**I saw an aging flower today**_

_**All alone and slowly dying**_

_**A single tear slid down my cheek**_

_**I felt better for the crying **_

-D.L. Whited-

* * *

**Harbor**

BPOV

I was floating.

Blades of grass were tickling my cheek. The sunshine was warm on my skin, and the echoes of laughter loud but soft around me. I idly wondered where the laughter was coming from. I'd thought I was alone in this place that seemed to be so full of warmth. The source of that happy laughter made me curious, but I couldn't see anything; my eyes were closed. And I wasn't ready to break my little bubble of perfection by opening them.

I was finally content.

I was allowed for it, wasn't I? Only even for a moment. They owed me that much.

I didn't know who I meant by 'they'. Did I mean the doctors who where always poking me with needles, or the nurses who strode perkily around my room, asking how my day had been so far.

_Same as yesterday, same as the day before... _

Or maybe I meant the people who had caused me enough pain for it to last for several lifetimes? Intentionally or unintentionally.

I decided to stop my inner rambling. It couldn't be good if you were debating with yourself. And besides, this place was far too peaceful for things like that.

The ground under me was warm, and for once I was enjoying just simply lying down. There were no pains and aches to ruin the moment. The illness that was slowy devouring my body and mind wasn't present in here.

Because in here, there were only good things, enjoyable things. Had I died and gone to heaven?

Something was touching my arm, and it made me slightly alarmed. But whatever it was, I realized that I wasn't really afraid of it. There was no fear here.

I sighed quietly and cracked my eyelids open.

Someone was staring back at me. Deep, pale blue orbs were watching me intently, and for a moment I just looked back at them, wondering if an angel had come down from the heavens to critisize me about my inactiveness.

But then the orbs were gone, and instead of the accusing voice I expected to hear, I only heard that same happy laughter. I lifted my head, trying to pinpoint the location of the sound.

And now I could see the holder of those two blue orbs.

A little girl was dancing and running around a field, her sandy blonde hair bouncing and swirling in the summer breeze. I almost envied her agility and suppleness, and the way she was loping and darting among the grass. Almost - because it was impossible to be jaundiced and sour in her precense. It was like watching the dance of a fairy.

Or maybe she truly was an angel.

"Come with me!" she suddenly chimed, and started to prance towards the forest.

"To where?" I asked.

She frowned at me confusedly. "To the springs," she said, like it was somehow self-evident. She looked at me funnily, her expression indicating that I was acting a little bit silly when I asked something like that. "You do know the springs, do you?"

The truth was that I had no idea what she was talking about. Why were these springs so significant?

"No," I answered.

The girl with the hair of sand watched me intently. Then she danced her way to me, taking my hand.

"It's okay. I'll teach you everything you have to know. This is the right place for you."

I was confused again. But at the same time I felt completely safe - everything would be okay.

"This way." The little girl started to lead me across the summerfield. Suddenly she let my hand fall away from her grasp, and stormed away.

"Wait! Don't go yet!" I expected that I would start panicking for being alone in this weird place, but all I could feel was ease and calmness.

Then I heard the laughter again. It was still happy with a little tinge of mischief mixed into it. My gaze sweeped the flowery field to find the little girl.

But I was alone.

"Where are you? Come back," I pleaded. I didn't even know this little girl, but somehow I knew that I had to see her again. My sanity would depend on it.

"I'm right beside you, Isabella."

And there she really was, sitting on the ground as though she had always been there. Only now she was holding a blue straw in her hands, and was blowing huge and glistening bubbles with it.

"Who are you?" I probed. The girl chuckled, and blew a few more bubbles with her straw.

I waited patiently. I was in no hurry.

"You know who I am," she suddenly stated, making me frown. I tried to figure out what her words meant.

Her blue eyes gleamed together with the bubbles as I sat down next to her.

She handed me another straw and we just sat there, blowing bubbles together, and watching them rise to the skies and all the way to the universe and beyond.

* * *

**A/N: **And so Bella makes her first appearance. What is the that place where she wakes up in? And who's the sandy haired little girl? :)


	5. Chapter 5: Unexpected

**Stephenie Meyer owns Twilight :)**

* * *

_**I'd had more than my fair share of near death experiences;**_

_**it wasn't something you ever really got used to.**_

_**It seemed oddly inevitable, though, facing death again.**_

_**Like I really was marked for disaster.**_

_**I'd escaped time and time again,**_

_**but it kept coming back for me.**_

-Bella Swan, _Breaking Dawn_-

* * *

**Unexpected**

BPOV

I wondered where the sun went.

The ground was getting uncomfortable beneath me. Hadn't it just been really nice and warm? And where was the little girl - she didn't even tell me her name yet.

I tried to shift my position so I could be more comfortable. And when I realised that my back ached horribly.

Awesome.

I opened my eyes slowly, still savoring the feelings of my recent dream. For the first time in a long time I'd felt that I didn't have to be alone any longer. Disappointment washed over me. After that came the numbness.

By the numbness I meant an emotional one. I had learned to manage any physical pain, toning it down so I could feel it only on the background. It was forgotten every now and then, but not completely. The pain was like the devil itself, reminding me of its presence every time I almost succeeded in forgetting it. This was my living hell, and I honestly couldn't wait until I could experience the sweet relief of death. Maybe I could even see that little girl again. She had been a curious little creature.

I stared at the empty wall of my room. The nurses had suggested that I should bring pictures and posters to brighten it up a little, but I had refused. What difference would it make if I died in a room with a few posters sticked to the wall? As if it made dying somehow easier.

I sighed, reminding myself that I had promised not to get bitter.

I tried focusing on the beeping sound that was always heard in my room. It was annoying, but I'd gotten used to it after all these months. The fancy maschine monitoring my heartbeat was the cause of the noise.

_Be- beep, be-beep, be-beep, be-beep. _

The beeping was a little too fast - I knew my heart was strained and tired. And so was I.

Someone had turned the hourglass.

The door opened hesitantly, and I thought it was probably a nurse coming in to ask if I wanted a shot of painkillers. Maybe I should pretend to be sleeping. It was a nighttime afterall, wasn't it?

I had mixed up days and nights a long time ago. At the beginning of my sickness I'd tried to keep up with some a sort of a day rhythm, but eventually I had given up.

Someone cleared his throat, and I turned to see the person who had stepped into my atmosphere of dissatisfaction.

Was I dreaming after all? The man standing on the doorway wasn't anyone I'd expected to see ever again in my entire life.

_This is not happening. _

All I could do was to stare.

He hadn't changed a bit. That suprised me a little, although I knew it shouldn't have. He was the same man I'd once considered as a family member, the same man with the same golden hair, the same golden eyes and same pale white marble skin...

Wait - this was _not_ happening.

"Bella, are you all right? Please don't distress yourself." His velvety voice sounded genuinely worried as he stepped by my bedside.

The monitors had gone frenzy. I hadn't realised I was gasping for breath. I tried to push myself up on bed despite of all the aches and the fact that my limbs felt like they were made of pure lead.

"Don't try to sit up, your blood pressure is too low," he said, pushing me gently back to the pillows. Then he just stood there, watching me as I tried to regain my bearings. Regain my sanity.

Many emotions battled within me as I stared up at him.

"Carlisle?" His name was like a prayer on my numb lips, sounding foreign and familiar at the same time. It was like a flimsy memory from the past life - I hadn't allowed myself even to think of any of their names after they left me all those years ago.

I watched intensively as his golden eyes drilled into mine, and for a moment I felt naked and exposed. It was like he had torn my soul open for him and to everyone to see. All the suppressed memories, good ones and bad, all the heartache, all the suffering and losses... I wondered if he could see what a mess I was beneath this hollow armour I had created around myself to protect the remaining bits of my sanity.

Something was dripping on the pillow.

Was I crying? Had I any tears left to be shed?

Carlisle gave me a slight pat on the shoulder and pulled himself a chair. Then he sat on it, and just watched me quietly, almost a shy tinge in his eyes. Like he was waiting for me to start lecturing him or something. There was uncertainty in him, uncertainty I had never witnessed before. And hidden pain - he looked sorrowful as he gazed at me.

I gave myself the permission to let my eyes explore this divine creature before me. Where did that sorrow come from?

A flash of anger consumed me. I didn't want him here.

"I'm sorry to shock you like this," he spoke quietly. "I know you must be very upset because I just showed up out of the blue." His voice was like nectar and honey in my ears. I realised that the tears had stopped, and that I had wrapped my arms around my chest, as if I trying to keep myself intact. But that was too late for me. I'd been broken too many times.

"Why are you here?" That was the first question to break through my hazy mind. And at the same time I told myself I didn't care what his answer would be.

His voice was cautious as he answered.

"I started working here yesterday," he murmured. "You cannot imagine my surprise when I was assigned to be your doctor."

_Really. What an unpleasant incident._

"You don't have to bother." My voice was cold and impassive. "I'm none of your concern. I'm not your responsibility."

I stared at the glass window opposite of my bed, not wanting to look at him.

"Bella, I..." He stopped at mid-sentence. I gave him a quick glance.

His eyes were hollow, reminding me of bare windows without curtains. It made me search the room for something else to stare at. I didn't want to feel sorry for him. I focused my eyes on the black clock hanging above the door. The green pointer shone in the dim light of the room.

_Tick tock tick tock goes the clock..._

The silence lasted for several minutes. The golden angel next to me drew a deep, unnecessary breath every once in a while as he tried to put his thoughts into words. Words I didn't want to hear. I ogled the clock on the wall as if it was the most fascinating thing I'd ever seen. I didn't _want_ him here.

"Bella," he began. "I cannot ever make it up to you that we left you all those years ago," he whispered. "It never felt right for me. I wish I could go back in time and fix all this. But I can't."

I allowed myself to take a look.

His golden eyes had taken a slightly darker tone. They were swimming with emotion, and for a moment I wondered if he'd had the ability shed tears, he might have. He looked so remorseful that I felt my features softening a bit.

"I can only apologize and ask for your forgiveness," he continued. "I hope, maybe foolishly, that you will someday find a way in your heart to forgive me." He reached out to touch my hand lightly.

His skin wasn't much more colder than mine, due to my present state of health. His recent dictum triggered a memory somewhere deep inside me. I had kept that place strictly closed and locked and thrown away the key. But now those locks were cracked open, no keyes needed, and I allowed myself to remember.

_"But I'm hoping that there is still a point to this life, even for us. It's a long shot, I'll admit. By all accounts, we're damned regardless. But I hope, maybe foolishly, that we'll get some measure of credit for trying." I couldn't have imagined anyone who wouldn't be impressed by Carlisle. _

_ "I don't think that's foolish," I had said. "And I don't think anyone else would, either."_

I shook off the memory. Carlisle was still sitting next to my bed, looking at his hands. Maybe he had given up the hope of hearing me answer.

And that's when I really realised that he was here - he was back. He had found out that I was registered in this hospital, and still he hadn't turned away. Instead he had come before me, apologizing. That ought to count for something. Maybe he didn't think of me as a pathetic little human. Or then he was just drowning in his guilt for ditching me with his family.

"It's not your fault," I said, wanting to offer him some peace of mind. My voice a mere whisper but I knew he could hear me.

He seemed draw strength from my answer, as simple as it was.

"I'm afraid it is. I had the power to stop it," he said quietly. "None of us wanted to leave, not truly. I could have convinced him, but I didn't try hard enough. He said that we were endangering your life by living in the same place, and that was something I couldn't disagree with. But I knew you were willing to take that risk." He paused for a moment. "We wanted you to be one of us."

This conversation was getting too much for me to bear.

"But _he_ didn't."

Carlisle's eyes flashed as they searched my own.

"I wasn't worthy of him." My voice was quiet and surprisingly calm. I had no strength to show any emotion.

"Is that what he told you?"

My silence was enough for an anwer.

"Bella, Edward did care for you very deeply," Carlisle assured. "I believe his words were only meant to make things easier for the both of you."

I tried to comprehend what he was saying.

"He wanted us to leave so you could be safe," he tried to convince me. "But I still don't think it was the right thing to do."

"Are the others here, too?" I asked, feeling the need to change the subject. The hole in my chest was about to tear open.

"No, only me for now." He suddenly looked somber, and I could actually see this immortal creature aging before my eyes.

It made me wonder where Esme was. She and Carlisle were inseparable.

"Where are they? Will they be arriving soon?" I asked, suddenly curious. I welcomed the feeling. It was a nice change for feeling numb all the time. But at the same time I scolded myself for allowing myself to feel.

"Rosalie and Emmett are somewhere in Russia celebrating their anniversary. A little extended celebration, it seems," he answered, seeming genuinely amused. "I haven't seen them in a couple of months."

I thought I heard slight worry in his voice, but I could be wrong.

"Alice and Jasper are traveling around Europe. They call me from time to time and we exchange our news."

My thoughts wandered to the pixie-like, nimble creature, who I had once considered as a sister. And the tall and silent Jasper - I realised I hadn't had the chance to get to know him better. The lost possibilities annoyed me a little. There were so many things I hadn't known about them.

Carlisle was looking down at his hands again. His expression was pensive, almost defending.

"What of Esme... and Edward?" It took all my meager bravery to say his name out loud. And I really didn't want to care about his whereabouts. It would hurt too much.

Silent grief flashed in Carlisle's eyes, and he stood up from his chair abruptly, pulling out a needle and a syringe from his pockets. He walked over to my IV-rack, avoiding my eyes.

"That is the discussion we should save for some other time, until you get stronger." Without any further ceremony he injected something into my IV. I could only assume it was a sedative.

"Wait... I don't want to sleep." I tried to keep my eyes open, but my lids were getting heavier. I tried to push myself up by my elbows - I _had_ to stay awake. Because if I fell asleep he'd be gone in the morning...

Cold hands seized my movements. Before the darkness claimed me, I could feel the featherlight touch of his cold hand on my own.

* * *

**A/N:** So now Bella and Carlisle have reunited. Both are pretty shaken up about it, needless to say.

Bella's flashback is from Stephenie Meyer's book New Moon. I just adore that moment so I wanted to bring it with me to the story.

The sentence _"Someone had turned the hourglass" _is what my own grandfather said several years ago when he found about his terminal cancer. I remember that time vaguely and I was very young when he died. He's been a lot in my mind when I've been writing this story.

Bella is very bitter and depressed as you can see. She's lost everyone she has ever loved, so I guess we have to grant her a right to be a little moody and unstable.

Wonder what Carlisle is hiding from her? Why he refused to answer Bella's question? You'll find out soon.

To anyone who's thinking about that little girl from the Chapter 4 and trying to figure out who she is; I'll leave it for the reader to decipher. She could be Bella's potential future daughter, or Bella's inner child within her. Or maybe it's her deceased mother as a child or her guardian angel? Who knows, you decide :)


	6. Chapter 6: Reflections

******Stephenie Meyer owns Twilight :)**

**A/N: **Did anyone go see Breaking Dawn part 2? I haven't seen it yet, and I'm so exited! My car broke down so I don't know if I get to see it at the theatre. Guess I'll have to wait for the DVD. But I'm sure it's worth to wait :) I hope they show more Carlisle in it *dreamy sigh*

But anyway, here's the sixth chapter! Enjoy :)

* * *

_**And if I only could**_

_**Make a deal with God**_

_**And get him to swap our places**_

_**Be running up that road**_

_**Be running up that hill**_

_**Be running up that building**_

_**If I only could**_

-Placebo, _Running up that hill_-

* * *

**Reflections**

CPOV

As I watched Bella slip into a restless sleep, I tried to get a hold of my emotions. Her reception hadn't been as bad as I had feared. She had seemed to take my return quite calmly - even a little too calmly, perhaps. I felt that I did not deserve her forgiveness, and yet here she was, granting me the amnesty I had in no way earned.

And yet, as I looked down at her, as my eyes observed her sleeping form, I realised that I was staring down at my punishment. And I knew, that the mental picture in my mind of her haunted eyes and emaciated body would follow me everywhere I went.

I would never forget those eyes.

And every beat of her weary heart would remain in my ears for all eternity. And at times, instead of the beating pulse, words were pounding in my ears; y_our fault, your fault, your fault..._

It had been a cowardly action to put her into a sedated sleep. Without a doubt, she would wish to continue the conversation I had so abruptly brought to a halt.

What should I tell her? _How_ could I tell her, that Esme and Edward would never come back again...

It would destroy her. But I couldn't keep it from her - it wasn't righteous. She was entitled to the truth.

Taking one last glance at the sleeping young woman in the bed, I exited her room.

It was 3 AM, and most of the other patients were asleep. I let my thoughts wander as I made a quick round to make sure that everything was in order.

My thoughts drifted to my family, and I wondered what they would say when they found out that I had reunited with Bella. Would they be shocked, sad or joyous? Had Alice already seen her in her visions? After we left Forks five years ago, Edward had told Alice not to search Bella's future - he had been quite adamant about it. I wondered if she had kept her promise.

Maybe I should call her. I knew she would be thrilled to see Bella again, but also saddened when she learned about the leukemia.

But eventually I decided to wait until I got Bella's permission to do so, determined not to make decisions behind her back again.

My thoughts wandered back to Bella's disease. She was obviously depressed, and that didn't help her get better at all. I remembered Dr. Wiley's insinuations; she had implied that Bella didn't want to get better. That she had accepted her fate.

I wondered if I could make her change her mind about that.

Leukemia was a nasty disease. Symptoms were sometimes quite difficult; fatigue, paleness and the repetitive and prolonged infections made patient's life sometimes quite unbearable. Aches and pains in the back and limbs were also quite common. But some people could live nearly normally for years after discovering the illness. Some people didn't, despite of the available treatments.

My legs worked on their own accord as they took me to the window of Bella's room, and I spent several minutes watching her sleeping form through the glass.

A thought flared in my mind; it was impossible to silence it. I didn't even endeavor to try. And I had no wish to do so.

_Bella must not die._

* * *

**A/N: **Before I started writing I did some research about leukemia; what the symptoms are, how is it treated etc. I'll try to make this story as realistic and natural as possible, but I'm obviously no doctor so I apologize for the possible mistakes and incorrect information_._


	7. Chapter 7: Air

_******Stephenie Meyer owns Twilight :)**_

* * *

_**"If life is a journey; from birth to death, **_

_**how much of that path must be walked alone?"**_

-Unknown author-

* * *

**Air**

BPOV

Awakening came slowly.

Familiar sounds of the hospital echoed in my ears. I focused on listening to them instead of opening my eyes, having no wish to wake up to start another day.

The sound of the monitors and machines told me that I was still alive.

A group of nurses were chatting with each other quite loudly as they passed my room. It had to be morning already, because otherwise they wouldn't be so vocal, would they? The doors were opened and closed somewhere down the hallway, footsteps followed by loud bangs.

Then I heard a squeking sound, and at first I couldn't place it - I frowned as it came closer to my door and then receded. Maybe it was a hospital gurney being rolled down the corridor.

Somewhere a door opened again, and then closed with another loud bang.

Suddenly I realised that something was amiss. Like I had forgotten something very important. Something had happened, and I should have remembered it - it was vital that I did.

Was it the dream I'd had? There had been a little girl in it, and we had blown soap bubbles together...

And then it hit me; Carlisle had been in my dream too. Not the same dream with the summer field and the sandy-haired girl... But the one after that. He'd been in my room and apologized for leaving me. He had been so sad that I didn't have a heart to harbor any anger towards him...

I had to stop any further thoughts. It had been just a dream, and there was no point thinking about it and making myself miserable.

"Are you awake?"

I almost jumped out of my skin when I heard the voice. A gasp escaped from my mouth, the sound sharp and loud in the silent room.

I wrenched my eyes open.

And there he was, as beautiful as ever and larger than life, sitting in the same chair as last night. My eyes almost dropped from their sockets as I stared at him.

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to startle you," he hummed with his tenor, seeming truly sorry as he watched me with his butterscotch eyes.

I took a deep breath and tried to calm my heart down.

"You're really here." It was almost a question.

"I am," he answered, getting up and checking the monitors routinely. "How are you feeling? Any nausea?" He started pressing his cold fingers against my throat and beneath my jawline, probably checking my lymph nodes for any swelling.

"No." The treatments made me sometimes awfully sick. Sleeping, or any other activities were impossible when you felt like you had to throw up once in every five seconds.

"That's good. Do you think you're up for a short walk?" he asked, watching my reaction carefully.

A walk. I idly wondered where he was going to take me - and why. I knew that it'd be good to stretch my limbs every once in a while, but recently walking and any moving around had been pure hell due to all the pain. It was like my joints were on fire.

But I'd be damned if I let him see any weaknesses.

"Sure," I muttered, putting on my hardass mask.

"Do you want me to get a wheelchair, just in case?" he offered, looking suspicious. I answered his gaze boldly, and lifted my chin up as well as I could from my lying position.

"No wheelchairs."

I pulled myself up into a sitting position and swung my legs over the edge of the bed, managing to do all this without a grunt of pain. I cheered inwardly.

Carlisle started unhooking my IV and all the other wires that I was attached to. When he was done he put his hand behind my back and and helped to stand up, keeping a steady hand in the small of my back in case I needed assistance.

Black spots were dancing in front of my eyes and I swayed slightly. I felt Carlisle grabbing my arm.

"Bella? Maybe you should sit back down." The worry in his tone aggravated me.

"No, I'm fine. Give me a minute." When did I get so breathless? I must have been worse than I remembered - a normal function like standing up shouldn't be this hard.

_Get a grip. _

"Okay. Where do you wanna go?" I asked and lifted my head, trying to sound interested.

"Just down the hall. Maybe to the cafetaria if you want to," he suggested. "Where's your robe? In case you're getting cold." He started looking around, at the same time seeming to consider if it was safe to let go of me.

I was only wearing my light hospital gown and a pair of pants, but despite of his cool touch I wasn't feeling chilly.

"It's fine, I'm not cold," I insisted, slipping my socked feet into a pair of slippers.

Carlisle seemed to accept my answer, but I saw him grabbing a light blanket with his other hand nonetheless.

I made it through the hallway without any help. Our pace was slow, and for a moment I wondered if Carlisle was annoyed because of it. At least I was. But I didn't want to risk falling down - I didn't need any more bruises.

"What do you say if we went outside for a moment? I'm sure it would be nice to get some fresh air," Carlisle suggested, clearly having decided to break the uncomfortable silence. I considered his words.

When was the last time I'd seen the sky? I remembered that one of the nurses had carted me off to the balcony a couple of times. It was a long time ago, and happened rarely. My weak condition kept me locked inside my room most of the time.

But now it certainly would feel good to breathe some fresh air - as fresh as it could be in a city like Vancouver.

"Sure. That'd be good," I answered shortly, wondering if Carlisle thought that I had some sort of a word limitation per day. But he didn't seem to be insulted by my curt anwers.

He opened one of the balcony doors with his key, and we stepped outside into the cool wind.

Shivers rippled through me as the wind whipped against my skin. I inhaled deeply and wrapped my arms around me, suddenly wishing that I had brought my robe after all.

At least it wasn't raining.

I felt Carlisle wrap the blanket around me, and I summoned the words to be grateful for the small gesture.

"Thanks," I muttered, lifting my eyes to the cloudy sky. It was an average day of November, and the weather wasn't that cold. Not for a normal and healthy person anyway.

But I wasn't normal, nor healthy. My teeth chattered as if to prove it.

I devoured the gray sky with my eyes, idly wondering if I had a chance to see the sun before I died.

Probably not.

"Let's go back inside. I don't want you to catch a cold; your immune system is too weak to fight it off," Carlisle informed after a moment, putting his hand on my shoulder. Without any further ceremony he started to lead me back inside.

I huffed at his words. "I've had a flu like twenty times during the last six months. One more wouldn't rock the boat." Nonetheless, I stepped inside as Carlisle held the door open for me.

"I'm not doubting you persistance," he commented with a hint of amusement in his tone.

_Yeah, I'm sure you don't._

The silence fell between us again as we made our way back towards my room.

"I could take you to the cafetaria if you like," he offered quietly. "You missed your breakfast and lunch while you were sleeping."

His words made me frown. I hadn't know that I had slept that long, not that it really mattered.

"No thanks," I declined. "I can wait for the next meal time. I'm not that hungry." That wasn't even a lie. I had lost my appetite a long time ago, and usually I had to force myself to eat something.

Suddenly I remembered the reason to my sleeping in. Carlisle had given me a sedative when I had asked about Esme and Edward... The memory of his sudden movements and evasive words puzzled me; what was it that he didn't want me to know?

Before I knew it we were back in my room. The walk had gone a lot easier that I'd expected. Maybe I could get used to moving around again; my limbs didn't feel as stiff as they did before.

After kicking off my slippers I climbed to my bed. I didn't lay down, only sat down in the middle of the bed with the blanket still around my shoulders, gazing cautiously at Carlisle.

He pretended not notice my impermeable look, and started to attach me to the monitors again. I turned my head away as he set the IV in its place.

"How do you feel?" he asked without raising his eyes. I observed him as he checked my bloodpressure and all the other things from the monitor.

"Good," I lied smoothly. "Thanks for taking me out. This room started to feel a little too small already."

He finally looked at me. A small smile lifted the other corner of his mouth.

"You're welcome, Bella," he said quietly, pulling a folder from the corner desk in his hands and starting to flip through the pages. During the walk it had been me clamming up, but apparently it was now his turn to be mute.

Minutes passed in an uncomfortable silence before Carlisle broke it by clearing his throat. I wondered if it was a habit of pretending to be a human all these years. He really didn't need to cough to achieve a crystal clear voice.

"It's time for your cytostatic treatment tomorrow," he reminded, and his words were contemplative - they almost sounded like a warning. But I already knew what to expect. I'd gone through those treatments for a couple of times already, since the radiotherapy didn't work out.

But what was the point anyway? My body was slowly giving up on life, fading away - the doctors had been very honest about that. They said they could try to continue with the treatments, but couldn't promise anything. And I didn't have the strength to fight anymore. And no reason to. So why bother?

Why would Carlisle bother?

I shook my head to get rid of the thoughts, almost feeling Carlisle's gaze drilling a hole to the side of my head. So I turned to him, raising my eyebrows.

Our eyes met, golden mingling with brown.

He was about to open his mouth to say something, but then turned his head towards the door, hearing something what my human senses weren't able to catch.

There was a quick knock on the door before it opened. A familiar nurse peeked inside the room - I couldn't remember her name. There was a lot of things I couldn't remember.

"Dr. Cullen, you're needed in the room 739. It's urgent."

"Thank you, Denise. I'll be right there." The Carlisle I knew was gone, and another man took his place - he was now Dr. Cullen, a man whose job was to save lives.

And I realised he should stay that way. He shouldn't be stuck with a person like me. I was a lost cause.

The brown-haired head vanished from the door, and the deity creature next to me gave me one last glance. For a moment the Carlisle I knew was back.

"I'll come and check on you in the evening," he promised. "Try to stay on your two left feet, all right?" Behind the playfulness there was a real worry.

"I'll do my best," I said, pretending to be a little insulted. He only chuckled and turned around.

Then he was gone.


	8. Chapter 8: Barren

_******Stephenie Meyer owns Twilight :)**_

* * *

_**Now, in my sleep, I am empty**_

_**The warm blanket of the light**_

_**No longer holds me, but exposes me to the dark**_

_**And painful piercing screams**_

_**Of my own voice echoing**_

_**In my nightmares of what I've lost**_

-Nicole Hiebing-

* * *

**Barren**

BPOV

Standing in front of the mirror in the small bathroom that was attached to my hospital room, I tried to brush and untangle my matted hair. I grimaced when the brush got stuck into a knot that was particularly stubborn, and a hiss of pain escaped my lips.

I looked at the brush and the amount of hair that had jammed into the bristles. At the beginning I had freaked out how much my hair was falling off. Not anymore. Luckily I had inherited Charlie's thick hair. At least I wouldn't go bald right away.

_Charlie. _I inhaled deeply and pushed the thought of him aside. _ Stop thinking about them. It's no use._

I was good at forgetting things. If I got a nickel every time I avoided something unpleasant, I'd be rich by now.

Someone opened the door of my room with a quiet knock.

"Bella?" The door closed, and I could hear Carlisle's velvety voice among his light footsteps.

"Over here," I called out. "Do you happen to have a razor? I'm considering if I should shave my head. It would be a lot easier." At least I hadn't lost my sarcastic sense of humor. I guess some things never changed.

I had left the bathroom door open, and Carlisle was now peeking inside, seeming amused about my comment. I noticed that the smile didn't quite reach his eyes, though.

Giving up on my frizzy hair, I lowered the brush on the edge of the sink with a small sigh. Then I made my way to the door, bypassing Carlisle and climbing to my bed. My joints protested the quick movements, sending jolts of pain through my body.

My fingers braided my hair absent-mindedly as I glanced at the clock.

08.20 PM. I idly started counting the hours Carlisle had spent in the hospital today. What a workaholic.

"Are you working like triple shifts or something?" I asked. Of course I knew that he didn't need any sleep or rest like the other doctors did. But surely his superiors would start wondering the amount of hours he was working.

Carlisle was still standing at the bathroom door, his expression melancholy, and I noticed that his eyes were fixed towards something inside my bathroom.

Was he looking at my hairbrush? I wondered how much it upset him to see the effects the leukemia had on me.

He shouldn't care.

Suddenly he seemed to realise that I had asked a question from him. He turned to me and chuckled casually.

"No, only double shifts. I had my time-off from early morning to noon today, and my current shift ends in three hours. It would be better if I got to work in the hospital as long as I wanted. But they have restrictions on working hours, like any other jobs do."

I bet it was frustrating for him to go home and spend so much time alone, while he could do something that was meaningful for him. This moment caused a similar occurence to arise from my supressed memories.

_"That was a hard time __to pretend—there was so much work to be done, and I had no need of rest. How I hated to go back to __my house, to hide in the dark and pretend to sleep while so many were dying."_

I blinked and the scene was gone.

"It must be boring having to be alone all your free hours. If the others aren't there to keep you company," I pondered cautiously, and almost wanted to apologize to him immediately after saying those words.

Many emotions flashed on his face; grief, longing, regret...

And suddenly he had himself under control again. Now he only looked pensive.

"I'll manage." He said it like it was no big deal, and for a moment I wondered what he was really feeling beneath the surface. What was behind his cool demeanor? It was almost like he had shielded himself, retreated into a rock hard shell where nothing and no one could ever touch or affect him again.

He must have sensed my thoughts and the attempts to figure him out, for he suddenly strode over to me and took a stethoscope that was hanging around his neck.

He stood next to me and slid the stethoscope down my back. It was cold and I jumped a bit.

"Sorry," he apologized. "Take a deep breathe, please."

I obeyed. I was sure that he didn't need an actual stethoscope to hear the sound of my heart and breathing; it was only an act. Or maybe it brought him comfort and safety to act like an average doctor. Or maybe he was trying to divert my thoughts to something else.

He listened for a while, and then pulled the earpieces off.

"Sounds good. Your heart rate is a little fast but that's to be expected."

_In my condition._ I could hear the words he didn't say out loud. He didn't have to.

How long before my heart would simply give up and go silent? I looked back at the time when I would have given anything to make my heart stop - it would have been completely quiet in my chest, the blood in my veins no longer rushing, and my skin would have been ice cold and hard as a marble...

But no more. That needy teenager was gone. Abandoned in the woods, drowned in the darkness. That girl had never resurfaced. And I didn't want her to.

I took a deep breath and set my jaw. Carlisle glanced at me, confused.

"Is everything alright? Does it hurt somewhere?"

_Only to my fractured heart and ripped soul. Nothing you can cure._

Out loud I just said, "No."

He chose not to push it, and proceeded to take my blood pressure. It was too low as it always was. No surprise there.

When he started to hook me up to the monitor and attaching the IV, I was getting impatient. He couldn't avoid the discussion forever. I knew he had something to say, and judging from his behaviour it wouldn't be pleasant.

Suddenly I recoiled at my thoughts. Did I even want to know what he had to tell me? I don't think I did. But I'd go crazy if I didn't ask.

"I need to take a blood sample," he informed quietly, holding a needle and a syringe in his hands. His expression was apologizing.

I bit my lip. You would think that after months of being poked with needles you'd get used to it. But I certainly hadn't.

"Turn away," he reminded gently. I closed my eyes and focused on breathing through my mouth, feeling Carlisle's cold fingers probing my forearm. After a moment I felt a small prick. It made me squeeze my eyes shut even tighter.

"There, all done," he suddenly said. I sighed in relief.

"Nice. I hardly even noticed," I complimented him. He gave me a small smile. "Blood smells awful," I blurted out.

Carlisle's eyebrows almost hit his hairline after my words, and he narrowed his eyes slightly.

"Humans can't smell blood," he stated, reminding me so much of what Edward had once said to me, that I almost winced.

_I'm not a normal human._

"Well I can. It has a rusty and salty stench in it."

He was looking at me, clearly intrigued. But before he could ask anything I started interrogating him.

"Are you ever going to tell me?" I asked.

My sudden change of subject caught him off guard.

"Tell you what?"

"What you refused to tell me last night when you returned. Before you tranquilized me," I grumbled.

He inhaled and swallowed convulsively. I felt bad again for making him so miserable.

He took a deep breath as if to brace himself, probably thinking that there was no reason to put it off any longer; I had him cornered.

"I don't wish to keep you in the dark, Bella," he sighed. "I just don't know how to put to words what I'm about to tell you. But you have the right to know."

He pulled a chair for himself and set it next to my bed so that we were almost facing each other. I turned to face him, and prepared for whatever he was going to say, trying to keep the claustrophobic feeling away.

Carlisle began his story.

"Nothing was the same after we left Forks five years ago," he started quietly. "We moved around a lot, and eventually decided to stay in Alaska for a few years. We tried to start over again. But everything had changed; we hadn't just abandoned our previous lives. It was like we also left our hearts behind. It was the worst mistake of my existence to leave Forks."

He looked at me, looking ashamed.

"Edward was moody and sullen all the time. He still lived with the rest of us, but he could disappear for days without any warning. It was difficult to be around him. No one else was happy either." He took a short break, his golden eyes studying the hands resting in his lap. "Alice and Esme missed you horribly," he said, "and Jasper was wallowing in his guilt while trying to cope with everyone else's feelings at the same time. It wasn't easy for him."

"But I never blamed Jasper... I never thought it was his fault, it was an accident..." I fell silent. I didn't want to interrupt him.

"I know that, and Jasper knows it as well," Carlisle assured. "But regardless, he was sorry to have caused such a situation." He crossed his hands as he took another short break.

"Months passed as we tried to - I guess I should call it _mimicing_ - a normal life. Rosalie and Emmett, along with Edward enrolled a college that was located nearby. Alice traveled a lot. She started to search her human past. It was a distraction for her, and Jasper went with her of course. They spent most of their days away from us, but still visited regularly.

Things got better every once in a while, but I knew that nothing could ever be the same. And then... about a year after we had left Forks..." He stopped again, taking a needless deep breath. He was silent for a minute or two, his eyes avoiding mine. I had an urge to block my ears suddenly - I wasn't sure if I wanted to hear what he had to say. It couldn't be pleasant - why else would he look so... grief-stricken?

"It was a completely normal day," he whispered. "My shift had just ended at the local hospital, and I was heading home. Esme, Edward and Rosalie had gone hunting the previous day to the mountains that were located a few hundred miles away from our current house."

Carlisle fell silent again, fixing his gaze over my shoulder. He didn't want to look me in the eye. I had a feeling of foreboding again. The hair in my neck stood up, when I realized that he was plucking up the courage to tell me the difficult part of the story.

"I arrived home," he continued, "and I was talking to Emmet about something when Alice suddenly had a vision. She was terrified about something, falling to her knees on the floor. It was nearly impossible to calm her down - it horrified me. Eventually Jasper got her to tell us what had upset her so."

He stopped talking again, starting to twist his hands. My heart started to hammer in my chest.

Carlisle's gaze fell to the floor. He was struggling to get the words out of his mouth.

"A group of newborn vampires had crossed Esme's, Edward's and Rosalie's path. Newborn vampires are extremely powerful at the beginning of their new lives, because their own human blood still lingers inside their system. And they were extremely hostile ones, even if they hadn't been provoked. Esme, Edward and Rosalie were heavily outnumbered."

Carlisle took my hand in his own cool one, now finally seeking my eyes.

"I'm so sorry, Bella. Edward and Esme... They didn't make it. They stood no chance against those newborns. By the time when Alice had her vision, it was already too late. But we went anyway, and it was fortunate that we did. Rosalie was still alive."

I tried to comprehend what he had just said. All I could do was to stare.

Did he just say that Esme and Edward were dead? But it couldn't be, they were indestructible, invincible creatures. I couldn't understand...

I blinked rapidly and shook my head, trying to think so hard that it was a pure torment for my brain.

Then I looked at Carlisle, and suddenly I understood.

His ochre eyes were pained, and they bore such loss that it was difficult to look into them. I had seen those eyes before - they were Renée's eyes when I had seen her at Charlie's funeral. They were my own eyes I had seen from the mirror those rare times when I'd bothered to look into one. They were the eyes of a person who had lost something precious, something irreplaceable. Something that would never come back, and the person had to live with the knowledge that he would never see the face he needed to see.

His words finally sunk in.

Edward... gone. And sweet, loving Esme, Carlisle's other half.

Gone.

I had no words. There was nothing to describe this feeling.

I was only dimly aware of Carlisle's hand on my own. I welcomed the numbness; it was a pure bliss to not feel anything. I had eyes, but my vision was clouded, I had ears but I only could hear a rushing sound...

We just sat there completely still, like statues. I don't know for how long.

Eventually someone opened the door - I think it was a nurse. She exchanged a few words with Carlisle and then left. I had no recollection of what they were talking about. Someone could have shot a nuclear warhead into my room, and I wouldn't have noticed.

If I had, I might have been able to summon a little bit of strength to be grateful for that destruction.

From the corner of my foggy vision, I saw Carlisle injecting something into my IV. Weariness came quickly, and I welcomed the darkness that engulfed me.

Cold hands laid me to sleep, and covered me with a warm blanket.

* * *

**A/N:** Phew. This was a very difficult chapter to write. This plot has been in my mind for weeks or maybe even for months now and I always felt it was necessary for Edward and Esme to be deceased. Maybe some of you already saw this coming, given how sad Carlisle is all the time. My heart aches for him, for both of them.

Bella has distanced herself from everything, she acts like she doesn't care etc. But as you can see, deep down she still cares.

_"That was a hard time __to pretend—there was so much work to be done, and I had no need of rest. How I hated to go back to __my house, to hide in the dark and pretend to sleep while so many were dying."_ This is a direct quote from Stephenie Meyer's book New Moon. Still not my property!

Hope you guys enjoy!


	9. Chapter 9: Gravity

**__****Stephenie Meyer owns Twilight :)**

* * *

**_Moon, you have a shade of blue tonight –_**  
**_Is it something that you saw or heard?_**  
**_Only yesterday, your tone was proud and bright,_**  
**_Yellow silver, full, and so assured._**

**_Moon, you have a role to play up there –_**  
**_We below must bear the earthly pain._**  
**_Duty bound, we shoulder sorrows fair –_**  
**_You are free from our grotesque disdain._**

**_Moon, we depend on you to shine_**  
**_When the sun retires down below._**  
**_Add to that your grandest role divine:_**  
**_Tidal Lord, to keep the seas in tow!_**

**_Moon, I hope you take to heart our plea –_**  
**_Needless is the reason for your blue._**  
**_Beaming, you should give the night its glee:_**  
**_We're despairing – so we look to you._**

-Mark R. Slaughter-

* * *

**Gravity**

CPOV

_This is a long day._

Technically the day was already over, and a new one had begun. It was past midnight, and I was still sitting in the corner of Bella's hospital room. I solely couldn't make myself leave, even though my shift had ended two hours ago.

I guess this was the worst thing about being an immortal creature - the day never ended. After living over three hundred years, I had seen, heard and felt all sorts of things. But the last five years of my life had been a struggle that I could have never prepared myself for.

When would it end?

Maybe this was my individual Hell on Earth; losing the love of my life, the reason for my existence, my life companion who I had spent decades with. And losing Edward, the man who had been by my side longer than anyone. Maybe we all were damned after all - why else would we have to go through these trials?

I turned my eyes to Bella, and regretted my thoughts immediately. For she couldn't be doomed to damnation - she couldn't be doomed to anything.

Then why did she have to suffer? She was innocent.

I got up from my chair and moved next to Bella's sleeping form, brushing my cool hand against hers. Her skin was only a little bit warmer than mine. Her body temperature was too low.

I covered her with another blanket.

Did I do injustice to her by telling about Esme's and Edward's fate? Maybe I should have waited until she got stronger, and I now worried that this would affect her recovery. But I had sensed that she was getting impatient, and I didn't want her to come up with wrong conclusions. And so I had told her that two members of my family, two persons who had meant so much to her, were gone.

Forever.

_I should leave. Someone is going to get suspicious of what am I doing here at this hour._

Turning towards the door, I glanced one more time at the frail sleeping human.

I would return before midday when my shift started again. The sedative I had given to Bella ensured that she would be out like a light at least nine more hours. Hopefully she could regain some of her strength and have a peaceful sleep without any nightmares.

The night air was cool in my lungs as I stepped outside. For a moment I considered options to could occupy myself with, and I remembered that there was a large provincial park a few miles away that I hadn't explored yet. I had no wish to go to my house; it was too empty. It was no home to me. I had left my home behind a long time ago.

The nights were the hardest time, especially if I didn't have to work at the hospital. It was difficult to find something to do, something to keep my mind off of the oppressive matters that tried to engulf my sanity.

And so it was, that I got into my car and drove the short distance to the park, finding a sheltered place to hide the vehicle. For a moment I hoped that I had left the car at the hospital parking lot, having no wish to attract any attention. I wanted to be alone.

As if I wasn't alone enough already.

I ran into the forest, inhaling deeply the fresh and moist air. I could sense all the animals around me, but I decided to leave them in peace. I didn't need to hunt. I only came here to solve my thoughts and seek a little clearness.

After a moment I left the forest behind me, and climbed higher up to the mountains. The lights of the city didn't quite reach all the way here, and I could see the stars without an effort. The sight was a rare one in a place like this, where the sky was covered with thick clouds most of the time.

The black canvas was dark tonight; it was the time of new moon. The darkness fit perfectly to my spirits.

In the dead silence I gazed upon the stars. It felt good to know that there was something in this universe that lasted, something that was almost permanent, difficult to erase. But at the same time I knew that even stars weren't everlasting. But nonetheless, they were billions of years old, and I wondered what kinds of things they had witnessed during their time. The thought brought me comfort.

One of the stars twinkled suddenly, as if to tell me that it had heard my thoughts all the way up there.

_Without the bad there would be no good. _

Wondering who it was who had first spoken those words, my thoughts wandered back to Edward and Esme.

What good could follow on their deaths? The thought was unbearable to me. I still had difficulties to accept their passing away; I knew I was still grieving. Sometimes I could nearly forget that they were not here anymore. Those moments of oblivion were almost blissful.

But eventually it all came rushing back to me, and I could see their faces through the eyes of my tormented soul. If I even possesed one.

Yes; sometimes I could forget. But not ultimately.

Edward had been my earliest companion. He had been a son as much as he had been a brother, and above all he had been a good friend. And Esme, my dear beloved wife, who I had loved and cherished for decades; I wondered if she was happy wherever she was now. I wondered if she had reunited with her deceased child. Esme had always carried sadness with her, because she couldn't bear the children of her own after becoming a vampire. And I had always known that she had never gotten completely over the death of her son.

I hoped she was happy now. And I wished that same happiness for Edward. Because God only knew that they of all people deserved all the happiness that there was to offer.

The sadness faded from my mind, but something else stepped in its place.

It was guilt, and the feeling came with bitter thoughts. I knew those thoughts, for they were already familiar to me. But I mulled over them again, seeming unable to stop myself.

I should have gone with them to that hunting trip. I should have not let them go by themselves - maybe I could have had the chance to prevent their death. We would have all come back home together, worked up an agreement, and moved back to Forks. We would have returned to Bella, and I would have changed her into a vampire before the leukemia had taken over her body. Maybe I even could have had a chance to save Charlie.

_Charlie. _Bella had lost so much. What was the reason behind all her ordeals? It wasn't fair, it wasn't _justice. _

I wanted to be angry. To myself, to the world, to my God - I didn't know. I had always been the composed one, the one to favor peace, and it felt strange to go through the feelings of wrath now. They were foreign to me, and it only proved very efficiently that I had lost my way. That I had lost myself.

A peculiar sound got my attention. Something wafted above my head, scattering my thoughts, and the sound of quiet rustling reached my hearing again. A shadow landed on a tree brach nearby, and I found myself staring into the yellow eyes of a predator.

It was a huge Eurasian Eagle owl. The yellow gaze pierced me, and suddenly I felt like the huge bird was looking directly into my soul. I wondered what it saw.

We were both very still as the predator stared at the predator.

And I wondered; how much did I differ from that owl? We were both nocturnal beings, creatures of the night. We both had an exellent hearing and eyesight. We were both skillful killers. Owls were considered to be very wise. I didn't feel like a wise person right now. It wasn't because I was comparing myself to a bird - it was because I felt like I had lost my way, the essence of my being.

The owl hooted. Some people said it was an omen of death.

I inhaled sharply at the thought. The yellow-eyed creature looked at me with its wise eyes again and blinked, giving another eerie sound.

Native American tribes saw owl as a protector.

The creature had apparently had enough of my wordless analysis. It spread its wings and flew away soundlessly. I had to admire the grace it possessed.

Against the black moonless sky, I could see a shooting star. I clung to the hope it had to offer and made a wish. Or maybe it was a prayer.

_Please let everything happen for a reason. Please let everything be all right someday. _

_Give me a reason to what's happening to us._


	10. Chapter 10: Grace

**Stephenie Meyer owns Twilight :)**

* * *

"_**Life is more a matter of choosing than knowing. **_

_**He could never know the eventual destination of his path, **_

_**but he could always choose in which direction to take each step."**_

-Matthew Stover, _Traitor_-

* * *

**Grace**

CPOV

"Are you ready Miss Swan? Is there anything you need?"

The nurse was hovering and fussing around Bella as she prepared her for the cytostatic treatment that was sceduled for her today. She was smoothing out her sheets, carrying her a pile of magazines and newspapers, filling up her water cup - the nurse was a true mother hen.

I knew Bella didn't enjoy any fuss. She was shaking her head and staring at the wall, looking bored. The treatment was no special occurence for her, because she had gone through it before several times. But I bet she wasn't looking forward to all the side effects that the therapy usually caused.

Bella had been awfully quiet all the time I had been in her room today. My shift had begun a half an hour ago, and I had gone straight to see Bella. She had acknowledged my entrance with a small nod, but hadn't said a word unless someone asked a direct question. Her impassiveness worried me, but I could not blame her for that. I knew she had a lot of things to go through, a lot of feelings and matters to accept. I hoped she could handle all the grief I had brought to her and somehow get through it. I would be there to help her in the process, if she accepted me.

If she forgave me.

But I couldn't demand her to forgive me, only humbly beg for it. And if she decided not to grant me that forgiveness, I couldn't blame her for that either. If she was angry with me, I deserved every bit of her wrath.

The nurse fussed again, bringing my mind back to the current task.

The cytotoxines were usually given through the infusion. It normally lasted a couple of hours per day, and the patient only had to be still and try to relax. The upcoming days after the therapy were usually harder than the treatment itself. Some people didn't suffer from any side effects, while the others endured symptoms that were sometimes quite violent. The cytostatic therapy destroyed not only the harmful cancer cells, but also the healthy ones that defended the body. That wass why the patient usually got so sick.

Nurse Owens still hadn't given up on cheering Bella up. She was trying to chat with her about daily, normal things. I heard her telling Bella that her budgie had escaped from his cage the previous night, and that her cat had tried to eat it. The budgie had flown to sit on the curtain rail and the cat had followed suit, and of course falling into the aquarium.

Apparently the budgie had been the only party pleased with the end result.

I smiled shortly at the nurse's story. Even Bella couldn't resist a small smile. It was a very small one and disappeared faster than had appeared, but it was a smile nonetheless.

A fragment of hope ignited within me.

I injected a cannula in the bend of Bella's arm as nurse Owens continued her blabbering. Then I connected a fine tube to the infusion bag containing the cytotoxin that hopefully would recede Bella's illness, or at least slowed it down.

"Please tell me if you notice any unusual symptoms, like intense warmth or numbness," I requested as I wrapped a blood pressure cuff around her other arm.

"Okay." Bella's voice was a little hoarse for the lack of use. Her eyes avoided mine.

The nurse left the room after a while to continue her other duties. Silence fell into the room after she left, and not a very comfortable one. Bella was still staring at the opposite wall, and had clearly decided that I didn't exist.

_She must be really angry._

The thought made me awfully sorrowful. I suddenly realised that I had just gotten Bella back into my life, and now I was about to lose her again.

I inhaled sharply, trying to divert my thoughts to something else. I couldn't focus on my own sorrow and my own needs when I had patients to take care of. It was selfish.

Bella had heard my sudden intake of breath, and was now gazing at my direction. And to my surprise she didn't look resentful. There was only sorrow, loss and worry in her chocolate brown eyes.

"How are you feeling?" I asked. "This won't take much longer, it'll be over soon. Do you want me to get anything, ice cubes, water? Or do you want to listen to music, I could get you headphones..." I stopped when I realised that I was rambling. I fell silent, snapping my mouth shut.

"You're almost as bad as Nurse Owens." There was a tinge of amusement in Bella's tone.

After that the silence was much more comfortable.

I wanted to apologize to Bella, to spill my guts out about my guilt and all the other things that had haunted me all these years. But I sensed that she wasn't in a mood to talk right now. So I just sat down in a chair, and remained quiet as I pretended to read a newspaper.

Remaining quiet was surprisingly difficult. All I wanted to do was talk to her - I needed to hear her saying that she wouldn't be wrathful towards me forever. That someday, she would be able to forgive me for not saving Edward and Esme. But I kept quiet. She needed time to come to terms with all that I had told her last night. It wouldn't be right to rush her.

I tried to keep my mind occupied with something, but it ended up being as hard as remaining silent. The clock was ticking loudly on the wall, and I focused on the sound, only to discover that after a few minutes it was getting irritating. The next sound I focused on was Bella's heartbeat - the sound of it was much more pleasant, and I knew that as long as I got to hear her steady heartbeat, I'd be content.

I hadn't realised that I had closed my eyes to prevent any visual distractions that might disturb me.

"What are you thinking?"

Bella's sudden question somehow managed to startle me, and I jumped a bit. It was very hard to surprise a vampire, but Bella seemed to master the challenge quite well. I opened my eyes and looked at her.

Her eyes held many emotions; there even was a twinkle of curiosity in them. But what confused me was the concern in her brown irises. Was she concerned about me?

"Nothing significant," I lied smoothly. She frowned a bit, and seemingly didn't believe my words any more than I did.

I noticed that the drip bag was nearly empty now, and I swiftly got up to take it down. Then I removed the cannula from her pale arm, causing a hiss escape from her lips.

"Sorry," I apologized.

"It's okay," she whispered. At least she was talking to me. It was a start.

I was about to ask her about her welfare when the nurse stormed in, rushing me out of her room because of some sort of an emergency down the hall. Nurse Owens took my place in Bella's room, making sure that Bella had everything she needed.

The emergency involved a middle aged man with a heart failure. He was rushed into the surgery, and I had no choice but to participate. My skills as a surgeon were needed.

By the time I was released from my other duties, Bella had already fallen asleep. It was a late afternoon, and I had a few hours of free time until my night shift would start after midnight. I made sure that everything was in order, and then I left Bella to get some much needed rest. The wish to stay and be there in case she woke up was compelling, but there was something that had come up a few minutes ago. I had stopped by at my office to retrieve a patient folder when I had noticed that someone had left me a voicemail.

It had been Alice asking how I was. I hadn't heard from her in months, and now she calls just when I had reunited with her former best friend. A part of me wondered if it was only a coincidence. But Alice's voice had been highlighted with politeness, and it didn't sound like her at all.

Had she seen me and Bella in her visions? Would she be angry for not telling her? She could be pretty frightening when she wanted to be. The tiny, fairy-like endearing creature could transform into a bloodthirsty vampire in a split of a second. I had seen it happen before.

I wanted to tell her about Bella - I wanted her to come and visit her and make her happy in a way that I couldn't. If only Bella wanted her to come.

Burying myself in these thoughts, I stepped outside into the afternoon air. It was raining heavily, and a blow of wind had stolen someone's umbrella. It whirled around the parking lot and I caught it easily, and then I looked around for someone who was missing the muddy object.

As I was shaking off the water and the mud from the umbrella, I heard someone approaching with hasty steps. I turned to see a young, blonde woman rushing towards me, looking quite drenched.

I waved the umbrella at her direction. "Does this happen to be yours?" I asked.

The woman laughed, clearly relieved that she's found her umbrella. "Yeah," she breathed. "The wind tore it from my grasp. Thank y-,"

Then she looked at me, really looked at me for the first time since we had started our word exchange. I must have looked quite spooky in the rainy, darkening afternoon, with the strange golden yellow eyes and the chalky white skin. I guess some people still had a some sort of an instinct for self-preservation - they just didn't know they had crossed paths with a deadly predator, but they definitely could sense something. This woman certainly felt it, although she couldn't tell what it was.

"Thank you, sir." I gave her the umbrella and smiled quickly as a response. The woman was in a hurry to get away.

For a moment I felt bad to scaring her like that, albeit it had been unintentional. As I got into my car I realised that Bella had never looked at me, or the other memeber of my family in such manner. She hadn't thought of us as monsters, and she had even been ready to become one of us without any hesitation. She truly was a special person.

_"Carlisle, you couldn't be damned. You couldn't, it's impossible."_

_ "Thank you, Bella. You've always been very... gracious about us."_

I dug my cell phone from my pocket, sending a short text message to Alice. When the right moment presented itself, I would give her a better explanation she deserved.

_"Alice,**"** _I wrote. _"Apologies for the silence. I've been very busy with work. Give Jasper my greetings. I'll call you soon. Carlisle."_

I could almost picture the frustrated Alice throwing her cell phone through a wall.

* * *

**A/N:** What do you think about Alice reminding Carlisle of her existence? Has she seen Bella and Carlisle together?

The quotes:

_"Carlisle, you couldn't be damned. You couldn't, it's impossible."_

_ "Thank you, Bella. You've always been very... gracious about us."_

are from the movie New Moon. Every time I need a little bit of Bella/Carlisle-vibe, I go and watch that stitching scene. It's just so... electric. Property of Stephenie Meyer and Summit Entertainment!


	11. Chapter 11: Abyss

_**It's like you're screaming, and no one can hear**_

_**You almost feel ashamed**_

_**That someone could be that important**_

_**That without them, you feel like nothing**_

_**No one will ever understand how much it hurts**_

_**You feel hopeless; like nothing can save you**_

_**And when it's over, and it's gone**_

_**You almost wish that you could have all that bad stuff back**_

_**So that you could have the good**_

-Rihanna, _We found love_-

* * *

**Abyss**

BPOV

The darkness was suffocating me.

It stifled the sounds I was trying to get out of my mouth. I wanted to call for help, to shout at the top of my lungs, to beg for someone to stop this feeling of drowning. I wanted someone to grab me and pull me to safety.

But I couldn't.

I was bound to this mirthless cavity where no one could ever hear me. No flashes of light could penetrate these shadows that the darkness had cast on me. My stomach twisted and I curled into a ball, trying to protect myself against that unknown darkness. I wanted to open my eyelids but they were too heavy. I was too heavy.

And I knew that there was nothing to see, even if I could have gotten my eyes open. The everlasting night was everywhere. I was afraid, and that fear was consuming me, little by little, piece by piece. It knew that I was losing the battle, that I didn't have a strength to fight anymore.

And the fear was satisfied. It smiled a sneering smile, and it's grim laughter penetrated my head. It _hurt. _I was trembling, and a whimper escaped my cold lips.

Someone must have heard my despair, because the next thing I felt was a cold marble hand on my temple. Soft, soothing words were whispered into my ear. If only I could cling to that velvety voice, maybe it would give me enough strength to hold on and escape the shadows that I could still feel pulling me down, deeper and deeper into an abyss. The devil itself had stuck its sharp nails in me and wouldn't let go. I was dying...

_"Bella, can you hear me? It's alright, you are safe..."_

The voice was stronger now, and I could even separate the words vaguely. And that voice made it possible to pierce the surface and come back from the darkness. I was gasping for breath, squeezing my hands into fists. Nails dug into my skin and I idly wondered if I had drawn any blood.

It felt so good to breathe.

My eyes opened, making me immediately regret it. The dim light made my eyes burn, and my stomach twisted again. I slammed my eyelids shut back and swallowed the bile that had crept up my sore throat.

The light was quickly put out, and that same cool hand touched my temple again.

"Carlisle?" It was more like a sob than a question, and I wanted to kick myself for sounding so weak.

"I'm here, Bella. All is well." He stroked my hair gently, tucking a lock of hair behind my ear.

_Liar. _I wanted to say it out loud but I was too tired. As long as he would keep doing those things with his hand, I wouldn't find any will to be mean to him...

My heartbeat was fast and loud in my ears, and I could feel the sweat dripping from my forehead. My stomach lurched again, and it took everything I had not to retch.

"I feel sick," I whined. _Please don't let me throw up..._

"It's the treatment. The nausea will pass. Just take deep breaths, Bella."

I tried to comply as I convulsed and whimpered. The trembling hadn't ceased, and for a moment I wondered if an earthquake had come to destroy us all. But no, it was just me. I was shuddering so badly that it seemed like the whole room was jolting. My teeth chattered.

It could have been minutes or hours, I can't tell, but little by little the queasiness passed, just as he had promised it would. The sweat dried on my forehead, and suddenly I was shivering from cold.

Wordlessly, Carlisle covered me with another blanket.

"What time is it?" I asked, as if it would matter. I just wanted to get him to talk.

"It's five in the morning." His ochre eyes were searching my face worriedly - I had been asleep over ten hours.

Nice. No wonder he looked a little restless.

"You should try to get some more sleep. You're quite exhausted."

But I knew I couldn't go to sleep anymore. That abyss wouldn't leave me alone until it had me within its grasp.

"I don't want to sleep. I'm not tired anymore." I tried to prove it by pushing myself up into a sitting position, but a sudden throb in my head caused me to sink back on the pillows. Black spots covered my vision, but I tried to blink them away.

"I can't see," I groaned. There was panic in my voice.

"You tried to get up too quickly," Carlisle answered. "It's not an advisable action right now. Just lie still." He sighed quietly - maybe because of my impetuousness.

After a few minutes my breathing slowed down as did my heart rate. I wondered why the side effects of the therapy were worse than ever before. For a moment I considered asking Carlisle about it, but then decided against it. I didn't want to whine, and it's not like he had anything new to tell me. I knew my own limits; I knew that my body was getting weaker.

"Better?" Carlisle asked, wearing a small smile as he watched me intently. He was probably ready to pin me down again if I tried to do something foolish like sit up on my own for instance. It was frustrating to depend on the other people so much.

I nodded, and he seemed to relax a little bit. I knew I needed to have a conversation with him about the things he had told me, but I just didn't know how to even start. I knew he was grieving for the losses of Esme and Edward. I knew it well because I suffered from the same grief.

"Carlisle -,"

"Bella, I -,"

We both started talking at the same time, and we glanced at each other awkwardly. Silence fell.

"You go first," Carlisle offered. The look on his face was apprehensive.

I cleared my throat and took a deep breath, summoning the words for an apology.

"I'm sorry for being so silent yesterday," I whispered. "I just had a lot of things in my mind, and I had to make a peace with myself first. What you told me... well, there was just a lot of things to digest." I spoke unhurriedly with a voice that was barely a frail breath, but I knew he could hear me.

"I understand that," he assured. "You don't have to be sorry."

"It's not the only thing I'm sorry about." I swallowed convulsively and focused my stare on the blank wall. This time I wanted to get the words out of my mouth as quickly as possible.

"I'm so sorry about Esme and Edward. I never thought..." I had to take a short break to keep myself under control. "You know someone, and you think that they are invincible. That no harm could ever come to them. Then you hear someone telling you that they're no longer here. The thought of it..." I licked my dry lips. "It's just so implausible. Inconceivable."

I wanted to tell him how sorry I was for making them leave Forks all those years ago. If I hadn't... If they hadn't felt the need to move, Carlisle would still have his family.

He was looking back at me, his honey gold eyes swimming with emotion. He stretched out to touch my hand hesitantly, as if he was afraid that I might disappear or run away.

"I know it is difficult," he said. "Not a day goes by that I don't remember them. I will miss them every day for the rest of my existence."

He paused for a moment and gave my hand a squeeze.

"And I'm also sorry; I'm not the only one who lost them. I argued with myself about if I should tell you about their passing," he continued. "I was afraid how it might affect your state of health. But I decided that it was your right to know."

I could only nod.

"I'm also sorry about..." He seemed to struggle with his words. Suddenly I went rigid because I had an idea what he was about to say.

"I learned about your parents - and Phil - a few days ago. Bella, I cannot tell you how sorry I am. If I had known, if I had gotten the news..." He stopped, shaking his head in a loss of words.

I waited silently. I didn't know what to say, either. Hearing him talk about my parents made want to block my ears and hum loudly. I didn't want to think about them; I didn't want to break.

I didn't want him to break me.

But if I was already broken, was it possible to break again? Time after time, until your heart was torn to shards, and shards cracked to chips, and chips ground to a pile of dust...

"Charlie must have died around the same time as Esme and Edward," Carlisle pondered softly. "I was wallowing in my own guilt and grief, and perhaps it caused me not to be aware of the other things going on in the world. He died in the line of duty, am I correct?" Carlisle's voice was somewhere far away. I held on to it.

I gave him a small nod as an answer, trying to keep myself calm. I didn't want all the memories to come back.

It had been the worst time of my life. And just when I'd thought that it couldn't get any worse, Renée and Phil had died in a car accident a few months later. If there really was a God somewhere, he truly must hate me. Or maybe I had done something really bad, something truly unforgivable, and it was now backfiring on me. There was no other explanation.

I looked at Carlisle. He had sunk back into his thoughts again. We had both lost so much. At least there was one person in this crappy world who knew what I was going through.

"I miss them. I miss them all." At first I didn't realise that I had said the words out loud. But then Carlisle gave my hand a tight squeeze.

"I know," he whispered. "I miss them as well."

And we didn't have to say anything else. We both stayed still, and our eyes were dry without any tears. Carlisle physically couldn't shed any, and my own grief had simply surpassed all the tears.

Carlisle's hand was cold against my cool one.

It brought me warmth.

* * *

**A/N:** It's hard to describe Bella's and Carlisle's relationship right now. They both feel guilty and are obviously mourning for the losses of their familymembers. Still it is easy for them to be in each other's company; there's no secrets between them. There's still a distance, and I hope that as time passes the distance also lessens.

Thank you so much for your reviews! If I doubt myself I always go back and read them and it gives me confidence.

Some of you have wondered my ability to post a new chapter each day. The truth is that I use most of my free time to write this story, and I try to stay at least one chapter "ahead". When I post one chapter, I've already started the next one. But I have to warn you that my pace might slow down at some point due to my other responsibilities. But I won't leave you hanging for months or years; that I solemnly swear :)

What comes to the bringing Alice and the rest of the Cullens to this story; it is my intention in near future. I wonder who's the first one to show up? ;) I think it's best that I give a little bit of time to Bella and Carlisle to get used to each other at first though.


	12. Chapter 12: Blood

**_He gives his harness bells a shake_**  
**_To ask if there is some mistake._**  
**_The only other sound's the sweep_**  
**_Of easy wind and downy flake._**

**_The woods are lovely, dark, and deep,_**  
**_But I have promises to keep,_**  
**_And miles to go before I sleep,_**  
**_And miles to go before I sleep. _**

-Robert Frost-

* * *

**Blood**

BPOV

As days passed, my condition started to improve a bit. Every now and then the nausea was gone, but eventually it always came back, as if to remind me that I was far from healthy. I was still weak, and even walking across the room forced me to stop and catch my breath. Carlisle and the other doctors had decided to postpone the next treatment to prevent my immune system from failing.

Like it would matter.

Carlisle. I wondered what it was like for him to be around me. Was he staying by my side out of pity? I couldn't figure out any other reason than that.

His superiors had quickly realised that he was an exceptionally talented young doctor. I knew the truth behind it, of course. He had a lot more experience than an average 30-year-old young man which he pretended to be.

But his experience didn't reduce the value of his achiements. Carlisle was meant to be a doctor. It was his purpose to save lives and make as many humans healthier as possible. He worked long shifts in the hospital, and never grew tired of it. And even if he was busy, he always found the time from his schedule to come and see me, even during those times when it had nothing to do with treating me. He would often come by before a long surgery, or at the end of his shift and ask how I was feeling today. It made me feel that he actually cared about my welfare.

Or maybe he thought that I was his responsibility. He was my personal doctor, after all.

I tried to keep all my negative thoughts in check, and instead of confronting them I pushed them aside and let the numbness take over. It was getting more and more difficult, and I could see that Carlisle was starting to worry about my strange behaviour.

It was wrong of me to make him worry. I knew he was suffering too.

But I felt like that it would only take a small nudge, one more little blow and I would go over the edge. And I couldn't let that happen. Sometimes when the anguish and constriction grew too much for me to bear, I would stagger my way to the bathroom, close the door and sit down in the corner, gasping for breath. And I would stay there until the feelings disappeared. It was sometimes difficult with all the nurses hovering around, but they hadn't noticed anything unusual yet. I was good at controlling myself, almost most of the time. But I prayed that Carlisle would never stop by while I was having one of those breakdowns.

Because I couldn't hide from him.

I was a wreck, physically and mentally. And there was no way to cure either.

_I hate this stupid hospital!_

I was having one of those moments when I almost lost control. It was a late evening, and I had just finished brushing my teeth when I dropped the brush accidentally on the floor. As I bent over to pick it up, my sore knees hit the floor with a jolt of pain. It wasn't any unusual pain, and it's not like I couldn't take it. It was the same pain than yesterday, and it would be the same pain tomorrow. When would it end?

_The end._

Such a simple, beautiful word. After the end would be nothing. Only emptiness, numbness.

I craved it.

I stood up the brush in my hand, and the lightheadedness caused me to lean against the sink for support. Picking up a small toothbrush shouldn't be this difficult!

And something inside my head snapped - I was so angry that I had to check the mirror if there was any steam coming out of my ears.

There wasn't. I guess my body temperature was too low to conjure up any steam. Dark eyes stared back at me from the mirror. They seemed almost too dark; my face was pale and I had purple rings beneath my eyes. Those were the colors of my soul.

I let my gaze drop.

I considered breaking the mirror, just for the hell of it. My fingers were squeezing the edges of the sink, my knuckles white as snow. It was difficult to get a hold of my anger.

Something dripped into the sink suddenly, making me forget the sudden burst of wrath.

I stared at the bright red little blotch that grew bigger second after second, drop after drop, until it left a trail that trickled down to the drain.

Blood. My nose was bleeding.

My sharp intake of breath was loud in the empty bathroom. Anger transformed into helplessness, and then the black panic took over.

It tasted awful, but smelled even worse. My stomach twisted, and I had to grab tightly the edges of the sink to stay on my feet. I closed my eyes to avoid the redness that took over my vision. This had happened before, but not in a long time. It was one of the symptoms of anemia.

Forcing my eyes open, I turned the watertap with trembling hands. Why didn't it open? A desperate sob escaped my throat. The sound was raw, and for a moment I wondered if the voice belonged to me at all.

Finally I managed to get the water running, and I let it rinse away the red blood. With trembling hands, I started to wash my nose and face to rid myself of the vile liquid.

But it didn't stop. The blood kept dripping down the drain, no matter what I did. It took me a moment to realise that my tears mingled with the redness.

My vision got hazy, and I had to struggle not to pass out. How long had I been in here? The nurse wouldn't bother to peek into my room until the night round. I was alone. My stomach twitched with anguish again, making me nearly retch.

Through my hazy panic, I heard the door of my room opening. But I was so lost in the sight and smell of the blood that I couldn't gather enough energy to ask help from whoever had opened the door. My heart was hammering in my chest, and I felt like someone had wrung an iron rim around me. My gasps echoed in the empty bathroom, and the trembling transformed into violent shudders that shook my whole body.

The door banged closed, and a frantic voice called out my name.

"Bella!"

I didn't even have time to blink when I heard him stepping through the bathroom door and by my side. Cold fingers swept the hair out of my face. I squeezed my eyes shut when the dizziness almost overpowered me, and my trembling hands clasped the sink even harder.

Carlisle's movements were hasty as he ran water over something. After a second or two, a cold wet washcloth was pressed over my nose, making the suffocating feeling increase. I had difficulty with breathing already without the washcloth.

I felt his stone cold arm wrap around my waist.

"Can you walk to your bed?" His voice was quiet, laced with concern.

I tried to remember how to speak. Or even how to nod. All my energy was directed at breathing through my mouth, to make the awful taste and smell disappear. I managed decline my head a bit to answer his question.

My knees trembled as I released my death grip from the sink, and I ventured to crack my eyes open.

Carlisle was holding his other hand over my nose to keep the washcloth in it's place. His other arm was still wrapped around my back and waist, and he was slowly leading me forward, prepared to catch me if my legs wouldn't carry me far enough.

My room had never been wider. Every step was a struggle, and I felt like the distance from the bathroom to the bed was a million miles instead of just a few meters. But eventually we got there, and Carlisle made me sit on the bed.

He took my hand in his and pressed it over the washcloth where his hand had been a moment ago. I vaguely realised that mine was trembling.

"Can you keep it there for a moment? Lean forward a bit."

I obeyed. I couldn't feel the blood in my throat as badly anymore, but the taste remained along with the rusty scent.

Carlisle straightened hastily. "Stay there. I'll back in a second."

Where was he going? He couldn't leave me. The blood...

He must have seen the panic in my eyes, because he started reassuring me.

"I'll be back before you know. I promise."

From the corner of my vision I could see a flash of his white coat, and then he was out of the door.

Time stood very still.

I tried not to think about the blood that was dribbling into the washcloth. But my subconscious wouldn't let it go that easily, and soon my mind was filled with the images of the red liquid flowing down the drain until I had no blood left in me. The stench was disgusting...

My ears started ringing again. Two big tears trickled down my cheeks, absorbing by washcloth.

The door of my room was pushed open again. My eyes were still closed but I didn't need to see who it was. The bed dipped beside me, and I could feel Carlisle wiping my hair aside. At first I couldn't figure out why.

"Lower your chin to your chest," his smooth voice commanded gently.

I did as he told, bending my head even more.

"This will feel cold," he warned. I had one second to figure out what he meant, but it wasn't enough. Something very cold was pressed against the back of my neck, and I jerked in surprise.

"Sorry. The ice will help with the bleeding." He gently removed my other hand from the washcloth and replaced it with his own.

For a few moments the only thing heard in the room was the humming of the machines and my accelerated breathing. The nausea started to pass, and the salty tears dried on my cheeks. My neck was getting numb; the ice was surprisingly cold.

After a few minutes Carlisle removed the icebag from my neck, and I straightened myself, venturing to open my eyes.

Most of my vision was partly covered by the washcloth and Carlisle's pale knuckles. He removed the fabric, wiping gently my lips with it to get rid of any remaining blood. I noticed that the formerly white washcloth was almost soaked in redness. It made me turn my eyes away from it.

Carlisle got up and walked into the bathroom, taking the cloth and the icebag with him. I could hear him turning the taps and washing away the blood from the sink, probably doing it so that it wouldn't upset me the next time I went there. It was very thoughtful of him.

He returned a moment later, sitting down next to me again. His fingers wiped my cheek hastily.

"Can you tell me how long your nose had been bleeding before I came in?" His voice was carefree, as if he didn't want to worry me. I took one glance at his golden eyes and saw the truth in them; he was concerned. I hoped he didn't have a blood transfusion in his mind.

I contemplated his question for a moment. It couldn't have been very long - I had been so panicked that I had lost the track of time.

"A few minutes, maybe," I whispered. It wasn't entirely a lie.

"Did it start all of a sudden?" I was pierced by his gaze.

It was more difficult to lie about that. And I was a bad liar, and he knew it.

And I knew what had probably caused the bleeding. I had been so angry at everything, and I had wanted to break the mirror and rage and scream - I guess my blood vessels couldn't handle that. But I refused to reveal those things to him, only giving him a small shrug.

I heard him sigh and turn his head away suddenly. I dared to take another glance.

Carlisle had turned his face towards the wall opposite of us. He suddenly looked older than he was - now he really looked like a doctor who was pushing himself to a limit, someone who was working almost around the clock to save people. He had a peculiar expression on his face; it was the one you had after something had upset or shocked you. It was the expression of relief.

But what had upset him? He was immune to the scent of my blood - he was immune to any blood.

Then why did he look so... worn?

"Are you okay?" I suddenly heard my own voice.

Carlisle turned his gaze towards mine. Our eyes met - he had beautiful eyes, and it was easy to drown in them. Almost too easy. But the usual glimmer and calm was gone from those golden irises. His eyes held so much pain that it almost scared me.

Then it was gone, and a slight amusement glinted in those golden pools of light.

"I should be the one asking that." He gave me a gentle pat on my upper back, his touch lingering; the feel of his hand was soothing. He gave me a quick look, a suspicious frown furrowing his brow. For a moment it seemed to me that he was trying to convince himself that I was really here.

Then it hit me. I remembered his paniced voice when he had stepped into my room earlier. He had been calling out my name, fearfully. And I realised that he must have smelled all the blood when he had entered, and I had been nowhere in sight.

Had he thought that I had harmed myself somehow, intentionally?

I thought of it for a moment. Would I be capable of doing such a thing? Would I be brave enough to take my own life? Or coward enough?

I didn't know. Alarming.

But as I was looking into Carlisle's eyes, I suddenly knew the answer. I knew I could never do that to him. I wouldn't add that burden on his shoulders. He was feeling guilty enough.

"I'm sorry," I breathed.

Carlisle brows knitted together. "For what? It's not your fault that you had a little nosebleed."

I shook my head. "No, I mean that... I'm sorry if I scared you. I didn't mean to."

His face softened, and I knew he understood. He was silent for a long time before capturing my eyes in the grip of his own gaze. His hand rose slowly, and for a moment I thought that he wanted to cup my face with it. But the he settled on swiping a lock of hair behind my ear.

The gesture was so intimate that for a moment I felt self-conscious.

"You did startle me a bit," he confessed quietly. "But it's still not your fault." He didn't say anything else, only reached for my watercup that sat on the table.

Wordlessly, he offered it to me. I took it gladly, and it surprised me how thirsty I suddenly was.

As I swilled down the water, Carlisle unwrapped a nutrition bar for me to chew. He had a determined look on his face, and I knew that he would refuse to leave until he had seen me eating something.

The bar tasted sweet. Even more that that, it tasted good. It was strange to notice that I wanted to eat all of it. Maybe I was going into a shock after the bloodloss, and my body was just trying to signal me what I needed at the moment.

Carlisle refilled my watercup and made me drink a bit more.

"That's better," he said with a small smile after seeing me eat. I was glad to have eased his mind.

"Thanks for helping me earlier," I thanked quietly. "If you hadn't come to check on me I would still be bleeding to death over there." I attempted to be playful, but the idea of languishing in the pool of my own blood didn't really amuse me.

It obviously didn't amuse Carlisle, either.

"Think nothing of it, Bella. It soothes my mind to see that you're safe." He rose from the bed and suddenly I felt vacant. "You should go to sleep. It's getting late."

I knew he was right - fatigue had started to conquer me. I lifted my legs on the bed and crawled under the covers, my eyelids suddenly heavy, but I forced them open one more time.

Carlisle was looking down at me, his eyes gleaming in the dim room as I felt him pulling a blanket over me. I wanted to say something, but I forgot what it was - I was drifting away, and I wanted to stay but I was too weary.

I was half asleep when I felt Carlisle injecting a cannula into my hand.

The room darkened behind my closed eyelids as someone turned off the lights. I thought I felt a brush of cold fingertips on my forehead, and a puff of sweet breath entering my nostrils. But I could be wrong.

Maybe it was just a dream.


	13. Chapter 13: Opposites

_**Stephenie Meyer owns Twilight :)**_

* * *

_**Childhood is not from birth to a certain age and at a certain age**_

_**The child is grown, and puts away childish things.**_

_**Childhood is the kingdom where nobody dies.**_

-Edna St. Vincent Millay-

* * *

**Opposites**

CPOV

The world had gone white.

The first snow was something that never ceased to amaze me. One moment everything was covered in colors and shades; the next moment all the colors were veiled with the blinding whiteness. The snow reminded me of my childhood. It had been inexpressible to wake up early in the morning, go to the door and squint my eyes in the dim morning light. The world had looked mysterious and exiting in the eyes of a small child. And very pure; I had thought that angels had come down from the Heaven and purified the world during the night while everyone were asleep.

My father, a strict and harsh man, had seen the snow as disadvantage. To him, it had been something to make his life harder, slowing him down. He couldn't look the world through a child's eyes.

I didn't remember much about my human childhood. But I did remember the first snow.

* * *

The door of my car banged closed as I stepped outside. The ground was slippery - the snow was starting to melt already. It wouldn't stick to the ground very long.

I made my way across the hospital parking lot, preparing my mind for a busy day. The first snow always managed to surprise humans, even though it came every year. Most of today's patients would probably be people who had slipped and fallen down. Also car accidents were to be expected. I truly hoped that the snow wouldn't cause too much havoc among the citizens.

As I made my way towards the autimatic doors of the hospital, a small heartbeat in the vicinity caught my attention, and I turned my gaze towards it with curiousness.

A small girl was sitting on the white ground, rolling a snowball in her tiny hands. A blue wool hat covered her dark brown curls. I estimated that she couldn't have been more than three or four.

What was she doing here all alone, in the busy hospital parking lot? This situation could have ended very badly.

I took a few steps closer to the little girl, glancing around me. But it proved to be useless, for I couldn't see or hear anyone. Maybe this little girl had been separated from her parents? Maybe she lived somewhere near here?

I made the rest of the way to the girl. She was too preoccupied playing with the snow, and she didn't notice my approach.

"Hello there," I greeted with a gentle voice, not wanting to startle her. I crouched down to the ground next to her.

The girl looked at me with her chocolate brown eyes. Suddenly she reminded me of Bella, and I wondered if she had looked the same when she had been at that age. I would have given anything to know.

The little girl frowned at me, obviously pondering if I was someone trustworthy enough to have a conversation with.

"Are you making a snowman?" I tried again. She gave the snowball a tiny squeeze with her little fingers. It seemed too big in her small hands.

"Mom says not to talk to strangzs," she muttered, faltering at the word 'strangers.' It made me want to chuckle.

"Well your mother is quite right, and you should listen to her. Can you tell me where she has gone?"

I could see that the girl was thinking hard. Her brow knitted together, and she directed her eyes towards the hospital, uncertain. Maybe she had forgotten the name of the building.

"Is she in there?" I pointed at the direction where she was looking at.

Her brown curls bounced as she nodded vigorously.

It was my turn to frown. Had something happened to the mother, or had the little girl managed to escape from her somehow?

"Timmy hurt his hand," the girl suddenly stated.

"Is Timmy you brother?" I guessed.

She nodded again. "Yeah. He's stupid." Her voice was so solid and fervent that now I really had to struggle not to laugh.

"Brothers can be that way sometimes," I offered diplomatically.

The brown-haired girl didn't say anything, only began to roll her little snowball on the ground, a slight shiver rippling through her small frame.

"What do you say if you finish your snowman once you get home, and we go look for you mother?" I persuaded. I didn't want her to get a cold.

It didn't take long to convince her. As much as she wanted to play with the snow, the inviting warmth of the hospital called her in more.

"'Kay." She stood up briskly and held out her arms.

It took me a moment to realize that she wanted me to take her in my arms. It was amazing how pure and honest a child's faith can be.

I reached over and lifted her gently, her tiny fingers wrapping around my collar. The moment was bittersweet; it felt good to realise that this unknown child trusted me, despite of what I was. But at the same time it brought me memories of Esme, and her yearning to have a child of her own.

"What's you name?" I asked to distract myself as I started walking towards the hospital's doors.

"Lorena," she whispered shyly. I gave her a kind smile.

"Hello, Lorena. It is a pleasure to meet you. I'm Carlisle."

"Car- ," Lorena frowned, and tried to enunciate my name correctly. She pursed her lips, frustrated.

"It's okay. It a diccifult word," I comforted her.

We had arrived at the hospital lobby during our short introduction. The receptionist was talking to a woman with black hair. She was leaning against the counter with her hands, seemingly upset.

"A three-year-old girl with brown, long and curly hair?" the receptionist repeated after the woman and wrote something down. "I'm sure she's somewhere here wandering around. Let me just make a quick call and... Dr. Cullen!" The receptionist had spotted me carrying Lorena in my arms. The woman with black hair, apparently the girl's mother, turned around.

"Lorena! There you are, don't ever do that again!" Mother's worry was turned into relief as I gave the child to her.

"I found her at the parking lot making a snowman," I explained.

The mother shook her head, terrified. After thanking me a dozen times for finding her daughter, she turned to Lorena and started ranting her about the dangers she could have gotten into.

I made my way to my office to change my coat, shaking my head fondly when I heard Lorena twittering to her mother.

"But it was so _white."_

It was easy for me to relate to that child - she reminded me of myself in my faraway youth. Suddenly the centuries were erased as I glanced over my shoulder, looking at the brown-haired girl's enthusiastic expression.

And for a short moment, I remembered what it was like to be a child again.

* * *

The elevator seemed to be slower than usual today.

I walked through the white corridor, sidestepping and dodging the nurses and patients that swarmed on the hallway. It was after midday, so it was no wonder that everyone were on the move. Most of the people were looking out of the window, admiring the white view while it still lasted.

My thoughts went back to the previous night when I had been walking this very same corridor on my way to bid Bella a goodnight. The memory of the moment of fright when I had neared her room and smelled her blood was sharp in my memory.

After opening the door of her room the scent had hit me with full force. The blood itself had no effect on me, but it was the cause behind it. I couldn't think of the last time when I had felt that kind of despair and hopelessness. The heavy smell of her floral blood, her gasps that echoed in the bathroom walls, the thought of that she had done something to harm herself...

So many thoughts and feelings had rushed through me during those few seconds, some of which I couldn't describe or interpret even if I tried. I had rushed into the bathroom, finding her there trembling and pale. She had barely been able to stand on her feet.

And I had felt relief - relief because she hadn't done anything foolish, and that she wasn't badly injured. But I also worried because of her weak state. I knew that the sight of blood made her ill, and I couldn't imagine how awful it had been for her to endure that.

I didn't know why I had instantly thought that she had tried to harm herself. I did know that her state of mind wasn't very stable right now; after all, her whole family had died, and then she had learned that the former love of her life was gone along with the person who had been a mother figure to her. She had been alone for so long, fighting an illness that was destroying her, little by little.

For days I had been oberving her at those times when she didn't notice. I noted that in between times she looked sad and regretful, before suddenly her expression would change; her face would go blank, and the light in her eyes diminished. There was no visible emotions to be seen in her. It worried me more than the honest sorrow would.

I had taken a moment to consider prescribing some sort of medication to help her, but I doubted that she would be willing to take any. And I knew that the anti-depressants wouldn't solve the problem. Medication only helped with the symptoms, without solving the cause.

I wanted to help Bella - I needed to. I knew the pain she was going through, and I wanted her to know that she wasn't alone anymore.

I finally arrived at her door, and I stepped inside quickly with a knock.

It was then when I realised that it was too quiet.

The room was empty. There was no sound of breathing, no sound of her quick heartbeat... The sweet scent of her blood still lingered in the room, but the most important thing was missing.

She wasn't here.

What could have happened during those few hours when I was gone? Had she been taken to another department? Had she become worse during the night? Maybe she had been transferred to the ICU...

_Someone would have informed me if something serious had happened._ I kept repeating the sentence in my mind, trying to make myself believe in those words. _Dr. Wiley would have called..._

I checked the bathroom just to be sure, only to find what I already knew.

She was gone.

I turned on my heel and stormed out of the door, almost knocking over a cleaning lady that was passing by; that happened rarely to me. It was difficult for me to run into people with enhanced senses I possessed, but now my mind was preoccupied. I apologized quickly, and instantly began searching for Bella's memorable heartbeat amongst the dozens of others.

Easier said than done. Her scent floated into my nostrils, but it had blended with other people's. I wasn't a very talented tracker.

The sound of my long strides drowned in the bustle of the hallway. Finally I saw a person who was possibly able to give me some answers. The black panic pounded in my heart, and I was a little surprised to notice that the organ wasn't racing out of my chest.

Nurse Owens was walking briskly from the personnel's break room, a pile of papers in her hands. She was riffling through the pile, writing something up every now then.

"Nurse Owens!"

My voice was so sharp and loud that the poor woman flinched, and almost dropped the papers. I hadn't meant to be so crisp, but I was in a hurry.

The nurse looked at me with confusion, probably racking her brain if she had gotten somebody's medication wrong or done something else to deserve my harshness.

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to startle you. Do you know where Miss Swan is? She's not in her room." The words came out of my mouth hastily, and I had to take a deep breath to calm myself down. I shouldn't be overreacting.

"Miss Swan? I thought I saw her with Nurse Elliot a moment ago. Just down the hall. They were a walk." She glanced behind her back and pointed at the direction with her thumb, relieved that I didn't have anything more complicated to ask.

"Thank you." I gave her a quick pat on the shoulder as I bypassed her.

My pace was much more slower now, and I closed my eyes and exhaled deeply, letting the relief flood over me.

"You're welcome, Dr. Cullen," Nurse Owens' voice echoed behind me, but I barely heard it as I continued my way through the corridor. I turned around the corner and sweeped the wide hallway with my eyes.

And there she was, sitting on a bench approximately twenty yards away from me.

Her pale skin almost glowed against the dark blue robe she had wrapped around herself. I noted that she seemed a little healthier than last night. Nurse Elliot had engaged her in a conversation, and I was pleased to see that Bella's eyes twinkled with curiosity every now and then.

"I miss Egypt," I heard Nurse Elliot say to Bella. "The climate is very hot in there, not the mention the humidity. But you don't have to worry about the snow and rain, like in here. What about you, have you always lived in Vancouver?"

Bella's expression reflected longing. She was somewhere far away, lost in her memories. Eventually she answered.

"No," she whispered. I could easily hear her from across the hall, even though she was speaking very quietly. "I've lived most of my life in Arizona. I miss that place."

"I'm sure you do. Vancouver in so much different from Arizona. For example..." Nurse Elliot continued her gabbling, unaware that Bella had stopped listening. She had fixed her eyes on the wall, probably trying to banish the memories that had emerged when the conversation about her childhood home had come up.

I was certain that it wasn't the climate she missed the most of Arizona.

I watched the two young women interacting, and I couldn't help but noticing how very different they were from each other; complete opposites. Like fire and ice, day and night. Nurse Elliot was talkative and loud where Bella was quiet and reserved. Nurse Elliot was a few years older than Bella, and her skin was tanned from all the sunlight she had been exposed to. Bella's skin was as pale as the snow outside. Even their eyes were different; the nurse's pale blue irises twinkled as she went on with her story, while Bella's dark brown ones still stared at the wall, like it was the most fascinating thing in the world.

Like ebony and ivory, summer and winter.

Suddenly a ripple traveled through Bella's thin frame and made her shudder slightly. Her eyes turned to my direction and our gazes met - it was as if she had sensed my presence somehow.

I gave her a small smile, starting to approach them slowly.

The nurse had finished her talking, now also noticing me.

"Dr. Cullen," she said friendly.

I nodded at her quickly, and then turned my eyes to Bella. It felt good see that she was healthier, even to that extent that she had agreed to take a walk with the nurse. I had been so worried that her condition had gotten worse while I was off-duty. Finding her empty room had made me fear that the worst had happened.

"I was looking for you earlier and Nurse Owens said that you had gone to take a walk," I explained. "It's good to see that you're feeling better."

Bella shrugged. "Well, you know. Everyone was hyping about the snow so I guess I had to go with the flow and see it for myself." There was no excitement in her voice; it seemed that the snow only irritated her. I knew she hated the rain and cold - that's why she had resented living in Forks at first.

"The snow is fine as long as there won't be too much of it," I offered conversationally.

"It brightens up this grey city," Nurse Elliot put in. "But I have to agree with Isabella. I definitely could live without the snow," she stated and glanced at Bella. She was nodding half-heartedly, lost in her thoughts again.

One of the older doctors called Nurse Elliot to come and aid him with something, and she got up quickly, her eyes darting between Bella and me.

"I'll make sure that Miss Swan gets back to her room," I offered so that she wouldn't have to worry. Nurse Elliot thanked me, and then her hasty steps carried her away.

Bella started to get up from the bench and I grabbed her arm to keep her in balance. She seemed steady on her feet, and once more I was grateful that this day seemed to be a little easier for her than usually.

We walked down the corridor in silence. A wide window on our left made Bella stop and glance outside. Her hand grasped the railing that was attached to the wall, causing me to be prepared if she needed any assistance.

But she still seemed to be stable on het feet, and I didn't want to upset her by hovering too much. She didn't like to be treated as weak - she was too proud and strong-minded for that.

"It's kind of beautiful when you really look at it," she suddenly said quietly. She had fixed her gaze on the snowy mountains that overlooked the Vancouver city. There was a tinge of ancient melancholy in her voice, and I realised that she was looking at the direction where my current house was located. She just didn't know it. Although I couldn't call that place my home; it was too deserted and empty.

"It is," I admitted. The mountains were one of those rare things that I enjoyed in the city of Vancouver. It was calming to climb to the mountain top and be alone for a moment, just breathing in the crisp air.

"Have you ever been there?" she suddenly asked, as if she had sensed my thoughts. Her brown gaze pierced me.

"A few times. It's quite beautiful at night. You can see the stars easily if it isn't overcast."

Suddenly I had an urge to take her there with me sometime. Up to the mountains, in the cool and fresh mountain air; I could almost taste the aroma of pine needles on my tongue, as we'd stand under the night sky gazing at the stars together.

Bella smirked lightly, her eyes still glued to the mountains.

And I idly pondered, that if Bella was like snow and ivory, like ice and winter... and if she belonged to the night instead of the day, I wanted to be a part of that same night with her.

The child within me rejoiced.


	14. Chapter 14: Calm

_**Stephenie Meyer owns Twilight :)**_

* * *

_**Change is never easy.**_

_**You fight to hold on. **_

_**You fight to let go.**_

-A quote from _Wonder Years_-

* * *

**Calm**

BPOV

The pointer of the clock moved slowly.

If I stared at the clock long enough, would it blow up? I guess it was worth to try. Anything was worth trying.

After Carlisle had brought me back to my room, he had been quickly called elsewhere. Apparently there had been a car crash a mile away from the hospital, and every available doctor were needed in the ER.

He had apologized profusely that he had to go, and I had said that he didn't need to be sorry for doing his job. I had almost cracked a joke that I would probably stay alive during his absence, but I had managed to stop myself from blurting out something like that. I had given him quite a scare last night, and I didn't need him worrying over me and hovering.

And here I sat, four hours later, trying to make the clock explode only with the power of my mind.

Sweet. It was needless to say that I was bored.

I had been feeling pretty good today. No throwing up or passing out, despite of the fact that I had almost bled to death the previous evening. It was a nice change to be able to stay conscious more than one hour at the time. And because I wasn't tired, I couldn't make my time pass with sleeping.

The walk with the nurse a few hours ago had been surprisingly effortless. It wasn't a long walk - only a couple of hundred meters, but in my standards it had been quite long. I could have gone even further, if the nurse hadn't disagreed - it made me wonder where I had gotten all this energy. It felt strange, and I wasn't used to it.

Maybe it was calm before the storm.

I started thinking about all those people who were fighting for their lives in the emergency room right now. I knew they were lucky to have Carlisle taking care of them. I knew he was the best of the best.

I sat up on my bed and crossed my legs. My back and knees protested with a jolt of pain, as if to say that of course there had to be something wrong with this day. I started nibbling a tasteless cracker that the nurse had left for me, only to find out that it was too dry and stuck to my throat. My appetite still hadn't returned properly, but I tried to eat something nonetheless.

I put the half-eaten cracker back on the table, gulping a mouthful of water. I'd try again later.

The door opened suddenly and Carlisle stepped in. I was surprised - I had thought that he would be stuck in a surgery of some sort for the whole evening.

Most of the doctors with long and busy afternoon behind them would have looked rather abused and exhausted by now, but not Carlisle. Not even a hair in his head had gone out of place. There was no physical fatigue to be seen, but behind his smile I could see weariness; it was only human of him to be a little burned out after a long day.

"Hi," I greeted. "How was your afternoon?"

He didn't manage to hide his surprise that I was so eagerly initiating a conversation with him, voluntarily even. For a moment I tried to remember how cranky I had been these past few days in his company.

Carlisle's surprise changed into delight after a few seconds, and he gave a small sigh as he sat on the edge of my bed.

"It was... it was a lot of things." He suddenly looked sorrowful, although he tried to hide it from me. My guess was that someone had died, and now he was blaming himself for it.

"Was the crash bad? Did everybody make it okay?" I didn't know if he wanted to talk about it. But I asked anyway.

He still wasn't looking at me. I watched the light reflecting from his golden blonde hair; he reminded me of an angel.

"It was a quite bad accident. Not as bad as it could have been, but there was enough to do even then," he answered and paused. "Most of the the victims made it, except for one." His jaw clenched. "A young man died in my care."

His eyes fell to the ground, and I tried to figure out something to say that would make him feel better. It wasn't your fault, I'm sure you did everything you could.._._ Those words sounded lame even in my own mind.

It was very Carlisle to mourn for someone who he didn't even know. But I guess when you're trying to save someone's life, you just happen to create something, a bond or a connection with that person. And when that person dies...

I didn't know what it was like to save people. But that's how I imagined it would be for Carlisle. He was so passionate about his work - it was like oxygen to him.

I still hadn't figured out anything to say. He was still looking down, gazing at his palms.

So I didn't say anything.

I reached out with my hand and stroked his shoulder, in such manner which I hoped to be somehow comforting. My touch made him lift his head, and he turned his gaze towards me.

His eyes were like molten gold. How much pain and death had those eyes seen over the years?

A lot.

"I'm sorry," I whispered. I didn't know why I was whispering, but I just felt that this moment had some sort of solemnity in it. It would be wrong to talk loudly; it would break the stillness.

Carlisle's hand rose, and he let it drop over mine that was still resting on his shoulder. He gave it a light squeeze.

"Thank you, Bella." His voice was also quiet. It reminded me of the wind that made the leaves rustle in trees.

He removed his hand from mine, and swiped a wisp of hair behind my ear. His cold fingers made me shiver.

He chuckled quietly, and the moment was gone.

"So, how was your afternoon? Any mischiefs made?" he asked conversationally, his eyes twinkling teasingly.

"Not really. But I assure you that it was much less active than yours," I answered, throwing an angry glare at the clock that was still hanging above the door. Still intact and in one piece. My telekinetic abilities were obviously insignificant.

"Do you bear a grudge against that clock?"

Carlisle was looking at me curiously, and I decided not to tell him about my attempts to make the clock explode. He would cart me off into a round and padded room.

"Not really. Has the snow melted yet?" I asked to change the subject.

Carlisle shook his head. "Surprisingly no. And it seems it won't melt in a while, because it started snowing again. It's quite beautiful out there."

I could only imagine. Usually I hated snow, and rain. But now I had a sudden urge to see the snowy scenery, and I wondered if Carlisle would let me out for a few minutes. I was feeling a lot better today, and I wanted to take this chance to do something.

"What are you thinking?" he asked, observing my face.

I took a deep breath before I would chicken out and have cold feet.

"Can I go out? Just for a moment?" I crossed my fingers and studied his expression.

He seemed to ponder my suggestion carefully, looking at me up and down, probably evaluating if I was fit enough to walk outside.

"Alright," he finally stated. "Do you want to go to the balcony or really go outside? There's a small area next to the parking lot that's meant for walking around."

I measured the distance to the elevators and from there to the lobby, realising that I couldn't remember it properly. I didn't even remember which floor I was situated on. I had rarely left my room during my presence here.

"I guess I could go outside," I said after a moment, careful not to hesitate so that he wouldn't back out. I unbent my legs and started to get up, considering my clothing.

How cold was out there? I was only wearing my short hospital gown and a pair of pants.

Carlisle was apparently thinking along those same lines.

"Do you have anything warmer to wear? Something you've brought here earlier, perhaps?"

I racked my brain as I walked to the small locker in the corner of my room, looking over the contents. I tried to remember if it had been summer or winter when I had been admitted to the hospital.

I triumphantly pulled out a brown winter jacket and a pair of black sweatpants.

"Yay," I said to myself.

I decided to put them over my hospital clothes. The more layers, the better.

Leaning against the wall with my other hand, I tried to get the pants on. Carlisle stepped closer and grabbed a hold of my other arm to keep me in balance. The leukemia may have affected me physically and mentally, causing the weight loss and making every day of my life harder to live and breathe. But one thing remained, and that was my clumsiness.

I was glad that Carlisle didn't force his help on me and gave me some space to get dressed by myself. Apart from grabbing my arm, I managed to wriggle into my sweatpants without any help. I was quite satisfied with my performance.

Carlisle reached out for my jacket, and held it open for me in a very gentleman way. You rarely saw those kind of gestures anymore, and I felt like this moment belonged to the 1940's or something. I guess I couldn't blame him for doing that; old habits died hard. And he had lived through those times, after all.

I slipped my arms through the sleeves and shrugged the jacket on, pulling the zipper closed.

The clothes sagged on me, and it made me feel really small in them. I had lost weight more than I'd thought.

"Do you have a hat or anything?" Carlisle asked, probably worrying that I'd get hypothermia. How very likely in the city of Vancouver. But with my luck it was a possibility - a probability even.

I shook my head and looked at him, determined. I would go out, with or without the hat.

Carlisle sighed quietly, pulling the hood of the jacket over my head.

"I'm not a baby. I won't freeze to death in a few minutes," I grumbled.

"Most of the body heat is lost through the head and neck." His voice very doctor-like and professional, but I could see that he was hiding a smile.

"Shall we go then?" Without waiting for his answer I marched to the door, and was about to yank it open when Carlisle's voice stopped me.

"Aren't you forgetting something?"

With my palm on the door handle, I turned around, confused. I started going over our conversation. What had I supposedly forgotten? I was frowning so hard that maybe the lines would never smooth out on my face again.

Carlisle was holding his fist in front of his mouth, and he had a very innocent expression on his face. Nothing indicated that he was amused, and yet I knew that beneath the surface he was probably chuckling to something that I didn't get. And I was getting annoyed.

"Your shoes," he decided to help me, because I apparently had no idea anymore what would I need when I was going outside. He pointed at my black socks.

I gritted my teeth and marched back to the locker. "Why do you need shoes anyway," I mumbled under my breath, finding a pair of black sneakers and slipping my feet into them.

I straightened and glared at the man with golden eyes and hair from under my hood. He was apparently satisfied, because he strode to the door and held it open for me.

"Ladies first," he crooned with his honey-like voice.

I contained the urge to smack him as I walked through the door.

The corridor was more silent and deserted as we made our way to the elevators. I looked out of the window; the lights of the city shone through the blackness. The sun had already set, and another day had come to an end.

We didn't have to wait for the elevator for long. The doors swished open and we stepped inside. Carlisle pressed the buttons as I leaned against the wall and closed my eyes. The space felt too small and narrow, and I hated cramped spaces. I hated these stupid anxieties.

Carlisle had heard my heart rate speeding up. "Everything all right?" he asked.

I nodded without saying a word and kept my eyes closed, counting the seconds until the doors would open again and I could breathe.

The smell of disinfectant hit my face. The hospitals always smelled like it, but now I welcomed the pungent aroma because it meant that the doors were open.

I opened my eyes and stepped outside without looking at Carlisle, not wanting to see his concerned expression. I wondered what kind of a mess he thought I was - I couldn't even go to an elevator without any drama.

Carlisle reached me with only two long strides, and we made our way towards the automatic doors. I saw him raise his hand and nodding to the receptionist behind the counter as we passed by. The receptionist smiled widely and tapped her pen against the counter. I saw her regarding Carlisle from head to toe.

The woman was very beautiful. She had a light brown hair that cascaded down her shoulders and back.

I turned my eyes away, trying to drown all the emotions that almost arose in me.

The crisp air ached in my lungs as we stepped outside. I took in the scenery before me. The ground was covered in the powdery layer of snow as were the cars and the trees. I turned my gaze towards the sky. It was pitch black, and the clouds were still heavy with snow. The flakes sailed in the air calmly, and dropped slowly to the ground as if to say that they were in no hurry.

Maybe they weren't.

I suddenly remembered that Carlisle was here with me, and I glanced at him.

He was looking at me intently an indecipherable expression on his face. It made me wonder if a person could look sad and happy at the same time. Because that's how Carlisle looked like.

"I think that someone promised me a walking park of some sort earlier," I uttered to break the silence. Carlisle gave a small laugh and started walking forward. I followed.

"Well, I wouldn't call it a park. I was being very careful not to exaggarate the truth," he jested teasingly. "I hope that you won't be disappointed."

The ground was icy and slippery under my sneakers, and I had to focus on staying on my feet. It prevented me from giving Carlisle a cheeky comment. I yelped as my foot slid beneath me, but Carlisle had already wrapped his hand around my arm.

We passed a row of cars, and Carlisle led me to a small lawn that the snow hadn't covered completely. Huge oaks towered over us, and under them there was a wooden bench. Carlisle swiped the layer of snow off from it so we could sit down.

I had started to get out of breath, and I was grateful for the short break. Carlisle sat down next to me, gazing at the hospital windows that were shining brightly in the darkening evening. I took a few deep breaths, savoring the fresh air in my lungs. I was fed up with the filtered hospital air.

The pale deity next to me was quiet, and he suddenly looked pensive. I wondered if the young man's fate still bothered him.

"What's on your mind?" I asked. If he wanted to get something off his chest, I would be willing to listen - it was the least I could do for him.

He straightened himself, leaning against the back of the bench while his pale fingers rubbed the dark wood on the bench's arm. I waited.

"Nothing," he finally said.

"But I wanna know," I insisted. He hesitated as if he was going to tell me something unpleasant, his golden eyes avoiding me.

"I was only thinking about tomorrow," he muttered shortly.

"What happens tomorrow?"

Carlisle glanced at the sky and I followed his gaze, but saw nothing more than blackness behind the branches of the oak.

"Nothing," he repeated. "It's Esme's birthday."

His voice was wistful and his eyes were sad, and when he turned to look at me, I had to turn away in shame. His words made me feel very small again, and it had nothing to do with the oversized clothes. It was he guilt that made me shrink.

I cleared my throat to break the silence. "Human birthday or otherwise?" I asked, as if it was a normal question that could be asked from anyone. I needed him talking - it felt better than the silence. It was selfish of me to force him to talk, but I needed to hear him speak.

"Human," he said, and for my surprise there was amusement in his tone. For the millionth time I wondered why he wasn't furious with me for breaking his family. If it wasn't for me, he would have his wife by his side, and they would celebrate her birthday tomorrow.

"What day is it now?" I queried. I had lost the track of days once again.

"The second day of December," he told me solemnly.

Wow. It would be Christmas soon - another time of the year that I wasn't looking forward to. If I even was here anymore when the Christmas came. I had used to like Christmas before, to some extent at least, only thinking that it was a little too hasty and hurried for my taste. But now it was just an empty day, with no one to share it with.

A sudden screech that sounded from the sky made me jump. I looked up to see the cause of the noise. The only thing I could see the silhouette of a small bird against the dark sky.

"A sharp-shinned hawk. _Accipiter striatus_," Carlisle reported like an experienced ornithologist. I shot an astonished glance at him.

His eyes were still following the hawk as it flew away. "It's odd that it's still circling up there. They usually hunt during daylight."

How inappropriate hunting behavior from a bird.

The lights of the hospital reflected from Carlisle's eyes as he turned to look at me. "Did you make a wish?" he inquired.

Apparently my face went blank, because he started to explain.

"Native Americans believe that hawks are messengers. They hear our prayers and fly them up to the skies." A small smile played on his lips.

"Oh."

"So make a wish."

"You make a wish," I grumbled.

"I already did," he laughed. I wondered what he had wished for.

I didn't know what to wish - nothing came to my mind. And the hawk was flying away, taking the chance with it. Taking my empty wish up to the skies.

"Make the wish for me," I asked from Carlisle. He still wore that secret smile, and fire danced in his eyes.

"If that is what you wish."

I had to smile at his teasing tone. Carlisle closed his eyes for a moment, then opened them again and looked at the receding shadow that moved against the dark sky.

"You can't ask," he stated, just when I was about open my mouth to ask what he had wished for me. I huffed in frustration.

The snow was falling from the heavy clouds as we sat together, and watched the messenger on its way to the heights.

* * *

**A/N: **Once again I thank you all for your reviews. And also thank you for those who have bothered to read but didn't comment :)

This chapter is a bit different, and I'm quite satisfied with it. It has a little less angst in it and a little more playfulness. About Esme's birthday; I searched for that information but Stephenie Meyer hasn't given any specific date of birth.

Hope you enjoy the story so far!


	15. Chapter 15: Storm

**A/N: **Happy birthday Peter Facinelli! :)

* * *

_**Lonely be the dark of night**_  
_**When sleep is but a yearning wish,**_  
_**To dream of sweet companions close,**_  
_**As wine would pair with diner's dish.**_

_**Lonely do these thoughts me make**_  
_**That draw my blood of precious life;**_  
_**Replace with stream of flowing pain**_  
_**To bless my veins with coursing strife.**_

_**Lonely years are now my friends,**_  
_**Lonely cries bereft of sound,**_  
_**Lonely tears that cool my face**_  
_**In lonely life of sullen pace.**_

-Mark R. Slaughter-

* * *

**Storm**

BPOV

My legs were heavy as Carlisle brought me back to my room that evening. We hadn't stayed outside for long - twenty minutes, at most. I had started to get chilly and Carlisle suggested that we go back inside. It had felt good to get out of my hospital room; I couldn't even remember the last time I'd really gone outside. The nurses had often offered to take me at those times when I wasn't too weak, but I had often refused.

I shrugged my coat off and kicked the sneakers off my feet. Then I hung the coat on the back of the chair to dry up. The snowflakes had started to melt on the fabric, and making it look blotchy. My sweatpants joined the jacket soon.

I was getting tired. The evening was still young, but the walk had worn me down. I staggered to the small washroom to brush my teeth, deciding that it was best if I just tried to get some sleep.

When Carlisle had walked me back to my room, I had been about to thank him for bothering to babysit me again, but one of the nurses had called him to check on one of the patients down the hall. He had told me that he would come by later to see me if I was still awake. I realised that I really wanted to thank him, and I hoped that I would be awake when he came back.

After emerging from the bathroom I tried to eat something again. The nurse had apparently stopped by in my room; there was a red apple and a nutrition bar on the bedside table. I grabbed the apple in my hand and took a bite; the taste was sweet. I chewed mechanically, not really enjoying the process of eating.

As I ate rest of the apple, I started looking back at the day that had passed.

It had been rather good day. I hadn't felt this good in months, to be honest. It surprised me. As did the fact that I managed to eat the whole apple without gagging.

Without the sound of my chewing the room was very silent. I waited for the anxieties to hit me - the worst thing about the panic attacks was that they could come out of nowhere, without any triggers or reasons. I could be sitting on my bed, lost in my thoughts, or I could be in the shower, washing my hair, and suddenly the walls would be shrinking, and everything would come crashing down on me, making me gasp for air.

But right now I felt nothing. Maybe my demons would leave me alone tonight.

I lied down on the bed, and my hand reached out for the newspaper that sat next to my watercup. I had no interest to read it, but the distraction would be welcome until the weariness became overwhelming, and I could finally fall asleep.

I scanned the front page with my tired eyes. There was an upraising somewhere in the world. The president of the United States left somewhere to meet someone to solve a misunderstanding. There had been a huge pile-up somewhere in Europe, and one of the most wanted serial killers had been arrested...

The news were mostly negative, as if to remind me of how cruel and violent this world really was. People were striving for peace, but managed to mess things up even more. This was a cold world.

Why were people fighting for peace? The goal, the purpose had already been lost before they even started. Lost chances, lost causes...

Like me.

I turned to my side, grasping the open newspaper. My eyelids were heavy, and I slipped into a restless slumber as the bad happenings of the world whirled in my mind. The sound of my own heartbeat lulled me deeper into dreams.

I don't know how long I had been sleeping but suddenly I woke up without a reason. The newspaper was no longer in my hands, and instead of lying on top of the covers I was lying under them. Someone had turned the light out. I glanced at the clock; the pointers shone brightly in the dark room. Two AM.

It was the beginning of a new day, and I remembered what Carlisle had told me last night. It was Esme's birthday.

Silent grief punched through me as I thought of the woman with the hair of caramel. She had always been so kind to me, so supportive. I remembered when I had first met her; I had felt like I'd seen the Snow White herself in person. If her death made me grieving, what would it do to Carlisle? They had been together for so long, longer than I could even comprehend. And it had taken so much time for Carlisle to find her. It wasn't fair that life was forcing him to go through those ordeals.

My eyes filled with bitter tears but I blinked them away. Crying wouldn't help me, and nor it would help Carlisle. The damage was already done, and there was no way to erase it.

The door of my room creaked open, and in the dim light I could see Nurse Owens peeking inside. I wanted to pretend that I was asleep, but it was too late now - I had moved my head and she had seen that. I saw her figure stepping inside the room and walk by my side, the dim lights of the hallway shining behind her.

"Everything alright, Miss Swan? Is there anything you need?" she whispered. Her warm hand touched my forehead.

"No, I'm okay." I had to clear my throat; it was hoarse from the emotions that had boiled inside me a moment ago.

"Why are you awake then? Do you feel ill?" Nurse Owens's voice was kind and gentle. Normally I would get annoyed if someone was fussing around me too much. But she seemed truly concerned. I was supposed to be her patient, but she worried after me like I was her own child at least. I couldn't be mad at her, she only meant well.

For a short moment I wondered when I had become so open-minded and tolerant. That wasn't like me at all.

"Miss Swan?" she urged. I'd forgotten that she had asked me a question.

"I'm not ill. I just woke up and couldn't sleep."

My answer seemed to satisfy her.

"Well, you should try to get some more sleep then. The doctor was here earlier, a few hours ago. But you were out like a light. You had crawled under the newspaper," she chuckled, sounding amused.

That's nice. I wondered if the whole hospital had stopped by to laugh at my weird sleeping arrangement. They probably could have, and I would have had no idea.

If I ever read a newspaper again, I would do it standing up. It was unlikely to fall asleep while you were standing, right?

Nurse Owens chuckled again and smoothed out the covers. "Good night, Miss Swan. Press the button if you need anything." She turned around, her clothes rustling as she walked out of the door and closed it behind her.

I was left alone in the darkness once again.

Someone had forgotten to draw the blinds of the corridor window, and the night lighting of the hallway infiltrated through it. I didn't want to bother by getting up and closing them. The lights created patterns and figures against the empty walls, and the shadows danced on the floor every now and then when a nurse or a doctor walked by.

As a child, I had always tried to see more in those patterns and shadows that there was to be seen. The imagination of a child was endless and knew no boundaries. A pile of clothing transformed into a lion during the nightly hours, and a shadow of a bathrobe became a huge ghost...

That's when I had often started to call out for my mom.

But now I didn't call out. For anyone. Not even when the shadow of a nurse mutated into a lurking, creeping creature...

There was no one to make the shadows go away.

I flinched and turned to my side, turning my back to the shades and shadows. But also turning my back to the light. How could you avoid the other without avoiding both?

I guess you couldn't. Without the darkness there could be no light. One couldn't survive without the other.

With these thoughts, I drifted to a restless sleep again.

* * *

_My lungs are burning._

_I try to move my feet, but my legs are stiff, like someone has shackled concrete weights around them. I stumble._

_The air escapes me. The ground beneath me is cold and moist, and my fingers are digging into the loamy soil. It sticks under my nails._

_I push myself up. I have to keep going. If I stop, everything else will stop too. My trembling feet are carrying me through the dark forest. A tree branch swings me at the face. It stings and something drips to my cheeks. _

_Maybe it's blood. Maybe it's tears. It doesn't matter to me now._

_What matters is that I won't be left behind. I have to keep going, I have to catch whoever is rushing ahead of me. I stumble again, and this time it hurts more._

_I'm panting on the ground. How can I find the strength to get up again? I press my palms against the wet ground and hope that my arms can take the weight of my body._

_The tree trunk is coarse as I lean heavily against it. My lungs are in fire, exploding._

_I have to keep going..._

_I take five more steps, partly crawling. My blood drips to the ground. I can't see it because it too dark, but now I know it's blood._

_Five more steps._

_As I try to gather more energy to move myself, I suddenly realise something._

_I'm not chasing after anything._

_Someone is chasing me._

_I turn around._

_The only sound in the darkness is my own choked scream._

* * *

"Miss Swan? Miss Swan! Isabella!"

I gasped and bolted upright in my bed. The sheets were knotted around my legs, beads of sweat dripping on the covers.

I looked at the woman beside my bed, confused.

Nurse Owens looked back at me, observing me with worry in her eyes.

"You were trashing in your sleep. Do you feel sick?"

I shook my head hastily, still shaken about my dream.

"I'm fine. It was just a nightmare."

Nurse Owens looked pitying and swiped a lock of graying hair behind her ear. "Poor Isabella," she said. "Did you manage to get any sleep?"

To Nurse Owens I was always either Miss Swan or Isabella. I had no will or interest to correct her anymore.

"Yeah. I've had worse."

She had a scolding expression on her face. It always made me feel that I had done something wrong even when I hadn't. She started loading something into my hands.

"It's time for some breakfast, I'm afraid. Eat as much as you feel able."

So it was already morning - it was about time.

I looked at the object in my hand. The sleek surface was warm against my cold palms. I realised that it was a small bowl of oatmeal. It reminded me too much of that mud and clay where I had crawled in during my dream...

I took a spoonful of it, but tasted nothing.

It took a long time before the bowl was finally empty, and when it was the nurse nodded approvingly. "Can you eat anything else?" she asked hopefully.

I shook my head vigorously. Eating that porridge without any appetite had been challenging enough. "No thank you," I mumbled.

She promised to leave something on the table in case I became hungry later.

I made my way to the bathroom and started undressing for shower, realising that my gown was moist with sweat. Night sweats were common when you had leukemia, but this time it had been even worse. The struggle in my nightmare rushed back into my mind. I flinched away from the memory.

I felt stiff and achy all over, and the hot water in the shower didn't bring me much relief. The previous day had been quite active one for me, but not as active as my night had apparently been. I wondered how violently I had raved and tossed around while I was asleep.

After a moment Nurse Owens brought me a towel and dry clothes. I pulled the dark blue pants and the short gown on me without really focusing on the ordinary task. I was suddenly very tired again, and all I wanted to do was sleep.

My wet hair dampened the gown, and the warm water trickled down my bare back where the gown was still open and untied. Nurse Owens swiped the hair away and laced the back of the shirt briskly. Then she walked me back to my bed and said that the doctor would stop by in a moment. The nurse hurried away after that, closing the door behind her.

I tapped my wet hair into a towel as I waited for the time to pass. My thoughts went back to my dream again, and I idly wondered what or who had chased me in it. I remembered turning around and seeing something so terrifying that it had paralyzed me. But I couldn't remember what it was. It was as if my own mind tried to protect me from myself.

I guess it wasn't such a bad thing. Sometimes I needed protecting from my own mind.

I didn't have to wait for long until the door of my room opened. But the person who stepped inside wasn't someone I expected to see. I felt a sting of disappointment.

A woman with auburn, curly hair waltzed inside. She wore a polite smile on her face, the one you gave to people out of habit. I knew that smile - it was the same one I myself had hidden behind many times.

"How are you feeling this morning, Miss Swan?" she asked perkily. This woman was familiar to me, and I knew she had treated me before. But I couldn't remember her name.

"Good," I murmured, wondering where Carlisle was.

The auburn-haired doctor answered to my unspoken question.

"Your own doctor couldn't be here this morning. Dr. Cullen is currently attending a difficult surgery. Do you remember me?"

So Carlisle was busy. A slight wave of relief washed over me - for a moment I had thought that he was avoiding me. And I really couldn't blame him if he did. It was a difficult day for him, and being stuck in the same hospital with the person who was indirectly responsible for deaths of his wife and son couldn't be very pleasant for him.

I felt the doctor's gaze drilling into me, and I realised I hadn't payed attention to her question. And she was waiting for my answer with a frown on her face.

"Yeah," I finally said. "I remember you." I glanced at the name tag on her coat. 'Dr. E. Wiley', it said.

After a moment she proceeded to take my blood pressure and tried my pulse. I realised that her warm fingers felt weird against my skin - I had gotten used to Carlisle's cold fingers. Her warm touch felt foreign, wrong even. The sensation confused me.

And as if my day couldn't get any worse, it was time for a blood test. I was sure that Dr. Wiley was a talented doctor, but compared to Carlisle her actions seemed clumsy and rough. It took a moment for her to find the vein; it wasn't completely her fault that it was so difficult. My thin condition certainly didn't make the task any easier, and it made the process much more difficult for me to handle.

"Alright. I'll take these into the lab after a moment. We'll run some tests and we'll see what your blood count looks like." She hid the viles into her pockets.

I didn't care what my blood count looked like. There wouldn't be any change for the better, at least.

"Is there anything in your mind that bothers you? Any questions?" Her grey eyes were kind.

I shook my head mutely, wondering if my silence was rude.

"Okay then. Let me run these by the lab and we'll see how we move on with your treatments. Then we'll discuss it with your doctor." Her black heels clacked against the floor as she turned and walked to the door. She waved her hand as a goodbye and left.

What was the point in continuing the treatments? They only made me sick, even more sick than I already was. And my prognosis was pathetic. Why should I postpone the inevitable?

I couldn't understant it.

The day went on slowly with my grim thoughts. I was still feeling a lot better than during the past few weeks, and didn't feel tired or sick, and one of the nurses even took me for a walk outside my room. We roamed through the hallways more than two hours. Every now and then I let my eyes scope the surroundings and the people around me, and at one point I thought I saw a glimpse of golden blond hair flashing behind the corner. But it disappeared, and a part of me wondered if it had been my imagination.

Maybe I just hoped to see him.

My gaze wandered to the window, and I idly realised that the snow still covered the ground.

Eventually the day turned to the afternoon, and the afternoon turned to evening.

And Carlisle didn't come to see me.

I tried to suppress the disappointment, draping an impassive mask over my mind.

Carlisle was a doctor. He was busy. He didn't have to be here all the time, taking care of my petty needs - he didn't owe me anything. I didn't need him.

I didn't need anyone.

Only nightmares accompanied me that night.

* * *

The sleep had evaded me during the late hours. I managed to get a few hours of restless sleep, but it really didn't matter if I hadn't. There was a whole day ahead of me with nothing to do, and I might as well spend it while sleeping.

The nurses seemed to disagree with me.

One of them rushed me out of the bed and encouraged me to eat something, and then go and take a shower. She fussed around me and babbled without a break, even as I tried to enjoy the silence of the bathroom. My physical condition was the same as yesterday, so I wouldn't have needed any help in washing up. But the nurse had unyieldingly decided that I was still that neurotic and feeble young girl like a few weeks ago.

On the inside I still was.

Nurse Elliot stopped by in my room at midday, and urged me to go for a walk with her again. I complied almost happily - I had nothing better to do than sit in my room and wallow in my thoughts. The constriction that had stayed away for days was coming back now, and I didn't want it to.

Nurse Elliot waited by the door as I rummaged through my locker to find my blue bathrobe.

"Dr. Cullen won't be in today," she suddenly uttered, just when I yanked the blue fabric from the locker.

I wrapped the robe around me, slowly and casually. My expression held no interest, nor did my voice when I asked, "Really. Why not?"

Nurse Elliot tossed her sandy ponytail behind her back and shrugged. "I heard he switched shifts with someone. A migraine, apparently."

I stifled the snort that almost escaped me. A migraine. What do you know.

Swallowing the lump in my throat along with my emotions, I walked to the door where the nurse waited. I intended to step out of the door strong.

_I don't care, _I told myself. _I don't give a damn if he avoids me._

I kept my eyes strictly ahead of me during the walk. There was no point looking around and searching for someone who wasn't even there. Someone who didn't even care to see me.

The feeling was so bitter than it burned.

Nurse Elliot's words surprised me as we returned to my room an hour later.

"Poor Dr. Cullen. He's stuck inside, suffering from his migraine and it's so pretty outside. Sunny days are so rare in this city. Too bad that the snow melted, though."

It took me a moment until I comprehended her words.

The sun was shining. That's why Carlisle was away from the hospital, suffering from his 'migraine'.

I almost felt like laughing. Almost. But it still didn't explain his absence the previous day.

"Isabella? Are you okay?"

I shook myself from my reverie and glanced at Nurse Elliot.

"Yeah. I was just thinking about the snow," I lied smoothly.

The nurse made me eat some soup for luch. As I ate, or forced the food down my throat more likely, she started to chat about her upcoming trip to somewhere in Europe during the upcoming winter. It surprised me that there was a place on this earth that she still hadn't seen. It seemed like to me that she had been everywhere.

When I simply couldn't eat anymore, Nurse Elliot took my tray and suggested that I should take a nap. It felt like a good idea. My eyelids had started to droop, and suddenly I was very tired. I crawled under the covers, and within minutes the sleep had overpowered me.

* * *

Dark figures shaded my dreams.

At first I was in that same forest, being pursued once again. My heart was pounding like crazy and I was gasping for breath. Running from running, doing everything to escape that awful creature that wouldn't leave me alone. Eventually I reached a deep ditch. It wasn't too wide, and I easily could have jumped over it to get to the other side.

I would be safe.

But instead of leaping to the safety, I jumped from the frying pan straight into the fire; in the middle of my jump the ditch expanded, opened its huge jaws to consume me, and then I was falling...

At that point I woke up with a start, covered in sweat. My heart was still pounding fast, and my lungs were heaving as if I had really been running for hours to an end. But all those feelings were pushed aside as my stomach turned around.

I'd had two healthy days in a row. I guess someone had decided that it was enough.

I jumped up from my bed and stumbled on the floor. Ignoring the pain, I stood up, wavering for a moment and making my way to the bathroom just in time as my stomach heaved and gave up its contents.

Sobs erupted somewhere deep in my throat as I tried to hold myself together. My ears were ringing and a dense fog clouded my vision.

I let myself fall on the cold floor.

* * *

The tiles were hard and cool against my cheek.

My head pounded, and the lights hurt my eyes. I cracked open one lid.

A mistake.

I had to drag myself into a sitting position and bend over the toilet again, the taste of acid and bile filling my mouth. Did I even have anything left in my stomach to be able to vomit?

Apparently I had.

I flinched as my temple hit the floor again. I had no strength to stay awake.

Through the hazy fog, I could hear noises. Blabbering and talking, hasty and soft steps. Something touched my forehead. More words again.

The sound of footsteps started again, then receded. The silence was hollow, and I wanted to sleep.

Footsteps neared, this time louder and more distinguishable. It woke me up from my stupor.

Something pressed against my wrist, a touch hovering above my upper lip to make sure that I was breathing. More words were spoken, and I struggled to understand them.

"Miss Swan? Can you hear me?"

It was a voice of a woman, and I had heard it somewhere. I just couldn't remember when... I didn't know who she was.

I didn't care enough.

_Let me sleep._

Another voice, more lower this time.

"Dr. Cullen is on his way."

Dr. Cullen... That was a name I recognized. Carlisle was on his way... I just had to hold on a little longer.

But the blackness didn't give in. It was pulling me deeper and deeper. The voices sounded somewhere far away now.

"Should we move her? Has she hit her head?"

_Don't move me. I want to sleep._

Something was touching my neck and skull, pressing and tugging. I wanted to tell them to stop, that it _hurt_. But I was too deep - they wouldn't hear me even if I screamed.

A door was wrenched open somewhere, followed by the sound of hurried steps. The sound echoed from the walls.

"Dr. Wiley?" There was anxiety in that velvet voice.

"The nurse found her like this. She's been really sick and I'm not sure if she's hit her head. She's going in and out of consciousness, and we haven't been able to get anything rational out of her. She opened her eyes a few times but otherwise she's been unresponsive."

I had opened my eyes? I didn't remember that.

A hand touched my shoulder. The velvet voice was now closer.

"Bella? Can you hear me?"

_Yes_, I answered, trying to open my eyes.

Had he heard me?

The voices receded, transformed into whispers.

_Don't leave me. I'm here, don't leave me!_

Why didn't they hear me?

Suddenly the floor beneath me vanished and I was flying. A wonderful scent floated into my nose, and I breathed it in deeply, greedily. The aroma of musk, wood and linen filled my senses... The smell was so wonderful that it made the pain lessen.

Why was I swinging and waging? Flying shouldn't feel like this.

Someone lowered me down on something soft; this place was a lot softer than the tile floor. A shiver rippled through me, making me shudder.

Something was draped over me, and warmth spread over my body. Cool fingers touched my neck, probed. With my last strength I lifted my own cold hand and grabbed it.

And I didn't let go, even when the darkness took me away.


	16. Chapter 16: Resolve

_**Stephenie Meyer owns Twilight :)**_

* * *

_**The sun descending in the west,**_

_**The evening star does shine;**_

_**The birds are silent in their nest.**_

_**And I must seek for mine.**_

_**The moon, like a flower**_

_**In heaven's high bower,**_

_**With silent delight**_

_**Sits and smiles on the night. **_

-William Blake-

* * *

**Resolve**

CPOV

I stayed by Bella's side throughout the night.

She was lying on her side, pale and shivering, beads of sweat glistening on her face. I reached out to wipe the moisture away. I listened carefully; her heartbeat was quick but steady. Her breathing was like music to my ears, and I realised that I could sit here for a thousand years, only listening to her inhaling and exhaling. And I would never grow tired of it.

Bella mumbled something incoherent in her sleep, moving her arms. I straightened her IV line so it wouldn't yank her painfully if she happened to shift again.

Words couldn't describe the emotions I had gone through when I had gotten that phone call a few hours ago. I hadn't gone to work during the past day - it had been too sunny. I'd managed to switch my shift so that my working hours wouldn't begin until the sun had set. Migraine had been a poor excuse, but it was all I had.

It had been pure torment to stay away from the hospital all day. My hours had passed while hiding inside my house, and when I had grown tired of the loneliness, I'd gone to the forest for a quick hunt.

The beginning of my shift had neared eventully, and I had jumped into my car. Midway to the city my cell phone had rung - there had been urgency in that sound. The caller had been one of the nurses, telling that Bella's condition had worsened somehow.

Needless to say, I broke quite a few speed limits on my way to the hospital.

I'd had a million thoughts in my mind in that moment. What could have happened to her? She had been feeling so well for the past few days...

When I had arrived to the hospital, I hadn't bothered to take the elevator. My hurried steps had carried me to the door that led to the staircase because going that way took less time.

I had arrived in Bella's room, and found her on the bathroom floor, pale and motionless. Dr. Wiley and Nurse Owens had been crouched over her, assessing the situation.

Bella had been obviously very sick. Her skin had been clammy and cold, and we couldn't get her to wake up properly. After finding no visible injuries, I had lifted her up in my arms and carried her to the bed. She had been light as a feather, and it concerned me. She shouldn't have been weighing so little.

Somehow she had sensed my presence and raised her hand to grab my wrist. The strength in her grip was evident, regardless of the weak state she was in.

I returned from my memories as the young woman shifted beside me. My gaze sweeped over her frame, and I realised that even though the illness had exhausted and withered her body, she was still very beautiful in my eyes.

It made me wonder how she would look like now, in the age of twenty-three, if she had never gotten ill. And how would she look like, if she were an immortal?

The thought made my unbeating heart leap.

Bella started to stir slowly. A small furrow appeared between her eyebrows. Her eyes opened, and she tried to blink the sleep away while feeling out her surroundings.

I waited patiently, looking down at her.

"Oh for crying out loud," she muttered hoarsely.

That surprised me. It wasn't the reaction I had been waiting for.

"Am I dead?" she asked.

I tried to take the question with a humor, only to fail miserably.

"Of course not," I informed her. "How do you feel?"

She closed her eyes for a moment, assessing. Then her chocolate brown eyes opened once again, and her lips pursed up.

"Like I've been hit by a train. Or being trampled on by a basketball team."

I chuckled at her choice of words, wondering if the basketball team had a better reason to run her over. If my memory served, Bella wasn't very capable at anything involving a piece of game equipment, and a large group of other people.

"Does it hurt somewhere?" I queried. "Can you remember what happened?"

She closed her eyes, contemplating. Her forehead furrowed once again.

"Um... I was sleeping. And then I felt sick. Don't remember much after that. Someone was talking and poking."

I reached out with my hands and explored her head with my fingers, checking for any sore spots and bumps.

"That would probably be Dr. Wiley and Nurse Owens," I answered. "Nurse Owens found you on the floor when she was on her round."

I felt when she nodded her head. "Yeah, the doctor with the curly hair. I couldn't remember her name."

My fingers pressed gently her skull. "Please tell me if you feel any pain or tenderness," I told her.

Suddenly my mind was filled with images and memories of the day I had first met Bella. Edward had told me about her, and mostly about his problem with controlling his thirst around her.

It had been a normal day in Forks, and I had been at the hospital in my office when Edward had stormed inside, frantic. For a moment I had feared the worst; had he killed that innocent young girl? But Edward had assured me that she was still alive, and there had been a car accident at the school parking lot. He had been worried about her head, wanting to make sure that he hadn't done any permanent damage as he had pushed her out of the way when a van had skidded across the ice.

My fingers found now a small bump on the side of her head, and Bella winced a bit, just like on that day in Forks.

I guess some things really came full circle.

I glanced at her carefully, her gaze meeting mine as she looked at me under her eyelashes. "It's not tender," she stated. Her comment made me smile; she remembered that day, too.

She started pushing herself up by the elbows, and I hurried to help her so that she could sit up.

"Could you take that needle out of my hand? I can manage without it. I feel a lot better now."

I considered her request, hesitating.

"I promise to drink," she swore.

Sighing, I complied. Bella turned away as I unhooked the IV and covered the puncture wound on the top of her hand with a band-aid.

Her eyes searched the clock. "Is it seven in the morning or in the evening?" she huffed, trying to figure out which time of day it was.

"In the morning."

My answer caused her to look perplexed. "How many days did I sleep?" The question was obviosly sarcastic, but I answered anyway.

"Only around the clock," I chuckled. "Not for a hundred years, as the Sleeping Beauty did. There's no need for the knight in the shining armor," I teased.

"He was a prince," she remarked, causing me to I laugh quietly.

"I know."

Our eyes met in that moment, and an electric current shot through me as I drowned in the brown spheres. Her eyes were hypnotizing, and they held me in their grasp, tightly and relentlessly. Warmth radiated from her body, warming my own cold one.

She inhaled sharply and flinched. Had she felt that too? Or had I upset her?

I tore my gaze from her face, regretful.

It was very quiet.

Eventually she cleared her throat carefully. "Were you here all night?" she asked quietly. I turned my eyes back to her, studying her expression.

She didn't seem upset, only cautious. I should be more careful around her from now on - I didn't want to cause her any discomfort.

"Mostly. I had to go for a round a couple of times, because there were no other doctors on duty."

Her face grew pensive again, and I couldn't figure out what was going through her mind. Edward had always almost gone mad about not knowing her thoughts. And now I had a glimpse of what he had gone through all those years ago.

Bella took a breath. "You don't have to feel like..." she struggled with her words. "I mean, you don't have to worry about me all the time. You don't have to feel that I'm your responsibility. Your liability." Her eyes were avoiding mine, circling around the empty room.

Her words stabbed me.

I couldn't understand what she meant. Did she not want me around her, near her? If she didn't, I could understand. The world had caused her pain, _I_ had caused her pain. The pain she did not deserve.

But I wanted to stay near her. Nothing soothed me more than seeing her face, hearing the sound of her heartbeat - the knowledge that I still had this day, this moment to be with her. That she hadn't left this world yet.

I didn't want her to leave.

I was about to convince her that I didn't stay because I felt responsible of her. Of course, in a way I _did_ feel responsible. But it wasn't the only reason I needed her company.

I opened my mouth to answer, but the sound of nearing footsteps on the hallway stopped me. Another heartbeat could be heard, and the door knob was turned.

The door opened to reveal Dr. Wiley.

Her expression was serious as she looked at me, and I knew immediately that something was wrong. She glanced at Bella who was still sitting on the bed, flashing her a casual smile.

"It's good to see you awake, Miss Swan," she said. The smile didn't reach her eyes.

Bella gave her a polite nod, but didn't say anything.

I remembered that I was still sitting on the edge of Bella's bed, and I rose quickly. It didn't feel inappropriate for me to sit so close to her, but to someone else it might have seemed unconventional. I didn't care about my reputation that much, but I felt the need to guard Bella's.

But I had a feeling that Dr. Wiley wouldn't resent our proximity. She knew that Bella and I went back a long way. And she had seen me carry her last night. She wouldn't judge.

"Good morning, Dr. Wiley," I greeted her politely.

"Morning, Dr. Cullen. I was wondering if you could give your opinion about something." The flare died in her grey eyes, and the movement of her hands caught my attention.

A paper was held between her fingers. My precise eyesight picked up Bella's name in the dimly lit room.

It almost made me come apart at the seams.

I buried all the fear and worry somewhere deep, giving a quick glance at Bella.

She was rolling her eyes at our seriousness, looking rather negligent. I gave her a small smile, promising to stop by later.

I immediately regretted for not saying something else, because the last time I had said those words to her I hadn't been able to see her properly in two days. The day before yesterday had been awfully busy; had I been a human I surely would have collapsed from exhaustion. When my shift had finally ended on that day, she had been already asleep.

Yesterday had been even more nerve-wracking with all the sunshine and with nothing to do.

I focused on the sound of Dr. Wileys footsteps to keep myself in control. Her heels clapped against the floor, the sound echoing and resonating in the silent room. I glanced one more time at Bella and followed Dr. Wiley out of the door.

The hallway was silent.

Dr. Wiley led me to the personnel's break room. No one was present. All the nurses on duty were monitoring the patients. The room was as empty as my heart was.

The papers swished in Dr. Wileys hands as she examined them. Then she sighed and passed them to me. I took them, swallowing convulsively the venom that had risen in my throat.

I scanned the papers with both care and swiftness, trying to tell myself that this was to be expected. That it shouldn't shock or surprise me.

Then why did it hurt so much?

Dr. Wiley's friendly voice penetrated into my consciousness.

"I finally got those results from the lab. I took a bloodsample from her two days ago to get the complete blood count." She stopped for a short moment. Her grey eyes were filled with sorrow.

"As you can see, the number of the immature blood cells have increased exponentially. A few weeks ago the situation wasn't this bad. The cancer had started to spread, but we hoped that the therapy would slow it down. But now the blasts have almost invaded the bone marrow completely." Her gaze dropped to the ground. "It's all over her blood."

Her words echoed in the room.

When the blasts invaded the bone marrow, it could do a lot of damage. The bone marrow was unable to produce any healthy blood cells, which resulted in the lack of blood platelets and red blood cells. The malignant cells could spread to the other vital organs of the body through the bloodstream.

"We could try more intense treatments, and more often. But I don't know how willing she will be. She seems..." Dr. Wiley's words died away. "She has known from the beginning that she might not pull through."

I felt like I was looking down at myself from somewhere far away. Did the out-of-body experience feel like this?

It was very quiet. The silence in the room stood out, and I realised that I hadn't uttered a word during the conversation. I folded the papers in half and gave them back to Dr. Wiley. She eyed me, looking concerned.

"Do you want me to break the news to her? This really isn't a new turn for Miss Swan. We've only confirmed what we suspected from the beginning." Her words seemed harsh, but I knew that she felt deeply for every patient, including Bella. Her eyes were kind, but sad. She was offering to take the hard task and tell the patient that she wouldn't survive. That was one of dark sides of being a doctor; it was always difficult having to tell bad news to the patient, or give condolences to the relatives when someone had died.

But this was Bella we were talking about.

Bella.

"No," I said, speaking now for the first time in minutes. "I'll tell her." It was my job, my burden.

And yet, maybe not all hope was lost.

I turned on my heel and made my way to the corridor, trying to slow down my steps and thinking about how I should tell all this to Bella. But the corridor as too short, and before I even knew it I was at her door again. I opened it slowly.

Her bed was empty, but I could hear the sound of her heartbeat in the bathroom. It sounded like she was brushing her teeth. The door was open and she peeked through it to see who had come inside, a white toothbrush sticking from her mouth. I was glad to see her up and about.

"Hold on a sec," she mumbled and disappeared into the bathroom again.

The water started running as she washed her face. After a moment she padded out, and said utterly carelessly, "So, what's the verdict?"

So she had known why Dr. Wiley had wanted to talk to me. I watched her climbing on the bed and sitting down, grimacing in the process.

I was still standing near the door, rooted to this very spot.

"Carlisle."

Her voice made me look up.

She wore that same heedless expression, as if nothing in this world could hurt or affect her. Was she truly so passive, or was it just a mask which she could hide behind? Like an armor, or a shield.

"It's okay. You can tell me."

I observed her carefully, listened the tones of her voice. She either believed in her own words, or then it was just an act. A very talented one.

I let my feet take me to the chair next to her bed and I sat down, twisting my hands in my lap.

"Dr. Wiley received the results of your blood test." My voice was surprisingly calm, despite of the chaos that was raging beneath the surface. "The leukemia cells have spread, and they'll keep spreading. We'll have to try more aggressive methods of treatment, but..." I didn't know how to continue. Suddenly I was ashamed, engulfed by the despair, and I couldn't look at her.

"Carlisle, it's okay."

Her face was somber, but determined. How could she be so calm about this?

"Bella, it is not okay. I cannot understand why - "

"Carlisle," she cut me off. She held my gaze, and I fell silent.

"You're not telling me anything new. I've known this all along and I've made my peace with it." She said it very slowly, stressing every syllable.

I looked at her, trying to understand. Her voice transformed into a mere whisper. "It's not that I don't appreciate everything you've done for me. And I want to thank you for that."

A sudden panic filled me, and for a moment I felt like she was saying goodbye.

"Bella, there has to be a way. You have to understand..." My voice broke off as she shook her head vigorously.

"There are things in this world that you just can't fix. And I'm one of them. You have to accept that." Her eyes were almost black. "Don't try to fix me."

How could she be so cold, so emotionless about this?

"Bella - "

I was interrupted as the door opened again, and I promised to the Lord Himself that one of these days I would take Bella and lock us both in an empty room and wouldn't let her out until we had talked things through.

Nurse Elliot peeked inside.

"Dr. Cullen, I'm sorry if I'm interrupting something. I can come back later," she apologized.

I shook my head, standing up and glancing at Bella. "I'll talk to you later about this," I remarked, decisive. She arched her brow and shrugged.

I strode across the room, bypassing Nurse Elliot and giving her a friendly pat on the shoulder. She responded with a polite smile.

As I walked towards my office, I peeked out of the window. It looked like the sun would stay hidden today. I should pay more attention to the weather forecast from now on, so that the sun wouldn't surprise me anymore.

I stopped by at my office to pick up my coat and then I headed outside. My shift had ended a long time ago, but I had wanted to wait for Bella's awakening and ensure that she was fine. As fine as she could be, given her current state.

My thoughts went back to her blood test results that I had received, and my heart ached. The thought of losing Bella now was unbearable to me. She was a part of my life. And I would not let her go.

The ground was wet under my shoes, because the snow had melted during the previous day. The air smelled like water and mud, and the smell managed to remind me of the spring.

I knew that the winter was coming, and the spring was still far away. There was a long journey ahead of us until the darkness would recede. But I felt hopeful.

I had made the decision.


	17. Chapter 17: Leering

_**We wear the mask that grins and lies,**_

_**It hides our cheeks and shades our eyes,-**_

_**This debt we pay to human guile;**_

_**With torn and bleeding hearts we smile,**_

_**And mouth with myriad subtleties.**_

-Paul Laurence Dunbar-

* * *

**Leering**

BPOV

I woke up in the morning to the voice of Nurse Elliot as she rushed me out of bed and made me eat some breakfast. I was feeling tired and achy, and I just wanted to crawl under the covers, sleep and be left alone. I managed to eat some of the yoghurt that the nurse forced upon me, and tried to remember what day it was, without any success. I was too tired to recall something so complicated.

The support handles attached to the shower walls were hard against my palms as I leaned heavily against them to keep myself upright. The water flowed down my back; it felt wonderful, and somehow it helped me to stay awake. I tried to shut the nurse's gabbling out of my ears as she fussed and yapped next to me. Usually I liked Nurse Elliot. She was only a little older than myself and sometimes she felt like a friend to me. But now she was really irritating. Couldn't I just go to shower, all alone, without anyeone mothering me? But I guess she didn't want to leave me by myself in case I would pass out or something.

As I got dressed, my thoughts went back to yesterday and "the news" that Carlisle had delivered to me. He hadn't told me anything new. I had known all along that the leukemia was a terminal one. I only hoped that he wouldn't feel too guilty about my fate. There was nothing he could do for me.

He had wanted to talk about something with me before the nurse had interrupted us. I knew he was trying to convince me not to give up and continue with the treatments. But what was the point? Why would I try to flee from something that I couldn't get away? Why postpone the inevitable?

I vaguely remembered that Carlisle had come to see me late last night. I didn't know if his shift had started so late, or had he been so busy for the whole day until coming to see me. He had said something to me, asked questions. I couldn't remember what they were, nor what I had answered. I had been too woozy.

"Nurse Owens will be here any moment, along with your doctor. They wanted to start as early as possible." Nurse Elliot's voice sounded somewhere far away, and it took me a moment to understand her words.

"Start what?" I asked, confused. The nurse started leading me towards my bed, now when I finally had my clothes on.

"You cytotoxin therapy," she answered brightly. "They'll try some new combination of cytotoxines and hormones to slow down the leukemia."

_Whatever._

I wondered how long it would take to convince Carlisle and the other doctors to stop the treatments and let the cancer just do its job. I did have the right to make them stop, didn't I? I had the right to walk out right now if I wanted.

But I was too tired.

So I just climbed into my bed and tried to stay awake. The wetness of my hair was absorbed by the pillow, making it clammy and blotchy. But I didn't care; within seconds I had fallen asleep again.

I woke up maybe minutes later when someone spoke quietly. I frowned and opened my eyes.

Carlisle was standing next to my bed having a quiet conversation with Nurse Owens. Nurse Elliot was nowhere in sight; she had left. Carlisle and Nurse Owens turned to me as I stirred.

"Morning, Bella," Carlisle greeted me. I mumbled something back at him as I pushed myself up.

Wordlessly, they started to prepare me for the treatment, as if Carlisle had decided to treat me with all sorts of poisons even if I didn't want him to. Nurse Owens carried me a pile of magazines and books so I could make my time pass. She also left a cup of ice cubes on the table, saying that I would feel better if I suckled them during the infusion. Nice.

I felt Carlisle taking my hand in his but I didn't look. I felt him swipe the bend of my arm with something cool and wet, and soon I felt a sharp prick. The sickening feeling made me feel hazy as I felt him setting the cannula under my skin.

I heard him chatting with Nurse Owens casually about something, but I wasn't paying much attention. Apparently it had started to snow again, and it made the ongoing repairs on the second floor more difficult. What a fascinating topic of conversation.

After half an hour Carlisle was called off somewhere else to take care of a patient whose condition was more urgent. He swiped a lock of dark hair out of my face and gave me a small smile before hurrying away. The gesture was small but sweet, and for some reason it made my heart leap and beat faster. What was wrong with me?

A lot of things.

With these thoughts, I dozed off again.

The next time I opened my eyes, it was dark.

Not exactly dark, but dim. The lights in the room were out, but there was some brightness filtering through the corridor window. I didn't even bother to think what time of day it was.

"Bella?"

That sudden quiet voice could have startled me, but it didn't. I had already gotten used to hearing it. Not gotten used to in a boring way; I could never grow tired of hearing him speak. His voice was like music, but much better, like a soothing balm for my wounds.

"Hmmh?" I wanted to let him know that I had heard him. Otherwise he would be quiet, and I didn't want that.

"Nothing." His whisper hovered in the quiet room. "Just making sure if you were awake."

As if he didn't know.

"How long was I asleep?" My words were tangled together, and even I had problems understanding them.

"A few hours. It's a late afternoon."

Suddenly it was very dark; I had closed my eyes.

"Tired," I sighed.

A smooth hand swiped my cheek. His voice was even smoother, like liquid gold and honey as he whispered;

"Sleep then."

And I did.

* * *

The next two days were difficult. Whenever I was awake I felt weak and nauseated, and an awful headache pounded at my temples. But I wasn't awake that much, barely managing to go the shower and eat something every once in a while. My energy lasted out only that time when it was absolutely necessary, and after that I was out cold.

I didn't see Carlisle much. The nurse said that he was busy, and every time he had managed to come to check on me, I had been asleep.

One morning I woke up feeling a little better - or at least I didn't feel like throwing up. The beginning of my day passed normally as any other day. The nurse brought me some breakfast and I was able to nibble some of it. The nausea hadn't passed completely, but it wasn't as bad as it had been during the last two days.

I was allowed to go to the shower with the aid of the nurse. The hot water massaged my sore muscles wonderfully, and for the first time in days I could honestly enjoy about something.

I looked at my reflection from the bathroom wall tiles as I got dressed. A bone white skeleton was a mild description of what I saw - I was too skinny, too pale. I hadn't realised that I looked so awful. But what other kind of appearance could you expect from a dying person?

My dark hair was messy and wet when I tried to comb my fingers through it. A wisp of hair caught between my fingers, and I stared at it, deciding I had better stop before I went bald.

The nurse led me back to my bed, promising that I wouldn't need an IV drip until the evening.

_Hurray._ I rolled my eyes at my own sarcastic thoughts.

"I suggest you get some sleep now, dear."

The nurse was a little bit older than the rest of them on my department, on her sixties. Her name was Sally Kimberleigh, and she insisted that everyone should call her Sally. She, on the other hand, had decided that everyone in the hospital were her "dears". Not just the patients, but everyone. Even the doctors and visitors. I could almost picture her taking orders from the president himself, and instead of a brisk "Yes, sir!" she would say "Yes, dear."

"Is there anything you might need? If there is, just press the call button and someone will come to take care of you. You must not strain yourself."

"Okay." I tried to behave like a dutiful grandchild at least.

The nurse vanished through the door and I was left to my own thoughts. I started thinking about Carlisle, wondering where was he now and what was he doing. I tried to remember our last conversation; it was hard. I felt like I hadn't seen him in ages, suddenly realising that I missed his company.

But I wasn't supposed to miss his company - I couldn't allow it to myself. If I did, I would end up hurting him more. As if I hadn't already hurt him enough.

What if you could turn back time, erase a few years off your life and start with a clean slate? What if I hadn't moved to Forks all those years ago? Carlisle would still be intact; his family would still be intact. Unbroken.

If I hadn't broken the rules and invaded their life, they wouldn't have had to move away from Forks. Rosalie, Esme and Edward wouldn't have gone to those mountains for a hunt. And they wouldn't have ran into those newborn vampires.

Esme and Edward would still be alive. They would have gone on with their lives, Edward and Rosalie would have graduated from college, and the whole family would have moved to another city and started all over again. Nothing would have interfered with their existence.

Except that I had screwed it all up first. By being present, putting my nose into affairs that weren't any of my business.

_"My world is not for you." _

I could still hear Edward's words he had said to me in that forest, like it had only been yesterday. And now I knew that he had been right. I should have stayed as far away as I could have. But now it was too late. I had broken their family, and my own heart.

I must have fallen asleep during my wallowing, because I suddenly jumped when a door banged closed somewhere down the hall. I blinked and tried to estimate how long I had been sleeping.

A quick glance at the clock confirmed it; only a half an hour. I pushed myself up into a sitting position, the small movement making my heart beat faster and I realised that I was out of breath. The treatment had made me really weak.

As minutes ticked by, I grew more and more bored. I flicked through the magazines that sat on my bedside table, but they held no interest for me.

I counted the panels on the ceiling. One hundred and forty-eight.

After that I counted all the objects in the room that were visible to my eyes. Thirty-two.

This was fun. Like watching paint dry.

While I had been counting the objects in the room, my eyes had picked a book that was sitting on a small table on the other side of the room. It was Emily Brontë's _Wuthering Heights_, one of my favorites. Months ago when I'd found out that I would be spending a lot more time in the hospital, I had packed a few of my favorite books to take with me. But I hadn't had any interest reading them in here. They had just sat on a table, abandoned and forgotten.

I decided that I might as well read that book now. It was one of those minor things that I wanted to do before I died because of this stupid disease.

It probably would have been wiser to press that small red button and wait for a nurse to come. But I didn't want to bother anyone. They had enough work to do already without having to run to take care of my petty errands. It would be better if they served the other patients - someone who had hope.

And so I swung my legs over the edge of the bed, convincing myself quietly.

I could do this. I could walk the short distance to that table, take the book and walk the same short distance back to my bed. No harm would come to anyone. I had showered this morning _almost_ on my own. And the bathroom was further away than that table.

Piece of cake.

I lowered my socked feet on the floor, and then pushed myself up.

I had to lean to my bed a little for support. The ground was rocking beneath me slightly, and I could hear the rush of blood in my ears. My heart was pounding in my chest.

I took a small step towards the table; it went well.

_Do you see. No biggie, _I kept convincing myself.

I had almost reached the table when my vision suddenly went black. I reached blindly for something to hold onto, but the only thing my hands could scoop was the empty air. My ears were ringing as my knees collided with the floor, and I was sinking back into the deep abyss, and there was no one to pull me back.

Everything went quiet, and I was gone.

* * *

A voice pierced the grinding silence. It was subdued at first, as if someone was talking through a cottonwool. Or through masses of water, or through a thick glass. I could hear the sound but couldn't tell what the words were. It annoyed me a bit.

Annoying.

Someone was touching me, probing and pressing the back of my head and my face. I wanted to take a swing at whoever was disturbing my sleep. I was so tired.

_Let me sleep._

But the touches didn't cease. Nor did the voices, and I faintly could pick up a few words here and there.

_"Bella... What... ...did you... Can you hear me... Bella!"_

The voice was now so franctic and panic-stricken that I found it harder to ignore it. It was a beautiful voice, laced with honey and silk... But it would have been even more beautiful if there hadn't been so much fear in it.

Fear. Why was the person so scared? There could be nothing wrong with it if I kept my eyes closed just a few more minutes... The bed was so soft and comfortable under me...

Except it wasn't. Neither soft or comfortable. It was cold and hard and my temple was pressed uncomfortably against it. My other arm tingled and felt weird.

I frowned. Resting shouldn't be this uncomfortable.

The voice was even more clear now, and I cracked my eyelids open a bit. A groan escaped my mouth.

"Bella. Bella, can you hear me? Don't try to move."

_Why the hell not? You try to lie on your numb arm. It's not as funny as it sounds. Oh wait, I forgot. You're a vampire, so your arm can't go numb._

"It's so unfair," I mumbled. I hadn't meant to say it out loud, and now Carlisle was probably thinking that I was delirious.

I searched his face but it was hard - my eyes didn't want to stay open. His face swam in and out of my sight. Someone stop the floor from swinging!

A cold hand on my neck made me flinch, followed by a silent murmur of an apology. But there was no need to apologize. The cold hand had startled me, but I now found it easier to open my eyes.

Carlisle was crouched over me, his golden eyes shimmering with worry and for a moment I felt guilty for causing that. His wavy, golden blonde hair flowed down on his forehead as he looked at me from above.

"Help me up," I insisted.

His voice was strict when he answered, "No."

"I can't stay here all day. I'm cold." I stared at his eyes, not avoiding his gaze. I'd be damned if looked away first.

"How many fingers am I holding up?" he asked, raising his hand.

I stared at his fingers and counted, trying to focus. Why did he have to move his hand sideways? It made the process of counting even harder.

"Four?" I suggested, knowing the answer was wrong even before the word left my lips.

Carlisle sighed and shook his head. "What am I going to do with you?" he muttered to himself.

Then he reached out and sneaked his arm behind my shoulders, slowly pulling me into a sitting position. The floor was rocking again, making me feel like I was sitting in a boat.

"Dizzy?" he asked. I refused to answer. "Want to tell me what happened?" He was pressing my head again with his fingers, apparently checking if I had any skull fractures. Wouldn't be the first time.

I sighed as I started to explain with a negligent tone. "I was bored and I wanted to get my book from that table over there." I nodded at the table where the book still sat. It stared at me, and I was sure that it was mocking me for my failure.

Was it normal to give emotions to an object?

"I thought that I would make it, but then... I guess a got dizzy or something. Don't know much of what happened after that." I shrugged and then winced. The movement hurt a bit.

"Why didn't you call the nurse? You know you should have."

I tried to interpret his tone. It wasn't angry, only stern and sententious. I could take that.

"I didn't want to bother anyone. I felt stupid that someone should rush over here if I wanted to get a book that was only three meters away from me. That just won't do." I lifted my chin and frowned at him. My jaw was set and I was grinding my teeth together. For I moment I wondered if I looked like Charlie when he had decided to be right about something.

Carlisle sighed quietly. "Bella, it's their job." He said it slowly like I was retarded.

I was getting pissed off.

I took a deep breath to calm myself down.

"It's no big deal. I'm falling down all the time and one more bump doesn't change anything."

Carlisle was about to say something but snapped his mouth shut. Then he put his arm beneath my armpits and attempted to get me to my feet.

"Slowly," he reminded me. I wanted to roll my eyes, but that would have hurt, so I didn't.

He lifted me up carefully.

I was finally standing upright. My breathing had accelerated a bit and I was leaning heavily against Carlisle's stone body. At first I didn't realise that I had a handful of his white coat in my fist.

I took a short step towards my bed, my legs were trembling with the effort. God was I in a bad shape.

I had to stop for a moment and close my eyes.

"Bella?" His hold tightened around me.

"The room is spinning," I managed to breathe.

Suddenly my legs disappeared under me, making me squeal in surprise.

Carlisle had swept me in his arms and carried me the short distance to the bed. Before I even realised, he had set me down on it.

He had fished a penlight from his pocket and was now shining it at my eyes. I cringed away from it, idly wondering why was I so sensitive to the light.

"Well, I think it's safe to say that you have a concussion," he stated quietly.

_No, really._

He opened a drawer and pulled something out on the bedside table. My eyes took in a bottle of antiseptic spray and plasters. Why would he need those?

Then he pulled himself a high stool and sat opposite of me. My confusion must have shown on my face because Carlisle started to explain.

"You have a small cut near your hairline," he said.

"Oh."

Instinctively I touched the throbbing spot at my temple.

"Ow."

Carlisle shook his head mutely, starting to swipe the dried blood away with a cotton ball. Then he applied the antiseptic spray, making me hiss. It stung a bit.

"Do you remember what day it is?" he suddenly asked.

I raised my eyebrows. Was he worried that I had hit my head so hard that it had caused me an amnesia?

"Um..." I fell silent, realising that I really didn't know what day it was. But it's not like it made any difference - I didn't keep the track of the days anymore. They were all the same, blending together week after week.

"I really don't," I confessed after a moment. "But I probably wouldn't have known even if I'd stayed on my feet. Next question, please."

Carlisle obviously didn't know if he should be amused or not, narrowing his eyes as he looked at me.

"What is your second name?"

"Marie," I answered immediately. He still seemed unconvinced.

"What time of a year is it?"

"December." I sighed. Stupid Christmas.

"Date of your birth?"

I was quiet for a moment before answering. Birthdays weren't my favorite topic.

Carlisle looked a bit remorseful, and he probably didn't want to remeber my birthday either. Or maybe he felt sorry for me.

"September 13th."

Carlisle finally gave up after my last answer. He put a plaster over the small wound, sighing quietly. "Alright then. I think you'll be just fine." He brushed the cut lightly with his finger. "It's not too deep, only a small scratch. It won't even leave a scar."

I snorted quietly. "Yay."

I put my hands on the either sides of my hips and waved my legs over the edge of the bed. As a child, I had often done that while sitting on a pier and watching the sea; Renée hadn't liked it. She had been worried that I'd fall into the water and drown.

Carlisle stood up and walked over to the table where my book was still waiting. He read the cover, a small smile lighting up his face. Then he came back to me and gave me the old and worn book.

"Emily Brontë, huh? How many times have you read it?" he asked.

I shrugged. "A few." I took the book from him, twiddling it with my fingers.

Carlisle sat down again, and I could see that something was bothering him.

"I was wondering if I could ask you something." He seemed to be on the alert. He was watching my reactions intently, as if I would suddenly pounce and start to maul him. Like that would be even possible.

"Sure. Just as long as they're not any amnesia-check questions," I remarked, causing him to chuckle.

"No." He cleared his throat and put his hands on his knees. "Well, there's actually a lot of things that we should discuss," he began.

I could think of none.

"I got a message from Alice a few weeks ago," he stated, falling silent and waiting for my reaction.

Wow. That I did not see coming. Alice. I frowned as my thoughts wandered to the pixie-like vampire. What a smartass she had been.

"How is she?" I asked, my voice casual and not revealing any emotions. I didn't know how to feel about Alice.

Carlisle seemed relieved that I hadn't started raging or reacted badly in any other way when I had heard Alice's name.

"Quite well, I think. I haven't seen her in a few months," he mused. "She's still somewhere in Europe with Jasper." He took a short break. "She was asking that how have I been, and I was wondering...well, I was wondering if you'd let me tell her that my path has crossed with you again."

His request surprised me a bit. Why would he want to tell Alice? Did he want to tell the rest of them also? They had lost their brother and mother because of me. They would resent me. And I deserved that, every bit of it.

Carlisle must have taken my silence in the wrong way because soon he was taking back his words.

"I won't tell her if it makes you feel... I don't want you to..." He pinched the bridge of his nose with his fingers. It was odd to see a vampire who was stumbling over his words.

He took a deep, needless breath and continued.

"If you don't want to see her or anyone else in the family, I will understand. I'm not forcing you to anything that makes you uncomfortable."

I looked at his sorrowful eyes, puzzled by his words.

"It's not that, Carlisle. It's just that... does she even want to see me? Why would any of them want to see me?" My voice bore confusion, but it was as steady as a rock. I didn't want to beg or be needy.

He was frowning, and obviously didn't understand what I was trying to say.

"Why wouldn't they?" he asked. "I know that Alice would be more than thrilled to get to see you again. And that goes to the others as well." He was searching my eyes, still trying to understand my confusion.

Now we were both frowning at each other. We sat, face to face, each trying to figure the other out.

Eventually I gave up.

"But why would they be thrilled? I just can't wrap my mind around it," I explained. "I am the reason that Edward and Esme are dead. They should hate me." I paused. "You should hate me. I don't understand why you still stick around."

Carlisle's expression wasn't no longer confused; it was appalled. He stared at me for a full minute or two, and I started to feel very small. But I refused to avoid his gaze, looking at him straight in the eye.

He sounded almost angry when he was finally able to open his mouth.

"Bella, how could you even think like that?" he exclaimed. "You are not responsible for their deaths! What on earth could possibly make you say that!" He grabbed my shoulders, and for a moment I thought that he was going to give me a shake. I had never seen Carlisle lose his composure, and I could see that he was struggling to keep himself at bay.

I tried not to get upset. It took me an effort to keep myself under control, not wanting any memories or feelings to resurface. I bit my lip so hard that it was a wonder that I didn't draw any blood.

"But it's true," I muttered. "How could I not be responsible? You moved to Alaska because of me. I drove you away from your home. If it wasn't for me, they would still be here. You know it's true." My voice was the complete opposite of his. It was calm and steady, almost emotionless where his had been full of agitation.

He pierced me with his golden gaze.

"Bella," he breathed. "What happened was an accident. You couldn't have influenced it in any way. Please don't feel guilty about it, because you are not the one to blame."

I didn't know what to say; in my mind I knew I was right. But I didn't want to upset Carlisle anymore. He shouldn't sit here and listen to my whining. It wasn't fair to him.

So I just shrugged, not wanting to talk about it any longer. But he refused to let me off the hook that easily.

"Promise me," he pleaded. "Promise me that you will never say such things again. And what you said about my _sticking around..."_, his tone changed from serious to slightly mocking as he stressed those two words, "... you should know that I will stick around. Not only because it's my duty, but because I want to."

"You'll grow out of it."

My comment wasn't well received. Carlisle made me look into his eyes, and when I tried to turn my head away, he grabbed my chin gently, turning it back towards his face. I glowered him as hardly as I could muster.

We sat there, completely still. Carlisle's grip was cold and tight around my chin as he prevented me from looking away.

Eventually a blush rose to my cheeks. It was surprising; I didn't remember the last time I'd blushed. Did I even have enough red blood cells in me?

I started to feel repressed - humiliated. I knew it wasn't Carlisle's intention; he wouldn't humiliate anyone. But regardless, that's how I was feeling at the moment.

This conversation was getting annoying.

Carlisle stared into my eyes a few more seconds, and then he let my gaze drop down to my hands.

"Maybe we should get back to the original topic." My peace offer sounded flimsy even in my own ears.

"Fine," he said smoothly.

"Fine," I said just as smoothly.

I sighed and bit my lip again. He dropped his hands from my face.

"So. Alice wants to..." I searched for words. "What exactly does she want?" I asked.

"I don't quite know it myself. Her message was short, very... factual, and a little bit too polite." He was frowning and I knew why. That didn't sound like Alice at all.

"Has she seen me? In her visions?" I asked, knowing that my suspicion was correct.

Carlisle looked pensive as he thought about my words. He was rubbing his chin with his other hand; it was a very human-like gesture.

"When we left you, Edward forbid Alice to look into your future. He was very stern about it, because he didn't want us to confuse your life any more than we already had. Alice had no choice," he explained, looking very apologizing. "But as for aswering your question, I think that she might have seen something," he mused. "Maybe she saw it when I decided to move to Vancouver, or maybe she saw something when I first found out that you were admitted to this hospital. I don't know. Her visions are very complicated."

I thought of his words, wondering how it would be like to see Alice again. It had been five long years, and we hadn't had the chance to say goodbye to each other. Maybe that time was now. I wanted to see Alice, the person who had been like a sister to me. A sister I never had, a sister I had lost too soon.

And soon I would be no more.

"So what do you say? Should I call her?" Carlisle's voice interrupted my thoughts.

I smiled, really and genuinely smiled, for the first time in a long time.

"Sure. It would be nice to see Alice again."

His smile was as true as my own had been. We had an agreement.

* * *

**A/N:** Again, I thank you for your wonderful reviews. Without them, I would have much less motivation to continue writing :)

This chapter is one of my own favorites for some odd reason. I'm quite satisfied with it, which is very rare. I brought up The Alice-dilemma in this chapter; some of you will dislike it and some of you will maybe love it. Alice & other Cullens must appear at some point; otherwise this story will just stand still.

Bella is being very martyr when it comes to the deaths of Edward & Esme. It's only natural for her to feel guilty and I wouldn't expect any less from her.

The quote _"My world is not for you." _is from the wonderful book called New Moon. Stephenie Meyer's creation, once again :)

I hope you enjoy my story so far! I certainly enjoy writing it. This story has been haunting my mind for so long that is almost a relief to get it on paper and put it to actual words.


	18. Chapter 18: Candlelight

_**Stephenie Meyer owns Twilight :)**_

* * *

_**I shall be telling this with a sigh**_

_**Somewhere ages and ages hence:**_

_**Two roads diverged in a wood, and I –**_

_**I took the one less traveled by,**_

_**And that has made all the difference.**_

-Robert Frost-

* * *

**Candlelight**

CPOV

"If she falls asleep, wake her up once in every two hours. Make sure that she says something rational."

My shift had ended a couple of minutes ago, and I was now giving instructions to the nurse who would keep an eye on Bella for the next few hours. I had explained to her what had happened, and the nurse was shaking her head, obviously displeased.

"I told her that she should press the call button if she wanted something. What a stubborn creature that Isabella is."

Sally Kimberleigh was "the auntie" of the department. There was something disarming about this older woman. She was kind and very invested in the work she was doing, always nurturing and taking care of every patient. The first thing she had said to me when I met her was: "Are you lost, my dear?"

The memory made me chuckle inwardly.

Now Sally was looking through the corridor window into Bella's room. Bella was sitting on her bed, _Wuthering Heights _in her hands, but she didn't seem to read it. Her gaze was directed at the wall opposite of her, and she seemed to be lost in her thoughts. I wondered if our talk about Alice was troubling her.

"She really is very stubborn and strong-willed," I agreed quietly. "And she hates to be a bother to the others. She doesn't think she's important."

Sally snorted disapprovingly at my words, and for a moment I wondered if she was going to give Bella a fillip on her head as soon as she thought I wouldn't be there to see.

I knew what she felt like. She was worried about her as was I.

"Don't worry, my dear. I'll watch her like a hawk," Sally vowed. "She won't get any other injuries under my surveillance. I won't let her out of my sight."

"I know that, Sally." I smiled at her, and as I turned around to head to the elevators, I imagined Bella's sour expression when she learned that Sally would be babysitting her for the whole evening. She would not be pleased.

I stepped outside through the automatic doors and headed to my car. For a moment I considered if I should leave it and go home on foot - I would be returning for my night shift after seven hours in any case.

Eventually I decided against it. Someone could start wondering why my car was sitting in the parking lot even though I wasn't working.

I got into my car and started to head towards the house that was located outside the city. I had bought it when I had first moved to Vancouver. A huge forest, along with mountains surrounded it. It was quite isolated and sometimes I got lonely. But that wouldn't last too long, because I would soon call Alice. She would come and visit, certainly bringing Jasper with her. The thought made me happy; it would be good to see the both of them again.

As I drove, I suddenly changed my mind about going straight home, and instead I turned my car to a side road that led towards one of the biggest provincial parks. After driving a few miles I parked, stepping outside into the cool and crisp air. The ground was icy, covered with a thin layer of snow.

I made my way through the dense forest. Everything had gone silent, even the wind. But I could still hear the fluttering heartbeats all around me. There was a deer about two hundred meters away from me, and I considered if I should hunt even though I wasn't very thirsty.

Regardless, I started to sneak towards the heartbeat that was a little bit too fast, causing me to wonder if the deer had heard or otherwise sensed me.

As I got closer, I realised why the deer was so agitated. It was a small buck, injured and limping his leg. He wouldn't survive for long with that leg in the wild nature.

The deer sensed my presence, and made an attempt to run away. It was difficult with only three functional legs, and I knew the animal was in a lot of pain. I decided to put the deer out of his misery - it was better than to leave it here to suffer.

After I had fed, I climbed upper to the mountains. The thick veil of clouds had parted, and the descending sun was peeking behind them. I got to the top just in time to see the sunset. The scene was so beautiful that it made me gasp in wonder. I had been alive for a long time, and still the world managed to amaze me sometimes. Suddenly I wished that I had someone to share this with.

But I didn't.

Because I was utterly alone - deserted.

The rock I lowered myself on was as hard and cold as my body. My eyes were still glued to the beautiful scene before me, and I wondered what Esme would have said if she were here to see this. She probably would have fretted that she didn't have any paper and paintbrushes with her - she had loved to paint.

My dead heart was ripping in half, and the rush of feelings and thoughts overpowered me again.

Why had all this happened to us? Esme and Edward were gone, and not a long distance from here, Bella was dying. The thought made me recoil, and I realised that I would give anything to keep her alive. Anything.

And that was the utter truth.

* * *

When the sun had set, I finally stood up, deciding to head home to change my clothing. I still had a few hours before my nightshift at the hospital started.

The air was crisp in my lungs as I ran back to my car. As I got in and turned around on the narrow road, I started thinking about our last conversation with Bella.

She was feeling guilty. She was blaming herself for Esme's and Edward's deaths; I didn't know why I was surprised. Bella had always been a person who put others before herself. Of course she had to take the responsibily of something that wasn't hers to take.

It hadn't been her fault, and if someone was to blame then it was me. I should have gone against Edward's will when he had wanted to move.

After driving a few minutes, I saw a glimpse of my home between the ancient pines. If I could call it home - it didn't feel like one.

I left my car in the front yard, I stepping out slowly and measuring the house with my gaze, not quite wanting to go in.

The house was a modern built and white, very similiar to the one we had in Forks. But it was empty and hollow; cold. It begged for a family to move in and live in it, not a lonely person like myself. For me it was only a void.

As I was walking to the front door, a gust of wind brought a trace of fragrance into my nostrils. It made me suddenly alert; who had followed me here? And was he or she friendly or unfriendly?

I drew in a deep breath to get a better picture. Or an aroma.

Lilies, amber, musk, orange, linen, mimosa... I suddenly felt foolish for not indentifying the visitors right away.

I opened the door - it was unlocked.

I didn't even get the door properly open when someone had jumped on me, and suddenly I was wrapped in a tight embrace. Tufts of dark hair tickled my ear.

"Hello, Alice." I was suddenly so moved that I couldn't say anything else. A lump rose in my throat, and I just hugged her tightly back as I lifted my gaze to the tall man lurking in the shadows of the dark house. He was smiling widely, and I smiled back.

"Hello, Jasper."

He didn't say anything, only nodded.

Finally Alice released me from her death grip.

She gave me a quick peck on the cheek, and then backed away to stand next to Jasper. I stepped closer to them, grabbing the hand of the leonine man as a greeting.

"It's good to see you both," I whispered earnestly. "I didn't expect you to arrive so quickly. How was Europe?"

Alice had a little reproachful look on her face, and I knew the reason behind it. I tried to offer peace.

"Alice, I was going to call," I explained. "Tonight. But it seems that you were one step ahead, like always," I chuckled.

Her expression melted a bit.

"I know, and I didn't doubt that you'd call," she chimed. "But I was so impatient that I couldn't wait. As soon as you decided to talk to Bella about me, I could see us coming here with Jasper. And we jumped on a plane and now we are here." She smiled brightly at me.

"And you are most welcome here. It was getting quite lonely," I confessed.

Jasper spoke up.

"I'm sure it was," he drawled. "This place is too big for one person only." He glanced around him, measuring the house with his gaze. "I'd go crazy if I had to live alone in here."

"I haven't been spending much time indoors," I explained. "I spend most of the time at the hospital or in the forest."

"Speaking of the hospital..." Alice started. They both looked curious.

"Let's go sit down," I offered. "And we'll talk."

Of course we didn't feel the need to sit down. It was only a habit, but a very nice one. It felt safe and familiar to sit together in the living room and discuss about matters. Many things had found their solutions that way.

I hadn't had any interest in decorating and furnishing the house - Esme had always done that. Which is why the living room was nearly empty. There were only two armchairs, a small table and a large carpet in front of a white fireplace.

Luckily Alice didn't choose to comment about my lack of effort in decorating. But I could see how she was looking at the room from top to bottom, and I could almost hear her brain ticking as she thought of what she would do to the room the second I left the house.

She danced across the wide space, sitting in front of the other armchair on the floor. She bent her legs underneath her, swiping the soft carpet with her hand with a dreamy expression on her face.

"A woman can't sit on the floor," Jasper said disapprovingly. Ever the gentleman.

"Of course I can," Alice disagreed. "And the carpet is so nice and soft. Stop whining and get over here. I want to hear what Carlisle has to say."

Jasper and I sat down, facing each other. Alice leaned her head against Jasper's knees.

I didn't know how to start or what to say. "How much do you know?" I asked Alice.

Her face sombered.

"Only that Bella is in the hospital. And that she's sick." Her pained expression told me how much she still cared about her.

I started narrating; my speech was very slow-paced. My intention was to keep myself calm, under control, and I hoped that my voice would also calm Alice and Jasper, despite of the things I was about to tell them.

"Bella was admitted to the hospital almost a year ago," I explained. "She has a terminal leukemia and she's been treated with a different types of methods. But none of them are helping her. She's gotten very weak." I paused and tried to find the strength to say the next words.

"We estimate that she only has a few weeks left, at most." I swallowed thickly.

Jasper and Alice were quiet. There were no words.

The silence continued for a few minutes. It was Jasper who broke the silence.

"How does she take it?" he asked.

I was about to answer "Not very well" but then I had to think again. Bella was taking it extremely well - too well, actually. It worried me, needless to say.

"I think that she's accepted the fact that she won't live much longer. And she seems to think that she has no reason to."

"Why would she think that?" Alice's voice was wavering; she was very upset. Jasper gave her shoulders a squeeze.

"When I started working at the hospital, and as I was assinged to be Bella's doctor, I learned something that shocked me," I said quietly, letting my gaze fall to the carpet.

"Charlie died four years ago in a shooting while he was on duty. And almost a year later, Renée and Phil got into a car accident. They didn't make it. Bella is not the same person we once knew," I explained. "All those things that have happened to her... It's obvious that she's changed. I know that deep down she's the same, but..." I shook my head. My heart was aching for her. "She's gone through so much."

Alice was holding her hand on her mouth and she closed her eyes. Jasper was frowning, trying to deal with Alice's and my emotions along with his own.

"But how..." Jasper was in a loss of words. I couldn't blame him. "Why didn't we hear about Chief Swan? Forks is such a small town, it would have been all over the news." He was shaking his head, stunned.

"It probably was," I rationalized. "But he died around the same time when Esme and Edward did. Our minds were occupied with our own grief for months after that. Maybe we just missed it."

"It's just so hard to believe."

Their expressions were doleful, like always when Edward and Esme were mentioned.

Alice drew a breath. "Carlisle... I'm so sorry for all this. I should have seen it beforehand, maybe I could have..." Her words died on her lips.

"Don't blame yourself, Alice. There's nothing you could have done."

Jasper sent waves of calm towards Alice and myself, and I looked at him gratefully. Wallowing in our guilt wouldn't solve anything.

We sat there for a long time, none of us speaking. Jasper and Alice still tried to consume all the news I had delivered to them. Darkness eventually sneeked inside. We could all see perfectly clearly, thanks to our extraordinary vision. But nonetheless, Alice stood up and disappeared. I could hear her rummaging through the boxes upstairs.

After a while she returned with a bundle of candles. She set them on the small table and lit them up, one by one.

The yellow candlelight brought warmth and comfort into the room. Alice always knew what to do.

She curled herself in Jasper's lap and purred silently, receiving a tender kiss from the man with honey-blond hair. The moment felt so private that I had to look away, and I fixed my eyes upon the candle flame.

"So. When are you going to ask her?" Alice chirped.

I looked up at her, surprised.

"Ask her what? Who?"

Alice sighed dramatically. "I mean Bella, of course! When are you going to ask her about becoming a vampire?"

I didn't answer. I would lie if I said that the thought hadn't entered my mind, because it had, several times. Somewhere deep inside my soul I had decided a long ago that I wouldn't let her die. It would be a perfect solution; to change Bella so that the illness wouldn't take her life.

The venom would cure her. She would be a part of our family again, and I wouldn't have to lose her - I would get to keep her close to me.

The thought made me feel warm.

Alice and Jasper were looking at me curiously. Especially Jasper, as he was probing my emotions. I wondered what he saw, or felt in them. I couldn't define my feelings right now.

I decided to break the silence.

"Of course I have thought of it," I confessed. "There's nothing more important to me than to keep her alive. I don't want her to die." I crossed my hands, as if for a prayer.

"I sense a 'but' coming," Alice remarked.

"The decision has to be Bella's. I don't know if I can go against her will." I had already changed one person into a vampire and later learned that she would have rather died. I knew that Rosalie didn't hold any grudge towards me anymore, but the memory of her anger still stung me.

But if Bella didn't want to... If she rather died than became one of us...

Could I take it?

Her earlier words sounded in my ears, resonating and consuming a wound in my heart.

_"It's not that I don't appreciate everything you've done for me. And I want to thank you for that...There are things in this world that you just can't fix. And I'm one of them." _Her dark eyes flared in my memories, and something cold was wringing and twisting my guts. _"Don't try to fix me."_

"You will get her convinced somehow."

I looked into Alice's golden eyes, shaking myself to get rid of the memory. Her eyes gleamed with confidence and happiness. I wanted to believe her.

Suddenly I had to know.

"What do you see in her future? Will she become one of us?"

The exitement in her eyes died away, and for a moment she hesitated.

"Nothing is set in stone," she mused. "Her future is very blurry at the moment. I cannot see... The decision has to be made first." I could see that she was frustrated.

"Does she know about Edward and Esme?" Jasper asked.

I nodded.

"I told her a couple of weeks ago. She...she blames herself."

Jasper shook his head. "Of course she does. We shouldn't expect any less from her."

He was staring at the empty space, and I knew that his thoughts were far away, somewhere in those days after Bella's birthday party five years ago. He had never forgiven himself that he had tried to attack her.

_Sometimes we are all so useless. We are blaming ourselves about everything that has gone wrong._

Maybe it was the time to let go of our guilt, learn from what had happened and move on. But it was easier said than done.

"Can I go see her?" Alice asked suddenly. "I know that Jasper wants to see her too, but maybe it would be best if it was just me for now." She was almost bouncing on Jasper's lap, so excited she was.

I glanced at the clock and decided. "Not tonight. Tomorrow, perhaps," I answered hesitantly. "Bella's been receiving cytotoxic therapy and it causes extreme weariness, among other side-effects. Not to mention she has a concussion."

My thoughts drifted back to the noon when I'd come to check on Bella. She had given me quite a fright when I'd seen her lying on the floor, motionless.

"A concussion? How did she manage that?" Alice asked. "Although it doesn't surprise me at all. She used to fall down all the time. It's good to see that some things stay the same." Alice smirked, but then grew more serious. "Is she alright, though?" she asked, worried.

"She'll be fine. Just a small scratch," I reassured. "The nurse had forbid any moving around, but you know Bella. She wanted a book from the table and went to get it, passing out in the process."

Jasper and Alice both shook their heads.

"Poor Bella," Jasper said.

Indeed.

I got up slowly and walked over to the window. The forest was dark behind the glass, very uninviting. I glanced at the sky to see the moon, but it was still too early for that, and the sky was covered with the clouds again. The moon always seemed to calm me down - I wondered the reason behind it.

Without the night we wouldn't see the moon, I realised. And the moon needed the sun to be able to shine.

"I should head back to the hospital," I said. My shift wouldn't begin just yet, but I suddenly felt the urge to see Bella and make sure that she was alright.

Jasper and Alice stood up. Alice was about to give me a hug, but then she frowned at my clothes.

"Carlisle, where have you been crawling?" she exclaimed. "You've got pine needles and crumbs of sand on your pants. And look at that stain!"

I exchanged glances with Jasper as Alice crouched down to my ankles and tried to scrape the stain away.

"It's her way to deal with the stress. With everything," Jasper said, and I chuckled. Alice's snort was heard from the floor level.

"Alice, don't bother," I attempted to calm her. "I was going to change anyway."

"Well what are you waiting for, go on. You're not getting any younger." Her tone was sharp but I knew that she wasn't seriously angry with me.

I went upstairs into my bedroom, finding a pair of black pants and a pale blue button-down shirt. I hadn't had the chance or the will to unpack yet; everything was still in boxes.

I descended the staircase, seeing Alice standing next to the eastern wall, swiping her fingers against the wallpaper. She definitely had something in her mind.

She pranced across the room to stand before me.

"Tomorrow then? Promise me." Alice's eyes were fierce.

"Of course, Alice. My nightshift ends at six in the morning but the next one starts in the afternoon. We'll go together then, if Bella is up to it."

She looked satisfied with my answer, and suddenly her eyes went blank, the look in her gaze absent; a vision. Maybe she was checking if I kept my promise. As if I could ever lie to her.

After a second or two, she blinked. She looked at me and said,

"You better go. Bella is not feeling well."

I must have looked extremely alarmed because she started reassuring me.

"It's okay, she's just feeling sick," she reassured. "Probably the concussion. Send her my best."

I had to take a deep breath to calm myself; I had been expecting the nausea. It shouldn't have surprised me.

"Alright then. I'll see you in the morning. Jasper, don't let her tear down that wall," I requested. "Or any other walls for that matter."

Jasper chuckled.

"I'll keep an eye on her and make sure that she doesn't get carried away," he promised.

"Good luck with that."

"Night, Carlisle."

I stepped out into the dark evening, glancing at the sky. It was still overcast. No stars or the moon for tonight.

I opened the door of my car, and I was about to get in but then I glanced back at the house.

The lights were lit, and a group of candles were adorning the window sills. Alice's quiet grumbling reverberated from the walls as she complained about the lack of firewood. I heard Jasper promising to get some from the forest.

And I realised that for the first time in months, I would be able to return home that wouldn't be empty and hollow, and now I had family members waiting for my return.

The thought warmed my cold heart. And I decided that I wanted Bella to be a part of my home, for it wouldn't be complete if she were absent.

* * *

I was listening carefully as I walked through the hallway. From dozens of heartbeats I wanted to hear only one in particular at the moment.

Soon I found what I wanted to hear; her pulse was accelerated but steady. I passed nine more rooms, took twenty-three more steps and then I was at her door.

I opened it quietly in case she was asleep, and stepped inside.

The nurse was sitting in the chair, reading a newspaper. She lifted her gaze as she heard me entering, lifting a finger to her lips and pointing at Bella.

"Evening, Sally," I whispered. She stood up and gave me a reassuring smile. "How's she been?"

"Good evening, my dear," she responded. "You're early. But I'm glad that you are. She started throwing up an hour ago but otherwise she's been fine - even walked around a bit. She fell asleep a few minutes ago. Refused to eat anything." Sally pursed her lips disapprovingly.

I nodded. "The nausea was to be expected. I can take over now," I offered. "You're free to go and get some sleep. I'm sure it's been a long day for you."

She just laughed silently. "I wouldn't have it any other way."

Her comment made me smile; she truly was in the right job.

She bid me goodnight and left, and I took her place, sitting in the chair next to the bed.

Bella was curled up on her side, her face pale and a light sheen of sweat glistening on her forehead. I hoped that the night wouldn't be too hard for her.

I wondered what her reaction would be when she found out that Alice was in the same town and would be visiting her soon. I hoped that she could talk to Alice about the things that were burdening her mind, if she felt that she didn't want to talk to me. She had been alone for so long - I couldn't even imagine what it had been like for her when at first we had left her, and after that her father had died. And after that her mother and even Phil... And then finding out that she had leukemia, and didn't have much time to live...

I knew how it felt to lose a loved one. But I'd had other people around me to give me support, and I always had the chance to talk to someone. I had never been truly alone.

But Bella had been. She'd had to go through it all by herself. It was no wonder that she was so withdrawn, afraid to show her emotions.

Sometimes life simply wasn't fair.

I stared at the clock until it was time to wake her up. Then I stood up and gently shook her shoulder.

"Bella," I whispered. "Bella, wake up."

She mumbled something incoherent.

"Bella, open your eyes for me, please."

Her eyelids twitched a bit. Then she moaned and covered her eyes with her palms.

I quickly turned the table lamp to face the other way. Her eyes were still sensitive to the light.

"Bella." I shook her shoulder again and touched her cheek with my cold fingers.

That did it; she frowned and opened her eyes.

"Bella, tell me what month it is," I requested, wanting to hear her say something sane to be able to asses how badly the concussion had affected her.

"How the hell should I know," she grumbled, her voice was so rigorous that for a moment she sounded almost healthy.

I had to laugh a bit at her brisk tone, earning a glare from her.

"It's December," she muttered.

"Do you have any problems with your vision, besides the light-sensitivity?"

She shook her head.

"Any nausea?"

"No."

I was satisfied, relief flooding over me because it seemed that her falling down hadn't caused any permanent damage.

"Are you hungry or thirsty? You should try to eat something."

She shook her head at my words. I would have rather seen her get something into her system. She would get too weak if she didn't eat.

"Go to sleep then," I suggested, pulling the covers over her shoulders so that she wouldn't be cold.

She looked very tired. With her last strength, she was able to open her mouth and ask, "Did you call Alice?"

"No."

She frowned, and I noted the slight disappointment in her eyes. At least she was looking forward to seeing Alice.

"Alice was one step ahead of me," I explained quietly. "When I got home this evening, she was already waiting for me there with Jasper. She's probably tearing down my house as we speak. I don't think she liked the decor." _Or the lack of it._

Bella chuckled quietly. "So she wants to see me?" There was doubt in her eyes and voice.

"Of course she wants to see you. She would have come tonight already, but I said that you need to rest. It was fortunate that I didn't have to tie her on the porch or anything."

Bella smiled lightly, her eyelids drooping.

"Go to sleep now."

But only the empty walls had heard my request. She had already fallen asleep.

The beginning of the night passed slowly and calmly. When I was sure that Bella was fast asleep, I got up and checked the other patients on my department. Two nurses were also on their night shifts, so I didn't have much to do.

It was one AM when I decided to wake Bella up again and ensure her state. I shook her shoulder gently and called out her name.

The answer I received was a frown accompanied with a grimace.

"Bella," I said quietly.

She whimpered, her skin taking a paler shade.

I took my penlight and lifted her eyelids, one at the time. The pupils were't large and reacted well to the light, making me sigh in relief.

Her heart rate accelerated and she squirmed. Then she opened her eyes and bolted up into a sitting position.

"Bella?" I asked. "Are you not feeling well?"

Her breathing was coming in gasps and she shook her head, frowning. I pulled a small basin from the drawer just in time when she started retching. I kept her hair out of the way until she was done and the spasms ceased. That didn't take long, because her stomach was empty for her lack of eating.

I put the basin into the trash and turned to Bella again. She was wiping her face with trembling hands, sweat mingling with tears. Her gasps turned into a sob.

I felt so bad for her; I wanted her to get better. "It's all right, Bella," I soothed, and instead of sitting in the chair, I sat on the edge of her bed.

She shook her head, trying to even out her breaths.

My cold hand sweeped her clammy forehead, and she closed her eyes, seeming to relax a bit. The cold must have felt good against her heated skin.

"Do you feel better?"

She opened her eyes reluctantly and nodded.

"Yeah."

I reached out for her watercup, offering it to her. She had to drink something.

"Drink a little bit of this," I persuated. "To keep hydrated."

She looked like she wanted to refuse, but took the cup anyway. Her hands were trembling so badly that I took the cup back, placing it on her lips.

"Just a little bit," I said, tipping the cup carefully.

She swallowed the meager water, shaking her head.

"No more," she rasped.

I decided not to push it, putting the cup away. Then I pushed her gently down on the pillows - I could see that she was exhausted. My heart ached for her.

"Does your head hurt?" I asked.

"No."

She closed her eyes, and was fast asleep after a few seconds.

The night went on quietly. Once again I left her room for a quick round. One of the patients was a small boy, only a two-year old. He'd gone through a complicated surgery the previous morning. The child was suffering from a particular heart disease which was quite common among young children. He had a hole in the wall separating the two lower chambers of the heart. It caused his heart and lungs to work too hard, and there was the risk that his lungs might have become congested.

The surgery had gone well and he had gotten a good prognosis; he would make a full recovery. The thought made me extremely pleased.

I peeked inside his room, looking at the brown-haired boy sleeping peacefully. He would have no idea how much his parents had worried about him.

Her mother had refused to leave his side, even when the doctors had assured her that she had no reason to worry about him. She was still sitting in the recliner chair, reading a magazine. It was almost morning already, and either she had woken up early or then she hadn't slept at all.

"Dr. Cullen," she greeted as she noticed when I stepped into the room.

"Good evening, Mrs. Davis. Or good morning," I corrected myself. "How is Tommy?" I queried. "Any problems?"

Mrs. Davis shook her head. "None what so ever, thank God for that." She glanced at her sleeping son, and her blue eyes glistened with worry. "How long until he wakes up? Is it normal that he's so still?" she asked worriedly.

"I'm sure that he wakes up sometime tomorrow, or the day after that. It's safer to keep him in a narcosis and give his body time to heal." It would be quite a challenge to keep the surgical wound closed when the patient was an active toddler.

Mrs. Davis was nodding her head, her gaze still glued to her only son. Her blonde hair was slightly disheveled.

"Maybe you should try to get some sleep, Mrs. Davis," I suggested. "If something goes wrong, which is extremely unlikely, the machines will react to it and the room will be swarming with doctors and nurses in a second. Your son is receiving the best care possible." I said this to reassure the stressed woman, being quite sure that the other doctors and nurses had told her the same as I. But she had obviously decided to stay awake and by his side; a mother's love to her child was something I would never stop admiring.

She gave me a small smile.

"I know that Dr. Cullen and I thank you for that," she responded with a tired smile. "It's just so very difficult to leave him without observation, though. I know that you are doing the best you can to make him better. And you already have. And it's not that I think that the doctors and the nurses are incompetent, on the contrary. Everyone keeps telling me to go home and go to work and so on, but every time I leave I feel like... It feels wrong. But when I'm here, by his side, and I get so see that he's doing okay... It calms me more than anything." She looked a little sheepish after her outburst.

But she shouldn't have - she had just described every emotion I was going through every time I left Bella at the end of my shift.

"I know exactly how you feel, Mrs. Davis," I assured. "And don't feel bad about it. Stay by his side as long as you wish, but do not neglet yourself."

She seemed a little surprised by my comment, but then nodded and gave me a little smile.

"I'll come see him later today," I promised. "Good night Mrs. Davis."

"Good night, Dr. Cullen. Or good morning."

I chuckled as I stepped out to the hallway, continuing my round until I had checked every room and made sure that everything was in order.

Then I made my way back to Bella's room, meaning to wake her up one more time before I had to leave.

But for my surprise, she was already awake and sitting up on her bed. Had she been sick again? I studied her carefully through the corridor window before going in.

Her face was as pale as the snow outside, and she had dark circles under her eyes. Her cheeks had sunken in a bit more than usual; I had to do something about her undernourishment before she grew too weak.

She was looking at that wall again, the same empty wall that she was always staring at when she was deep in thought. She looked so frail, so broken.

_Broken._

She was in pieces. What would I do if I couldn't assemble them and make her whole again? Would she even let me try?

It made me afraid.

Bella must have sensed my intense gaze, because she suddenly turned her head towards the window. I went quickly to the door and opened it.

"You're awake," I said as I stepped inside. "How are you feeling?"

"Good," she said. She would say that even if someone was burning her on a stake or cutting her arm off - it took a lot for her to start complaining.

"Have you been awake for a long time?" I asked. "I'm sorry that I wasn't here, I had to check up on the other patients," I apologized.

For a moment she looked rueful, but then the expression disappeared and a sudden coolness stepped into its place. I found myself resentful of that expression.

"It's okay," she said coolly. "You don't have to pamper me all the time."

Silence fell between us as I tried not to take her comment as an offense. I knew that she was frustrated with her condition, and that caused her to have a short temper. She had been through a lot.

Her words echoed in the silence for a few moments. Then she looked apologetic, realising that her comment may have hurt my feelings.

She inhaled deeply and looked at me. "I'm sorry, Carlisle. I didn't mean to... It's not like I don't..." She balled her hands into fists, struggling with her words.

"It's alright, Bella. You haven't insulted me." I stepped next to her bed and sat in the chair.

"It's not alright," she disagreed. "You've wasted a lot of time taking care of me and it's not right that I'm snapping at you like that." She fell silent, and I repeated her sentence in my mind.

She thought that this was all waste of time. It surprised me how much her words hurt - she couldn't give up on herself.

"I appreciate everything you've done for me," she continued quietly.

"Bella, stop. I understand that you're frustrated and exhausted, and you have the right to be a little crusty," I justified. "You haven't offended me. All is well."

She seemed to have something else to say, but then decided to let it be. Her face grew somber again.

I unwrapped a cereal bar the nurse had left earlier, holding it out to Bella.

"Eat this. You need energy," I persuaded.

She looked repulsed and shook her head. "I'm not hungry," she insisted.

"I know you are not, but you need to eat something. Just a little bite," I tried to convince.

"No."

A sigh escaped my mouth. "Don't force me to insert a nasogastric tube in you. You know it's not pleasant."

The thought of the tube made her reconsider, and eventually she took the bar. She took a small bite and grimaced, chewing slowly and swallowing. The action was so mechanical that it was like watching a vampire trying to eat.

"Are you happy now?" she mumbled.

"Not quite," I said and pointed at the bar, insinuating that she should eat more.

Sighing, she gave up.

I made sure that she had eaten everything, and then I offered her some water. She took it gladly, for once.

"How's your stomach?"

"Better. But I'm sure the good feeling will pass pretty soon," she remarked.

She'd have the cytostatic treatment again in the morning. My second shift wouldn't begin until the afternoon, and I felt bad that I wouldn't be here at the time. Maybe I should switch shifts with someone...

"My current shift ends at - " I turned to the clock. It was already past six; the time had flown.

"Well, it ended at six and the next one doesn't begin until the afternoon," I narrated. "I could switch shifts with someone, if you want me to - ," She started shaking her head even before I'd finished my sentence.

"You don't have to, Carlisle. I'll be fine. The nurses have done the treatment before and they managed to do it without killing me," she quipped. "Don't bother switching shifts with anyone." She had set her jaw, and I'd learned that when she looked like that, it would be difficult to change her mind. And I didn't want to argue with her. I remembered what she had said earlier about pampering her.

"Alright," I consented. "I suggest that you get some sleep. I'll better go and see if there's anything left of my house." Maybe it wasn't a good idea to leave Alice at the house after all. I trusted her taste, but sometimes it could be really hard to rein her in. And she had a propensity to exaggerate.

Bella was smiling wryly at the image of Alice decorating the house as I stood up.

"Would it be alright if she came today to see you?" I asked cautiously.

She raised her eyebrows, and I tried to interpret her expression. It was difficult.

"Yeah, I guess. It'd be nice."

Her answer was short, but I guess it was better than a simple 'no' or 'yes'.

"Alright. I'll see you later, then."

I walked to the door and opened it, but before walking out, I turned toward the pale girl sitting on the bed.

She seemed ruminative, maybe even worried. I wondered if bringing Alice here was a good idea after all. But I couldn't know the result of their reunion for sure, and I only hoped that Alice did. I waved my hand at Bella, and she lifted hers as a farewell.

I closed the door behind me, and wondered what the upcoming day would bring.


	19. Chapter 19: Drift

_**I feel time like a heartbeat, **_

_**the seconds pumping in my breast like a reckoning. **_

_**The numinous mysteries that once seemed so distant and unreal, threatening clarity in the presence of a truth entertained not in youth, but only in its passage. **_

_**I feel these words as if their meaning were weight being lifted from me, knowing that you will read them and share my burden, **_

_**as I have come to trust no other. **_

_**That you should know my heart, look into it, **_

_**finding there the memory and experience that belong to you, **_

_**that are you,**_

_**is a comfort to me now **_

_**as I feel the tethers loose and the prospects darken **_

_**for the continuance of a journey that began not so long ago, **_

_**and which began again with a faith shakened **_

_**and strengthened by your convictions. **_

_**If not for which I might never have been so strong now **_

_**as I cross to face you and look at you incomplete, **_

_**hoping that you will forgive me **_

_**for not making the rest of the journey with you. **_

-Dana Scully, _The X-Files_-

* * *

**Drift**

BPOV

The sun was caressing my skin.

I sighed happily. The bright light was penetrating through my eyelids, but it didn't feel uncomfortable like I expected. It didn't cause any ache in my head as the light normally did, especially after my recent concussion.

_The concussion. _

I lifted my hand and touched my temple, where I should have felt the wound and the sticking plaster covering it. But I felt neither. That's odd. Maybe the wound was on the other side, and I'd forgotten it.

I probed my other temple with my warm fingers. The skin was smooth and flawless, like the other side had been.

Curious.

I didn't bother to think about that anymore; it felt so good just to lie in here, outside in the sunlight and draw fresh air into my tired lungs... I idly wondered why Carlisle had let me out of the hospital. He was usually so worried that I would catch a cold or something.

But getting sick was unlikely in this place. It was so safe and warm, and it was impossible to think that any bad repercussions would occur while being here.

I opened my eyes.

The sun was shining directly above me. I watched it for a moment, savoring the the view. The sky around it was bright blue, the purest blue I had ever seen in my life.

After a moment I sat up, and looked around me.

This was a familiar place - I had been here before. The field hadn't chaged a bit, and I ate with my eyes the beauty of it. Although eating was a mild concept. I devoured it, more likely. And I would never be sated, because there would be always more to see, and every time I blinked, I would miss something.

I didn't want to blink. I wanted to see _everything._

There were hundreds of flowers; it would take a lifetime to count all the species; violets, roses, lilies, knapweeds, bluebells... you named it, and it was here.

I looked around and searched with my eyes one thing in particular. There was something I needed to find.

But the sandy-haired girl was nowhere in sight. Maybe she was still blowing bubbles? Maybe she was still there, in the same place where I'd left her. I should go take a look...

I stood up and sprinted across the field. Running felt good; it was effortless and delightful. This is how running should feel like; I didn't want to stop.

But soon I reached the place where the little girl had been sitting and blowing bubbles with me with a blue straw.

But the girl was nowhere to be seen. She had vanished, gone with the wind. Like everyone else in my life.

And it saddened me.

I started wandering, without any direction, without any goal. My gaze had fallen onto the ground with all my hopes. I didn't watch where I was going, and I don't know how long I walked. I could get lost in this strange place, but I couldn't bring myself to care.

Suddenly I was no longer on the field, but in a grove of some sort. The sunlight had dimmed, and a green glow had stepped into it's place.

I looked behind me. Between the tree branches, I could see the field and the light that was filtering from there. I didn't want to go back on that empty field; because that was all that it was for me now; an empty field. It needed that little girl to be complete - otherwise it had no meaning.

I looked ahead. The grove didn't seem frightening or dangerous, but it exuded the secrets and mysteries around it. I could hear it's whispers calling out to me. Suddenly I wished that someone was here with me; that I didn't have to go deeper all alone. Someone who was brave and strong, and who would keep me safe if something went wrong.

But I had never been so alone in my entire life.

I glanced over my shoulder again, noting that the field was still there. I could turn back and return there if I felt like it. The thought gave me courage, and I lifted my chin, taking one step ahead.

The whispers were louder now. It was either a foreign language, or then the words were tangled up together so I had no chance comprehending them. I moved on.

The ground was cooler under my feet now, more coarse. I hadn't realised that I was barefoot.

Among the whispers I could hear a ripple of water. The little girl's words from my previous encounter suddenly came back to me.

_"You do know the springs, do you?"_

Would I finally be able to see the springs?

I took three more steps. The whispers wore off, but the ripple didn't.

Then I heard the laughter. I hadn't realised how much I had needed to hear it. The air gushed out of my lungs, relief washing over me.

The sandy haired girl appeared from the greenery. Or maybe she had been there all the time; she seemed to blend in the scenery. She belonged to it.

She was running towards me, and she was smiling and laughing; and I was surprised to realise that she was happy to see me, too.

She had lifted her arms in the air as if she was about to give me a huge hug. But then she stopped a few paces away from me.

"Isabella, come on!" she chimed. "You're almost there, just a few more steps!"

My smile turned into a frown as I tried to lift my foot to take the next step. But I couldn't move it: it was like I was paralyzed. I struggled really hard to move myself, but it was utterly impossible. My legs were heavy, like someone had chained a pair of iron weights around my ankles.

"Isabella! It won't be long anymore, you can do it!"

I wanted to, so bad. But I was glued to where I stood.

"Help me," I pleaded, looking at the girl with despair.

"Only you can take the next step, Isabella. I can't help you." Her voice was calming. There was an authority in it, but it still hadn't lost the gentle tone.

"Isabella..." she wheedled. "Isabella..."

_"Isabella... Isabella..."_

"Isabella!"

I started violently and gasped. The greenery was gone, and so was the little girl. I couldn't feel the cool ground under my feet anymore; the sky had turned grey white.

I was in the hospital.

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to startle you, Isabella." Nurse Owens's voice penetrated my thoughts. She was standing next to my bed, looking worried.

"You were kicking with your legs and seemed anxious. Do you feel ill?"

I had gone through the cytotoxin therapy this morning. The nausea hadn't appeared yet, but I was sure it was only a matter of time.

Nurse Owens was still staring at me, and I realised that she had asked me a question.

"No, I'm okay. It's just the dream I had," I breathed.

She nodded, and gave me a little smile.

"I know what you're talking about," she blabbered. "Sometimes nightmares are awful. Last night I had a dream that a bear was chasing me, and then I woke up and realised that I stood in my kitchen. Sleepwalking can get quite annoying. This one time..."

I let the middle-aged nurse waffle on, nodding and smiling every now and then and pretending that I was listening. I didn't tell her that it wasn't a nightmare I'd had. Well, it almost had turned into one before I woke up.

Why was I dreaming about this girl? It was getting annoying. I frowned, drowning in my thoughts.

"... Anyway, you should try to eat something. The doctor will be here in a couple of hours and he won't be pleased if you haven't been able to eat anything. I'll go get you something easy to digest."

Nurse Owens left the room, her steps energetic and the graying brown ponytail bouncing as she moved.

I tried to gather enough energy to survive the eating-process. I had no appetite.

Alice would be coming today, I realised. I wasn't sure how I felt about it; I did miss her a lot, but I was afraid of cracking when I would finally see her. At times I wanted to be angry at someone, I wanted to rage and scream and...

But Alice wouldn't deserve my wrath. It wasn't her fault that everything had gone to hell.

Nurse Owens rolled back into my room, carrying a juice box and a jar of yoghurt in her hands. She had a determined look on her face, as if she had decided to make me eat even if it meant forcing the food down my throat. I knew she meant well. But again I felt like she should be investing her valuable time to someone else. Someone who wasn't a terminal case like me.

I pushed myself up and grimaced, taking a deep breath as I waited for the dizziness to pass.

"Here we go now," Nurse Owens said, placing the small plastic jar into my hand.

Just a few mouthfuls. I could do it.

I tasted a little bit of the yoghurt; it was too sour. If I had been hungry, it would have probably tasted better.

Nurse Owens observed me intently as I ate a few mouthfuls without any major problems. I managed to eat half of it, and I thought it was a pretty good performance. Eventually I shook my head, and gave her back the half-eaten yoghurt.

"This is enough, thank you," I stated. "If I eat any more I can't keep it down." It was the truth.

Maybe I had turned green or something, because the nurse didn't push it. I guess she had no wish to start mopping the floor.

"Alright. It's good that you were able to eat even a little. You'll need your energy."

Why did everyone keep saying that? Where would I need any energy? Was the death easier when my stomach was full?

I bit my lip so that I wouldn't say anything insulting. Nurse Owens waved the juice box in front of my nose, and I sighed. I might as well drink a little bit. It was the only way to be left alone, and get everyone off my hair.

After taking a few gulps of the juice, Nurse Owens seemed finally satisfied.

"Would you like to go to the shower or would you rather leave it until tomorrow?" she asked.

I pondered the thought, thinking that I could take a quick shower. The thought of the hot water made me crave warmth. And I wasn't sure what kind of shape I would be in tomorrow - who knew if I could be able to take a shower. Stupid treatment.

"I guess now would be good," I expressed.

I didn't need a lot of help walking in the bathroom. As long as the dizziness didn't get too bad, I would be okay.

After a moment I stepped under the hot spray. Nurse Owens gave me a little privacy by drawing the curtain from the wall, but she didn't leave the bathroom, staying on the other side of the curtain ready to step forward if I needed help.

I tied my hair up because I had no intention of washing it today. It felt quite clean and I had no wish to start detangling it for the millionth time this week.

I closed my eyes as the hot water washed over me. The feeling was almost as pleasant as the warm sun had been in my dream.

Nurse Owens started humming something on the other side. It sounded like a lullaby. The mirror squeaked when she wiped it clean briskly. Then I heard her arranging the objects on the sink.

Her voice resonated from the bathroom walls, and combined with the flowing water, it could have been a mermaid crooning on the other side of the curtain.

Mermaid Owens.

I snorted quietly, deciding that I was definitely too tired.

I kept my eyes closed and focused on her humming again, realising that it was a pleasant sound. I wondered if she had sung that lullaby to her own kids. Or did she even have children? I didn't know. I had never bothered to ask.

I didn't feel like wasting more water so I turned the tap closed. Nurse Owens heard it, and came to wrap a towel around me. I was already shivering and my teeth chattered loudly.

"Oh poor girl," she muttered, and at first I thought that she was sorry that I was freezing. But then I saw her looking at my legs, and I bent my head so I could see what she was staring at.

My legs were bruised, from my ankles all the way to the mid-thigh. But the knees had taken the worst blow. The colors of blue and purple looked disgustingly unhealthy on my pale white skin. The view wasn't new to me - I had a lot of bruises, even if I hadn't fallen down. The doctor had said that it had something to do with the low amount of platelets in the blood or something.

"I fell down yesterday," I explained to the nurse.

"Yes," she pronounced. "I heard about your little adventure."

I could have gotten annoyed about her comment, but I suddenly found no strength. I remained silent and gave her a shrug.

Nurse Owens helped me to get dressed, and it was a pure torment; my limbs ached and I was out of breath after a moment of twisting and tugging. She had to walk me back to my bed.

My head hit the pillow but it felt oddly uncomfortable. Then I remembered the loose hairbun I had made earlier on the back of my head. Groaning, I lifted my head and tore the band out of my hair.

My eyes were already closed, and I was only half awake when I asked what the time was. Whatever the nurse answered, I didn't hear.

I was vaguely aware of her warm fingers taking the hairband out of my hand.

* * *

Something was making the bed shudder.

Would someone stop that and make the shaking go away? I wanted to sleep. I was so tired.

Something wet was trickling down my forehead, and I frowned, opening my eyes a bit.

The room was dim and hazy, and I could barely see the golden-haired figure leaning over me. I tried to see his eyes but his face was suddenly swallowed by the blackness. My eyes couldn't stay open, and my ears started ringing.

The earlier shaking that I had felt, intensified.

Then I realised that no one was actually shaking the bed. _I_ was the one who was shuddering_ in_ it. A groan escaped my lips, and my stomach twisted.

The matress sank next to me. That made me open my eyes again.

The golden-haired angel had lowered himself next to me. He was looking at me, worried, and his face was worn, like he had been in pain himself.

An angel shouldn't look so woeful.

"How are you?" he queried quitely. A cold hand swiped the sweat from my cheek. His hand lingered, probed the pulse under my jaw.

It took a while for me to gather enough oxygen into my lungs to submit an answer.

"Glorious. How are you?"

I couldn't be overly sick if I had managed to conjure up a sarcastic comment like that.

A corner of his mouth twisted a bit, but I couldn't call it a smile. Maybe he thought that I wasn't being funny.

"Do you think you could sit up? You have to drink something."

The notion of sitting up felt insurmountably difficult. Did I really have to? I wasn't even thirsty.

Just as an objection, a bead of sweat trickled down my neck, and I realised I was probably dehydrated already.

Carlisle sensed my reluctance. "It'll make you feel better," he assured. He leaned towards me and I realised that he had slipped his arm behind my shoulders. Before I knew it I was sitting up.

I saw him reaching out for my watercup that sat on the table; someone had put a blue straw in it. It made me chuckle joylessly, as it brought the little girl with soap bubbles into my mind.

Carlisle frowned as he tried to link together my chuckle and the watercup he was holding. But he wouldn't know about my dream; I hadn't told anyone about that.

"What amuses you so?" he wanted to know.

Before I was able to stop myself, I'd started mumbling. "It's the same straw, even the same color..." I snapped my mouth shut. He shouldn't ask any questions while I was still woozy - he'd think that I've gone bananas.

Too late.

He was now seriously frowning, looking confused. Maybe he thought that this was some after-effect of my concussion. And before he even opened his mouth, I knew what he was going to ask.

"Do you feel well? Does your head hurt?"

The truth was that everything hurt at the moment. But I didn't say it out loud, because I didn't want him to think that I had a brain damage of some sort.

So I shook my head. "Forget what I said. I wasn't completely awake," I claimed.

This seemed an obvious explanation also for him, so he dropped the subject and offered me the water. But I could see him throwing a suspicious look at my direction.

I took a few small sips from the water; it tasted stale. I pushed the cup back to Carlisle. My eyes were burning and I squeezed them shut, wondering what the time was. It felt like night.

I checked the clock; six thirty. Had I been sleeping the whole afternoon? Or was it morning already?

Carlisle saw me frowning at the clock. "It's six thirty in the evening, in case you're wondering," he hummed with his tenor.

I bobbed my head. It hurt a bit and I grimaced. "I thought so. I have no sense of time anymore, since I can't see outside."

He smiled sympathetically and stood up, his cool hands grabbing my shoulders as he pushed me down.

Suddenly I remembered.

"Alice!" I exlaimed. "Did I miss her visit while I was asleep?"

Carlisle shook his head and sat down again on the edge of my bed.

"She's waiting down the hall in case you're up to seeing her. But I don't think it's a very good idea right now. The therapy wore you out, and I think we should reschedule. Give it a few days."

Disappointment flared in me. I was still a little reserved about seeing Alice again, but it didn't mean that I absolutely didn't want to see her.

"But... she's been waiting like the whole afternoon. Only to hear that she should turn back - it's not nice." My defense sounded weak even in my own ears.

"She will understand," Carlisle said. "Your health is the top priority. I don't want anything to agitate you." His voice was strict and very doctor-like, causing me to frown at him.

"I won't get agitated, then. I want to see Alice." My voice was persuasive, convincing. But who was I trying to convince, Carlisle or myself?

His golden eyes were searching mine, trying to see the truth behind my words, and assessing my condition. He hesitated. I _was_ a little afraid to see Alice; I didn't know how it would feel. But I had decided that I needed to see her. I didn't care how much it scared me.

"Please," I whispered.

My desperation made him hesitate even more. Did he sense my sadness, my fear? Did he know that this would probably be one of those last times when I had the chance to see my former best friend?

Carlisle was still struggling, and I hated making him so unsure, to make him choose what was the best for me. Eventually he gave a small nod.

"Only a short moment," he promised. He looked at me, giving me a chance to back out, but I had made my decision. I would see Alice. Carlisle saw the determination in my eyes. He disappeared from my eyesight, walking to the door.

I closed my eyes, taking a deep breath. My heart was surprisingly calm; I felt like it should be pounding really fast, racing out of my chest. I was nervous.

After a moment I heard Carlisle's footsteps nearing. And there were another sound of steps, only lighter and more graceful. I tried to lift my head, to turn so I could see her.

And I did.

She was exactly the same; her pale skin shone in the dim lighting. Her hair was spiky and short, blacker than charcoal. The golden eyes, the red lips... It was the eyes that caught my attention. She was looking at me intently, and I expected to see horror in her eyes; pity and shock. I knew that I looked very sick.

But none of those feelings were visible in her eyes. The only emotions to be seen were joy and happiness, plain and bare. Her lips formed my name.

"Bella."

And my lips formed hers. It was familiar, safe.

"Alice."

She stepped closer, took my cold hand in her own even colder one. She looked cautious, as if asking for my permission. I gave her hand a squeeze, and she smiled widely.

"It's so good to see you Bella. You have no idea how much I've missed you." Her voice was wavering, and suddenly she seemed delicate; shattered. It wasn't like Alice at all. Was she truly so happy to see me again?

"I missed you too, Alice."

Her smile was now bright and mischievous; this was the Alice I knew better. She glanced at Carlisle who was standing in the background, giving us a little space. But he hadn't left the room; it was like he was guarding me, making sure that I was comfortable with the situation. It was unlikely that I needed to be protected because of Alice, but his gesture reminded me how much the responsibility of their leaving me all those years ago really weighed his shoulders.

As Alice glanced back at me, her eyes went suddenly blank; it was a familiar expression, and I wondered what she was seeing. After a second or two she blinked and turned to the door, waiting. Carlisle threw a questioning glance at her.

The door opened, and one of the nurses appeared. She apologized, asking if Carlisle could come and assist her with something.

He seemed reluctant to leave, and hesitated.

Our eyes met, and no words were needed; he wanted to know if it was alright for him to leave me alone with Alice. I gave him a small nod. It would probably be a little awkward at first to interact with Alice after so many years of separation, but it wouldn't kill me.

"I'll be back as soon as I can," he promised and left the room with the nurse.

Silence fell, and neither knew what to say; this was weird. Alice was still standing next to my bed, holding my hand. She avoided my gaze, revealing that she was uncomfortable, too.

Eventually I cleared my throat. "Could you help me to sit up?" I asked, since Carlisle was nowhere around to stop me. Alice looked at me hesitantly, studying me.

"Are you allowed to sit up?" she frowned. A thousand bells chimed in her voice.

I sighed. "Of course I am," I muttered as I started to push myself up by the elbows. Alice hurried to help me, still unsure.

When I was sitting, she also sat down on the edge of my bed, but not too close. She kept her distance, maybe fearing that she would insult me somehow.

The silence continued. Suddenly I hoped that Carlisle had stayed, that he would be here to break this ice. Bringing some comfort to the silence.

"Bella," Alice started. I looked at her.

She looked so woeful and regretful that immediately I found myself wanting to ask her what was wrong - how could I fix it. She turned her golden eyes at me.

"Bella, I don't know how to begin. There's so much you need to know, so much I want to say. But I would like to start with an apology."

I waited silently. Alice seemed to be afraid to touch me, and her fingers were twiddling and bending as if she wanted to grab me into a tight embrace, but she controlled herself. She didn't want to push it.

"I will never forgive myself that we left you that day," she began quietly but earnestly. "I wish I could turn back time and stop us from making such a bad mistake. But I can't," she whispered. "You have to know that I never wanted to leave, none of us wanted to. But... he thought that it best for you." She didn't say Edward's name aloud; not because she didn't want to upset me. I could see that thinking of him upset her. And how could it not; Edward had been her brother.

I probed my own feelings. Did I want to be angry at Alice? For all of them? Did I resent them for leaving me all those years ago? Taking away my chances, my future as their family member?

Edward's face hovered in my mind with a jolt of pain.

I had missed him. I had missed all of them. I had lost a family that I thought I belonged to. And they had left me.

And then my parents had left me.

I gritted my teeth together, suppressing all the emotions that were about to surface. Burying the sorrow, burying the pain - I couldn't be weak.

"Can you ever forgive me?"

Alice's voice was a mere whisper, desperate and pleading. But it was nothing compared to her eyes; they were swimming with tears she could not shed. It was the same sorrow Carlisle was suffering from, the same guilt. The same golden eyes.

I couldn't hate her. And I couldn't hate Carlisle, either. How could I?

I grasped at her hand and held it tight. "There's nothing to forgive. It is I who should apologize."

She shook her head, black spikes of hair twirling in the air.

"Don't even start with that, Bella." She held my gaze strenly, causing me to look away. I was right, after all. I was the reason they had left, and I was the reason Edward and Esme never would never come back. How couldn't they see that?

I took a deep breath. "How's Jasper?" I asked to get something else to think about. The guilt was gnawing me, eating away my mask piece by piece.

Alice's doleful expression changed to fondness as he thought of her life companion. "He's alright," she said. "He's still healing, as we all are." Her eyes looked at me strictly, as if she was saying, _Don't you dare feel guilty._ "I left him to paint the walls. He told me to say hello. You should see the house Carlisle's got. It would look so amazing, if he had actually bothered to furnish it. But no, he's done nothing," Alice reproached. "I don't know how he can take it!" Her tone was stunned, like the very thought of living in a house without bothering to decorate was something so foolish that she couldn't understand it.

"I'm sure you're having a good time while turning the place upside down," I teased. Alice gave me an annoyed glance.

Suddenly we were Alice and Bella. Bella and Alice. Those same two persons who were fighting over a blouse I should wear for school. The years were erased between us, and for a moment it felt like she never left.

She felt it too, and we smiled.

The moment was over a few seconds later as a wave of nausea sweeped over me. I gasped and closed my eyes, waiting for the bad feeling in my stomach to go away.

"Bella?" Alices voice was alarmed and worried. I felt her cool touch on my shoulder.

"It's okay," I breathed. "Just feeling a little sick, that's all."

"I'll go get Carlisle - ,"

I shook my head. "No." Carlisle had enough things to worry about.

Alice's suggestion proved to be unnecessary, because a moment after the door opened as someone stepped in. A silky voice floated in the room.

"I'm sorry it took so long, there was child that had fallen down the stairs and..." Carlisle's voice faded away as he noticed that I had squeezed my eyes tightly shut.

He was by my side in a second. His hands were pushing me down onto the pillows, and it made me crack my eyes open.

"It's okay, I just feel a little nauseous," I explained. "There's nothing new about it."

Alice had jumped up from the bed and she was now standing behind Carlisle, looking sorrowful, as if she was the cause of the situation. I gave her a small smile. The nausea was passing.

The bed tipped a bit as Carlisle sat onto it, and wiped the beads of sweat off my forehead. I could see Alice's eyes darting between us, a peculiar expression on her face.

"Maybe this is enough for today," Carlisle decided. "You need your rest, Bella." Alice was nodding, still looking a little guilty.

"I'll see you again soon, Bella," Alice promised as she prepared to leave. I didn't know if we would. Which is why I looked at her closely, as if trying to memorize her.

"Tell Jasper I said hi," I whispered. Alice reached out to touch my arm. Then she turned around and disappeared.

Alice's visit had been so short that it took a moment for me to realise that it was already over.

Carlisle turned to me, searching my eyes; searching my feelings. Could he see the saddness in my gaze?

"How did it go?" he asked. "Should I have not brought her here?" He looked worried, afraid that he had made a bad mistake. I shook my head.

"No, it went well. It was good to see her," I whispered. I looked at him, expected to see the relief on his face. But I only saw worry, a fear of losing. His golden eyes burned, and it scorched me. I though I saw his lower lip wavering.

His hand raised suddenly and he wiped his eyes and forehead, as if trying to get rid of all the feelings. His gaze fell to the ground and he looked... older. Broken.

Had I caused him that?

"Are you okay?" I didn't know what else to ask or say; I didn't want him to be so distressed. He didn't deserve it.

He gave me a small smile and patted my shoulder. "I am well if you are," he whispered. His gaze was intense and firm, and I realised that he really meant it.

"I am. Try not to worry, Carlisle."

My eyes were closing again; I was tired. I could feel Carlisle pulling the covers over me.

And then I was drifting, as the world slipped further away. Before the dreams captured me, my nostrils were filled with a wonderful aroma.

I couldn't describe the smell as accurately as I wanted to, but it was familiar. Musk, wood, linen...

Something smooth and cool touched my forehead, and I was asleep.

* * *

**A/N:** Hello all!

This chapter was a challenging one to write; I wanted the interaction between Alice and Bella be as natural as possible. I tried to keep in mind that before leaving Forks Alice and Bella were very good friends. But it's bound to be a little uncomfortable for them seeing each other again.

Thank you again for your reviews; I read every single one of them. Many of you have wondered about Rosalie and Emmett; will they be brought to the story, how Rosalie is coping with the death of Esme and Edward and how does she feel about Bella. My intention is to bring Emmett and Rosalie into the story; it'll happen sooner or later. It's no good story without Emmett messing around! :)

I'm currently working on chapter 20, and let me just say that I can't wait to post it :) My pace might slow down after chapter 20; the next week will be a busy one for me. But I won't leave you hanging longer than a few days and I'll post chapter 21 as soon as I get it done.

Have a good day!


	20. Chapter 20: Tears

_**Stephenie Meyer owns Twilight :)**_

* * *

"_**Is there no hope, then?" Carlisle whispered. **_

_**There was no fear in his voice. **_

_**Just determination and acceptance.**_

"_**There is absolutely hope," I murmured back. **_

_**It could be true, I told myself. **_

_**"I only know my own fate."**_

-Carlisle and Bella, _Breaking Dawn _-

* * *

**Tears**

BPOV

The blood pressure cuff was tight around my arm.

It wringed and tautened, the squeeze continuing until I could feel my own fast pulse throbbing inside the dark material of the cuff. It sickened me.

Carlisle verified the reading from the indicator and wrote something down on his charts. He got up from the stool and removed the cuff, then pulled a stethoscope in his hands. After inserting the headset into its place, he slid the cold chest piece against my bare back. It made me shiver.

This was a normal routine, repeated time after time after time. Week after week. As if something would change.

When he was done listening to my heart and lungs, he put the stethoscope away and laced the back of my gown closed, his nimble and cold fingers brushing against my bare skin. I shivered again.

The cool digits started probing my neck and throat, looking for the signs of swelling. When he found none, he again bent over to write something onto the paper.

"I want to stop the treatments."

My voice was calm as it pierced the silent room. There was no hesitation to be heard; it was only a cold statement of acceptance that I should have said aloud a long time ago. To spare myself from the misery, and to spare Carlisle from it. I had so much regret - I was bitter that I had let this suffering go on for so long.

Carlisle had stopped writing.

I didn't look at him; I didn't want to see his disappointed and guilty expression.

My words rang in the room. They resonated from the walls, taunting and whispering. The silence was grinding, until another sound disrupted it - I heard something snap.

I glanced at Carlisle's direction.

The ballpoint pen in his fingers was crushed in two; the black ink leaked and stained the surface of Carlisle's pale hand and fingers. The sound of the dripping liquid filled the room as the ink oozed on the papers, spreading, staining. Like I had stained everything and everyone who had made the mistake to be in my life.

His face revealed no emotions as he walked over to the trash can, dropping the pieces of the pen in it. Then he pulled himself a tissue from the table, and attempted unsuccesfully to rub the mess away from his hand.

The tissue flew to the trash.

Then he walked over to me, with very slow and measured steps, and sat on the edge of the bed next to me. His eyes pierced me, and there was only one question on his lips.

"Why?"

His voice was quiet, demanding. I held his gaze, trying to ignore the pain in his eyes. He looked like he was being burned alive.

"Why not?" I asked back. My own voice was still steady. Calm and emotionless. "I can't do this anymore. I'm not getting better. It's a waste of time; I'm dying." I stopped as his eyes flared and his body jerked, like I had hurt him physically. I hated myself for doing this to him.

He got a grip of himself quickly, his hand seeking mine and taking it in his own.

"It doesn't have to be that way, Bella," he whispered. His eyes were pleading, demanding. But for what?

"Yes it does," I insisted. "The doctors told me a long time ago. And I have no strength to fight anymore. I'm tired." He had to understand. And in order to make him understand, I had to hurt him. "I'm tired," I repeated, this time whispering.

"Bella, listen to me. There is a way, and you know it. You don't need to die."

His words echoed in the room. It was quiet again as I tried to understand what he tried to say.

As I watched his golden eyes, felt his cold hand that held on to mine - those two features that always reminded me of the fact that I was in a presence of someone who wasn't quite human - those two, simple things made me suddenly understand what he had been implying.

And it was like a red flag to a bull.

Suddenly his touch wasn't cold anymore. His hand in mine burned, and I wrenched myself from his grasp. My heart started pounding, the air escaped from my lungs and my teeth crunched as I gritted them together. Something snapped.

It wasn't like the snap I had heard when the pen was crushed in half. This snap was an explosion that echoed in my head and in my ears, circling and resonating. Something was stinging my palms; my nails dug into my delicate skin as my hands balled into fists. The surface of the skin broke, but I didn't care. I felt myself starting to tremble.

I had never been so angry in my entire life. How dared he!

"Get out," I managed to hiss between my teeth.

Through the redness of my vision, I could see Carlisle's face. His expression was appalled, a pure shock exuding from him. He tried to reach out for me, extending his arm. I recoiled, evaded him as far as I could.

"Bella - ," he started to say but I cut him off.

"Out! Right now! I don't need your pity!"

If my voice had been calm and steady before, it was now wavering with rage. One part of my hazy brain realised that I was shouting the words at him.

He winced like I had slapped him. Hard. He stood up slowly, abashed, and walked to the door.

Why did he have to move so slowly! The rage and anger was consuming me, making me gasp for a breath. Carlisle threw me one last grief-stricken look and walked out of the door. I reached out blindly for my bedside table, grasping whatever object my hand touched first, and threw it at the closed door.

It was my book. When it hit the door, it caused a satisfying thud.

The pulse of my heart was fast and loud in my ears, the rush of my blood almost managing to drown it. My gasps echoed in the empty room.

I was still trembling uncontrollably. I couldn't exactly decipher why I was so mad - I just was. All the anger and feelings of betrayal that I had hidden somewhere deep inside me decided to surface all at once. They were brought up from the depths by Carlisle's offering. One time, I would have given anything to become a vampire; I had begged it on my knees. I had thought that I could actually belong to somewhere, and then the door was slammed shut against my face. Everyone had left me - nothing could keep them on this earth. No one had stayed. All the people that I had loved and cared for were gone, as if my touch had defiled them.

They had left, one by one, and I was alone...

Suddenly my throat was constricting, and I couldn't breathe. I tried to drown all the pain and grief, summoning the numbness to stifle the agony.

But the numbness didn't come.

I stumbled down from the bed and staggered towards the bathroom. I couldn't make it that far.

My knees gave out and I leaned heavily against the wall, sliding down until I hit the floor. My gasps turned into quiet sobs. Breathing was difficult, and I felt like I was suffocating. I leaned my back against the wall, pulling my knees against my chest and wrapping my arms around them, trying to hold myself together. I had to hold myself together; there was no one to do it for me, or even to help me. I was drowning...

The pain was gripping, taking all of my meager energy and focus. That was why I couldn't hear the door opening. I couldn't hear the soft steps nearing me, and I couldn't feel the cool marble body crouching beside me.

Cold hands touched my shoulders, then slid down my arms and grasped my wrists. Those hands were tugging at them, trying to open the lock of my limbs. I tried to resist, curling up more tightly into myself, trying to stifle the sobs. But I was too weak; the hands kept pulling until I couldn't hide anymore.

"Let go of me," I wailed.

He didn't - those cold arms wrapped around me, holding tightly. I tried to push him away, pounding my small fists against his stone chest, but he was like he didn't even notice. The only reaction was to tighten his hold of me.

And suddenly I was willing in his arms.

I hid my face in the crook of his neck, grasping his coat with my fingers. The sobs were no longer quiet and controlled; they were loud and body wracking. Gentle whispers were murmured into my ear; I could feel cool lips against my neck. He was rocking me gently, the way someone would comfort a crying child.

I tried to focus on my breathing. But my lungs couldn't take any air in, and a convulsion shook me. Breathing out was as difficult as breathing in, and a part of my hazy brain I realised that I must be hyperventilating. Pants and heaves continued as the cold fingers rubbed against my back soothingly.

I don't know how long we sat on the floor. But eventually the spasms ceased, the gulps of air filling my lungs. With the air came his musky scent; it soothed me more than anything. The hot tears didn't stop, and they continued flowing down his neck, and wetting his shirt, but he didn't seem to mind. He didn't seem to even notice.

My legs were tingling with numbness, but I couldn't move. And I refused to let go.

And he didn't let go either.

The time passed. Maybe hours, maybe days - I had no interest.

I vaguely realised that Carlisle slid his arm behind my knees and lifted me up into his arms.

The bed was soft against my back as he lowered me on it. A blanket was draped over me, and I realised that I was shivering so bad that my teeth chattered. It was dark; when had I closed my eyes? I reached out blindly, managing to grasp his hand.

"Don't leave me," I begged.

But I didn't have to worry about him leaving me; he had sat down next to me, closer than ever. This made me open my eyes.

He was hovering over me, his cool lips brushing my cheek as he whispered words into my ear.

"I won't."

And I believed him. For it was impossible not to believe when someone was vowing you something with a voice that was so sincere and honest.

I wasn't drowning anymore. I was floating on the surface of a deep dark water, and there was someone with me to keep me afloat.

He wouldn't let me sink.

* * *

Something was touching my hair.

It tingled, but not in an uncomfortable way. It was relaxing; it felt nice. The touch was light, lingering every once in a while near my hairline, and then continuing the exploration. I started to get sleepy again.

I had always been like that; if someone was fiddling with my hair, I would be out like a light in a matter of minutes. Renée had taken me to a barber a few times as child, and she'd had to carry me back to the car every time. When I had grown older she had decided to spare her back and cut my hair herself at home to avoid the whole lumbago-process.

The touches sent shivers down my spine. This was so much better than sitting in a barber's chair.

I cracked my eyes open a bit; they felt sore and sensitive. The touches became slower, more cautious. He wouldn't stop, would he?

The room was dim. It was probably a night time; I was lying on my side so I couldn't see the clock.

The touch traveled downwards on my body and stopped when reaching my upper back. It stayed there, waiting. The coolness of his skin penetrated the thin material of my shirt.

I turned my head to see the owner of that cool touch. But of course I didn't need to see in order to know for sure; the visual sense was just a nice bonus at the moment. And my eyes didn't disappoint me. He didn't disappoint me.

His eyes flamed in the dim lighting as he studied my face. And I studied his; it was difficult. His visage was layered with so many expressions and emotions, and still he wore only one expression. How could one expression bear so much?

I forgot to breathe.

Did I need to?

Because it would take too much of my concentration to try to breathe and look at him at the same time. Maybe I should take turns.

But I didn't want to take turns. I just wanted to look, to see. To admire. There was nothing wrong with that, right? I could make it without the oxygen.

His lips opened before the quiet words glided on his tongue.

"How are you?"

It was something you could ask from a former friend after years or months of separation; _'How are you? How are things with you? Is life treating you okay?'_. But I had learned a long time ago that those questions were often shallow and meaningless; people asked them out of habit, not because they were truly interested.

But when Carlisle said those words, I knew he meant them - every single one of them. He was interested. He cared about my wellfare, even when I had managed to convince myself that he didn't. That I wasn't worthy.

Carlisle was looking at me like I was worthy.

And I wanted to answer, because he truly deserved to be answered. Anything he wanted to ask from me, and I would give him the answer. Because he was worth it.

"Better," I whispered.

And I thought I really was.

I was far from healthy, far from being stable and normal. My little outburst that had occurred earlier only proved it; I was swinging on the edge of a deep fall, dancing on a fine and delicate wire. And any moment the wire could break, and I would shatter myself along with it.

For a long time, I had forbid all the feelings of sadness, betrayal and grief from myself. I hadn't allowed them to take over me. I had been living in a denial, withdrawing into a shell to protect myself. A part of me still wanted to deny - I wasn't strong, even when I wanted to. I was weak.

But now someone knew about my weakness. There was one person that I didn't have to play a role to. But even if I didn't have to play a role, to pretend, I was still reaching out and fumbling for my mask; it was a habit that I couldn't rid myself of. It brought me false safety.

I wrenched my eyes away from his, and struggled to sit up.

He hurried to help me, draping his long arm behind my back. Then he leaned back again when I was comfortable enough.

The headboard was hard against the back of my head as I leaned against it, trying to figure out something to say. But how could I find a way to say all those things I wanted him to know?

I wanted to apologize. I had hurt him; I had shouted and been inpolite. He had been offering something so incredible to me, and he had been ready to take the risk of feeling eternally guilty about endangering my soul.

So I said the only thing that came to my mind at that moment.

"I'm sorry."

My voice was frail and hoarse. It wasn't cool or calm or controlled, and I felt as feeble as my voice sounded.

His voice was smooth as it always was, but held no less emotions.

"You don't have to be sorry."

We were sitting very closely, opposite of each other. There was only a few inches between us; our thighs were touching. His cool breath crushed against my face. It smelled sweet.

I lowered my gaze from his golden eyes, ashamed.

"I'm sorry I threw a book at you," I mumbled.

A sound of his quiet chuckle echoed in the room. "You missed me," he declared. In the same breath he added, "I'm sorry for insulting you, for being insensitive." And he truly was sorry; I lifted my gaze from the sheets and looked at him, bemused.

"You didn't insult me," I denied. And he hadn't, not really. It wasn't his fault that I had a minor nervous breakdown.

His eyes were so regretful that I had to lower my gaze again. This time my eyes settled to his hands. His right one was still covered in the black ink; I bet water couldn't erase it.

"I'm sorry that I... made you break the pen." I brushed my fingers against the smudgy surface of his skin that should have been pale white. He caught me off guard by grabbing my hand in his own.

"I believe that particular incident was the fault of my own." There was a tinge of amusement is his voice, a hidden smile. I was satisfied that he didn't seem upset.

"I'm sorry that I yelled," I muttered.

My gaze was still settled onto our linked hands. I didn't want to look at him. But he reached out with his free hand, and tilted my chin to capture my eyes. I didn't resist; how could I?

He held my gaze as he held my chin, my body and mind in his possession at the moment.

"Bella," he whispered. "Believe me when I say that I didn't offer you an alternative out of pity. I offered it because I wanted to. Because you were supposed to be part of my family a long time ago. And you were part of my family; you _are_ part of it. Even when we had to forsake you, which I will never forgive myself. I'm sorry for so many mistakes I've made, and one of them is that I did not help you sooner."

I listened quietly when he poured his heart out; he seemed to have so much to say. I knew how it felt, having so much to tell but no idea how to tell it.

Could it be true what he said? Could it be, that he actually cared for me that much, that he was willing to offer an eternity to me? It seemed... unreal. Plain and bare. That someone would appreciate my existence that much.

I was still imprisoned in his eyes. And he was waiting for my answer. I didn't know what to say; I had been prepared to die for so long. I had accepted the fact that my life would be short. I had been waiting for death, because in death, I wouldn't have to suffer anymore.

I wondered how long Carlisle had been thinking about this conversation, planning it. How many times had he tried to pluck up the courage to ask if I became an immortal by his side? The thought hadn't even occured to me during his presence in the hospital. I'd figured that after he had showed up he had just felt too guilty to leave me.

"I'll think about it," I whispered.

It sounded so lame, but it was the best answer I could offer at the moment. If Carlisle was disappointed, he didn't show it. I guess he had been waiting for me to refuse straight away.

His hand dropped from my chin and he squeezed my hand.

"Please do," he whispered. Then he surprised me by wrapping me in his cold embrace.

I didn't know if he meant to comfort me of comfort himself; maybe both. I wrapped my thin arms around him awkwardly, stiffly. I wasn't used to any kind of affection. It felt foreign and familiar at the same time, but I welcomed it. His skin smelled wonderful; it was the same scent that had brought my mind at ease before. Wood, linen, musk and a tinge of cinnamon. It was better than any perfume.

We parted after a moment, and that's when I realised that my cheeks were hot. I had hard time remembering the last time Carlisle had smiled so widely as he did now.

"There's the blush I've been missing," he teased and brushed his cold fingers against my other red cheek. I wanted to swat him.

"I'm sorry to inform you that you are the only one," I remarked.

He only chuckled, and reached for my watercup. I eyed it as he offered it to me. Was he worried that the tears had dehydrated me?

I drank a little bit so that he would be satisfied.

"How long was I asleep?" I asked nonchalantly as I glanced at the clock.

"Nine hours. Do you feel like you could sleep some more?"

I shook my head, feeling quite alert; I didn't want to go back to sleep. My eyes strayed across the room and I saw the book that was still lying on the floor. I remembered how angry I had been when I had thrown it at the door. Now I was glad that it hadn't hit the target.

Carlisle had noticed what I was looking at, and for a moment he seemed to have trouble suppressing his smile. I hoped that I hadn't offended him very badly with my action. I'd had no idea that I would have a will to harm him physically. But I guess I had been really mad.

Carlisle straightened his tall and lean figure as he stood up, and went to pick up the book from the floor. It was my copy of _Wuthering Heights_. You'd think that the book had enough bad experiences already during its life. It was old and worn and the corners had wrinkles. Or then the book brought me simply bad luck; the last time I had been in contact with it, I had passed out.

Carlisle walked back to me and set the book on the table. He gave me a cautious look, as if he was hesitating to leave the book so close to me; who knew when I'd start raging again. I bit my lip, ashamed.

"I'm really sorry again," I muttered.

"You have no reason to worry, Bella." His voice was calming, reassuring. Did he ever get mad? I'm sure it had been close one or two times; the time when I had confessed him my guilt about Edward and Esme, and last night when I had told him about my intention to stop the treatments.

Maybe I had that affect on people. Or on the vampires. I had no social skills, no matter what the species.

I shifted my position as my back started to ache.

"Could I walk around for a moment?" I asked hesitantly.

Carlisle considered it for a few seconds, also hesitating. But then he seemed pleased that I felt good enough even to suggest something like moving around. His eyebrows rose a bit and he gave me a nod, grabbing my dark blue robe from the back of the chair.

I swinged my legs over the edge of the bed and put my arms in the sleeves of the robe that Carlisle gave me. Then I stood up slowly, and Carlisle grabbed my arm in case I needed help.

I slid my socked feet inside the slippers and glanced at Carlisle.

"Would you like to go to the hallway?" he asked.

"Okay," I complied. There would be a lot more room in there anyway.

The hallway was silent and deserted. It was so early that all the other patients were still asleep. I directed my steps towards the large window. Carlisle was still walking beside me, but he didn't hold my arm anymore. But I was certain that he was monitoring my every move, and if I as much as swayed a bit he would probably haul me back to my room.

I was feeling alright at the moment. My back and legs still ached and my head pounded a bit, but there was no dizziness for a change.

We reached the large window, and I leaned into the railing as I glanced outside.

Everything was covered in whiteness; the lawn, the few trees that grew on the yard, the cars on the parking lot. My eyes picked up the bench which Carlisle and I had been sitting on a few nights ago. It felt like it had been forever when we had been watching the hawk flying in the night sky, and Carlisle had urged me to make a wish. The memory brought a small smile on my lips.

I turned my head at Carlisle, who was still standing beside me. His eyes were also glued to that bench, and he was wearing a matching small smile. Again I had to wonder what he had wished for me and for himself.

My eyes seeked the the sky again. It was almost covered in dark clouds, but the moon peeked behind them every once in a while, casting its light to the ground and making everything look blue and mysterious. I couldn't resist the urge to glance at Carlisle's hand that was resting on the windowsill.

It was his left hand, the one he wasn't smeared with ink. The skin was white and pale, and the moonlight made it glisten subtly. I didn't even realise that I had reached out with my own hand, and I was now rubbing my finger against his knuckles.

The skin was as smooth as I expected it to be. It was hard and soft at the same time - like a fine work of art. For a short moment I wondered if my skin would look the same someday.

I glanced at the owner of that marble hand to see if my touch was bothering him.

Instead of the molten gold that I expected to see in his eyes, I saw only blackness. Maybe it was the lighting; I had never seen his eyes take such a pitch black tone.

But in the next second I thought that I had only imagined it; he blinked, and the butterscotch irises were back, looking at me friendly.

I drew my hand away.

I glanced back at the moon, trying to think of something to talk about. I cleared my throat silently. The noise seemed sharp and sudden in the silent corridor.

"So. How's Alice doing with the house? Is it still standing?" I queried.

I was rewarded with Carlisle chuckle.

"Yes, surprisingly it is. I'm sure that she's soon done with it though; I'm worried to even think about what her next project will be."

I tried to imagine Alice darting inside the house wearing dirty overalls and a paintbrush in her hand - it was hard. Maybe she had forced Jasper to do all the dirty work, and played the role of organizer herself. That thought had much less conflict.

"Maybe you should come and see it someday."

Carlisle's words made me turn to him, surprised. He was inviting me into his home?

Wow.

It took me a moment to get over my surprise. Carlisle's eyes were serious, questioning, as if trying to convince me that he was not kidding.

"Hmmh." I kicked myself inwardly for not figuring out anything more sensible to say. "Maybe. I guess it would be nice," I finally managed to mutter. Carlisle's smile was genuinely pleased, and I had to turn my head away in sudden embarrasment.

It had been a long time since I had been invited into a house full of vampires.

And what embarrased me was, that it made the butterflies in my stomach to flap their wings.

* * *

**A/N:** This is the chapter that I've wanted to post a long long time; it had a lot of Bella/Carlisle interaction in it. It's good to see Bella blow off some steam; I'm sure that it'll do good for her. Her emotional healing won't be complete overnight; they both have to accept that it takes some time.

I'm currenty working on chapter 21. It's unlikely that I'll get it done by tomorrow; it may take a few days and I'll post it as soon as I can. Next week will be a busy one for me.

Meanwhile, you are free to imagine what will happen next; will Bella become a vampire or not? :) Hope you enjoy my story!


	21. Chapter 21: Road

_**Stephenie Meyer owns Twilight :)**_

* * *

_**" All roads eventually lead to the great path.**_

_**Many cross on the way."**_

-Shifu, _Stargate SG-1_-

* * *

**Road**

CPOV

The afternoon sun was peeking behind the clouds as I parked my car in front of my house. Alice's weather forecast had been accurate; she had claimed that my shift at the hospital would end before the sun came out. And she had been right, as always.

It was mid-December, and the weather was getting colder. The snow crunched under my shoes as I made my way to the front door. A wave of warmth surged to greet me as I opened it, stepping inside.

Alice was a miracle worker when it came to brightening up the atmosphere; the house was fully furnished and decorated, and she had brought a feel of the nearing Christmas into the house by hanging small decorations and wreaths on the walls. She hadn't gone too far, which was a huge topic of amazement for me and Jasper. We didn't usually celebrate Christmases like humans did, but if Alice had even a small reason to celebrate something, she would grab at the chance with both hands.

Christmas wasn't irrelevant or meaningless to me; every year my thoughts would return to the very first Christmas thousands of years ago. And part of me hoped that I would have been alive during that time to witness that miracle.

I threw my coat on the back the chair in the living room, lost in my thoughts. In a matter of seconds Alice skittered from somewhere and snatched it away, throwing a scolding glance at me for causing such a disorder in the house.

"How was your day?" she asked, adding in the same breath, "How was Bella today?" The coat was twisted and wrinkled as she squeezed it in her hands.

She would ask that every time I came home from the hospital; she wanted to know if Bella had been feeling any better, or if there had been any change in her condition. I knew what she wanted to hear the most; she wanted me to come home someday, possibly bringing Bella with me, and she wanted me to announce that she would be one of us, at last.

I knew that she would probably know before I did when that day would come, but she asked anyway. She was impatient and frustrated, and I understood.

She knew that I had offered Bella immortality a week ago. But I hadn't told her anything else; I hadn't wanted to tell her how Bella had reacted at first. If Alice hadn't seen it in her visions, then the occurence should be left in that hospital room. It felt too private.

Bella's anger had shocked me at first. The way she had thrown me out of her room had slashed my heart. I had closed the door behind me after my leaving, hearing something smashing against it. The thought of her wanting to injure me physically, had she been capable, made me feel ashamed. But that didn't upset me nearly as much as her words had - she had actually thought that I had offered to change her out of pity.

Why did she think so little about herself? That she wasn't important?

After a moment I had heard her quiet sobs, and I knew I had to go in. I truly _needed _to go in - it was a need I couldn't explain. I had opened the door quietly and seen her huddling on the floor, and my heart had broken in that moment. She had been all alone with her emotions for so long, trying to suppress them, and it had only been a matter of time before something would make her crack.

But I knew it was healthier that way. She couldn't keep her feelings inside forever. I had held her until she had run out of tears, and finally fallen asleep.

The past few days after her outburst had seemed to be a little better; she hadn't been so impassive and cold like she often seemed to be. But I knew she had a long road to walk before she would heal completely. I knew it, because I was walking that same road.

I glanced at Alice. Her eyes were worried, and I realised I still hadn't answered her question. I decided to reassure her before she thought that something was wrong.

"She's alright. I saw her walking around in the corridor with a nurse before I left."

"She hasn't decided yet." It wasn't a question.

I shook my head mutely and walked over to the window, looking outside.

I couldn't blame Bella for her hesitation. This was a huge step for her; for all of us. If she became one of us, it would change our lives forever. It would change her life. Had I offered to change her five years ago, she would have accepted it without a blink. But she had a good reason back then; she had wanted to spend an eternity with Edward.

But now Edward was gone, along with Esme; my own reason to exist.

I missed her. She always knew what to do, and how to find the solution.

And I wondered; what if we weren't good enough for a reason for Bella to stay alive? What if I wasn't? If she rather died...

Alice said something to me, but her words were drowned under my thoughts.

"Carlisle," she repeated. I turned to her, trying to rid myself of the grimness.

"I'm sorry, Alice. Could you repeat?"

"I said that Rosalie called a few hours ago," Alice said. "She told me to say hi. Before Emmett started whining at the background that he was getting bored. They will probably spend the Christmas somewhere in Siberia."

Rosalie and Emmett. How would they react when they heard about Bella? And our intentions to bring her into the family? Emmett probably wouldn't mind a bit, but Rosalie's reaction worried me; she never was the same after witnessing the deaths of Edward and Esme. She rarely talked about it; how could she ever be whole again after seeing something like that?

There had always been tension between Bella and Rosalie - Bella had never known the real reason behind it. How could she have known how much being a human meant to Rosalie? It had been inconceivable for her to even think that someone could swap a life as a human to a life of eternal darkness. Eternal night.

Bella was still blaming herself because of what happened to Edward and Esme. Would Rosalie blame her, too?

"How are they?" I asked.

Alice pursed up her mouth and gave a quick shrug. "They were okay," she piped. "Emmett is having a lot of fun with all the bears around." This made us both chuckle.

"I know what you're going to ask," she stated, just when I was about to open my mouth. "I didn't tell them about Bella. Maybe it's not time for that, just yet."

I nodded, agreeing.

"How do you think they'll take it?" I wondered. Suddenly I wanted to be reassured, to hear Alice saying that everything would work out.

Alice's golden eyes twinkled slightly, but her face was ruminative, unsure. I knew she hated to be unsure.

"I don't know," she whispered. "I'm sure Emmett would love to have Bella around any time. But Rosalie is a mystery to me; she's as unpredictable as Emmett is predictable." There was amusement in her voice, and she didn't seem too worried. There was suddenly mischief in her eyes.

"Alice?"

She glanced at me, the mischief tranforming into highlighted innocence; the expression only proved her guilty.

"Have you seen something I should know?" I queried.

She only smiled a polite smile. "Nope," she answered, a thousand bells chiming in her voice. Then she was only a blur to an eye as she sprinted to the door, putting my coat on a hangar in the process. After that she was out of the door.

I wondered what she was hiding. I guess I would find out eventually, and Alice would be more than self-satisfied because she had been the first one to know.

"Why so sinister, Carlisle?"

Jasper's low-pitched voice was heard from the kitchen door and I glanced up.

He was leaning his tall, leonine figure against the wide door frame. A small smile lighted up his face; he knew that Alice had a tendency to annoy people around her.

I chuckled quietly, not bothering to answer.

"You feel like going for a hunt?" he asked.

I considered it. I wasn't very thirsty at the moment, but maybe it would be good to get some fresh air. And the weather was very beautiful. I had to make my time pass somehow, because my nightshift at the hospital wouldn't begin in hours.

"I borrowed one of your books from your study after you had left to the hospital," Jasper informed. "I hope you don't mind." His slight Southern accent resonated in the silent room. I found it humorous that Jasper still felt the need to ask my permission to borrow my books, even though we had shared everything through the decades. It was very Jasper-like.

"Of course I don't mind, Jasper. You may read them any time you wish."

He nodded, looking pleased. He then gestured towards the door with his hand. _Shall we go then? _he seemed to ask.

We didn't bother to take our jackets before we ran into the snowy forest. We had no need for them - we didn't get cold very easily.

Jasper had sensed a moose somewhere far away; his instincts woke up immediately, and he disappeared in a matter on seconds to hunt.

Being a 'vegetarian' had always been difficult for Jasper, even if I knew he didn't want to kill people. He didn't want to be a monster - it had only been something he had gotten used to. He had not known that there was another option. One time he had said to me that hunting animals was more challenging than hunting humans, and it did make sense. It would be easier to lure a human to some place quiet, and then just kill. I knew that it wouldn't take long, and it would be effortless. Not that I had ever entertained the thought.

But when you were hunting animals, you really needed most of you vampire instincts; hearing, eyesight and the sense of smell. For Emmett it was like a fun game, and he often got bored if there wasn't anything bigger to chase than deer.

Jasper had gotten a lot better at controlling himself around humans. What had happened with Bella all those years ago had a great impact on his motivation, causing him to be striving and making an effort more than ever before. He never wanted to repeat what had happened in Forks five years ago.

I made my way through the dense forest, now I almost needing to climb because the ground had started to rise, and soon the forest turned into rocks and mountains. I sensed a herd of deer a few hundred yards away, but ignored them, cediding that I wouldn't hunt today. Ignoring their scents and heartbeats, I continued my lonely walk.

The sun had started to set; it would be the time of twilight soon. The eerie silence was broken as I heard a sound of romping and rioting from somewhere far away. I stopped to listen more carefully.

Soon my ears picked the sound of laughter as Alice giggled to something - I would know her laughter anywhere. I had wondered where she had disappeared after our conversation. Apparently she had decided to sneak up on Jasper and surprise him.

I wondered if the moose had gotten away.

After an hour of wandering around, I decided to head home. Alice and Jasper were probably already there, or then they had gone higher up to the mountains because I couldn't hear them anymore. My pace was slow as I walked - I was in no hurry. Suddenly the hair in my neck stood up as I felt that someone watching me. I stopped abruptly, and let my gaze sweep the surroundings.

The eyes of yellow and black started at me from above.

I almost laughed out loud as the huge owl stared at me from the tree. I wondered if it was the same owl that had flown to survey me all those weeks ago.

The bird looked at me accusingly. I guess it wasn't satisfied with my reaction; those eyes could scare anyone in the darkness. But not me. The owl's presence felt familiar, soothing.

But what almost managed to startle me were the soundless steps behind my back. I quickly turned around to see who was coming - I hadn't caught anyone's scent because the wind was blowing from the wrong direction.

It was Alice and Jasper, of course. Jasper looked calm and composed as always, and his eyes were pure golden; maybe the moose hadn't managed to get away after all. Alice was looking at me curiously, a slightly derisive expression on her fairy-like face.

"Are you having a staring contest with an owl?" she teased.

I snorted softly and shook my head, smiling.

The owl had enough, and apparently two more predators were too much for it to bare. It flapped its wings and flew away soundlessly, and for a moment I wondered if the owl appeared to me whenever I felt the need for guidance.

"Ready to go home?" Alice asked, shaking me from my thoughts.

"Why not," I said quietly. _Home_, I thought. It certainly felt more like it, now that Alice and Jasper had arrived.

Alice had a fathomless amount of energy today, like always. "I'll race you!" she burst out to me and Jasper. I almost told them to run without me. I would follow them with a normal human pace.

"Unless you feel like you're too old?" Alice challenged, her eyes twinkling teasingly. It felt good to see her acting so normal, like everything was the same as it had been before. She still mourned for Edward and Esme, as did the rest of us. But in her eyes I could see hope - hope for that someday everything would be better.

I looked down on her small frame, pretending to scorn. Without any warning I dashed into the forest, but it was difficult to surprise Alice - she had the advantage of seeing the future, after all. I heard her behind me, not more than a few paces away.

"Hey, no fair!" she nagged. "That was a false start!" Her huffy voice echoed in the dark forest as the three of us ran towards the house.

Jasper joined the conversation, overtaking Alice with one long stride. "What if you just told us that who wins?" he exclaimed.

The only answer he received was a growl that could have belonged to a lion more likely than a petite young woman.

It was a tie between me and Jasper; he reached me just when the house peeked through the trees. We could only laugh at Alice's sour expression - she was a bad loser.

The rest of the evening passed slowly as Alice made me arrange the books in my study; it felt more like a punishment, or a revenge after her lost race. But to me it was a quite pleasant way to spend time. I arranged the books slowly and carefully, browsing some of them during my organizing. The study was smaller than the one I had in Forks, and I had to take some of my literature and find a place for them in my bedroom.

The bedroom was spacious. The walls were dark blue as was the floor and the ceiling; the color could have made the room look smaller but it didn't. One of the walls was completely made of glass, and a door led to the balcony that overlooked the mountains and the forest.

I arranged the books on the shelves neatly to avoid Alice's wrath.

I noticed that she had arranged a few framed pictures on one of the shelves. There was a picture of the Denali coven, pictures of Rosalie and Emmett with Edward, a picture of Jasper and Alice... And _her. _My finger brushed the familiar photograph of Esme, who smiling brightly at the camera. I wondered who had taken that picture - I had never bothered to find out.

I quickly arranged the rest of the books to avoid any further thoughts.

The clock was nearing the time when my shift started. The billowing snow had wetted my clothes and I quickly changed, after that making my way downstairs.

Jasper had started the fire; it was crackling happily and bringing a nice feel of warmth into the living room. Alice was curled up on the couch, still and motionless for once. Jasper sat beside her and ruffled her hair tenderly.

I waved my hand at them as I made my way to the door, putting the coat on in the process.

"Tell Bella I said hi," Alice requested from the couch. I had told her about my intention to bring Bella here one of these days; she had been locked inside the hospital for so long that I was sure it would feel good to get out for a while, even for a few hours. Alice was really looking forward to seeing her again. She would probably live in the hospital with Bella, if it was allowed.

I promised to take her greetings as I opened the door, and stepped outside into the night.

* * *

The clock was past midnight when I finally was released from my other duties, and was able to go and see Bella. There had been a severe pile-up on the highway, and when I had arrived to the hospital to begin my night shift, I'd been forced to hurry straight into the operating theatre. The smell of human blood was still heavy in my nostrils, and it felt good to know that there were no other surgeries to be expected tonight. The smell really didn't bother me, but nonetheless it was a small relief to take off the green scrubs, and breathe in some fresh air.

The three other doctors were exhausted after the eventful evening, and they gratefully left home to get some sleep. One of them was a resident, his training as a doctor not yet completed, but that young man had impressed me in that chaos that had erupted in the ER. He would make an excellent doctor someday.

I pulled my white coat on top of the pale blue shirt, and made my way to the corridor. It was late, and Bella was presumably asleep, but I wanted to check on her anyway.

I opened the door of her room quietly, not wanting to wake her up.

She was lying on her side in the dark room, and as I closed the door she shifted, turning her head to see who had entered. Why was she awake? I quickly stepped closer so that she wouldn't sit up.

"Who's there?" she asked. It was too dark for eyes to see.

"It's me," I whispered. "I'm terribly sorry, I didn't mean to wake you," I apologized.

"I was already awake." The sheets rustled as she pushed herself to sit up. Her hands fumbled for the lamp on her bedside table, looking for the switch. But my fingers were faster, and found the switch before she did, and soon the room bathed in the yellow light.

I viewed the young woman in the bed as I sat myself down on the edge. Her face was a shade paler than usually, her heartbeat a little faster. It's wasn't unexpected from a person with leukemia, but I worried nonetheless.

"Do you feel alright? Why are you awake?" I asked as I reached out to touch her forehead.

Her skin burned against my cool one, and she shivered slightly.

"Bella," I exclaimed, startled. I got up and started to rummage through the drawers, looking for a thermometer.

"It's nothing, Carlisle, you shoudn't..." I barely heard her weak words of resistance, finally I finding the object I was looking for.

Bella's face reflected pure exasperation as I inserted the projection of the thermometer in her ear and pressed the button; the indicator announced the reading almost immediately.

99.2 degrees of Fahrenheit. It's was a bit high, but not as bad as it could have been. I let out a sigh, relieved.

"It's nothing," Bella repeated. "I've had a lot worse, believe me."

Fever and infections were quite common when the patient suffered from leukemia; the treatments also caused them, because the immune system weakened. I could only hope that it wouldn't get any worse.

Setting the thermometer aside, I sat down on the bed again. My hand worked on it's own accord as I reached out to brush her cheek. Bella leaned into my hand almost involuntarily and closed her eyes - the coldness must have felt pleasant against her heated skin.

"How's Alice and Jasper doing?" Her eyes were still closed, her voice quiet.

"They are well. Alice told me to say hello."

This made Bella smile a bit; it wasn't a wide, utterly happy smile, but a smile nonetheless. It had been days since Alice's visit. Bella hadn't shared with me what they had talked about, and I hadn't asked. A part of me was curious, but I didn't wish to intrude. They had been very close with Alice all those years ago in Forks, and their bond had strengthened when Alice and Jasper had protected Bella from James. They had spent almost the whole summer together as Alice had helped Bella as her broken leg was healing.

I wondered if things were ever going to be the same between them. So many things had changed.

"Tell Alice that I say hi, too. And to Jasper also, of course." Her words made hope kindle inside my cold heart. Maybe they could be friends someday, despite of all the things that had occurred.

"I will," I promised. "I'm sure that they are looking forward to your visit."

When I had told her a week ago that she should come and see the house someday, I had been serious. Bella had seemed hesitant, and I hoped that she wouldn't back out. Alice was over the moon as she waited for her to come, as expected. And Jasper was... Jasper. His enthusiasm was more restrained. But I knew that he was more than willing to see Bella again.

Bella had opened her eyes, and her dark brown eyes were staring at me. I withdrew my hand from her cheek.

"Really?" she asked. She seemed dubious.

"Of course," I assured. "If you still want to. We'll go when you feel up to it," I vowed.

Bella's face became pensive as she sank into her thoughts. Once more I wished that I could see inside her mind; sometimes it was so easy to read her, and the other times it was impossible. She was hiding too much from me, from herself.

"How do you feel about seeing Alice and Jasper?" I asked, straightforward. "Do you not resent us because of what happened all those years ago?"

Her eyes sweeped the room as she pondered my question, thinking the best way to give an answer. My question had surprised her.

"I don't know," she finally said, and I could see that she was honest. "It's difficult to explain. I wanted to be angry for a long time; I wanted to be bitter. And I was. I am a human and you... you weren't. I wanted to be a part of something that I didn't belong to," she murmured. "But I wanted to belong with you." She shook her head, frustrated. I knew how she felt; wanting someone to understand what you mean, but ending up making it more difficult.

After a moment she continued.

"It still seems strange to me that they want me around. That you want me around," she whispered. "I'm not saying this because I want to whine or be needy. It's just feels so... strange." She huffed a bit, trying to find the words. "But I am glad, that they seem to accept me so quickly."

It saddened me that she still felt responsible for Edward and Esme; that she felt that we should hate her. How could I make her see, that it was't her fault?

We were all feeling guilty about something; Jasper for attacking Bella, Alice for not seeing everything beforehand, I felt guilty for letting all this happen.

"Bella," I said slowly. "I do understand that you may feel like that. But in the end, there was nothing you could have done about Edward and Esme. I understand that you regret some things that have happened - I know it because I regret many things, too. But I hope, that someday..." I didn't know how to continue. "I can only hope that someday everything will turn out alright."

Bella listened quietly, pondering my words. Her eyes were curious, sad, as she spoke.

"What do you regret?" she whispered.

I bit my lower lip; it was a very human-like gesture. A part of me just wanted to tell her everything I had been feeling, even those things that I couldn't tell anyone else. But I didn't want to strain her with my thoughts. It wouldn't be right.

"Many things," I whispered back. "First and foremost I regret that I let Edward persuade us to move five years ago; I should have resisted harder. It should have been a family decision, because it affected the whole family. But we left, and the only good reason for me was that you would be safer. I value a human life more than anything." I looked into her dark eyes, trying to make her understand.

"I also regret..." I had to take a deep, needless breath to gather strength. "I regret that I couldn't help Edward and Esme. It torments me every single day; what if I had went with them on that hunting trip? If I had been there, they would still be alive, and they wouldn't have been so heavily outnumbered by those newborns. If I had been there with them, they would still live." I had to stop as the emotions started to surface. I couldn't break in front of Bella.

I swallowed convulsively, closing my eyes. "But I didn't save them. And that's what I regret."

I heard Bella shifting on the bed, reaching out to touch my arm. Her touch was warm, solid. Her whisper echoed in the room.

"You can't blame yourself," she said.

I opened my eyes, turning my head towards her. Her eyes were gentle and scolding at the same time; how did she manage it? To accept, and still be disapproving at the same moment?

What if I had been able to save Edward and Esme on that day? What if I had gone with them, instead of staying behind? It is possible that we could have chosen a different path, a different mountain. Perhaps we wouldn't have run into those vampires. And even if we had, we would have had better chances to survive, all of us. Or it was possible, that I would have died in Edward's and Esme's place; it was a sacrifice I would have made gladly. To give up my own life in the place of my loved ones.

Or maybe we all would have had the chance to live, and we would have returned to our house in Alaska, together. We would probably still be there, living together and going on with our lives.

But where did it leave Bella?

She would still be here, all alone, with no family left. Dying from leukemia. And we wouldn't have had a clue.

The thought was unbearable.

"Did you ever find out anything from those vampires who attacked Esme and Edward? And Rosalie?"

Bella's question was so surprising that for a moment I thought that I had only imagined it. But her brown eyes were staring at me, waiting.

"No. Those who didn't survive in Emmett's and Jasper's handling - " I took a break to see if my sentence upset her, but her face was blank. " - they ran away, and we couldn't catch them. We have no idea who they were and who had created them. When someone creates a vampire, the creator is fully responsible for the newborn's actions and behaviour until they can be released on their own."

Bella closed her eyes, taking in my words. I wondered if this conversation was too much for her - I had no wish to agitate her.

"We never saw the remaining newborns again," I continued. "I tried to ask Rosalie if they had said anything before the attack; had they felt threathened or otherwise angered that could cause them to be offensive? But Rosalie couldn't give me any reason."

"I bet that she never was the same after what happened," Bella said quietly. Her voice was sad - she felt sorry for Rosalie. I shook my head.

Bella's earlier question had been quite relevant. I had wondered the origin of those newborns myself. It was likely that some vampire had just gotten reckless and out of control, and had created them accidentally. This was Jasper's opinion, also, and he was an expert when it came to newborns.

Bella's eyes were searching the room, and she seemed to be lost in her thoughts. Had the conversation about being a newborn worried her? Was she thinking of the future, what she would be like if she decided to join us?

I wanted to say 'when' she joined us, not 'if'. But at the moment I could only wait - she was the one who had to make the decision. But I knew that her time was running out, like sand through an hourglass. Second by second...

I surveyed her form carefully. She had leaned her head against the headboard, closing her eyes. Dark circles rounded shadowed the pale eyelids, revealing that her nights had been sleepless. Her skin was nearly as pale as mine, her lips were no longer the shade of red that they used to, as they had paled, too. My eyes sweeped her thin frame; the delicate hands were resting in her lap, her other palm turned upwards. I noted the tiny marks on her palm. Her nails had caused them a few days ago, when she had been so enraged about my proposal. I still remembered how her hands had balled into fists, and the nails had sunk into her fine skin.

The marks would heal. They would scab and wouldn't leave any visible scars. But I wondered, how scarred was her heart?

Bella's head started to droop as she tried to keep herself from sleeping. I got up quietly, touching her shoulder. She jumped a bit at my cool touch, now completely awake. Her eyes were confused.

"You should rest; it'll help with the fever," I said as I started to pull the covers upwards her body so that she could crawl under them. She complied, lying down and curling on her side.

But her eyes stayed open as she insisted that she wasn't sleepy or tired.

I turned off the lamp and my chuckle resounded in the dark room. "If you are still awake after ten minutes, we'll talk some more," I promised.

But only after four minutes, her breathing slowed down and she was sound asleep. My fingers brushed her warm skin in the darkness.

We had both started our journey towards healing. At the beginning, our roads had been different ones, separate paths. But then they had crossed along the journey, and now we were walking that same road, side by side. And even if we had to stop and catch our breath every once in the while, and look at the end of the road and see that it was still far away; even if sometimes we had to take a few steps backwards, instead of going forward, and even if one of us might stumble, and our palms would be scratched and bloody from the fall; we would sit down on the side of the road, and wait until the other was ready to get up again.

And we would rise together, and continue on our path.

* * *

**A/N:** Tadam! I'm sorry that it took me so many days, this week has been crazy and it's still not over! I've been writing whenever I've had the chance and the energy to do it :)

What do you guys think about Rosalie and Emmett being kept in the dark? Should Carlisle inform them about the situation a.s.a.p or should they keep quiet a little more longer? If Bella decides that she wants to live as a vampire, do Rosalie and Emmett have the right to know or is it Carlisle's right to change her despite what they think about it? I'm sure they tell them, eventually. I wonder if Rosalie will flip out... :)

I've started to write chapter 22 and I really like it so far. I'll try to get it done during the weekend, but I can't make any promises except that I'll try as hard as I can :)

I hope you enjoy :)


	22. Chapter 22: Golden

**_Stephenie Meyer owns Twilight :)_**

* * *

**_And there the lion's ruddy eyes_**

**_Shall flow with tears of gold:_**

**_And pitying the tender cries,_**

**_And walking round the fold:_**

**_Saying, 'Wrath by His meekness,_**

**_And, by His health, sickness,_**

**_Are driven away_**

_**From our immortal day.** _

-William Blake-

* * *

**Golden**

BPOV

A pair of dark blue jeans hung loosely on my hips.

I yanked them upwards, frustrated, as I rummaged through my small locker. Where was that stupid belt? Maybe I had thrown it into the trash. I had never thought I would need it one day. I had never thought that I would need any of my normal clothes anymore. It had seemed quite unlikely; after all, I had come to this hospital to die.

Which is why my wardrobe was quite limited. I had only a few items that could be described as clothing. My old jeans, for example. It seemed impossible that they had actually fit a few months ago. Now they were too big and loose, because I had lost a lot of weight. The same went for my dark red sweater that I had managed to crawl into.

I squatted down on the floor to see if my belt was on the bottom shelf. I hissed and bit my lip as my knees hit to the floor; I was still very sore. I pushed my head inside the locker to see better.

I had been running a slight temperature this week, but I had felt better yesterday. Carlisle had come to see me last night and asked if I wanted to get out of the hospital for a few hours. His offer had been intriguing; it had been almost a year when I had last seen the world outside the hospital area. Carlisle had seemed to hesitate as he asked. Maybe he worried that I would refuse, or then he was afraid that I would catch pneumonia during my time outside.

I had accepted his offer, being curious of the house he was staying in. And of course it would be nice to see Alice again. Her visit had been so short that it barely counted as a visit.

Seeing Jasper worried me a bit. I wasn't afraid of him, despite of the fact that the last time I had seen him he had tried to make me his dinner. But I worried about his reaction towards me, and I hoped that he didn't blame himself for what happened the night of my birthday. I knew the burden of guilt, and I didn't wish it for anyone.

I groped blindly the back corner of the locker. Finally my fingers found what I had been looking for as they brushed against the smooth surface of my brown leather belt. I grapped it at the same time I heard the door of my room opening, and I straightened myself quickly, hitting my head against the upper shelf in the process.

"Ow!"

My yelp of pain echoed in the silent room, and inside my head I yelled every single swear word that I knew. Then I turned my head towards the person who had opened the door, pressing the back of my head with my hand while squeezing the belt with the other one.

The golden-haired man at the door looked politely confused, but I knew that on the inside he was suppressing a smile. He closed the door and glided across the floor, crouching beside me. Now I could see his smile; the other side of his mouth had quirked a bit. His fingers pressed my skull where I had hit it.

"Were you trying to hide yourself inside the closet?" he asked.

I rolled my eyes and turned to glare at him. "Yeah, but it turned out be a little small," I answered dryly. He chuckled quietly as he helped me to stand up. I grabbed the waist of my jeans quickly to keep them up.

"Are you ready to leave?" he queried as I tightened the belt around my hips. The were barely enough holes in it for a thin person like me.

"I think so," I muttered. Then I glanced at him and turned my head away, and then looked again.

I had to blink - it felt weird to see Carlisle wearing something else besides his white lab-coat. He was wearing his normal black pants, but instead of the blue shirt and tie he was wearing a dark grey sweater along with a black duffel coat. He looked like he had jumped out from a fashion magazine.

I kicked myself inwardly for staring. It's not like I hadn't seem him before wearing such casual clothes; why would it feel any different now?

I grabbed my brown jacket from the locker and put it on. Then I made sure that this time I would attempt to leave this room with shoes on; he couldn't get the chance to rag about me leaving outside wearing socks only. I gritted my teeth together to prevent the hisses of pain as I kneeled down to tie the laces.

"Okay," I muttered as I pushed myself up. "I'm ready." I glanced downwards, wondering how did I look. Probably awful.

"You look nice," Carlisle remarked, as if he had read my thoughts.

"It's unlikely that I fulfill Alice's standards," I answered, rolling my eyes.

"But you fulfill mine."

Carlisle's smile was disarming, and again I had to wrench my eyes away from his face. He put his hand on my back and led me out of the door.

* * *

Many heads turned on the hallway as Carlisle and I made our way to the elevators. It appeared that wearing clothes that belonged to a doctor worked like a some sort of a buffer for Carlisle. But now, when he was wearing normal clothes, people obviously felt that it was appropriate to stare. Or maybe they were staring at me, wondering what a shrimp like myself was doing in his divine company.

But either Carlisle didn't notice the looks, or then he didn't care; he had probably gotten used to people staring and drooling over him during his three hundred and some years. We finally reached the elevators, and it was a small wonder that the stares hadn't drilled holes in Carlisle's head and body by then.

The elevator doors swished closed after we got inside. I leaned against the back wall, and tried to keep my heartbeat and breathing in control. My eyes squeezed closed.

Carlisle was touching my shoulder, but I couldn't open my eyes. Not yet. I was feeling claustrophobic; the walls were shrinking and I couldn't breathe...

"Bella?"

He sounded really worried, and his hand squeezed my shoulder. I wanted to answer, to reassure him.

"Next time we'll take the stairs," I managed to wheeze.

The elevator bell sounded and the doors opened, and I was greeted with a waft of air; it wasn't fresh air, it was the normal, filtered hospital air. But I didn't complain.

We stepped out of the doors and walked towards the lobby. Carlisle exchanged a few words with that pretty receptionist, telling her my name and informing her that I would be out of the hospital for today. The receptionist's smile was treacly and smarmy as she interacted with Carlisle.

I looked away.

After a moment we were out of the doors, and I glanced around to savor the white scenery. It was freezing cold, and I wrapped my arms tightly around myself, shivering.

The walk to his black Mercedes was short and hasty as Carlisle whisked me across the lot as quickly as possible; I guess he worried that I would catch a cold again. He opened the car door and I slid inside, brushing my hands against the leather seats.

I barely had the time to blink as Carlisle had sat next to me on the driver's seat, quickly turning on the engine and the heater. It didn't take long until the car was filled with warm air and my shivers ceased. I spread my palms in front of the heat vent, enjoying the warmth.

We drove across the town in silence.

I remembered the last time I had sat in this car; the situation had been much more vehement. Alice and Jasper had hurried me across the United States when James had tried track me down to kill me.

My reminiscence was interrupted when Carlisle started to speak.

"Did you get a place in town when you moved to Vancouver?"

Small talk. Nice.

"Yeah. Some woman rented her apartment for me when she went to live somewhere else for a few years." I still payed a small rent for that place, luckily not much. Maybe the lessor felt bad for me, and didn't want to take my money after she had heard that I would be spending most of my time in the hospital. She had said that she wouldn't charge a normal amount because I wasn't even there spending water or electricity. Or maybe she was rich and had no need for extra money.

I should probably call her soon, and tell her to give the place to someone else.

"What kind of apartment? Did you like it there?" Carlisle hadn't given up on the conversation.

"It was okay. Didn't spend much time in there, though," I muttered. "I asked the neighbour to water the plants every once in a while."

Carlisle turned the car to the road that led out of the city, towards the mountains. It was no surprise; I hadn't expected that he would live somewhere in downtown.

"Why did you move to Vancouver?"

Now I had to struggle to find an aswer - I didn't quite know the real reason myself. After graduating highschool in Forks, I had started to weigh my options. I had decided to take a year off and maybe find a temporary job, struggling to move on with my life and trying to forget Edward and the rest of the Cullens.

Like they had never existed.

Then Charlie had died, and my world was in pieces.

I don't have much recollections during the months after his death - I vaguely remember Renée and Phil packing my clothes. Then suddenly it had been very warm; they had taken me to Florida. But it didn't matter to me where I was. Charlie wasn't there.

Eventually when the haze and fog had receded, I had tried to get a hold of the life again. Renée had persuaded me to enroll in one of the colleges; it really hadn't interested me. But I had started to study anyway.

My world had broken to pieces the day Charlie had died, and I hadn't known if I was able to reassemble it ever again. The shards had scattered all around me and I had no strength to gather them all. Renée and Phil had tried to help; I had never thanked them for that.

And just when I had started to find the energy, and the will to collect the fragments of my life, piecing them together one by one, the unexpected had happened.

I never thought that I would be able to bare that amount of pain.

I vaguely remember sitting in a pale green room, and a doctor with low and professional voice had told me quietly that the two passengers inside the sedan hadn't made it. That their death had been quick and painless. I couldn't remember what the doctor looked like; I only remembered his low and rough voice when it echoed in the silence.

I had been the silence; I had been empty.

I still was.

"Bella?"

I shook myself from my reverie, and turned to the man beside me. His eyes had left the road, yet I knew that he was in full control of the car. I remembered his question suddenly.

"Um... I don't know why I moved here. I just wanted to start from a clean slate." That was almost true; after losing my mom and Phil, I had packed my bags and left. I had needed to get out, to somewhere were nothing would remind me of anything.

I never stayed in the same place for long, staying always on the move. After finding a place to stay and a job, I had stayed for a few months and left when everything would get too familiar. Leaving had been easy, and arriving into a new and foreign town had been even easier.

It made the breathing easier. But it was only temporary.

I remember sitting one rainy day outside a small cafe, watching the masses of people passing by. And I remember how terribly I had wanted to be any of them - I had wanted to be anyone else but me.

"A clean slate, huh," Carlisle muttered with his smooth voice. He looked pensive, and I wondered if he thought that I resented him for showing up in the same town when I had tried to start over. Tried to forget.

"Why did you move into Vancouver?" I asked him back.

His chuckle was wry and ironic as he answered,

"To start from a clean slate."

But he didn't seem to be cynical or sorry; a small smile was lighting up his face, as if he was thinking about a fond memory.

"And look how that turned out," I whispered. "Aren't we sad or what?

Carlisle gaze was so intense that after a moment I had to turn away. But I felt his cold touch brushing my wrist and then grab my hand, entwining our fingers.

We had both come to this city to leave our pasts behind - to start fresh so that we could forget. But as we had tried to rid ourselves of the demons, to rid ourselves of what had been before, we had only managed to dive in deeper.

The past might be gone, and we could never get it back to change it; but even when it was gone, unreachable, it reminded us of its presence every single day. The past had made us who we were now, even if we didn't want it to define us.

The amount of the trees on the sides of the road increased as we drove in silence. Soon the scenery darkened as a bunch of trees turned into a dense forest. I tried to bend my neck and see how tall the pines were. My cheek was pressed against the cool car window as I tried to see their crowns against the grey sky.

I was so focused on watching the enchanting forest that I didn't notice that we were nearing the house. Only when Carlisle took his foot from the gas, I turned my head forward and my eyes hit the house.

It was a very beautiful house - very similiar to the one they had in Forks, but still different. The shape was the same rectangular one with the fair color; the house had at least four stories. The porch was large and open, and it begged for someone to come and sit on the smooth stone steps.

My heart started pounding as I remembered that Alice and Jasper were inside, waiting for our arrival. How awkward will it be?

Carlisle had turned off the engine, and if I could hear my own heartbeat pounding in the silence, so could he.

"Are you nervous?" I felt his gaze drilling into the side of my face. _No_, I wanted to say. But I was nervous, and a terrible liar.

"A bit," I sighed and tried to calm my heart down. "You have a beautiful home," I said to change the subject; I didn't want to show any weaknesses.

Suddenly I was transported back to the day I first set my foot in their house in Forks; I had said almost the exact same words to Esme, when Edward had first introduced me to his family.

_"You're very welcome, Bella." Carlisle's step was measured, careful as he approached me. He raised his hand tentatively, and I stepped forward to shake hands with him._

_"It's nice to see you again, Dr. Cullen."_

_"Please, call me Carlisle."_

_"Carlisle." I grinned at him, my sudden confidence surprising me._

"What's that smile for?"

Carlisle's quiet voice penetrated into my consciousness. And then I noticed it, too; I was smiling so widely at the memory that my cheeks were starting to hurt. I glanced at him.

Golden flames were dancing in his eyes; he seemed to be pleased, maybe even amused of my sudden change of mood. His lips were slightly ajar, and I could see his white, flawless teeth peeking behind them. I wrenched my eyes away from his mouth, turning my gaze at his eyes once again.

"Just a memory," I whispered. His eyes were curious, playful. He opened his mouth to ask something, but turned his head abruptly towards the house, hearing something that my human senses weren't able to pick. He snorted quietly.

"Alice is getting impatient," he chuckled. Then with one swift movement, he was out of the car and was already opening my door. I unbuckled my seatbelt and shivered as the crisp air blowed inside the car. Carlisle grabbed my arm as I balanced myself out. My vision suddenly blackned as a dizzy spell came over me, and I fumbled with my other hand to find something to hold on to.

My other arm was also grabbed as Carlisle held me up. I tried to blink the dizziness away, shaking my head to get rid of the fog. Slowly my vision returned, and I realised that my face was two inches from Carlisle black coat, and I was almost leaning into his chest.

"Sorry," I muttered as I glanced upwards at his face. His biceps were cool and hard under my grasp. "I just got up too fast, that's all." I took a deep breath as Carlisle loosened his hold of me, but didn't let go. His golden eyes imprisoned me and I couldn't move; I didn't want to. The thought startled me.

His cool sweet breath sweeped my face as he watced me; the body pressed against mine was like marble, and radiated coolness through my clothing.

"Bella," he breathed. His eyes were a shade darker than usually. I had to inhale a bit; when had I stopped breathing? This moment was so full of feeling that for a moment I forgot where we were.

Suddenly his lips quirked and he threw a bored glance at the house again, once more listening to something that I couldn't hear. It was probably Alice grumbling about how we kept them waiting.

I felt like I should be blushing, and took a hasty step backwards. It was inappropriate to stand so close to him. Carlisle let his hands fall from my arms.

It made me feel oddly ragged. Empty.

The cold made me shudder. Carlisle noticed this and started to lead me quickly towards the front door, making sure that I didn't fall down; the stone steps of the porch were quite icy.

The front door was almost entirely made of glass, and it had frames made of silky dark wood. I had an urge to brush it with my fingers.

Before Carlisle had the chance to step up and turn the knob, it flew wide open and a tiny woman with raven black spiky hair was bouncing on the threshold.

"You're finally here!" Alice chirped, unable to contain her enthusiasm. "Come on, get inside!" she hurried us and stepped backwards to give us space to enter. "Give me that, Jasper," she said as Carlisle beckoned me to step further.

My eyes searched the small lounge as I heard the name 'Jasper'. I managed to get a short glimpse of him over Alice's shoulder before she covered my vision with a blue wool blanket, wrapping it around me.

I welcomed the blanket. I got easily chilly even if I wasn't outdoors, and it had been almost freezing outside. I curled inside the blue material, gripping the edges of it to keep the warmth inside.

"Thanks, Alice," I tried to mumble between my chattering teeth.

Her white smile was brilliant and genuinely happy as her soprano voice sounded in the room. "It was Jasper's idea. He thought you might be cold," she said and turned around to send a kiss to his mate.

I stepped sideways to see the leonine, fair-haired man behind Alice.

He was leaning against a wall, his hands thrust into the pockets of his pants; it made him look more casual and carefree. The Jasper I had known had always been tensed up and serious. I had never seen him when he was relaxed - this was a nice change. I knew he was searching my mood and my feelings at the moment, trying to figure out if he had traumatized me the last time we had seen each other.

"Thank you, Jasper," I said and flashed him a small smile. It felt weird to smile so much; I wasn't used to it anymore. But it felt nice to smile without that it felt like some sort of a task.

And for a moment, I felt like I actually had a reason to smile.

A cool hand touched my shoulder, although I didn't really know if it was cool or not. The blanket sealed in the warmth quite well. But I knew those hands, and they were not just cool hands to me anymore. They were Carlisle's hands.

And I turned to look at him.

He had stepped to stand beside me, looking relieved and contended that the reunion with Jasper was going so well. I was surprised myself - I had feared that it would be a lot more awkward seeing them again. Of course I had already seen Alice at the hospital, but her visit had been so short, and I had been barely conscious because I had been so sick.

Jasper's low voice cut the silence and made me take my eyes off Carlisle.

"It's good to see you again, Bella." His tone was polite, maybe a little cautious. But his golden eyes were warm, and I knew that he meant it.

"It's nice to see you too, Jasper," I smiled and nodded at him. I heard Alice clearing her throat meaningfully, almost teasingly. I chuckled and turned to her.

"And it's always a pleasure to see you, Alice," I kept my tone a little bit cooler, just to annoy her. But a small smile still played on my lips.

Alice rolled her eyes exasperatedly, and she stepped closer to guide me further into the house.

"Well what are you waiting for," she warbled. "Come on, I'll give you a tour!" With that, she wrapped her arm around my shoulder and started to lead me down the hall. I glanced over my shoulder.

Carlisle had stayed next to Jasper, and he was nodding at me reassuringly.

The first room Alice dragged me to was the living room. The floor was made of dark wood, and a huge fair-coloured and fluffy carpet was covering the sitting area. The corner couches and the armchairs were dark brown.

One of the walls was completely made of glass, and it looked like the room opened into the forest.

The crackling sound drew my gaze to the white fireplace. The sparks spattered as the flames consumed the firewood. The room was very cozy, even more than that; it felt very homelike.

"What do you think?" Alice's voice rang in the room, her voice subtle and delicate comparing to the spitting and crackling of the fire.

"It's very nice," I answered thruthfully. "Did you do all this?" I asked as my palm swiped the coarse surface of the cream-coloured stone wall. The walls brought a nice contrast to the dark floors. I didn't know anything about decorating, but I could see that the room was very refined and tasty.

Alice was on her rant-mode.

"Most of it. Carlisle had brought the armchairs and the carpet before we arrived with Jasper. But I wanted to paint the walls and I did _try_ to ask their opinion about the rest of the furniture and the coloring - ," At this point she threw a furious glance at the wall behind her, knowing that Carlisle and Jasper could easily hear her, " - but it's like they don't even care. I don't understand them. Bella, you have no idea how good it is to have another woman in the house."

Her last sentence seemed to be joking and innocent, but in her eyes I could see that there was a lot more behind that statement. For a moment I wanted her to contain her thrill; it's not like I was staying. At least not today. And I certainly would not preach to Carlisle and Jasper about their lack of interest in decorating.

I felt Alice tugging at my arm; she wanted to continue the tour. It felt odd how natural all this was. I had expected that being here, seeing Jasper and Alice again, would feel awkward and oppressive. But it didn't, at least not yet. Alice was Alice, the same annoying but wonderful person that I had once befriended with.

But there still was a dark cloud above our heads, a shadow that followed us, haunting and crowding. We weren't the same; but maybe, we someday would be.

Her black locks bounced as she steered me towards the staircase, and I stopped for a second to evaluate the steps with my gaze. There weren't that many of them. Maybe there was a chance I could get to the second floor without stumbling or passing out.

"Go on," Alice spurred me on as I took the first step. I had to take the blanket off my shoulders so I could get my hands mobile and grab the railing. My other hand squeezed the railing as the other still held the soft material, and I shivered a bit when the warmth escaped.

I heard Carlisle's voice from the living room door.

"Take it easy, Alice," he warned her. At least there was one person in this house who knew exactly how weak my health state was.

The second floor contained only a few rooms. They could have all been bedrooms if a normal family lived here, but Alice had turned them into lounges. There were couches, small tables, shelves and ledges which were covered with books and magazines. The colors were similiar to the ones in downstairs.

When we got to the third floor, I had to announce that I needed to sit down for a moment. My ears had started to ring and my heart was pounding. I had been up a lot today, and it was taking it's toll. Alice led me to sit down on one of the benches that rested on the hallway.

As I catched my breath, I felt cool fingers tugging the blanket from my hand, and spreading it better around me. At first I thought it was Alice, but then I realised that she was sitting on the other side of me. I glanced at the person wrapping the blanket around my shoulders; of course Carlisle had heard that I was feeling a little off. He had gotten up here so fast that I hadn't even noticed him.

"I'm okay," I reassured him, already seeing the doubt and regret in his eyes for bringing me so far away from the hospital when I was in such a bad shape. His lips were tightly pressed together, worry evident on his face. "I just needed a short break," I insisted. I didn't want to go back to the hospital yet; I was sure that he would make me stay in bed with an IV strapped into my wrist.

"If you are certain," he said quietly, still hesitating. I nodded, looking at Alice as if wanting to reassure them both.

Alice seemed also worried. I guess the state of my condition had surprised her. That would be the first one - surprising someone who had the ability to see the future was quite challenging.

I felt a wave of calm surge over me, and felt instantly relaxed. So did Carlisle and Alice, apparently, because their tensed shoulders dropped suddenly and both of their heads turned to the direction of the staircase. I followed their gaze, now spotting Jasper standing on the top of the stairs.

Carlisle rose slowly and brushed my shoulder with his palm quickly. The gesture was innocent and swift, but it seemed to contain all his concerns and anxieties he couldn't give a voice to. I felt guilty for making him feel this way; why did I always had to be a bother to the others around me?

Before descending the staircase with Jasper, he threw a warning glance at Alice.

"I won't strain her," she promised, and I rolled my eyes. It was annoying when other people discussed about me as if I wasn't even present.

After Carlisle had left, I got up slowly, wrapping the blanket around me more tightly, determined to continue our tour. Alice hopped from the bench and began to lead me down the hallway.

The third floor contained four big rooms, and it was obvious that this floor belonged to Alice and Jasper - one of the wardrobes was bigger than a baseball field. It was very Alice; aside from the amount of clothes, she had chosen different colors for this floor. The decor was more colourful and vivid, but still subtle and sophisticated.

Alice offered to carry me to the fourth floor. I knew it would have been more easy that way, but I was too proud, and insisted on walking myself.

The hallway of the fourth floor was very similiar than the rest of them in the house. The walls were cream-colored and the doors were made from dark wood. I wanted to brush my fingers against the material to find out if was as smooth as it seemed. But then something else got my attention as I saw a familiar ornament hanging on the light wall above a door. It was the wooden cross that had belonged to Carlisle's father.

It seemed like forever when I had first seen that object, and heard the story of Carlisle's past.

"This is Carlisle's study, as you may guess," Alice said as he opened the heavy door. A familiar scent greeted me; it was the one you could smell in the library, or in a some sort of an archive. It was the smell of books, paper and ink, and I remembered how much I had loved that smell one time.

Carlisle's study was a bit smaller than I had expected. It wasn't tiny - the room was a good size but he seemed to have struggled to get all his books to fit in. Familiar paintings covered one wall, and my eyes seeked the one with the chaos of people, the four god-like figures standing on the balcony.

I wrenched my eyes away. The painting brought too many memories. I turned away from the wall, eyeing the rest of the room.

Carlisle had a huge desk made of dark wood, and there were dozens of books piled on it. I wondered if he was in the middle of reading them all, or maybe the desk functioned as a temporary depository.

After a moment Alice whisked me back to the hallway, and we peeked into the three other rooms that looked like guest rooms. Altough it was unlikely that they would have any sleepovers with anyone.

The room at the end of the corridor impressed me. It had to be Carlisle's room, and Alice confirmed it.

"This is where Carlisle comes if he feels like sulking," she quipped, and I had to wonder if she was joking or serious.

The room had a nice, mysterious atmosphere in it. Maybe the reason was the dark blue color. One wall wasn't blue, and it was made of glass, dark curtains covering it partly. I watched the darkening afternoon through it.

The forest and the mountains looked dangerous and uninviting; this place felt a lot more isolated in the twilight. But of course the Cullens didn't mind the solitude. Their home was like a sanctuary for them.

My legs worked on their own accord as they took me to the bookshelf; a row of photographs had captured my attention. There was a large picture of people - or vampires - that I didn't recognize. But I knew they must be vampires - their pale skin and indescribable beauty confirmed it.

"The Denali coven," Alice answered to my unspoken question. I had heard of them before, remembering that they were good friends with the Cullens. So good that they considered each other as cousins. "Tanya, Kate, Irina..." Alice's pale finger brushed the row of three blonde women, and then moved to a dark haired-man and woman standing behind them. "... Eleazar and Carmen. We have lived with them a few times."

I nodded in silence, my eyes sweeping the rest of the pictures.

From the group of familiar faces I recognized the two that weren't here anymore. A surge of panic filled me, and I had to take a deep breath to calm myself. Too many smiling faces stared at me from the frames, clueless, that someday they would not all be here.

I cleared my throat and turned away, not looking at Alice.

"It's a nice house," I commented, trying to set my mind to something else.

"It is," she said shortly and quietly. My reaction after seeing Esme's and Edward's pictures hadn't gone unnoticed. I tightened the blanket around me.

"Let's go downstairs," she offered suddenly. "You haven't seen the kitchen yet." Her voice had the cheery tone back.

Going down three flights of stairs was no big deal for a healthy person. It was even possible to run them down and maybe not even get breathless. But it was a pure agony to me; my joints were on fire and I was tired. I knew that Alice was more than willing to carry me all the way down, but for some reason I didn't want her to. Accepting help was like giving in to something.

As if I hadn't given in a long time ago.

Carlisle's and Japer's quiet conversation sounded from the kitchen. The chatter was mixed with a sound of boiling water; it made me frown in confusion.

The kitchen was as spacy and open as the rest of the house, fully equipped even though it was unlikely that they used it. But now Carlisle had found something to do with the stove; he held a small pan in his hand, and the sound of boiling received an explanation.

"Please sit down," he said pleasantly and gestured towards the table. "Did you like the house?" he asked conversationally as he took the teabag Jasper offered to him, and poured the water in a black mug.

A group of vampires making tea was a scene I wasn't expecting.

"Yeah," I answered as Jasper pulled me a chair and I sat down. I nodded him a thanks. "It's very nice. I like the colors."

The truth was that I liked everything. The house was nothing I had expected, and still it was everything that I had imagined. "And the scenery is awesome," I added, worried that they would be insulted if I was so curt with my words. I glanced at the window to see the snowy forest, but all I could see was blackness. The sun had set, and taken the light with it.

"I am glad you enjoy it," Carlisle hummed as he set the steaming mug in front of me. The tea smelled wonderful; the scent was warm and spicy.

"Drink. You'll feel more warm." His pale fingers pushed the mug closer. I grabbed it with both hands, enjoying the warmth it provided.

"Thank you," I muttered and glanced at Carlisle and Jasper. They both smiled, and Carlisle sat down next to me.

The tea tasted as good as it smelled. I took small sips, careful not to burn my tongue. Alice carried a bunch of candles to the table and lit them up, humming a tune I didn't recognize. She looked utterly happy, her face reflecting peace that I had never seen before in her. Jasper threw a curious, partly amused glance at her.

"So, Bella..." Alice's tone was devious, and I recognized the signs immediately; she was up to something. Everytime she had that face she was planning something unpleasant. I looked at her mutely. "What are you going to do on Christmas?"

I congratulated myself silently for guessing right, and rolled my eyes.

I had forgotten the whole Christmas; I didn't even know what day it was now. I wished that the particular period of time was already over. My last few Christmases had been lonely. And I didn't enjoy the fussing around and hustling in any case.

"Nothing," I said, trying to sound determined. Whatever Alice had in mind I would not tolerate.

Alice's nimble fingers arranged the candles to a straight line.

"I was hoping that you'd spend it with us. In here," she said quietly. Now her tone was nothing I had expected. I had thought she would be persuasive, almost demanding for me to stay. But she sounded pleading, almost humble. A silent grief and sadness flickered in her golden eyes, and with a pang of guilt I realised that she must be missing Edward and Esme; her family would never gather together under the same roof again. Christmas or no Christmas.

"I don't know about that," I said, getting very uncomfortable. I tried to breathe slowly to get rid of all the feelings inside.

Jasper's low voice almost startled me then.

"You shouldn't feel guilty, Bella."

I lifted my gaze from the mug to the tall man standing on the other side of the table. I didn't know what to say, and whatever they said to me wouldn't make the feelings go away.

Jasper's amber eyes held my gaze relentlessly. I wanted to disagree and argue - I had every reason to. But I couldn't get my mouth open. And what good would arguing do; Jasper would say the same things Carlisle had. That I am not the one to blame, that I'm also a victim here, being left alone by them five years ago and so on.

"I've never had the chance to apologize to you what almost happened on that evening." Jasper's voice was coarse, determined as he spoke. "But now I have the chance, and I want to say how sorry I am for trying to attack you, and I am ashamed because of my behaviour. If it wasn't for me we wouldn't have left."

I was shaking my head even before he had finished.

"That's not true," I protested. "What happened was only because of my own clumsiness. You just reacted the way that was most natural to you. If it wasn't for _me - _," I stressed my last word heavily. " - you wouldn't have felt the need to leave."

Jasper was frowning, shaking his head in disagreement.

"Bella, that is not - ," his Southern accent was heavy in the air as I cut him off.

"Yes it is!"

"No, you can't - ,"

Carlisle's voice was full of strain and authority as his voice rumbled, drowning ours easily.

"Stop it, both of you."

A dead silence fell, and he didn't even have to raise his voice. I refused to look at the man sitting next to me, lowering my gaze to the table. Sudden tears burned in my eyes, and I tried to blink them away furiously.

It took me a moment to get myself under control. When the moistness had disappeared from my eyes, I dared to look at Carlisle.

He was staring at me intently, waiting until our eyes connected. He held my gaze for a moment, as if making sure that I was paying attention. Then he turned his ochre eyes to Jasper. He started to speak, and none of his words went unnoticed by the people in the room.

"I know that there are matters we would be glad to change, so that all would be better today. I know that we all have regrets, and we wish that we could have dealt with things differently. But the truth is, that we can't change what has happened. Life has dealt us these cards, and our only choice is to play."

His words reminded me of what he had once said to me; _"Like everything in life, I just had to decide what to do with what I was given."_

Easier said than done.

"We have to get past our guilt," he continued. "We all mourn for Edward and Esme, but they would not want us to feel guilty, and loathe ourselves for the rest of our existence. We will never forget them, and that way they will live forever."

His words rang in the room. I let my gaze wander, looking at Jasper and Alice. Their expressions reflected sadness and wistfullness; almost acceptance. It would still take a long time for me to get there, to accept.

"We have to stick together," Alice said quietly. Carlisle and Jasper nodded agreeingly.

I dropped my gaze to the wood of the table once more, feeling the piercing gazes of the three vampires on me. I knew what they were thinking; would I want to stick together with them? For all eternity? They were waiting for my reaction, my answer. The answer I could't give them yet.

The silence continued, and Jasper must have sensed my constriction and discomfort because he attempted to lighten up the mood.

"Well, Bella. What do you say about the Christmas?" His eyes twinkled with golden warmth. It was a lot harder to say no to Jasper; I wondered the reason behind it. Was he messing up with my moods again?

"Maybe. We'll see," I mumbled. Alice started bouncing, as if I had already complied - which I had not.

"Bella, just say yes, please. I promise I won't make a big deal out of it. I promise that I won't fuss and we can just hang out and do nothing special."

My expression made Jasper and Carlisle laugh quietly, and I wondered how disbelieving my expression was. "Who are you and what have you done to Alice?" I asked, still not believing.

The table shuddered slightly as Carlisle held on to the edge with is hand, trying to suppress his laughter. I threw a disapproving glance at him. But I had to admit that it was nice to hear him laugh; the sound was intriguing.

"I don't know if they'll let me out of the hospital," I still tried to oppose.

Carlisle had his amusement under control, and started to reassure me. "I'm your personal doctor so my word counts the most. If you feel up to spending a couple of days outside the hospital and otherwise feel well, then there no reason to forbid it."

A sigh escaped from my mouth, and I glared angrily at the three beautiful creatures before me. I felt cornered and annoyed.

"You're ganging up on me," I accused. Alice shrugged and gave me a brilliant smile. Then she danced away from the room as I tried to burn her with my gaze.

Her voice chimed from the living room after a moment.

"We are out of firewood!"

Her thin frame glided back into the kitchen. "Could you guys go and get some more from the forest?" she asked, batting her eyelids innocently. Jasper nodded, and started to make his way to the door. He glanced over his shoulder. "You coming, Carlisle?" he inquired.

Carlisle hesitated. His eyes darted between Jasper and me, trying to figure out if it was safe to leave me for a few minutes.

"It's okay," I said. "Go with Jasper. I feel fine."

His golden eyes swept over me, trying to see the truth behind my words. He was reluctant to leave me, but nevertheless he got up and stopped to brush a lock of my hair behind my ear before turning away and walking to Jasper. The gesture made shivers ripple through me, and it wasn't for the cold.

"Make sure she eats something." He directed his words to Alice, once again like I wasn't even present. "We won't be long." With that, the two men were only a blur to the eye as they flashed out of the room.

"What day is it anyway?" I asked from Alice as she pushed a bowl of yoghurt before me. I nibbled it without any appetite.

"December 17th," she answered breezily.

As I tried to eat, I managed to work out deal with Alice. If, and that was a big if, I decided to spend the Christmas with them, there would be no exchange of presents and nothing else that was too cheery and fussy.

Alice agreed reluctantly. She must have really wanted me here, if I managed to persuade her to abandon everything unnecessary and futile.

After a few spoonfuls I started to feel nauseated, and pushed the yoghurt away. "Thanks, Alice, but I'm done," I informed her. She took the yoghurt and washed the bowl in the sink quickly.

We went to sit in the living room and Alice flicked the flatscreen on, leaving the sound quiet enough so it wouldn't bother our conversation. Then she poked the embers in the fireplace, urging me to take my shoes and coat off.

I let the sneakers fall on the floor next to the couch and folded my legs beneath myself. I left the coat on, not wanting to get cold.

I played back the earlier conversation that had taken place in the kitchen, remembering Alice's words when she had said that we should all stick together.

I let my curiosity to take over. "Alice," I began. She sat on the couch next to me, lifting her brows questioningly. "Where are Rosalie and Emmett? Will they be here for Christmas?" I tried to be casual, not sounding too worried.

Alice shook her head as she answered. "No, they are somewhere in Siberia and will be spending the Christmas there. It's not uncommon for them; they like to be in each other's company, just the two of them."

"How are they?" I asked. I felt a small relief that I didn't have to face Rosalie yet. I didn't know what to say to her.

"They are okay. They've been traveling a lot these past few years. I'm sure they'll visit us sooner or later." Her voice didn't seem worried, only carefree. Her eyes squinted as she peered me. "You worry about how they'll welcome you," she stated the obvious.

"How can I not," I muttered. "Rosalie has never been too fond of me." I lifted my shoulders to a shrug, fixing my unseeing gaze at the TV.

"Bella, you do know that..." Alice snapped her mouth shut and shook her head. "No, she has to be the one to tell you," she muttered to herself.

"Tell me what?" I queried.

"Never mind. Bella, I'm sure that the thought of seeing Rosalie makes you nervous. She was never really nice to you. But she had her reasons to act the way she did, even when she knew that she was being unfair to you." Alice took a short break to summon the words. "Rosalie seems to be very shallow and vain, but believe me when I say that she's a lot deeper than she indicates. Life hasn't been very easy on her, and you know how close she was with Esme. But I'm sure that she doesn't really feel that her death was your fault."

I listened silently, not wanting to disturb her.

"When she gets the chance, I'm sure that she tells you her story one day. Then you'll understand her better."

Edward had always told me that Rosalie resented to be a vampire, that she would have rather died than let Carlisle turn her. Carlisle had found her on the street one dark night, and it wasn't hard to guess what had happened to her. I had known that there was something else that Edward hadn't told me, and I truly wondered if Rosalie would someday tell me about her issues.

"If she gets the chance." I regretted my words immediately after they escaped my mouth.

Alice's eyes were sad and stern as she looked at me. She knew that I referred to my limited time to live.

"Why wouldn't she get the chance, Bella?" she demanded. "I know that Carlisle has asked you to join us. I understand that you hesitate the decision, and I know that you miss Edward." I flinched as I heard his name.

Alice looked apologizing and softened her tone. "We've lost so many, Bella. _You've_ lost so many. We can't lose you too. Can you imagine what it will do to Carlisle if you die now?" she pleaded.

Carlisle. For the last few weeks he had felt like a good friend to me. When I had first seen him again that night when he came to the hospital, and the next day when he had told what happened to Edward and Esme, he had ripped open my unhealed scars.

But day by day, he had also sewn those wounds closed; like the night of my birthday when he stitched up my arm, plucking out the shards of glass so that they wouldn't cause any more damage.

And I didn't want to cause any damage to him. I didn't want him to hurt.

"Did you know?" I suddenly asked. Alice looked at me, confused. "Did you see Carlisle's future beforehand? I mean, when he decided to move to Vancouver, did you see him bumping into me?"

Alice wore a small smile as she answered.

"Yes, I did. But I didn't tell him so he wouldn't hesitate and change the course of the future. You have no idea how crazy I was going during those weeks when I didn't hear from him. I knew that he had met you again, but decided not to inform the rest of us right away. I was so impatient." Her lips pursed up, as if holding a grudge towards Carlisle for making her wait for so long.

I snorted quietly. It would be nice to see a patient Alice someday.

My eyelids started to droop as sleepiness came over me. It had been a long day.

The couch was soft and warm under me when Alice pushed me gently down on it. I was out cold in a matter of seconds.

* * *

My sleep was dreamless and shallow, and then I noticed that the couch beneath me was harder than I rememberd. My head was tilted to my other shoulder and it made my neck ache. And what was that silent humming?

I cracked my eyes open a bit. Darkness.

I pulled myself a little straighter, and realised that I was sitting up. The headlights of a car sweeped the dark road on front of me.

I was in a car.

I tried to blink the sleep away as I glanced at the vampire driving the car. He had a small smile on his face and his eyes flared in the darkness.

"How long was I asleep?" I asked.

"Not very long. An hour maybe. It was getting late so I decided to take you back to the hospital." As I listented to his smooth voice I wondered if he had carried me back to the car. Probably.

I must have dozed off again because the next time I opened my eyes, the humming of the car had ceased, and Carlisle was shaking gently my shoulder.

I groaned. I couldn't recall the last time I had been so tired, and I started to fumble for the door handle to get out.

But Carlisle had already gotten out and was holding the door open for me. I would have probably slumped right away to the ground if he hadn't taken a hold of me. My legs felt like rubber; what was wrong with me?

I clung to his coat as he walked me across the dark parking lot. I knew he would have gladly carried me so I didn't have to walk when I was so exhausted, but it would have seemed weird if he came in carrying me in bridal style.

The journey to the elevators was slow and long, and I vaguely remembered my threat to use the stairs next time so I didn't have to endure the elevator ride. But I was too tired to care, and I didn't know if my legs would carry me fourteen flights of stairs.

Carlisle apparently came to same conclusion, because he pushed the elevator buttons briskly, as if to make it move faster. I pressed my face against his coat, startling awake every now and then. My eyes just couldn't stay open.

The hallway was silent as Carlisle steered me towards my room. Finally the door was opened, and he led me to the dark room. With my last ounce of strength I kicked the shoes off my feet and clambered into the bed.

As cold hands pulled the covers over me. I tried to thank him for letting me out of the hospital, but I couldn't summon the words to form any coherent sentence.

The last thing I realised was the brush of cold fingers near my jaw, and a pair of golden irises flashing in the darkness.

* * *

**A/N: **The quote

_"You're very welcome, Bella." Carlisle's step was measured, careful as he approached me. He raised his hand tentatively, and I stepped forward to shake hands with him._

_"It's nice to see you again, Dr. Cullen."_

_"Please, call me Carlisle."_

_"Carlisle." I grinned at him, my sudden confidence surprising me._

is from book Twilight. And the quote _"Like everything in life, I just had to decide what to do with what I was given." _is from New Moon. Both written by gorgeous Stephenie Meyer, not my property :)

I haven't started to write chapter 23 yet and it will take a few days. It might be done next week or then the next one after that.

Please review if you have any thoughts or questions :)


	23. Chapter 23: Safe

**A/N:  
**Hey.

This chapter describes my feelings a lot at this moment. I've heard what happened yesterday in Connecticut - I have no words how awful it is.

I want to thank you for your reviews. Every single one is important to me, let me tell you.

**Warnings:** This chapter has a little bit of angst in it and it contains some violence. It's not _too_ graphic but some of you may find it disturbing.

By the way. Before I started to write this story I drew a lot of emotions and feelings from music. There's one particular that describes this story and especially Bella's illness and feelings quite well. It's called Loss of a twin by Brian Tyler. You can find it on Youtube, I'll put a link in my profile.

If you wish, you can have it on the backround as you read this chapter :)

I'm working on chapter 24 and I'll probably post it during next week.

* * *

_**Does this darkness have a name? **_

_**This cruelty, this hatred. **_

_**How did it find us, **_

_**did it steal into our lives or did we seek it out and embrace it? **_

_**What happened to us **_

_**that we now send our children into the world**_

_**like we send young men to war, **_

_**hoping for their safe return **_

_**but knowing some will be lost along the way. **_

_**When did we lose our way? **_

_**Consumed by the shadows swallowed whole by the darkness. **_

_**Does this darkness have a name?**_

_**Is it your name?**_

-Lucas Scott, _One tree hill_-

* * *

BPOV

_The dark forest surrounds me._

_Where should I go? I don't know the right direction. Wherever I look, I only see trees and bushes; even the sky is covered with shadows._

_I'm afraid._

_I start to roam; what else can I do? I can't stay. The darkness is clawing me, sinking it's sharp talons into my mind and body. The ground is covered with white snow, but it doesn't manage to brighten up my surroundings. I glance behind me as I saunter._

_I haven't left any footsteps._

_Am I dead? Am I a ghost?_

_I don't have time to worry about that for long. A horrendous scream pierces the silence and makes me wince. The sound is awful, inhuman._

_Who's screaming? _

_My trembling legs take me forward, towards the sound. I don't want to go there, but I can't stop myself. I want to turn around and run as fast as I can; away from the screams. Away from the darkness. I don't want to see who's making such a horrible sound._

_But I walk. Through the bushes and trees, into the darkness. _

_I'm choiceless._

_The screams are louder now, closer. A veil of dusky tree branches covers my vision, prevents me from seeing what's behind; like a stage curtain._

_Should I walk through the veil? Am I brave enough?_

_I take two steps forward. And what I see behind the branches and ferns makes me fall to the ground on my knees. The screaming stops._

_His voice rumbles and makes the ground shudder, along with myself. His eyes, no more golden and honey that I had gotten so used to, are now pitch black with rage, as are the eyes of the woman beside her. They stand above me, judging and condemning._

_And I know I deserve the worst punishment that there is to give._

_My gaze falls to the white ground._

_I want to apologize - who knows if this is the only chance for me to do it? I might not get a second one. But my throat is constricting, no sound coming out._

_"Look what you have done."_

_His smooth voice makes me jump; the voice is calm with contained fury, but it's loud and makes my ears and head ache._

_The woman with the hair of caramel speaks now; the voice is as cold and loud as the man's beside her._

_"This is your fault."_

_My nails are digging into the snow. It's cold and it hurts my fingers. But the pain gives me focus; I lift my gaze to the two persons in front of me. I'm shuddering so bad that my teeth are chattering. It makes the words get tangled together, barely understandable._

_"I'm sor.. sorry, Edward..."_

_I want to say Esme's name also, but I have no air left. My chest is convulsing, lungs trying to force the air into my system. But I'm suffocating._

_Suddenly someone drags them away; I'm glued to the cold ground and all I can do is to sit and watch in horror. The screams start again, and this time another sound mingles with the screams; the sound of sickening crunching and snapping as the bodies and limbs are ripped to pieces. I squeeze my eyes closed, refusing to look. My palms seek my ears, trying to block the sound._

_But it's like I'm supposed to see and hear; even with my eyes closed I can see the scene before me as someone rips them in pieces. And there's no way to block the sound; it echoes and resonates in my head, taunting, whispering, screaming..._

_"Your fault! Your fault!"_

_But of course this isn't enough._

_Someone calls out a name, a voice I haven't heard in years. Whose name is that voice calling? It has a familiar sound to it. Is it my name? _

_I have to look._

_No blood was spilled after Edward and Esme; only a pile of smoking limbs rest before my eyes. Edward's cold, dead eyes stare at me accusingly._

_I'm numb._

_My eyes sweep the scenery, tired of seeing, tired of feeling. What would I give to be blind right now, to be deaf. What would I give to be lifeless._

_Anything._

_Someone calls my name again, desperately. My eyes start to follow a bloody trail._

_And I see them._

_Charlie. Renée. Phil._

_Lying in the snow, motionless and bleeding._

_And I run._

_I try to escape; it's what I've been doing for the past few years. It's all I can do, I have no other way to survive. _

_But I have nowhere to go._

_No place is safe enough._

_The branches hit against my face as I stumble through the darkness. But the voices won't leave me alone._

_ I can never escape them._

_The screams howl in my ears, and I scream back in horror. Their rumbling voices are chanting, whispering, but still shouting so loud that it hurts._

_"Your fault!"_

_I stumble and the darkness takes me._

_I can't escape._

* * *

My eyes wrenched open.

The sheets were tangled up in my legs, and my hands hurt. I was squeezing them into fists so hard that it ached. A ripple ran through me and made me shudder. Tears spilled from my eyes, wetting my cheeks. I heard them spattering on the the pillow.

My gasps of breath echoed in the room. Suddenly the space seemed too small; the walls were creeping in, shrinking and squeezing me in between them...

I kicked the sheets to get rid of them, dropping myself on the floor. It was hard as my knees and elbows collided with it, leaving burning grazes behind.

Getting up was difficult, and I vaguely realised that my legs didn't carry me.

So I crawled.

The bathroom seemed to be too far away; would I make it before breaking down? My trembling hands grabbed the edge of the door, tugging it open, and somehow I managed to coax myself inside.

The knob and the lock were too high. I couldn't reach them. With my last strength I pushed myself up, leaning heavily against the doorframe and dragged to door closed. The lock clicked. The sound was sharp in the silence.

No one couldn't see me like this.

I was hugging the wall, trying to stay upwards in the dark bathroom. I needed to get as far as I could...

My sweaty palms groped the wall and brushed the light switch. It was suddenly too bright; a sharp pain shot through my head and my stomach twicthed.

The sink felt like ice beneath my trembling palms. It was slippery, and it took all I had to keep myself upwards, leaning heavily against the white ceramic.

Then I realised that someone was staring at me.

Black eyes bored into mine as I looked at the figure; the glare was unceasing, frightened, laced with anger and wrath, and with a dozen of other emotions. The creature looked ferocious; inhuman.

Then I realised that I was staring in a mirror.

Inhuman.

_"Your fault!"_

My fist collided with the brittle material, shards of glass shattering and dropping on the floor and into the sink loudly. I expected the pain; I wanted the pain. The red liquid oozed from my white knuckles, messing and staining.

I waited.

But the only pain I could feel was the one in my chest; the pain that was never gone completely, the pain that had never had the chance to heal.

The floor was tilting. I faltered, pushing myself away from the sink, leaning into the cool wall.

I had to get away.

Suddenly the darkness fell all around me. I vaguely realised that I had leaned into the light switch. Something warm trickled down my hand.

I didn't even realise than my legs had given out, but the dull ache in my knees releaved it. I was crawling again, trying to escape...

Finally I found a corner.

The tiles were cold and hard under me as I curled tightly into a ball, trying to keep the voices and walls away... The sobs wrenched my gut, and my throat burned. Sweat trickled down my forehead, combining with the salty tears.

_"Your fault!"_

The voice made me pant and heave, and I had to cover my ears with my hands, trying to banish the angry voice. But it didn't help; I was still not deaf to those sounds.

I could vaguely hear the frantic knocking from the door. Someone was calling out and yanking the handle, trying to get the door open.

_Just leave me alone._

A beam of light sweeped the white floor as someone pushed the door open forcibly; I could see the light through my closed eyelids.

_Don't let it be him_, I begged in my mind. _Don't let him see me like this._

With the beam of light came the cool touch. Hands were tugging at my wrists, trying to rip the palms off my ears. The grip was strong, and I was powerless against it.

A ripping sound reverberated in the dim bathroom as my hands were yanked away from my ears; I had difficulty to place the noise. The sound was rough and hoarse, shrilling and high-pitched.

Then I realised that it was me; I was making those ripping sounds. It made my temples pang with pain. The accusing whispers were creeping from the darkness, blaming and taunting; a loud wail escaped from my sore throat, making me flinch. Even my own voice made me quail, and my trembling palms pressed against my ears, trying to block every sound.

Is this how it felt like to be crazy?

Someone was prying my fingers, trying to twist my hands away from my ears. I shook the cool fingers away, shoving at them, pushing him back. He didn't understand, he couldn't hear the voices...

But he was relentless, and refused to let go. I felt a quick yank; it was rough and gentle at the same time. I realised that he had pulled me upwards into his lap. His cool and strong arms wrapped around me, keeping me intact. My nails dug into the hard skin in his neck. A velvety, hushing voice whispered words in my ear; his breath was cool and it made me shiver even more.

"Shh," he cooed. "You're safe. Breathe, Bella."

I tried to obey, but I couldn't remember how my lungs worked; my ribcage spasmed as I tried to draw breath. The trembling didn't cease; it intensified as I dug my aching fingers in the white coat.

How could he tell me that I was safe? Nothing was safe, no place in this world was safe - safety was an illusion, deceptive being that convinced you that everything was alright. And when you started to believe in it, blindly putting all your faith and trust in it, it turned around and racked and mauled you until there was nothing left...

But would he lie to me?

"Shh," he murmured again. His other hand slid from my back to my neck, tangling in my hair. I tightened my grip; a sharp pain stabbed through my other fist. But I didn't care. If he told me that I was safe, I wanted to believe him. This was safety, he was safety.

Safe.

My eyes were sore; I had no tears left.

He inhaled deeply against my neck, and pulled gently back to search my face. His golden eyes were scanning quickly for injuries. I couldn't look him in the eye for long. I didn't want to see the fear and worry there.

His cold hand grasped quickly to my right one. At first I didn't realise why he gripped so tightly and hard. But then I saw the red stain on the white fabric of his coat, and my gaze dropped to my hand which he was pressing with his palm.

His white skin was stained with the blood that trickled from my hand. Then I remembered; I had broken the mirror.

Wordlessly, he wrapped his other arm behind my back and lifted me up gently. He had to let go of my injured hand in order to carry me properly; with a blur he had whisked to my bed, sitting me down on the edge. He made me squeeze my knuckles with my other hand to prevent the bleeding; it felt slick and clammy. I tried not to breathe. The smell would be awful.

Carlisle was efficient and brisk as he collected all the supplies from the drawers and cabinets, setting them on a moveable metallic table. Then he sat down next to me, turning on the bedside lamp, and inspected my hand carefully.

When he reached out for a pair of tapered tweezers on the table, I focused my stare on his face.

His honey blonde hair shone in the light like a halo; he was closest to an angel that anyone could get.

I hissed a bit as he pulled a tiny shard of glass from my knuckle. His golden eyes turned to me; I couldn't read his expression. Was he angry with me for constantly causing him worry?

He turned to my hand again, wiping the wound with an antiseptic swab. I gritted my teeth as it made the skin burn, this time I refusing to make a sound.

The cuts obviously weren't too deep so that they would need sticthes, because his cold fingers started to wrap a gauze around my hand.

"Some people say that the shards bring good luck."

His voice was as smooth as always, but his tone difficult to interpret. He didn't sound angry, only worried and pensive.

"Breaking a mirror doesn't," I answered quietly.

He finished wrapping the gauze, tying it up neatly around my wrist. Then he took a washcloth and and walked over to the sink, wetting it briskly. He wiped his hands clean and walked back to me, sitting down. At first I didn't realise why but then he started to clean my hands also; I had forgotten I had blood all over my palms.

After cleaning my hands he regarded me with his gaze, and this time I couldn't make myself look away.

"Would you tell me what happened?"

I didn't want to; I knew he wouldn't push me to tell anything. And I didn't exactly know what had happened. I've had those moments before when I had almost lost control. There was nothing specific that triggered them, but this time there had been. The nightmare of Edward and Esme, and Charlie... Renée... Phil...

I flinched as the images of the dead bodies and ripped limbs banged into my mind, swallowing the bile that rose in my throat.

_"Your fault."_

The voice was more quiet now. It didn't shout into my ear; it was whispering and it made me feel even more disturbed.

"Nothing happened." My voice was hoarse and feeble, and it made Carlisle frown. He opened his mouth to say something, and I wrenched my eyes away from his.

His voice was gentle but firm as he spoke. "Maybe you should talk about it, Bella. It would help you." I shook my head briskly. Talking wouldn't make me feel any better. It wouldn't erase all the memories, all the mistakes.

_"Your fault."_

My palms rose to my ears again, even if I knew it wouldn't help. The wound stinged beneath the bandage. I drew in a shuddering breath.

"Bella?"

I heard Carlisle's voice from somewhere far away. His hands wrapped around my wrists as he yanked my hands gently down to my lap. He held them there, and I couldn't resist. I was too weak.

Something cold touched my chin. He had released my other wrist and lifted his fingers to my face, turning me to look at him. I didn't want to. But he gave me no choice, forcing me to look inside those deep golden eyes.

"Nothing happened," I insisted, trying to sound convincing. His golden irises penetrated me; for a moment I felt like he was looking directly into my soul. I felt naked under his gaze.

I leaned away from him, trying to get him to release my chin from his gentle grasp. But he was unyiedling, and I couldn't escape his eyes.

"Don't hide from it, Bella," he whispered. "You cannot avoid it forever. Someday you have to face the grief and the pain and deal with it. Otherwise it won't leave you alone. It will haunt you, consume you."

A part of me wanted to smack him, another part of me wanted to run away from him. A tiny corner of my broken heart knew he was right; that I should listen.

My gaze fell to my lap; suddenly I was ashamed.

The words slipped through my cold lips before I could stop myself.

"It was a nightmare."

His fingers fell from my chin and his hand settled onto my shoulder; without words he was telling me he was here. That he would listen. That he wouldn't judge me.

That little corner of my damaged heart was still in control of my lips.

"It was dark and cold and... I saw _them..._"

I didn't have to say anything else. As I glanced into his eyes I knew he understood.

"Bella," he whispered. His eyes glistened suddenly with venom, and it startled me a bit; had I made him sad? The pain in his eyes made me lower my gaze again. I studied my bandaged hand, like it was the most fascinating thing in the whole world.

Something dripped onto my blue hospital pants. The fabric absorbed the salty tear quickly. I swiftly wiped my cheeks dry.

Carlisle pulled me to him, gently wrapping his long arms around my thin shoulders. I leaned into him, inhaling deeply. His scent was intoxicating. Calming. His fingers were in my hair again, caressing the back of my head gently. He seemed to relax against me, also drawing a deep breath against my ear. Was he smelling my hair?

The thought gave me tingles and made my stomach flutter, making me go through emotions that I couldn't give a name to. Feelings I couldn't face.

Carlisle's soft tenor was quiet in my ear. "I miss them as much as you do. I know this is difficult for you; you only didn't lose Edward and Esme but also your parents. No one should go through so much pain." He pulled away gently, holding his hands on my shoulders. I fixed my gaze to his name tag on his chest.

"Look at me, Bella."

How could I refuse when he pleaded that way?

I lifted my gaze slowly to his honey-colored eyes.

His speech was slow and heartfelt, and I realised that I could sit here forever only to listen him talking. Watching the way his lips moved as he stressed a certain syllable of the word. How his eyes flared every now and then; they bore so many emotions that I couldn't even begin to decipher them all.

"You don't have to be alone anymore, Bella. I know the burden of loss, and no one should carry it alone. But you were forced to. But from this day forth, I will do everything in my power to make it up to you."

He was speaking so earnestly, his gaze was so devoted and intense, that I had no other choice but to believe him - to trust him. Trust was something I had lost a long time ago; to the people around me, to the world, to myself.

But I wanted to trust Carlisle; he was worth trusting.

"You don't have to make up for anything," I whispered, placing my hand on his forearms, stroking them gently. "You've done enough."

A sad smile lit his face as he shook his head, disagreeing. His golden eyes bored into mine as he leaned closer. My breath hitched as his cool lips touched my cheek, giving me a gentle kiss. His lips lingered, and once again he was drawing in my scent.

After a moment he pulled away, eyeing for my reaction. He seemed concerned that he had overstepped some invisible line.

I felt my cheeks burning as I gave him an awkward smile.

He relaxed visibly, his posture easing up. His eyes studied the bandage wrapped around my hand, making sure it was properly in it's place.

"Are you in any pain?" he inquired. "Did you hit your head in there?" He gave a nod towards the bathroom.

I was almost positive I hadn't hit my head. Those minutes in the bathroom were vague in my memories. A pure panic veiled them; I had been very distraught.

I frowned and shook my head at him.

My answer didn't obviously convince him. His fingers started to probe my skull, looking for any bumps. When he found none, he lifted his index finger in front of my face.

"Can you focus your gaze in here?"

I stared at his pale finger as he moved it sideways, my eyes following. Carlisle seemed finally satisfied - apparently he had decided that I didn't have any brain damage. He got up from the bed and started to put away the the things he had needed while fixing up my hand. Then he walked into the bathroom, his steps graceful but still energetic; it still amazed me how beautiful their moves were.

He was probably wiping away the blood stains from the floor. After a few seconds I heard the shards of glass being swept in a pile. I was ashamed that he had to clean up after me - he could have asked the cleaning personnel to come and do it, but obviously he wanted to save me from that embarassment. Or then he didn't want everyone to know how crazy I really was. No one breaks a mirror without a reason. No one sane anyway.

But I wasn't sane.

My socked feet hit the floor as I pushed myself to stand up. I had to lean against the bed for a moment, waiting for the dizziness for pass. Then I teetered my way to the bathroom door.

Carlisle had heard me getting up and nearing the door, and he glanced up expectantly, his expression neutral. Almost all of the shards were in the trashcan already. The job was easy even without any tools - I guess and impenetrable skin was useful at times like these.

He dusted his hands together to get rid of the tiny crumbs of glass. "Go back to bed, Bella," he ordered gently.

"I wanted to help. It's not right that I make a mess and you have to clean up everything time after time."

His face softened, and there was a curious look in his eyes, as if he had just witnessed something tender and sweet. I frowned at him in response.

"Your help is not required. And I am quite finished here." He swiped the rest of the glass from the floor with a paper towel, making sure the floor was clean so I wouldn't step on any glass the next time I walked in there. Nothing escaped from his precise eyesight.

He strode over to me and led me back to the bed. I climbed on it, annoyed with myself.

There was a small plastic container on the bedside table and Carlisle reached out for it. He opened the lid and held the container out for me. I took it, glancing inside. Inside there were slices of a red apple. They smelled sweet.

"You missed your dinner this afternoon while you slept. The nurse left you these in case you woke up and found yourself hungry."

I glanced at the clock; it was nine thirty in the evening. My gaze dropped back to the pieces of the apple. I wasn't hungry.

Carlisle noticed that I wasn't particularly enthusiastic. "You should try to eat even a little. Just a small bite," he persuaded. I sighed, knowing that he wouldn't give up until he had seen me eat. I took a small bite from the fruit; the taste was too treacly.

"How's Alice and Jasper?" I asked to get him to stop scrutinizing me.

I hadn't had the chance to say goodbye to them last night. I remembered talking to Alice about Rosalie, and then I had apparently fallen asleep. Carlisle had carried me back to the car and driven me to the hospital.

"They are well. Alice told me that you're reconsidering the offer to spend the Christmas with us. With a few conditions," he chuckled, and his eyes twinkled teasingly. He seemed pleased that I seemed well enough to bargain with Alice about something.

I shrugged my shoulders, gnawing my second slice of the apple.

"I don't know." It still seemed unlikely to me that they wanted me around at all, let alone to spend the Christmas with them. I pushed the container back to Carlisle. "I can't eat this anymore. I'm not hungry enough."

He took the container and set it aside. Then he sat down on the bed and turned to me. "Bella," he said. "It would be wonderful to have you with us on Christmas. If you feel well enough you could stay several days. I can take a few days off so I can monitor your condition."

"Isn't it difficult to take time off during holidays? I mean... I don't want to put you in a difficult position when the hospital needs you here."

His smile was fond as he shook his head. "I've been working so much overtime during these weeks that my superiors can't argue with this matter. You worry too much, Bella."

I was running out of excuses. I don't know why I was so insecure about spending the holidays with them.

Carlisle was suddenly frowning, and he swallowed as if he had tasted something bitter. His gaze dropped to the bedcovers and he opened his mouth to say something.

"I realise..." He frowned again, searching for words. Disappointment was visible on his face for a short moment, and then it disappeared. His face was masked with a polite regret. "I understand if you don't wish to spend the holidays with us. If it makes you feel uncomfortable - ," he stopped and licked his lips, summoning for words once again.

Even if his face was serene and calm, he hadn't managed to keep the disappointment from his voice. I immediately felt bad for him; I hadn't meant that I didn't _want to _be with them, to be with him.

"Carlisle, I didn't mean that it would be unpleasant for me to spend a few days with you guys. I mean..." He lifted his gaze after hearing my words, looking doubting and hopeful at the same time. I took a deep breath, trying to free myself from his golden eyes. "I'll spend the Christmas with you, if you really want me there that much. If it means that much to you." My words didn't come out as I had wanted them to, but Carlisle seemed pleased in any case.

"Of course it means much to us, Bella. But I don't want you to feel obligated, or uncomfortable."

I chuckled quietly, imagining Jasper singing some cheery and annoying Christmas song to Alice.

"I guess I'll survive," I mumbled. "As long as Alice doesn't make me bake gingerbreads or anything."

A deep laughter rumbled from Carlisle's chest; I was glad to get such a reaction out of him. He didn't laugh nearly enough.

"I'll try to protect you from Alice's possible activities that she might be pursuing during Chritmas time," he chuckled. The light from my bedside lamp reflected in his eyes, setting them aflame.

"I appreciate it," I jested.

Something passed between us then, as we gazed into each other's eyes. The silence was comfortable as it continued, bringing peace and traquility to me; I hadn't had that sort of peace in a long time.

Eventually Carlisle smiled and broke our eye contact by pulling the covers on the bed. He ushered me to lie down.

"Does your hand hurt? I could get you some painkillers," he said as he spread the covers over me.

I shook my head; the ache wasn't so bad. It would probably feel worse tomorrow. "It feels fine," I insisted, shaking my head at his request. My eyes found a red spot on the sleeve of his pure white coat.

"I'm sorry that I stained your coat," I apologized sheepishly. He glanced at his arm where the fabric had absorbed the blood. I remembered how hard and cool his skin had been under my grasp, as I had clung to him during my moment of insanity; he had been the only constant thing to me in that moment. My touchstone.

He chuckled quietly at my apology. "Don't worry about it. I have another coat," he said as he started to take the stained garment off, revealing his standard pale blue button-down shirt along with the blue tie. "I better hide this in the laundry before Sally accuses me of abusing my patients," he bantered as he got up and folded the white coat in his hands.

I laughed at the mental image of the bustling nurse as she gave Carlisle a brisk interrogation about his bloody coat.

Carlisle's cold fingers startled me as he tucked a lock of my hair behind my ear gently. "Try to get some sleep," he whispered. I nodded mutely, worrying about the plausible nightmares that would accompany me during the night. Suddenly I wished he would stay.

But I knew he couldn't; he had other patients and responsibilities to take care of. And I was too proud to entertain a thought of asking him to stay.

The lamp on the table was turned off, and I could feel him pulling an extra blanket over me in the dark so I wouldn't get cold.

"Good night, Bella," his silky whisper sounded in the darkness.

"Night," I whispered back at him, hoping that my suppressed voice wouldn't concern him.

His steps were soundless as he moved to the door. A dim light sweeped the floor as he opened it and stepped outside. He seemed to hesitate to close it, peeking once more inside. His blonde hair glowed in the light.

Eventually he shut the door quietly, and left me in the darkness.

The blanket he had covered me with brought me no warmth.

My fingers touched the spot on my cheek he had kissed earlier; it tingled a bit, or maybe it was only my imagination.

It took me a moment until I fell asleep.

Not because of the fear of the nightmares, but because of the memory of Carlisle's cool lips on my skin.


	24. Chapter 24: Blank

**A/N: **The world didn't end. Yay.

* * *

_**Praise for the red dawn,**_

_**Grass that we walk upon,**_

_**Praise for the river's whispered tune.**_

_**Praise for the wind brother,**_

_**Praise for the earth mother.**_

_**Praise the father sun,**_

_**And sister moon. **_

-Muru's Chant, _Balto II: Wolf Quest_-

* * *

**Blank**

CPOV

This was not good.

The door of Bella's hospital room clicked shut quietly. I turned around, and made my way through the silent hallway. Her earlier behaviour made me worry; she clearly wasn't out of the woods yet.

I hadn't exptected her to be.

Then why had it been such a shock for me to near her room earlier this evening, smelling the floral scent of her flowing blood, hearing her desperate sobs and erratic heartbeat? I had tried to fight the panic that had almost consumed me when I had reached the bathroom door; she had locked herself in. Luckily the doors had safetylocks in case of an emergency - not that any kind of a lock would have stopped me from breaking in if I needed to get to her.

She had been curled up in the corner of the bathroom, having some sort of a panic attack. My heart had gone out to her - how had I longed to soothe her, to make the pain go away and repel the demons that persecuted her.

For some reason, she had broken the mirror. The cuts on her knuckles revealed it, along with the shards of glass scattered on the floor. She had been hysteric, hyperventilating. I had tried pry her hands away from her ears; it was almost as if a noise had harassed and troubled her - a noise I couldn't hear.

It had taken several minutes to make her calm down, and I had held her until the tears and shudders ceased. The gesture not only calmed her, but also myself. Having her in my arms was one of those rare things that brought peace to my tired soul. Knowing that in that moment when I held her, I would get to keep her close to me. That she was here, and I hadn't lost her.

I had carried her to the bed, cleaning the cuts and bandaging her hand. She had seemed to be better, and I started wondering if her visit to my house yesterday had triggered her anguish. I should have been relieved and satisfied that she was able to show emotions and reactions, even if they were so severe. Most of the time I had spent in the hospital with Bella, she had been very impassive. I knew she was trying to hide from her pain, refusing to deal with it. It wasn't healthy.

Eventually she had confessed having a nightmare about Edward and Esme. She had been reluctant to give me any details, and I knew there was more to her dream. One more thing added to the list of things she refused to tell me.

I wished she could find the will to trust me. But trust had to be earned, and I could only hope that someday I would earn Bella's trust.

I had given into my sudden urge to touch her as I had leaned closer, and given her a quick kiss on her cheek - the skin under my lips had been as smooth and soft that I had imagined it to be. The scent of her skin and blood brought me comfort, and I had greedily drawn in a deep breath.

Her heart had been beating fast and she had stopped breathing, and I had pulled away, worried that I had caused her to feel uncomfortable. A rosy blush had risen on her cheeks - it made her look lovely and healthy behind her illness. And it brought me memories of the girl I had met in Forks all those years ago. She still was the same girl, but so very different.

I was different, too.

I left my bloody coat to the laundry room of the hospital, and then made my way to my office, getting ready for the end of my shift. I should have been heading home, but I suddenly found it difficult to leave. What if she had another nightmare, and she had no one to soothe her?

I started to go through my paperwork, finishing it in minutes, leaving me with nothing to do. I grabbed my black coat from the rack and made my way to the hallway.

I decided to check on Bella once more before heading home. I needed to know that she was well.

I nodded politely at the two nurses who where walking on the hallway, bidding them a goodnight. But my mind was elsewhere; I found myself counting the steps to Bella's room.

When I reached her door, I stopped to listen.

Her breathing was slow and calm, and I was almost positive that she was asleep. I would have preferred her heartbeat to be slower; the fast pulse indicated that organ was under too much strain.

It made me worry. How long before her heart and body would give up?

How long until she would give up?

I turned the door handle quietly, and peeked inside the dim room.

I had promised myself a quick look to make sure that she was well, but of course it wasn't enough for me. Before I knew it, I had stepped inside and closed the door behind me, walking beside her without a sound.

She was curled up on her right side, her dark brown hair cascading down on her neck and shoulders. I couldn't fight the urge to graze the curls lightly with my fingers.

In that moment I felt drugged; I wanted to keep touching her. My fingers brushed the soft skin on her cheek over the same spot I had touched with my lips earlier this evening.

I suddenly felt disgusted with myself. What right did I have to be in her room at this hour, while she was oblivious of my presence and touches?

_You have no right,_ my conscience whispered to me. But the voice was stifled by another - the more selfish part of me argued and rationalized that she would never let me so close to her if she were awake. That I might as well stay, and hold on to this moment until it lasted.

Bella mumbled something in her sleep and shifted a bit. Had she sensed that I was here?

After a moment she sighed quietly. I pulled the blanket upwards so that it covered her better. Then I checked her bandaged hand, altough I couldn't smell any fresh blood. The cuts had stopped bleeding.

I turned around, and made my way to the door, throwing once last glance at the thin girl sleeping inside the dark room.

* * *

I switched on my cell phone as I made my way to the car. The thin layer of snow still hadn't melted, and it looked like the city of Vancouver would have a white Christmas after all.

I wondered how many calls I had missed from Alice. She had sent at least twenty text messages, and left a dozen voice mails on my cell. They were all the same; 'Call me when you get this', 'Turn on the damn phone!', 'You have to pick up right now'...

The last one didn't have so much tension in it. It only said 'Oh good, you found her.'

Alice had obviously seen Bella's distress in her visions, and had tried to inform me. I wondered if she made me carry a walkie-talkie with me from this day forward.

Not a bad idea.

The journey to home seemed short, and it made me wonder how could I make the night pass until my next shift tomorrow morning. It shocked me a little bit when I realised how much it bothered me to leave Bella everyday at the hospital. I knew I should trust the other doctors and nurses, and have faith in them, to trust that they would take a good care of her.

But everytime I closed her door and left, walked to my car and drove home, I felt like I left something behind.

Like I was giving something up.

I stopped the car in front of the house, cutting the engine. The silence didn't last long. Alice had already sprinted from the porch where she had been fidgeting and waiting for my arrival.

I opened the door and stepped out slowly to listen Alice's flood of words.

"I'm so sorry Carlisle, I didn't see it before it was happening! It was so sudden and I tried to call you but - ," I raised my hand to give a pat on her slender shoulder.

"No harm done, Alice. She will be fine."

Her face was wringed with guilt and regret as she looked at me. Jasper had come out of the house and wrapped Alice in his embrace from behind. Her figure seemed to relax a bit; Jasper was once again using his gift to calm her. In times like this his talent proved to be invaluable. I threw him a grateful glance.

"What caused her to be so upset?" Alice questioned. "Did she hurt herself badly?"

Jasper and Alice were both looking at me confusedly, waiting for answers.

"How much did you see in your visions?" I asked back.

"The vision was very sudden and vague..." Alice frowned and hesitated. "I saw Bella, and she seemed very upset, angry even. Then suddenly there were shards of glass everywhere and her hand was bleeding... that's when I tried to call you. I was about to leave to the hospital myself when I couldn't reach you, but then I was bombarded with images of you finding her in time." She fell silent and gazed at me expectantly.

I wondered how to properly explain the incident to them; I was confused myself.

"Apparently she had a very disturbing nighmare," I said as I started to move towards the front door with an unhurried human pace. "She was very upset when I found her. The mirror was broken for some reason, and the shards had cut her."

I said nothing more. I knew that I could trust Alice and Jasper, but for some reason I felt the need to protect Bella's privacy, to shield her.

"I wonder why she broke the mirror," Jasper drawled. It wasn't a direct question - it was Jasper's way of telling me that I didn't have to give him an answer if I felt that I was not comfortable with it. But he left me space to talk about it, if I happened to have any speculations.

I had wanted to ask that particular question from Bella - I wanted to know if she had felt the need to harm herself. I didn't wish to believe that. I knew she was very unstable right now, but I wanted to believe that she wouldn't try to hurt herself on purpose. Maybe she had just been very upset.

The house was warm as we entered. The flames in the fireplace consumed the wood, making the material crackle.

Alice was twisting her hands, trying to control herself once again. I didn't have to be a mind reader to know what was burdening her mind now. I felt a fond smile creeping onto my face.

She managed to wait until I had taken off my coat and shoes, and padded into the living room, walking routinely to the window and glancing outside into the dark forest. My eyes searched the sky for the moon, but it was overcast. Only the dark sky stared at me back.

Alice couldn't contain herself any longer. "Is Bella well enough to spend the Christmas with us? She doesn't have to stay in the hospital, does she?"

Alice's uncertainty only enhanced my own hesitation; I certainly hoped that Bella would be healthy enough to leave the hospital. But on the other hand, I felt that she was much safer here with us, under my surveillance.

Alice saw my decision before I voiced it. Her eyes went blank as she searched the near future. A small smile lit her face then.

"I'll ask her in the morning if she feels well enough to spend a few days here. As you very well know," I chuckled.

"Oh, she will. Do you mind if she comes tomorrow evening? I know that Christmas is still a week away, but she's been caged in that hospital for so long that I'm sure that she wants to get out as soon as possible." Alice didn't bother to wait for my answer as she darted upstairs, probably preparing and planning all the activities for Bella and herself.

_Poor Bella,_ I thought, smiling quietly.

Jasper moved quietly from the hall to sit down on the couch. "It's good to see you so amused, Carlisle," he said quietly. "Instead of constantly worrying."

I snorted quietly, wrenching my eyes away from the snowy forest behind the window. I walked silently to sit down across from Jasper. My fingers sought the thick book from the table, pulling it to my hands. I opened it, flicking through the pages, not really focused enough to read.

"You are restless," Jasper stated, his Southern accent bearing a slight tinge of amusement. I appreciated his company; he always managed to put my mind at ease, without causing me feel crowded.

"Yes," I answered.

Jasper's next words both surprised and confused me. He spoke very carefully, as if he knew a secret that I did not. "You should follow your instincts and feelings, Carlisle," he drawled. "You always know how to do the right thing."

I glanced at him, searching his face. Suddenly the numerous scars on his face and neck that were difficult for human eyes to see, seemed more prominent in the dim light. "Of what do you speak of?" I queried.

The only answer I received was a mysterious smile and a shrug. I frowned at him until he gave a low laugh. "You'll see," he said.

"Have you been talking to Alice recently?" I asked, not able to keep the slight acid tone from my voice.

"I didn't do anything," an innocent, chiming voice was heard from the fourth floor. I huffed as I heard her rustling with the cupboards, searching for something. "Carlisle, do you mind if Bella stays in your room? It has the nicest bed and I think she liked this room the most."

Of course I wouldn't mind; the room had a calming effect on me. I hoped that it would have the same effect on Bella.

"You know I don't mind, Alice," I answered, exchanging glances with Jasper. We both knew how much Alice enjoyed having Bella here.

Jasper got up from the couch. "I'm going for a quick hunt. I guess I should do it everyday now, at least during the time Bella stays here." His tone was neutral, but I knew what was really going through his head.

"You know I have a complete faith in you, Jasper," I said quietly. His control was much better than five years ago. He had made a huge effort to control his thirst.

"I only want to be sure, Carlisle. I won't repeat what happened before," he said, determined. I knew it would not make a difference to argue, and so I got up myself and offered to join him.

* * *

The time passed quickly in the forest as I showed Jasper some of my favorite spots on the mountains he hadn't seen before. I was sated after one deer, but Jasper fed greedily, wanting to make sure that he wouldn't be at all thirsty tomorrow.

After a few hours of roaming in the snowy forest we returned to the house, our clothes moist and covered in snow. Jasper had experienced a tiny wrestling match with a bear, and his shirt was torn to shreds. Emmet would have been proud; Alice would be furious.

We stepped inside the house, ready to listen Alice's lecture about how we should respect our clothing.

But she surprised us once again by being in a good mood. After taking one glance at Jasper's ruined shirt, she told him that she had already picked a new one for him, and it would be in a hangar in their bedroom.

Alice darted around the kitchen, peeking inside the cabinets. "What kind of food should I offer to Bella? What does she like?" she asked from me.

"Something light, easy to digest," I said. "Nothing too heavy. She doesn't have much appetite nowdays, anyway." I almost managed to keep the concern from my voice.

Alice turned to look at me, holding a box of tea in her hands. "She doesn't get enough nutrition because of the nausea," I explained. "I might have to be prepared to set an IV rack for her at some point."

Alice pursed up her lips. "That sucks," she stated. Then her gaze fell to the floor, looking at my feet. "You're wetting the floor," she reproached.

The snow had started to melt in the bottoms of my shoes. I quickly stepped away from the kitchen and made my way upstairs towards my bedroom. Jasper passed me by on the staircase, wearing an entirely new blue sweater. "I can see that you got your share," he joked, motioning at my wet shoes.

I patted his shoulder as I continued on my way. "I better change before she kicks me out of my own house," I chuckled.

Alice's voice chirped from downstairs. "I heard that!"

Jasper's laughter mingled with my own, and once again I found myself grateful that the house wasn't empty anymore. And tomorrow it wouldn't be so quiet either; a familiar sound of Bella's heartbeat would be heard.

I walked to my bedroom and changed quickly, noting that Alice had prepared the bed for Bella. The sheets she had chosen were the same blue as the walls, bringing a nice feel into the room. I hoped that Bella would be comfortable here.

I still had some time before my shift would start. My legs worked on their own accord as they took me to my study, and I decided to pass the time with reading.

I plucked a heavy and old book from the shelf, leaving this world behind for a moment.

* * *

After two hours of Shakespeare's sonnets I decided to head back to the hospital.

Reading books in a slow human pace was rather enjoyable, even if I had read them before. The vampire memory was infallible, but it brought me some sort of peace reading the books time after time. Jasper rarely read one book twice, and he was more interested in philosophy and phsychology.

I made my way downstairs, giving a handwave to Alice and Jasper on my way out. It was still dark outside; the sun hadn't risen yet.

I decided to go and see Bella right away when I had the chance, and ask her if she would like to start her short vacation a little earlier. And I also had to make sure that it would be alright for me to take a few days off. Christmas was one of the busiest times of the year, especially in hospitals.

But it turned out that I didn't have the time to go and see if Bella was awake after I arrived to the hospital. I was just putting on my coat when Dr. Wiley came running down the corridor, and told me that I would be needed in the surgical theatre; the surgery was urgent and extremely difficult, and my skills would be needed.

The surgery lasted for hours; a young man received a heart transplant. After the succesful surgery two of my colleagues patted my back, praising me for doing a good job. It felt good to know that the young man didn't need to die, that I had been able to help him somehow.

Even if I had to tone down my speed and other unusual abilities while working as a doctor, I never toned down my skills in experience when someone's life was in danger. It had caused confusion many times over the years when I had pretended to be younger and inexperienced.

I still felt relatively young - and I wasn't that old compared to many other vampires. And I knew that this world had much to offer. Everyday I learned something new of people, of myself. And at times when I thought that I had a lot of knowledge about things, that's when I was forced to realise that I actually knew less than I thought I had.

After being released from the surgery, my feet took me to Bella's room. I slowed down when I neared the door, stopping to listen. She was talking to Nurse Owens, and the conversation was more or less one-sided.

"It was an accident," I heard Bella mumbling. Nurse Owens's sigh echoed in the room.

"Of course I believe you, sweetheart. I know how accident-prone you are. You must have been quite a handful as a child," the nurse chuckled. A short silence fell between them. I knew that Nurse Owens hadn't meant to make Bella feel bad, but I was sure that she was now drowned in her memories of her dead mother.

"Yeah," she whispered after a moment. "I was."

"Don't worry about the mirror, Miss Swan. It can be replaced. My grandmother used to say that shards bring good luck!"

"I've heard that one before," Bella muttered.

I smiled and stepped closer to the door. My fist rose to a light knock, and then I pushed the white door open.

Bella was sitting on the edge of the bed, a watercup in her hand. Nurse Owens was dashing around the room, folding blankets and tidying up. She gave me a brisk greeting before walking to the table and putting straight a pile of magazines.

"Good morning, Miss Swan," I greeted Bella, stepping closer to take a look at her bandaged hand.

Her greeting was as formal as mine was. "Morning, Dr. Cullen," she said, a tinge of mischief in her tone. I gave her a small, private smile. We rarely adressed each other so officially; the situation felt rather amusing.

I started to unwrap the bandage from her hand, well aware that Nurse Owens was still hovering in the room. I suddenly found myself impatient, and I started to ponder the best way to ask Bella if she was willing to leave the hospital tonight.

After the bandage was unwrapped, I studied her hand. The skin seemed a little irritated, along with the cuts. Luckily there were no signs of infection. I knew Bella couldn't afford to suffer one right now. She was already too weak.

"Your hand is healing pretty well," I chose to say out loud to banish the worry inside me. "It's not infected, we just have to make sure that the cuts stay clean."

I got up and started to look around for cotton swabs along with the antiseptic solution to clean the cuts. Nurse Owens was already holding them in her hands. I thanked her as I took them, getting quickly to work.

"How did you sleep?" I asked from Bella as I started to wrap a layer of gauze around her knuckles.

I glanced at her quickly. She had dark circles beneath her eyes, and it saddened me that she couldn't have any peace and quiet even in her sleep.

"Good," she answered. She would probably say that even if she had stayed up all night.

I had almost finished wrapping the gauze when one of the nurses peeked into Bella's room. "Dr. Cullen, you're needed in the ER," she announced.

I turned to Bella, apologizing. She waved her hand, as if telling me to hurry up already. Nurse Owens took over, taking the gauze from me.

I glanced over my shoulder before exiting the room, flashing Bella a quick smile.

* * *

Five hours later I emerged from the emergency room.

A pure chaos had erupted once again inside those walls. Four cars had crashed on the highway, and casualties had been brought in hastily in every few seconds. One of them had died on the way to the hospital. I had allowed myself to mourn for the lost life for a moment, but then I had focused on helping the others who still had hope to survive.

A young girl had been in a critical condition. She had suffered from some severe internal bleeding and a broken spine. She had been rushed into a surgery, and luckily it seemed like she would pull through. She would have a long recovery ahead of her, but at least she now had the chance to live.

The other people in the crash had a better luck - if there was such a thing as luck. Most of them suffered from concussions and broken ribs, along with the cuts and bruises. They would be released from the hospital after a day or two.

After changing the scrubs to my normal clothes, I made my way to see the manager. I spent a few minutes negotiating and arranging my time off. It still bothered me that I hadn't had the chance to ask Bella about if she wanted to leave tonight. But then I remembered Alice's happy smile last night; she had clearly seen in her visions that Bella would indeed be willing to leave.

The manager was the oldest and most experienced doctor in this hospital, with the expetion of myself. I hadn't had the chance to know the man very well, but I knew he was fair and righteous. I agreed to work a double shift today, and after that I would be free to leave for a few days.

I rose from my chair and shook hands with him. "You're a bright young man Dr. Cullen," he praised as he grabbed my hand. "I've rarely met anyone who has been working as hard as you have."

I smiled politely. "Thank you. I'll do my best, sir. Have a peaceful Christmas," I wished. After exchanging a few more pleasantries I exited his room and hurried to the elevators.

Bella was awake when I entered her room. She was sitting up on her bed, a magazine in her hand. Her mind didn't seem to be focused on the reading, though, and she had fixed her eyes on the empty wall on her left. At first she didn't seem to notice that I had opened the door.

I hoped that I could cheer her up. I had learned that it wasn't a good sign when she was staring at that wall with a faraway look in her eyes.

"Good afternoon, Bella," I said as I stepped closer, shutting the door behind me. She smiled that tired smile that I was so accustomed to - it was the smile that didn't quite reach her eyes.

"Hey," she answered.

"I'm sorry that I left so quickly earlier," I apologized as I sat on the edge of the bed.

"It's fine. I'm not your only patient," she stated. I tried to interpret her tone; was she upset? Our eyes met, and once again I was captured. I opened my mouth to say something, but no sound came out.

How did she do it? Make a vampire with supernatural instincts and senses to stutter, to lose focus and the train of thoughts?

"I wanted to talk to you about something," I finally managed to say. Her thin frame stiffened visibly, and she avoided my gaze. She waited silently for me to talk, as if I was going to say something unpleasant.

There was no reason to beat around the bush.

"I was wondering if you wanted to leave already tonight to my house. I know it's still a few days until Christmas but..." My voice trailed off as I explored her reaction. Her eyebrows rose in surprise and she seemed to relax a bit.

"Oh," she muttered. "Uh, okay. I guess it would be nice." She still seemed a little hesitant. "Is it okay if we stop by at my place before we go to your house? I didn't bring much clothes with me in the hospital. And I don't even want to imagine what Alice would make me wear," she joked and pretended to shiver in horror.

I exhaled, letting out the breath I had been holding. "Of course," I chuckled. "We'll stop by on our way. I have to work a double shift but I'll come and pick you up after eight. Is that alright?" I asked, still pleasantly surprised that she seemed so willing to leave to spend her holidays with a group of monsters.

She was nodding, wrinkling the magazine in her fingers. "How's you hand?" I inquired, reaching out to turn her palm over to see better.

"It's good," she insisted, wriggling her fingers as if to prove it. "Are you working a double shift because of me?" she suddenly asked, in a pique.

My hand dropped her bandaged one, and I reached out to brush her cheek with my fingers. The touch made her close her eyes, and a slight shiver rippled through her thin frame.

"I'm working a double shift because I want to," I chuckled at her. "And it's not like I could ever get tired." I dropped my hand from her cheek, and she opened her eyes to roll them at me. I gave her knee a friendly pat, amused by her annoyment, and then got up slowly.

"I'll come and pick you up in a few hours. Is there anything you might need now?"

Bella shook her head, her brown curls bouncing. "I'll manage," she said. "Go on," she chivvied. "You have lives to save." Her teasing tone made me laugh quietly once again.

I made my way to the door reluctantly. I suddenly realised that I was waiting for the upcoming days rather impatiently. The thought warmed my cold heart, as did the gaze of the young woman sitting on the bed.

* * *

The hours passed slowly.

I carried out my duties routinely, making the rounds on my department, and prescribing antibiotics for a young boy who had a bacterial infection in his hand. He had been climbling a tree a few days ago and scraped his palm in the process; her mother had cleaned the cut at home, but apparently the boy had managed to get some dirt in the wound. It had caused swelling, and I was certain that the injury was quite painful.

Nonetheless, the little boy was putting a brave face on and refused to shed any tears. He waited patiently without a sound as I examined the wound, and instructed her mother regarding the antibiotics and the treatment of his hand.

"You were very brave," I praised the little boy. His green eyes brought me the memories of Edward.

I swallowed the sudden pain and grief, focusing on the two humans in front of me.

The boy's mother crouched down next to her son, muttering words in his ear.

"What do you say? Do you remember?" she guided. I could see that the boy was very shy; his gaze dropped to the ground for a moment, but then he lifted his gaze to my face quickly.

"Thank you, Dr. Cullen," he muttered, blushing.

I gave him an encouraging smile. "You are very welcome. Just remember not to climb any trees without a permission."

I exchanged a knowing smile with the mother, and she shook her head fondly. After thanking me and asking a few more questions about the medications, she lifted her son in her arms and left the room.

The clock was nearing the end of my shift. I made my way to my office, finishing up the paperwork before taking off my white coat, replacing it with my black one. Then I walked straight to the elevators - I had made the arrangements with the receptionist earlier, informing that Bella would leave the hospital for a few days.

Apparently the news traveled fast. Nurse Elliot got on the elevator at the eleventh floor. "I hear Isabella will be staying somewhere else during the next days," she said as we waited the elevator to reach the floor we were going.

"Yes," I answered evasively. "My niece came to town a few days ago, and she wishes to spent time with Bella. They were good friends a few years back."

Nurse Elliot seemed politely surprised. The elevator doors opened and we stepped out. "Really?" she said. "I had no idea. Isabella doesn't speak much about herself. She seems very reserved if I ask."

"I appreciate that you have looked after her."

The nurse's blue eyes twinkled as she chuckled and shook her head. "She pretty much looks after herself. She doesn't enjoy being tied into the bed all the time and have everyone hovering over her."

I had to agree with her. Suddenly someone called Nurse Elliot's name and she turned, giving me a handwave as a farewell. She asked me to wish a Merry Christmas to Bella if she wouldn't have the chance to tell it herself.

The bustle of the hallway had calmed down as everyone were getting ready for the night. Someone had tried to cheer up the dreary hospital by hanging decorations on the windows. They twinkled quite beautifully, bringing light into the cold space.

I peeked through the corridor window into Bella's room before entering, noticing that her bed was empty. She was probably getting ready to leave. I knocked on the door before pushing it open.

"Bella?"

Something was amiss, because I received no answer. I noticed that the bathroom door was cracked open, and I strode quickly across the room, once again knocking on the white door. "Bella? May I come in?"

I tried to contain my panic and worry as I listented; her heart was beating a little bit too fast and her breaths were labored. The distinct smell of stomach acids hit my senses.

"Yeah," she finally croaked.

I pushed the door open and peeked inside.

She was sitting on the tile floor in front of the toilet, her trembling hand wiping the sweaty forehead. I was beside her in a fraction of a second, crouching down next to her.

"Have you been ill?" I almost kicked myself for asking such a fatuous question. Of course she had been ill.

"It's nothing," she muttered, not quite looking me in the eye. I got up and reached for the washcloth that was hanging on the edge of the sink, wetting it under the tap. Then I lowered myself on the floor next to her, wiping her mouth with the white fabric.

"Thanks," she whispered, taking deep breaths to compose herself. She took the washcloth from me, folding it over and wiping her pallid face with it. I didn't like the color of her skin - she was too pale.

I gave her a few minutes until the nausea passed, rubbing her shoulder soothingly.

In time, the color returned to her cheeks. But she still didn't look too healthy.

My next words would disappoint her. They certainly disappointed me. But I would not risk her well-being, even if it meant that I had to cause her frustration. "Maybe you are not well enough to leave tonight. Maybe we should give it a few days," I suggested. Bella's brow wrinkled.

"No," she almost shouted. "It was just a little nausea, I can handle it. I feel a lot better now." She had fixed her gaze at me, refusing to look away. "And what would Alice and Jasper think if I suddenly cancelled," she argued.

"They would understand. If it's best for you to stay a few more days in the hospital, they won't argue with it. I won't jeopardize your state of health."

She sighed, exasperated. "But I feel fine! This is nothing unusual, I've had it a lot worse, believe me," she said relentlessly.

I frowned at her determined expression, hesitating with my decision. If I did permit her to leave the hospital, I got to keep a close eye on her - it was something I couldn't do in the hospital because of my other duties.

Bella saw me hesitating, and she grapped my sleeve with a sudden strength. I hadn't expected her grip to be so strong for a frail person like her.

But I had underestimated her before. Maybe I should stop doing that; it clearly annoyed her.

"Please," she begged, tugging at my arm. "You can't leave me here. Nurse Owens is making me wear a red Christmas hat!" She said it like it was the worse punishment the world could offer for her, and I found myself biting my lip to stop the laughter.

"It's not funny!" she hissed, yanking my arm. I attempted to set an innocent expression on my face, only to fail miserably. It was a wonder Bella wasn't fuming; she was gritting her teeth and narrowing her eyes, glaring. She had probably decided not to look away until I had given in.

"Alright," I finally said. Her grip on my sleeve loosened. "But I cannot make any promises of what Alice has planned. With or without the hats," I teased. Bella huffed quietly, starting to get up. I steadied her, keeping my hands on her shoulders until I was sure that she was steady on her feet.

"My mouth tastes awful," she said as she flushed the toilet. Then she took her toothbrush from the sink and squeezed a pinch of paste on it. I left her to her activities, exiting the bathroom.

After a moment she emerged, walking to her locker. I followed her movements carefully; her walking was a little slow and wobbly, but otherwise she didn't seem to be unstable.

After a moment she pulled out a pair of jeans and a black sweater. I offered to go to the hallway until she changed, but she wouldn't hear any of it, and walked back to the bathroom.

I listened her wriggling and tugging as she got dressed, regretting that I hadn't asked a nurse to come and aide her. I almost offered to help her myself, but I didn't want her to feel uncomfortable.

"Ow!"

I wrenched myself from my thoughts as I heard her voice resonating from the bathroom wall tiles. Had she hurt herself? My hand was on the door handle, ready to push it open if I felt like she was in any danger.

"Bella? Do you need help?" I decided to ask.

A sigh could be heard. "No," she answered. "I just hit my hand against the sink."

I had to smile at her clumsiness. I knew Bella herself resented for her being so clumsy, but I found it rather endearing - as long as she wouldn't hurt herself very badly.

I heard her steps nearing the door, and I stepped away just before she yanked it open. She had a hairbrush in her hand, and she tried to untangle her brown mane as she walked to her bed. She looked lovely in her sweater and jeans, although I would have preferred if she had a little bit more skin on her bones. My thoughts went back to the girl I had met in Forks; she had been thin and slender even back then, but a lot more healthier.

"What's wrong?"

Bella's voice shook me from my reverie. Her brown hair was cascading down on her shoulders. The brown eyes were confused; I wondered how sullen I must have looked.

"Nothing," I muttered. "All is well."

She frowned at me, not quite believing my words. After a moment she shook her head, lowered the brush on the table and straightened the bed covers quickly. "Is my hair sticking up?" she asked as she turned to me again. "I still don't have a mirror so I don't know how ridiculous I look."

I took a step closer to tug a strand of the dark hair behind her ear. "You look lovely," I assured. Our eyes met; hers were so brown and warm. We were standing very closely, and the warmth radiating from her was almost scalding. I had difficulty to look away; her gaze crippled me.

I hadn't even realised that my hand was cupping her cheek. The movement was involuntary, almost natural.

Very natural.

I had to swallow my sudden rush of emotions. My hand fell from her cheek, and I took a quick step backwards. Bella blinked, drawing a deep breath.

"Are you ready to go?" I asked, as if nothing had happened.

I heard her clearing her throat, looking dazed. "Yeah," she mumbled under her breath, taking the hairbrush and walking to the door.

"Bella?"

She stopped at the door, her delicate bandaged hand on the handle. "Hmmh?" she hummed, confused when I wasn't following her.

I supressed another smile as I considered her with my gaze. "Your shoes?" I reminded after a moment.

Her expression changed from confused to bored, and finally to annoyed. She muttered something as she walked to back to the locker. It sounded like "stupid shoes" but I could not be sure.

After pushing her feet inside the sneakers she pulled a black duffer bag from the locker. I hadn't forgotten her request to stop by at her apartment to pick up some clothing.

I held her coat open for her as she slipped her arms inside the sleeves. Then she glanced around, probably pondering if she had forgotten something else. After a moment she walked into the bathroom, chucking her hairbrush into the bag in the process. Her toothbrush and paste apparently joined the hairbrush.

"I think I'm good to go," she said as she emerged from the bathroom. I held the door open for her, and stepped after her to the hallway.

When we reached the elevators, Bella seemed to hesitate; the moment lasted only for a second and I only noticed it because I was observing her so intently. After the short hesitation she gritted her teeth, and her jaw was set; it was the look of determination that I had seen on her face countless of times.

We didn't have to wait for long the elevator. Bella followed me inside, once again faltering. I had noticed this before every time we had to ride the elevator; apparently she was claustrophobic.

"We could take the stairs," I offered, observing her reaction. She shook her head, leaning against the wall, squeezing her eyes shut.

Her refusal didn't manage to surprise me. I knew she could be stubborn, and hated to show any weaknesses. That was the reason it was so difficult for me to get close to her. She didn't let anyone near her.

I wanted to understand her; it couldn't have been easy for her to lose everyone she had ever loved, and then deal with those emotion all alone. No wonder she was protecting herself so fiercely.

I listented her racing heart as the elevator transported us downwards. She had stopped breathing, and idly I wondered if she had always been afraid of cramped places, or was it something that had been triggered along her other sufferings.

My fingers itched, and my palms were burning. I had an overpowering desire to give her comfort.

But would she let me?

I took a step closer, setting my hand gently on her shoulder. I hoped that the touch would bring her at least some solace. But I could not be sure if she even noticed my touch. Her brow was still creased, her hands balled to fists.

The elevator halted and the door swished open, causing Bella to relax visibly. Her eyes opened slowly and she exhaled, relieved.

We stepped out together. I let my hand slip from her shoulder to rest on her back, guiding her towards the automatic doors. I nodded at a group of nurses who passed us by.

The weather was cold and windy. I attempted to hurry us to the car, keeping Bella upright in the process. Her teeth were chattering, and shudders were rippling through her thin frame. A part of me just wanted to swing her in my arms and carry her to the car, but that would have attracted attention that I knew Bella wouldn't particularly appreciate.

And I did not wish for her to get upset with me, and think that I thought of her as weak and feeble. Even when the leukemia had made her fragile physically, I was aware that her mind was very strong.

She was one of the strongest persons I had ever had the honor to know.

I helped Bella into the car and made my way swiftly to the driver's side. It was a pure torment to move in a slow human pace at times like these. But I couldn't risk to move too quickly.

After getting in the car I started up the engine and turned on the heater, twisting the knobs as far as they could go. It would take a moment until the engine was warm enough - luckily the car was high-powered. Rosalie had tinkered with it the last time I had seen her. There was nothing more pleasant for her than work with cars.

My thoughts drifted back to my two children; I hoped that they were well and having a good time in Siberia. I felt a twinge of guilt when I remembered that they had no idea of Bella.

I pushed the thought aside. There would be the right time to tell them - it just wasn't yet.

"Are you getting warm?" I asked from Bella as I steered the car out of the parking lot. She nodded, spreading her palms in front of the heating vent. The gesture made the scent of her skin even more prominent in the small space, and I resisted the urge to draw a deep breath to get a better whiff. She truly had an unique scent.

"Which direction?" I queried as we were starting to head towards the town, and wondered where her apartment was situated. I was curious of the place she had been staying before she came to the hospital.

"Take right," she guided, peeking outside the window. I wondered if she had difficulty to remember - it had been a long time since she had been to her apartment, and now when it was dark, the surroundings looked different for her human eyes.

But it turned out that she had no trouble finding the place. She murmured directions every once in a while and I obeyed. The apartment wasn't right in the center of the city, but it wasn't too aloof, either.

"It's the next one. That white one over there," she said after a few minutes of silence. I turned to the driveway and stopped the car, taking a moment to observe the place before switching off the engine.

The building was suitable; it wasn't too tiny or too big for one person. It was a one-floor building, and the walls were plastered white.

Bella started to unbuckle the seatbelt beside me, and I quickly opened the door and stepped out, making my way to her door and holding it open for her. I held out my hand and she grabbed it, pushing herself to stand up.

We were silent as we walked to the front door. Bella seemed to be lost in her thoughts; I wondered if something was troubling her. She fished the keyes from the pockets of her jeans, opening the lock.

Bella stepped inside hesitantly, switching on the lights. The apartment didn't have a hall or a vestibule, but it opened straight to the small lounge. It was cool inside; apparently she hadn't bothered to heat up the space more than necessary.

"Step inside," Bella chimed as she made her way across the floor to the door in the back of the lounge. "I know it's a little cramped but..." She let her words trail off, pushing the door open. It apparently led to her bedroom.

"No, not at all," I disclaimed. "It's very homey." The place was furnished with the necessary things; a few chairs, a table, a couch. Even if I had gotten used to live in the huge spaces, this apartment had a nice feel to it. Even when it wasn't huge, it was very cozy.

But at the same time something was amiss - I just couldn't tell what.

Bella's bemused laughter wafted from the other room. I heard her tucking clothes into her bag. "Homey, you say?" she chuckled. Apparently there was something amusing in my comment.

I made my way across the floor to the other room in case she needed any help packing. I peeked inside, standing at the threshold. Going into her bedroom seemed suddenly very private and intimate, and I didn't want to intrude.

Bella was pulling the zipper of her bag, and it seemed that it had gotten stuck. I kneeled on the floor next to her, prying her injured hand away from the zipper. I pulled gently at the fragile piece of metal, trying to solve the blockage.

Finally it squeaked and I managed to pull the zipper closed.

"Thanks," Bella breathed. I gave her a small smile, and took this opportunity to let my gaze wander around the room.

It was a normal bedroom with two closets, a small table and a bed. The curtains were dark red; they flowed down to the floor like a waterfall. It reminded me of the way Bella's hair fell down on her shoulders and back.

The walls were pale blue and they were completety blank, with the exeption of a piece of paper; it had been apparently cut from a magazine.

It was a picture of a dark sea. Or maybe it was a sky? It was beautiful in it's own way, but I wondered the reason Bella had pinned it to the wall.

And suddenly I realised that what had bothered me before; what had been amiss in this house.

There were no other pictures besides that magazine clipping. No photos, no pictures, no nothing. This place didn't say to me: this is where Bella lives. Her personality didn't show in here.

"What?"

Her voice startled me suddenly; I realised that I was frowning at the walls. My fingers were still on the zipper of her bag, and I could feel Bella's gaze drilling into my face.

I glanced at her, smoothing out my face quickly. "Nothing," I said, giving her a reassuring smile. She frowned confusedly, glancing at the direction where I was staring at before. I got up from my crouching position, assisting Bella as she did the same. Her gaze was still on the picture on the wall, her expression impalpable.

"It's a nice picture," I offered politely. Bella winced at my words, as if I had startled her. Her gaze fell to the ground. "It there a story behind it?" I asked, curious. I was worried about her earlier reaction, and her next words didn't manage to reassure me.

"No story," she said quietly. "That's the beauty of it."

Now I understood.

She had put up that picture because it didn't remind her of anything. It didn't bring any bad memories for her as the photographs would have. She could look at that picture on the wall, and be relatively happy that she could enjoy seeing it. That no emotions surfaced.

Yes, now I understood her better. But it made me afraid.

I reached out to touch her shoulder. She shook my hand off, bending over to take her bag from the floor. "Let's just go," she muttered.

"I'll take that," I offered, and grasped at the strap. Her refusal to let me comfort her stung.

"It's not heavy," she resisted. I didn't wish to make her more upset than she already was, but in any case I pried her fingers away from the bag, and took it myself.

"But I would be no gentleman if I let the lady carry the bag," I stated. I was pretty serious when I said that, but my other intention was to light up the mood. The tension had been tangible since I had brought up the picture on the wall.

She must have seen my determination or then she was just too tired to argue, I couldn't tell. She pursed up her lips, glancing once more around the room. Then she made her way through the door. I switched off the light and followed her.

Bella was brushing her fingers against the wall of the livingroom as she walked towards the door. I couldn't see her expression, but the gesture made me feel that she was saying goodbye to the house.

Was she thinking that she would never return here?

"What's wrong?"

I hadn't realised that I had stopped walking. Bella was leaning againt the couch, looking at me worriedly. I blinked, trying to rid myself from the dark thoughts.

I tried to reassure myself; even if she was thinking about never returning, it didn't necessarily mean a bad thing. Maybe she had decided to join us as an immortal?

I refused to consider the other option.

"Nothing," I said as I walked to her. "Are you sure you got everything?" I lifted up the bag as I asked.

One of her eyebrows lifted as she considered the bag with her gaze. "Yeah," she finally stated. "Alice will probably burn them all anyway." A sigh escaped her mouth as she turned around, and made her way to the door.

I chuckled at her words. "I can attempt to stop her," I promised.

"Good luck with that," Bella remarked as she turned at the door, once again letting her gaze sweep around the apartment.

I suppressed the fear that tried to engulf me.

After a moment she sighed and turned the knob, pushing the door open. She never looked back as she walked to the car, opened the door and got inside. I gave her some space, walking slowly to the driver's side after turning off the lights and making sure the door was locked. After putting her bag on the backseat, I got into the car myself.

We drove in silence. Bella was engulfed in her thoughts, her gaze locked to the passing scenery. People were rolling down the streets in small groups.

For a moment I wondered if Bella envied them in any way. Was she bitter that she couldn't have that normal life, to start from that clean slate like she had wanted to?

The traffic lights turned red in front of us. I lifted my foot from the gas, bringing the car to a halt. Usually my patience was endless, especially with Bella. But now the silence started to bother me.

I was just about to open my mouth and ask her if she was alright, when she suddenly raised her hand, pointing at the dark building across the street with her finger. Her tone was neutral as she spoke.

"I used to work in that bookstore for a while."

I glanced at the little store. It had been closed for the evening, and the lights were out. The place looked nice and comfortable; bookstores always had the certain feel to it. They smelled like paper and ink, and it was the smell that reminded me of home.

"Really?" I asked, pleasantly surprised that she had shared something about her personal life so voluntarily. "Did you like it there?"

She nodded. "Yeah. It was really nice. I was there only for a couple of weeks, though."

She didn't have to say the rest. I guessed that she had been forced to go to the hospital soon after that.

The lights turned to green. I got the car moving before the humans even realised that the light had changed.

We left the city behind in silence. After a few minutes Bella, leaned her head against the headrest, her eyes closing.

"If you are tired, go ahead and sleep," I suggested. I would carry her to the house when we got there.

She cracked her eyes open a bit, her chocolate brown eyes flaring. "I'm not tired. Just thinking," she muttered.

"About what?" I asked, curious.

She stretched out her arms once again, warming her hands in front of the heater. She had rolled her sleeves up a bit; I could see the pale crescent scar on her wrist, the one that James had left behind.

"Nothing and everything," she answered after a moment had passed.

I chuckled quietly. "You never share your thoughts with me," I accused gently.

Bella turned to look at me with a cheeky grin. "You don't share your thoughts either."

I thought about her comment for a moment, and I had to admit that she was right. I was being very remote at times. "That's true," I whispered quietly.

I turned the car to the sideroad that led home. It didn't take long until the house was to be seen. Bella was once again peeking out from the window, admiring the old ancient forest. I understood well the charm the forest had on her.

I stopped the car in front of the house, turning off the engine and stepping out. Then I grabbed Bella's bag from the backseat before hurrying to open her door; she hadn't even realised that I had gotten out of the car already. Sometimes the vampire speed was quite useful.

I grabbed her hand and helped her out. Suddenly I was bombarded with the images of the last time I had helped her out of the car on my yard; she had wavered, and I had steadied her. Her warm body had been pressed against mine, her eyes had been blazing and flaming...

Then she had taken a quick step back - and I could remember the distinct feeling of emptiness.

I put my hand on Bella's shoulder and started to guide her towards the house, the bag in my other hand.

"When was this house built?" she suddenly asked. Her gaze sweeped the building; I could see that she liked it.

"It's not that old, actually. It was built in 1999."

She nodded, narrowing her eyes a bit. "Who was the architect?"

"He was a - "

My sentence was suddenly cut off as something cold and wet collided with the back of my neck. My instincts caused me to be instantly alert because of the sudden occurence, but I relaxed after a fraction of a second, starting to scrape the snowball from my hair and collar.

Somewhere in the dark forest I could hear Alice and Jasper rolling on the ground and laughing.

I don't know what kind of expression I wore; I must have looked quite appalled because Bella couldn't contain her own laughter any longer. It was a wonderful sound; during these weeks we had spent together I had never seen her laugh so genuinely and freely. It was like a soothing balm to my soul.

Her own laughter was cut off short as another snowball flew through the air, but much slower this time. The thrower hadn't put as much strength to the throw so that it wouldn't harm her. But I was quite sure that it wasn't pleasant; the white pud hit her shoulder, and a part of the snow managed to sneak inside her collar.

It was my turn to laugh as Bella shrieked, trying to wriggle the cold snow out of her shirt. I dusted off her clothes, trying to rid her coat from the flakes. "I apologize for my children. Despite of their age they have a propensity to act very inappropriately," I chuckled.

Bella was out of breath, still laughing quietly. I heard footsteps behind me as the culprits neared us from the forest. "Speaking of the devil," I said as I turned to greet Jasper and Alice.

"The devil?" Alice pretended that I had offended her very badly. "I can see you have found your Christmas spirit. We just wanted to wish you welcome," she sang with her soprano voice. Then she glided to Bella, giving her a quick hug.

My fingers still clawed the snow from the hair at the back of my neck. Jasper gave me a pat on the shoulder, grinning. "Sorry about that. It was a bad aim."

A bad aim from Jasper seemed very unlikely; he was a vampire with accurate senses after all, not to mention he had been a soldier in his human life.

I gave up on the snow in my hair. My body temperature was too low to melt it. I started to lead the small group inside, setting my hand once more on Bella's shoulder. I wanted to get her inside as quickly as possible, not wanting her to get cold.

Luckily Alice had boiled some water in the kitchen, and I immediately busied myself with preparing tea for Bella after telling her to sit down at the table. Jasper came from the living room a blanket in his hands, and he quickly spread it over her shoulders.

It warmed my heart to see how tender and caring he was with her; it seemed like being around her wasn't that much of a struggle for him anymore.

I set the steaming mug in front of Bella, and took the chair next to her.

"Thanks," she groaned, accepting the tea gladly. Her fingers wrapped around the black mug.

"Are you hungry?" She hadn't eaten after the nausea this evening. It worried me that she would grow too weak. I already knew what she was going to answer, but I asked anyway.

"No, but thanks," she said, sipping her hot tea carefully. Her gaze wandered to Alice who danced inside the room and started to light up the candles once again. She was humming happily; it was a song I could not recognize.

Before long we were all staring at her, amused.

She sensed three pairs of eyes on her after a moment, and stopped the humming and moving around. She had just been arranging the candles, and her hand froze mid-air as she glanced at us, her ochre eyes confused.

"What?" she demanded.

"Nothing," me and Jasper said at the same time. Bella chuckled into her tea mug. Alice huffed in frustration, and started to light up more candles. A happy smile lit on her face once again, and her humming continued.

I did not need Jasper's abilities to see that Alice was beaming with happiness. It had been a long time since I had seen her so utterly joyous and contended.

I observerd her so intently that it took me a moment to realise that Bella had shifted beside me, and was brushing her fingers against the nape of my neck. I glanced at her, surprised.

She drew her hand away and cleared her throat, a little embarrassed. "The snow is melting in your hair," she explained sheepishly.

Bella hid her smile as I groped the back of my neck with my palm to get rid of the moisture, throwing an accusing glance towards Jasper.

But he wasn't looking at my direction at the moment; his gaze was steered towards Alice and something passed between them. They exchanged a secret smile, and then they masked their faces with a pure innosence as they turned their faces towards me and Bella.

"You want some more tea, Bella? Are you sure that you're not hungry?" Alice asked as she glided across the kitchen to peek into Bella's mug.

"No, I'm good, thanks," Bella answered. "Thank you for the tea."

I got up from the chair, glancing at the clock. "You should probably go and get some rest. It's getting late," I suggested as I started to help her up.

"I already took your bag upstairs. Shall I show you where you're staying?" Alice announced beside me.

She started to lead Bella towards the staircase. I could see that the latter was getting weary, and I wondered if I should tell Alice to carry her, despite of how much she would resist.

I felt Jasper coming to stand next to me. "Don't worry so much, Carlisle," he said quietly, laying his hand on my shoulder. I gave him a tired smile.

"How can I not?"

We stood in silence for a few minutes until Jasper spoke, hesitantly. "Has she said anything... about your offer?" he asked cautiously.

I shook my head as I walked into hall, Jasper following me in silence. "No. And I don't want to push her into a decision she might regret."

Jasper nodded mutely. I suddenly felt the need to ask him something. "What do you sense in her? In her feelings?"

Jasper frowned, unsure. "Her feelings? Do you mean..."

"I mean about everything. What state of mind is she in? Does she still feel guilty?"

Jasper closed his eyes, considering his answer. Or maybe he was probing Bella's emotions. "It's difficult," he finally said. "There's a lot going on. She tries to hide it, to stifle it. She seems quite happy at this moment..." he frowned, trying to put his thoughts into words. It must be difficult; it was almost impossible to describe emotions with words.

"There's much more beneath the surface," he continued. "Grief, anger, bitterness, guilt... and something else." His eyes opened. They glowed in the dim lighting of the hall.

"What else?" I asked, confused.

A small grin appeared on Jasper's face. "I'm not sure," he drawled.

I could hear that Alice and Bella had reached the fourth floor. They had been chatting quietly about ordinary things, and I hadn't been paying attention to them as I was listening to Jasper. But the mention of my name got my attention.

"I'm staying in Carlisle's room?" Bella asked from Alice. Her tone was confused, surprised.

"Yeah," Alice chirped briskly. "If that's okay with you."

I heard Bella draw a deep breath. "Yeah, I guess. I mean, doesn't it bother him that I'm taking his room?" she asked, hesitant.

Alice's laughter echoed in the halls. "Of course it doesn't! And he spends most of his time in his study anyway. He's completely okay with you staying there."

Alice began to ramble something about the curtains as she helped Bella to settle. She offered to help her when she wanted to change, but Bella refused politely.

Jasper made his way to the living room and I followed, listening the two women discussing three stories above.

Bella had apparently managed to change and got into bed; I could hear Alice pulling the covers over her.

"Sleep well, Bella," she hummed, happiness radiating from her tone. "Do you want to talk to Carlisle before going to sleep?" she asked.

"No, it's okay. I don't want to bother him," Bella resisted.

Alice quickly reassured her. "It's no bother for him. Carlisle?" she called out with normal volume.

I had already gotten up from the couch where I had sat next to Jasper, watching him read a newspaper. In a matter of seconds I was upstairs. I slowed my pace at the door of my bedroom, glancing inside.

Bella was lying on her side on the bed, Alice sitting next to her. She got up when I entered, bidding Bella a good night. Then she whizzed out of the room.

I walked slowly to sit on the edge of the bed, giving Bella a friendly smile. I couldn't even count the times I had been in Bella's hospital room in the evenings, covering her with blankets and telling her to sleep well; but this time it felt different - more private - for some odd reason. Maybe it was the fact that we weren't in the hospital.

"How's your hand?" I asked quietly, turning her palm over to see better. I would change the bandage tomorrow.

"It's good," Bella whispered. Her eyelids were drooping. It had been a long day for her. "Thanks for letting me stay in your room," she said, forcing her eyes open to look at me.

"Thank nothing of it, Bella. I hope you find it peaceful here," I answered.

Her eyes were closed again. I could see that she was struggling to stay awake.

My hand reached out for the bedside lamp, switching off the light.

I sat there, in a blue room with blue walls, waiting for the girl beside me to fall asleep. Her pale skin glowed in the dim light, and I couldn't help but thinking that she looked like an angel.

I hoped from the bottom of my broken heart that the next days wouldn't feel so blue for her.

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**A/N: **Btw, the picture that was hanging on Bella's apartment wall: you can find the link to it on my profile. I do not own the picture, nor Twilight. Unfortunately.


	25. Chapter 25: Worship

**_Stephenie Meyer owns Twilight :)_**

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**A/N: **I have a present for you guys! :) Which is the next chapter of this story. Thank you for your reviews, every time I read them I smile so widely that my cheeks hurt!

Have a merry Christmas and happy holidays!

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**_What we have once enjoyed_**  
**_ we can never lose;_**  
**_ All that we love deeply,_**  
**_ becomes a part of us._**

-Helen Keller-

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**Worship**

BPOV

The bed was curiously soft under my achy body.

The realisation puzzled me; my hospital bed was usually too hard and uncomfortable. Maybe I was still dreaming.

I might as well enjoy the dream then. It was rare when I felt so content. I turned on my other side without opening my eyes, my bandaged hand squeezing the pillow under my head. I wondered how busy Carlisle would be today. He would probably come and change the bandage before afternoon, even though the nurse was fully capable of doing it. Even _I_ was fully capable of doing it if I had the chance to try. But I knew he would insist doing it himself.

Bothering him made me feel awful, because I knew he had enough on his plate already. He shouldn't have to feel obligated to try to find time for me from his busy schedule.

Thinking about Carlisle made me suddenly feel odd. As if I had forgotten something important about him. Something elusive... A dream, maybe.

My eyes burst open as I remembered.

I was at his house. The room was as blue as it had been last night. I had arrived here yesterday and Jasper had thrown a snowball at Carlisle... I remembered how the melting snow had glistened in his golden hair.

I sat up quickly, swallowing the hisses of pain as my back protested the movement. I realised that I had slept throughout the night without waking up, and without any nightmares.

Nice.

A soft knock on the door shook me from my thoughts. The knob was turned, and soon Alice peeked inside a happy smile on her face.

"Morning," she twittered as she stepped inside, carrying a steaming mug in her hand. "How did you sleep?"

I sat up more straight to give her room to sit down. The warm mug felt wonderful around my fingers as Alice handed it over to me.

"Really good," I muttered as I sipped the tea. "Thanks."

Alice gave me a beaming smile as she inquired if I was hungry. I pondered it for a moment. I knew I probably should eat something unless I wanted Carlisle to hook me up with wires and tubes.

"Not really. Maybe I'll eat something later," I promised, consuming the rest of the tea; it tasted like berries and cinnamon, and it was really sweet. I was positive Carlisle had prepared it, and added some extra sugar in it to give me more energy.

The gesture was small, and for someone else it would have been rather insignificant. But it made me feel warm.

After drinking the tea, Alice helped me up so I could take a shower. She didn't push her help on me, but lingered in the bathroom in case I needed aiding. The bathroom was attached to Carlisle's bedroom, and I let my gaze wander around the ivory walls greedily. The room was luxurious, but not too extravagant.

Alice left me to shower by myself, but I was sure that she was listening to my every move, and scanning my future for possible dangers - such as slipping on a bar of soap, slicing my wrist open with a cap of a shampoo bottle, or anything else that had 'this could happen to Bella' -label on it.

I had gotten used to fussing around and hustling. The nurses in the hospital were a lot more intrusive and pushy than Alice was. I knew that they only did their job, but seeing Alice give me a little bit of privacy made me feel gratitude towards her.

Putting on my clothes was a little more challenging. My limbs were stiff and achy, but I managed to wriggle myself into my underwear along with the jeans, and even putting on my socks was easy. Then I glanced at the blue fabric in my hands; Alice had brought it to me a few minutes ago, insisting that I would wear it.

I didn't bother to argue with her. I knew it was pointless.

A soft knock on the door made me sigh.

Alice pranced inside, tugging the soft blue sweater from my fingers.

"Sit," she ordered, pointing at the closed lid of the toilet seat with her dainty finger.

"I'm not your dog," I grumbled, only partly annoyed. In any case I sat down, lifting up my arms so that Alice could work my head and arms through the right holes of the sweater.

The fabric was really soft and warm, and I found myself brushing my fingers against the material.

Alice looked smug as she took the towel and and started to fluff my moist hair with it. She was being very careful with it, and I didn't have to warn her about yanking too hard. My hair still fell off every now and then, but it had lessened after I had stopped the treatments.

I returned in my memories to the evening when I had informed Carlisle that I didn't want to continue with them anymore. I remember how upset he had been after hearing me say those words, and the way the ink had stained his beautiful skin when his control had slipped for one tiny second...

And the way I had been upset, hearing him offer to change me so I wouldn't have to die.

He was still waiting for my answer, along with Jasper and Alice. I was positive he had told them about his offer - it concerned them also, after all. I wondered if he had shared the news about my presence with Rosalie and Emmett.

I was ashamed when I remembered what kind of a fit I had thrown when he had offered to grant me immortality. And it pained me to know that I was making them wait for my decision - I was an awful person, period. The time I had left was ticking, and day after day my body would be closer to failing. Even if I had accepted my fate, I knew that Carlisle hadn't. And I hated to make him wait. I hated myself for the pain and worry I was causing him.

So why couldn't I make myself decide?

"You look grim. Don't you like the color?"

Alice's soprano made me wrench myself from my thoughts. I glanced at the fabric I was fiddling with my fingers. The sweater was a very beatiful shade of blue; it was the same color my prom dress had been years ago.

Edward had liked the blue color against my skin.

And he was gone.

"Yeah," I croaked, sensing Alice's golden stare. "The color is nice."

I pushed myself up, and Alice wrapped her arm around my hip. Not to keep me upright or to support me; she just seemed utterly happy to be able to dress me again, and spend time with me. And when I looked at her face beaming with joy, I couldn't help but smile back. This felt familiar. But the familiarity didn't bring back the usual panic and sadness this time. I wondered why not.

The trip downstairs was as slow as I expected it to be. I had to move carefully and leisurely to prevent the dizziness. After decending two flights of stairs I had to sit down to catch my breath.

Alice hesitated before sitting down one step lower. The joy had disappeared from her eyes, and even though she tried to hide it, I could see that she was worried.

"It's okay," I reassured her. "This is normal."

We sat in silence for a few minutes until my heart calmed down a bit. It was never too calm in these days; I had almost gotten used to how fast it was beating, even in rest.

The silence of the house seemed now more prominent, and I was sure that somewhere in the house Carlisle was listening to my every breath, waiting for the tiniest reason to rush in here and start fussing.

I started to get up, holding onto the railing. Alice grabbed my arm, and I knew she was just itching to swing me in her arms and whisk me down the stairs. But she didn't, and I was grateful that she didn't patronize me.

We peeked into the living room on our way to the kitchen. Jasper was kneeled in front of the fireplace, starting the fire. He greeted me with a smile as we passed by.

Carlisle was in the kitchen as I had expected him to be. He was pouring hot water in the mug once again, brewing me another portion of tea. He turned to us as we enterned with Alice, smiling so widely that I could see the straight line of his perfectly white teeth.

"Morning," he greeted with his honey voice as he gestured me to sit down.

"Morning," I answered, sitting down on the chair Alice had pulled for me. She sprinted across the kitchen to peek inside the cabinets.

"Did you get any sleep?" Carlisle queried as he gave me the tea.

I told him that I hadn't slept so well in a long time. He seemed pleased, but not surprised. It made me wonder how closely he had monitored me during the night.

Alice set a bowl of vegetable soup in front of me. It smelled wonderful; the salty and spicy aroma made my mouth water. It looked so delicious that I had to taste, even though I wasn't very hungry.

I took the spoon that Alice offered to me, thanking her before sinking the metal into the soup.

And it did taste as good as it looked. Alice grinned smugly as she stated that she had known that I would like it. Of course she had.

Carlisle sat down next to me, unfolding a newspaper on top of the table. For a moment I wondered how they got their mail all the way here. The house was practically in the middle of nowhere, so it must be difficult for the mailman to even find here.

Maybe Jasper or somebody else had literally made a run to the city, picking up the paper.

I was able to eat a half of the soup. After a moment I had to push the bowl away, telling Alice that it had been wonderful but I was simply too full to eat anymore. She didn't seem to mind, only ushering me to drink the rest of the tea as she took the bowl from me.

My eyes sweeped the large kitchen, and I set my gaze eventually to the window. The day had already dawned, and suddenly I couldn't take my eyes off the scenery outside the window. I stretched my neck to see better, half rising up from my chair.

The forest was snowy and enchanting; the pines were almost touching the skies. I wondered if I was able to wrap my arms around the trunk - they seemed so thick and massive that it made me wonder how old they were.

Suddenly I had an urge to go into the forest, and to clasp the cold snow between my palms. To feel how it melted on my skin. And it was curious, because usually I hated snow, even more than I hated rain.

"Do you like it?"

Carlisle's angelic voice penetrated into my mind. My eyes were still glued to the window, and I tore my gaze away from the forest and turned to him, leaning back on my chair.

"Yeah. It's so beautiful out here," I answered. I wondered if he would let me go outside, even for once during my stay here.

Carlisle folded the newspaper neatly. "It is. It's a little bit off the map, but at least it's quiet and peaceful."

His words remided me of what Edward had said when he had first brought me to his home in Forks. I had been in awe; the house had been very similiar to this one. Edward had said that the house was the only place they never had to hide.

My smile faltered a bit, and my heart twitched in pain as always when I remembered Edward. I focused my thoughts into something else to prevent the emerging emotions.

My gaze wandered around the light kitchen, and back to the window once more. I got up from the chair slowly, and made my way to the counter, brushing my fingers against the dark granite.

I decided that I liked this house better than the one in Forks.

Maybe it was the lack of memories that I liked. Or maybe the house had some sort of charm; it would be difficult to be here and not enjoy the surroundings.

And the time passed differently in here.

I noticed this when I was sitting on the living room floor in front of the fireplace with Alice. Carlisle and Jasper were also present; they were sitting on the couch and discussed about something that was too difficult for my small brain to understand, while Alice told me about their Europe trip. They had been to so many amazing places with Jasper that for a short moment I envied her for being able to move so freely. As freely as she could, considering that she was a vampire. The weather must have caused some sort of restrictions for them.

I glanced at the clock, and was surprised to see that it was already past three in the afternoon. The time had flown, even if we hadn't been doing anything. Maybe it was because I had no way to measure time like in the hospital. There were no nurses tramping around once in every hour, no empty walls to stare...

But in here, I had just been sitting and chatting, occasionally trying to read a magazine, only to return to the earlier discussion with Alice. And the hours had passed without me even noticing.

Not that I would have had an energy to be any more active than that - they all knew it. Apparently Carlisle had filled them in pretty well about my condition.

It seemed like I wasn't the only one who had difficulty to keep track of time. I noticed Carlisle glancing at his wristwatch, and he grimaced a bit. "Bella, you should try to eat something," he said, as if apologizing for not paying enough attention to my human needs. He got up from the couch, reaching out his hands to help me on my feet. My legs were numb from sitting on the floor so long, and I staggered a bit. No surprise there.

Carlisle was forced to grab me. He was holding onto my hip with his hand while the other gripped my shoulder. His touch was like an electric shock, and it made a shiver travel through my spine.

"I'm okay," I muttered as I forced myself to look quickly into his eyes. Not for too long, though. His eyes were too enchanting.

I wriggled my toes to get the blood circulating again.

Carlisle led me into the kitchen, keeping his hand on my shoulder just in case. I sat on my regular seat, watching as Carlisle warmed up the soup I had been eating earlier. He declined my offer when I suggested that I could warm my own food, and there was no need to serve and spoil me. He gave me a small and tender smile as he wagged his index finger, looking reproachful.

"Just take it easy, Bella," he hummed. "I am quite delighted to do this."

As I ate my meal with the poor appetite, I started to wonder if staying home was at all frustrating for Carlisle. And I didn't know exactly how long I would be staying here. We hadn't agreed any particular number of days. Carlisle would have to go back to the hospital at some point.

I didn't want him to keep him here; he belonged into the hospital, working with people. Doing a job he truly loved.

"What are you thinking?"

I glanced up from my soup to see Carlisle's eyes studying me. He had sat down on the opposite side of the table - not next to me as he usually did. Maybe he didn't want to crowd me as I ate. His blonde hair shone in the lighting, and it looked like he had run his fingers through his hair many times.

I cracked a piece of the cracker Carlisle had given me, and chewed it slowly to have more time to think.

"Nothing special," I muttered, when I couldn't figure out anything better to say.

Carlisle chuckled quietly at my words. "Nothing and everything right?" he asked teasingly, referring to our conversation last night. I shrugged mutely. His golden eyes searched and studied me, as if he saw something intriguing in me.

But that was not possible; I was not intriguing. I was far from it. The only proper term to describe me was a physical and mental wreck.

I was like an empty house without lights and residents; the exterior was decayed, and if someone made the mistake to peek inside the front door, that person would quickly turn around on the threshold. And if the exterior was decayed and messy, it was nothing compared to the mess and clutter that waited inside. The basement of that house was dark and uninviting; I had hidden my darkest, and the most dreary thoughts in there. And I only wished I wouldn't stumble on the stairs, because I would fall down into the basement, and I would have no chance to climb back up on my own.

I felt Carlisle's gaze piercing me. I tried to ignore it for a moment, with no success. "Are you going to stare me until I reveal my thoughts to you?" I asked.

Carlisle flashed a cheerful smile at me; it made him look much younger. In that moment he looked like the twenty-three year old man he physically was.

With a startle, for the first time I realised that we were the same age - physically.

Weird.

"Possibly," he answered after a moment, his quiet voice laced with honey.

I cleared my throat to focus. "Okay," I began. "I was actually thinking about you working in the hospital. Don't they hate you there when you have to be here stuck with me?"

"I managed to get several days free," he assured. "Apparently my boss thinks that I'm 'a bright young man who has been working very hard'." He changed his tone a bit, apparently to mimic his superior. It made me chuckle.

Carlisle rose from his chair to sit down next to me, and he started to unwrap the gauze from my hand to check how the cuts were healing. He told me to wait for a moment, and then he was only a blur to an eye as he moved his natural speed. I didn't even manage to start guessing where he had gone when the air current against my skin told me that he had returned. My hair wafted a bit as he darted back to me.

He was carrying a bottle of disinfectant solution and a gauze roll.

"You hand is healing quite well," he stated as he wiped the cold liquid against the scabs. After that he wrapped the white fabric around it.

But I almost missed what he had just said, because my gaze had wandered to the window again. There was a bright light filtering through the forest; the sun had decided to peek behind the clouds before decending to the west.

I barely registered that Carlisle was finished with my hand. My legs worked on their own accord as I pushed myself up from the table and walked over to the window.

It had been so long since I had seen the sun. I had already thought that I wouldn't get the chance to see it ever again.

But now I had.

I didn't want to blink. I tried to absorbe every ray and beam with my eyes and cells before the golden giant would disappear. The black granite countertop glistened under my palms as the sun cast the orange light on it. I followed the luminous trail, slowly turning away from the window.

Carlisle was still standing next to my chair, in the shadows. The light of the sun didn't manage to reach him. He studied me once again, a tinge of laughter in his eyes.

Suddenly I felt a need. The need to see him, to see how the sun made his marble skin glow.

He took a step closer, as if he had heard my soundless request. But he was still in the shadows, hiding.

I quirked my eyebrow at him, as if to dare him to step forward.

His eyes never let my face as he finally stepped into the light. He didn't look at the sun, as though he had seen it enough times already. Maybe he had. But it still made me wonder why he stared at me like that. Like I was something worth watching.

All the coherent thoughts left my mind as the rays of the sun touched his pale skin. If the sun had been beautiful and fascinating to me a few seconds ago, it was nothing compared to what I saw now.

Millions and millions of diamonds gleamed on Carlisle's skin. The sight made me gasp a bit, and I knew that I could never get used to how beautiful he was. It took me a moment to realise that I had reached out with my bandaged hand to brush my finger against his neck. I couldn't bring myself to worry if it bothered him - I just wanted to touch. To feel.

His skin was smooth and cold as usually, hard and soft at the same time. Silky, mellow, luminous... There were no words to describe the creature before my eyes. Because words didn't do justice to him.

He suddenly raised his hand to gently grab my own that was tracing patterns against his neck. Regret filled me; he didn't like my touches. And I realised I was being very inappropriate. I shouldn't put him in a difficult and uncomfortable situation, such as this.

But against my expectations, he didn't give me any apologetic smile to soften his rejection. His hand molded against mine, and his gaze was still glued to my eyes as he lifted my knuckles to his lips. I couldn't decipher his expression, but for one fleeting second I felt like I was being worshipped.

His breath made my skin tingle. Not just the skin in my hand but everywhere. My whole body was tingling.

Maybe it was the lack of oxygen. Maybe all the remaining cells in my body were dying. And they could died for all I cared - this certainly was a good way to die.

I drew in a deep breath as he removed his lips from my gauze covered hand. He wore a small smile as he clasped my hand more firmly, instead of letting it drop from his grasp. Other one of his hands raised to touch a lock of my hair.

"You have a little bit of red tint in your hair," he hummed with his smooth voice. "I guess some things need the sunlight to be revealed," he remarked.

I had managed to get my ability to form words back. "Yeah, you're telling me," I said, indicating to his sparkling skin. His chuckle was like the wind rustling the tree leaves.

The cloud covered the setting sun once again, making the room more darker. But it didn't erase the beauty of Carlisle's appearance. Nothing could. He was not only beautiful on the outside; on the inside he was even more beautiful, and that beauty took my breath away. Was there anyone who was more kind than him, more compassionate? More human?

No.

Carlisle was more human than I was. He was more human that I could ever hope to be.

I tore my gaze from his eyes, gazing into the dimming afternoon. And I felt that same urge than in the morning, to go into the forest and explore what the snow and cool air felt like. I decided to open my mouth before chickening out.

"Would it be okay if we went outside for a moment?" I would have crossed my fingers if Carlisle hadn't been holding my hand. It didn't feel at all awkward, standing here face to face, his cold hand clasping mine. It felt natural, and safe.

Carlisle pondered my request, biting his lower lip in a very human-like manner. He was always hesitating if I even had to peek outside. He was still worried that I would get even more sick.

Eventually he gave me a nod and squeezed my hand before letting it go. "Sure. Maybe getting some fresh air would be good for you." He reached out to take the soupbowl from the table and running some water over it in the sink. He dried his hands quickly, and then he gestured me to the hallway.

I peeked inside the living room on my way to the staircase. Jasper was sitting alone in the light room, a heavy volume opened in his lap. He lifted his gaze from the text as he sensed my presence, smiling at me quickly. "Alice is already upstairs, choosing some warmer clothes for you," he said, trying to keep his voice neutral and even.

I shook my head and huffed. "Of course she is," I remarked, chuckling.

I attempted to climb the stairs breezily, refusing to show my possible fatigue to Carlisle who was climbing beside me. I managed it pretty well until I got to the third floor; that's when I was getting out of breath and the floor started to tilt under my feet.

Carlisle wasted no time as he helped me to sit on the soft bench that rested on the hallway. At first he was being very quiet; apparently his concern for me had surpassed all the words.

I wanted to reassure him, to tell him that he had no reason to worry. But he opened his mouth first, just when I was about to start speaking.

"Maybe we should leave the walk for tomorrow. You should get some rest," he said with his kind voice. I shook my head.

"I feel fine. I just moved too quickly."

His eyes were studying me, trying to see the truth about my condition.

"I want to go out, even just for a moment," I tried to convince him. "I want to see the forest." I didn't know why it was so important to me to see the forest closer. But it called out to me, drawing me in.

Apparently Carlisle had seen my determination. Or maybe he was pleased that I was willing to be so active. "Alright," he consented. "But you'll let me carry you if you get tired. And you'll eat something before going to bed."

His words made me frown in a sulking manner. He knew how to play.

"Those are my conditions, Bella," he said. His voice was serious, and I wondered if I had upset him. But then I saw a small grin making the other side of his lips quirk. "Take it or leave it."

I gritted my teeth as I glared him under my brow. "Fine," I huffed, choiceless.

If Carlisle was triumphant, he didn't show it. He wore an expression that recflected pure calm and contentment. I didn't have the chance to resist as he suddenly slided his arms behind my back and knees. I let out a surprised squeal as he lifted me up into his arms, and started to make his way to the stairs in a steady human pace.

"Hey!" My huffy voice echoed in the silent house. "Carrying me upstairs wasn't a part of the deal," I whined. Despite of my resistance I curled my other hand on his shoulder, silently admiring the hard muscle under his shirt.

"I am aware of that," he chuckled, obviously enjoying my annoyment.

"You're not playing fair," I complained, trying to forget how close his perfect body was to mine.

"That is a habit I've picked up from Alice, I'm afraid."

I snorted quietly at his words. After a few more steps we were nearing the bedroom. Carlisle pushed the door open with his elbow, carrying me inside the blue room.

Alice was folding clothes on top of the bed, wearing an expression that reflected deep concentration and ponderment. Her goldenbrown eyes squinted as she observed the clothing. She apparently had difficulty to decide what should I wear.

"This pair," she eventually stated. I wasn't sure if she was talking to me or to herself. She snatched a pair of grey sweatpants off the bed, turning to me and Carlisle.

Carlisle lowered me down on the floor, wrapping his arm around my waist in case I didn't feel steady. But his concern was proved to be unnecessary. The dizziness had passed and I felt fine again. I started to evaluate the black wool jacket and the pair of black sweaters that Alice had folded on the bed. They looked warm and comfy.

"Jasper wants to go hunting," she informed Carlisle before stepping out of the room. Carlisle acknowledged her words with a nod, and I heard them speaking quietly with barely audible words.

I stepped closer to the bed, taking the sweatpants in my hands. The material was soft and thick, and it made me wonder that maybe I should have told Alice that I'm not going to Antartica.

In any case I started to yank them up my legs, leaning against the bed for support. I didn't bother to take the jeans off - I would stay a lot warmer if I had two layers of clothing on me.

I managed to get the pants on without any incidents. Carlisle didn't seem to be bothered by my slow movements, and he waited patiently as I dressed, ready to step in if I would get off balance.

I glanced at the black jacket on the bed, only find out it wasn't on the there anymore; Carlisle was already holding it open for me. I slid my arms into the warm coat, savoring the feeling of the warm material around my body.

Carlisle wore a small smile as he covered my head with a dark red wool hat, tugging it over my ears. For a moment I felt like a two-year old.

Then he handed me a pair of mittens, the same color than the hat.

"Thanks," I muttered, slipping my hands into them. The material tickled against my skin. "You would think that I'm going to the North Pole or something," I chuckled, slipping my feet into the winter boots that Alice had left for me.

"Better safe than sorry," Carlisle hummed.

I felt even more clumsy than I normally would, wearing the the thick fabric armor around my thin body. But I had to admit that I was finally warm enough.

The way to downstairs was easier than the way up, and I gave Carlisle no reason to carry me; my steps were steady and I didn't feel at all weak. I had to admit that I hadn't felt this good in a long time. Maybe getting out of the hospital was a better idea than I had thought.

Carlisle grabbed himself a coat from the hangar before opening the door, probably doing so out of habit. I wondered how low the temperature had to go until he got cold.

The sun had set almost completely during our time upstairs, only a thin streak of light enlightening the sky. It was the time of twilight. The snow creaked beneath our shoes as we made our way down the stone steps of the porch.

The air was very crisp, and it almost burned in my throat and lungs, but I didn't complain.

"It will be a starry night," Carlisle whispered into the silence. His smooth voice didn't manage to break the stillness, though. It was almost as if his voice belonged to it, to this moment.

I glanced at the sky. It was mostly dark, covered with clouds, but some of them were very sheer. I found myself hoping that I would be able to stay up long enough to see the stars.

Our pace was slow as we walked on the trampled path towards the forest. It was a quite narrow footpath; Carlisle and I barely managed to walk side by side. His elbow brushed against my arm every once in a while.

Somewhere far a way a flock of ravens, or at least I thought they were ravens, took off from the trees. Carlisle snorted quietly beside me.

"Alice and Jasper," he explained. I wondered what kind of an animal they had been stalking.

"Can you hear them all the way here?" I asked, curious about how good his hearing was. I knew he could easily hear the sound of a heartbeat from severeal hundred yards away, for instance. But that place up there in the mountains where the ravens had took off was at least several hundred meters away. Maybe even a few miles.

"Vaguely," he answered. "I can't hear what they are speaking of, but they can be quite vocal if they come across a mountain lion, for example. And Alice's giggling can be quite clamorous," he chuckled.

I reached out to brush my mitten covered hand against a thick pine that grew by the path. I could almost feel how coarse the bark would feel against my skin. I wondered how old this particular pine was; it would be impossible for me to wrap my arms around it.

"It's a quite old tree," Carlisle said, knowing what I was thinking. "I estimate that most of the trees around the house are at least two hundred years old."

I glanced at him, smirking a bit. "Not as ancient as you are, then," I teased.

Carlisle pursed up his lips, pretending to be offended. But I could see behind his pretense; the laughter in his eyes revealed him. "If you were a little healthier, I would give you a roll in the snow for your foul words," he threatened.

"You wouldn't," I laughed. The thought of rolling in the cold snow made me shiver involuntarily. I cursed myself as Carlisle raised his brow, noting my shivering.

"Inside," he ordered. "You are cold, Bella."

"I'm not," I resisted, frowning at him. "I just have to keep moving. Let's walk a little bit further." Without waiting for his answer I started to march deeper into the forest. I heard Carlisle sigh quietly, and then follow me.

The forest was getting more dense around us. I bent my neck to see the sky through the tree branches. It was like a dark canvas, a bright evening star twinkling from above. I stopped on my tracks, admiring the tiny source of light.

"Venus," Carlisle whispered beside me. "You couldn't see the stars from the city. Luckily the light pollution doesn't quite reach all the way over here."

"It's beautiful," I whispered, turning my head towards him, even if I couldn't see his face properly. It was too dark for my eyes to see.

A shiver rippled through me again, and now I truly was cold. My fingers were getting numb inside the mittens.

Wordlessly, Carlisle set his palm on my shoulder and turned me around on the path. I couldn't have persuated him to stay even if I had wanted to. Of course it would have been wonderful to stay, and to watch the clouds receding and see each star igniting, one after another. But I was cold, and suddenly weary. The house looked warm and calling behind the trees. I noticed that Alice had put Christmas lights on the windows.

My heart was racing once again, and Carlisle heard it. "I'll carry you the rest of the way," he said.

"No, it's fine - ," I started to protest, only to find out that the ground beneath my feet disappeared as Carlisle lifted me up in his arms.

"We had a deal, Bella," he reminded, a teasing smile making his lips quirk. But behind his small smile I could see the worry. And I hated to make him worry. I curled my palm on his shoulder, silently complying.

After a moment he was already climbing the steps of the porch. I reached out with my other hand to turn the knob, yanking the door open to help him.

Carlisle whisked me straight to the living room, lowering me on the floor in front of the fireplace. His fingers tugged the zipper of my coat open and then he pulled the cold fabric off my body. He threw the coat carelessly to the couch, in a such fashion that Alice would disapprove without a doubt.

The red mittens followed the jacket and I eagerly spread my fingers, warming them in front of the fire.

After a moment the joints in my hands worked better, now when I had managed to get the blood circulating once again. I yanked the boots off my feet, wriggling my toes.

Carlisle seemed to be afraid to touch me; maybe he was worried that if his cold skin even as much as brushed against mine I would freeze to death or something. After covering me with a blanket he rushed into the kitchen, presumably starting to make me a cup of hot tea. I groaned inwardly as I remembered the second part of our little deal. I had promised him that I would eat something before going to bed.

The fire crackled and spat as the red flames consumed the wood. I was getting warm, and maybe a little sleepy, although it wasn't at all late. The fresh air had managed to wear me out.

Carlisle emerged from the kitchen after a moment, carrying a cup of hot tea in his hand and a small plate in another. I took the tea from him gratefully. "Thanks," I said, giving him a small smile.

He lowered his stone body next to mine, not sitting too close, as if he was still worrying that his presence would cause me to get chilly.

"Alice made you these," he said, gesturing at the small plate he had lowered on the floor. There were three huge chocolate cookies on it. I was pleasantly suprised; I had expected him to force me to eat something healthy and nourishing.

"Wow," I chuckled, taking one of them and sniffing the delicious aroma. "Alice has really made an effort," I said, amused but very pleased.

The cookie tasted even better than it smelled. It still amazed me how good cook she was despite of the fact that she didn't eat herself.

"She has," Carlisle answered. "She is very excited to have you here with us. As is Jasper," he assured. I lifted my eyebrow, as if to ask 'How about you?'.

His smile was warm, and his gaze as heated as the fire inside the fireplace. The flames reflected from his goldenbrown eyes as he scouted me. "And you being here brings peace to my soul, if I possess one," he said simply.

How could one sentence say so much?

"Of course you posses one," I answered immediately, my tone a little disapproving. How could he still even consider questioning his soul? His goodness?

He had the most beautiful soul. No one else was like him. I felt so fervently about it that took me a moment to realise that tears had filled my eyes. I blinked quickly, trying to get rid of the burn and moisture.

"Did I upset you?" Carlisle's voice was worried, almost horror-struck.

I shook my head. It was ridiculous for me to react like this, feel the need to defend him from his own thoughts and beliefs. I fixed my gaze to the brown liquid in the tea cup.

When I could trust my voice again I muttered, "Of course you have a soul," I insisted, risking to take a quick glance at him. He was studying me worriedly. After hearing my words his expression changed; I couldn't decipher it.

This conversation reminded me of the one we had had on that night over five years ago. I still bore a scar from that evening; the one in my arm and the other in my heart.

I felt the need to say something else to him, but I didn't know what. I wondered what was going through his mind at the moment. He was very quiet.

After a moment his posture changed, and he glanced towards the door of the living room. It took me a few seconds to be able to hear what he heard; the front door opened and banged closed as Alice and Jasper came in. They were only a blur to my eyes as they rushed into the living room, both of their eyes bright golden once again.

Jasper's eyes were curious as he noted the feelings in the room. He probably wondered the reason for my confusion and sadness. I was painfully unaware of Carlisle's feelings.

"How was your walk?" Alice chirped as she lowered her slender body to the couch next to Jasper. "Are the cookies okay?" she asked, unable to contain her worry. As if it would be a huge disaster if she had managed to ruin the cookies.

"Good," I said, answering to both of her questions. "It's so beautiful and calm in here," I offered, letting my eyes sweep Carlisle's face to see if he was himself again. He wore a small smile, but I could see that he was lost in his thoughts.

I drank the rest of the tea quickly, realising that I had managed to eat the whole cookie, and it surprised me a bit. It had been delicious, but huge. "Thanks for the tea," I commended Carlisle as I started to get up, taking the tea cup and the plate with me. I intended to take them into the kitchen myself. "And for the cookies," I added, giving Alice a smile.

Carlisle had gotten up the same time as I, taking the tea cup and the plate in his pale hands. "I'll take them," he insisted with his honey-like voice. "You sit down." He nodded his head towards the couch.

"You're spoiling me," I accused. The only answer I received was a tiny smile which he gave me before making his way to the hall.

Jasper patted the couch next to him invitingly. It still surprised me that he didn't keep his usual distance. I trusted him not to hurt me, but I didn't want to make him feel uncomfortable, and my presence and the scent of my blood usually managed to cause that to him. But apparently not anymore; not as much as it used to, at least.

I sat down next to Jasper, and Alive dived to the floor, picking up the blanket I had dropped. Then she walked back over to me, spreading it on my knees. I thanked her quietly.

The atmosphere was comfortable in the room with the fire crackling, and the light of the flames dancing on the floor and creating shadows in the room. I heard Carlisle running water over something in the kitchen.

"How was your hunting trip?" I asked, breaking the comfortable silence.

"Very nice," Alice answered with her chiming voice. "The mountains are so beautiful this time of the year." She looked at Jasper with pure love shining in her eyes. They seemed to have a bond that was almost magical; it made me wonder how they had met.

I should ask that from Alice some day. Or maybe Carlisle would be willing to tell their story.

I surprised myself by being so curious about their relationship. Usually when it came to love and emotions I tried not to pay attention. Maybe it was because of the bitterness I still carried inside me.

Alice came to sit on the other side of me. And even when I was now sitting in between the two cold marble bodies, I was feeling warm. Inside and outside.

Alice's nimble fingers reached out for a fashion magazine and she started to flick through it. Her enthusiastic voice echoed in the room as she started rambling about the pieces of fabrics and accessories. Her words were mostly pure gibberish to me; I nodded every once in a while, pretending to be listening.

The rest of the evening passed the same way. Carlisle came back from the kitchen and after a moment Jasper had engaged him in a conversation about some philosophical theory. Most of Alice's words went over my head, but it didn't bother me. I felt content to see the three of them so happy and casual.

Eventually I started to get tired, and before long Carlisle announced that I should get some sleep. I stifled a yawn as Alice helped me up from the couch. Before exiting the room I glanced over my shoulder to see the two angelic creatures sitting on the couch, their blonde hairs glowing in the dim lighting. I bid them a goodnight, wondering how was it like for them with no need to sleep. Their time must be endless; would they ever grow bored?

I stumbled through my evening rituals and human moments, but only figuratively for once. Keeping my eyes open while I was brushing my teeth was surprisingly difficult.

Alice had brought me a fresh pair of pajamas; they were made of black satin. The material felt smooth and silky against my skin. I expected to be cold inside the sheer fabric, but actually I was quite comfortable.

The bed was soft and warm as Alice guided me into it. I heard her saying something, but I couldn't catch the words. Before falling to sleep the last thing I saw was her happy smile as her golden eyes glowed in the light of the bedside lamp.

* * *

My dreams were restless; blurs of dark colors and howling screams chased me. Anguish conquered me so powerfully that it made me wake with a start.

I felt vexed. The last night had been so calm, and I had finally managed to get enough sleep. But I guess I couldn't get two good nights in a row. I didn't have such a good luck.

I switched on the lamp to see what time it was.

Three thirty in the morning. Awesome.

I switched the light off, turning onto my side. The sleep evaded me; every time the weariness almost managed to whisk me into slumber, my muscles twitched and I jumped awake.

Eventually I gave up. I didn't even feel tired anymore.

I sat up, throwing the blue covers aside. My socked feet hit the plush carpet, and I pushed myself up, groping for my blue robe from the back of a chair, cursing myself for turning off the lights.

I managed to get the robe on, leaving it untied. My fingers solved a knot in my hair as I walked to the door.

The hallway was dimly lit and silent, and it made me wonder where everyone were.

My feet took me to the dark and heavy door on the other end of the hall. I hadn't even consciously made the decision to come here, but for some reason I had.

The door opened before I had the chance to knock, revealing the golden-haired deity creature. His eyes bore a small surprise, mingled with a tinge of worry.

"Hey," I whispered, not knowing any other way to greet him in the middle of the night.

"You are up early. Are you well? Did you have a nightmare?" he asked urgently. I shook my head to reassure him.

"No, I just couldn't sleep. I'm sorry if I bothered you, maybe I should just go," I muttered, suddenly embarrassed. I turned to leave, only to notice that his hand had grabbed my nonexistent bicep. I glanced at him, surprised.

His golden irises gleamed intensely. "Stay," he asked. "I would appreciate the company," he added when I hesitated.

I stepped inside his study silently. Once again it took me a moment to take in the amount of books he had. My gaze devoured the shelves, my fingers itching to brush the spines of the old volumes.

"Go ahead and take a closer look," Carlisle encouraged, a smile shining from his voice. He knew how I felt; he had the same passion for books and reading as I did.

Or at least I had had that passion one time. The last few years of my life I had lost all the interest what came to literature. What came to anything. I had lost myself.

But as my gaze sweeped the amount of books, I think I felt a nudge from that old Bella that was hiding somewhere deep inside me.

I recognized many of the volumes, and I had even read a few of them. But only a fraction of the amount that Carlisle had in his possession. "Have you read them all?" I asked, my voice small and barely audible. I felt so insignificant.

Carlisle's smooth voice was casual as he answered, shrugging. "Most of them. There are a few I haven't had the chance to read yet. Jasper acquires books sometimes for himself and after reading them he brings them here," he answered.

A strangled noise made it's way from my throat. I don't know why it felt so incomprehensible for me that he had read almost thousands of books. He had the time, after all.

I felt his cool hand on my shoulder as he steered me to sit down on a small couch under the large window. I peeked outside as I sat down.

The forest and the mountains looked even more beautiful in night time while the crescent moon casted it's light on the white ground, and the stars twinkled against the dark sky.

The scenery was like from a cute postcard. But this was so much better than watching a piece of a cardboard.

I glanced at the man who had sat beside me. So much better.

"Can you tell me a reason why you couldn't sleep?" he asked, concerned. I shrugged, unwilling to tell him about the restless dreams. I didn't want him to worry.

"I wasn't tired anymore," I stated. My fingers brushed the melted wax of a Christmas candle that sat on the windowsill, casting the dim light into the dark room. Alice had probably put it there to make the room more Christmassy and festive. It surprised me how restrained she had been decorating the house for Christmas. She had settled with a few candles, chaplets and electric lights here and there. I had expected her to go out of control.

I didn't expect them to celebrate Christmas as humans did. But it still was a small wonder that Alice had been able to control herself for once; she must have really wanted me to be comfortable.

I bent my legs, sitting on my heels on the soft couch. "How did people celebrate Christmas in your youth?" I asked from Carlisle, tearing my gaze away from the red candle. He was looking at me intently, his golden eyes shining.

He turned his eyes to the candle I was still twiddling with my fingers. There was a faraway look in his eyes as he summoned the memories from hundreds of years back. "Christmas was outlawed a few years after I was born. It was considered to be a pagan celebration, with no biblical justification. Some people still continued to celebrate it, but they did so in secret." His golden eyes narrowed and he pursed up his lips. "My father also saw it as a wasteful festival. But he did honor the original reason to celebrate Christmas. I vaguely remember how he used to read the Gospel of Luke to me on Christmas Eve." He stopped speaking, a sad smile on his lips. His eyes were sad also; it pained me to see him so sorrowful.

He talked about his father in a respectful way. I knew Carlisle hadn't approved all the ways that his father had dealt with things. But love reflected from his voice as he spoke of him; he had been his father, after all.

"I was very young back then," he whispered. "And the human memories slip away easily." He drew in a deep breath, as if to rid himself of those memories. "I still read the Gospel sometimes, during Christmas time," he continued, his tone a little more lighter than before. But the sadness never left his eyes. "But it's been a several years since I have honored that tradition."

The silence fell after he stopped talking. The atmosphere was surreal, almost magical; the story I had heard was a very rare one, and for a moment I felt very special that he shared something so personal with me.

I never considered myself as a religious person. A part of me wanted to believe in a higher being, to believe that we were not all alone in this cruel world. That our existence mattered to someone.

Renée had been eager to try out churches every now and then. But that had been her hobby after all - trying out new things. I quickly turned my focus to something else to prevent the painful memories of my mother.

I thought of Carlisle's earlier words of how his father had read the Bible to him during Christmas time. I vaguely remembered a school play from years back; I had been six or seven. It had been school's Christmas Celebration, and we'd had to arrange a play of that very same Gospel.

Everyone else got the best parts to play. Someone was Mary, someone was Joseph. The rest of the children had been angels or shepherds and so on. And I had been stuck with being a snowflake. I mean, come on. A snowflake! And I had to dance across the small stage in a white twinkly costume.

Dancing and twinkly costumes weren't a good combination when it came to me. And a slippery floor added to the mess.

I suddenly had an urge to hear Carlisle's voice again. "Would you read it to me?" I asked, surprised by my own request.

Carlisle also looked surprised. "The Gospel according to Luke?" he asked, making sure he hadn't misunderstood.

I could relate to his surprise; it wasn't something I would normally ask from anyone. I gave him a small nod, which caused him to smile warmly at me.

He got up from the couch and went over to the bookshelf to pick up a heavy volume with black cover. I wondered how old that Bible was.

The couch dipped beside me as he sat down again, opening the worn book in his hands. I turned to him, leaning my head against the back of the couch.

He glanced at me, as if making sure that I really wanted to hear him read.

His voice was quiet and peaceful as he started. "Now it came to pass in those days, there went out a decree from Caesar Augustus, that all the world should be enrolled. This was the first enrolment made when Quirinius was governor of Syria."

I closed my eyes, listening to his silky voice that bore solemnity. I could see the events with my mind's eye; Carlisle's quiet mutterings conjured them as he recited. "...And she brought forth her firstborn son; and she wrapped him in swaddling clothes, and laid him in a manger, because there was no room for them in the inn..."

Carlisle painted me a picture of a group of shepherds in the night, along with the shining angel. "And the angel said unto them, Be not afraid; for behold, I bring you good tidings of great joy which shall be to all the people..."

My head started to droop. I leaned more heavily into the couch, trying to stay awake. Carlisle voice was so soothing, almost hypnotizing. His voice faded onto the backround, but never receded completely. I was so tired...

"...But Mary kept all these sayings, pondering them in her heart. And the shepherds returned, glorifying and praising God for all the things that they had heard and seen, even as it was spoken unto them."

I managed to mumble something at him when he stopped the reading. I didn't know what it was, and most likely he didn't either. His quiet chuckle echoed in the room, and I heard his quiet steps as walked somewhere. It almost made me open my eyes; I wanted to stop him, to tell him not to leave.

But he was back before I knew it. Something warm decended on my body as he covered me with a quilt. His cool hands slid against my other shoulder as he coaxed me to lie down on the couch.

I was asleep before my head hit the couch cushions. But even in sleep, I heard his soft tenor whispering words to me; soothing and reassuring.

It was my heaven.

* * *

**A/N:** Carlisle's is reciting the Gospel according to Luke, which is from the famous book called The Holy Bible. I don't own it, and I'm not God. But Carlisle is :)

I hesitated for a moment before having Carlisle reading the Bible to Bella. Religion is something that has a tendency to divide people. But I wanted him to read it; in New Moon we get a glimpse of the religious side of Carlisle. It brings deepness into his character and it makes in more human, more humble. I love that.

I'll start writing the next chapter today, if I won't drown in the gingerbread dough. It might take a few days to be finished but who knows. I might be on fire; sometimes that happens.

Have a peaceful Christmas! :)


	26. Chapter 26: Shared

**Stephenie Meyer owns Twilight :)  
**

* * *

_**Those we love don't go away,**_

_**They walk beside us every day,**_

_**Unseen, unheard, but always near,**_

_**Still loved, still missed and very dear.**_

**-**Unknown author**-**

* * *

CPOV

"Alice, leave me alone."

Bella's exasperated voice made me lift my gaze from the book I was reading. I turned my head, focusing on the conversation that was taking place at the other end of the hallway. Judging from the way Bella's voice resonated from the walls, I figured that they were in the bathroom.

Alice's high-pitched voice was determined. "But Bella, you are not well enough. Let me help you."

I heard the sound of clothes rustling as Bella shrugged them off, presumably preparing to take a shower. My intention was not to listen so closely; I wanted to give Bella the privacy she deserved. But I was cursed with the ability to hear even the quietests of sounds, and at times it had proved to be useful.

I returned in my memories to previous night - or this morning, to be more accurate. I had been slightly surprised when I had heard Bella getting out of bed and making her way to the door of my study. At first I had suspected that she was sleepwalking, but her breathing and steady movements had allowed me to believe that she was awake.

Concern had engulfed me immediately; had she had a nightmare? Was she feeling ill? I had opened the heavy door of my study before she'd had the chance to knock.

After making sure that she wasn't upset, I had quickly let my gaze sweep her from head to toe. The black sating she had been wearing hung loosely around her thin frame, and the dark blue robe cascaded down her body like a waterfall. The dark brown curls framed her face in a lovely way, still a little tangled and messy from sleep.

How wonderful she had looked, standing there and looking so lost. A sudden surge of tenderness had filled me, and the need to shield her had been nearly compelling.

She had apologized for bothering me, sheepishly turning away. And I had stopped her, selfishly asking her to stay. And she had, making my heart rejoice.

I could still remember how her gaze had devoured the amount of books resting on the towering shelves of my study. It was joyful to notice that someone shared the same passion for books as I did.

Her request to read the Bible had been a surprise for me. I had never considered her as a religious person. But I must admit, that it had been a pure joy for me to recite that particular text in her presence. It brought me memories of my father.

And I had realized, that even if reading the Bible reminded me of the things I had lost, it brought me comfort nonetheless. And I hoped it could bring some sort of solace also for Bella.

The weariness had eventually overpowered her, and I had laid her gently down on the couch, covering her with a warm quilt. After I had made sure that she was fast asleep, I had attempted to move her to her bed so she would be more comfortable. But when I had tried to lift her slender body to my arms, she had stirred and almost woken up.

So I had left her there, deciding that it was better for her to get enough rest. Luckily the couch wasn't too uncomfortable, and I had only hoped she wouldn't be too achy in the morning after sleeping on it.

Alice had arrived a few minutes ago to wake her up, bringing her a cup of tea.

"I'm fine, Alice," Bella's tired voice reassured again, wrenching me from my thoughts.

Alice's loud sigh echoed in the bathroom. "Come on, Bella. Look how pale you are! You're a lot more tired than yesterday," she insisted.

"It's because I couldn't sleep properly," Bella stated.

I head the sound of brushing as she tried to untangle her hair.

"But still," Alice argued. I could hear that her patience was wearing thin. "I'll just make sure that you don't fall down or anything. And it's not like I haven't seen you naked before." Her tone was casual, as if she was talking about the weather.

I tried to focus my thoughts on the book once again, trying to block the voices and sudden images of Bella's bare figure in the shower.

This was wrong.

What was the matter with me?

"It's not the same," Bella said. Her tone was bored, and she sounded like she was miles away. "And oh my God, when have you seen me naked?" she asked, as if she had only now realised what Alice had said.

"Bella," Alice sighed, exasperated. "Remember the time you broke your leg and you were recovering? I saved your dignity during that summer," she teased.

"Oh," Bella muttered, obviously remembering. "Yeah, that takes me back," she remarked, sarcasm radiating from her tone.

I had to chuckle quietly.

The sound of clothes swishing and rustling resonated once again, but the sounds were cut off by Alice's sudden intake of breath. It made me listen closely - was something amiss?

"Ouch," Alice commented. "Those are bad bruises."

I let out the breath I was holding, relaxing. Of course it shocked Alice to see what kind of state Bella was in. She had lost a lot of weight, and bruising was a common sympton when suffering from leukemia.

"You know me. I stumble all the time," Bella responded. "And it's nothing unusual with leukemia, anyway. Something to do with the blood cells or something. Ask Carlisle," she suggested. I heard her turning the water tap as she stepped into the shower. The curtain was drawn.

"Speaking of Carlisle..." Alice began.

Once again I had to abandon my book to listen. Technically I was not eavesdropping; I just couldn't help overhearing. And Alice knew I was here. She knew I was listening.

"You two seem... close," Alice stated cautiously.

I listened without breathing, suddenly very curious of Bella's response.

"Well... I don't know," Bella muttered, her heartbeat quickening. What did it mean? "He's my doctor," she offered after a moment.

A wave of emotions washed over me. Emotions I couldn't give a name to. But it resembled... disappointment.

The water tap was turned off after a few minutes of silence. I heard Bella draw the curtains back and step out from the shower, wrapping a towel around herself.

"He's different with you," Alice insisted.

What was Alice trying to say to Bella? I didn't want her to feel uncomfortable. I cleared my throat, knowing very well that Alice could hear it. "Alice," I warned.

She ignored me as usual, preparing to say something else. But it was Bella's voice that sounded in the bathroom, among the sounds of fabric brushing against her skin as she wriggled into her clothes. "He's been a wonderful friend to me," she said quietly, a melancholy timbre in her tone.

The sadness in her voice made me worry, and apparently it had the very same effect on Alice. Her tone was fervent and persuasive as she spoke. "You're important to him, Bella. More than you may realise. You are important to _us_."

Once again it was very silent. Only the sound of Bella's quick heartbeat and breathing could be heard. How I wished that I knew what was going through her mind. I knew she was still burdened with guilt and grief; Jasper had confirmed it.

I wished she could let me help her.

"So why can't you make the decision?" Alice demanded quietly.

I felt myself tensing, knowing this conversation was bound to take place sooner or later - I knew how impatient Alice was growing. But I had no wish to put pressure on Bella. It was her decision, and I could not force her to make it until she was ready.

And to be honest, her answer concerned me. What if she said no?

I couldn't bear it.

Bella's tone bore all the emotions I was going through at the moment as she whispered the next words.

"I don't know."

A heavy silence fell once more. Suddenly I found myself wishing that Jasper were here, interpreting the ongoing emotions to me. My own and Bella's. But Jasper was outside in the forest, getting more firewood. He must have gone pretty far, because I couldn't hear the sound of branches snapping anymore as he cut them off from the trees.

"I know how wrong it is to make you guys wait," Bella said after a moment. "And I feel bad about it, believe me."

I heard the sound of Alice's palm stroking against the fabric of Bella's sweater. "Bella, I'm sorry. I don't mean to push you," she apologized. "It's a big decision. But I'm only trying to point out to you the good reasons to say yes," Alice explained, her voice a little regretful for making Bella miserable. "And I can only imagine how you are feeling. Edward - ," she stopped abruptly, the pain of saying the name of his brother still affecting her.

Alice took a needless breath to gather her bearings. "I know he's gone, Bella. And an eternity is a long time to spend without him."

Bella's sarcastic huff resonated from the tiles.

"But Bella, Carlisle lost his mate, too. But he's still moving forward. Of course he grieves for Esme, and he'll never forget her. But he has no choice but to go on," Alice whispered.

This conversation was getting too much for me to bear. The images of Esme were emerging from my memories; the way she smiled, the way the sun glistened in her caramel hair...

Of course I grieved for her. That grief had no end.

"How is he? I mean... How did he pull through it?" Bella's silent voice asked. Her question surprised me although it shouldn't have. Of course she had to be concerned about me, and the way I was coping. She always put the others before herself.

I got up from my chair, feeling that this conversation wasn't meant for my ears anymore. And I was a coward; I didn't want to think of those days after Esme and Edward had died.

I made my way swiftly downstairs. Alice's voice reverberated in my ears - sometimes these supersensitive senses were a mere curse.

"He was... It took a long time until he was himself again," she said. "He still felt the need to be the leader and the brave one, even when he was hurting. He wanted to be strong for us." Alice's voice was tender, and she gave a short laugh. "There's no one like him."

I didn't know if her words were directed at Bella or to me. But gratitude radiated from her tone, and I felt my cold heart swelling from the love I felt for the petite woman I considered as my daughter.

"He's unique," Bella whispered.

If I were a human, and if the blood still was coursing through my veins, I might have blushed at Bella's words. That simple sentence made me feel pleased.

And in that moment, I wasn't cursing my oversensitive hearing.

* * *

The air smelled like snow and pine needles. I eagerly drew in a deep breath; it was a smell of purity and sanctity.

I turned towards the house, bypassing a group of spruces that grew closely together. I hadn't gone too far into the forest, staying close enough so I could still hear if something was amiss in the house.

The sound of Jasper yanking a branch off the tree echoed in the woods, along with his silent curse as a heap of snow fell on him. I decided to go and help him with the firewood before he caused an avalanche.

He had managed to collect a quite big pile of wood, enough to last at least for two days. I greeted him quietly before grabbing an armful of branches.

"Thanks," he said, brushing the snow off his shoulders. "Did Alice say anything about bringing a Christmas tree? I figured that if she wants one I should let her choose it herself. The ones I pick are always too small," he laughed.

I shook my head, also chuckling. "No, she didn't say anything yet. She's assisting Bella," I answered, nodding at the direction of the house. I wondered what kind of a turn the conversation had taken after my leaving.

I had been wandering in the forest almost an hour now, lost in my thoughts. I had been thinking about everything and nothing at all, but most of the time Esme had been on my mind.

"Is something wrong?"

Jasper's voice penetrated into my mind - he was sensing my distress.

"No." I quickly shook my head to reassure him. "Just thinking. Remembering."

Jasper's golden eyes were sympathetic; I didn't have to say anything more. He nodded, sending a wave of comfort towards me. It was his way of saying that he understood. That I wasn't alone.

We started to make our way towards the house, our arms full of wood and branches. After a few hundred yards of walking I heard the sound of Bella's heartbeat and her steady breathing.

It was the sound of home.

We stomped our shoes at the porch to get rid of the snow, knowing that Alice wouldn't appreciate the wet puddles of water on the hardwood floors.

After leaving the firewood in the living room, I made my way to the kitchen where Bella and Alice already sat. I greeted them quickly, pulling myself a chair and sitting opposite of Bella.

Alice's expression was surprisingly unsatisfied, and it made me wonder the reason behind her bad mood. She was pouting, her slender arms crossed against her chest. I glanced at Bella who was sipping her tea, my hand grabbing the newspaper from the table at the same time. I studied her face to find out if something was wrong.

She was paler than the day before; that's what Alice had said earlier when she had been helping Bella.

Maybe she was just tired. I tried to suppress my concern, opening my mouth to start a casual conversation.

"How's your morning been so far?" I asked, pretending to be oblivious of hers and Alice's earlier conversation.

Bella glanced at me quickly with her brown eyes. "Good," she responded shortly. Her short smile didn't convince me.

Alice had decided to reveal the cause of her displease. "She refused to eat anything," she said quietly.

Bella rolled her eyes towards the ceiling.

"I wasn't hungry. I can have something later," she muttered, avoiding my gaze.

I stood up, moving to sit down next to her. She sighed, wrapping her fingers around the mug. I knew how much she hated fussing around, but I had to know if she was unwell.

I reached out with my palm to touch her forehead. "You're a bit warm," I noted, listening to the beating of her heart. It was still beating fast, even a little irregularly. "Alice, would you - ?" I glanced at the black-haired dainty woman sitting next to Bella.

"I'm on it," she answered and disappeared from the kitchen, already knowing what I was about to ask. After a few seconds of absence she returned, carrying my black leather bag.

Bella groaned quietly.

I heard Jasper leaning against the doorframe, sending waves of calm at my direction. He was invaluable.

I took Bella's blood pressure, noting that it was a little high. Usually her blood pressure tended to be too low. Concern filled me, and for a moment I considered taking her back to the hospital. But then I decided against it; it would be better if she stayed here, under my constant observation.

"How are you feeling?" I asked from Bella. "Any sickness?"

She shook her head. "I'm fine. It's nothing. Just a little tired," she muttered. I took the blood pressure cuff off her arm, brushing my fingers against her cheek. Bella responded with a small smile. "You worry too much," she said.

I chuckled. "That's what I hear," I remarked, reaching out to help her up and intending to take her into the living room. It was much warmer than the rooms upstairs.

I settled her on the couch, requesting her to lie down despite of her resistance. I ignored her glares as I covered her with a blanket - her annoyance was endearing, and I had to press my lips together to prevent myself from smiling.

Jasper had followed us to the room along with Alice, and he bent his tall frame in front of the fireplace, busying himself with starting the fire. I heard Alice closing up the curtains, and after a moment the lights were turned off; maybe she wanted the room to be more atmospheric, or then she dimmened it in the hope of Bella falling asleep.

I sat on the edge of the couch, glancing down at Bella. Her brown eyes followed carefully the two other members of my family as they hustled in the room. "Are you comfortable enough?" I asked, reaching out to take another pillow. I slid my arm behind her shoulders, lifting her light frame to get the pillow behind her head.

Her gaze burned as she muttered words between her teeth. "I'm not an invalid," she grumbled. I knew she wasn't seriously upset, and as her small fist gave my arm a slight jab I could only chuckle. She was so adoring when her eyes flared that way.

"I'm aware of that," I remarked, brushing my thumb against her jaw tenderly. Her eyes softened at my touch.

I vaguely heard Alice and Jasper discussing about the position of the Christmas tree in the room. But I was too lost in Bella's eyes to listen more carefully. After a moment Alice's annoyed tone made me look away.

"Carlisle, are you listening to me at all?"

I raised my brow, glancing at her and Jasper. "Pardon me, what did you say?"

Curiously enough, Alice didn't seem to be too upset even though I hadn't been paying attention. She exchanged a smile with Jasper, confusing me.

"I only asked your opinion about the Christmas tree. How about that corner?" she repeated very slowly, as if I was a little slow-witted. She pointed her finger towards the small space behind the couch.

"Sure, why not," I answered. "Anywhere's fine. I trust your judgement." I turned to glance downwards at Bella. "What do you think?"

Her eyes were drooping, and I wasn't sure if she was completely awake. "Hmmh," she mumbled. "I wouldn't trust Alice. If you give her too much power she can do something crazy," she muttered with her eyes still closed.

Laughter echoed in the room after her words, but Alice's looked sour, apparently thinking that she didn't deserve such a steep critique from Bella. But she couldn't bring herself to look upset for too long; after a moment she grinned, tying her arm around Jasper's elbow.

It didn't take long until Bella was sound asleep. I decided to take a look at her hand while she slept, being very careful while unwrapping the gauze.

Jasper moved towards the living room door, looking tense and cautious.

"It's all right, Jasper. The cuts have healed pretty well," I reassured, understanding his worry. I searched the scabs on her knuckles; there were no signs of infection. "No fresh blood," I added.

Jasper relaxed visibly, walking back into the room. He sat down on the other couch. "A part of me wonders if I really could be able to control myself in case she starts to bleed," he pondered quietly. Alice moved to sit down next to him, touching his shoulder soothingly. "I just don't want to take any risks."

I nodded. "I understand that, Jasper. But there will be a day when you will find that you're completely confident with yourself. It may take time, but you will get there, I am sure of it," I assured.

A small smile lighted up Jasper's face as he looked at me. "Thank you for your trust, Carlisle. You've been very patient with me," he thanked. Alice gave his cheek a quick kiss.

"You won't hurt her, Jazz," she declared tenderly.

They left the house after a moment, and the hunt began. Not for the perfect prey, but for the perfect Chritmas tree - I suspected that it might take some time; Alice could be very picky sometimes. And I was certain she wanted everything to be even more perfect than usually, because Bella was here.

I decided to cover Bella's cuts with small band-aids instead of the gauze. The cuts were healing quickly, and it'd be easier to change the band-aids than the gauze. I was sure that it took some effort from Bella to manage the showering without wetting the bandage.

After taking care of her hand I decided to pass the time with some reading, and I made my way upstairs to search for my book, hoping that Bella wouldn't wake up while I was gone.

I let my gaze sweep the shelves of my study, trying to find my rare volume of English potery, but only to realize that the book I was searching wasn't there. After that I checked the shelf in my bedroom, idly wondering if Alice had hidden a part of my books somewhere.

I made my way back downstairs, making sure that Bella was still asleep. Her breathing was slow and even, and she looked very peaceful while curled up on her side.

My steps took me to the dark brown bureau Alice had situated in the corner of the room. I drew open the drawers swiftly, hoping to find my book from there. My fingers pulled out a stack of papers, and I eagerly looked closer to see what I had found.

On top of the stack, there were blueprints of a house I couldn't recognize. I browsed the pile quickly, revealing something else beneath the blueprints.

They were paintings and sketches; some of them unfinished. For a short moment I was able to admire the way the colours played and danced on the white backround, bringing the figures alive.

But the admiration soon turned to something else, as the sharp piercing grief stepped in it's place. The venom stung in my eyes and throat.

How many times over the decades had I seen her pick up the pencil? And her delicate fingers had reached out for a notepad on the table, and she would sit down on the stairs or on the couch, her fingers drawing drafts, creating and connecting lines together with her thoughts. And her golden eyes had glowed with satisfaction; there had been nothing more wonderful for her than draw her ideas and visions on the paper. And from those flimsy sketches became plans, and from those plans became buildings and houses.

Homes.

I looked down at the blueprints, realising that these must have been the last plans she had ever made. But she hadn't had the chance to finish them. No walls would be built around these plans.

They were only lines on the blank paper. Incomplete. Like me.

I was drowning.

I had been so lost in my memories that I hadn't heard as Bella stirred. It was her voice that wrenched me from my memories.

"Carlisle?"

Her tone was confused, questioning. I wanted to turn to her, to smile and give her the reassurance that she needed and deserved. But I didn't want her to see how distraught I was; I hadn't been this upset in a long time.

"Is something wrong?" she asked when I didn't turn around. I still hadn't found my voice.

I swallowed the venom that was creeping up my throat. "No," I said, not quite able to keep the tremor from my voice. "Go back to sleep," I whispered.

But she didn't obey. I could sense her stare as she sat up and looked at me. Her worry and confusion didn't help me; the sorrow and regret only escalated in my heart.

The blueprints swished and rustled as I chucked them on the bureau, and my feet were taking me quickly towards the door. I couldn't bear Bella's scrutinizing gaze; I kept my eyes strictly forward, never looking at her.

"Excuse me for a moment," I managed to stutter before leaving the room.

The kitchen was quiet and peaceful. I leaned heavily against the granite counter in front of the window, drawing in a deep breath to compose myself. The liquid pooled in my eyes, the tears I could never shed burning my irises.

I heard Bella getting up slowly, and soon her steps wandered in the living room. The sound of her fingers brushing against the papers resonated from the walls.

I hoped I hadn't frightened her with my odd behaviour and abrupt departure. She shouldn't have to worry about me. But I knew I couldn't have stayed; I couldn't break down in front of her.

Bella's heartbeat quickened, and I heard her swallow as she viewed the papers; she knew. Her steps were quiet and soft as she made her way across the living room.

I didn't want her to come here; I still wasn't in control of my emotions.

I rather felt her presence than smelled or heard her, and I risked to take a quick glance at the door where she was standing. Her eyes were cautious and wary, and it made me wonder if she was afraid of me.

I turned my head away in shame.

The warmth exuded from her body as she neared. I wanted to tell her that everything was alright - that she shouldn't fear me. But the words stuck to my throat, and as her warm hand rose to grasp my arm gently, it was only then when I realized that I was trembling. My eyes squeezed closed as I tried to summon the peace to take away the turmoil.

"Do you miss her?"

Her whisper was quiet and feeble, almost childlike. But in that whisper I heard all the emotions I was going through at the moment. And suddenly I realised that she knew; she understood the turmoil and the surges of pain. She was walking that same path, facing that same demon from day to day.

I exhaled shakily, cracking my eyelids open. "Yes," I whispered. Her grip around my arm tightened.

I ran a hand through my hair, trying to gather my composure. "I'm sorry," I apologized, facing away. I didn't know why I was so ashamed of my sudden ourburst of feelings; it just had been such a shock to open the drawer and see the paper pile in my hands, oblivious of what it was. I wondered idly who had put them in the bureau; I couldn't remember packing them when I had moved.

"Hey," Bella said, her voice still quiet. "It's okay." Her hand tugged my sleeve; she wanted me to look at her. How could I refuse? Seeing her was such a pleasure for me. Her brown eyes brought me the peace I craved so much.

I saw her inviting movement, and before I even realised I had stepped closer into her embrace. Her warm arms wrapped around my cold body, her other hand sliding up to my neck. Her fingers trailed patterns there, soothing and reassuring. I drew in a deep breath; her hair smelled like flowers and wild berries.

Her breath was moist and hot against my neck. I held onto her small frame more tightly, pressing my ear against her neck and listening the blood coursing and rushing through her veins. I could feel her pulse throbbing against the skin of my cheek.

Her heart was surprisingly calm. Hearing the steady beat of the vibrant organ made me feel calmer also; her heartbeat was like music to me, the most wonderful melody ever composed. And with every beat, I felt my own inflamed wounds start healing.

I lost the track of time as we stood there, embracing each other, keeping our mutual pain at bay. Eventually a slight shiver shook Bella's thin frame, and I hastily pulled away, afraid that I was making her cold.

But she surprised me by holding onto my shirt, as if she didn't want to separate. Her reaction was a new one to me. Usually she avoided the physical touch, refusing to take comfort and always pushing me away. During these short weeks she had always been distant and withdrawn, as if she thought that letting anyone near enough to touch her would end her up getting hurt.

I couldn't blame her for that fear.

But now she was molding against my touch. Willing to touch me, and to be touched. With a startle I realised that she really wanted to be here, so close to me.

And I wanted to be close to her, and it felt like this closeness wasn't nearly enough.

For one fleeting moment I felt like a human; like I was alive.

I drew back to see her face. Her eyes roared and flamed as she burned me with her brown gaze; everything about her was warm. The color of her eyes and her hair, the soft creamy skin... Everything.

Goose bumps covered her skin as I reached out to touch her shoulder. A shiver rippled through her, making her body tremble. I knew I should get her back to the living room, not wanting her to get cold. But I allowed myself one selfish moment before letting her slip from my grasp; I couldn't help myself. I wasn't perfect.

At times, I was only a human.

I leaned closer to draw in her lovely scent, pressing my lips against her cheek. I felt her fingers pressing against the back of my neck, and suddenly her heart wasn't calm anymore; it was beating furiously.

I drew back slowly to prevent myself from doing something foolish.

Her palms settled onto my chest, fingers pressing my stone hard body. I saw her swallowing hard, trying to even out her breaths.

Had I caused that?

I searched her eyes. She was avoiding my gaze, her pink lips slightly open as she stared at my chest, refusing to look up at me. She was a mystery to me; what was she thinking? Was she upset with me? Had the ground shifted beneath her feet, the same way as beneath my own?

My hands dropped from her shoulders, and the movement caused her to finally look up; I saw my own worry reflected back from her brown orbs.

She swallowed again, also letting her own hands drop from my chest. The lack of her touch left me reeling, and I could almost swear that my dead heart grew more heavy.

"Do you feel better?" she asked, and suddenly I understood the earlier fear and wariness in her eyes. She had been concerned about me, not afraid of me as I had thought. A small part of my mind felt relief at the realisation.

But the rest of my mind was occupied. She was still looking at me, her pale skin almost as white as snow. Dressed in the black sweater the paleness seemed even more prominent.

The last few minutes she had seemed to be healthier as she had given me the comfort I was yearning for. But now, I was able to see the illness behind her worried eyes. Yet here she stood, her body and mind exhausted from the terminal sickness, and she was using the little energy she had to comfort me.

What an exquisite and precious creature she was.

"Yes," I whispered, and I realised that it was the truth. "I'm sorry that I unsettled you." The apology was poor, but it was all I could offer at the moment.

Bella shook her head, smiling a tired smile. "You were sad. There's no reason to apologize for that." I saw her shuddering again a bit, even though she tried to hide it.

"You're cold," I fretted, and I started to steer her towards the living room. She huffed quietly, but didn't resist.

She suddenly stopped at the threshold of the living room door, leaning against the frame.

"Bella," I called out, grasping her arm to hold her up. She had closed her eyes, shaking her head as if to clear it. My anxious tone got her attention, and she opened her eyes, glancing at me quickly.

"I'm okay," she insisted, blinking furiously. I cursed myself for causing her to get up; she shouldn't be on her feet when she was so unwell.

I prepared to take her in my arms and carry her for the rest of the way, but she took a step forward into the room, probably to banish my concerns. I didn't release my hold of her arm, wanting to make sure that she was steady on her feet.

Bella steered her steps toward the fireplace instead of the couch and lowered herself on the floor. I grabbed a blanket from the couch, wrapping it around her. Then I crouched down next to her, reaching out to toss more firewood into the flames to warm the room.

As Bella was trying get warm, tightening the blanket around her shoulders, I noticed her gaze creeping quietly to the corner of the room. Her brown eyes settled on the dark brown bureau, and my gaze followed hers.

The paintings and the blueprints were still scattered on the wooden surface, where I had tossed them earlier during my moment of grief. I felt Bella's eyes leave the stack of papers and settle on my face, observing. I considered getting up and shoving the papers back inside the drawers, burying and hiding them. Wanting to forget. But I knew running away wouldn't help me, nor it would help Bella

So I settled more comfortably on the floor next to her, leaving the memories on the table undisguised. Maybe it was good for Bella to see that sometimes it was healthy not to hide from the pain, even if it wasn't easy.

She turned her eyes away from my face, shifting her gaze towards the flames before us.

"She was very talented," she whispered. Her tone was tender, almost apologizing; she was worried about my reaction.

A twinge of pain gashed my heart, and I had to swallow before answering. "Yes she was," I agreed. Suddenly the words were flowing out of my mouth like a stream; I couldn't have stopped myself even if I had wanted to. "I remember one time a few years ago when a young married couple requested her to restore a very old Victorian house for them. The building was in a terrible shape, with no electricity or any other modern comforts. The roof was leaking, and a huge community of bats had resided in the attick. Every night, after the renovators and the other workes left the site, Esme would roll up her sleeves and get to work herself."

A chuckle escaped my mouth as I remembered. "She would come home by dawn, her clothes covered in dust and spackle. The other workers never understood why it took so little time to get the house done in such a short period of time," I laughed quietly once again, vaguely realising that I had never been able even to smile at the memories of Esme after her death. But now, instead of the piercing grief I only felt tenderness and yearning.

Bella had gone very still; even her breathing had stopped as she silently listened my story. I wrenched my eyes away from the flames, studying her expression.

She wore a small but sad smile, salty moistness gathering in the corners of her eyes. She turned away when I looked at her, blinking furiously the tears away. The blanket tightened around her frame as she tightened it around her shoulders. The gesture was somehow evasive; she was still hiding from me.

The distance was short between our bodies, and we were sitting only inches away from each other. But still, I suddenly felt like she had moved miles further only by turning her head away. There was a deep chasm between us now, and I couldn't just step over it. I needed a bridge so I could reach her.

But that bridge was far from finished; it would take time to build it until it was complete.

How easy it would be just to reach out with my hand and touch her - my fingers itched to brush the veil of hair behind her ear so I could see her face. The dark brown mane was like a veil, concealing her behind it.

Bella let out a trembling breath. Her hand rose, and she ran a hand through her hair, brushing the brown locks away from her face. Her expression was now more relaxed than a minute before; almost indifferent. I already knew she was very skilled when it came to controlling her emotions, but it still disturbed me how different she looked now than a moment ago.

After hearing me talk about Esme she had been touched and emotional, and I preferred the emotion over the mask she had on now.

But Bella also had the ability to surprise me, time after time. She proved that she still possessed that quality, when she opened her mouth to ask a question.

"What did you love the most about her?" she asked.

I felt the pain in my heart ease as I talked; I had expected to feel the opposite. But perhaps Bella had realised this. Maybe she had sensed that talking about it made me feel better.

So I talked. I told her that Esme had possessed the ability to love passionately the people around her. I told her about the way her eyes had lighted up every time she had started to draw or paint, and I told about the excitement in her tone when she had been considering the best color options for a house she was decorating.

Bella's mask melted away as I shared those stories and memories with her, and I even managed to draw a smile out of her after a few minutes.

After a moment of remembering, I reached out to add some wood into the fire. Bella shifted on the floor, turning her head from side to side and groaning almost inaudibly.

"Are your shoulders stiff?" I asked, reaching out with my hand to press my fingers against the tense muscles of her shoulders. She tensed momentarily, but then she relaxed, leaning into my touch. Her head dropped to her chest, the brown curls cascading down in her lap.

I stroked her shoulders with my fingers, careful not to use too much force. Bella sighed quietly, almost contently; the massage must have felt good against the sore muscles.

After a moment her breathing changed, her head sagging a bit. Then she jumped, drawing in a sharp breath. I had to smile fondly; only she could fall asleep while sitting.

Her silent groan made me remove my hand in the fear that I had hurt her - she was so fragile.

She rubbed her eyes with her fingers quickly, looking slightly dazed.

"Sleepy?" I inquired.

She nodded, giving a quiet chuckle.

"Yeah. You have a very relaxing effect on me," she smiled. "Whether you're reading the Bible or giving me a massage," she laughed, both of us remembering the previous night.

She seemed to be so tired that I decided to help her on the couch so she could get some rest. As I led her across the room and settled her on the couch, she seemed to be barely awake. I covered her with a blanket quickly, sitting down on the edge of the cushions.

"Thanks," she suddenly muttered, cracking her eyes open to look at me.

I didn't know if she was referring to the massage as she thanked me, or to the earlier conversation. But I felt that I was the one who should be grateful; I didn't know if she had any idea how much she had helped me today by drawing those words and emotions out of me.

"It is I who should thank you, Bella," I stated, giving her a small smile. "You made my burdened heart more lighter by being present today." I knew the words were null and void compared to the feelings I wanted to express. But I said them anyway, hoping that someday she would understand how precious she was to me.

"It was nothing," she responded, her words tangling together slightly. Her eyes were closed again, and after a few seconds she was fast asleep.

* * *

"Now turn it a little bit. No, to the right! That side is more bushy."

I watched with great amusement as Jasper tried to fulfill his wife's wishes as best as he could. But Alice was known to be a hard person to please, and whatever Jasper did, the Christmas tree was either tilting or otherwise in the wrong angle. I was sure that the needles tickled his sensitive skin quite uncomfortably as the twigs brushed against his face and hands. Our skin was hard and impentrable, but the sense of touch was much more hightened among with other sensations.

"Now, stop. That's good." Alice's voice was excited and she clapped her hands together. Jasper sighed in relief, letting go of the dark green spruce.

"Thank goodness," he whispered under his breath.

The tree was rather beautiful; it wasn't too huge, which surprised me. I had expected Alice to bring the biggest tree she could fit into the house, but the one she had picked was just right.

"Well, what do you think? Don't you just love the smell?" Alice asked, sitting down beside Bella on the couch, admiring the fruits of her work.

The smell truly was wonderful. The scent of needles and resin was pure and fresh. The tree had shed a few needles on the floor, and they were crushed beneath Jasper's shoes as he backed away from the tree, causing more of that timbered aroma wafting in the room. From the corner of my eye I saw Bella nodding and smiling quietly.

She had been out like a light for the most of the day. After Alice and Jasper had returned with the tree - hours after their leaving if I might add - I had decided to wake Bella up and offer her something to eat.

She had been reluctant but had managed to eat some soup I had offered to her, but had a feeling that she did it to humor me. Her fatigue and the lack of appetite made me worry. I knew those symptoms weren't uncommon, but I was concerned nonetheless.

"It's a nice tree," I said out loud. "It's been over a decade since we celebrated Christmas properly."

Jasper laughed suddenly. "Yeah, it was the time Emmett almost set the tree on fire."

I chuckled at the memory along with Alice. Bella glanced at us, surprise and confusion in her eyes. "Set the tree on fire?" she asked, incredulously. "What happened?"

"He started to fool around with candles," Jasper laughed. "Luckily we managed to put the fire out before it burned down the entire tree."

Bella's quiet chuckle echoed in the room. Alice jumped up, clapping her hands together once again. She disappeared from the room for a few seconds, only to return with a box that probably contained decorations. She lowered the box on the floor, glancing at Bella expectantly.

The latter got up with a bored groan, stretching out her stiff limbs. I was relieved to see she felt well enough to get up on her feet.

Alice blabbered happily as they hung the decorations together. Bella smiled every once in a while, chuckling when Alice said something amusing. But I could see that she was tired, and it wasn't long before she stated that it was mine and Jasper's turn to be enslaved.

Jasper quickly hung a silver festoon on the branches in the hope of getting off the hook.

"Carlisle, could you put the star in its place?" Alice asked, a humble expression on her face. "It's an honorary assignment," she added in attempt of flattery.

I took the golden tree topper from her, grinning. "Or then you are just too small to reach to the crown yourself," I teased. Bella chuckled on the couch.

Alice huffed, offended. "I could have asked Jasper if it was about the matter of height. He's an inch taller than you're," she grumbled.

I smiled as I attached the star on top of the tree. "Are you sure it's straight?" I asked, continuing to tease her.

Alice had apparently decided to ignore my comment, because no sharp comments were spoken. I made my way to the couch, sitting next to Bella. She had a peaceful expression on her face as she watched Alice and Jasper quibbling in front of the tree.

"It's pretty," she said.

I gave her a smile, observing her. "It is," I agreed. "How are you feeling?"

She shrugged. "I'm okay. Just a little tired," she answered, stifling a yawn.

"You should get some rest if you feel like it."

Bella glanced outside; it was already dark. "Maybe in a moment. I'm sorry that I'm such a boring company - I've slept all day," she apologized.

I reached out to give her shoulder a pat. "Don't worry about it. We know you're exhausted," I reassured.

"Mhhmhmm," she said, closing her eyes for a moment and opening them once again. Alice and Jasper came to sit down on the other couch, holding their arms around each other. Jasper clicked the remote to get the flatscreen on, finding a channel that played a history document.

It didn't take long until a quiet snuffle could be heard in the room - apparently Bella wasn't a friend of the history documents. Her head sagged against the back of the couch, her lips slightly open, and she started to slouch on the couch slowly, fast asleep. Jasper quickly took the remote and turned down the volume so she wouldn't wake up.

"I should take her upstairs," I said quietly. Alice curled up in Jasper's lap, smirking at me tenderly. Jasper smiled his own reserved smile, nodding.

"You're worried," he stated. It wasn't a question; he didn't need to ask in order to know.

I wetted my lips quickly - a human habit I had picked over the years. "Maybe my worry will be proved to be needless," I answered, hoping that I could be as carefree as I sounded.

If Bella wouldn't eat tomorrow, I'd have to consider the nutritional support. She wouldn't like that.

I slid my arms behind her shoulders and knees, gently picking her up from the couch. I listented to her breathing, observing for any signs of waking up. But she was still fast asleep, her head falling against my shoulder.

I made my way to the fourth floor with a steady human pace. Her body was very light in my arms, and I was afraid that if I held her too hard she would break to pieces. She was like a fine piece of art made of fragile glass.

When reaching the bedroom I coaxed her body to get her under the covers. Then I sat down on the edge of the bed, considering if I should stay all night. I wanted to be close to her in case she wasn't well.

My fingers worked on their own accord as they reached out to wipe the silky lock of her hair behind her ear.

* * *

**A/N:** As you can see in this chapter, Carlisle is a lot more open when it comes to feelings and mourning. He's a lot more willing to deal with stuff, and less reserved than Bella is. And he's also had more time to cope with Edward's and Esme's deaths, and in a way he has already accepted the fact that they won't come back. But it doesn't mean that he's not grieving.

The next chapter will be posted in a few days :)) Have a happy new year!

And btw, I'm considering changing the rating to M instead of keeping it T. Now when I know a little better where this story is going, I'll have to do it at some point.

Hope you enjoy!


	27. Chapter 27: Abysmal

**Stephenie Meyer owns Twilight :)**

* * *

**_When I couldn't separate myself from the night,_**

**_I already felt you in me._**

**_Now when the dawn surrounds us_**

**_I'll protect you,_**

**_The light in my shadow._**

-Unknown author-

* * *

**Abysmal**

BPOV

My hair was moist and tangled as I ran my fingers through it.

I glanced at the mirror; dark brown orbs stared at me back. There was more color on my cheeks than the morning before. I measured my reflection quietly, listening to Alice as she was hummed with her sing-song voice in the bedroom. You would think that the superhero-vampire speed along with the infallible and accurate brain would give her the means to choose the clothes for me in no time.

Wrong.

Alice was in no rush as she assessed which color would go with the black jeans I had managed to crawl into. I wrapped the towel around my almost bare torso more tightly, idly wondering what was with the black lacy underwear she had geared me with today. I looked like I was about to go and seduce someone.

Yeah, good luck with that Bella.

"This one," Alice finally chimed and stepped into the bathroom, holding out a red-violet cashmere sweater. I suppressed the sigh of relief, reaching out to take the warm material from her. I suddenly found myself wanting to purr to the sweater; it was really soft.

Alice looked smug once again, obviously pleased to see my possible reaction in her many visions.

I let the towel drop on the floor and started to twist my arms to get the sweater on. Alice came to help me; the sharp inhale of my breath echoed in the room when her cold fingers brushed my sides.

The sweater was a bit loose which was no surprise. Most of the clothes Alice had in the hoards of her closet were too big for me. I was simply too thin.

"Come on, your breakfast's waiting," Alice hurried. I frowned when she stretched out her arms.

"I can walk," I insisted.

I was feeling a lot better today. Sometimes I felt like my health was like a roller coaster; yesterday I had been feeling a lot weaker, and I had spent the most of if sleeping. I hadn't wanted to tell Carlisle how bad I had really felt. He would have probably started to fret and whisked me back to the hospital. And I didn't want that, so I had been suffering in silence, praying for the weakness to pass.

And it had every once in a while. I had even managed to help Alice decorating the tree in the evening, but I couldn't remember much after that - Alice told me that I had fallen asleep, and Carlisle had carried me to the bed.

Without waiting for Alice's response I marched out of the bathroom with steady steps. It wasn't a walk of a healthy person; my body was still stiff and achy, but I did the best I could trying to assure Alice that I could indeed go downstairs without her help.

Alice's annoyed breath sounded behind me, and I could almost imagine the way she shook her head and rolled her eyes.

I cheered inwardly when I managed to get downstairs without taking breaks. That's a first.

Carlisle truly was a creature of habit; as we entered the kitchen he was once again standing next to the stove, pouring the hot water into a mug like any other morning. He flashed me a quick smile as we entered, and Alice pulled me a chair quickly.

"How are you?" Carlisle asked after I had sat down. He brought me the tea, slipping two pieces of sugar in it. He sat down next to me, observing my face. I squeezed my palms around the mug, enjoying the heat.

"Really good," I answered thruthfully.

His cool hand reached out to touch my forehead. He seemed pleased when he noticed that I wasn't as warm as yesterday; I had probably been running a little bit of temperature.

But now I felt fine - the difference to the previous day was remarkable.

"You were a little restless in your sleep," Carlisle said quietly, a flash of worry making him narrow his eyes. I noticed that the golden luster was almost gone - the color in his eyes was nearing the shade of caramel or cinnamon.

I could remember a part of my dreams; I had been in the dark forest again. It was the same forest where I always ended up in my darkest nightmares. But the dream had altered and transformed into something else after a few moments of straying, and I had slept the rest of the night blissfully without any chimeras.

I racked my brain, wondering if I had been talking while I slept. "Really?" I asked casually. "Did I say something?"

Alice set a steaming bowl or soup in front of me. Carlisle avoided my gaze, looking outside the window.

"Nothing particular, really," he said. "You only seemed a little troubled."

I cleared my throat, taking the spoon in my hand. I wished I could lie better - I couldn't even lie to myself properly. "I don't remember. I didn't have any dreams," I muttered, keeping my eyes at the table.

The weight of Carlisle gaze almost made me shrink.

I wanted desperately to change the subject. Especially after Jasper appeared into the kitchen; he could feel my anguish for sure.

A wave of calm washed over me, causing me to relax. I peeked the leonine man from the corner of my eye, wishing I could thank him somehow.

Jasper's long strides took him to Alice, and after giving her a tender kiss he tossed something in the air.

It was a newspaper, and Carlisle grabbed it with no difficulty. Everything was so easy for them.

I tasted the soup, and it was as delicious as I had expected it to be. The newspaper rustled as Carlisle browsed through it.

"How do you guys get the mail all the way here?" I asked. "How many mailmans have gone MIA?"

For some odd reason Jasper found my military term somewhat amusing, although I couldn't understand why.

"We don't," Carlisle answered with a chuckle. "The mailbox is on the side of the road, near the highway. It's pretty far, considering. But it's a very short distance for us to run."

The rest of the morning passed comfortably. Carlisle seemed pleased to notice that I had eaten almost all of the soup. It was a surprise for me also, managing to do it without gagging. The food was delicious and Alice was an impeccable cook, but even so I was usually suffering from the lack of appetite.

After a few minutes of sitting and chatting in the living room Alice dragged me upstairs into the bedroom she shared with Jasper. I sat on the purple bedcover, my fingers brushing the satin beneath my fingers.

Alice's quiet humming sounded from the walk-in closet, and after a moment she flung a dark brown wool sweater on my lap. I looked at her, confused.

Her breathtakingly beautiful face peeked from inside the wardrobe, her black spiky hair pointing at all directions. Any other person would have looked ridiculous wearing a hairstyle like that, but not Alice.

"I thought I already had all the necessary clothes on," I remarked sarcastically.

Alice gave out a short laugh that sounded like a thousand bells chiming in the wind. "I know that, silly," she stated, burying herself once again in the labyrinth that was her closet. "But you'll need that warm sweater today; I can see that you're taking a walk later," she explained.

My brow probably hit my hairline after hearing her words. "Really? Carlisle lets me out?" I asked, puzzled.

"Bella, you're not a convict."

I laughed a bit. "Yeah you're right, this is more like a probation," I joked._ To see how many days I live after leaving the hospital._

But I didn't say the words out loud. My inner comment sounded a little cruel, and it probably would have upset Alice. And I knew Carlisle could probably hear the conversation and he was still downstairs with Jasper. And my comment would definitely upset him.

"Very funny, Bella," Alice huffed from the depths of the closet.

The next hour was nice. I had expected to get bored while listening Alice's babbling about the clothes and colors while she tried to decide what kind of a jacket I should wear later. I guess I was a little bored, but I was enjoying too much of Alice's company to start complaining. All the awkwardness I had sensed in the hospital all those days ago when she had come to see me for the first time was now gone.

Alice emerged from the closet as I was looking at the shelf that dominated one corner of the room. She had arranged a row of photos on one level, and I recognized a few of them; Carlisle had the same copies adorning his bedroom.

My fingers brushed the wooden frame of the picture of Alice and Jasper; they were standing on a beach, embracing each other. It had been windy when the photo was taken, judging from the way Jasper's honey blonde hair was blown back as he looked down at Alice. The photo didn't look very new; it was slightly yellow and wrinkled, and the quality was weak. But that didn't manage to dim the beauty of it. The atmosphere was very sensual in the picture, and I could almost hear the waves crashing against the rocks as the wind blowed...

I suddenly realised that I was smiling widely. Alice had come to stand next to me and she was also smiling. I wondered how old that picture was - I didn't even know how long they had been together.

There was so much I didn't know.

"The summer 72," Alice said as she smiled at the picture. "That photo was taken in Ireland when we were visiting there with Jasper. It was a windy afternoon; an old man passing us by was kind enough to take the picture."

My eyes sweeped the rest of the row. There was a picture of Carlisle with Esme and Edward; this photograph was also an old one, and I realised it was probably from the time when the others hadn't joined the family yet. Their clothing was neat and sophisticated - very 1920's.

I was careful not to look at their faces too closely. I didn't want to see Esme's eyes glowing with happiness, or Edward's handsome seriousness. Yesterday's memory of grieving Carlisle was still fresh in my mind. I had managed to push aside my own guilt and sadness the day before when I had realised that the papers Carlisle had been studying had belonged to Esme. My heart had broken in that moment when I had seen him so sad and upset.

"How did you and Jasper meet?" I asked to get something else to think about. I turned away from the shelf, walking back to the bed and sitting down on it.

Alice followed, twisting her slender legs as she sat down on the floor in front of me, her movements inconceivably graceful.

"Well, it's a long story. Jasper will tell you his part one day," she promised. She took a deep breath as she glanced at the wall behind me, as if she could see the events reflected on it. "Did Carlisle tell you what I had been doing after we left Forks?" she asked carefully.

I racked my brain, returning in my memories to that night when he had stepped into my hospital room. The night when my ending life had taken a new turn.

And the day after when he had shared the news of Edward's and Esme's death...

"Yeah, he told me that you were searching your human past," I answered quietly. "Did you find out anything?"

Alice nodded, the black spikes of her hair bouncing. "I still don't remember much about my human life. But thanks to the information you got from James all those years ago managed to shed some light on things."

The mention of James made me wince a bit. Before he had tried to kill me in that spring, he had revealed that Alice had almost been one of his victims. She had been trapped in a mental asylum, and an old vampire had protected her when James had tried to hunt her.

It surprised me that I still remembered all that so accurately. I hadn't thought of those memories in a long time, but still one part of my mind had reserved them.

"My name was Mary Alice Brandon," Alice began quietly. I stopped breathing. "I was born in Biloxi, Mississippi in 1901. I searched for all the old newpapers on microfiche and I found the announcement of my parents' engagement. I had a little sister called Cynthia." Her words made me swallow. I tried to picture her little sister in my mind, a smaller version of Alice.

"Why did your parents put you in that asylum?" I asked, a little shocked.

Alice shook her head sadly. "I don't know. It's likely that I had premonitions already as a child."

Her next words made me shudder. "I found my grave," she said. "There was an announcement of my birth and death in the newspapers, and the dates matched with admission sheets I found from the asylum archives."

Words couldn't describe how awful I felt for her. She must have gone through a lot during her human life; but those memories were gone, because of the electroshock treatment she had endured during her time in the asylum - James had told me that, too. He hadn't believed that I would live long enough to be able to blabber the information to anyone.

"That old vampire who worked in the asylum and protected me from James, turned me into a vampire as you already know." Alice stopped to take a glance at me, making sure that I remembered. I nodded quietly.

"After the pain and the transformation I woke up. I couldn't remember anything. But I still had my premonitions; and the first thing I saw in my visions was Jasper." Her voice wasn't dreary and bleak anymore. As she spoke Jasper's name, a tender smile lighted up her face. "And then I had visions of Carlisle's family, and their way of living. And I saw how happy we would be with them." She took a short break to smile at me.

"So I went to look for Jasper so we could both move on and join that family of my visions. Those were the two things my life was directed at."

"And you found him," I stated. What a sweet story. I knew there was more to it than that, but I didn't ask. I was curious of Jasper's past. But maybe I would get to hear the whole story some day, like Alice had promised.

"And I found him," Alice said, ending her story.

It amazed me how positive and bubbly person she was despite of her past. She had gone through things no one should ever have to endure.

"That's amazing," I whispered after a moment of silence. "It's almost like..." I searched for words, trying to describe their magical story. It was difficult. "... like meant to be. That you found each other."

Alice stood up, reaching out with her tiny hands to grab my palms. She yanked gently, pulling me up to my feet.

"Maybe everything happens for a reason," she said. I couldn't understand the hope and faith her tone carried. But Alice didn't give me any time to think and wonder.

"Come on," she chirped. "Let's go downstairs." She grabbed the coat she had chosen for me, and it caused me to remember that I would get to go out today. The material of the brown wool sweater tickled against my palms.

Jasper and Carlisle were still downstairs in the living room. The TV was on, playing the weather forecast. Carlisle sat in the other armchair, a fat book in his lap as we entered with Alice. He glanced upwards from the text, giving me a small smile. I couldn't help but notice that it didn't quite reach his eyes.

His eyes took in the coat Alice held, along with the sweater in my hands. His brow quirked.

"I had a vision of you and Bella taking a walk later, so I already chose warmer clothing for her to spare the time," Alice explained, tossing the coat on the arm of the couch. I went to sit down quietly, almost expecting Carlisle to forbid me going out. I had been very weak yesterday, and I knew Carlisle had noticed it. No matter how hard I had tried to fool him, I hadn't succeeded completely. He was too perceptive.

"Yes, I heard your conversation earlier," he said, snapping the book shut. Jasper took it from him and started to flick through the pages. Carlisle directed his dark amber eyes towards me, questioning. "How are you feeling?" he asked.

I shrugged. "I feel great. A lot better than yesterday." A part of me wanted to pinch my cheeks to get more color into them.

Carlisle's expression was prudent. "Alright," he accepted after a moment of consideration. "If you eat something before we go."

Apparently this condition wasn't something I could negotiate about, because Carlisle stood up from the armchair and strode to the kitchen, probably on his way to prepare something nourishing for me to eat.

My gaze searched involuntarily the corner of the room, my eyes passing the Christmas tree and moving to the brown old bureau in the corner. The stack of papers was gone; I wondered if Carlisle had hid them back into the drawers.

My mind conjured up images of the previous day when I'd been sleeping on the couch. I had woken up without a reason, seeing Carlisle standing next to the bureau, facing away from me. I had called out his name, and at first he hadn't responded - it had triggered worry in me. I had never seen him refusing to answer me before.

He either had been deep in thought, or then he had been really upset. I guessed the latter, judging from the way he had stormed out of the room after tossing the papers on the desk.

The memory made me sorrowful; it had pained me to see him so upset.

Jasper glanced up from his book, looking confused. He had sensed my sadness, and I quickly tried to calm myself so he wouldn't start asking anything.

I followed Carlisle to the kitchen after a few minutes. He was pouring oatmeal into a bowl, making me grimace inwardly.

I swallowed the food without a murmur even though oatmeal wasn't one of my favorite foods. And I wasn't even hungry, which was usual. But I ate anyway, the desire to get outside surpassing the revolt towards the eating process.

Carlisle seemed satisfied enough after seeing me eat something. As I stood up the take the empty bowl to the sink, Alice danced to the kitchen, the coat and the brown sweater in her hands. I pulled the sweater over my head, trying to get my arms through the right holes.

Alice and Jasper had apparently decided to join us. After giving me a pair of mittens and a hat, Alice skipped to the hall, putting on her own coat and bringing me a pair of boots.

Jasper held the door open for the rest of us as we walked out of the door. His casual chatter sounded in the air; it made me feel warm. Like I really belonged here, with these wonderful creatures.

I saw him grabbing a plastic snow shovel that was leaning against the wall on the porch. It was only then when I noticed that it had snowed at least two inches during the night.

I watched Jasper's tall frame as he walked to the front yard, plowing the snow to make a path for us and for himself as he went. Alice walked gracefully at his tail.

The stone steps of the porch were snowy and slippery. I felt Carlisle's hand grab my arm gently in case I would fall. He let go after managing the rest of the steps. For the next few minutes only the sound of our steps could be heard as we walked towards the forest.

Carlisle had been very quiet today; he hadn't tried to engage me in a conversation as he normally would. I wondered what was going through his mind. Was he thinking about yesterday? Maybe seeing Esme's paintings and blueprints caused him to be so withdrawn.

A twinge of guilt wrenched my heart. Why did they have to die? Why did I have to - ?

My thoughts were cut off suddenly as the ground disappeared under me. There had been ice under the layer of snow, and my foot had slipped. I didn't even have the time to let out a squeak as I fell backwards, waiting for my head to collide with the hard ground.

But I should have had more faith in Carlisle - as if he would let me hit my head while he was present. When I felt my bottom hit the cold ground, I felt Carlisle's arms wrap around my shoulders, preventing the back of my head from hitting the ice and saving me from the probable concussion.

The moment was suddenly very frozen and still; Carlisle had hunched over me in order to grab me. His knees were buried in the snow, and he was almost sitting on his heels. His stone arms were still wrapped around my shoulders. All could I do was to stare at him with my mouth slightly open. His face was inches away from mine, so close that I could smell his sweet breath on my face. His dark amber eyes bore into mine.

"Are you alright?" he asked, and I was surprised to notice that he seemed to be a little out of breath.

I tried to remember how to form words. "Yeah," I responded, nodding quickly. My tailbone had received a nice blow and my butt hurt like hell. But I didn't say anything out loud. It wasn't the first time I found myself sitting on the ground and wondering the amount of bruises I had received this time.

Carlisle started to draw back, pulling me to my feet.

"Nice catch," I praised, now a little embarrased because of my clumsiness. I started to wipe the back of my jeans to get rid of the snow. Carlisle did the same, cleaning his black pants from the white flakes.

His lack of response made me look up at him after a moment. The silence started to bother me now, and I began to suspect that he was upset with me. He had every reason to be. Maybe thinking about Esme yesterday made him finally realise, that if I didn't exist he would still have his wife by his side.

_He's upset with me_, I repeated in my mind. Why else he would be so quiet?

I glanced at him, and watched for a moment as his pale hands brushed the snow away from his clothes. Then I let my eyes rise to his face. For my surprise I saw a smile making his lips quirk a bit; I couldn't understand it.

He sensed the weight of my stare, gazing at me quickly.

The small smile disappeared, and the confusion took over. "Does it hurt somewhere?" he asked, trying to understand my sudden change of mood. My gaze dropped to the ground.

I didn't know what kind of expression I wore, but it was obvious that it made Carlisle nervous. How could he still be here, constantly worrying about my welfare? Living with the knowledge that I had wrecked everything?

He should hate me. I hated myself.

"Bella?"

His voice was more helpless now, desperate. I vaguely realised that his hands had gripped my shoulders. He tried to reach my gaze, bending his tall frame to see my eyes. "Bella, where does it hurt?"

I drew in a shuddering breath. "Nowhere," I whispered, even though my heart was breaking. Ripping, twisting, bruising, gashing...

It hurt.

Hurts.

A wave of serenity washed over me. I vaguely realised that Jasper must have been somewhere near, trying to use his gift to help me. But it only brought a moment of ease; after a second or two the pain was back, twofold.

My eyes rose to meet Carlisle's. I hadn't intended to look up, but for some reason I had. The words escaped from my mouth before I could stop them.

"You're mad at me."

My voice was a mere whisper, only a frail breath. But Carlisle heard it anyway.

His expression was appalled, his eyebrows knitting together as he frowned at me. But it was nothing compared to his voice. "What? Bella, I don't understand," he said, his tone horror-struck.

Someone stepped next to him. I felt numb as I looked at the person standing next to Carlisle, realising it was Jasper. His lips moved quickly as he whispered words to Carlisle, words I couldn't hear. His voice was so quiet that my human ears couldn't catch what he said.

Or then he was speaking out loud and I had simply gone deaf. I felt like I was deaf. Deaf, and blind and numb. It would have been a bliss if it hadn't hurt so much.

"Bella?"

Carlisle's honeylike voice penetrated into my mind. I was able to notice that Jasper had left.

"Bella, why do you think that I am angry with you?"

He spoke with a kind voice, very slowly as if I was a small child. His gentleness made me feel even worse, and my eyes burned suddenly, two big tears rolling onto my cheeks.

His hands were grasping at the back of my neck now, trying to force me to look into his eyes. More tears trickled, making a dripping sound as they dropped on the collar of my coat.

"Bella," he pleaded, a tinge of fear in his voice. His cold hands made me shiver.

Suddenly I was wrapped in his embrace. His cold and long arms enveloped me, wrapping around my shoulders and back, holding me tightly. His clasp was almost crushing, but for some reason I found it easier to breathe.

I tried to contain my sobs, burying my face in his chest.

His chin was pressed against the top of my head, his hand rising to cup my neck. He didn't whisper soothing words to me; he only held me, confused, as I slowly broke to pieces in front of him. He was oblivious of the fact how much I hated him at this moment; why did he have to be here, so utterly perfect and selfless, comforting me while he should hate me?

And I felt claustrophobic; I wanted to get out, to get away... somewhere where no one could ever find me. Where I couldn't hurt anyone.

"Let go of me," I begged, trying to push him away. My palms pressed against his shoulders, thrusting and shoving. But I was weak compared to him. Weak, feeble, flimsy, useless...

His hold of me loosened for one fraction of a second, only to tighten once more. "No," he whispered into my ear, and it sounded like if he was on the verge of crying himself. On the verge of tears that would never fall.

He held me until the shudders ceased. My tears were still flowing, wetting the fabric of his coat. I started trembling again, this time from the cold. Suddenly Carlisle's body bent forward and it made me tilt, and his other hand snaked his way behind my knees. The snowy ground disappeared beneath my feet.

The scenery was only a blur to me. I closed my eyes, not wanting to see how fast he was running. The sound of a door opening and closing echoed in my ears.

My eyes opened as I felt him lower me on a soft surface. The blue walls releaved our location, and I realised we were in his bedroom. His hands held me in a sitting position as I felt him yanking the boots off my feet. The zipper rasped as he pulled the coat off of me, replacing it with a blanket. The mittens left my palms, and I felt my hair crackling electrically as he pulled the wool hat off my head.

The bed dipped as he sat next to me.

The dark amber in his eyes flamed. I turned my gaze away, examining the bedcover with my eyes.

His fingers tugged the blanket more tightly around me. After that I felt his palm set on my shoulder.

"Bella," he said quietly. His voice made me flinch. "Bella, I am not mad at you," he reassured. "Why would you think of such a thing?"

I gritted my teeth, determined not to let the tears fall again. I shook my head quickly, swallowing the bitter liquid that rose in my throat.

"Talk to me, Bella," he asked. "Don't hide from me."

I closed my eyes after hearing the despair in his voice. I turned away, twisting my upper body towards the wall so I wouldn't have to face him. But his hands stopped me, turning me back by my shoulders and holding me in place.

His voice was calmer and more patient as he spoke again. "Why do you think that I'm angry?"

I cracked my eyes open, studying the blanket. "Because you should," I rasped. "You were so quiet." I didn't know if he could make heads or tails out of my words. I sounded crazy. "Never mind," I whispered, giving up. "Just forget it."

His cold hand grasped my chin, forcing me to look into his eyes. I peeked him under my wet eyelashes. His voice was suddenly strict, fierceness burning in his gaze. "Let's talk this through, Bella," he demanded.

"No," I squeezed through my teeth. I was getting claustrophobic again, the feeling intensifying as he held me in place.

And I knew - I couldn't run. Not this time.

"I'm not mad at you, Bella," Carlisle said, his tone softening a bit. "I'm sorry if I seemed like I was so distant earlier. I just had a lot of things in my mind. And as for the words you said, that I should be mad at you..." he stopped speaking, licking his lips.

"Because you should," I mumbled, cutting him off before he said anything else. My eyes stung again, tears welling up in my eyes. My cheeks burned and pricked as they flowed down my skin. The stream of words was another thing I couldn't prevent. My control had slipped. "Because _she's_ not here," I slurred. "And because _he_ won't come back..." I sniffed and hicupped, my chest convulsing.

Carlisle's grasp on my chin loosened and he let go, leaving behind the emptiness and reeling. But being empty was better than having to feel things; it didn't hurt as much.

Cool lips on my skin startled me. They roamed on my cheekbones and chin, catching every single escaping tear. My heart fluttered and I froze, my focus lost in the feel of his lips on my skin.

His lips wandered, stopping near my left ear. I felt a cool puff of air against my earlobe.

"Don't say such things, Bella." How could he sound gentle and stern at the same time? Demanding and yet so pleading?

He pulled away slowly, holding my gaze.

"I thought you knew," he stated quietly, making me frown. "I thought I had managed to make you understand that I don't blame you for anything. It was an accident," he tried to convince me. The hands on my shoulders gripped more tightly, giving me a slight shake. "I thought I had been able to convince you about that. Do you hear me, Bella?"

I let my head fall in a slight nod, not raising my gaze back to his inhumanly beautiful face. I wanted to believe him; his words were so sincere and his voice so honest. A leap of joy made my heart jump as I realised the possibility that he really wasn't angry with me.

"Did you think, that because I have been so quiet, I'm upset with you?" he queried, still trying to tie the loose ends. Trying to understand my sudden breakdown.

I didn't say anything, but my silence was enough for an answer for Carlisle. I felt him brush a lock of hair behind my ear. That made me look at him again.

"Esme has been a lot in my mind today," he confessed, running his fingers through the golden locks of his hair. His statement didn't make me feel guilty for once. Instead of the guilt, I felt concern and sadness because of his sorrow.

Because his sorrow was my sorrow.

"And I was worried about you," he added. "I was troubled when I thought you might have had hard time sleeping. And you seemed so tired yesterday. I didn't mean to be so sullen. I'm sorry," he apologized.

"Don't apologize," I muttered, voluntarily locking my gaze with his. "It's not your fault that I have a low self-esteem. I'm sorry I'm such a head case."

He chuckled softly, not too amused. "You are not a head case," he disagreed.

Yeah, right.

"Where did Alice and Jasper go?" I asked, wondering if I had made them uncomfortable.

Carlisle turned his head, nodding towards the glass wall that overlooked the snowy forest. "They are outside. They wanted to give us some privacy, but also to stay near at the same time."

In other words, they were so near that Jasper could affect my moods if he felt like I was in need of controlling. They had probably heard our entire conversation; I realised it didn't bother me that much. I only wondered how crazy they thought I was.

"Did I make them feel awkward?" I asked, straightforward.

Carlisle let out another chuckle, shaking his head. "Of course not. They are just worried, like I am."

I shifted on the bed, the blanket dropping from my shoulders and pooling around my hips. My lower back throbbed and made me remember my earlier tumbling. I suppressed a grimace, but some sort of discomfort must have been visible on my face because Carlisle was suddenly in his doctor mode.

"Did you hurt your back when you slipped?" he asked, twisting my upper body a bit so he could peek over my shoulder. His fingers snaked under the hem of my sweater, pressing and probing along my spine. He gently added pressure as he touched the vertebras. The spot he had found was tender, and it made me hiss.

"Sorry," he apologized, drawing his hand off.

"It's nothing," I reassured before he could say anything. "My back was sore before." It wasn't exactly a lie.

I remembered I had broken my tailbone once as a kid, and hadn't been able to sit properly in weeks. This was nothing compared to that.

"I should have caught you earlier," he apologized again.

"I should have watched my step," I shot back.

For a moment Carlisle looked like he was going to roll his eyes, but he didn't. He only settled with shaking his head, a small smile on his lips. Then he stood up, stepping over a pile of my winter clothing he had dropped on the floor earlier, reaching out with his hands to help me up. I grabbed them, gritting my teeth as I pulled myself up and ignored the pain in my lower back.

Jasper and Alice were already back downstairs. Both of them looked at me warily, and Alice had a sorrowful expression on her face, like I was lying on my death bed. In a way, I was.

She couldn't control herself any longer, and whizzed across the floor and pulled me into a tight hug.

"I'm fine, Alice." My voice was muffled against her spiky hair. "I just had a little moment of insanity."

After Alice released me, Carlisle led me to the kitchen and busied himself with preparing a cup of tea for me. I sat down at the table, glancing at the other blond man in the room.

Jasper went to stand next to the window, looking outside. He threw an affectionate glance at Alice who glided into the room, her hands filled with red candles.

What was with her and the candles?

When I'd had my moment of distraught I remembered Jasper being there for a moment, trying to calm me down. And he had been whispering words to Carlisle; I wondered if he had described my ongoing emotions to him as I was slowly losing my mind.

A bumping sound against the table shook me from my reverie. Carlisle had set a cup of tea in front of me, and I thanked him quietly, sipping the hot tea as I watched Alice lighting up the candles all around the kitchen.

Lighting up the candles continued as we moved to the living room after a moment. Alice put out the lights to create a nicer feel into the room, and drew the curtains in front of the window to prevent the daylight from coming in. It was suddenly very christmassy; the tree in the corner was also illuminated. I felt warm and comfortable as I sat down next to Carlisle on the couch, observing Alice as she dug a chess board from the bookshelf.

She asked if I wanted to play to pass the time. I laughed, refusing. "I suck at chess games. I think I'll save you from the shared sense of shame."

She didn't push it, luckily, and Jasper offered to be her opponent. I was curious to see if he could beat her; Alice could see the future, after all. After Jasper decided to move one of his pieces to somewhere, Alice saw that decision and the outcome.

But he was doing remarkably well. I couldn't understand it. How could he offer a challenge to someone who could see the future?

Carlisle chuckled as he saw me frowning. "Jasper is a very tactical thinker. And the game is all about tactics and making the right moves," he explained.

"Huh," was all I could get out of my mouth. You would think that watching two vampires playing chess was be boring, but it was not.

Carlisle continued with his quiet voice, as if not to disturb their game. "Jasper was the youngest Major in the Confederate Army once. Giving his backround, it's easy for him to think tactically." His words made me glance at him, surprised.

"Wow," I said, realising that there was much more I didn't know about Alice's leonine soulmate. My mind was swarming with questions, but I didn't want to pry. My curiosity was obviously visible on my face because Carlisle promised that I would get to hear the whole story someday.

"Checkmate," Jasper declared after a moment, laughter in his voice.

Alice looked astonished. Then her small mouth pursed up and her expression got acid. She was a bad loser; after whacking the remaining chess pieces over and sending them rolling across the board, she sulked at least five minutes, refusing to talk to anyone.

The rest of the afternoon passed comfortably. Alice almost caused me a sugar binge when she made me eat chocolate, and after eating a few pieces I had to decline, saying that I would throw up if I ate anymore.

I also got to spend some time in Carlisle's study, while trying not to drool over his books - there must have been like a million of them. I asked which books he liked the most, and for my surprise he mentioned a few that belonged to my own favorites. I gasped loudly as my eyes picked a very old edition of Shakerspeare's sonnets. I let my fingers brush lightly against the spine, afraid that it might disintegrate at my touch.

Carlisle plucked it from the shelf when he saw my interest, holding it out to me. I took a step back, shaking my head. The book looked so old and fragile. "I'll break it," I protested.

He chuckled, reaching out to press the book in my palms. "Of course you won't."

I tried not to breathe as I sat down on the couch under the window, opening the book carefully. I turned the pages, admiring the old language. The words on the pages were true art.

The couch dipped beside me as Carlisle sat down. "Do you have a favorite?" he asked, curiosity evident in his tone.

"Many," I answered. It had been so long since I had read. The last book I had read from cover to cover was years ago. I missed that old me; the one who could curl up on the couch for hours, not stopping the reading until falling asleep.

"Share one of them with me," Carlisle asked. I glanced at him, surprised by his curiosity. I turned the pages until I found what I was looking for. I didn't read the poem out loud, only pointed my finger at it. Carlisle narrowed his eyes, reading it carefully and slowly although I was certain he had read it dozens of times before.

_"That time of year thou mayst in me behold_

_When yellow leaves, or none, or few, do hang_

_Upon those boughs which shake against the cold,_

_Bare ruin'd choirs, where late the sweet birds sang._

_In me thou seest the twilight of such day_

_As after sunset fadeth in the west,_

_Which by and by black night doth take away,_

_Death's second self, that seals up all in rest._

_In me thou see'st the glowing of such fire_

_That on the ashes of his youth doth lie,_

_As the death-bed whereon it must expire_

_Consumed with that which it was nourish'd by._

_This thou perceivest, which makes thy love more strong,_

_To love that well which thou must leave ere long."_

He seemed ruminative as his eyes neared the end of the text, and then he observed me intently.

"I know it's kind of depressing," I muttered. "But also beautiful."

"Yes," Carlisle agreed, brushing my hair with his fingers quickly. "Beautiful is the word." His gaze was suddenly heavy and intensive, and I had to look away from his eyes. Was it the lighting, or were they more darker shade than usually?

As the afternoon turned to the evening, Carlisle was kind enough to take me for a walk once again outside. Our last walk had been short; we had barely managed to cross the front yard before my little tumble.

This time I thought twice before taking each step to prevent myself from falling down. Carlisle was paying attention also. He had offered his arm for me like a gentleman, and I had wrapped my own around it. You rarely saw those gestures anymore, but they were very natural for Carlisle; he had lived through those old times, after all.

The trees encircled us, making the forest look sinister and scary. I glanced at the overcast sky. No moonlight or stars tonight.

Suppressing the urge to rub my aching back, I lifted my gaze to Carlisle. He smiled quickly down at me, opening his mouth to say something when he suddenly skidded to a stop.

His mouth was still open, his perfect line of white teeth barely visible to me in the dark evening. His gaze was directed over my shoulder, into the trees. I tried to read his expression; he frowned confusedly, seeming a little amused.

I twirled around to see what he saw.

The pines and spruces were mostly covered in snow, and I narrowed my eyes, trying to see in the dark. The yard lighting didn't quite manage to cast any light all the way here.

"What? What are you staring at?" I asked, my voice loud in the silence.

"Shh."

I turned to look at him, frowning. His gaze didn't leave the trees, and he turned me back towards the forest, his pale hand reaching out to point forward with his finger.

I stared. And stared. And saw nothing.

After a few seconds of pointless ogling I almost huffed in frustration.

But then a slight movement caught my eye. High, on the tree branch there was sitting some sort of a creature. It was bigger than a cat, and I tried to figure out what kind of an animal it was. It couldn't be very dangerous because Carlisle hadn't whisked me away by now.

"What the hell is that?" I blurted out. The animal moved again and pierced me with its yellow gaze. A hooting sound echoed in the forest, giving me the creeps and making me shudder inwardly. "Oh."

Carlisle chuckled. "That owl is shadowing me, I swear to God. This is the third time I see it. Maybe it's building a nest somewhere in the mountains."

The owl hooted again, turning its head backwards. It amazed and creeped me out somewhat how much their necks could bend. I was pierced by the yellow gaze again after a moment, and the huge bird observed me, looking directly into my soul. It gave another hoot, seeming like it was directing the sound at me. It brought me a memory of my grandmother who had died when I was a kid. She had once said that a hoot of an owl was an omen of death.

The memory gave me the creeps again, making me shudder.

That was the signal to Carlisle make me turn around towards the house.

"I'm not cold," I protested. But I didn't want to admit to him that the owl was making me feel freaky.

"We should get back in any case," he answered diplomatically. "It's been a long day for you."

The day hadn't seemed so long to me. I hadn't felt this good in a long time, regardless of what happened on the yard earlier. But I had to admit that sitting down would be nice; my back was throbbing, making me feel irritated. I wondered how bad it would be tommorrow. If I was too achy, Carlisle wouldn't let me do anything.

Alice had made me tea while we were out with Carlisle, and after I had taken off my shoes and coat, she told me to go straight into the living room.

The room was dim and lighted up with candles, like hours earlier. The fire crackled inside the fireplace, making shadows dance on the walls. I sat down on the couch, savoring the beautiful room with my gaze.

Carlisle brought me the tea after a moment, inquiring if I was be able to eat something. I declined, not feeling very hungry. He seemed to be a little disappointed.

"I'll eat something later," I promised so he wouldn't worry so much.

The tea smelled like vanilla and apples, and I greedily drew in the delicios aroma, tasting carefully so I wouldn't burn my tongue.

Jasper peeked inside the living room after a moment. "I'm going for a hunt," he announced with his drawling accent. "Does anyone want to accompany me?" His eyes darted from Alice to Carlisle.

Alice shook her head. "I think I'll stay here. I'm not thirsty."

Jasper turned his eyes towards Carlisle questioningly.

Carlisle looked hesitant, glancing at my direction. I noticed his eyes weren't the color of pure gold as usually. They were a darker shade of amber, almost nearing brown. I knew his control was good beyond comparing, but it still couldn't feel too comfortable to be around me, trying to forget his thirst.

"I don't know," he said to Jasper, but I could already see that he was about to decline.

"It's okay," I said. I didn't want him to skip the hunt because of me. "Go ahead with Jasper. I'll be alright. You don't have to stay because of me."

He shook his head. "I'll manage without hunting a few more days," he insisted.

"Carlisle, eventually you have to leave me at some point. I'll be fine with Alice," I insisted. "And I feel fine at the moment. I'll probably go to bed early anyway."

"She'll be safe with me," Alice assured, jumping up from the floor where she had sat down a moment ago. She came to sit down next to me, wrapping her pale arm around my shoulders friendly, as if to reassure Carlisle.

It looked like Carlisle didn't like that everyone was ganging up on him. After giving me one more worried glance, he stood up to follow Jasper out of the living room. He stopped at the threshold, telling Alice to call if something came up.

But Carlisle's worry proved to be unnecessary. The evening passed comfortably in Alice's company. We started to watch a movie, only half paying attention to it. Our conversation was accidentally turned towards Rosalie and Emmett after I had glanced at their picture that adorned a small shelf.

"Have you heard anything from them?" I asked.

Alice shook her head. "Not in a while. But they do call once in every few weeks. They like to go off on their own."

"Do they know about me?" I asked.

"Not yet. But they will, when the right time comes," she assured. But her promise didn't make me feel relieved.

"Yay," I muttered sarcastically. Rosalie would hate me, even more than before.

"Don't worry about Rosalie," Alice chimed. "She'll come around eventually." I wondered what made Alice be so sure about it.

The movie was only midway through when I started to feel incredibly tired. My back ached again, and I reached out with my hand to rub the tender spot. My eyes couldn't stay open, no matter how hard I tried.

Eventually I gave up on the movie. "I think I'll go to sleep," I said, yawning and stretching out my arms. "I can't stay awake anymore. I got too much fresh air today," I laughed.

Alice stood to help me up from the couch. "Maybe you should eat something before going to sleep," she suggested, but I shook my head. It was impossible to even think about eating; I was so tired.

The bed was inviting and it looked so soft as we finally reached the blue room. Alice asked if I was going to change, but I simply had no energy. I slumped down on the bed, telling her I was too tired. It must have seemed to be such a waste for Alice, thinking about what kind of gorgeus sleepwear I could use, and I was content sleeping in my jeans and sweater. How inappropriate.

I managed to conjure up a smile, and see Alice smiling back at me. "I had a really nice day," I muttered. Why had I fretted so much about coming here? It seemed so silly now.

Alice tugged the covers over me. "Good night, Bella," she hummed with her sing-song voice.

I was so warm and comfortable that I couldn't summon any energy to answer her. And a peculiar feeling was pushing it's way through from somewhere deep within me, and I realised that I was more than content at the moment.

I was happy.

* * *

I didn't know how long I had been asleep - it could have been hours or minutes. A small part of my mind wondered if Carlisle and Jasper were already back.

The room was dim, and the moon outside gave it a nice color, reflecting the glow from the blue walls. The clouds were gone, I realised, turning around on the bed to look at the wall made of completely out of glass.

I admired the silver moon; it would take a few days until it was full.

I was so enthralled by the beautiful scenery that it took me a moment to realise that something was different than before.

I wiped my face with my hand, discovering that I was covered in sweat. It wasn't uncommon; I had woken up millions of times because of the sweating during the night. It was one of those annoying symptoms of leukemia.

The fast beating of my heart sounded in my ears as I sat up quietly, not wanting to alert Alice. I managed to stagger my way to the bathroom, and rinsed my face with cold water quickly. The edges of the sink were cold against my palms, making me shiver. I glanced at the mirror.

The reflection was oddly blurry, and I blinked, shaking my head to get rid of the fog.

Suddenly I realised that breathing was difficult. The sound of my restless heart seemed more prominent in my ears now; the sound was loud and stood out in the silence.

_This is normal_, I told myself. My ears started ringing, and I had to lean heavily against the wall._ This is normal, this is normal..._

The bathroom doorframe was cool under my sweaty palms as I made my way back to the bedroom, wavering._ I just need to lie down again._

My socked feet padded against the hardwood floor as I steered myself towards the bed. The moonlight shining from the window seemed suddenly too bright.

And then everything went white.

My head drooped, and I faltered unsteadily to stay upright. Liquid pooled on my face again, trickling on my lips. I wiped it away with my hand, frustrated.

The floor was hard under my knees. I vaguely realised that I had lowered myself on the floor. Or maybe I had fallen down. My ears were ringing, blocking all the other sounds and thoughts.

Why was the sweat on my lips so tacky? My muddled brain couldn't understand it. And why did it taste like... rust?

I closed my eyes, my cheek pressing against the cool floor. I was tired, so tired. My heart was racing, faster than ever before. My gasps echoed in the room, the sound pushing itself through the haze.

A high-pitched and shrilling voice called out my name.

_Alice... Let me sleep._

The darkness embraced me.

* * *

**A/N**: When Alice tells Bella about her past, most of the quotes are from the book New Moon, which is the creation of wonderful Stephenie Meyer. The other pieces of information I found from Twilight Saga Wiki and from the Twilight book.

The poem Bella shows Carlisle is Shakespeare's sonnet 73.

Thank you for your reviews, I can't express how important they are to me! The next chapter will be posted in a few days.

Meanwhile, enjoy my little cliffhanger :)


	28. Chapter 28: Dread

**Stephenie Meyer owns Twilight :)**

* * *

**O Adorable Trinity, **

**cast upon us Thy merciful glance. **

**Look at these souls whom Thou has created, **

**and who suffer far from Thee an unutterable grief.**

-A prayer for the suffering souls-**  
**

* * *

**Dread**

CPOV

"Emmett would have envied that mountain lion," I laughed, watching Jasper fiddling with a tear in his shirt with his fingers, probably wondering how to avoid Alice's disapproval when she saw him.

We hadn't been in the forest very long - two hours at most. I had fed quickly after finding the suitable prey, and then started to look for Jasper. I had found him at last; he had been tantalizing a huge cougar until the beast was trembling with rage, and after that Jasper had devoured its blood.

"Yeah," he chuckled, walking casually towards me. "But I'm sure he's having a good time in Siberia while chasing those huge brown bears after waking them up from their hibernation." His honey-blonde wavy hair glowed in the moonlight, the snow crunching under his shoes as he walked.

The image of Emmett romping in the deep snow made me chuckle, and I suddenly realised that I missed his company. As a person he was simple and uncomplicated - not stupid or foolish in any means, but he had a way of seeing things in their most plain way, never wanting to make anything more complex. He always spoke his mind, which was a good thing most of the times. I remembered that Edward had once said that he didn't feel intrusive while reading Emmett's mind, because he would never think one thing that he would not say aloud or put it in action.

He was a good companion for Rosalie. She needed someone steady and solid by her side. They complimented each other very well.

Once again I had to stop for a moment to think of the two vampires that I considered as my children. I knew it wouldn't be long until I should share the news of Bella with them. I just hoped Rosalie wouldn't react very badly. She didn't like when things were kept from her.

I put my hands inside my pockets, kicking the snow with my foot in a very human-like manner. Jasper's gaze was heavy on me - he had without a doubt sensed my yearning, and the slight worry in my heart.

The forest around us was silent. I glanced at the moon above us, satisfied that the clouds had receded. The moon was as beautiful as before, but it still didn't feel ordinary to me, even if I had seen it a million times before. The light it casted on the ground was almost magical, and I knew I would never grow tired of watching it, even if I lived for a thousand years.

Judging from his words, Jasper had guessed my earlier thoughts about Emmett and Rosalie. "I wonder when they'll call," he said, his tone cautious. "It's been a long time since Emmett has had the chance to lose a wrestling match against me," he mused, the tone of pure longing radiating from his voice. The moonlight made the multiple scars on his skin glow.

"I should call them in a few weeks, tell them that Bella is back in the family," I answered, starting to make my way deeper into the forest. There was no hesitation in my voice as I said the word 'family'. Since Edward had brought Bella over my doorstep all those years ago, she had joined my family, irrevocably and without a doubt.

"You're worrying about Rosalie's reaction," Jasper stated.

"A bit," I admitted. "She can be very erratic, and what happened to Esme had a deep impact on her. Like on the rest of us."

Jasper nodded quietly, falling to step beside me. Rosalie had been very close to Esme, and those two had possessed the ability understand each other in ways which were almost impossible for the rest of us. The reason was their similar pasts; Esme had lived in an unhappy and abusive marriage before I had found her. And Rosalie had been betrayed and profaned the same way. What had happened to her was simply brutal.

I could still remember her quiet breaths, and the smell of her blood on the quiet streets of Rochester. The stench of the wet and filthy pavement had filled my nortrils as my soundless steps had taken me to the dying girl. The ground beneath my feet had shook once again as I had realised how cruel and twisted a human mind could be.

I never felt regret having Rosalie in my family; the only regret sprung from the fact that she didn't want this life. And I had doomed her into living it, forcing her into an existence she resented.

I was glad she had Emmett, and I hoped that in time he could heal her. In many ways he already had; at times, I had been able to see Rosalie's eyes glow with happiness as she enjoyed this endless life with Emmett. Knowing that she didn't have to live it alone.

"Rosalie's had a long time to process everything what happened in Alaska," Jasper said, continuing our earlier conversation. "Although I have to admit it'll be difficult to predict her reaction. Even when I know how she feels, she's a puzzle to me sometimes. So many emotions, buried and forgotten. A little like Bella."

"Hmmh." Bella was like a puzzle to me also.

The trail of our conversation changed as Jasper started to tell me about a vampire he had seen in Germany a few weeks ago while he was there with Alice. It roused my interest, and I found myself asking more questions.

"Vegetarian?" I queried, using shamelessly the mocking description of our diet. I already knew the answer - I hadn't met anyone else besides the Denali clan who fed on animals instead of humans.

"Definitely not. The alley was dark and he passed us by very quickly. I only saw the redness in his irises. Most likely a nomad - seemed to be in a hurry to get away from us. Maybe the colour of our eyes made him shun our presence."

"Sounds plausible," I agreed. The cell phone in my pocket rang suddenly, startling me. The sound echoed in the silent forest.

"Alice," I breathed and answered immediately. Jasper froze beside me.

"_Carlisle!_" Alice shrilled loudly on the other end, and I could swear that the heart in my chest grew heavier.

Something had happened.

"Alice, what is it?" I demanded, my voice so loud that a flock of ravens took off from the trees beside us.

"_Carlisle, you have to get here right now! I don't know what happened, she just_..." I heard Alice's quiet sob from the other end, and she fell silent.

Jasper was already on the move, yanking my arm forcibly. My feet were rooted to the spot, but after a fraction of a second I had leapt into the forest, trying not to clasp the cell phone too hard in my hand as I ran. Jasper chuffed beside me, as tense as I was.

"We are on our way, Alice. Is she conscious?" I asked, trying to run through the possible diagnostics in my head. A tree branch cracked and shattered as I swung it out of my way.

"_No_," came Alices hopeless answer. "_Her heart is beating weirdly and her breathing is shallow_," she sputtered, the sound of tears in her voice. "_Please hurry_," she pleaded.

"Lie her on her side," I ordered. "Make sure she's breathing. We'll be there in a moment."

I stretched out my muscles, extending my strides. I had never been running so fast during my entire existence.

_Please don't let me be too late,_ I prayed. _Don't take her away, too..._

Jasper hadn't even bothered to try to calm me down with his abilities. He probably knew it wouldn't help. Fear was consuming me, the black panic taking control of my every thought as we ran through the night. Why did I have to leave her side? She needed me, and I had left her...

Guilt and fear battled for dominance in my heart.

Fear prevailed. It conquered my mind, gnawed and clawed - I thought my soul would rip in half.

If a vile creature like me even possessed one.

The journey to the house seemed to last forever. The meters turned to miles, the seconds felt like hours. I could swear that the time slowed down; we couldn't be this far away from the house, could we?

What could have gone wrong? She was so well today, walking around and smiling... Guilt consumed my heart again, because I had let myself feel false security - I had let my guard down. And now someting had happened, she had gotten worse...

Finally the lights of the house were visible to us. I leapt across the yard, wrenching the backdoor open, choosing the route which was the shortest. The cell phone I had clutched in my hand clattered on the floor, but I barely registered the sound.

_Don't let me be too late._

The sound of her heart was wrong. I listened to it as I raced the three flights of stairs that separated me from her. Her heart wasn't beating regularly, and the cardiac muscle wasn't contracting properly; with a startle I realised it was almost quivering.

_Ventricular fibrillation,_ I realised with a fright.

The bedroom door was open. I stormed inside, vaguely realising that Jasper was right behind me.

Alice was hunched over Bella, her pale palm pressed against her cheek.

Pale. She was too pale. Her nose had been bleeding; under the flowed red liquid her lips were turning blue.

Ventricular fibrillation was a serious condition. It resulted in the cardiogenic shock, and the cessation of blood circulation. If the patient wasn't revived during the first few minutes, it would cause an irreversible brain damage. Death occurred soon after.

I was cold and numb as I lowered myself on the floor next to her still body, probing her neck and the quivering of her heart with my fingers. Her skin had a grey tint, and it was clammy with sweat. I lifted her eyelid to see the pupil.

It was dilated, non-responsive to the light.

"What's wrong with her?" Jasper's voice sounded from somewhere far away.

"Ventricular fibrillation." I sputtered the words out of my mouth, not completely aware that I had even spoken. I was feeling detached, unable to connect my mind and body.

"Carlisle, you have to do it," Alice stated, her voice intense and emphatic. I realised that Jasper had stayed in the room, despite of the blood. I should have told him to stay away, but I had no time.

All I could see and think was Bella. Her motionless body lying on the floor, her life in my hands.

I had to do it.

"Carlisle!" Alice cried out suddenly, pure horror in her tone. There was a sharp moment of stillness, and suddenly it was very quiet.

Too quiet.

Bella was quiet - her heart had gone silent. No pounding, no vibrating. No nothing.

_Dear God in Heaven, have mercy upon me._

The venom flowed in my mouth and on my tongue, and I bent down, piercing her delicate skin with my razor-sharp teeth. I managed to hit the jugular vein; soon the sweet taste of her blood covered my teeth. I licked the wound, trying to seal the venom inside.

My palms turned her body onto her back, seeked her chest, and I began compressing. Her ribcage sank under my hands as I forced her heart to beat.

"Bella," I whispered, trying to get my panic under control. I stifled the anguish and fear, continuing blindly reviving her. I had to get the heart beating, so that the venom would spread...

What if I failed?

I already had failed; I hadn't been here, protecting her when she had needed me...

Swallowing the panic, I took a deep breath. _I can't let her die._

"Alice?" I asked, a slight tremor in my voice. Jasper came to stand behind me, crouching down and setting his hand on my shoulder. A wave of calm washed over me.

"I can't see her," Alice whimpered, answering my soundless question. I bent down again, biting the other side of Bella's neck. My hands were numb as I felt the lifeless organ flattening under my palms as I pressed her ribcage again.

I had to go on, I couldn't give up...

Words slipped through my lips, but I wasn't aware of conjuring up the words. "Don't give up, Bella," I urged.

But my words were unheard. She couldn't hear me.

_I was too late, _my tortured mind whispered.

Suddenly every pump felt like a year. And year after year, compression after compression, I heard the dead sound of her heart beneath my stone palms. The organ started to get more stiff beneath the pressure. My muddled brain wondered it for a second, and then I heard Alice gasping.

It had to be the venom that caused the stiffness - a small fragment of hope ingnited within me, only to die away.

Her heart was still silent. I stopped the pressing for a moment to blow air into her lungs. Her lips were cold and bloody - she smelled like death.

_She's not dead_, I tried to convince myself. I had to go on.

I tore my gaze from Bella's pale face for two seconds to see Alice.

Her eyes were blank as she focused on Bella's future. She had gasped a moment earlier; what did it mean? Her hands had balled into fists as she squeezed the red sleeve of Bella's sweater.

"Alice?" I demanded. My voice was hoarse and stern, nearly angry.

I _was_ angry. At myself, at the world, at the God Himself. For letting this happen.

Jasper moved to crouch beside Alice, shaking her shoulder a bit.

I pressed Bella's chest without a break, focusing on her face; the dark circles beneath her eyes, the way her lashes created shadows on her skin, the sheen of sweat on her forehead, the blood that had trickled down on her jaw, the blue color of her lips...

I felt something crack, and at first I thought that the sound came from me. Because I felt like my heart was shattering.

But then I realised that I had pressed too hard, causing one of Bella's ribs to crack. I had to draw a deep breath to compose myself. She was already too broken and torn - she didn't need me violating her even more...

I was supposed to be the one to fix her. And instead I was causing more damage. I had held the power to heal her, and I hadn't.

And now it was too late.

I couldn't save her. Like I couldn't save Edward and Esme. I was always too late, always striving to be there in time. But I was destined to fail.

Grief, so piercing and raw, almost made me double over.

I was so consumed in my pain that I didn't realise the ever increasing stiffness of Bella's heart beneath my palms. I stopped the compressing, leaning down again to bite her wrist and neck, even when it was useless. But I couldn't bring myself to stop. Because if I stopped, it meant that it was all over - that it became real.

A quiet pulsation startled me as I bent down to bite her neck again.

And I could swear that the world stopped turning. Everything and everyone froze, Jasper, Alice and myself. My hands were on Bella's shoulders, and I found myself pressing my ear against her chest, as if to make sure I hadn't misplaced the sound.

And what a wonderful sound it was.

I heard Alice breathing vehemently; it sounded like she had lifted her palms on her mouth and was now suppressing a shriek. I didn't see her face - my ear was still pressed against Bella's chest.

Strong hands grabbed my shoulders, giving me a violent shake. That made me lift my head, and I vaguely realised that Jasper had grabbed me in the surge of emotions in the room; his own, Alice's and mine. His expression was agitated, almost unglued.

The beating of Bella's heart was slow at first, but then the throbbing grew faster, and in a matter of seconds her heart was racing. The sound was full of vigor, full of life.

It was the sound of a changing heart.

And I could swear that my own dead heart was beating with hers. Her heart was changing, and so was mine; she had changed it, irreversibly.

And there was no turning back.

* * *

At first she was very quiet.

We still sat on the floor, surrounding her still form. Bella's heart was racing now faster than before, as the venom coursed through her veins.

I could still remember the pain I had endured during my own transformation; it had been a struggle not to scream or even let out a whimper. I had seen Edward, Esme, Rosalie and Emmett screaming and shouting, begging for me to kill them - the pain was that severe.

It's not that I expected or truly wanted to see Bella in pain, but her silence and immobility was making me worry that something had gone wrong.

She was so still and quiet.

"Should we move her?" Alice asked, a slight tremor in her voice due to the stress of the previous minutes.

I glanced at Bella's motionless form, also realising that the bed would be more comfortable than the floor. I slid my arms behind her neck and knees, gently lifting her in my arms.

And the first touch of my skin against hers made the hell break loose.

She wriggled and struggled againt my grip, her whimpers quiet at first until she started screaming at the top of her lungs. The sound was full of despair, and I felt my heart twist in agony. The moment was bittersweet; I felt relief that the transformation was going as it was supposed to. But her screams tormented my soul; every whimper on her lips was like a whiplash against my sore heart.

I tightened my hold of her until I managed to carry her to the bed. She kicked and writhed and squirmed like a wild animal in rage, her screams reverberating in my ears.

I knew the screaming wouldn't help.

"Jasper," I pleaded as I lowered Bella down on the covers, almost afraid to touch her. It had been my touch which had triggered her screaming, after all. "Can't you do anything?" I asked, knowing very well that he couldn't help, but I had to ask anyway.

Alice and Jasper appeared on the other side of the bed, both of them looking helpless. The bed jolted and shook as Bella convulsed and writhed, and I grasped her arms hesitantly, holding her in place and hoping that my touch would calm her.

Jasper's gaze was tense as he looked at Bella, frustrated that he couldn't bring her any relief. Now I truly realised and apprehended his presence; he was still here, despite of the floral scent of Bella's blood that lingered in the room. I knew he had to be struggling to keep himself in control.

He sensed my worry, gazing at me. "I'll stay as long as I can," he vowed.

"You're doing remarkably well, son" I praised, Bella's shrilling scream almost drowning my words.

Then her eyes opened; I winced at the pain and burning I saw in them. "Carlisle," she whimpered. "Make it stop!" she begged, her eyes squeezing closed as the fire consumed her veins. I knew how much it hurt, I knew the pain she was going through. I had been burned on that very same stake.

"It's alright, Bella," I soothed, not knowing how to calm her. "It'll be over soon," I promised, hating to lie to her. Her feet kicked again, and she struggled against my grip.

Her screams never ceased. Minutes ticked by, torturously and slowly. The fright started to dissipate slowly from my mind, and I realised that the last hour had easily been one of the most stressfull ones yet during my long existence. And I had seen and experienced a lot during my life.

My eyes took in the drying blood on Bella's lips and nose, and I started to wonder what had occured during my absence. A million questions in my gaze, I looked at Alice. "What transpired while we were gone?" I asked. "How did she get so weak all of a sudden?"

I didn't want to accuse Alice of anything, making sure my tone wasn't accusing. Alice's golden eyes bore into mine and she looked guilty, nonetheless.

Bella's screams echoed on the backround as she started to explain.

"I don't know, Carlisle," she said, her tone begging. "I'm so sorry. Soon after you left she said she was tired and went to bed. After an hour or so I heard her getting up," she sputtered. "I was downstairs, and considered to take a look if something was wrong. Then I heard her going into the bathroom and wash her face and..." Jasper put his hand on her shoulder, trying to calm her down.

"It's alright, Alice," I reassured her. "I don't blame you for anything. I just want to know what happened."

Alice took a deep breath before continuing. "Her future disappeared," she said quietly. "She came out of the bathroom and then I smelled her blood. I rushed upstairs, and she had fallen down on the floor and her nose was bleeding... I couldn't get her to wake up."

There was no mystery now; apparently Bella had endured some sort of a heart failure. I had known all along that her body was giving up, and it shouldn't have been a surprise for me. Acute leukemia progressed fast and weakened the patient quickly.

Guilt mauled my soul again, making the venom in my mouth taste bitter. Perhaps I had strained her too much during these past few days, and I hadn't made sure that she got enough rest. Yesterday should have been like a red flag to me. She had been so weak and tired, and I hadn't payed more attention.

And now she was paying the price. Burning alive.

And I called myself a doctor.

"It wasn't your fault, Carlisle," Jasper said quietly, his quiet and calm voice the complete opposite of Bella's pained shouts.

But I felt like it was. What would happen after she woke up at the beginning of her new life? She hadn't given me the permission to change her. Would she resent me for taking away her choices?

"You had no choice," Alice joined in. "Of course you had to change her. You couldn't let her die." Jasper nodded at her words, turning his golden eyes towards mine.

"This was bound to happen sooner or later," he drawled. "The time just arrived sooner than you thought."

"And it was about time," Alice added, her tone a little more happier now. "I can't wait until she wakes up - she's going to be so gorgeous."

I thought she was gorgeous already.

Bella's shouts were now more quiet, and she wasn't wriggling and kicking anymore. I called out her name, but she didn't respond. The pain took all her focus.

I wanted to wipe the blood away from her face. When she woke up, the smell would make her throat hurt, causing the burn that was unimaginable. I felt bad because I hadn't had the chance to prepare her for the first days as a newborn, knowing that all the new senses and instincts must cause confusion and fear in her.

Alice's sudden request - or an order more likely - both confused and irritated me. "You boys get out now. I want to change her clothes," she declared.

I frowned at her, and Jasper suppressed a smile, getting up from the bed and walking to the door.

"What's wrong with the clothes she's wearing now?" I queried, sweeping my gaze over Bella's clothing.

"Just give in, Carlisle," Jasper recommended. "You can't talk her out of it."

Alice sighed, exasperated. "Look at her! Her clothes are too boring for this occasion. She has to wear something nice when she wakes up," she explained, as if the information was something self-evident. "Don't take this away from me, Carlisle. I've waited for so long. And you'll thank me later," she promised, giving me a wink that both confused me and made me feel uncomfortable.

I glanced down at Bella; her breathing was shallow, and she wailed quietly. I didn't want to leave her side.

"Just a few minutes, Carlisle," Alice pleaded.

I sighed, leaning down to whisper words in Bella's ear. "I'm not far," I promised. "Just hang in there." Her cheek was warmer than before as I pressed my lips against her skin, heedless of Alice's and Jasper's gazes.

My steps were heavy as I stood up and made my way out of the room, glancing over my shoulder one more time before closing the door after me.

I refused to leave more farther, pacing in front of the door, and all I could do was to listen the storming speed of Bella's heart. Clothes and zippers rustled as Alice worked quickly.

Bella's piercing scream almost made me yank the door open and storm inside. "It's alright," Alice reassured from the room. "Don't come in yet."

Jasper's quiet chuckle sounded from behind me, and I turned to him, wondering the subject of his amusement. Was he laughing at Alice's obsessive way to concentrate her energy on clothing, or at my impatience?

He had leaned his tall figure against the wall. The hall was dimly lit, and only the moonlight managed to make its way inside. My mind was muddled, and for a moment I had to focus to think what time it was.

I glanced at my watch. Past eleven in the evening.

This would be a long night. And the next days would be even longer - I couldn't be sure how long the transformation would take. Usually it lasted at least two days, but sometimes it took five, depending on the amount of venom in the system.

"I've never felt you so impatient, Carlisle," Jasper suddenly stated. "You're always the most calm and composed of us all."

I sighed, trying to release the pressure of the past few weeks. "A lot has happended today," I answered. The expression was so mild that it made me chuckle.

"It has," Jasper admitted.

Alice's voice rang out from the room. "You can come in now," she declared.

I pushed the door open to see Alice sitting on the bed. She had been one step ahead of me as usually, wiping the blood from Bella's lips and nose with a wet washcloth.

Bella's eyes were squeezed closed, ragged breaths rasping between her gritted teeth. Her hands were balled into fists, her face wrinkled with the frown of agony.

Alice finished cleaning the blood and moved to wipe the drops on the floor. I took her place by Bella's side, setting my hand on her shoulder. She wailed quietly. "Can you hear me, Bella?" I asked.

If she did, she couldn't show it. After a moment of silence she broke off to scream again. She trashed and twisted, and I was forced to hold her in place to keep her on the bed. My touch probably made her hurt even more, and I murmured apologies because of the pain I had caused her.

I was vaguely aware of the smooth silk under my fingers as I wrapped my arms around her slender body to keep her still; I hadn't had the time to see how Alice had dressed her. Her arms were bare and so were her legs and feet. But what she wore was insignificant to me; all I could care about was her pain, and the fact that it was my venom burning inside her veins.

I considered using morphine to help her with the pain. But I was quite sure it was too late already, and I doubted that any pain medication could even help her; I still remembered the last time she'd had venom and morphine in her system. And she had seemed to be in as much pain back then when James had bitten her.

The minutes turned to hours as I sat by her side, waiting, Alice and Jasper staying with me loyally.

Outside the glass wall the dawn was breaking; the usual layer of clouds stayed away, allowing the sun to peek behind the mountains before shrouding it once again.

And I waited.

* * *

**Chapter 29**

**PREVIEW  
**

_The pain continued, forever and ever. It didn't stop. It made me sink, get lost in my own body. My heart was beating, making my ears ring, suffocating the whispers and voices that I vaguely heard.  
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_At one point I felt something brushing against my skin; it scalded and burned, leaving behind invisible blisters. Who was torturing me with those touches?  
_

_A heavy silence fell every once in a while. Something cool and wet brushed against my face and nose, making me suffocate.  
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_Words and whispers, steps on the hardwood floor.  
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_Then I lost my mind and body once again. Hands held me down, nailing me to the spot.  
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_I was sure now; the pain would never end.  
_

_How much longer?_**  
**

* * *

**A/N: **This was a chapter I both dreaded and craved to write. I wanted to put Carlisle in the position when he was forced to change Bella - it adds more complexity to the story. I didn't want it to be like "Hey Bella, you wanna be a vamp and live happily ever after?" "Okay." I wanted Carlisle really to taste that despair when he realised that he might lose Bella. I'm a little sadistic sometimes. Although I don't want to cause Carlisle_ too_ much pain. He's too cute :)

I feared that the biting scene would resemble too much of the scene in Breaking Dawn and I didn't want it to, at least not too much. But it came out this way in any case. But I'm quite happy with it.

The following line is not a direct quote, but a borrowed piece of information from the Stephenie Meyer's _Midning Sun. _Edward descibes Emmett him that way in the first chapter.

_I remembered that Edward had once said that he didn't feel intrusive while reading Emmett's mind, because he would never think one thing that he would not say aloud or put it in action._

I wanted to give you a little foretaste of the next chapter, I hope you like it. I'm almost done with chapter 29, and I'll post it in a few days.

I hope you enjoy! The reviews make me burst with happiness, and I want to thank you once again. All sort of criticism is welcome!


	29. Chapter 29: Faithful

**Stephenie Meyer owns Twilight :)**

* * *

**_The dark is generous, and it is patient, and it always wins._**

**_It always wins because it is everywhere._**

**_It is in the wood that burns in your hearth,_**

**_and in the kettle on the fire;_**

**_it is under your chair and under your table and under the sheets on your bed._**

**_Walk in the midday sun and the dark is with you, attached to the soles of your feet._**

**_The brightest light casts the darkest shadow._**

**_The dark is generous, and it is patient, and it always wins_**

**_— but in the heart of its strength lies weakness:_**

**_One lone candle is enough to hold it back._**

**_Love is more than a candle._**

**_Love can ignite the stars._**

-Matthew Stover, Revenge of the Sith -novel-

* * *

**Faithful**

BPOV

Caressing.

Light touches of warm skin.

A finger trailed across my chin, trailing around my face until probing the shape of my eyebrow.

The touch felt wonderful, but unfamiliar. And at the same I knew that touch. I drew in a breath, smelling the tinges of soil and mud. Water streamed and rippled somewhere near. The sound was calming.

Calm. It was so calm in here.

The touches ceased. It made me open my eyes, almost irritated. Why did the person stop?

Pale blue orbs stared down at me, the round small face so close to mine that a normal person would have shrieked in horror and pushed the invador away. But I didn't. Because I wasn't afraid.

There was no fear in this place.

The face disappeared from my field of vision.

For a moment I considered letting the owner of those blue eyes go wherever she pleased. I was in no hurry to go after her.

But she wouldn't leave me alone. What an annoying little thing.

"Isabella," she sang.

I sighed, pushing myself to sit up on the moist ground. I turned my head, measuring the greenery around me.

The trees towered over me, covering the sky and preventing the light from filtering down to the ground. But even without any light source, there was a strange glow in this place, and that glow guided me, allowing me to see.

I turned my gaze towards the sound of the rushing water.

At first I only saw the girl. She was waving at me impatiently, urging me to get up. Her sand-colored curls bounced as she jumped and wiggled impatiently.

I stood up slowly, savoring the warm ground beneath my bare feet.

"Come on, Isabella," the girl rushed. She stretched out her arm and took my hand in her own. Then she pulled, and started to lead me towards the rippling sound.

Then it was very dark, and for the first time I got a little frightened. The blackness was numbing, and it almost hurt my eyes as I squinted in the darkness. I felt a gentle squeeze around my hand, and then I remembered I wasn't alone. My fear vanished.

"It won't be long now," the girl said in the darkness.

And she was right. Soon I was engulfed with that same green glow as before. The sound of the rippling water was stronger, and I looked ahead of me in wonder.

The water was so blue, almost turquoise.

The springs, I reminded myself. I was finally here. This was the end of the road.

The little girl let go of my hand as I took a step closer to the water. I was careful and silent as I walked, as if trying not to break the spell. I hesitated for a moment, turning around to see the little girl.

She stood where I had left her, a small smile on her face. The blue water reflected from her eyes, and her long hair tumbled down her shoulders like a waterfall.

"Aren't you coming?" I asked. She was supposed to come with me. She was the one who had brought me here, after all. I wouldn't have made it without her.

The girl shook her head. "You have to go the rest of the way yourself, Isabella."

Her words made me sad. I had to go on alone.

"Don't worry. Someone is waiting for you."

I glanced at the springs, and saw no one.

"Who?" I asked as I turned back to the girl. The only answer I received was a secret smile.

"Don't look back," she said. "When you continue on your journey, don't look back."

How could I not look back? It wasn't as easy as she made it sound.

I looked at the girl from head to toe, as if trying to memorize her. One last glance. I didn't say goodbye and nor did she, and I hoped that I would see her again sometime. And at the same time I accepted the fact that I might not.

Then I turned around once again, making my way to the bright blue waters, step by step. When I reached the edge that separated the water from the ground, I crouched down and looked.

The water was so blue, so pure and clean. There was no ways to describe the beauty of this place.

But why was I here? And who was waiting for me? Why was this place so significant?

I reached out with my hand, brushing the surface of the water softly, breaking it and causing a ripple.

But my touch was a mistake.

Suddenly everything was dark again. Black and gloomy. I tried to get up, but I couldn't get my legs to work. I was glued to the spot, not able to move. Breathing was suddenly difficult. It was like something was pressing my chest, preventing me from inhaling. I wanted to scream and call for help, but no voice came out.

I was afraid. And I was alone.

I was drowning and suffocating...

Then the most beautiful voice pierced the darkness. But the voice wasn't the smooth and calm one I had gotten so used to. The sound bore pure fear and dread.

"_...Ventricular fibrillation!_"

My ears started ringing, almost blocking the voice and the other sounds. Someone else spoke, but I couldn't tell who it was. This voice was familiar too, but I had no strength to remember.

"_Carlisle, you have to do it._"

Carlisle was here. He was somewhere near, trying to pull me away from the darkness. He wouldn't let me drown, would he?

But the blackness called me in, and I was weak against it. And I was so weary. There was no reason to fight against the insurmountable.

The pressure escalated somewhere inside me, nailing me down. It pierced and pulled and dragged and hauled...

Did I even exist anymore?

And then the tension and pressure was gone, and I was gone with it.

I was floating now. I had a feeling that the place wasn't so dark anymore. But I couldn't know for sure; my eyes were closed.

Voices, again. I couldn't make out what they were saying. Maybe they were just sounds, not meant to be deciphered or understood.

Blurs. Smears and blurs of colours.

"_I heard the Chief's daughter was here._"

_He walks through the door, his steps fluid and graceful as he nears._

_"Oh, Dr. Cullen." Charlie, standing next to me as I sit in a hospital bed._

_"Charlie," the handsome blond man greets, taking a quick glance at me. "Isabella..." he says with his appealing voice. I let my eyes sweep his form._

_"Bella," I correct, finally able to snap my gaping mouth shut._

_"Well, Bella. Looks like you took quite a spill. How do you feel?"_

_"Good."_

Blurs of sounds and colors again, taunting and distorting... The blackness pulled me, and I slipped.

_"You're very welcome, Bella." Carlisle's walks towards me with careful and measured steps. He raises his hand tentatively, and I step forward to shake hands with him._

_"It's nice to see you again, Dr. Cullen."_

_"Please, call me Carlisle."_

_"Carlisle." I grin at him, surprised by my sudden confidence._

Voices. Something pressed my chest, and it hurt.

_"Alice, get me something to brace her leg!" Carlisle, bending over me, and trying stop the bleeding in my scalp. "Edward, you must do it now, or it will be too late," his smooth voice urging._

_The scorching pain in my hand as Edward pressess his lips on the wound. Something holding my broken leg to the floor, Carlisle locking my head in the vice of his stone arms..._

The pain disappeared, I was drowning again...

_Edward. Sweet, beautiful Edward, laughing as he pulls me up the stairs. He opens the door and we step inside. A loud chorus of "Happy birthday, Bella!" echoes in the room and makes me blush with embarrasment._

_Esme's soft hair brushes my cheek as she hugs me. Carlisle, whispering in my ear as he puts his arm around my shoulders. "Sorry about this, Bella," he hums. "We couldn't rein Alice in."_

I tried to breathe, but there was no air. This place was empty. I was empty.

_"Even if I'm damned, regardless."_

_"Carlisle, you couldn't be damned. You couldn't, it's impossible."_

I tried to move, but my limbs were heavy.

_I was drowning. The fear was consuming me, and the darkness pierces me... I'm afraid._

_"Bella, can you hear me? It's alright, you're safe..."_

_"Carlisle?" I whisper, my stomach twisting with nausea._

_"I'm here, Bella. All is well," he promises. I don't believe him._

I hung onto that voice now, desperately.

_Carlisle's beautiful face in the dark evening as we sit on a wooden bench._

_"So make a wish," he urges, refering to the flying hawk in the night sky._

_"You make a wish," I grumble._

_His smooth laughter, gentle like the summer rain. "I already did."_

_My despair, when I can't think of anything._

_"Make the wish for me," I plead him._

_Fire dancing in his eyes, a secret smile making his lips quirk. "If that is what you wish."_

The pain started again, twisting and pressing my chest.

_I glance down at myself, wondering how awful I look._

_"You look nice," Carlisle compliments, his voice nectar and honey._

_"It's unlikely that I fulfill Alice's standards," I answer, rolling my eyes towards the ceiling._

_Carlisle smiles, his golden eyes flaring. "But you fulfill mine."_

A voice called out my name, fearful and desperate. It was a familiar voice, and I wanted to answer.

_Millions of diamonds glistening on Carlisle's skin. His golden gaze studying me, as if he sees something pleasant. His hand grabs mine and he raises it to his lips, savoring and worshipping._

Piercing pain again. Burning.

_My heart racing and throbbing as his lips press against my cheek. His hair, soft and silky under my palms as he holds me close, drawing in my scent. A sudden desire flares inside me and startles me; I shouldn't be feeling like this_.

The burning spread, scorching and searing. I wanted to scream.

_Carlisle sitting opposite of me, despair in his voice. "Talk to me, Bella," he pleaded. "Don't hide from me."_

_His lips, pressing against my warm skin as he kisses the hot tears away._

Hot. It was so hot. Something was burning.

A cool touch punctured the darkness, making it escalate and rip. Someone was screaming and howling, making my ears hurt. The sound resonated inside my head, tantalizing and tormenting.

The fire licked and threshed, and now I realised that it felt familiar. It was like a vague memory from the past life. I knew this fire, I knew this burning.

Venom, I realised.

But the familiarity of the situation brought me no comfort now. Someone held me in place, making me stay me in the fire. The touch was cool and scalding at the same time.

"Jasper," asked a smooth voice. There was something familiar in that voice. If only I could remember...

But the pain was relentless, taking every ounce of my concentration. I felt myself trashing and kicking, and a loud scream pierced the air once again. My throat hurt.

It was me who was screaming.

Someone spoke again, a different voice this time. The words were subdued and dull. Hands held me still and made me burn.

Another flow of words, spoken by the same smooth voice that had felt so familiar before. It was silky, like liquid honey; like a gentle summer breeze. I hang onto that voice, but the words were lost to me again, burned away by the fire.

I punched through the blackness, trying to keep the pain away. Colours danced in front of me, making me dizzy. "Carlisle!" I screamed. "Make it stop!" My own howling words made my head hurt. The colors were gone again.

Words whispered somewhere close. I couldn't catch them. It hurt too much.

Why didn't he just kill me? Why did he let me suffer this way? Did he hate me that much?

"It'll be over soon," he promised. Liar.

And he was. Because it wasn't over soon; the pain continued, forever and ever. It didn't stop. It made me sink, get lost in my own body. My heart was racing, making my ears ring, suffocating the whispers and voices I vaguely heard.

At one point I felt something brushing against my skin; it scalded and burned, leaving behind invisible blisters. Who was torturing me with those touches?

A heavy silence fell every once in a while. Something cool and wet brushed against my face and nose, making me suffocate.

Words and whispers, steps on the hardwood floor.

Then I lost my mind and body once again. Hands held me down, nailing me to the spot.

I was sure now; the pain would never end.

How much longer?

Words were squeezed out between gritted teeth. "Kill me, please." I recognized the voice. It was my own.

But I received no answer. Only a brush of hand that wasn't so cool anymore; it confused me. But then the burn came back, preventing any other thoughts. Because there was only the pain, and nothing more beyond that. And I was lost in it, never finding the way back. I listented to the beating of my own heart; it was flying, the time between the beats almost impossible to define.

The fire kept on burning, millions of beats later. There was no one to put it out. I didn't know how long I lied in the flames - years could have passed, and it wouldn't have surprised me.

This was what forever felt like.

I started to count my ragged breaths to keep the pain at bay. But it was no use - the pain was impossible to forget, or to push aside. Eight hundred and seventy-seven breaths later I was still burning, the pain still violating me.

Another scream ripped through my throat. Someone whispered something, touched my burning skin.

Twenty-one thousand and eleven breaths...

"Please," I wailed. "Please kill me..."

Someone stroked my cheek, the gesture so tender and gentle that it left no room for a doubt - he wouldn't kill me, no matter how much I begged.

_I want to die. I want to die, want to die, want to die..._

Why did they let me burn?

Through the fire, a question was asked. "Alice?"

It was Carlisle's voice. Carlisle mattered. I focused on him; the sound of his breathing, listening if he said something else. He wasn't far away. I heard the way his clothes rustled as he shifted his position. With the focus also came other sounds; a clock was ticking somewhere near. Or maybe it was far, I couldn't be sure. But the sound was clear, and it told me how much time was passing.

Alice's voice, like bells in the wind. "Soon," she said.

How soon?

Why couldn't they tell me how soon? How much longer would the fire scald and blister me? I opened my mouth to ask, because they were acting so inappropriately for not saying it out loud.

But instead of a question another wail escaped from my lips. I ground my teeth to stop the sound.

A soothing hand touched my arm. The touch burned, and I didn't realise I had grabbed the owner of that touch. The sound of the ripping fabric echoed from the walls.

"Careful, Carlisle." Jasper's voice, full of warning and tension.

I focused on sound of the clock again, the time between the seconds more slower than the time between the beats of my heart. But seconds were also too slow, and it made me lose my mind. The burning spread up to my throat, making it as dry as the sand in the desert.

"Bella, do you hear me? It won't be long anymore, you're doing so well."

How much longer?

My heart started fluttering, even more faster than I thought possible. It was racing and rushing, and the burn lessened for a moment. I had enough time to feel relief because of it. But then the pain was back, twofold.

No, a hundredfold.

The fire consumed my heart, making it quiver and pulsate. It burned and blazed and it hurt. Goodness gracious, it hurt.

The throbbing muscle was giving up, consumed by the flames. The fire spread, leaving coolness inside my limbs and fingertips, moving forward to give one last blow to my racing heart.

Thump-thump. Thump-thump.

Thump.

And then it was very quiet.

* * *

The silence was wonderful.

Although, not as wonderful as the absence of the pain. I almost couldn't comprehend it.

The ticking of the clock could still be heard. Someone drew in a silent breath. I did so too, realising I wasn't breathing anymore. I didn't need to.

I could taste the room in my mouth as I breathed in. Paper, leather, vanilla, apples, cinnamon, linen, roses, musk, wood... Endless amount of smells and flavours.

What was happening?

I sensed movement somewhere near me, someone coming closer. A touch on my bare arm. A warm touch. It startled me.

One second passed as I opened my eyes, flung myself at whoever was invading my personal space, felt my teeth sink into a muscle that was both hard and soft...

And then I was in the farthest corner of the room, crouching. My lips were drawn to reveal my teeth.

That series of reactions confused and startled me, more than the earlier foreign touch. The moment passed so quickly that it was almost impossible to understand that so many things had happened in such a short time.

Three creatures stood eight yards away from me. Staring, regarding me with their gazes and assessing the danger I presented. And I assessed them, letting my eyes sweep their forms.

I could see very clearly. The knits in the fabrics of their shirts, the small dust particles that flew in the air. My vision focused on the smallest of things; my eyes found a white spot on the wall - someone had missed it when it had been painted. The spot was tiny, only a half of a millimetre, but it stood out against the blue background.

Someone shifted, the sound of a head turning slightly.

I focused my stare back at the three pairs of golden eyes.

Alice was as slender and petite as before. But her face - I had to blink, as if to see better. But I already saw better, better than I had ever been able to see. It's like I had been blind before.

She was so beautiful. Her golden eyes were glistening with happiness, and she smiled widely. And I realised that she was no threat to me.

I was being so silly. What was wrong with me? I felt myself calming down, confusion trying to replace the agitation.

Jasper nodded his head slightly which caused me to turn my focus on him.

He looked beautiful, fierce and scary. His face and neck were covered with dozens of grazes and scratches. It made him look dangerous - he _was_ dangerous. Someone with that amount of scars couldn't be safe.

I tensed again, feeling the venom pooling into my mouth. Why did he look like that? Who had clawed him? I crouched lower, a quiet snarl escaping from my mouth.

"She's afraid," he whispered under his breath to someone. I heard it, and had a difficult time understanding his words.

I repeated his words in my mind. "_She's afraid_," he had said.

Was he talking about me?

And suddenly I knew that he must have. And I also realised that he was right.

I _was_ afraid.

I spread my fingers and then balled them into fists, and then spread them open again, ready to defend myself. My foreign instincts told me to run, to fight, to do whatever I could to defend myself against this situation. Those instincts were new to me and a part of me didn't want to obey - but they were instincts after all, and I had no power over them. They were meant to keep me alive and unharmed. And so I had to obey.

An angry hiss escaped from my lips. The sound made me wince.

Someone took a step on the wooden floor - the sound was hollow and it resonated from the wall peculiarly, and I felt the floor boards vibrate under my fingertips.

I wrenched my eyes away from Jasper, risking to observe the person who was nearing me despite of my aggressive posture.

And what I saw made bewilderment conquer me.

I really had been blind before. His eyes, his pale skin, the way his hair was swept back, the tone of his muscles under his shirt...

An angel had come down from the skies to walk among us. And that angel was looking at me.

And then he spoke, his voice so smooth and silky that I had no choice but to relax and focus my hearing; I wanted to catch every tone and syllable.

I watched the way his lips opened. "Bella," he formed my name, calmness and serenity radiating from his tone. I vaguely realised that he was rubbing his arm with his other hand. The sleeve was ripped, and a blotch of silver venom absorbed slowly into the dark fabric.

"I know it's disorienting and frightening," he continued quietly. I straightened myself, rising up from my crouch. I wasn't afraid anymore. Carlisle was safe.

He stopped abruptly as I stood up, regarding me carefully with his gaze.

Suddenly I felt the need to breathe again. Well, not exactly feel the need, but I wanted to. I drew in a breath, tasting the air.

The smell was familiar. I knew that smell, but now it was more defined than before. Musk, wood, linen, leather, cinnamon, bread, paper and ink...

It was Carlisle. And I wanted more.

After a fraction of a second I was in front of him. He stiffened, and didn't even bat an eye, still wearing that that cautious expression. I had never seen him like that, so stiff and wary. Like he was afraid of me.

Afraid of _me_.

A laughter escaped from my mouth. I stopped to listen the sound; it was melodius, like flowing liquid.

But then I forgot my voice. There was something more important for me to focus on. I sniffed again, drawing in the sweet scent. I was inches away from his chest, and I glanced upwards to see his face.

My proximity didn't seem to bother him. But he still wore a slight frown, observing my every movement, every jolt of my muscle. Like I was a dangerous criminal or something.

But behind the caution and wariness, I saw something else.

Joy and relief. Satisfaction. Silent admiration. Tenderness.

Were all those things directed at me?

It couldn't be.

I drew in another breath, savoring the wonderful smells in the room. But something was missing. Like the room was lacking the smell I was searching for. It was the scent I needed at the moment; my throat started to burn.

Thrist.

Wonder and delight left my mind, and the only thing I could think of was my thirst. The scorching of my throat, dry as the plains of desert.

"Carlisle," Jasper warned. His voice was low and deep, his Southern accent more prominent to my ears. But his voice was beautiful, despite of the tension in it.

Another voice stole my focus again. "Bella," Carlisle called. I glanced at his face again, taking a step back to see better; he was so beautiful. "How do you feel?" he asked.

How did I feel? What did I feel?

I didn't know.

"Confused," I answered, speaking now for the first time. Thousands of bells chimed in my voice, making me feel like a fairy singing in the summer night.

The voice was foreign. It didn't belong to me.

Who was I anyway?

"I know it's confusing," Carlisle comforted, and once again I had to focus on listening to his beautiful voice. My hand rose up to my throat as the burn intensified.

Was this how Edward and the others had felt? Was this how they were feeling at the moment, all the time? The burning was suffocating, like someone was shoving a branding iron down my throat.

And I hadn't even smelled any blood yet. How much worse could it get?

Jasper moved closer, his posture tense. He probed my feelings, searching the reason for my distress.

"How can you take it?" I whispered, searching for an answer. Carlisle's hand rose, the movement calm and measured. He didn't want to scare me.

His hand brushed my bare arm, his skin smooth and silky. A ripple traveled through me, causing me pleasure that I couldn't decipher.

"It'll get easier," he assured. "Once you've hunted the pain won't be that prominent."

Hunted. I didn't know how to hunt. But I knew I needed it; the thrist was taking control of me, and all I could think about was the burning in my throat.

"I don't know how," I managed to murmur, my new voice still beautiful even when it bore so much despair.

Carlisle drew his hand back, giving me a small smile. "Don't worry. It's instinctive," he reassured. My eyes fixed suddenly at his arm he had drawn away. The sleeve of his dark blue sweater was torn, lacking a piece of fabric.

My efficient brain found the reason almost immediately. I thought back at the moments when the fire had disappeared from my veins. Someone had touched me, and I had attacked...

"I bit you," I exclaimed, horror-struck.

Carlisle lifted his hand to rub the broken marble skin on his bicep; I was sure it was aching a bit. I allowed myself a second to admire the pale muscle that the hole in his shirt had revealed.

"No harm done, Bella," he hummed with his tenor. "I shouldn't have surprised you."

"I'm sorry," I mumbled, suddenly ashamed. I lifted my hands to cover my face, my skin soft and mellow under my palms.

Warm hands pried my mine away, revealing me underneath. Warm hands. Carlisle's hands.

We were the same temperature.

"Don't worry yourself," he tried to convince me, and I was surprised to hear laughter in his voice.

Jasper shifted his weight, letting out a breath that sounded nearly frustrated. Apparently this was some sort of a signal to Carlisle.

"Why don't we go outside?" he asked. "I'm sure you're very thirsty."

And I was. I felt my nerves fluttering again when thinking about hunting. What if I didn't know what to do?

"Maybe we should go with you," Jasper suggested with his deep voice. "In case you need..." His golden eyes flicked at my direction, and now I understood his worry.

A vague and hazy human memory popped into my mind.

_"Newborn vampires are extremely powerful at the beginning of their new lives, because their own human blood still lingers inside their system."_

Carlisle had told me that after he had found me at the hospital all those weeks ago as he had told about Edward and Esme.

And I was a newborn. I was strong, and dangerous. That's why they were so careful with me.

"It's alright Jasper," Carlisle said. "Maybe it's better that there will be as little distractions as possible. And she controls herself quite well."

Alice had started to giggle at the word 'distractions'. I wondered why she thought it was funny.

And why did Carlisle think that I was good at controlling myself? I probed my feelings, trying to figure out if he was right.

I felt like me. But I still didn't. I didn't feel like I wanted to start raving and raging. Everything was just so confusing, there was so much to_ see_. Focusing was difficult.

We stepped out of the room with Carlisle, and it was only now when I started to wonder what time it was. And how long had I been burning? What had happened?

We were downstairs even before I realised. Damn, I was fast. This was weird. Moving was so effortless. More than that, it was so easy. The illness I had suffered from was gone, and it didn't limit my movements anymore. There was no aches or pains to restrain me.

"What day is it?" I asked, quietly enjoying my musical voice. "How long was I out?"

"Almost three days," Alice answered. She had moved to the hall with Jasper.

"It's Christmas Day," Carlisle confirmed. "In the evening." Something in his tone made me look up at him. He sounded apologizing, almost regretful. But why?

"Wow," I answered. "Merry Christmas, then," I chuckled, not able to think of anything else to say.

I managed to draw a smile out of Jasper - finally. Alice beamed at me, her white teeth flashing in the dim lighting. "It's certainly been the most exciting Christmas ever," she rejoiced. I had to smile at her comment - she looked so happy.

We started to move outside with Carlisle. He rushed to open the door for me - I didn't know if he wanted to be a gentleman, or was he afraid I would crush the door with my touch.

As I stepped into the snow, I finally looked down at what I was wearing.

I could have sworn that three days ago when I had gone to bed, I had been wearing a pair of black jeans and a sweater. But now, my body was covered with black silk. I wasted a second to study the new angles and curves in my body, but then I turned my focus back to the piece of clothing I was wearing.

If someone could call this a piece of clothing. It was barely a piece.

It was a black sleeveless dress, a mid-thigh length. My feet were bare as were my legs and shoulders. I groped my back with my fingers, brushing aside my long hair.

A _backless_ dress.

"Alice," huffed, partly annoyed and partly horrified. Carlisle chuckled quietly at my reaction.

I whipped around in the ankle-deep snow. "I know you can hear me!" I yelled at the house.

Jasper laughed from inside the house, and I heard Alice's musical giggling. "Turn down the volume, Bella," she chimed. "It's a nice dress."

"Where's the rest of it?" I asked, still shouting.

The front door opened and revealed Alice. Jasper peeked over her shoulder with a reserved smile. "Oh come on, Bella. It's not like you're gonna be cold," she remarked. The door slammed shut just in time to block the snowball that flied through the air.

I huffed, rising from the crouch I had lowered myself into to scoop up another handful of snow.

I hadn't forgotten I had company. I turned around, masking my face with a casual expression, and looked at Carlisle.

His expression was anything but casual. He was biting his lip to prevent himself from smiling. The sight was annoying and disarming at the same time.

"At least this time it's not your fault that you leave outside without shoes," he stated innocently. I gritted my teeth and glided past him, giving his arm a light smack on my way.

The sound of his hissing made me stop and whirl around.

Carlisle was holding his arm, the same one I had bitten earlier if I might add, a grimace of pain making his face contort.

"Oh no! Oh my god! I'm so sorry, I didn't mean to..." My voice was high-pitched and panicked, ripping through two octaves. Jasper's worried face appeared to the kitchen window.

Carlisle was quickly reassuring me, forgetting his arm. He took a step closer with his hands outstretched, gesturing at me placatingly. I took four steps back in a nanosecond. Snow puffed around my feet, sending millions and millions of tiny crystals in the air. I froze to stare at them for a second, but then my focus was back on Carlisle.

"It's alright, Bella." The gold in his eyes gleamed like the crystals around me. "Of course it takes time until you can control your strength. You're doing remarkably well."

Okay. I had bit him _and_ smacked him. And that was a good behaviour in his opinion?

"I'm sorry."

He chuckled quietly, and I realised I had never really heard his laughter until now; it was like the rippling of a brook, or the way the waves crashed against the rocks...

It was a wonderful sound.

"Come on. I'll show you the way," he guided, and sprinted towards the mountains. I was after him in a blink.

The running was so... easy. The snow should have bothered me beneath my bare feet, but it didn't. I expected my toes to go numb because of the cold, but for some reason I knew that the worst thing could happen was getting a little too uncomfortable due to my lack of clothing, combined with the chilly weather.

The forest was alive around us as I gained the distance between me and Carlisle. I heard the small animals and their fluttering heartbeats as I ducked a tree branch.

Carlisle was really fast. But I was at the beginning of my new life, full of strength, and my own human blood in my tissues made me even stronger. With three long strides I caught up with him.

We stopped before reaching the mountain top. I glanced at the spruces and pines around us, trying to ignore the dry burn in my throat that was growing more and more disturbing.

"Now what?" I asked, once again feeling nervous.

Carlisle lifted his finger on his lips. "Listen. Can you tell me what you hear?"

I obeyed, focusing on the sounds of the forest.

Somewhere an owl hooted - it was three miles away and facing away from us - and a part of me wondered if it was the same owl that we had seen with Carlisle a few nights ago. It seemed like a lifetime since I had walked with him on that dark path as a weak human, and trying to summon the strength to do something as simple as to take a walk.

But it hadn't been a lifetime, only a few days.

"Bella?" Carlisle asked, noticing that I wasn't focused.

"Sorry," I said. "It's just that... This is all happening so fast and it still feels like so long..." I shook my head and laughed, wondering the reason why my new impeccable brain couldn't figure out anything more intelligent to say.

Carlisle wore that same apologizing and regretful expression I had seen back at the house. "I know." His gaze fell to the white ground. I suddenly realised that even though it was very dark, I could see him almost perfectly.

"Can you ever forgive me?"

His voice was quiet and pleading. I froze and stopped breathing - a reaction for my surprise - and just stared at him.

What did he mean?

He lifted his eyes from the ground, and he looked tormented. Like someone was jamming wooden sticks under his fingernails.

I managed to get my ability to speak back. "Forgive you what?" My bell voice was high-pitched again, and the sound echoed in the sleeping forest.

Carlisle took a step closer. "For what I did, Bella. For dooming you to this eternal life. For changing you without your permission."

Oh, that.

I had a feeling like I should be shifting my weight from foot to foot, or bite my lip. Do something that embodied the fact that I had been taken by surprise, and I was now confused.

I took a deep breath, the smell of pine and snow filling my senses. "I don't remember much of what happened," I started, refering to my very last night as a human. "But I'm sure that if you felt like you had any other choice, you wouldn't have changed me without my consent." I quirked my eyebrow at him, noting that the movement felt unnatural.

"Am I right?" I asked when I received no answer. But I knew I was right, despite of what he said. And I couldn't be mad at him for changing me - as if I could ever be mad at him.

Carlisle cut off my thoughts as he started to speak.

"Your heart failed," he said quietly. "Alice called me when we were getting back at the house. When I got to you, your heart wasn't beating correctly, and it had resulted in the cessation of blood circulation." His tone was distant and professional, and I wondered if he did that on purpose so he wouldn't have to think too much about that night.

"It was probable that you already suffered a brain damage at that point." The distance was now gone, replaced by misery. His eyes flicked to mine quickly to scan my reaction.

"A brain damage." I nodded. "Wow. I think that's the one last thing I can now cross from my list of injuries," I joked.

But Carlisle wasn't laughing. I sighed. Of course he had to go through the martyr-phase. "Carlisle, I get it. I had a brain damage, and I thank you for saving me from actually having to suffer from it. Let's just move on, okay? I'm not mad at you."

"It wasn't just the brain damage," he continued before I could say anything more. "You heart stopped. I almost thought that you wouldn't pull through." He swallowed thickly.

I took a step closer to touch his arm with my hand, very carefully. "But I did, thanks to you. You didn't give up on me."

Our eyes met, and something passed between us. I didn't know what it was, but it took all my focus at the moment. Then a sound disrupted it; something was wading through the snow, and I heard the wet sound of a lapping heart...

The burn in my throat increased.

Carlisle noticed my reaction to the sound. "This conversation can wait," he said. Then he reached out with his hands to turn me around towards the sound.

I had crouched down without even realising it, my hands groping the snow on the ground. Carlisle crouched down beside me to give me instructions. The burn in my throat escalated.

"Listen," Carlisle whispered. "Do you know what it is?"

I listented to the sound of that beating heart. It was moist and wet, making the venom surge into my mouth. I raised my head to take a better sniff. The scent was... unpleasant. Loamy and unclean.

I frowned.

"You'll get used to it," Carlisle whispered beside me. "The blood of herbivores is more distasteful than the carnivores'," he explained quietly.

"Please tell me that's not a carnivore, then," I grumbled. A moment after moment I felt like I wouldn't care what the blood tasted like, just as long as I could get my thirst to lessen.

Carlisle chuckled quietly. "No. That's an elk."

I heard the elk stopping - had it heard us? It was sixty yards away, and I could hear the way it chuffed.

"Go ahead," Carlisle encouraged. "Use your instincts."

It wasn't as difficult as I had thought. My feet were taking me towards the prey, my movements quick and graceful. I had never moved so soundlessly in my entire life.

We weren't that high in the mountains, and the ground was rising only a little. But in any case I noticed myself aiming to climb a little higher - I knew I needed to get above the prey so I could surprise it better.

The tree trunk was coarse under my palms as I peeked behind it. I was still like a statue as I held my breath. My eyes were glued to the huge animal six yards away from me. The sound of it's heart was now louder, faster.

During the last second before I pounced, the elk sensed the stalking gaze of the predator.

But it had no time to run away. I was faster. I leapt, an involuntary snarl escaping from my mouth, and then I collided with the huge animal. It keeled over and trashed, and I went down with it. I heard it's bellow at the same it I sunk my razor sharp teeth into the furry throat.

The blood was wet, warm and tart. It tasted bad, but managed to ease the burning in my throat. It was almost the same feeling when I had once come home from school as a kid, incredibly thirsty because it had been a hot day. I hadn't bothered to let the water run for a while from the tap to make the metallic and rusty savor go away - I had bent over to drink straight from the tap, so thirsty I had been.

I pushed the carcass away from my body, and for a moment I let myself mourn for the beautiful animal whose life I just had taken. This was my nature now. No turning back.

Someone was watching me from the trees.

I glanced at the pair of golden eyes, and made my way back through the woods. Carlisle nodded his head approvingly as I walked to him.

"Was it difficult?" he asked conversationally, as if we were bowling or golfing.

"Not really. It was easier than I thought." The burning in my throat had lessened, but not gone away. Would it ever go away?

Carlisle started to brush my shoulders with his hands, and at first I didn't know why. But then I glanced down at myself, discovering that I was almost completely covered in snow. I started to dust the black dress and my long hair, swearing an oath to myself that the next time I went hunting I would wear something more appropriate.

"Are you ready to go home?" Carlisle asked.

Home. Did I have a home?

For the first time during the night I felt a tinge of sadness pushing it's way through me. I nodded quietly, not able to meet Carlisle's gaze.

And we ran through the night, together. The forest was quiet and sleeping, and the moon peeked behind the thick clouds every once in a while, casting the silver light as if to honour this night.

It was a very special Chritmas night.

And it was the night I came alive.

* * *

**A/N:** And so Bella joins the Cullens, irrecovably :) I really enjoyed writing this chapter, but I have to say that getting inside Bella's head was a bit more difficult than before. She's gone through a huge change and her feelings are a little tangled, even more so than usually.

We are able to see Bella's and Carlisle's relationship deepening a bit; they might not be aware of their feelings, but I think they both know that something's going on. They just don't realise what it is yet :)

Bella's flashbacks at the beginning of this chapter were something I wanted absolutely to include. A few of them are from the movies Twilight and New Moon (owned by Summit Entertainment), and I added a few scenes from the books Twilight and New Moon as well. Again, I can take no credit for owning them because Stephenie Meyer does.

The chapter 30 is on it's way, and I'll post it in a few days :)

I hope you enjoy! Let me know what you think :)


	30. Chapter 30: Variations

**Stephenie Meyer owns Twilight :)  
**

* * *

_**Carlisle was suddenly standing beside me,**_

_** as if he'd been there all along. **_

_**"Welcome back, Bella."**_

_**He smiled.  
**_

- Bella Swan, _New Moon_ -

* * *

**Variations**

"For how long?"

Bella's voice bore restrained horror as she stood in front of the mirror. Alice had dragged her there instantly as we had stepped inside the house after our hunting trip.

Bella stared at the mirror, her bright crimson eyes obviously horrifying her.

She hadn't bothered to gaze at her renewed body. She didn't care about the way the black silk dress hung around her slender form, revealing the curves I had longed to see in her. Gone was the teenage girl I had once met in Forks, uncomfortable in her body. And gone was the girl I had met years later in the hospital - had it only been a few weeks ago?

There was no illness visible in her anymore. She was slender, but suitably muscular and round in the right places. I had to tear my gaze away when I realised that I was staring.

She was healthy. And she was alive. The thought brought me joy I had difficulty to describe with words.

"It'll take a few months until the animal blood fades the color," I soothed her quietly. Her brown locks bounced as she turned to look at me, piercing me with her crimson gaze.

I would miss her warm, brown eyes. But this was a small price to pay, considering I would get to have her in my family forever.

If she wanted to stay in my family, that is. She should have been upset with me for doing this to her without her permission. I, in no means, regretted the fact that I had saved her life. But still I felt like I had done wrong endangering her soul.

Jasper came to stand next to me, seeming now more relaxed than earlier, knowing that Bella had hunted. He was very careful and cautious with newborns, and I couldn't blame him, considering what he had gone through in his life.

Bella's eyes flicked to Jasper, and again I saw the confusion and fright in her as she took in the scars that covered his skin. The sight was frightening for any vampire who had no idea what had happened to him. Bella hadn't been able to see the scars before; her human eyes had been too weak.

"Well what do you think?" Alice piped up from next to Bella, satisfaction exuding from her.

Bella glanced back at the mirror, a small frown on her face. "I look weird."

I chuckled quietly.

"No one I have dressed looks weird, Bella," Alice warned. "And what comes to clothes and dressing..." Her golden eyes sweeped my form, and I suppressed a sigh. My sleeve was still torn from two different places. Bella had ripped a part of it in the haze of her pain during the transformation, and the upper part of the sleeve had gotten it's share also.

It had been my own fault to go and touch Bella so soon after waking up. She had acted instinctually when she had attacked me.

"Carlisle, the black button-down, please," Alice ordered and pointed upstairs. I gave a helpless shrug to Jasper as I turned away and started to make my way upstairs. I saw Bella lowering her gaze sheepishly to the carpet, still ashamed of her unintentional behaviour.

As I changed my shirt, I considered different ways to make Bella see how good she was performing. She wasn't as uncontrollable as I had expected her to be - Emmett and Rosalie had been a lot worse, including Edward...

The thought of my first son and companion made me almost shrink with sorrow.

What would he say if he were here today, seeing Bella in the beginning of her new life? Would he be joyous because of the fact that Bella was now a vampire, or would he resent me for damning her?

A small part inside me had whispered things into my mind during the last few weeks; I had tried to ignore the voice, but not completely succeeding in doing so.

That voice was back again. What if Bella had wanted to die in the first place? What if she had been only waiting until the illness got the better of her, so she could reunite with her loved ones? Charlie, Renée and Edward...

On the other hand, I didn't even know if she believed in afterlife, or in God or Heaven.

I made my way back downstairs, lost in my grim thoughts.

Jasper and Alice were sprawled on the couch in the living room. Bella stood next to the huge glass wall, her posture straight and still. At the moment she looked exactly like what she was - a vampire. She seemed to be uncomfortable in her new body, and still very natural at the same time.

The thoughts of Edward and his imaginable disapproval still haunted me. But if he were here, would he understand? I was sure he wouldn't let Bella die, either.

"Why so sullen, Carlisle?" Jasper asked, causing Bella to tear her eyes away from the window.

I had a feeling that Jasper attracted everyone's attention towards me on purpose; he had sensed my regret. And now he was calling me on it.

I made my way to the fireplace, busying myself with starting the fire. "No reason," I answered, keeping my tone casual but adding a warning tinge in it.

"Is something wrong?" It was Bella's voice this time, vivid and melodious like a wind chime.

I threw her a glance, giving her a quick smile before turning my attention back to the fireplace. "Of course not."

From the corner of my vision, I saw Jasper mouthing words at her. I would have been irritated if I hadn't suddenly been feeling so weary.

Warm hands grabbed my wrists, yanking the logs away from my hands. I glanced up to my side, surprised.

Bella had crouched down next to me, holding the logs in her fists. Her red crimson eyes regarded me reflectively. "Is something wrong?" she asked, a slight edge in her tone.

"No. I already told you," I sighed, attepting to take the wood from her. But she held them back.

"Is this about what we talked about in the forest?" she pressed, referring to our conversation a few hours ago. She squeezed her fingers around the logs ever so slightly. The material gave in under her grip, making the logs crumble into splinters.

Bella took a moment to observe the pile of crushed wood in front of her knees. She frowned, looking confused and surprised. But then she pushed those feelings aside, scooping up the mess with her palms and throwing the splinters into the fireplace.

After every crumb and particle of dust were in the fireplace, she dusted her palms together and turned to me like nothing had passed.

"Let's talk this through," she suggested, her voice pure steel. Her words reminded me of my own ones a few days ago when she had refused to tell me what was going through her mind.

I sat on my heels, deciding it was only fair to listen what she had to say.

"Do you regret having me here?" she bombarded.

I was appalled by her words, my jaw dropping slightly open. "Of course not," I renounced, shocked that she could even see it that way.

"Then why are you like that? At times you look like the happiest person on this whole planet, and the next second you look like the apocalypse has hit," she demanded, her voice slightly high-pitched from stress. I realised I had never witnessed this side of Bella, not in a long time. She was speaking out, honestly and baldly. Finally.

And she did that because of me.

I drew in a deep breath. "Believe me when I tell you that I am very happy, Bella. Because you survived, and you are here with us." Her eyes softened a bit, but I knew she wanted more. That gaze could still make an ocean freeze, so stern she looked.

"This is all about my weaknesses and insecurities, really," I continued and chuckled joylessly. "I just can't help but feeling... culpable," I frowned, not knowing how to put my thoughts into words. "For taking away your choice. Your will."

"But it was me who dragged out the decision, and eventually forced you to act on the last minute," Bella insisted. "I mean, you asked me a long time ago and I've been keeping you on your toes since then. It wasn't fair for you."

"It was a big decision, and nothing to take lightly. Of course you hesitated," I justified.

"Of course it was a big decision." Bella reached out to take a matchbox from the mantleshelf, lighting one up and throwing it into the fireplace. Then she held out a piece of a kindling, letting the flames consume it and allowing the fire to catch better. I watched carefully her movements in case went she went too near of the fire, still feeling the need to shield her from injuries; our venom was highly flammable.

"This is all very confusing," she admitted. "I've been a vampire only like a couple of hours, and I feel like there's so much to learn and to discover. So much I don't know yet. It's... so weird. And scary," she chuckled quietly, the flames reflecting from her red eyes. "I guess this all hasn't sunk in yet."

"But I am glad, and grateful if you are so willing to welcome me in your family with open arms," she continued, glancing at me quickly, her tone a little disbelieving.

"You were always part of my family," I answered, watching the way the fire danced in her eyes after hearing my words. Someone shifted behind me on the couch, and I remembered we weren't alone.

Jasper joined the conversation. "Carlisle," he said. I rose from my crouch and faced him.

Jasper had wrapped his arm around Alice's shoulders, holding her tightly. He lifted his arm to brush her cheek gently, and then he leaned forward to his knees, locking his gaze with mine.

"I've had the honor to live with you for a long time," he began. "And when I try to imagine what it would be like, if you hadn't taken that risk with Edward all those years ago when you changed him..." He linked his fingers, letting his words echo in the silent room. "And after him with Esme, and Rosalie and eventually Emmett. All of our lives would be a lot different right now." He turned to give Alice a smile. Love radiated from that smile.

"It's a great gift you have given us by giving life to so many. So please don't feel guilty about it," he stated, turning his eyes away from Alice.

His words touched me. I nodded, trying to think of something to say in return, but found myself at a loss for words.

"I know," Jasper drawled, saving me from putting my feelings to something verbal.

Bella had gone very still, listening to Jasper's confession. She was gazing at him intensely, still trying to get used to the amount of his scars.

Jasper noticed her gaze. "You're curious," he stated. Bella lowered her gaze sheepishly, and for a moment I expected her to blush.

"I'm sorry," she said, smiling a bit.

"Don't worry," he answered and leaned back into the couch. "Maybe it's about time you hear what brought me to Carlisle's family in the first place." Then he reached out to pull back his sleeves, revealing the thousands of scars that covered his skin. I heard Bella's silent gasp.

"The vampire venom is the only thing that can scar us," Jasper began. "And I didn't have quite the same upbringing as my adopted siblings."

Bella's voice was quiet and frail as she spoke. "What happened to you?"

Jasper took his time as he told the story I had heard several times before; the way he had joined the army as a young man, and turned into a vampire two years after that. And about the Southern vampire wars and the reasons behind them; claiming territories to hunt. And how the Volturi were forced to interfere every once in a while when so many people were killed, causing to attract attention.

Bella listened in silence, and even I could feel the horror exuding from her.

Jasper told about the creation of the newborn armies and of the way his creator, Maria, had used him and the others of his kind to reclaim her dominance. "Maria was a good judge of character," he told. "She decided to put me in charge of the others - as if I was being promoted. It suited my nature exactly," he drawled. "Maria grew quite fond of me - she began to depend upon me. And I almost worshipped the ground she walked on. I had no idea that any other life was possible. Maria told us this was the way things were, and we believed."

Minutes passed as he continued with his story. He told about Peter - a newborn who had proved to be strong and useful - who he had developed a friendship with.

"...And then it was time to purge again. The newborns were outgrowing their strength; they were due to be replaced. Peter was supposed to help me dispose of them. We took them aside individually, you see, one by one..."

He got to the point where Peter had run off with one of the newborns, a woman named Charlotte. Years had passed, the cruelty and killing continuing. Bella shuddered once again at his words. I sat down on the floor next to her, reaching out to squeeze her hand quickly. Jasper's story wasn't for the fainthearted.

His voice was quiet as he told about his growing depression, and the way he had gotten tired of killing and violence. "Maria was mystified by my ever-deteriorating frame of mind. She'd never felt a moment's depression, and I wondered why I was different. I began to notice a change in her emotions when she was near me - sometimes there was fear... and malice..."

Jasper had been prepared to kill Maria, the core of his existence. But then Peter had come back, telling about his new life with Charlotte. About their lives without wars and fighting.

And Jasper had left with them without looking back.

After living some time with Peter and Charlotte, he wandered away from them, only the continuing depression as his companion. He had been tired of killing and feeling the emotions of his victims before they died - I couldn't even imagine what it had been like for him.

"Yet I had to keep killing. What choice did I have? I tried to kill less often, but I would get too thirsty and I always gave in. After a century of instant gratification, I found self-discipline... challenging. I still haven't perfected that."

Jasper smiled suddenly. While he had been telling his story, his expression had been desolate. It must have been difficult for him to relive those times.

"I was in Philadelphia. There was a storm, and I was out during the day - something I was not completely comfortable with yet. I knew standing in the rain would attract attention, so I ducked into a little half-empty diner. My eyes were dark enough that no one would notice them, though this meant I was thirsty, and that worried me a little."

At this point he glanced at Alice, and they smiled to each other. "She was there, expecting me, naturally." He chuckled. "She hopped down from the high stool at the counter as soon as I walked in, and then she came directly toward me. It shocked me - I was not sure if she meant to attack. That's the only interpretation of her behavior my past had to offer. But she was smiling. And the emotions that were emanating from her were like nothing I'd ever felt before. 'You've kept me waiting a long time,' she said."

Alice grapped Jasper's hand. From the corner of my vision, I saw Bella smiling.

"And you ducked your head, like a good Southern gentleman, and said, 'I'm sorry, ma'am,'" Alice laughed, her chiming voice lightening up the atmosphere.

Jasper smiled at her. "You held out your hand, and I took it without stopping to make sense of what I was doing. And for the first time in almost a century, I felt hope."

A comfortable silence fell into the room. I gazed at Bella, seeing that she was still smiling. "Wow," she said after a moment. "Did you go to find Carlisle after that?" she asked, giving me a curious glance.

Jasper nodded, telling her what Alice had found out in her visions.

I still remembered it like yesterday. Emmett and Edward had been away on that day, hunting. And then Alice and Jasper had arrived - and as if Jasper's appearance hadn't been intimidating enough, Alice had known everything about us, including our names.

"I still remember my surprise when you appeared on our doorstep," I chuckled at Jasper. I turned to Bella, smiling fondly at the memory. "Alice greeted us all by names and seemed to know much about us. Then she asked which room she could move into."

Bella laughed, hundreds of bells chiming in her voice.

"Edward was away with Emmett, on a hunting trip," I continued. "And when they returned, Edward found all of his belongings from the garage," I laughed, remembering his surprise that had combined with irritation.

Bella shook her head, her smile fading a bit after hearing Edward's name. "Was he mad?" she asked.

"As if he could be seriously mad at me," Alice laughed. "He was a little annoyed, at first. But then he realised how nice person I am," she added smugly.

The three of us - Jasper, Alice and myself - we're smiling fondly at our memories as the silence fell once again. It felt good to be able to smile at those memories, even when they included Edward and Esme.

Bella seemed ruminative, and she opened her mouth, hesitating. Then she snapped her lips shut, staring at the fireplace.

"What is it?" I asked.

Bella frowned, taking a deep breath. She stopped to take another deep breath to smell the burning wood, discovering a new scent. "You mentioned something in your story," she began, directing her red gaze at Jasper. He nodded, prodding her to continue.

"A name," Bella mused, lowering her gaze to the floor. I could see that something was bothering her. "The Volturi. You said that they were forced to interfere when the newborn armies got out of control," she spoke quickly, as if to get the words out of her mouth as quickly as possible.

"Do you know what the Volturi are?" I asked, unsure how much Edward had told her five years ago about our world.

"Just a little," Bella mumbled. "Edward - ,"

It seemed to take a lot from her to say his name aloud. I felt sorrowful for her.

"He said that they were like royalties," she continued after a moment. "And that you don't provoke them unless you want to die."

I nodded. "They have taken the role to enforce the law, you could say," I told her. "There are only few laws in our world. And the most important one is the secrecy. To not to draw attention, and keep the people unaware of our existence," I explained.

The next minutes passed as we narrated a few of the most important matters to be considered in our world. Once again I felt rueful for not explaining these things to her earlier; she had to take in so much information in such a short time. Luckily her memory was more efficient now.

And we had time, endless amounts of time.

Alice and Jasper started to tell her about the enhanced abilities, which I was sure Bella had already discovered.

"So, I'm like, stronger than any of you?" she asked after a moment after we had explained how the physique changes after the transformation.

"Yes," Jasper said. "You could beat even Emmett," he chuckled, probably imagining a wrestle match between them. The thought seemed to bring him amusement.

"You're very strong during the first months of your new life," I continued. "And the thirst is worse during these months, also. It'll get easier after a year or so. Everyone is different."

When I had started to talk about thirst, I saw her wince. I felt sympathy towards her, knowing how painful the drought in her throat was.

"How long will it take until I can be trusted with people?" Bella asked, not able to hide the tremor in her voice.

I drew in a breath to answer, finding it very difficult. Jasper stepped in.

"It depends," he responded quietly. "It may take years, even decades. I'm over a hundred years old, and still having difficulties."

Bella nodded, turning her gaze towards the fire to hide her expression. She bit her lip, and I knew the answer must have shocked her.

"I'm sorry," I whispered, once again feeling guilty for causing her to suffer. I reached out to touch her arm.

She shook her head, looking at me quickly. "It's okay," she breathed. "It's a price I pay gladly. I don't want to kill anyone." Her voice was brittle, and I realised she truly was scared of the possibility of taking someone's life.

I knew I would do anything to shield her from that pain and guilt. I had seen that pain countless of times before; even my own Esme had slipped. And I knew it hadn't been easy to deal with the consequences and feelings afterwards.

I noticed Bella's gaze searching the wall, staring at it intensely. I wondered what she saw, or was she just lost in her thoughts.

After a few seconds of glowering she sighed, drawing a curious glance from Alice and Jasper.

"What's wrong?" I asked, concerned.

"Nothing," Bella said and stood up, her movements infinetly graceful. "I just wanted to try if I could drill a hole into that wall with my gaze," she muttered. I had difficult time deciphering if she was serious or not.

She saw my confused frown and shrugged, her gesture a little stiff. She needed a lot of practise before passing as a human.

Jasper chuckled on the couch, understanding Bella's words before I did. "You wonder if you have received any special ability?" he asked.

Bella whizzed to stand in front of the glass wall again, staring at the moon outside. Her pale skin glowed in the dim light. "Well, you know," she speculated under her breath. "It would be cool to walk through solid walls or fly or something," she said, her tone highlighted with wistfullness. Now I knew she wasn't completely serious.

Alice's bright laughter echoed in the room. "Be glad when you don't have to see the future. Sometimes it's a blessing, but there are times when I would give it up. It's awfully stressing."

"Who knows," Jasper spoke. "Maybe your abilities will be revealed later," he said to Bella.

She turned away from the window, her black dress swishing against her skin. "Nah," she chuckled. "I've gotten used to be boring and ordinary. Maybe it's a good thing I can't make the earth crack or anything." Her soundless steps took her to the Christmas tree in the corner of the room. She almost took one of the decorations between her fingers to study it, but drew her hand away when she remembered her strength. She leaned in closer to breathe the aroma of the resin. A smile of pleasure lit up her face.

There was nothing ordinary about her. She was exquisite, adorable and millions of other things. Unconsciously, I pulled my knee to rest against my chest and leaned my chin against it, savoring her form across the room. Her brown hair cascaded down her back like a veil of silk.

"What are you smiling at, Carlisle?" Jasper asked loudly, a restrained laughter in his voice. Alice poked his ribs with her fingers, not in a reproaching way, but teasingly. They both smirked, the silver moonlight reflecting from their teeth.

I glowered at Jasper, rising from the floor. "Nothing," I stated, keeping my voice casual. I threw a quick glance at Bella before making my way out of the room. She was frowning at our conversation, confused.

"What's going on?" she asked, her voice resonating to the hall where I had escaped.

"Nothing," Alice answered before her bubbly laugh filled the air. I made my way quietly to the door and stepped outside, savoring the crispy night air around me.

I didn't know why I felt the need to leave the room - it had just suddenly felt too small. My feet took me across the porch, and I lowered myself to sit down on the stairs made of stone.

Alice's and Jasper's quiet chatter wafted from the house. Among their voices, I heard the quiet steps that traveled across the hall, and then the front door opened behind me.

Her scent floated into my notrils as Bella sat down next to me a foot away. I had been curious how much her scent would alter after being changed into a vampire, and I wasn't disappointed. The smell of her blood had been exceptionally wonderful, and she still carried on that scent.

It was a mixture of lavender, roses, freesia, soft musk, vanilla, strawberries... The aroma was so complex I had difficult time to enumerate them all.

She reached out to grasp a handful of snow from the railing, studying the tiny crystals. Her expression bore pure enchantment. I expected her to start asking if something was wrong or why had I left, but instead she was silent for a few minutes.

"So what now?" she asked, directing her eyes at me.

I met her gaze, quirking my brow. "What do you mean?"

"I mean about everything. What do we do now? How are you going to explain at the hospital that I'm not going back there?"

The thought had entered my mind briefly. "I'm not sure yet. We don't have to fake your death necessarily - I can arrange that it looks like you've checked out of the hospital. If you want, I can tell that you wanted to spend your last weeks somewhere else. No one has to know what happened." It wrenched my heart to talk about her last weeks so casually. Luckily I wouldn't have to be afraid of that anymore - I would never have to guess how many days she had left.

Bella bit her lip, her eyes narrowing a bit. "Won't they get suspicious of you? I mean, you still work there and all that. I don't want to get you to trouble," she mumbled.

I had to chuckle a bit. "You worry too much. It will work out, somehow. And we are very good at what we do, and if we need to disappear, it'll be easy," I said. "We have gotten used to moving around a lot. But I appreciate your concern about having to keep my job." I gave her a small smile. She smiled back, turning her gaze to the white ground.

"Will you miss that place?" I suddenly asked. I knew she had spent nearly a year in the hospital, and perhaps she had bonded with someone during her time there.

"I don't know," she sighed. "The nurses were sweet sometimes," she admitted. "When do you have to go back?"

"The upcoming day is my last day off," I answered. "I could try to take a longer leave of absence if you - ," Bella shook her head at my words even before I had the chance to finish.

"You don't have to do that for me. I'll be fine with Jasper and Alice."

"I'm sorry that we have to chain you up here like this, away from everything."

She shook her head again, saying that it was no problem. But I could see that the thought of hiding from people and from the world for months, even for years worried her. But I knew she understood - we couldn't take the risk that her control would slip.

What came to her control... It still amazed me how composed she was, regardless she had just hunted. Animal blood wasn't nearly as sating as human blood was, from what I've heard. For a newborn, Bella was surprisingly calm. She should have been crazy with thirst, difficult to control.

She saw me frowning and regarding her with my gaze.

"Is something wrong?" she asked.

"No," I assured. "It just amazes me how calm you are. As if you were years old, instead of just a few hours. And I'm sure it amazes Jasper, too."

The door behind us opened - speak of the devil. Jasper leaned his elbows against the porch railing and Alice swung herself on it, balancing herself on the slippery metal.

"So," Bella started. "I should be like raging or something?" she asked.

"I've seen hundreds of newborns during my life, and it was very rare that any of them were as calm as you are," Jasper drawled. "Everyone's different, of course." He directed his golden eyes towards Bella, looking curious.

Alice spoke up. "Don't you feel at all agitated, then? Don't you feel at all thirsty?"

Bella frowned, trying to make sense of her own feelings. "I don't know. I _am _thirsty. Sometimes it's difficult to think about anything else. And it's so hard to focus most of the time. And I don't want you to put too much faith in me. You say that I seem very calm and composed but most of the time I don't feel like it."

I saw Jasper nodding from the corner of my vision. "I've noticed," he said. "But still, even when you feel nervous, you don't let it show in anyway. It's like you keep it inside," he observed, and I wasn't sure if he was talking to us anymore, or pondering the things with himself.

Jasper's statement made me understand the situation better; as a human, Bella had been very good at hiding and suppressing her emotions because of her troublesome past, refusing to deal with them. She was still doing it, trying to control her feelings and emotions. It was possible that perhaps that certain feature of her personality had enhanced during her transformation.

I didn't see it as a good thing, necessarily.

"Maybe we should inform Rosalie and Emmett of what's happened," Alice stated perkily. Bella stiffened beside me, causing Jasper to throw a glance at her.

"Maybe," I agreed, observing Bella's reaction.

"Will they come here?" she asked, her tone neutral. I wondered how much she dreaded to see them.

"I don't know. They might pay us a visit. Is it alright if we tell them the news?" I asked. "We could wait a few days, if you want to," I offered, not wanting to push her too quickly.

She gave out a nervous chuckle. "No, I guess it's okay," she consented hesitantly.

"I want you to be comfortable with the situation, Bella," I told her gently.

She nodded, still looking hesitant. "I know you do. And of course they have to know about me. It's their right." I could see that she was trying really hard to put on a brave face, and sound determined.

"Alright," I sighed eventually, not able to crack Bella's facade. "We'll call them in the morning, then."

Somewhere up in the mountains, a wolf howled. The sound was heart-rending, as if the animal was mournful about something. The night was very beautiful, the moon creating shades and shadows around the house.

Alice's voice broke the stillness after a while.

"Bella," she commenced, her tone allusive. Bella tore her eyes away from the forest, holding her breath.

"Come inside with me, I want to fix up a room for you," Alice chimed, excitement exuding from her voice.

Bella's brow furrowed as she twisted herself to see Alice. "What do I need a room for? I don't have to sleep anymore," she wondered.

Alice huffed. "Of course you don't, but everyone's got to have a room. Where else would you go when you want to be alone and sulk?"

I chuckled quietly.

"I'm not a teenager, Alice," Bella reminded.

Alice snarled quietly with frustration. She hopped down from the porch railing, and came to pull Bella up from the stony stairs. The latter rose reluctantly, sighing dramatically.

"I should have ran when I had the chance," she muttered, disappearing inside the house with Alice.

Jasper pushed himself away from the railing, tucking his hands inside the pockets of his jeans. I had a feeling he had something to tell me, but didn't want to say it until we were private. He would have to wait then - I didn't want to leave Bella alone just yet.

It's not that I didn't trust her. I wanted to trust her, but I had witnessed the temper that a newborn can have. She needed supervising a little longer. And I knew that Jasper felt the same.

"The second floor or the fourth floor?" Alice's voice wafted from the house.

"What?" Bella asked.

"Do you want to stay on the second floor or the fourth?" Alice repeated. "I recommend the fourth, because the rooms are bigger."

"Whatever. Anywhere's fine," Bella answered, sounding bored. Alice ignored Bella's lack of interest, starting to quibble about her different decoration ideas, heedless of Bella's quiet grunts and mutterings.

Jasper sat down next to me, listening to the quiet chattering. "She hasn't changed a bit," he chuckled, throwing an affectionate glance towards the house. I didn't know if he meant Bella or Alice. Maybe both.

"Bella is doing well, isn't she?" I asked quietly, hoping that Alice's palaver would distract Bella enough so she would miss most of our whispered conversation.

Jasper nodded, frowning a bit. "She confuses me," he said, his tone worried. I wondered what kind of emotions he had picked up from Bella.

"Does she worry about Rosalie?" I muttered under my breath while Alice's soprano voice echoed from the fourth floor. Jasper nodded again.

Bella's piqued voice sounded from the house, breaking our quiet conversation. "I don't need a closet that huge, Alice. It's bigger than all of my former apartments together!" she exclaimed, stunned.

"Really?" Alice asked, sounding curious. "How many apartments have you had?"

I heard Bella grinding her tongue, apparently realising she had shared something she didn't want to talk about. I guessed Alice had stumbled upon a tender topic.

"A few," she said quietly. It made me also wonder how many places she had lived before coming to Vancouver. I remembered her apartment in the city, and the depressing picture on the empty wall.

_"No story," _she had said quietly. _"That's the beauty of it."_

Would that girl ever be whole again? Was her heart beyond repairing?

I felt the touch of Jasper's hand on my shoulder. I nodded him, grateful of his presence.

"Seriously, Alice," Bella insisted, apparently trying to change the subject. "I hardly even own enough clothes to fill one drawer," she tried to reason.

"That's not a problem," Alice laughed, and I couldn't decide if it was a threat or a promise.

Bella's breath resonated from the walls as she decided to give up. I heard her lowering herself on a bench. "You're wearing down my remaining bit of mental health, Alice," she sighed. Alice's answer was to start singing_ Silent night, Holy night._

"You know..." Bella began, ignoring Alice's singing. "I feel like I should be exhausted. But I'm not, at all. I didn't even really feel the need to sit down just now - " I heard her palms slamming against the bench cushions. "It's weird," Bella stated.

"You'll get used to it," Alice reassured. "Think about all those things you can do now. You can study whatever you want, you can read books faster than ever before - and think how many there are! The possibilities are endless."

Bella agreed quietly.

"And if you ever get bored - ," Alice continued, now sounding shamelessly hopeful, " - you can always come shopping with me. Once you learn to control yourself."

Bella sighed.

The next minutes passed with bickering as Bella made the mistake to ask something more proper to wear than the black silk dress. Alice was appalled, her chiming voice making the whole house resonate as she lectured about Bella's lack of fashion-cosciousness.

I stood up from the stone steps, Jasper doing the same. I glanced one more time towards the sleeping forest, savoring the beautiful night scenery.

"You can say goodbye to the peace and quiet, Carlisle," Jasper remarked as Bella commented that the fashion would pollute and destroy the planet some day.

I laughed, suddenly feeling very warm and happy with the realisation. "I don't mind a bit," I said quietly. Weeks ago, the house had been empty in many ways, and I had roamed its halls alone.

But now the place was completely different. It was full of life and sounds, full of hope. Bella had joined the family tonight, irrevocably and officially. And soon, Rosalie and Emmett would be here also.

Maybe this would all work out somehow.

I was full of hope.

* * *

Hours later, Bella and Alice seemed to have achieved a mutual understanding what came to the room decor and Bella's clothing.

I set aside the book I had been reading the rest of the night, being able to tune down their conversation next room with varying success. I heard the sound of clothes rustling as Bella changed to something more appropriate. Not that I had minded the black tiny dress - it had been quite flattering on her.

I shook away those thoughts, reproaching myself inwardly.

The next task would be the one I both looked forward to and dreaded. I stood up from the chair, making my way to the hallway. The room Alice had chosen for Bella was next to my study, on the other side of the wall. The door was cracked open, and I knocked quietly.

"Go ahead, I'm decent. Finally," Bella mumbled, making me chuckle at her sarcasm.

She had replaced the black silky material with blue jeans and a purple button-down shirt. The clothes fit her perfectly, and it was a pure pleasure to see her looking so healthy.

I glanced around the room, observing what she had done with Alice.

Some of the furniture had changed places. A simple, cream-colored couch rested in the one corner of the room. The walls were still the same shade of cream than before, bringing a nice contrast to the dark red carpet and curtains. The window was wide, overlooking the forest and mountains.

There was an access to a bathroom and a small balcony; the double doors made of glass framed the doorway nicely. The rest of the room seemed awfully empty, including the wide shelf that covered one wall.

"It's nice," I complimented. "If you feel like it, I could go and pick something from your apartment if you need anything. Or Alice could."

Bella shook her head. "It's okay. It's fine the way it is. I just wanted to humor Alice, anyway."

Alice's annoyed snarl sounded from downstairs. "I heard that!"

Bella chuckled. "I wanted you to," she shot back, not able to suppress a smile. Then she glanced at me, biting her lip hesitantly.

"Are you sure this is okay?" she asked. "From time to time I feel like an intruder. I had planned to stay only a couple of days, and now you're stuck with me much longer than that."

I took a step closer, shaking my head. "I can't believe you are still doubting the fact that we want you here with us." I had intended to say it with a light tone, but found myself failing.

Bella lowered her gaze to the carpet and she looked concerned, probably thinking she had offended me. I reached out to touch her shoulder.

"Bella," I whispered, causing her to lift her eyes to mine. "You better start believing that you're very welcome here. This is your home now. As much as it is ours," I declared. I saw her swallowing.

"I haven't had a home for a long time," she said quietly after a moment of silence. It broke my heart; I knew what it was like to be alone with no safe place to stay. I had endured that same loneliness for decades after becoming a vampire. I had lost everything; my father, my home, my humanity. Everything.

But one thing I hadn't lost, was my faith. I had held onto it, desperately, although it had nearly slipped away time after time. It had been my only constant thing in this world.

"You do now," I said, reaching out to brush a lock of brown hair behind her ear. Bella lowered her gaze back to the floor, struggling to find words.

I started guiding her towards the door. "How was your first night as an immortal?" I asked conversationally. She smiled a bit, huffing under her breath.

"Interesting. There's so _much..._" she shook her head, once again trying to find words. "There's so many things that I have to pay attention to. I don't know how I can ever learn everything."

"We'll teach you," I soothed as we neared the staircase. "You see? It's not that difficult to even walk with a slow human pace."

"It's because you were here to set the pace," she noted. "If you had told me to go downstairs on my own, I would have probably ripped off the railings and broken the windows with my supersonic velocity," she grumbled.

I gave an amused laugh. "It'll get easier in time. Trust me."

Alice and Jasper were still downstairs in the living room. Alice held the cell phone in her hand, throwing it to me as we sat down with Bella. I noticed the latter shifting nervously. I glanced at her, offering her the chance to back out.

"If you want, we could wait a few days before calling," I said. Bella shook her head, apparently deciding there was no point postponing the call.

And so I dialed Rosalie's number as the three pairs of ears listened to every word.

_"Hello?"_

It was Emmett's low and rumbling voice. I felt a smile rising to my face when hearing it. Maybe I only imagined it, but I could swear that he sounded bored.

"Hello, Emmett. How are you?" I asked politely.

"_Bored!" _he almost yelled, confirming my earlier belief. "_This is the longest Christmas ever," _he grumbled, making Jasper laugh quietly. Rosalie's snarl echoed from the backround.

_"I can't help it if there's no mountain lions here. And you have banished all of the_ _hibernating__ bears with your rampaging," _she nagged_. "Hello, Carlisle,"_ she added, her tone turning more light.

"Hello, Rosalie," I answered, reaching out to touch Bella's shoulder. She had gone rigid after hearing Rosalie's voice.

Emmett spoke again. _"So, what's up with you guys? Did Alice tear down the house you bought? "_

Alice huffed. "Of course I didn't!"

Emmett laughed on the other end.

"Everything is well," I asnwered. "More than well, actually," I added, glancing at Bella. She was frozen beside me, her eyes reflecting pure panic. I glanced at Jasper. He seemed focused, doing everything he could to calm her down.

"I have some news I'd like to share," I began.

My words made Bella vault up from the couch. I reached out to grab her hand, pulling her back to sit down. For my surprise, she let me.

_"What news?" _Emmett asked, curious. He sounded like any tiny crumb of news was welcome. It must really be very boring in Siberia.

I took a deep breath, still holding Bella's arm. "It's a long story, actually," I began. "As you know, I moved to Vancouver a few weeks ago, and started to work at the local hospital."

Rosalie answered from the backround, sounding wary. _"Yes?"_

"I ran into someone familiar during my time there," I answered, not bothering to prolong the story. Bella twitched by my side again, almost trying to flee. I set my hand on her shoulder, trying to soothe her.

_"Who might that be?" _Emmett asked, almost excited.

I took another needless breath, glancing at the woman sitting next to me. Bella had closed her eyes, looking like she was on a verge of a panic attack.

"Bella Swan, actually," I answered.

At first it was very quiet.

Then Emmett guffawed loudly, sounding like he was choking. I thought it was a good sign. _"Really? Then what happened? Why was she in the hospital?"_ he bombarded. _"Did she try to walk and chew gum at the same time?"_

Bella's jaw dropped at his words, and she looked miffed. I suppressed a chuckle.

Rosalie was dead silent on the other end. I knew that the news would affect her differently than Emmett.

"I'd prefer if we could talk about this face to face. Maybe you should pay us a visit," I suggested.

_"Hell yeah!" _Emmett crowed. Then I heard him turning around. _"Babe?"_ he asked.

After a moment of silence Rosalie's voice was heard from the backround. _"We'll be there."_

Her tone was impalpable, impossible to interpret.

"Thank you. Have a safe journey," I wished. The line went dead.

Jasper and Alice looked both positive. Bella had herself almost under control again. Her eyes were fixed at the carpet, and she studied it like it was the most fascinating thing she had ever seen.

"Well," I sighed. "That went well."

Alice threw a concerned glance towards Bella. I gave her shoulder a squeeze. "It'll be fine, Bella," I soothed.

She nodded, the movement stiff and mechanical. She got up from the couch and walked over to the glass wall, fixing her eyes towards the grey sky.

"It'll probably take some time before they can book a flight during this time, because of the holidays," I pondered, glancing at Alice. Her eyes were slightly glassy as she searched the future.

"Tomorrow evening," she said after a moment. "That's fast. But only if the flight will be on time. They might have to fly in a storm if it's not, causing a delay," she informed.

Tomorrow.

I noticed Bella taking a deep breath, and then she walked over to the Christmas tree, drawing in the scent. I wondered if the aroma calmed her mind.

I couldn't help but thinking that maybe we were rushing things too much. Bella had endured many changes during the last twelve hours, and I worried if we were pushing her too hard.

I wondered what tomorrow would bring. I had made her a promise that it would all work out, and I wanted to believe in my own words, but suddenly found myself in doubt.

What if it didn't work out? What if Rosalie hadn't gotten over her resentment towards Bella? How would Bella take it? I knew she believed that Rosalie blamed her because of what happened to Edward and Esme.

Bella had suffered enough. She didn't need anyone turning against her, especially a person who was a memeber of the family.

_"Have faith, Carlisle,"_ my father would have said. But sometimes, having faith and believing was more challenging than the opposite. It was a lot easier to doubt and question everything. Because doubting and mistrust demanded no intrepidity.

Faith required more - it demanded bravery and putting you in a position that made you vulnerable. It made you ask questions from yourself, such as if it all was worth all the pain.

I wanted to believe it was.

So I clung to my belief, trying to trust whatever tomorrow would bring to us.

* * *

**A/N: **Hello all! As you have read, the next step has been made concerning the return of Rosalie and Emmett. I wonder how Rose will react when she sees Bella? Has she gotten over her jealosy towards Bella's humanity, and does she blame her because of what happened to Edward and Esme? Or has the time given her some perspective towards the matter?

Jasper's story in this chapter contains a lot of quotes and facts from the book Eclipse, written by the wonderful Stephenie Meyer.

Emmett's comment about 'chewing gum and walk at the same time' was from the movie Eclipse, owned by the Summit Entertainment. His comment still cracks me up every time.

Now when Bella is a vampire and she's on an equal footing with Carlisle and the others, you could say. Maybe this will allow the relationship between Carlisle and Bella develop easier. Deep deep deep down inside they know they care about each other - they just don't realise yet how much.

Bella is still an insecure mess sometimes, vampire or not - sometimes I don't like that I've made her self-esteem so low. But she's been through a lot through her life, so I guess we can grant her that. She just has to face and deal with her problems, and after that she can be stronger than ever before.

By the way, about Bella's self-control. I didn't want to make her totally crazy and out of control - but she still isn't as calm and composed as she was in the book Breaking Dawn. I adore Stephenie Meyer, she can be a genious - but I kind of wanted Bella to be a little more vampire, a little less human than in the book. I think she was a little too tame in Breaking Dawn, in my opinion. I've alreade written a chapter when she goes a little crazy - I won't say anymore than that so I won't spoil it :)

Okay now I shut up, finally. I hope you enjoy and tell me what you think so far!


	31. Chapter 31: Solitude

**Stephenie Meyer owns Twilight :)**

* * *

**A/N:**

Thank you so much for your reviews! They totally make my day, and I draw strength from the knowledge that someone out there is enjoying my little story.

I've been going through the earlier chapters, correcting mistakes in the grammar I haven't spotted before. It's amazing how easily you can see the mistakes when you haven't read the text in a long time - I guess you sort of become blind to the mistakes after reading the same thing over and over again.

One of my wonderful readers asked if there's ever going to be any love and romance between Bella and Carlisle - and the answer is yes. There will be, and that moment isn't so far away anymore. Some of you may feel frustrated that I'm taking things so slow - I certainly am frustrated with myself. But hang in tight, those two can be very stubborn, but eventually they can't deny the fact how attracted they are to each other.

I hope you enjoy the chapter, and let me know what you think!

* * *

**_She looks up with saddened eyes_**

**_To catch a lonely stare_**

**_The lost girl in the mirror sighs_**

**_And brushes back her hair_**

**_For just a brief few moments_**

**_She smiles a secret smile_**

**_Her finger reaches out to trace_**

**_I love you, on the tile_**

- D.L. Whited -

* * *

**Solitude**

So brittle.

The wooden banister was smooth and hard under my palms. But I didn't let the illusion of hardness fool me - if I squeezed too hard the material would shatter, and I didn't want Alice to start lecturing me. I would never hear the end of it.

So I let my hand fall from the sleek surface and took a step forward, climbing up the rest of the stairs. My eyes sweeped the floor and the walls, my vision focusing on the creases and streakes of the fine dark wood. The hallway seemed like a foreign planet to me - everywhere I looked, I saw something new I hadn't seen before. Would I ever get used to this sharp and accurate eyesight?

I let my gaze rest on the wooden cross that hung on the wall before making my way to the heavy door. I listened carefully the sound of the ballpoint pen scraping against the paper - I wondered what Carlisle was writing. I didn't want to bother him if he had something more important to do.

I found myself a little bored at the moment. The day had passed comfortably after Carlisle's phone call to Rosalie and Emmett. After a moment of tenseness I had been able to relax, and even believe that maybe Rosalie wouldn't rip my head off when she saw me tomorrow. Maybe.

After Alice had forced me to come and give a review of a pile of clothes - not that she would listen to my advise what came to fashion, because apparently I had a bad taste - she had taken off with Jasper, and they had ran together into the darkening evening. I understood why they had to ditch me and not take me with them; I knew they wanted Carlisle to be present if I went out hunting. I didn't have enough experience to go off on my own without supervising.

Which is why I found myself on top of the stairs, staring at the wooden cross and wondering to fill my time. I took a soundless step closer to the door, hesitating.

"Come in," Carlisle called, the sound of the writing ceasing.

I reached out to turn the door knob, holding my breath tensely and trying to keep in mind how fragile the door was under my grip. I cheered inwardly when I managed to step inside without breaking anything.

Carlisle was sitting behind his desk, a pile of papers scattered in front of him. I knew he had to go back to the hospital tomorrow, and this was his last free night to catch up with the paperwork. He gave me a brilliant smile as I entered.

"I can come back later," I offered, not wanting to disturb him. "I'm sorry, I didn't want to bother you." I turned around, but Carlisle stopped me before I could take a step.

"It's no bother, Bella. Take a seat, I'll finish these in a couple of minutes," he said, his voice incredibly pleasant. "Go ahead and see if you find anything interesting to read," he continued, starting to write again. Papers swished and rustled as he wrote very quickly.

I glanced at the bookshelves, trying to keep myself from drooling. I almost took his advice and plucked a book from the shelf - holy crow he had a lot of books - but then I resisted the urge, remembering how old some of them were. I didn't want to break his precious literature.

So I just sat down onto the couch in front of the window, looking outside into the evening. Even if it was getting dark, I could see perfectly clearly - it was almost as if the colours only changed, not the lighting.

"Alice and Jasper went outside?" Carlisle asked, not lifting his eyes from the papers as he scribbled.

"Yeah. Jasper wanted to hunt," I said, trying to keep the dullness from my tone.

Carlisle chuckled, and the papers rustled again. "I'll take you later if you want," he offered. "I'm sure it's not nice to be locked in the house all the time. How's you thirst?"

The blazing fire threshed my throat after hearing his words, making me swallow. "It's fine," I lied.

The red candle on the windowsill was burning again. I fiddled with the hot wax with my fingers, observing the way it solidified when my cold skin touched it. Although I didn't feel like I had cold skin. Everything just felt much warmer against me.

Had it been only a few days when I had sat on this couch and asked Carlisle to read for me, staring at this same candle?

Carlisle shook me from my reverie when he collected the papers in a neat pile. Then he got up, and packed them in a black briefcase. I followed his movements intently - they seemed slow and calculated to my eyes. Doing things in human pace seemed so natural for him.

He noticed my intense gaze as he set the briefcase on top of the desk, walking over to me. The couch dipped as he sat down. He frowned a bit, searching my eyes.

I scraped the wax from my fingers, bending my legs underneath me.

"Is something wrong?" Carlisle asked. I glanced up at him, quirking my brow.

"Not really, no." I would have to start practising more facial expressions if he thought that I was upset. I wondered how I had looked a moment ago.

"You didn't take a book," he pointed out quietly.

Now I realised why he thought something was wrong - apparently it was a sign for him to get worried if I payed no attention to books when I had the chance.

"Oh," I mumbled. "No, it's just that I don't want to break anything. I can take Alice's whining if I accidentally wrench a door from its hinges instead of just opening it, but if I destroy your book..." I let my words hang in the air.

Carlisle chuckled. "I wouldn't be mad."

Of course he wouldn't. He was too perfect to get mad. "I know that. But if I respect something in this world, it's the old literature. It can't be replaced," I insisted.

Carlisle got up from the couch, grabbing a handful of pencils and a notebook from the desk. I watched him, curious and confused.

"Here," he said and offered me one of the pencils along with the notebook. He sat down again, giving me a pointed look.

I frowned, looking confusedly at the things he had brought to me.

"Let's practise some self-control," he explained. "Or strength-control, more likely. Write down your name," he instructed.

It was surprisingly difficult. When the tip of the pencil touched the paper, the carbon crumbled, messing the white surface. I took a few seconds to stare at the black smear.

This wasn't nice.

Carlisle snatched the pencil away from my hand, replacing it with another. He was obviously enjoying himself, judging from the way he bit his lip to suppress smile.

"Go again," he urged when I had glared him for a few moments.

I almost managed to write down the letter 'B' until I found out that instead of a one whole pencil, I had now two. The stupid thing had broken in half.

A growl ripped through my throat. Then I sighed, pushing the notebook and the pieces of the pencil back to Carlisle.

"Forget it," I repined.

"Don't give up," he prompted. The notebook was tossed back into my lap, and warm fingers tucked the third pencil into my grasp. "I know it's difficult," he pacified. I sighed.

Two more pencils later, I had managed to write down my first name. "I can't believe I have to learn how to write again," I chuckled, now able to laugh a bit at myself. "Are you sure it won't be always this difficult?" I asked.

Carlisle shook his head. "After a few months your physical strength will lessen. But it does take some focusing not to use too much force even after that."

"How do you do it?" I asked, amazed. "I mean, you're working with living people most of the time."

Carlisle flashed me a brilliant smile. "Centuries of practise," he answered, reminding me of that one conversation we'd had years ago when he had been stitching up my arm.

I informed that I was done for today, and took the notebook back to his desk along with the pencil. A rattling sound filled the room when Carlisle dropped the pencils I had broken into the trashcan.

He held onto the promise he had given me earlier, and started to lead me downstairs. It would feel good to get outside and blow off some steam.

It was now almost completely dark outside, and the scenery was colored with different tones of blue and purple. I stopped to look around me, admiring the mountains and forest surrounding the house.

"How much wildlife there is in here?" I asked as we headed into the forest. We were running very fast, and I felt like I should be panting and chuffing. But running was easy and effortless, and ducking the branches and jumping over the rocks even easier. I didn't need to stop to catch my breath, or even to listen. The forest around me was alive, and I heard every single fluttering heartbeat calling to me.

"Moose, deer, a few wolves," Carlisle answered. "Occasionally mountain lions and even a few bears. We'll head somewhere more far away from time to time, so that the animal population wouldn't diminish."

The smell of orange and mimosa was carried into my nostrils, making me stop and sniff the air. Carlisle stopped a few paces ahead of me, turning to look at me expectantly. The wind brought more aromas - linen, amber, musk, pear...

"Alice and Jasper?" I guessed, almost able to specify their scents.

Carlisle nodded approvingly. "You're learning fast," he praised. I felt like I should be blushing, and I lowered my gaze to the white ground sheepishly.

We couldn't find anything suitable in the forest, so we continued higher up in the mountains. The scenery was amazing and made me gasp in wonder, and I stopped to savor the beauty around me.

I spinned around like whirlgig, not able to decide if I wanted to look at the forest down below, or the dark sea in the south-west. There was so much to see. "Wow," I breathed. Suddenly a peculiar sound reached my ears. A high-pitched whooshing combined with a thundering rumble, and I searched for the cause of that sound.

High up in the air, I saw a flashing light and a silhouette of an airplane through the veil of clouds.

Carlisle tried to restrain his amusement as he saw me getting thrilled about the most ordinary things. I turned to glance at him, and saw him wearing a small smile, his golden eyes following my actions intently.

I allowed myself a moment to drown in his eyes until a specific sound demanded my attention, making the flames in my throat rave. My mouth felt like sandpaper. It took all I had not to rush down the slope after the sound. I drew in a deep breath to get a better picture - this aroma was a little better than the moose had had yesterday. I heard several hearts beating - smaller hearts - and the way the wet thick blood was coursing in their veins...

I had crouched down even without realising I had done so, the snow feeling cool against my fingers as they brushed the ground.

Carlisle had hunkered down beside me. "How many are there?" he quizzed with a low voice.

I frowned, closing my eyes to listen. It was difficult to focus with the fire blazing my throat. "Two or three?" I whispered. "Deer?"

"Four," Carlisle corrected. "Probably young bucks. Be cautious, they have a very good hearing."

I started sneaking down the slope, oblivious to how slippery it was. But I had left behind my clumsiness - it felt like another lifetime entirely. My movements were quick and soundless, and utmost limber.

The biggest buck never knew what hit it. I heard the other three galloping away, their small hooves digging into the snow as they escaped the predator. Then it was over before it even started. I devoured every drop, making the thirst lessen a bit. The blood tasted... earthy. It wasn't repellent, but it wasn't appetizing, either.

I started to roam back to Carlisle - it surprised me how far I had gone. After a few moments, I spotted him leaning casually against a stunted pine.

"How did I do?" I asked.

He pushed away from the tree, walking towards me with a small smile on his face. "Quite well," he answered, the gold in his eyes twinkling. He reached out with his hand, wiping his warm fingers against the side of my mouth.

There was a drop or two of fresh blood on the tips of his fingers. I hastily wiped my chin with my sleeves, wondering how messy I looked.

"Did I get it all out?" I asked, suddenly hoping I had a mirror. At least my sleeves were clean - that meant I couldn't have that much blood on my face.

Carlise looked suddenly self-conscious. "Just a bit..." He reached out with his hand again, smiling sheepishly.

His finger touched my lower lip, making it tickle. Tingle.

I was tingling. Not just my lip, but all over. A slight shiver of pleasure rippled through my spine at his touch.

My gaze was locked into his darkening eyes, and I suddenly felt out of breath. His fingers left my lip, his palm molding against my cheek, traveling towards my ear, down my neck...

I expected my heart to go wild, but it didn't. It was very quiet.

I swallowed, and Carlisle took a step back. "I think I got it all out," he whispered, a smile making his lips quirk.

I stood there like an idiot with my mouth slightly open, unable to move.

"Uh-huh," I breathed after a moment, wanting to kick myself for not figuring out anything more intelligent to say. What was wrong with me?

_Wrong, wrong_, I chanted in my mind as I let my gaze sweep his eyes once again.

The stillness broke when a wolf howled a few miles away. The sound was eerie and creepy, and it made me jump a bit. I laughed quietly at myself for being so skittish.

"Let's head home," Carlisle suggested, his voice calm and smooth as always. He started to lead me towards the direction of the house, setting his hand on my shoulder.

"Won't I see you hunt?" I asked, suddenly curious how the hunting looked from the observer's perspective.

"Not tonight," Carlisle said, smiling. "I'm not very thirsty yet."

"How long will it take for you to get thirsty?" I asked, curious. I knew Carlisle's self-control was exceedingly good, and there was never a moment when he wouldn't be in full control of himself, even if he hadn't hunted. But even when the scent of human blood didn't affect him, did he feel the thirst like the rest of us?

"Probably a few weeks," Carlisle answered, pondering. "We usually hunt at least once in a week or two, but I can go even longer until the thirst gets too uncomfortable."

That did make sense - and I was sure that the people in the hospital would wonder the changing colour of his eyes if he didn't hunt regularly enough.

"If you don't mind me asking..." I began, hesitating. There was so much to ask.

"You can ask anything, Bella. You know that," Carlisle said, giving my shoulder a squeeze.

I gave him a grateful smile. "Do you feel the thirst like the others? Even when the blood doesn't affect you..." I licked my lips, thinking about how to form my question.

"I do feel the thirst," Carlisle answered. "If I go on too long without feeding, it can get quite irritating. But let's say that I have to participate in a surgery where I'm surrounded by the scent of blood for hours. Even if I hadn't hunted for weeks, I wouldn't lose control." His words weren't a self-praise - they were humble and modest. His tone was pondering, reminding me of a scientist speculating on an experiment.

"That's amazing," I said, the intensity of his discipline difficult for me to comprehend. I had never smelled the scent of human blood, and quite frankly I was dreading the moment I would. "So, do you feel anything now? Is your throat prickling or anything?" I worried that my flood of questions would make him exasperated, but it didn't.

"There's always a small prickling, like a reminder of what we are. But it's easy to ignore once you learn it," Carlisle answered, smiling soothingly.

I looked at his eyes - they were still golden amber. I inquired how long it would take before eyes changed color, and when was the last time he had hunted.

"If we go about two weeks without hunting, our eyes will turn darker, almost black," Carlisle answered, and he suddenly frowned. I almost asked him what was wrong, but then he answered my second question. "My eyes are still light color because the last time I hunted wasn't that long ago. It was the night when you almost..."

He didn't have to finish his sentence.

"Do you remember what happened?" he suddenly asked. "That night? I keep thinking if there was something I could have done to prevent you from getting so unwell."

I tried to remember - my human memories were very hazy and foggy. "I remember going to sleep, feeling suddenly very tired," I explained, racking my brain to remember. "Alice wanted me to eat something but I didn't want to. I woke up some time later, not knowing how much time had passed."

I remembered how the room had looked like in the silvery moonlight. "I was suddenly very hot. I remember going to the bathroom and washing my face. And then I think I realised that something was wrong at that point. My heart was racing and my ears were ringing..." I shook my head. The memories were blurry. "I remember Alice calling out my name... That's about it." I turned to Carlisle. He looked very somber and regretful, still beating himself up for leaving me that night.

"It was bound to happen at some point, Carlisle. I knew all along that I wouldn't have much time left," I assured. "There was nothing you could have done, in any case."

Carlisle's jaw clenched at my words.

"Did you want to die?"

His whisper was quiet, his tone surprisingly distant and calm. It made me wince.

Had I wanted to die?

I didn't know, quite frankly. For the past few months since I had learned about the leukemia, I had been waiting. Waiting, preparing, reckoning. Almost looking forward to it.

Not even almost. I _had_ looked forward to it. I had craved for that peace when I would be oblivious of everything. When I wouldn't have to care about anyone, and I wouldn't have to mourn for those who I had loved. I wouldn't have to make an effort to forget, forget about those who were gone, never coming back.

I had wanted that - that painless, numb emptiness to claim me. I hadn't wanted to exist. Because I hadn't had a reason to exist anymore. The reasons for my existence were all gone. But my pain would never be.

I had wanted it. I had craved for that peace when the demise would come and take me.

That had been my state of mind when Carlisle had stepped into my room that one night, weeks ago. I hadn't expected his presence to change anything. He couldn't have stopped what was happening to me, after all. I had thought that he had sticked around because he felt like he was responsible of me, that he felt guilty for what had happened all those years ago. But then he had offered to save me, to make me an immortal so I wouldn't have to die.

It had angered and confused me - why would he be so willing to devote his time for me? An eternity was a long time to tolerate someone.

Unless he had really wanted me to stay alive. And I had dared to hope - maybe he really cared about me that much. Much enough to keep me alive.

"Bella?"

I glanced at Carlisle, realising I had been quiet for a very long time. I hoped he hadn't taken my silence in a wrong way.

"I don't know," I answered truthfully. "I mean..." I drew in a breath to get time to think. I didn't want him to misunderstand, and start beating himself up for everything. "I had been prepared to die for a long time," I stated, stopping my walking and locking my gaze with his.

Carlisle stopped also, and I could see that my words hurt him, even though he tried not to show it.

"I had nothing left," I continued quietly, lowering my gaze to the ground. I had to make him understand. "No one. I had accepted the fact that I wouldn't have much time to live. It was easy to accept it."

Carlisle listented quietly, and I could feel his gaze boring into me. I fixed my eyes on his knees, studying the dark fabric of his jeans.

"Then you showed up," I breathed, lifting my gaze. I didn't look him in the eye, only stared over his shoulder. "At first I didn't think it would change anything." It horrified me to talk so honestly, without hiding. But I needed him to know, so that it would give him a peace of mind.

"Why not?" Carlisle asked quietly.

I chewed my lip; the soft granite felt odd against my teeth. "Because - because I thought you stayed only out of guilt. I didn't believe it was anything more than that."

I heard him inhaling deeply. "You didn't believe, or... you didn't let yourself believe?" he asked.

I shrugged, knowing very well he had a point. "But then you offered to change me. And I couldn't understand why. It was like..." I laughed, sounding ridiculous. "Like you really cared." My tone was confused and disbelieving. "And it wasn't that easy to answer. I mean, these past few years has felt like a lifetime for me. And I felt relief that I wouldn't have to endure that crap for long anymore. My mind was set to that one thought; that it all would be over soon. And suddenly you offered me an alternative," I pattered, almost wanting to bite my tongue off for telling him that much. I didn't feel comfortable about sharing my thoughts with anyone. It was my only defense against the world; to keep my feelings and thoughts to myself.

I finally dared to look him in the eye.

Carlisle wore an expression that reflected both understanding and sorrow. He frowned a bit, giving me a slight nod.

"I understand that it was confusing for you," he said quietly. "And I'm going to say again, that when I offered to change you, I didn't do it out of pity. I did it because I care, Bella," he whispered.

I reached out to tug the sleeve of his sweater gently, not allowing myself any distinctive physical touch.

"And I thank you for that," I said quietly, my fingers nipping the soft fabric. "For everything you've done for me." I stared at his collar, wanting to say so much more. My words were null.

Carlisle pried my fingers away from his sleeve, clasping my hand in his own. The contact felt strange and familiar - I still expected his hand to be cold. But it was comfortable and safe, and my hand fit in his perfectly.

I would have an eternity ahead of me. Endless days and nights - the concept was so incomprehensible that it had difficulty sinking in.

Would I have chosen this over dying? If I'd had the chance to voice my decision?

I didn't know.

But I wasn't feeling wrathful or resentful towards Carlisle for changing me. That counted for something, didn't it?

My feelings were like an inextricable knot, a pile of mess. Before I could solve the knot, I'd have to find the head of the string. Easier said than done.

Why was this all so confusing?

Carlisle gave my hand a squeeze. "What are you thinking?" he asked, his voice like nectar.

I looked at out linked hands, lifting my gaze to his light amber eyes. "Life," I answered. "How mysterious it sometimes is. Enigmatic. And confusing." I gave his hand a slight yank as I took a step forward. I had been able to control my strength for once - at least Carlisle didn't fall on his face in the snow as I tugged his hand.

He fell in step beside me, our pace calm and slow. The lights of the house twinkled trought the ferns.

"That describes life quite well," Carlisle agreed, amusement in his tone.

The house looked calling and warm as we reached the tree line of the forest. Almost all the lights were on, and I could hear Alice's happy babbling as she waffled on about something to Jasper.

The sight was as familiar and warm as the marble hand molding against my own.

* * *

I watched the way Carlisle's tapered fingers straightened the pale blue tie around his neck.

"My library is at your disposal," he informed as he grabbed his black briefcase, flashing me a smile. "If you manage to escape from Alice and her wardrobe, that is," he chuckled.

"Thanks," I murmured. "I hope you have a nice day," I said, wondering how long the hours would be with Carlisle gone.

"Thank you, Bella," he answered, shrugging his black coat on. With his pale blue shirt and tie along with the dark blue slacks, he looked exactly the same than years ago when I had seen him for the first time in the emergency room. He hadn't changed a bit.

Alice appeared from the kitchen along with Jasper. She rose on her toes to give a quick peck on Carlisle's cheek. "Have a good day," she twittered.

Carlisle smiled and nodded, turning around to open the door. He lifted his hand to give me a wave. I lifted mine as a farewell.

It was strange to see him go, even only for a few hours.

I whizzed across the hallway into the kitchen, sticking my nose to the window, seeing Carlisle walking to his black Mercedes in front of the house.

"Come on Bella," Alice quipped. "It's not like he's leaving to cross the ocean or anything," she teased, making Jasper snicker. Carlisle heard the words, turning around before getting in the car. He wore an incredulous smile as he gazed at me.

"Shut up Alice," I growled, suddenly hoping to be invisible.

I watched while Carlisle started the car and turned it around, heading towards the road. Then I turned around with a sigh, wondering how to fill my time.

The permission to read his books intrigued and tempted me, but I was still worried about my lack of control when it came to using strength. I didn't want to break anything, even if he had told me that he wouldn't mind.

My flying steps took me upstairs before Alice would notice with her radar that I had nothing to do. The thought of folding clothes or putting them on a hangar horrified me, and so I hid myself into Carlisle's study.

The room had a wonderful smell I had noticed even as a human. It was a combination of leather, paper, ink, dust and wood. Carlisle's own scent lingered among them, though not as strongly as it would if he were in the room.

I let my fingers trail over the spines of the books, wondering which one I would read first once I had learned to control my strength. It was a difficult decision. There were so many of them!

I stood there, frustrated. I could swear that the books were staring at me and laughing. It was like a torment of Tantalus from the Greek mythology; whenever Tantalus bent down to drink, the water receded before he could taste it. Eternal temptation.

I let out a frustrated huff, turning away from the towering shelves, and studied the familiar huge painting on the other wall. It caused me to remember the story Jasper had told me earlier.

The figures on the painting were like gods. Nighttime patrons of the arts, that's what Edward had once said.

I felt a brush of wind on my skin as someone opened the door, and jumped beside me.

"What are you sulking here for?" Alice teased, giving me a nudge.

"Nothing," I chuckled. "Just thinking."

Alice saw the painting that had caught my interest.

"Have you ever met them?" I asked.

"The Volturi?" Alice twittered. "No. Carlisle knows them the best. He lived with them for a few decades before changing Edward. The Volturi were fascinated by Carlisle, and vice versa."

I nodded, remembering.

"You were gone for a long time," Alice said suddenly, catching me off guard.

"What?" I frowned, not knowing what she talked about.

"You and Carlisle. In the forest, last night," Alice noted, a small smile making her pink lips quirk.

"Yeah, I guess." I tore my gaze away from the painting, letting my eyes sweep the books again. "We were talking, and lost the track of time I guess," I explained.

"Is everything okay?" Alice's voice was a mix of worry and curiousness.

I turned to her, suddenly very grateful for her presence. She was a good friend. "Yeah, I guess." I nodded, biting my lip. "I think Carlisle's still feeling a bit guilty for what happened," I explained.

Alice nodded and frowned. "That he changed you? Without your actual permission?" she verified. I nodded, drawing a quick sigh from her.

"Sometimes he's a real martyr. You both share that same trait," Alice chuckled as she poked me playfully. I knew she was partly serious, but before I had the chance to argue, she started talking again.

"It's not like he could have let you die," she stated. "When I saw Carlisle's face after he saw you on that night, I knew it was now or never. And he knew it too," Alice said, going through her memories. "And it terrified him to make that decision in your place. He hesitated only for a moment, and it almost cost you your life. And his sanity," Alice said quietly, her golden eyes full of sorrow from the memory.

"I've never seen him like that," she continues. "The closest was the time in Alaska after..." her words trailed off. She shook her head, attempting to lighten her tone. "He'll get over his guilt in time. Rosalie probably traumatized him when he changed her," she muttered, probably more to herself than me.

"Did she really despise this life so much?" I asked. Rosalie was a complete puzzle to me.

"At first," Alice answered. "And in a way, she still... longs to be different," she continued, her tone cautious and a bit mysterious.

"Different?" I frowned again, not able to understand. I had never been able to understand Rosalie; from the beginning she hadn't liked me, and I always assumed that one of the reasons was that I had infiltrated into their secret lives. Edward had once told me she wanted to be human, like I had been.

But from where I stood, she seemed to have everything - a loving family and a husband who loved her. Not to mention how beautiful she was. My human memories of her were foggy, but I could very well remember how she lighted up the entire room with her presence, making the other women and girls shrink. What else could she yearn for?

"Rosalie will tell you some day, and you'll understand her better," Alice promised, looking a bit uncomfortable, but her voice confident.

I hadn't forgotten that Rosalie and Emmett would arrive this evening - the jolly renunion was only hours away. I tried not to think about it too much, because it made me nervous.

I walked past Alice, lost in my thoughts. My feet took me to my room, and I heard Alice following.

"Why do you think that she'll even agree to be in the same room with me?" The question escaped from my lips before I could stop it. I sat down on the couch, Alice jumping to sit next to me.

"Well, she did agree to come here with Emmett," Alice pointed out.

"But she doesn't know that I'll be here. She only knows that Carlisle bumped into me in a hospital," I debated, replaying their phone conversation in my head.

"Bella, it'll work out. Trust me. I see the future, after all," Alice insisted smugly.

I sighed. "She won't accept me," I pressed. "She hates me now even more than before."

"Bella, I know why you see it that way. Rosalie was very close to Esme, and also to Edward even if they always didn't see eye to eye. But she won't be completely unfair towards you. It may take some time until you understand each other better," Alice reassured. "What makes you so sure that she won't accept you?"

"What makes you so sure that she won't rip my head off?" I shot back.

Alice tapped her head with her small finger. "Because I know things," she smirked.

Arguing was pointless, but so were her efforts to try and reassure me. I wasted hours with fidgeting and being restless, and at the same time trying to stay away from Jasper - I didn't want him so start worrying, and I also wanted to spare him from feeling the same way I was feeling.

The sky was darkening, and the clouds were changing colors, informing me that I didn't have very much peaceful time left before the arrival of the rest of the Cullen family. Alice and Jasper had left for a quick hunt, and they had offered me the chance to go with them - Carlisle had given his consent about me going into the forest as long as I wouldn't be alone. But I wasn't in the mood to go with them and try to pretend that I was looking forward to this night.

I ignored my burning thirst that woke up every time I thought of hunting, and settled myself better on the second floor's balcony where I had been sulking for the most of the afternoon. The gaps between the metal railings were big enough so I could sit on the edge of the platform, and push my legs through the gaps, swinging my legs in the air.

I felt pleased once again for not being a human anymore. If I had been my normal clumsy self, I surely would have found a way to fling myself over the edge, or hang myself with the collar of my sweater or something.

The sound of the car engine roared somewhere far away, and I recognized it immeadiately.

Carlisle was coming home.

A bubbly laughter mingled with the burring of the engine - the sound came from a different direction. Something heavy thudded against the ground, and I heard Alice giggling once again, apparently having a snow wrestle with Jasper. I wondered who had won.

Maybe there was no winners between those two. That's what love was about, right? No winning, no losing. Being equals.

I didn't know why the thought made me feel sad.

The car was coming closer, the sound more evident now. The balcony I was sitting on was on the other side of the house, displaying the forest and mountains so I couldn't see the car, but I heard it pulling in front of the house on the other side.

Alice and Jasper called out their greetings, and I heard Carlisle answering. Three pairs of steps neared the front door as the group chatted casually. I wondered if I should have been downstairs welcoming Carlisle home - was he expecting that from me?

The door opened and closed downstairs. I shrugged to myself, leaning my cheek against the metal railing. I fixed my eyes towards the white forest, trying to keep my nerves in control.

I recognized Carlisle's familiar steps as he went to the fourth floor. Fabric rustled against the marble skin, and I guessed that he was changing his clothes.

Suddenly I felt like I was intruding. Hearing Carlisle changing his clothes seemed like I was listening to something I wasn't supposed to listen. But I couldn't help hearing - what was I supposed to do, block my ears?

The mental images of him without clothes didn't help my abashment. I slammed my temple against the metal railing to get my imagination under control.

What the hell was wrong with me?

Water started running upstairs as I heard him washing his hands. Two minutes passed, and then I heard him coming down the stairs with slow steps.

Someone entered the room behind me, and I heard when something was lowered on the only table in the corner of the room. Most of the second floor was covered in couches and armchairs, because Alice had turned the floor into a huge lounge.

The glass door opened behind me, and I didn't need to see who had come to draw me away from my hiding place.

Carlisle came to lean against the railing two feets away from me, fully clothed. Damn.

I earned another mental kick from myself.

He was wearing a pair of jeans and a cream-colored sweater. He glanced at me, meeting my gaze. "Hey," he greeted.

"Hey. How was your day?" I asked politely.

"It was good, thank you," he answered with a small smile. "And yours?" he queried, narrowing his eyes a bit.

"Well, I didn't save any lives as I'm sure you did," I teased. "But otherwise it's been a nice day," I lied, wondering how much my skills to tell tales had enhanced during my transformation.

Apparently they hadn't, because Carlisle squinted his eyes again disbelievingly. I turned my gaze back to the forest.

The evening was rather beautiful. Every evening was so beautiful in this place.

"Are you trying to make the mountains disappear with your mind?" Carlisle asked with his husky voice, chuckling quietly. I remembered our earlier speculation about if I had received any superskills during my transformation.

"No," I remarked. "It's just so beautiful and calming out here."

It wasn't difficult for Carlisle to figure out why I craved the calmness. "Are you nervous about Rose and Emmett?" he queried.

I snorted quietly. "A bit."

A lot, actually. But I wouldn't let him know that.

I expected him to start reassuring me, and attempting to try to convince me that there was nothing to worry about. But he just nodded. "It's understandable," he accepted, not pressing the matter anymore for my great relief.

I squeezed the metal bars in my fists, being careful not to cause any dents. Then I tugged my legs from the gaps, pushing myself upwards.

The balcony was covered in snow and so was I. It had snowed a bit an hour ago, and now I had to start to swipe the flakes from my hair and from the tip of my nose - it was weird that my skin couldn't melt it.

The snow clung to my jeans because I had been sitting down for so long. Carlisle, ever the gentleman, came to help me, dusting my shoulders and clothes from the white flakes. The air was soon filled with sound of clapping and patting as we attempted to clean my clothes. Alice wouldn't appreciate if the snow melted on the couch.

Carlisle's warm hand brushed accidentally my rear, making me suddenly stiffen with self-consciousness. But at the same time I had an urge to let out a giggle.

Alarming.

"Sorry," Carlisle chuckled quietly, looking sheepish. I cleared my throat, avoiding his gaze.

After getting rid of the snow we went inside. Carlisle took a black cotton bag from the table, holding it out for me. "I brought you something from the hospital," he announced.

I took the bag, glancing inside.

"Oh!"

Most of my books I had brought into the hospital with me were on the bottom of the bag. The gesture was small, but it made me feel touched. "Thank you," I breathed, glancing up at him. Carlisle shrugged, looking pleased that he had managed to cheer me up.

"Nurse Owens offered to pack the rest of your things before someone else was situated into you room," he informed. "She told me to give you her greetings. And that she wishes all the best for you."

I swallowed, shaken by the sudden rush of feelings. "She's very sweet," I whispered quietly. Carlisle reached out with his hand to squeeze my shoulder.

The nurses in the hospital had been wonderful to me, even if I hadn't been very willing to be wonderful to them. Most of the time in the hospital I had been very sullen and withdrawn. But I did appreciate their efforts - all of them were in their right jobs. And now I had to leave them under the impression that I would die alone somewhere from the illness I had been fighting against for months. Or not even fighting - I had given in to it. I had co-existed with it.

I shook my head to clear my mind, fishing one of the books from the bag and twiddling it with my fingers. "Well, now I have something to read, and I don't have to fear breaking it because it's mine," I declared in attempt to lighten the mood. Carlisle snorted softly.

"I didn't mean it as an allusion," he chuckled. "I really don't mind if you read my books, even if there is a chance you might break them. They are no good just sitting on the shelves and collecting dust."

"Mmmh-mm." I stared at the old copy of one of my favorites, wondering when was the last time I had read it.

The rest of my books I had chosen to take with me from Forks were still in my apartment. I wondered if I should call the lessor and tell her to give the place to someone else. I was sure Alice would be glad to go and pack my things because I wasn't in no condition to be released near people. It wouldn't take long for her to gather my stuff - there wasn't much of it, and the furniture belonged to the owner of that apartment.

For years and months I had lived like that, my whole property fitting into one duffelbag. I had never stayed in one place for long, and I had been always on the move. I wondered if I would miss that restless life. I refused to think about the reason behind my nomad lifestyle - I was a nervous wreck already.

My fingers squeezed the book in my hand, and suddenly I realised that Carlisle was observing me.

I attempted to arrange an expression on my face that was hopefully serene. But it only made him frown.

I thought of his words he had said to me hours ago - that this was my home now. It didn't feel like home yet. It felt familiar and safe, but not quite home. Maybe I still tried not to form any emotional connection to the place in the fear of having to leave someday.

Leaving and losing. Life was all about that, wasn't it?

I thanked Carlisle again for bringing the books to me, and then I made my way two floors upwards, arranging the books on the small shelf in my room. I felt a brush of wind against my neck as Carlisle followed me.

"You are quiet," he whispered after a moment. "What is on your mind? Besides Rosalie and Emmet," he queried.

"Nothing important, really," I answered, kicking myself for making him worry again. I would have to start practising a fake smile in front of the mirror.

"Jasper said you refused to go hunting with them earlier," he continued. "Aren't you thirsty?"

Flames whipped my throat after hearing his words. "I am," I admitted. "But I just felt like being alone for a while."

"We have been crowding you a bit too much. I apologize," Carlisle murmured, his low tenor floating inside the quiet room.

"No, it's fine. I don't mind the company," I explained. "I've just got a lot of things in my mind. And I don't want to seem like I'm moping or anything."

"I see. But you do have the right to mope if you wish," he chuckled. "And you don't have to do so in secret," he announced, a tinge of amusement in his tone. But his expression was solemn, almost worried.

"Good to know," I laughed, trying to reassure him. I poked at his arm playfully, but gently enough so it wouldn't cause him any pain. "For future reference."

Carlisle left after a moment, and I heard the door of his study closing. Soon the sound of the briefcase lock clicking open could be heard, and the papers started to rustle on the other side of the wall.

I organized the tiny collection of books again, alphabetically this time to find something to do. It took only a few seconds - there weren't nearly enough of them, only under a dozen. I sighed and walked over to the large window.

My vision focused on the insignificantly tiny marks and spots on the surface of the glass. I ignored them as I watched the darkening evening. Alice hummed downstairs quietly, her thrilling voice reverberating in the living room as she fluffed up the pillows and arranged the decorations of the Christmas tree. I heard her light steps on the carpet as she passed the couch, and suddenly she bursted into a fit of giggles - I guessed that Jasper had grabbed her and pulled her in his embrace. Soon the whispers of quiet kisses filled the room.

I stopped listening.

I tried not to feel lonely - I wasn't alone after all. But at the same time I felt like I had never been this alone in my entire life. Maybe the knowledge of the fact that I would live forever was getting to me.

Eternity. It was a lonely word. And it was a long time having to be alone.

I closed my eyes, focusing on the sound of the pen scrabbling against the paper on the other side of the wall. A silent sigh resounded in the silent room.

Was he lonely, too? Was he suffering from the same solitude?

I opened my eyes and looked outside into the night.

But being alone was surely better than the alternative, wasn't it? If you kept your heart to youself, you wouldn't risk losing it to someone or breaking it. And you didn't have to take the risk and give someone a chance - a permission - to break it.

Loneliness was a safe bet.

And all I could do at the moment, was to cling to that safety.

* * *

**A/N:** Sorry, no Rosalie and Emmett yet. Originally they were supposed to be in this chapter, but I ended up postponing the reunion to the next chapter. Please don't stone me, pretty please.

The next chapter is nearly done, and I'll post it in a few days. Enjoy :)


	32. Chapter 32: Rivals

**Stephenie Meyer owns Twilight :)**

**AN:  
**A late birthday present to **Bookloverstar **:) I hope you continue to enjoy my story!

* * *

_**The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not be in want. **_

_**He makes me lie down in green pastures, he leads me beside quiet waters, **_

_**he restores my soul. **_

_**He guides me in paths of righteousness for his name's sake. **_

_**Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, **_

_**I will fear no evil, for you are with me; **_

_**your rod and your staff, they comfort me.**_

_** You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies. **_

_**You anoint my head with oil; my cup overflows. **_

_**Surely goodness and love will follow me all the days of my life,**_

_** and I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever.**_

- Psalm 23, The Holy Bible -

* * *

**Rivals**

Jasper lifted his golden eyes from the newspaper he was reading, his expression reflecting concern and caution as he studied Bella's lean form.

She had been restless over the entire evening, pacing on the hallway back and forth, the troubled movement never ceasing. Alice had remarked that her steps would eat up a hole to the floor. I wasn't sure if Bella had even heard her comment, as she continued her uneasy fidgeting.

Eventually she had gone awfully still, freezing on the threshold of the living room door like a statue. I found her rigid appearance more concerning than the restless fidgeting. Her expression was a difficult one to interpret - at times she looked cool and distant, and after a moment she would look like a deer in the headlights.

Rosalie's and Emmett's return truly made her nervous.

Suddenly Alice danced from the kitchen, her whole essence exuding nonchalance and freedom. Her behaviour was a total opposite of Bella's. Alice rarely worried.

"Bella," she chimed with her soprano voice. "Would you like to go outside with me to get some fresh air?" she offered.

I saw Bella clenching her jaw slightly, shaking her head. "I'm not thirsty," she declined, causing me to feel confused. It was rare that a newborn declined the chance of hunting, and Bella had done so twice today.

"We don't have to hunt," Alice explained. "There's just a really cool place I'd like to show you. We found it with Jasper earlier today."

I wondered if Alice was intentionally trying to get Bella outside, so she would have something else to think about until Rosalie and Emmett would arrive.

Bella hesitated, causing Alice to chain her arm around her elbow. "Come on, Bella," she persuated. "We won't be long. And running is a good way to release some pressure."

Eventually Bella gave up, probably knowing from experience that arguing with Alice was quite pointless. They disappeared through the door, and I heard the snow and ice scrunching under their shoes. Silence fell after they disappeared into the woods.

"She's really nervous," Jasper barked a laugh.

I nodded. "Seeing Rosalie makes her uncomfortable. It's probably good that Alice took her out."

I had barely gotten the words out of my mouth when I heard the sound of a car nearing on the highway. The tires screeched as it turned to the narrow road leading to our house.

"Alice knew they would arrive now. That's why she persuaded Bella to leave with her," Jasper stated, comfirming my own suspicions. "That gives us the chance to lay out some groundwork before they meet her."

I nodded as an agreement.

We waited in silence as the minutes passed, the rumbling of the car coming closer.

Judging from they sound of the engine they were traveling with a jeep. I had no doubt that Emmett had bought a new one; the vehicle roared like an angry lion as it sped towards the house. They were both quiet inside the car, with the exception of the quiet chuckles that escaped from Emmett's mouth every now and then. I wondered what amused him so.

The vehichle stopped in front of the house, brakes grumbling. There was no doubt now that Emmett was driving - Rosalie would never drive a car so roughly. She honored and adored them too much.

I stood up with Jasper, and we both hurried to the hall. I opened the front door to see the two members of my family I hadn't seen in months.

Emmett pounced outside from the huge black jeep, shoving the door shut behind him. He wore a huge smile, causing the white row of teeth glow in the dim evening. Rosalie exited the car more slowly and cautiously. Her demanor exuded distance as she measured her surroundings with cautious eyes.

"Carlisle!" Emmet rumbled, his low voice bearing pure joy. He grabbed my hand in his tight grip, reaching out with his other arm to embrace me quickly. His stone palm pounded againt my back almost painfully, but I couldn't bring myself to care. I smiled widely to Rosalie over Emmett's huge shoulder.

My family was here.

Rosalie still looked hesitant, but answered cautiously to my smile after a moment.

"It's good to see you both," I said after Emmett had released me and gone to squeeze the air out of Jasper. I reached out my hand tentatively to offer Rosalie a handshake. She grabbed it, giving my hand a gentle squeeze.

"It's good to see you too," Rosalie said quietly. Her smile was genuinely warm, but there was still caution behind her eyes - her hesitance was easily noticeable. After shaking hands with Jasper, she moved to stand beside Emmett, her posture stiff.

"Where's that little psychic freak?" Emmet asked, his booming voice loud enough to cause an avalanche.

"Alice will be joining us shortly," I answered evasively. Jasper opened the front door and gestured Rosalie and Emmett to step inside.

"Wow," Emmett complimented after we had stepped to the hall. He looked around the house appreciatively. "Nice shack," he said, causing Rosalie to huff.

"It's not a shack," she reproached, nudging Emmett's arm good-naturedly. "It's very nice, Carlisle. So warm and homey," she praised.

"I'm afraid I cannot take any credit for the decor," I stated. "The honor belongs to Alice," I revealed with a chuckle, leading the group into the living room.

We took our seats, Emmett snatching Rosalie's waist and pulling her down on the couch with him, giving her a quick kiss. Jasper settled in the armchair, his expression focused and intense as he tasted the emotions around him.

I took my seat also, leaning my elbows against my knees and linking my fingers. I could feel Emmett's and Rosalie's gazes on me.

I lifted my eyes to them, thinking of the best way to begin.

"We have much to discuss," I began diplomatically, clearing my throat needlessly. Rosalie stiffened slightly. "I don't quite know where to start."

"Continue where you left off," Emmett offered. "You said that you saw Bella in the hospital." His words made Rosalie narrow her eyes, but to my relief she didn't seem hostile - at least not yet. Only curious.

"That's correct," I said and nodded.

"Why was she there?" Rosalie asked, surprising me. I exchanged a glance with Jasper.

Taking a deep breath, I returned in my memories to the night I had found out that she was in the hospital. "Bella was admitted to the hospital almost a year ago, because she was suffering from leukemia. When I was assigned to be her doctor a few weeks ago, she was already very weak and weary because of the illness." I stopped to swallow the surfacing emotions when I thought back those dark times.

I was answered with silence. Rosalie gazed down at the floor, her expression impossible to interpret. Emmett looked solemn - it was an expression that I had rarely seen on his face.

"I decided to reveal my presence to her," I continued. "She was shocked to see me, of course, but not too upset."

Emmett's brow almost hit his hairline. "She wasn't mad at all?" he asked incredulously. "Because we dumped her?"

"There's still a lot of bitterness and sadness in her," Jasper spoke, his low voice filling the dim room. "But not all of that bitterness springs from the events that took place in Forks."

I nodded, making Rosalie and Emmett frown. "Bella has endured a lot during these past few years," I said. "We all know the burden of loss - ," Rosalie winced, the movement barely evident. Emmett pulled her closer to his side. " - and so does Bella." I explained shortly what had happened to Bella's parents, and to her step-father.

Emmett shook his head, looking stunned. "Poor kid," he stated.

We sat in silence for a moment as the news sunk in.

"How about that leukemia, then?" Emmett asked eventually. "Will she get better?"

I licked my lips, wondering how to form my words. "In Bella's case, the leukemia was terminal. She was going through treatments that were very tiring and made her even weaker." I searced their faces. Rosalie was staring at the floor, and I was unable to meet her gaze. Emmett looked regretful, pity shining in his golden eyes. "Her prognosis wasn't good," I continued.

"Did you tell her about what happened to Edward and Esme?" Emmett asked cautiously, giving an apologizing one-armed hug to Rosalie.

I nodded. "I did. It was her right to know, although I worried how it would affect the state of her health."

Rosalie surprised me by voicing out a question. "What did she say?"

"She didn't take it well. I believe she still feels responsible of what happened to them."

Emmett huffed, shaking his head. "It wasn't her fault!"

I felt gratitude towards him for defending her so fervently. "I've tried to convince her about that."

There was a moment of silence again. Rosalie had locked her eyes on the carpet. It was obvious how Emmett felt about Bella - he held no grudge towards her, as I had expected. But I had no way of knowing what Rosalie was thinking. Her expression didn't give anything away.

I glanced at Jasper, hoping to find some anwers from him.

He still looked focused, but noticed my glance. He shrugged casually, and the look in his eyes was rather calm. He didn't seem too worried.

Emmett cleared his throat as if to put a stop to our private conversation. "So what happens now?" he asked. "You said that the leukemia is terminal. You're not gonna let her die, are you?"

Once again I felt relief that he was accepting Bella so easily, but I didn't expect any less from Emmett. His words made Rosalie peek me under her eyelashes.

I exchanged a glance with Jasper again, receiving another casual shrug.

I took a deep breath. "Bella has become a very close friend of mine," I began. "And I intend to keep her in the family. We will not make the same mistake twice." My voice was determined, causing Rosalie to bite her lip.

"A few days ago before Christmas, we persuaded Bella to spend the holidays with us. She seemed reluctant at first, but Alice managed to convince her."

Emmett's thundering laughter filled the room. "Yeah, like someone could say no to Alice. That little woman doesn't even recognize that word," he said, drawing a small smile from Rosalie. "Why was she so reluctant?" Emmett asked, confused.

"She couldn't understand why we wanted her around," I answered simply, noticing Rosalie's eyes turning a shade darker. I decided to continue the story, despite of what was going through her mind.

"The first few days went fine. Bella was still weak, but she felt better every now and then. Until one night - ," I licked my lips, feeling a wave of calm washing over me. I gave Jasper a grateful glance.

I felt disconnected from my body as I shared the events of that fateful evening; how we had left hunting with Jasper, and how Alice had called after a while that something was wrong. I told how Bella's heart had been under a lot of strain during these past few months, and that her body had simply given up.

"It was a close call," I said quietly. "She would have died, and I had no choice but to save her."

Emmett nodded approvingly.

But Rosalie jumped up to her feet, hissing between her teeth. "You changed her without even asking her! Without a permission!" she spat.

I lowered my gaze.

Jasper rose from his chair, gesturing with his hand calmly. "Carlisle did ask her. He offered to change her, but she hesitated with her decision," he defended. I felt like I didn't deserve his kindness - Rosalie was right after all.

"But still," Rosalie insisted. She looked surprised when I cut her off.

"You're right, Rosalie," I whispered. "I do regret that I had to do what I needed to do without her consent. But I feel no remorse about the fact that I saved Bella's life." I swallowed. "I can only hope that she will forgive me someday for my selfish action."

Jasper gave a humourless laugh. "Carlisle, she doesn't resent you at all. Trust me, I know." Then he turned to Rosalie, directing his next words to her. "Carlisle did the right thing when he saved Bella. And you'll just have to deal with your personal issues so we can move on."

His accent was heavy as he let his words hang in the air. I had rarely seen Jasper speaking so directly and harshly.

His tone softened, as did his eyes as he continued, his eyes glued to Rosalie's wrathful expression. "I know you don't hate her from the bottom of your heart. But you can't punish Bella and the rest of us because of your own insecurities, and thoughts of what could have been. What has happened, has happened. It's in the past. It's time to start looking forward."

Rosalie gritted her teeth as she glowered at Jasper. Then she turned her cold eyes to me.

Emmett reached out to touch her hand. "Babe..."

Rosalie's response was to storm out of the room.

I sagged against the armchair with a sigh, suddenly feeling very drained. I lifted my hands to rub my eyes.

"Give her a minute," Emmett advised, not seeming too worried. An angry hiss wafted from the kitchen.

Jasper sat down again, his expression neutral.

Emmett's chuckle made me lift my gaze from the floor.

He was grinning widely, his white teeth shining in the candle-lit room. "So how new is she?" he asked, almost choking with his excitement. "How does she look like? Has she killed anyone yet?"

Jasper snorted quietly.

"She woke up from her transformation two days ago," I answered, trying not to care how casually Emmett speculated about the possible number of Bella's victims.

Emmett whooped, probably planning a wrestling match with her already. A wrestling match he would lose without a doubt.

"She's controlling herself surprisingly well," Jasper said. "I'm surprised that she's so calm."

Emmett's face fell. "She hasn't broken anything?" he asked, his tone bearing pure disappointment.

"Not really," I answered. "But she's very strong, nonetheless."

"She did bite Carlisle," Jasper chuckled. "He surprised her after she had woken up."

The couch shook under Emmett as he laughed.

Rosalie appeared to stand on the doorway, looking a little calmer than before. But her expression was still acid as she walked across the room, and sat down next to Emmett. He pulled Rosalie closer and kissed her again. It was so natural for them be constantly near each other, touching and caressing.

"Where is she then?" Rosalie asked after pulling away from Emmett, her voice tight with tension. I wondered if she was merely upset in Bella's behalf because I had forced her to live this eternal existence. Or was she still holding that same grudge towards Bella, the grudge that had possibly intensified after Esme's and Edward's death?

"She went with Alice in the forest to get some fresh air," I answered. My voice was calm but bore authority when I added, "She's been rather nervous about you arriving here today. And as I told you before, her life hasn't been been completely ideal after we left her."

"No one's life is ideal," Rosalie said, her tone vicious.

I fell silent to listen if she had something more to say. But she only ground her teeth for several seconds, and I decided to continue.

"I have to ask a reasonable amount of civility from you when you meet her," I stated, directing my words to both of them, but my gaze was on Rosalie. She gritted her teeth, setting her jaw.

"She already carries much guilt and sorrow," I carried on. "And she doesn't need family members adding that burden, and turning against her," I said quietly, softening my tone. Invoking Rosalie was challenging - at times she wasn't very receiving. But I knew she had a good heart. A heart that just had been broken too many times.

Rosalie drew in a deep breath through her notrils. "I can behave," she uttered. She locked her gaze into my eyes. "I don't hate her, Carlisle," she said, still sounding almost angry. I raised my brow.

"I know you don't," I responded.

"This all is just a lot to take in," she muttered, studying her hands.

"I understand that."

The sound of quiet chatter, and steps against the thin layer of snow brought our conversation to a halt. Alice's happy rambling could be heard from the forest that surrounded the house. Rosalie stiffened and her notrils flared. Emmett could hardly keep himself on couch, impatience exuding from him. But Rosalie's acrid gaze made him stay still, despite of the fact how enthusiastic he was to see Bella.

Alice's palaver was cut off by a sharp intake of breath.

"They're already here," I heard Bella whispering with a tremor in her voice. She had apparently seen the jeep, or then she had picked up the foreign scent.

Alice hummed a yes, happily and confidently.

I noticed Jasper frowning as he examined the emotions, either monitoring Rosalie's feelings, or Bella's.

The front door creaked as Alice yanked it open. I heard her whispering something very quietly to Bella, and she answered as quietly, her voice frantic. Their conversation was too quiet even for us to hear.

Silent steps on the hall made Emmett and Rosalie turn around on the couch to observe the living room door.

Only Alice's silent breaths could be heard. Bella had stopped breathing, which meant that she instinctively saw the situation as threatening. I wished I could soothe her somehow, to take away the anguish she was feeling.

Alice appeared first, her hand linked to Bella's. She wasn't exactly pulling her along, but I could see that Bella was reluctant to emerge from the shadows of the hall.

And then she was there, her crimson eyes wide open and her expression inscrutable.

She scanned the room quickly, her eyes darting from me to Jasper, and then to Rosalie and Emmet. Then her gaze found me again. After that she lowered her chin, and let her eyes study the floor. She clearly was uncomfortable - she looked like frightened rabbit.

Alice ignored her discomfort, flashing a wide smile to her siblings. "It's so wonderful to see you again," she said. Rosalie gave her a tight smile.

Emmett couldn't restrain himself any longer. He jumped up from the couch and strode to Bella, grapping her in a tight embrace. Bella's feet left the ground as Emmett spun her around.

I almost warned him not to do something so sudden around a newborn - she was still a slave for her instincts, after all.

Bella looked a bit shaken as I watched Emmet lowering her back on the floor, letting out a surprised breath. A small and confused smile broke through the shock.

"It's nice to see you, kid," Emmett teased with his low voice, ignoring her discomfort. "Look at you, I'm so gonna miss the blushing. You'll never turn the same shade of red as a turnip," he laughed. I saw Bella's palm squeeze into a fist, and I knew she was now battling with an urge to smack Emmett.

She let out a nervous chuckle, causing Alice to beam next to her. I exchanged a relieved glance with Jasper.

Emmett was still measuring Bella from head to toe. She frowned, now looking very uncomfortable.

"Wow," Emmett said after a moment. "You look hot."

It was a statement I had to agree with quietly in my mind, only to scold myself immediately.

Rosalie cleared her throat quietly which made Emmett draggle himself back to the couch. He didn't sit down, only leaned his elbows against the back of the cream-colored furniture. His smirk glowed in the candle-lit room.

Bella met Rosalie's gaze with caution. Many emotions washed through her red eyes; anticipation, admiration, fear, shyness, guilt. She suddenly looked very alone when she stood there, despite of the fact that Alice was standing right beside her.

I hadn't even noticed that I had stood up and walked over to her - I wanted to make her feel more at ease, and I hoped my presence would bring some sort of solace to her.

Rosalie broke the heavy silence. "Hello," she offered with a smooth voice. Her tone wasn't distant, but it wasn't overly friendly either.

Bella nodded. "Hi," she murmured. Her eyes darted around the room again, as if to search for a way to escape. I placed a calming hand on her shoulder.

Rosalie narrowed her eyes as she saw my reassuring gesture. I wondered what my touch looked like in her eyes. The last time, years ago, when she had seen me interacting with Bella, I had been simply like a father to her.

But during the last few weeks I had grown much more closer to Bella, closer than ever before. And at times, I felt that maybe she wanted to let me closer to her. She was a master when distancing herself from others and from me. But sometimes I had gotten the feeling that she considered me as a close friend - I certainly thought of her as one. As a very good friend.

Nothing had changed from what we were over five years ago, and yet, everything had changed.

I found myself turning my gaze from Rosalie to Bella. Her fathomless red eyes simmered - many emotions could be seen in those crimson depths. Trust and fear, and a silent request for guidance in this difficult situation.

Did she still saw me as a man I had been in Forks? As a mentor to her and to my family members, as a head of the coven, as a platonic friend?

As a father figure?

Breath hitched in my throat, and a sudden sharp sting pierced my heart. I still wanted to be all those thing to her. I still carried all those same feelings that a father should have; the need to shield and protect, to guide and teach.

But there was also something else behind all those feelings. What was this pull - this gravitation - that had strenghtened when I had laid my eyes on her in that hospital room during my first days in this foreign city? That pull was wider than the sky, larger than the ocean, stronger than the gravity itself...

Did she feel that same pull?

I didn't know.

Someone cleared his throat, dragging me away from my thoughts. I wrenched my eyes from Bella's, turning towards the other vampires in the room. My hand fell away from her shoulder. The lack of contact left me empty.

Emmett's teasing voice broke the silence. "Well, Bella," he chuckled. "What do you think about your first days as a monster?"

Bella still wasn't breathing - it was a sign that she experienced the situation somehow menacing. I heard her drawing quickly a short breath to be able to answer.

"Weird," she said with her silky voice.

Emmett frowned. "Just weird?" he asked, as if making sure he hadn't misunderstood. Bella shrugged.

Emmett's golden eyes sweeped Alice, Jasper and myself. His gaze was almost accusing.

"If you think it's only weird, then these gyus have obviously been withholding a few things from you," he rumbled, turning his gaze from Bella to me and Jasper. "Haven't you taught her anything? Why haven't you shown her how to have some fun?" he exclaimed. A smile crept to my face.

"Jasper, I expected more from you," Emmet went on as he tossed him with a sofa cushion. Jasper grabbed it before it could hit him, grinning.

"You've got all the time in the world to show her how to demolish the house, for intance," Jasper drawled.

"It's not all about breaking stuff," Emmett defended, his voice ironically formal. Rosalie snorted quietly.

As the easy-going bickering went on, I noticed Bella relaxing a bit. Her posture was still stiff as she gazed at Rosalie every now and then.

I steered her towards the other couch to sit down. She seemed a bit reluctant, but sat down next to me anyway. But I was sure that she was relieved that all the attention wasn't directed towards her anymore.

Alice wanted to give a tour to Emmett and Rosalie after a while. Emmett gazed at Bella with a longing expression, and at the same time his eyes were measuring her form.

"Come on Emmett," Alice pleaded. "You can wrestle with her later. As if you had any chances to win, anyway."

"Hey!" Emmet growled. "You don't know what you're talking about, little snippet," he grumbled. His huge muscles bulged under his clothes.

Alice ignored him and gestured Rosalie to follow. For my surprise she wore a small smile as she hooked her arm around Emmett's, and dragged him with her out of the room.

Soon Alice's voice echoed from upstairs as she intoduced the house to her siblings.

Bella slumped slightly against the couch and let out a breath. I was rather satisfied with the result of how the evening had went. I had to admit that there was still some tension in the air, but I could only hope that it would dissipate as the time went on.

Jasper stood up from the armchair, and darted upstairs to join the others.

I glanced at Bella, studying her pale face. Her eyes were closed.

"What are you thinking?" I asked quietly. She opened her eyes and looked at me. Crimson red mingled with golden.

"I'm thinking that it went better than I thought," she whispered insecurely. "Emmett seems to accept me."

I chuckled. "Of course he does," I assured, lowering my voice. "And Rosalie will, too. Give her some time."

Emmett started howling upstairs, and a loud thud could be heard. A part of me wondered if it was a good idea to wrestle inside the house - it sounded like Jasper was about to be deafeated.

Alice's high-picthed voice started ranting about their lack of manners.

I chuckled. "It won't be long until Emmett challenges you," I warned a wide smile on my face. It was so wonderful to have the house full of life again. I had missed these moments.

"Yeah?" Bella asked. "Coud I take him? He's so huge," she wondered, not looking too eager.

"You're stronger," I assured.

Emmett boomed from the third floor, obviously hearing our quiet conversation. "Bullshit!" he argued.

"Watch your language," I scolded, not able to keep the smile from my voice. "There are ladies present."

Emmett laughed at my rebukes.

I got up from the couch and walked over to the glass wall, looking outside into the night. Snowflakes were slowly floating down from the skies.

Laughter erupted from upstairs again as Emmett made a joke about some detail in Alice's decor. I heard her annoyed huff among Jasper's low laughter that almost drowned under Emmett's. Even Rosalie laughed a little - it was a sound I hadn't heard in a long time.

Laughter. It was truly wonderful to have all of my remaining family members under the same roof. An old gash twisted my heart as I thought of those two persons who were missing out these moments.

But I knew that even though they couldn't be here with us physically, they would be present in other ways. Their memory could never be ripped to shards, and the flames could not consume them. And by staying together, as one family we could honor their memory and their abiding impact on us.

I heard Bella shifting on the couch, and I turned to look at her.

She had propped her elbow against the arm of the couch, and leaned her chin against her palm. The position seemed very natural for her, even though I knew she struggled with those normal human poses.

A pure happiness and contentment filled me again, hearing the easy chatter from upstairs, complemented with a scene of Bella sitting on the couch, astoundingly beautiful and indestructible.

My family was at home.

* * *

The next days passed by in a rush.

My work at the hospital kept me very busy, not to mention the New Year's celebration. It was inconceivable how easily humans could harm themselves when gotten carried away.

I had considered asking more vacation from the hospital so I could spent the New Year's Eve with my family, but I knew the staff was already running short. Every available personnel were needed.

It was good to feel needed - it brought me great joy to know that my abilities could benefit someone.

It was the evening of January first when I was finally released from my duties, leaving a busy triple-shift behind me. My other colleagues were dog-tired, and I had to try to made an act of being in a severe need of sleep myself.

The previous night, not to mention the day had been rather busy; most of the patients brought in suffered from burns and other common injuries that were caused by fireworks. The amount of alcohol intoxications saddened me - most of the patients were teenagers, almost children.

My last patient of the evening was a young woman suffering from a mild preeclampsia. She had to start the beginning of the new year under careful monitoring.

I finished giving instructions to the nurse, telling her which things she should be paying attention to over the night. Then I exited the woman's hospital room and stepped out to the hallway, ready to make my way to my office and finally after that towards home.

A familiar voice calling my name interrupted my short journey, and I turned around to greet Nurse Elliot as she jogged from the other end of the corridor.

"Dr. Cullen," she gasped, slightly breathless from the run. "I've been looking for you all day," she continued, holding out a small bag in her hands. Her light brown hair had escaped from the tight ponytail, and she looked very tired. My guess was that I wasn't the only one with a busy day behind me.

I took the blue canvas bag from her, quirking my eyebrow.

"It's the rest of Isabella's belongings," Nurse Elliot explained. "I heard that she won't return here anymore," she added sadly.

I arranged a regretful expression on my face - it wasn't difficult when I remembered how close to an end Bella's life had been a few days ago.

It saddended me that Nurse Elliot would never know Bella's true fate. She would never know that Bella would continue to life and thrive.

"Thank you," I said, taking the bag from her.

"Please tell her I said hi. Is she still staying with your niece?" Nurse Elliot asked.

"For a while, at least," I answered evasively. "I'm not sure how long she will stay, though. She mentioned about leaving to somewhere else at some point," I lied smoothly, following the backstory we had made up earlier with Bella to avoid any uncomfortable questions in the future.

Nurse Elliott nodded, biting her lip. She wiped the escaped lock of her hair behind her ear.

"You look tired," I stated in attempt to change the subject. "The New Year's celebration causes a lot of extra work," I chuckled conversationally.

"Tell me about it. There was this one man who had climbed onto the roof to see the fireworks better. Of course the ladder had fallen over, and he was stuck on the high roof all night. When they brought him in he was almost hypothermic." Nurse Elliot shook her head and chuckled humourlessly.

I exchanged a few more words with her and then bid a good night, making my way to the elevators. After leaving my white coat in my office, I started my journey towards home.

As I speeded down the highway, a small part of me wondered if all of what was left of the house was a pile of ruins by now. You would never know what Emmett got in his mind once he got carried away. He was almost as erratic as humans were.

But my concern was proved to be useless as I pulled my car in front on the house that seemed to be entirely intact. At least from the outside.

I went in to find three vampires passing their time in the living room. Rosalie was playing cards with Emmett while Jasper sat on the couch with his gaze fixed upon the television screen. He gave me a quick nod before focusing on the history document again.

Alice soared from the kitchen with her featherlight steps, announcing that Bella was upstairs in case I was looking for her.

It was no surprise that she was up there all alone.

This had been our new pattern for the past few days; I would come home from the hospital, regardless of the time, and after changing my clothes I would find Bella from the small balcony of her room. It was obvious that she avoided company, even more so than usually. She had insisted that spending time alone didn't bother her even a bit - she had said that she wanted to focus on her reading.

And still, I could swear that she hadn't even as much as opened a book during these past four days.

I made my way to the fourth floor, carrying both my briefcase and the small bag that Nurse Elliot had given me earlier. After quickly changing my clothes and washing my hands to rid myself of the scent of humans, I made my way to the hall.

The door of Bella's room was cracked open. I knocked quietly out of habit and stepped inside, dropping the cottonbag on the couch.

I stepped on the balcony, studying the young woman sitting on the edge. She turned around to give me a quick smile, her fingers fiddling with a book in her lap.

I wondered what made her seek solitude so hard. I was sure that Rosalie was one of the reasons. I hadn't extected them to be friends right away, but it still pained me to know that Bella felt like she should hide. I worried that she would withdraw into her shell more than ever.

"How was your day?" I asked as I leaned my elbows against the railing.

"It was good," she answered, as she did everyday. "Happy New Year," she wished with a chuckle.

I responded in kind, telling her that the beginning of the year had been nothing but calm and serene inside the walls of the hospital.

"What have you been doing?" I asked.

Bella waved the book in her hand, avoiding my gaze. She had fixed her eyes towards the dark forest.

The silence between us lasted, the quiet conversation downstairs interrupting it. Someone turned up the volume of the flatscreen.

"What is bothering you?" I finally asked, straightforward.

Bella stopped her quiet breathing. "Nothing."

After a moment she sensed my intense gaze, turning quickly to take a look at me. "What makes you think that something's bothering me?"

I quirked my eyebrow. "The fact that you are here, all alone and sulking, while you could be with the others."

"I'm not sulking. I wanted to read, alone."

It was now more difficult for me to tell if she lied - I couldn't decipher the truth in her words when I couldn't hear the beat of her heart. As a human, her pulse tended to quicken every time she was being untruthful.

But I was quite confident that she was avoiding answering me honestly. I yet lacked the ability to know how her mind worked, but at times, I felt like I knew her well enough.

And I didn't want her to distance herself from everyone.

From me.

"Would you like to take a walk?" I asked, hoping that she would feel more free to talk once the others couldn't be able to hear her.

Bella hesitated, probably sensing that I was about to confront her. Sighing, she pushed herself up from the balcony floor. I took the book from her hand, and tossed it quicky on a table inside her room.

At first Bella's expression revealed bemusement when she saw me flinging my leg over the balcony railing as I intended to jump instead of going downstairs through the front door. "Come on," I encouraged before dropping myself down to the ground.

My feet touched the hard surface and caused the snow whirl around me. I glanced up to see Bella peeking from the balcony. The drop wasn't that high - only over thirty feet or so. At the beginning of my new life, I had jumped a hundred times higher when I had desperately attempted to end my diabolical existence.

I understood Bella's uncertainty. As a human she hand't been able to jump down from the lowest stair without injuring herself. This was new to her.

And a part of me didn't want to see her jump from that high; it was hard not to think of her as the delicate and breakable human as she once had been. The need to shield her and protect her from harm was still present. It would always be.

"Go ahead," I said nonetheless with a smile. "It's easy."

I heard her huffing quietly, and then she gracefully swung herself on the railing. Then she pushed off, flinging herself in the air.

My hands shot out to steady her as she fell soundlessly next to me. I knew she needed no aid to stay on her feet, but I couldn't help myself.

Emmett whistled loudly from the house, and I turned to glance at the window. Bella made a very uncivilized hand gesture when she noticed that she had audience - her irritation made me chuckle quietly.

We darted into the woods together, and I chose a different direction than before. I started to lead her towards the northeast, where the mountains were a little higher and the scenery was breathtaking.

The forest changed colours around us as the day turned slowly to an evening. Another endless day faced its end as the night took over.

When the terrain started to rise and transform into mountains, I slowed my running and came to a halt. Bella stopped beside me, her dark mahogany hair swirling around her shoulders like a veil. Her crimson eyes smoldered like embers.

She took in her surroundings, admiring the ancient trees around her. The forest was still and quiet around us; the nature knew when two predators lurked among the living creatures. Even the wind was quiet. But we'd leave the animals in peace tonight; I had brought Bella here to talk.

She sensed my expectant gaze on her, turning her eyes towards me again. Her brow rose as she regarded me questioningly.

"So," she muttered.

I took a deep breath and braced myself. "I wanted to bring you here so we could talk in private," I began.

"Okay. Why?" Her tone was too innocent.

"Because I worry that something is wrong," I answered truthfully. "You've been quite withdrawn during the past few days."

Bella sighed, rolling her eyes at my words. I continued despite of the response I had received.

"I want to know if something is bothering you, or making you otherwise uncomfortable," I said quietly.

The look in her eyes softened. "I appreciate it, Carlisle," she answered. "But there's nothing for you to worry about. I can deal with my own issues and insecurities," she muttered, sounding suddenly weary. My instant reaction was to reach out and touch her shoulder in a manner that I hoped to be soothing.

"You don't have to deal with things on your own, Bella. You've had to do it for a long time," I persuaded. I wanted her to talk to me, to unburden her thoughts - I wanted her to know she could confide in me. "Has Rosalie said something to you?" I asked, suddenly worrying that she was making Bella feel the way she did.

"No," Bella said right away. "I haven't talked to her that much."

"Why not?" I whispered. Bella shook her head, studying the white ground with her gaze.

"Alice tells me you haven't been interacting with anyone lately," I probed. Bella clenched her jaw and lifted her gaze. She stared over my shoulder into the trees.

"Bella, I'm not doing this to accuse you, or to make you feel bad," I said softly, trying to make her understand. "And if you feel like you need some space, then I'll understand and back off. But if there's something wrong, I wish to know."

She took a deep breath, letting her eyes sweep mine quickly. "There's really nothing wrong," she said. "It's just so difficult to approach Rosalie, and even Emmett. Every time I pluck up the courage to go talk to them I chicken out," she blurted, as if to get the words out of her mouth as quickly as possible. "And I feel like... an outsider. Like I don't belong here."

I reached out to grab her hand, saddened and horrified by her words. "Of course you belong here, Bella," I whispered urgently. A sudden realisation broke through my mind. "You're not planning on leaving, are you?" I asked, startled.

She shook her head, causing me to exhale in relief.

I started to speak again, thinking of a way to set her mind at ease. "I talked to Rosalie the night she arrived with Emmett," I said carefully. "And I'm quite sure that she doesn't harbor hatred towards you. The situation is difficult for her, and I want to understand her. And as you said, she's not an easy person to approach. When the right time comes I'm sure that you can hear each other out. But there's no rush or pressure," I reassured. Bella's gaze wandered, but eventually she met my eyes.

"I know," Bella nodded. "And thanks for being so understanding," she muttered.

I chuckled. "You don't have to thank me, Bella, for anything," I assured.

"But I do," she insisted as we turned back towards the house. Our pace was unhurried as we made our way through the sleeping woods. "You're always so patient with me. Someone else would have kicked me out by now. Or normally I would have packed my bags and left myself," she blurted and grimaced immediately.

Her words made me stop and she stopped too, turning to face me.

"But you're still here," I stated, hoping from the bottom of my heart that she would always be.

She swallowed, locking her red gaze with mine. "I am."

We were standing very closely, and suddenly her proximity seemed more prominent. My hand seeked her arm, the gesture very easy and natural. I let my touch roam on her shoulder, and it was only now when I realised that the skin there was bare. A small part of my mind realised that Alice must have dressed her in that tiny black halterneck top. Bella would never choose to wear something so revealing, voluntarily at least.

I must have been distracted before, because I hadn't noticed how lovely she was looking tonight. Although she was looking rather lovely every night. Every morning, every afternoon, everyday...

When my hand reached out to brush the warm skin of her neck I noted the shiver that rippled through her. She swallowed, and I tore my gaze away from her pale skin to see her eyes.

Her gaze penetrated me, and the fire in her irises made me almost gasp.

What was this pull, this power she had over me? Once again I found myself imprisoned in her eyes - would I ever be resistant against her gaze?

I would not. And with a start I realised, that I didn't want to be.

I had a sudden an urge to lean closer - she was so near, so easy to approach. Most times she distanced herself away from me, both physically and mentally. But she was here now, and a part of me feared that she would run away. She was like an unreachable mountain, so near but yet so far away, always beyond my grasp. She was like a frightened sparrow with broken wings, unable to stay in the air properly - and still she was able to fly away from me. Even with broken wings.

I was so close now that I could smell the sweet puffs of air that escaped between her lips. I wasn't able to resist an inhale, to smell her sweet scent. How could I resist? She was impossible to resist.

Irresistible.

_Isabella._

She stopped breathing, and I saw expectation in her eyes, among millions of other emotions. Her body exuded warmth - she wasn't as warm as she had been as a human, but nonetheless. This warmth was different now. Her proximity was almost scalding, and her eyes flamed with that same burning.

A sudden sound pierced the silence and made the moment scatter - both of us jumped, and the atmosphere, turdib and heavy with emotions, shook and broke.

And then the moment was gone, and a part of my hazy brain wondered the origin of that sudden sound.

"A raven," I chuckled quietly for being so jumpy. Another raw squawk pierced the air.

"Yeah," Bella laughed, and I noticed that she seemed to be out of breath. It made me realise that she had been as possessed as I had been a moment ago. Had she felt that same fire as I had?

I was utterly confused. What had just transpired between us?

Suddenly there was a huge chasm between us again. I could feel her distancing herself away from me as she turned and started to make her way towards the house. I followed, falling in step beside her, but still giving her space.

Had I upset her somehow? What must she be thinking? Regret swelled inside me; I hadn't wanted to make her feel uncomfortable.

We were quiet for the rest of the journey, and I didn't break the silence until we had reached the house. After climbling back up to the small balcony - our temporary boycot against the front door still continuing - I gave her the blue cotton bag Nurse Elliot had given me earlier.

"She told me to say hello," I said, pursuing to keep my voice normal and casual. Bella took the bag and nodded, her face expressionless.

I left her alone after that, grabbing my briefcase and heading to my study to fill up some paperwork. I listened to Bella's quiet pacing around the room on the other side of the wall. She halted every now and then, sighing almost inaudibly. It made me wonder if Rosalie and Emmett still troubled her mind. Or was she thinking about what had happened in the woods earlier?

Or what could have happened.

Confusion conquered me once again. What was happening? What had occured between us in that moment? And more importantly, where would it have led to, if the moment hadn't been interrupted?

The realisation was both startling and pleasant.

I knew that something had shifted between us. Or maybe something had changed between us a long time ago - it was only now that I truly comprehended it.

I wondered if I had ruined and tainted everything with my actions tonight. I had no wish to make her uncomfortable - I still wanted to be her friend. And I couldn't bear to lose her due to my own selfish feelings.

Another lonely sigh drifted from the other side of the wall.

The chasm between us widened.

* * *

"You led me on." Alice's grumbling was accompanied with a loud bang of the door.

"What do you mean?" Bella asked, her voice casual and bearing no surprise.

Alice huffed quietly, and I heard her dropping something on the floor. Earlier this morning I had heard Bella borrowing Alice's cell phone so she could call her lessor to give up her apartment. Alice had offerred to go into the city to get her belongings since Bella couldn't do it herself.

Her trip had been short - she hadn't spent even an hour at Bella's apartment before coming back.

I lifted my gaze from the medical journal I was reading in the living room, listening to the conversation that was taking place upstairs. It was a late afternoon and, I had come home from the hospital almost two hours ago. Rosalie and Emmet were hunting with Jasper, and the house was more quiet than normally.

I hadn't seen Bella very much today, only briefly during forenoon before I had left for my shift. The moment had felt constrained, and there had been a weird tension between us.

The day at the hospital had been a welcomed distraction for me, but not a very effective one. Time after time I had returned in my memories to the previous evening, and to that short moment in the forest.

"Well, Bella, when you asked me to go into your apartment and pack your things, I actually thought that there was something to pack," Alice explained. She sounded disappointed.

"Okay. And...?" Bella probed, and she had clearly no idea what bothered Alice so much.

"And there wasn't!" Alice piped up. "I barely managed to fill your duffel bag."

I heard Bella sighing. "I moved around a lot," she said, her tone distant. "I didn't need much in order to manage. I had to be able to carry everything I owned."

I heard Alice sitting down on the couch while Bella darted around the room and unloaded her bag. The sound of books scrabbling against the wood could be heard.

"Why did you move around that much?" Alice asked, her tone much more softer than before. "How many places have you lived in?"

I listened quietly, considering giving them privacy. I knew Bella needed someone to open up to about her past, and I was glad if she felt like talking to Alice. But a part of me wanted to hear her answer - I needed her answers. The desperate need to be able to undertand her was compelling.

"I just didn't know how to settle down, I guess," Bella muttered.

"Does it have something to do with your parents?" Alice asked, her tone cautious but gentle.

Bella stopped breathing. A book bumped against the shelf and then her voice, cool and even more remote than before, pierced the air.

"Thanks for picking up my stuff," she said. I heard Alice shifting on the couch. "Did you leave the keys under the flowerpot like I asked?"

Quiet steps sounded across the floor. Alice's voice was apologizing but persuasive as she spoke.

"Bella - ,"

"I don't want to talk about it, Alice. Please don't make me." Bella's tone was determined, but a sudden fatigue shone trough.

I lowered the medical journal on the table in front of me, linking my fingers. I heard Alice getting up from the couch, and Bella thanked her quietly once again.

A wind brushed against my skin as Alice whizzed from upstairs to stand beside me. She gave me a pointed look and glanced at upstairs, obviously beckoning for me to go and talk to Bella.

I frowned. What chances did I have to get her to confide in me? I knew there was a lot I didn't know about Bella - I had barely scratched a surface of her complex mind. Her past was evidently haunting her, and how could it not? Everyone who had loved her had left her, in one way or another. It was bound to leave scars, and those scars prevented her from trusting anyone.

My heart went out to her. How many times had her heart been shattered?

Alice frowned down at me until I stood up. I started to make my way up the stairs in a slow pace to get more time to think of something to say to her. The front door clicked closed as Alice left to give us some privacy.

By the time I had gotten to the fourth floor, I still hadn't come up with anything to say.

The door of Bella's room was open. I glanced inside quietly, seeing Bella standing in front of the huge window with her back to the door. My eyes found a specific object from the small table in the corner of the room - a familiar picture rested against the dark wood.

It was the picture of a stormy, dark sea that had adorned Bella's wall in her apartment. I found myself regretful that she was still keeping that picture. I didn't like the grim and dark atmosphere it created.

I stepped quietly into the room, my steps taking me closer to Bella. But I felt like the closer I got, the distance only grew.

Bella recognized my presence by turning her head slightly as I stopped to stand next to her.

Should I touch her? Would she allow my touch, or would it offend her?

I cleared my throat, not ready to take a risk.

"Is everything alright?" I asked.

Her eyes were glued to the mountains. The weather had started to warm up a bit and the snow was melting quickly, with the exception of the high mountains; they were still covered with pure white veil.

"Yes," she breathed. "Did I upset Alice?"

I shook my head. "Of course not. She's only worried about you."

Bella closed her eyes, her pale eyelids covering the smoldering crimson irises. She gave out a humourless chuckle. "There's no reason to worry," she assured.

This distance between us almost repulsed me. I took a deep breath to speak and opened my mouth, only to find myself mute.

After a moment of silence I tried again, summoning the words before the uncertainty would conquer me again.

"Have I offended you somehow, Bella?" I asked, my voice a mere whisper.

My words caused her to spin her head towards me. Her red eyes were wide with surprise and puzzlement. Her mouth was slightly open as she stood there like a statue for several seconds.

"What?" she finally asked, frowning.

I shifted a bit, looking out of the window to avoid her gaze.

"Carlisle, what makes you think that?" Bella asked again, her voice high-pitched with bewilderment.

I swallowed, turning my gaze back into her eyes. "I thought that..." I shook my head, trying to think of a way to make her understand. "You have been very quiet since last night. And I worried that I have done something that made you uncomfortable," I explained, thinking about the moments in the woods when I had leaned towards her face, her intoxicating scent making me overwhelmed...

Bella gave out a confused laugh. I could see that she was struggling to find something to say.

"You haven't offended me," she assured after a moment. She met my gaze, and for a moment the chasm was gone, and all was well again between us. "A lot of things have been going through in my mind," she explained. "I'm sorry if I seemed like I was sulking or something. It feels like that's all I do these days," she muttered.

I was about to answer, feeling relief washing through me when I realised that she wasn't upset with me. But a loud laughter sounded from the forest, cutting me off.

It was probably Emmett, having a wrestling match with Jasper in the forest.

"Shush!" Alice silenced from somewhere.

"What?" Emmett asked. "Why?"

It was difficult to say exactly how far away they were from the house - I estimated at least about half a mile. No audible words were spoken in a while, until Emmett's frustrated rumble echoed in the forest again. "What's going on? Ow! Don't pinch me!"

Alice sighed. "Never mind. I'll tell you later," she huffed.

Bella's frown matched mine when we listened to the peculiar word exchange.

Soon the sound of four pairs of feet pushing through the wet slush could be heard. I watched as my four children emerged from the woods.

Rosalie had managed to keep herself clean and tidy as always - she hated to get dirty, even on hunting trips. But Jasper and Emmett looked like they had been crawling instead of running. After considering it a moment I realised that they probably had. Hunting was like an entertainment for them, not to mention the wrestling matches that had the potential to break down the entire house.

The small group saw us looking from the window and they all raised their hands, except Rosalie.

Emmett wore a devilish grin as he stopped on the backyard. "Get over here, Bella!" he called out.

I noticed Bella stiffening beside me, and I gave her a reassuring smile.

"He probably wants to challenge you. He's been dying to do that since he heard you're a vampire," I explained.

Emmett's eyes glinted, and a wide grin broke through at my words. He started to roll up his sleeves, his enormous pale muscles bulging under his sweater.

Bella's eyes followed my gaze towards Emmett, and she lifted her brow suspiciously as the mud and wet snow ran down Emmett's clothes.

"I don't know," she said, looking worried. "Alice will kill me if I ruin my clothes. And Rosalie will be the next one in line if I happen to harm you in any way," she answered to Emmett.

Rosalie glanced at her from the yard, curiously surprised that Bella had mentioned her so effortlessly. It surprised me too, but I felt pleased that she didn't shy away as she had done during these past few days.

"That's an excuse," Emmett thundered. Jasper snickered. "We don't have to roll in the ground or anything. Arm wrestling it is then! I don't care how I beat a newborn," he taunted.

Bella shook her head, snorting quietly. "I don't know."

"Okay. I get it," Emmett stated. "I understand that you're scared..." He barked a laugh, the sound mocking.

That did the trick.

It took less than a second for Bella when she whizzed out to the balcony, wrenching the glass door open on her way. I quickly stopped the door with my hand to prevent the glass from hitting against the wall and shattering.

She flung herself over the railing as she had done yesterday, the white slosh splattering around her as her feet hit the ground.

I knew I wouldn't miss the upcoming moment for any price, and so I jumped after her.

Emmett chuckled tauntingly again, his expression self-satisfied as he saw Bella rolling up the sleeves of her purple cashmere sweater. I saw Alice squinting her eyes, without a doubt fearing for the piece of clothing.

"Okay," Bella breathed, apparently trying not to sound so worried. "Don't we need a table or something?"

"Yep. But we would break it down anyway, so..." Emmett answered and started to look around.

There were no proper rocks or boulders to be seen, and Emmett was without a doubt looking for one. Jasper started to lead the group back into the woods, and before long we found a boulder that was suitably high enough.

Emmett wore a grin that reminded me of a lazy cat who has just received a bowl of rich cream. He circulated around the boulder and positioned himself on the other side, leaning his elbow against the moss-covered surface.

Bella quirked her brow, apparently still trying to make herself believe that someone had actually managed to persuade her into a silly activity such as this. Or maybe she was really worried about the outcome - I saw her carefully eyeing Emmett's towering size and his biceps.

Eventually she sighed and stepped forward, ignoring all of our gazes. She mirrored Emmett's posture and grabbed his hand. Her hand was tiny and delicate compared to Emmett's enormous fist.

Jasper settled himself on the other end of the rock between the two rivals.

"Remember the fair and clean game," he reminded, pretending to be stern. Although he was speaking to the both of them, I saw his eyes lingering on Emmett a little longer.

"What?" he remarked. "I always play fair," he insisted. Alice laughed softly.

"Alright then," Jasper said. "On three. One... Two..."

Emmett and Bella tensed their muscles and shifted their positions to get ready. Emmett's fingers twicthed with anticipation.

"... three!"

With Jasper's signal they started to wrestle, and at first they seemed to be very even. Bella and Emmett stared at each other intently, and I saw Bella grinding her teeth together. Cheers and encouragements echoed in the dimmening evening, and I wasn't sure who cheered to who.

Low grunts escaped between Emmett's tightly squeezed lips. He had a fraction of a second to realise what was happening, and his eyes widened with shock as his huge arm started to sink towards the surface of the grey boulder. He let out one last angry yell, and then his fist pressed forcibly against the rock, making the surface break and crack.

The boulder received more violent handling as he kicked and stamped down on it in his outrage. He was as bad loser as Alice was.

Cheers and applauses reverberated once again, and Bella jumped up and down a couple of times before turning to me. Emmett was still abusing the boulder, making Jasper laugh. I was surprised to see even Rosalie grinning.

Bella's crimson eyes glowed, and a wide smile played on her lips. I reached out to give her a one armed embrace, and couldn't resist kissing her forehead tenderly. I smiled down at her and she smiled back at me with delight.

The earlier distance between us was gone; the realisation made me feel truly blessed.

I left my arm around her shoulder, savoring the feeling of having her so close to me. Other members of the family were throwing curious glances towards us.

On our way back to the house I realised that having my arm around her didn't feel at all inappropriate to me - it felt easy and natural.

I didn't possess the same abilities as Jasper did - but I could see that for the first time in a while Bella was exuding relaxation and contentment. Her eyes shimmered subtly when the lights of the house reflected from them.

A soft sigh escaped her mouth.

My heart sighed with hers.

* * *

**AN:** This was a challenging chapter to write for many reasons, but I enjoyed it immensely. We are able to see that Carlisle is starting to contemplate his feelings towards Bella, and he's starting to realise that he's harboring more than fatherly feelings towards her.

Stupid raven, why did it have to prevent the kiss :)

The tension between Rosalie and Bella is palpable, and how could it not. They have a lot of issues work through, and we will see them talking about things in the next chapter. I didn't want Rosalie to be overly terrible to Bella - but I didn't want her to be too receiving, either. A lot of people see Rosalie as an annoying and horrible bitch, and I admit that sometimes she can be a little difficult. But I don't think she's that shallow and immature. Her character is one of my favorites right after Carlisle, and she has some sort of depth in her - I can't quite put to words how complex her character really is.

Even though she's swift to anger and quite snappy sometimes, I know it goes deeper than that. She's not truly so mean and venomous - the book Eclipse proves that. She's had just a lot of things to deal with in her life.

The next chapter will be posted in a few days. Meanwhile, enjoy and tell me what'd you think so far :)


	33. Chapter 33: Humanity

**Stephenie Meyer owns Twilight :)**

**A/N: Thank you again for your reviews. Whenever I find myself in doubt, and if I have trouble with writing, I go and read your reviews. They always give me joy and inspiration!**

**This chapter offered many challenges for me. I was unsure how to deal with the Rosalie/Bella situation; I knew I didn't want Rosalie to turn out this awful witch - many people manages to see only the mean qualities in her. But I couldn't write her as wonderful and overly friendly person, either. She has a lot of issues with herself and with Bella, and I want to understand her. And there's obviously not going to be any Renesmee or other baby-hybrids in this story to break the ice and make them allies, so.. :D It's a challenge. Please read and tell me your opinion.  
**

**One of the readers asked a reminder of what happened to Bella's parents: Renée died in a car accident along with Phil, and Charlie died while on-duty as a police. You can find more information in Chapter 22: Golden. Bella doesn't think about her parents much - the memories cause her pain, and she gladly avoids thinking about her past.  
**

**There's been some speculation about the reason to Bella's moving around during the past years. Chapter 22 offers answers to that, too, and those things will also be dealt in the future once Bella starts to open up about the things that haunt her mind (hopefully she confides in Carlisle :)) But just to be clear: she moved from place to place because she avoided becoming familiar with anything and anyone, and to spare herself from more pain. Cullens had left her, a year later Charlie dies, and some time after that her mom dies too. That's bound to break her heart, and the only way to protect herself was seeking solitude and escaping that tragic past of hers.**

**I don't know where Jacob fits in, and I don't know if he'll be a part of this story - it's unlikely at this point. I'm thinking that he was friends with Bella after the Cullens left. But then he stopped keeping in touch with Bella once he became a werewolf - and let's keep in mind that in this story Bella never found out that he is a werewolf. So she also lost Jaboc's friendship down the line. Bad luck seems to follow her constantly.  
**

**I'm not getting into detail what's up with Victoria. I guess we'll have to wait and see of she still mopes about the death of James :)**

**Now I'll shut up and let you read :) If something bothers you, feel free to ask!**

* * *

_**"If you live to be a hundred, **_

_**I want to live to be a hundred minus one day so I never have to live without you."**_

- A.A. Milne, _Winnie the Pooh _-

* * *

**Humanity**

BPOV

_"I wonder how, I wonder why, yesterday you told me 'bout the blue blue sky, and all that I can see is just a yellow lemon-tree..."_

I was torn between the urge to smile and block my ears as Alice danced around me, her soprano voice echoing in her huge bedroom as she sang. I had to admit that she was very good at singing - her voice was clear and beautiful. It was like a dozen jingling bells in the wind, but only so much better and much more entertaining.

I constrained and swallowed my opinions about the music that was considered popular during 90's, leaning quietly against the wall when Alice darted around the room and arranged the pile of clothes she had dragged out from her closet.

Apparently she had decided that the way I dressed was her personal responsibility now, even more so than ever before. Time after time she carried me different garments from her huge closet, each one much more ridiculous and exaggerated than the other. And time after time I shook my head, and for the millionth time asked for something normal and comfortable to wear.

I thought that her patience would be wearing thin soon because of my pickiness. But the smile never let her face, even though she huffed scorningly every time when I happened to reject some of the clothes that she described with words like, 'fashionable' and 'luxurious'. Maybe she saw me as a wonderful challenge. And Alice loved challenges.

I guess my fashion-consciousness hadn't enhanced during my transformation as my other abilities had. Maybe it was something that had to be built-in in the first place in order to work, and I just lacked that particular feature. As simple as that.

"This one," Alice informed, carrying a normal looking black button-down shirt with long sleeves.

I blinked, and blinked again. I hadn't expected her to let me wear something so... simple.

But I liked simple.

"Yeah, that's good," I breathed, relief flooding over me when I was finally able to escape her little mannequin-game. I started to peel off the ludicrous purple corset she had forced me to try on - the reason still remaining unclear to me. I just couldn't understand clothes.

Alice came quickly to help me with the strings and buttons before I would tear anything off. I already had managed to rip one of her many tops when I had taken it off too roughly. And I didn't want to break anything again. It was almost a crime in Alice's world. More than that, it was a sin.

The tight garment released me from it's grasp, and I sighed in relief, quickly pulling on the black shirt and buttoning it. I deserved cheers - when I finished I was satisfied to notice that every button was still attached to the fabric.

"I think I'll go shopping this afternoon," Alice pondered aloud. "I'm seeing in my visions that I find this wonderful jacket in one store that I've been searching for a long time."

"Are you finding yourself in short supply of coats?" I asked sarcastically, partly amused.

She snorted. "Of course not. And it's not like I'm not environmentally-conscious. I give away a lot of my clothes to charity so that they will be reused," she defended. She started humming again, this time a song I didn't recognize. It was probably a hit from the time I hadn't been even born.

I thanked her for the shirt, sniffing the sleeve quietly. It was amazing that even clothes had different smells; the scent of polyamide and cotton was clean. Not fresh or crisp, just sharply clean.

I was just about to turn and make my way to the hall when Alice stopped me.

"Hey, don't forget your halterneck top and sweater," she said, grabbing the clothes from the bed where I had tossed them earlier. I had worn them before Alice had started to pretend that I was her doll.

She flung the fabrics towards me and I grabbed them easily. "Oh, right," I muttered, hoping that I wouldn't get another lecture about how to put the clothes on a hangar properly and correctly.

"Did you like the top?" Alice asked. "I think it goes great with your skin and dark hair."

The mention of the halterneck top caused a thrill to go through me, and I was bombarded with images of the evening three days ago when I had been in the forest with Carlisle. He had taken me there to talk with me after he had noticed that I had started to seclude myself from everyone. I was still doing that in a way, but it had been easier to be in Emmett's and Rosalie's company after the night I had beaten Emmett in arm wrestling. But there was still tension between Rosalie and myself. I knew there were a lot of issues we had to address.

My thoughts went back to the forest where Carlisle had inquired if something was wrong. I had been able to share some of my insecurities with him, and it had brought some comfort to me. Carlisle had been patient and understanding towards me as always.

Why did he have to be so utterly perfect?

I remembered the tense moment when he had stopped in front of me, and his gaze had bored into mine - and I could swear that the ground had shifted beneath my feet in that moment.

Blackness had conquered his irises when he had been studying me with his gaze. I shivered when I remembered the way his warm fingers had brushed against the bare skin of my shoulder. The touch had felt so wrong, but at the same time so right, so_ natural. _

And he had leaned closer, and I had been able to feel his marble body against my own, and his warm breath on my skin...

And then that raven had decided that it was a good moment to start squawking. I didn't know why, but I had felt disappointment.

"I take it that you did like the top?" Alice asked after a moment, her voice trembling a bit with the suppressed laughter. I had forgotten she was waiting for my answer. Swallowing the venom pooling in my mouth, I tried to rid myself from the memories. I could return to them later - a good thing about being a vampire was that the memories were very sharp.

A sudden confusion and fright filled my mind after finishing my quiet thought.

Why would I want to return to that memory again? Why was it so significant to me? I wanted to kick myself. This was wrong.

Alice's golden-brown stare could have drilled holes to my face. I realised I was still quiet. Where was my ability to express myself verbally?

"Yeah," I mumbled, my chiming voice a little high-pitched. "I like the top."

Alice giggled, which caused me to believe that she was aware of that short intense moment in the woods.

"What's so funny?" I asked, my voice a little sharp and snappy.

"Nothing," she squeezed out. "I just wonder when you stop being so dense and blind."

"I'm not dense," I quipped. "Nor blind. But you're weird."

"Oh, I am weird," Alice acknowledged, smiling. "But I'm not sightless. No pun intended."

I rolled my eyes.

Alice continued, ignoring my reaction. "But you can be a little blind sometimes. And I'm sorry to say that you're not the only one."

I turned away from her, suddenly dreading where the conversation was going. "Or maybe you're not blind," Alice blabbered on from behind me. "You're just too stubborn to allow yourself to see."

With these mysterious words she darted downstairs, leaving me alone with my thoughts.

And it wasn't good when I was _too _alone with my thoughts.

Downstairs I heard Alice informing Rosalie that she was going to the town. I reckoned that she was going to go and buy that coat she had been daydreaming about. After a moment, the front door opened and closed. I waited for the sound of Emmett's jeep to start thundering in the garage, but it was very quiet. Apparently Alice had decided to run to the city.

The sound of a magazine opening was carried from downstairs. Someone flicked through the pages quickly and sighed.

Jasper and Emmett were outside in the forest, and Carlisle's shift wouldn't end until the late afternoon, so it was only Rosalie and me in the house.

Scary.

I abandoned the thought of going downstairs as soon as it entered my mind. Instead, I directed my soundless steps towards the staircase leading to the fourth floor.

With my mind going to overdrive, it was almost impossible to focus on reading my old books. I had actually considered starting to read them again, for real this time. I had used reading as an excuse for the past few days to have a reason to escape company, and to be alone with my grim thoughts. But now when I actually wanted to read in order to calm my thoughts, I found it difficult. How ironic.

I gave up after an hour and a half, my thoughts constantly returning to those few short seconds in the forest. Carlisle's hand on my skin, the way it had sent shivers all around my body, the way I had expected my heart to start pounding and go wild...

I had had those kind of moments before with him; only they were a little hazy because most of them had occured during my time as a human. But I could still remember - _taste _- the tension that occurred in those moments. It was almost like I had received an electrical charge. A very pleasant and enjoyable one.

It confused and befuddled me. And what was with Alice and her annoying innuendos? I couldn't understand what was going on.

According to Alice I was being dense and blind, but curiosity wasn't something I lacked entirely. And that curious part of my mind was now asking questions from me.

What would have happened, if that sudden sound hadn't intterupted us in that night? Where would have that moment led to?

The answer I received was a mental image of myself and Carlisle - it both scared and delighted me.

Guilt started gnawing me immediately. I knew that my thoughts and the emotions Carlisle sometimes ignited within me were inappropriate and wrong. And I was ashamed; what would Carlisle think if he knew? He was my friend, the first person I had been able to reveal little bits and pieces of myself, to talk about the things that were going through my messed up head. I didn't want to lose his friendship.

I decided to push those thoughts and feelings aside, and lock them in a box. And then I would bury it in the darkest corner of my broken heart, and throw away the key. It was a good decision, and an easy one. I was good at making decisions. And I was even better when I had to avoid my own mind.

That's what happens when you lie to yourself long enough. You learn to manipulate yourself, and eventually you believe all the untruths you feed to your brain.

The flash of Carlisle's golden stare managed to escape, and it filled my mind. The way his smooth skin brushed against my bare neck...

Damn it.

Forget it already.

Next desicion: talk to Rosalie, no matter how scary and beautiful she looks. No matter how many self-esteems of teenage girls and adult women she has destroyed by merely being in the same room with them. No matter how much she blames and hates me at the moment.

I abandoned my copy of _Jane Eyre,_ and stood up from the cream-colored couch.

I thought that I might as well practise walking in human pace as I made my way downstairs. I still had the propensity to walk too fast even without realising it. And I was in no hurry to get to my destination.

But it turned out that the three staircases weren't that much of a journey, even when walked slowly. Soon I found myself standing in the hallway that led towards the living room.

I took a needless breath, the smell of violets and sweet musk filling my senses.

Then, with a slow and calculated step, I arrived into the lion's den.

Rosalie looked like a goddess, even when doing something so simple like sitting down on the couch. She lifted her golden gaze from the magazine she was reading, her expression blank. The other one of her perfectly shaped eyebrows rose questioningly.

This was starting off better than I had thought - at least she didn't seem hostile. But I didn't allow it fool me.

I swallowed and took a seat on the other couch, leaning my elbows stiffly against my knees. I kept my gaze on the small table in front of me, cursing quietly in my mind that I hadn't planned what I would say to her. But I stifled the urge to storm out of the room and hide. I refused to be so sissy.

Rosalie surprised me by being the one who spoke the first words. And the fact that her words contained no accusations or snarls, surprised me even more.

"So you managed to stay alive during Alice's fashion attack?" she asked, her smooth voice floating in the quiet room.

I glanced at her. She had let her gaze drop to the magazine again.

"Yeah," I answered, a small part of my brain wondering how happy Rosalie would be if I _hadn't_ survived Alice's fashion attack.

Silence fell again, and it seemed that Rosalie had decided not to say anything else.

I tried to fill my mind with warm thoughts, and imagined that I was somewhere else when I decided that it was my turn to talk.

_Say something. Anything._

Maybe I should have written a letter.

"Rosalie," I said before I could convince myself to move to Antarctica, or to some place else that lacked the luxury of communications.

She glanced up from the magazine again, directing her gaze of steel towards me.

I took a deep breath again, and avoided her gaze. "There's a lot of things I should say to you," I muttered. "I just don't know where to start."

"Neither do I," she said flatly, earning another gaze from me.

I felt the rest of my courage disappearing somewhere. But I refused to run away from the situation. I didn't want to be that weak. "I know you don't like me," I began, deciding that it was best if I was just honest and spoke my mind. "And you have a good reason for it. Most of the time I don't like myself either," I blabbered.

Rosalie gave a laugh at my words, but sobered after a moment. She pierced me with her relentless gaze. "What is this good reason of yours, Bella?" she asked. "To not to like you?"

Wasn't it obvious? Maybe she just wanted me to say it out loud - maybe it brought her some sort of satisfaction if she heard me pronouncing it.

"Because..." I had to take another calming breath. The situation was making me vulnerable, and my instincts told me to run, to escape this moment that was making me feel this way. I was going to lay open one of my darkest thoughts, and no matter how flagrantly obvious it was for the both of us, it didn't make saying it out loud any easier.

"Because," I tried again, "if it wasn't for me, you would still have your whole family together."

There. I had said it, but deliberately didn't mention any names. I hoped it wouldn't hurt that much if I didn't.

Wrong.

Rosalie was quiet for a long time. For the first time today I felt grateful that the house was empty, and no one was here to listen our conversation. And I realised that maybe Alice had organized it that way, so we could have some privacy.

I knew how Carlisle would react if he were here to hear my words. He would be upset that I thought that way. He had tried to convince me several times, tried to make me believe that I couldn't have changed the turn of events. That I wasn't the one to blame.

Sometimes I was able to believe him. Sometimes.

But Carlisle wasn't here now to soothe my mind. He was at the hospital, unreachable. He could have been on the other side of the world and I wouldn't have felt the difference - it didn't matter how long or short the distance was. All I knew that he wasn't here to make me feel better.

Instead, I was sitting alone in a room with a grieving woman who had lost her mother and brother.

Rosalie's blonde locks tumbled down her shoulders as she shifted and lifted her gaze to me.

"I used to think that way some time ago," she said. Her words weren't any surprise for me. The only confusion bubbled from the past tense she was using. "I wanted to hate you," she continued. "And I did, to some extent." Her voice was more quiet now.

I didn't stop her stream of words. I wanted to hear what she had to say.

"I wanted someone to blame. You were the reason we moved, after all."

She still didn't tell me anything new, but I felt a stab in my heart nonetheless as she let her words hang in the air.

"But then..." she shook her head, and for the first time I saw Rosalie Hale looking confused and unsure. The sight was perplexing.

"But then I realised, that even if you were the reason behind our departure, you hadn't insisted on it yourself."

I gave a confused laugh, breaking my personal promise to remain quiet. "Of course I didn't insist on it. I didn't want you to leave."

Rosalie nodded mutely. "That's the thing. When Edward started making demands that we leave Forks immediately, I agreed with him. And I left gladly, with my conscience clean and spotless."

I looked at her with my face blank, now having no idea where she was getting at. It felt silly to sit here with her, firing each other with things that were self-evident.

"But when Edward and Esme..." Rosalie frowned and lowered her gaze. Her eyes were tormented before they disappeared under her pale lids. "But when Edward and Esme... died. " She drew in a trembling breath. "Did I blame Jasper or Emmett for not being present when we were attacked? Did I blame the deceased Edward for making that decision to leave Forks? For causing his own death, and Esme's? Did I blame Carlisle, or did I blame Alice for not seeing in her visions what was going to happen?" She swallowed, her voice a mere whisper. "Did I blame myself for encouraging our moving?"

I sat quietly.

"No," Rosalie answered to her own question, lifting her gaze back at me. "Because why would I question my own innocence in the matter? Or anyone else's in my family? It was so easy to blame you," Rosalie continued, her tone softening a bit. "It was Emmett who got me thinking eventually," she confessed, a sudden tender smile rising to her lips. "And I had to ask myself: why was I immediately so willing to blame you when you really hadn't had the choice to influence in our decision to move? Why did I take Carlisle's, and Jasper's, and Alice's and even my own innocence for granted, even when we'd had a much bigger impact on the outcome? Even when I had stood by Edward, constantly nodding along and defending his decision to move to Alaska right away?"

It took me a moment to realise that her questions weren't rhetorical anymore. After a moment of silence I glanced at her, and I realised that she was waiting for my answer.

And I gave her a truthful answer. It was the only thing I could offer. "Because I feel that you're right when blaming me."

Rosalie shook her head, and for a moment she looked irritated. "Try again," she urged with her silky voice. "Why it was so easy for _me_?"

"Because you despised me already," I breathed another self-evidence. "You don't like me that much."

Rosalie closed her eyes. "_Yes._ It was easier to be unfair towards you than accept that what's happened has happened. And to accept the fact that maybe none of us had a chance to prevent the things that happened."

A sudden agony shone in Rosalie's eyes, and it was only now when I truly realised that she had been the last person to see Edward and Esme alive. And a part of me understood her wrath towards the world; I guess no one could survive without any scars after seeing something like that. That someone rips your family members to pieces...

I winced and stopped myself from thinking any further. Rosalie's light voice startled me.

"Did you ever know why I didn't like you, Bella?"

I had thought that it was because I had interfered with their lives. A vague human memory creeped into my mind, the voice of Edward telling me that Rosalie wanted to be a human, like I had been.

"How much do you know about me? About my human past?" she asked when I didn't answer the first question.

"Not much, really."

Rosalie snorted humourlessly and nodded. "Would you like to hear my story, Bella? It doesn't have a happy ending - but which of ours does? If we had happy endings, we'd all be under gravestones now."

Her tone was partly amused and partly grim as she started to tell her story after I had given her a nod. She told about her early life, and about the role she had in her family, and about her parents and the importance when it came to social position. She told me about the things she had been looking forward in her life, acknowledging her shallowness with a humourless chuckle.

"Admiration was like air to me, Bella. I was silly and shallow, but I was content," she told.

She told me about her jealosy towards her friend who'd had a baby - and how she yearned for one. In addition to the material things she had wanted, such as a huge and modern house, she had craved for something that was much more important and meaningful. A loving husband, and a child of her own.

And then she told me about a rich young man - Royce King - who had seemed to be everything she had ever dreamed of. They had been engaged before she had known him even for two months.

"I no longer felt jealosy towards Vera," Rosalie said, her tone suddenly blank. "I dreamed of my own children with curly hair and dimples, playing on the huge lawns on King's estate. And I pitied her."

Her teeth clenched, and I prepared for the sharp turn of the story - no happy endings, she had promised.

"One night, I was visiting Vera and her husband and their little Henry. The child was adorable, and I couldn't wait until I could have my own one." Rosalie snorted joylessly again and gritted her teeth.

"I hadn't realised it was so late when I left her house. The weather was cold, and I worried for my wedding - the occasion was only two weeks away. I didn't want the rain or chilliness to ruin my perfect day."

Her face was somber and her eyes cold when she continued. "I wasn't far from home when I heard a group of men laughing loudly under a broken street lamp. One of them called my name, and I realised it was Royce. They were all drunk and laughing stupidly.

"'Here's my Rose!' he yelled like an idiot. And I was also an idiot - an idiot enough not to run away and comprehend the situation. Before I even knew it, he had grabbed me and torn away my coat while his friends laughed with him as they humiliated me."

I had a feeling that had I been a human, I would feel sick right now. I had stopped breathing, horror nailing me to the spot.

"They seemed to enjoy my cries of pain, even those quiet ones, such as when Royce tore the hat out of my head, and the pins wrenched my hair from the roots..."

Rosalie stared blankly at the table, the magazine wrinkled between her fingers.

"After they were done they left me in the street, probably thinking I was dead. And you have no idea how much I wanted to be," she said, glancing at me.

She got to the point when Carlisle had found her - he had carried her to his current home, and bitten her to save her life. She told me how she had wanted to die, and how she had begged for it. I winced when I remembered my own moments of transformation.

It seemed to take a lot from her to mention Edward, and how he had questioned and despised Carlisle's decision to save Rosalie.

"I was used to being instantly admired by men," Rosalie said. "And it irritated me that Edward held no interest towards me. He held no interest towards any women he came across. And then he met you," she said, her words a mere whisper.

"And I was vain enough that I minded, even when I loved him only as a brother. I couldn't understand why he was so enthralled to be in love with a human - and at the same time I wanted to _be_ you. Because you were a human. You had all the chances in a world to get everything I had ever wanted to have."

Her words left me reeling, not only because she had mentioned Edward so many times. And suddenly I knew it was as much difficult for her to say his name, as it was for me to hear.

"Do you now understand Bella? Why I was so unfair to you?" Rosalie asked, wrenching me from my thoughts.

I nodded. "I think I do," I said quietly. "Thank you for... helping me understand."

We sat in silence for a long time. I wondered how much the dynamic between us had changed. I knew we had taken the first step towards being able to tolerate each other, but I doubted that we could ever be the best of friends.

But this was the start, at least.

I still didn't quite know how to be in her company, even after Jasper and Emmett returned from the forest, causing the atmosphere in the room lightening a little. I noticed Rosalie throwing me glances every now and then, and I couldn't tell if she meant to study me or glower at me.

Jasper kneeled in front of the fireplace and busied himself with starting the fire. Emmett had flopped onto the couch beside Rosalie, drawing her under his huge arm.

He didn't hold any grudge towards me anymore because of losing in the arm wrestle a few nights ago. After abusing the boulder, he had been fuming for a couple of minutes, but after that he was the same Emmett, teasing and tantalizing everyone. He had probably decided to wait a few months before challenging me again until he could be sure about winning.

Soon the sound of Carlisle's Mercedes could be heard from the highway as he turned the car to the small road that led to the house. The sound was welcome - I realised that I had missed his company. As forbidden as it was for me to miss him.

Emmett had started bombarding me with questions, like what did I think about my first few days as a vampire, or had I found my favorite prey among the animals yet.

"You should try mountain lions," he suggested at the same time when I heard Carlisle stepping through the front door. Alice came right after him, and I guessed that Carlisle had picked her up from the town.

Jasper and Rosalie nodded agreeingly at Emmett's mountain lion -comment.

Carlisle didn't come to the living room with us like I had expected him to. I heard him hurrying straight upstairs after getting inside the house.

"Where's the fire, Carlisle?" Emmett laughed. I heard Carlisle snorting softly, but otherwise he ignored Emmett's comment.

Alice stepped inside the living room a shopping bag in her hand. I looked at her in confusion, wondering if something was wrong with Carlisle.

"Carlisle will be down in a few minutes. He had a bloody day at the hospital and didn't want you to get uncomfortable because of the scent," she explained. The sound of the shower spray turning on could be heard from upstairs.

I raised my brow in surprise.

"Yeah, the smell of blood clings to his clothes very bad sometimes," Jasper drawled and grimaced immediately. I didn't know if his words were meant to be an innocent statement, or a warning.

The casual conversation carried on when the others started debating on which animal had the most foul flavor, and which one the best.

I didn't know how long it would take until I could actually be able to distinguish the different flavors between different animals, and I certainly didn't have enough experience to start comparing and join the conversation. Those few times when I had hunted, I had been sticking with moose and deer. And I knew they didn't taste very good.

Listening to the others speaking about different aromas and flavors caused the thirst flare in my throat. Trying to swallow the burn away, I took a deep breath and noticed Jasper throwing me a cautious glance. He changed the subject of the conversation smoothly after noting my discormfort. I gave him a grateful smile, in which he returned with a nod.

Alice started her report about the coat she had indeed managed to find from the store, threatening to take me there once I was in control of myself. I wondered how long it would take - there was obviouly no particular time frame. Jasper had said that it could take months or years.

I didn't really miss or enjoy being among a bunch of swarming people, but I wondered how crazy I would go if I had to be locked inside the house for years before doing something as simple as to go into the town. It was lucky that I wasn't much of a social person.

Carlisle came downstairs after a moment, wearing a pair of blue jeans and a black sweater. He smelled like soap and shampoo as he sat down next to me, his golden hair brushed back and wet from the shower. It took me a lot of effort to tear my gaze away from him.

I realised I had never seen his hair completely wet - the sight was disarming. Vampires didn't need to shower that often as humans did. I had only showered once after my transformation, not wanting to waste more water since I really didn't need cleaning up.

I had an urge to sniff my hair to make sure I didn't smell bad. But I was pretty sure I didn't. I didn't emit sweat or grease or any other bodily fluids, and I had managed to hunt without dipping myself into a pool of mud or something. That was a talent which Emmett should practise sometime. Or maybe he just enjoyed getting dirty - almost everytime I had seen him coming from the forest, he had been either all smudgy or his clothes had been torn.

"How was your day?" I asked from Carlisle as he reached out to take a medical journal from the small table in front of him. Alice had said that his day had been bloody - that couldn't be good. I knew that Carlisle took it hard if something went wrong in the hospital, or if he didn't manage to save someone's life. He took it as his personal responsibility, as if he had failed or something.

"Busy," Carlisle answered, giving me a tired smile. "A long surgery took most of my time today," he added.

"How did it go?"

Carlisle seemed surprised that I showed interest in his work. But then the surprise faded away as pleasure took over his features. I enjoyed the way his eyes lighted up when he started to talk about his job. It was easy to see that being a doctor meant much to him.

"Quite well, actually. The patient we operated on was stable when my shift ended, but it's too soon to tell if he recovers completely. The next hours will tell," he said quietly.

"I'm sure he will be okay," I said, trying to reassure him. "He's your patient, after all. You could save anyone."

Carlisle's eyes were sad, as was his smile. "I wish that were true," he whispered, giving a soft pat on my back.

After a moment he suggested that I should go hunting with him, stating that he didn't want my thirst to get too uncomfortable. I hadn't hunted in a few days, and I knew he should hunt too. The golden shade of his eyes was turning darker day after day.

Later as we stepped outside, it was still quite bright despite of the heavy layer of clouds. The afternoon sun was hiding behind the grey veil, causing the sky look depressed.

And the weather was depressed, too. The snow had started to melt, the white substance turning into dirty slush before slowly transforming into water. I wrinkled my nose with disgust when the wettness seeped through my sneakers.

Carlisle noted my reaction to the weather. "Not a fan of the winter, are you?" he asked as we ran into the forest.

I huffed, suddenly realising that I could never live in a sunny place anymore. My physical appearance couldn't allow it. "Not really," I chuckled. "The first time I saw snow was in Forks actually, soon after I had moved there," I revealed accidentally. I bit my tongue, not really wanting to think about that short time I had spend in the small town. I'd had the luck to spend one of my most happiest times in there, but also one of my most dreadful moments. Now that place was filled with only unhappy memories, and with scars that would never heal.

"Really?" Carlisle asked, surprised. His golden hair had started to dry in the breeze, only to get wet again because it started to rain. My own dark locks were getting moist too, and they whipped again my shoulders.

I shrugged as I ran, the movement easy but uncomfortable because of our speed. "I grew up in California and Arizona, after all," I remarked, again hoping that I could bite my tongue off so I would stop firing those stupid utterings that brought back too many memories.

Luckily Carlisle didn't ask anything more, and I didn't give him a chance to - I had heard the familiar sound of fluttering heartbeats at northeast.

I let Carlisle show the way this time, being curious to see how he hunted. And who knew if I could learn something from him.

I had always thought that Carlisle was the most human of all the Cullens. Maybe it was because of his compassion, or the way he was always so kind and eager to help everyone. I felt that it was more of his nature to be a human than to be a predator.

That's why it was a bit unsettling for me to see him crouching down like a lion, his motionless eyes directed at the herd of deer below the cliff. I was so focused on watching his him that it took me a moment to realise why he was waving at me - he wanted me to find the prey from the same herd.

We pounced almost at the same time towards the herd. While I used my other senses - and my teeth - to immobilize a small buck, my eyes were still on Carlisle, observing him.

Even when hunting his humanity showed. He didn't cause any unnecessary pain to the deer he had caught, preventing it from suffering in vain. It was reasonable to keep the prey alive at least for a moment so that the blood would continue to circulate, making drinking easier.

But Carlisle was quick and prompt - and neat. He didn't get any blood on himself, nor mud or the wet slush. I had a lot of things to learn.

It started to sleet as we wandered in the forest after hunting. A part of me wanted to climb higher up to the mountains because the weather was colder and more dry over there. I had seen from the window earlier today that the mountain tops were still covered with white snow. Maybe it was so cold in there that it never melted.

Carlisle didn't seem to be bothered by the wet substance falling from the sky, and I decided I wouldn't either. I was in no hurry to go back at the house and to be locked inside the walls. It was better to get to spend time outdoors when I had the chance.

"I talked to Rosalie today," I muttered after the silence had lasted for a while as we continued our sauntering.

Carlisle glanced up from the ground to smile at me as he walked forward leisurely. "Yes, Alice told me you would," he stated, confirming my earlier suspicions that Alice had partially orchestrated the situation. "How did it go?" Carlisle asked, a tinge of worry coloring his tone.

I raised my brow, brushing the freezing ice chips from my eyelashes. "Better than I thought, I think. We were able to clarify a few things," I answered evasively. I didn't want Carlisle to expect that I would immeadiately get along with Rosalie - that was just impossible.

"That's good," Carlisle hummed approvingly with his low tenor. "Is everything alright?"

"I guess," I mumbled. "I don't know, I mean... It's obvious that we'll never be as thick as thieves or anything. But I think we'll be okay, someday." The relationship between Rosalie and myself had to work out somehow - how else would we be able to stand each other for the rest of eternity?

Carlisle nodded, and I was glad he didn't press the matter - he was simply listening if I happened to be willing to say anything else. He demanded nothing, and yet he was giving all of himself, willing to sacrifice his time for me.

He was so wonderful. Undemanding and patient... I didn't deserve a friend like him. I had nothing to give him back.

I was just about to ask him a question about the time when Emmett had joined the family, when the wind suddenly changed and made my thoughts scatter.

The breeze brought something into my nostrils, something that I hadn't been prepared for - it was a smell I could never prepare myself for. I could spend years or decades, or the rest of my existence smelling that aroma, and I would never get used to it. Never.

A human.

I couldn't describe with words how wonderful it was to draw in more of that sweet flavor. My instincts kicked in at the same second, and before I even knew it I had sprinted towards the source of that scent.

Because nothing else mattered to me in that moment - only the pain in my throat that I knew would lessen after tasting that warm blood. I literally felt myself slipping out of control, but I didn't care - I couldn't care. The tree branches shattered as I flung them out of my away as I ran, faster than ever before.

I could vaguely hear footstps behind me, along with the anxious calls of my name. But I had no space in my mind for those sounds. The only stimulus I could pay attention to was that scent.

The wet slush splashed under my feet as I navigated my way towards the destination. Only a couple of miles anymore... The flames burned my throat again, making the breath hitch in my windpipe.

Nothing mattered. Nothing but that wet, warm blood I was about to taste. Nothing. Not even the loud yells, more desperate now than before, not the fast footsteps that were reaching me, second after second. My instincts told me to turn around and defend myself against the following challenger. But the thirst was too much - I couldn't stop.

"Bella!" the panicked voice shouted. "Bella, stop!"

I felt someone grab my shoulder, and a heavy weight came crushing over me, shoving and pinning me roughly against the wet ground. I snarled furiously as I tried to push the rival away. My foot collided with something hard, and my fingers clawed the marble skin.

"Bella! Bella, listen to me!"

The voice was cut off when I managed to kick the invador away. I heard a cry of pain and turned to see Carlisle flying through the air a few yards away from me.

I didn't stick around to wait - the burn in my throat was urging me on as I pushed myself up from the wet ground.

The sweet scent was closer, and now the pain got really bad - it was more difficult to focus on anything. The sound of the heartbeat a few hundred metres away called me in, the smell on tangerine and flowers filling my lungs... I had no control over anything. The small, still functioning part of my mind warned me that I was going to take someone's life, but that part of my mind wasn't in control right now. It was subdued by another, more primal one. And I had no strength to overpower it. And I didn't want to.

Maybe it was my lack of focus that enabled Carlisle to jump at me again; of course I had heard him following, but nothing was more important to me than that sweet-smelling prey, and I had to get there, as fast as possible.

Suddenly strong arms hugged my calves and I collided with the wet ground again. I was able to give out a single angry hiss before Carlisle had crawled over my back, pinned me against the ground, and blocked my airways - his pale hand covered my nostrils and mouth as he pressed hard. His grip was painful against my sensitive skin.

I wriggled and trashed under him, feeling the back of my head shoving against his chin, but he allowed me no more space to move. His breaths came in rasps as he pattered urgent words into my ear.

"Don't breath, Bella!" he commanded. "Don't draw a single breath, do you understand!"

Maybe it was something in his voice that got to me, pushed itself through my feral state of mind. But as crazy as it felt at the moment, I obeyed.

When there was no sense of smell to drive me frenzy, I found it easier to think.

It took me a moment to realise, to really comprehend, what was happening.

Carlisle's fingers dug against the skin of my cheeks and chin, his other hand holding my wrist. My other arm was pinned under my own body as his body pressed me against the wet ground.

I let out a quiet, suppressed whimper. Partly because of the pain that was caused by Carlisle's tight and relentless grip, and partly because of the sound of the heartbeat that was only a few hundred yards away.

And then it really sunk in.

Someone was out there, in the woods - a defenseless human - and I had been about to go and kill that person who had done nothing to harm me. Only to satisfy my thirst.

I flinched when the pain in my throat tore me again as I remembered the smell of the sweet human blood. I would have gasped in horror if I had been able to - Carlisle was still sealing my airways with his palm, his thumb and forefinger piching my notrils shut. He noticed my attempt to draw a breath, and tightened his hold of me. It hurt.

"Get me out," I whimpered against his palm, my panicked words coming out muffled and unclear. I didn't know if he could make any sense of my words, and I felt his form stiffening on top of me, like I had surprised him somehow.

Two slowly painful seconds passed, and then with one fluid emotion he pulled me up from the slushy ground, keeping his hand on my mouth and nose. He half carried and half dragged me away, and for the first time during my few days as a vampire it felt difficult to stay upwards and in balance. I tried to keep in step with him, but it was hard because my feet didn't touch the ground all the time - Carlisle had wrapped his other arm around my hip, and he partly lifted me up as he whisked me away through the trees.

I was able to be glad and grateful of his presence - if it wasn't for him, the population of this town would be one person shor by now.

Who was it who had it been in the forest? Whose life had been hanging by a thread, without him even knowing it? Someone's child, someone's mother or father, someone's sister, or aunt or uncle or friend...

Something sharp pierced me, and I felt disgusted with myself. It was hate and revulsion I had never felt before with this kind of magnitude. If Carlisle hadn't been holding me upright, I would have crumbled underneath the sensation.

Miles passed as I drowned in my shame. I felt Carlisle loosening his painfully hard hold of me after a moment, even to that extent that he lowered me completely to my feet. He was still covering my face with his palm, but I didn't mind - I didn't care. I was too busy with loathing myself.

The journey back to the house felt like days, but eventually we were there. Carlisle released me at the front yard, and I barely registered Alice's tiny form standing on the porch waiting for us with the others, and I realised that they knew what had happened.

As soon as I felt Carlisle's touch leaving my skin, I stormed away, passing by the small staring group on the porch as I ran inside. I found myself satisfied that the front door was already open so I wouldn't have to focus my energy on not breaking it.

Three staircases and three and a half seconds later I was at the fourth floor. It took an unbelivably amount of strength to be able to open the door of my room and close it without tearing it off - although it did slam very loudly when I pushed it closed.

I curled up in the farthest corner of the room, pressing my forehead against my knees and locking my arms over my head. It was a poor attempt to hide or try to shield myself, and I had never wanted to be more invisible than in that moment. I vaguely realised that something wet was trickling down my forehead and hair - it smelled like water and mud combined. Something dripped down to the floor.

I didn't want to exist - why did I have to exist?

I heard Carlisle exchanging words with Jasper and Emmett, and he told with brief words what had happened. But it sounded like they didn't need much narration - I was sure Alice had filled them in pretty good. I heard Emmett cursing softly at something that Carlisle said. I blocked their conversation out of my mind, not wanting to listen anymore.

I was sure Carlisle would hate me now. He valued a human life more than anything, and I had almost taken one, blindly and without another thought. What if he hadn't been able to stop me?

And I remembered that I had kicked him, and snarled at him... I remembered his cry of pain when he had flown through the air...

The venom in my mouth was now bitter and acrid. But it was nothing compared to the sharp taste of shame.

Carlisle would never forgive me. How could I ever look him in the eye again? How could he ever look at me, now that he knew what kind of a vile monster I was? How weak, and incapable...

My eyes stung and my throat constricted, and I waited for the tears to come.

But there were no tears. I couldn't give a physical form to my feelings and shame. The only liquid in my eyes was the bitter venom - the same venom that had almost immobilized and killed that innocent human.

The quiet conversation downstairs quieted. After a few seconds someone climbed the staircases slowly - I recognized those steps. They were calm and composed, and as familiar as they always were.

The door of my room opened after a moment, and the measured steps came closer.

I heard him crouching down a few feets away from me. I wrapped myself more tighter, readying myself to take his anger and disappointment.

"Bella?"

His smooth voice made me flich, even though it held no anger or agitation. No repulsion or disgust. It puzzled me.

"Bella?" Carlisle asked again. "May I come closer?"

Why would he want to come closer? Why would he ask a permiossion?

I heard him shifting, slowly moving forward when I didn't answer. Warm fingers touched my knee.

A spontaneous hiss escaped my mouth, as if I didn't have enough reasons to be ashamed already. I felt Carlisle drawing his hand away carefully.

I wrapped myself into a ball, the tears I could never shed stinging my closed eyelids.

Moments passed. Carlisle was very still and quiet, as if waiting.

He could wait for all I cared - he could wait until the stupid world stopped turning, and I wouldn't move. Because I had decided - I would never set my foot outside again. It was a small price to pay if it meant to spare someone's life. If it spared Carlisle from having to be ashamed of me.

The house was quiet. I knew the others were still downstairs, or somewhere near the house. I expected it to bother me, but it didn't. I couldn't bring myself to care.

The silence lasted for minutes until Carlisle's smooth voice broke it.

"Bella,'' he whispered.

I kept myself from hissing this time, but words managed to escape.

"Go away."

It wasn't a manner I should treat someone who I was indebted to - for millions of reasons. And it certainly wasn't a way I should treat someone who had just saved me from being a criminal, someone who had prevented me from committing a murder.

But he didn't go away like I had told him to, nor did he remain silent.

"Why?" he asked.

Because I didn't want him here. Because I wasn't worthy of his company. Because I didn't deserve the time he was sacrificing for me.

I felt impure - polluted. I was sure it described my appearance at least from the outside. The slosh and mud had started to absorb through my clothing. The wetness felt cool against my marble skin.

Another touch, on my elbow this time. It made me crack open my eyelids. The wet denim on my knees was as dark as my mind was.

"Bella, do you realise what just happened?"

Carlisle's voice was gentle - it was gentleness I couldn't understand. But what I did understand, and accepted, was his lecture.

"Yes." The short whispered word came out as a dry sob.

Fingers trailed from my elbow to rest on my shoulder.

"Can you tell me what happened?"

His affectionate and soft voice was irritating me, and I selfishly hoped that he would yell or be openly angry. That would be easier to take.

"I almost killed someone," I slurred. "Someone innocent who I didn't even know."

The hand left my shoulder, but only for a short time. I heard him sliding forward to sit down next to me on the floor. The wall vibrated slightly when he leaned his back against it.

"But you didn't," he said quietly. "There was no harm done to that human. No one is angry at you, Bella," he whispered. "Don't be afraid of that."

Twenty different emotions surged through me, most of them portraying different tones of confusion.

Was he not angry with me what I had almost done? And how I had treated him?

I couldn't believe it. Surely he was lying to spare my feelings. To prevent me from feeling bad. Like I was some sort of a thermal detonator to be tiptoed around. Or a time bomb, waiting to explode.

In a way I was.

I opened my lock of limbs, lifting my head up from my knees and turning my face to the other way towards the wall. I couldn't look at him. My fingers clawed my moist hair, the movement almost neutoric as I plucked at the tangled locks.

"Just go," I said, keeping my voice as cool and distant as I could muster.

Maybe my cold words caused hurt to him, or maybe he had simply given up on having even one entirely whole and rational conversation with me - I couldn't tell the reason. But Carlisle got up, and walked out of the room. I heard the door close quietly behind him. The sound hurt more than it should have.

I had almost expected him to stay, so relentless and patient with me he always was. But he hadn't stayed. Maybe his patience had finally ran out.

And I realised, that I really hadn't wanted him to leave.

I had taken his staying for granted - I had taken _him_ for granted.

It disgusted me.

I wasn't allowed to wallow in my self-pity for long. Different footsteps came from downstairs, interfering with the ghostly silence of the house. These steps were different - calm, but brisk.

The door opened, revealing Jasper behind it.

I didn't know what to think, what to expect from him. But I felt relief in his presence - I didn't know if he caused it, or was it just so easy to be around someone who I didn't have to explain my feelings and reactions to.

The smell of musk and pears filled my notrils when he neared and situated himself four yards away from me in front of the large window. His posture was straight as it always was as he put his hands behind his back and looked outside. At the moment he looked like the man he had been in his human life; a major of an army.

He was quiet for a long time before starting to speak.

"It's difficult, isn't it?" he asked quietly, his accent heavy in the air. "You had thought of it, had tried to imagine it, maybe even tried to be prepared for it. Is that right?"

I didn't nod in order to agree; I didn't have to. But I did let my gaze rise to his golden eyes.

I knew Jasper was struggling the most being among humans. And I knew how much it bothered him. Before now I hadn't really understood him. But now I did. Now we had something in common.

My lack of answers didn't bother him as he continued. "It was something you never could have imagined, right?" He took two steps forward, squatting until he was on my eye-level.

"Tell me, Bella," he drawled, his gaze leaving my eyes for a moment. "What would you think if someday, I came home from a hunting trip with human blood reddening my irises?" he asked, his voice speculative.

I avoided his gaze, focusing my eyes on the red carpet at the center of the room. His question confused me.

Jasper continued again, not troubled by my lack of speech.

"Or what if Emmett's control slipped someday, or Alice's, or Rosalie's, despite of how much they struggled to stay focused. No matter how hard they fought against their instincts. What if they lost the battle against that primal part that is so deeply programmed in us?"

I had an idea now where he was headed with his questions. But even if I avoided his gaze, I couldn't block his voice from my head.

"I have to ask you, Bella. If some of us killed a human, accidentally of course, would you think less of that person?" Jasper's voice was gentle and strict at the same time. "Would you despise that person? Think of him as somehow inferior?"

I looked at him, my answer instantaneous and involuntary. "No."

Jasper looked approving and satisfied after being able to draw at least one word out of me. "So you're sayin' - ," he drawled with his low voice. " - that if Emmett came home tomorrow, and you learned that he has let his thirst get the better of him, you wouldn't despise him at all?"

I shook my head slowly.

Jasper's dark blonde hair framed his face as he studied me. "Then why do you allow failure and mistakes to others, but not to yourself? Why do you demand perfection from yourself when you can accept everyone else's flaws?"

"Because I'm not good enough." The words escaped from my mouth even if I didn't want them to.

Jasper snorted softly. "That's not true," he disagreed. Then he rose up from his crouch, his tall frame casting a shadow on the dark floor. "You should think about this. This is not the last time you'll find yourself in a similiar situation."

The warning was gentle, and spoken with wisdom. But it scared me anyway.

Was this how it had been for all of them? All this time?

"I didn't mean to intimidate you, Bella," Jasper said. "I just wanted you to know that almost all of us have been where you are now, looking back incidents and feeling regret. And you didn't even kill anyone today. The accident was prevented," he reminded. "And Carlisle tells me that you showed a great strength of character in that difficult situation."

Now I was seriously frowning, confused. I looked back at my moments of thirst and insanity, not finding even a second of clarity during the time when Carlisle had chased me.

"But..." I licked my lips, thinking hard. "If Carlisle hadn't stopped me, that human would be dead. There's no doubt of it." It felt silly to say those words aloud - they were obvious.

"It may be so," Jasper answered. "But Carlisle told us that you told him to get you out of there. And you had _let_ him to get you out of there."

I didn't find anything special in that. It was the least I could have done in that situation. "It doesn't matter," I argued.

Jasper cocked his head slightly. "You're wrong."

I avoided his gaze, thinking back my earlier harsh words to Carlisle - I had told him to leave me alone when he had wanted to support me. Guilt flared inside me. "I upset him. I didn't mean to hurt him," I sputtered quietly, venom stinging in my eyes again.

"Carlisle's not upset," Jasper reassured. "He just didn't want to crowd you."

After a moment of silence Jasper turned, but before walking to the door, he threw over his shoulder, "Think about what I said." He gave me a wry smile and opened the door, nodding to someone.

Carlisle stepped from the hall right after Jasper had left. I realised he had been there all the time. He hadn't gone far.

His appearance startled me a bit. I would have probably laughed if the situation had been a little lighter. His hair was moist and a little smudgy from the mud, as were his clothes. I realised that I probably didn't look any better. Maybe even worse.

He neared me cautiously after closing the door, his steps calm and more relaxed than before.

I wanted to apologize - to make him understand. But I didn't know how.

So I said the only words that I had. The only words that could even begin to overview the things he had to know.

"I'm sorry," I whispered.

A small smile lit his face, and he gave a quiet chuckle. His steps brought him closer, and then he reached out with his hands to help me up, like I was a still a human. Like I would need that little gesture to get to my feet. Like nothing had changed.

And I realised that he still saw me as that same Bella - not as the monster I thought I was.

I grabbed his palms with my both hands, and let him pull me up.

"Why should you apologize?" he whispered, keeping our hands linked. I knew his question was a rhetorical one, but I answered anyway.

"Because of many things," I stated, fixing my gaze at the spot of clay that covered his shoulder. "For making you all muddy, for instance. And that I kicked you."

His laughter was more free this time, like whispers of dry leaves falling to the ground. His reaction made me look up into his golden eyes.

His hand rose to my face, his fingers wiping my chin and the tip of my nose. I felt the mud stains leave my skin - his touch was affectionate.

"You have nothing to apologize for, Bella," Carlisle insisted. "But I would like to make an apology myself, for not being more careful earlier. I should have made sure that the area was clear from humans before taking you there. The national parks are more close to that part of the mountains," he told quietly.

I didn't want him to take the blame; I refused to. I shook my head, trying to make him believe that it hadn't been his fault. Was this how he felt most of the time with me? When he was reassuring me if I felt guilty about something?

"Don't," I pleaded. "Don't be sorry. And it won't happen again. I'll do anything to prevent that situation again," I promised, not knowing how true my promise could be - I still remembered the way my instincts had taken over my mind. And I really had had no control over myself.

How could I ever learn to be around humans?

Carlisle nodded, his face suddenly solemn. "So will I," he promised. And I believed him.

Jasper had wanted to know why I demanded flawlessness from myself, when I didn't ask it from the rest of them. He had asked that why I denied myself from failing, but allowed it when it came to the others.

I didn't know.

But as Carlisle held my hands and looked at me, I realised that he accepted me despite of those flaws I despised in myself, despite of the flaws I tried to avoid having. He didn't expect perfection from me, even when I expected that from myself.

He looked at me with patient eyes; like I was allowed to make mistakes and fall down every once in a while. He looked at me like I was a human.

And it was the best compliment I could imagine.

* * *

**AN:  
**The song Alice is singing at the beginning is Lemon tree by Fools Garden. I used to yell out that song as a kid - I didn't know a word of English and I barely knew how to speak my own language. But I didn't allow it to slow me down. Good times :)

The interaction between Rosalie and Bella turned out to satisfy me. They still are a little awkward, and it takes a long time before they can trust each other. I slipped in a line or two from book Eclipse (Stephenie Meyer owns. Dang.) when Rosalie shares her story.

Bella's self-control in Breaking Dawn was something that always irritated me a bit - I think she got away too easily by her superior self-control. Her ending was a little 'too happy'. Maybe I'm sadistic or something because I wanted her to put a little more effort in being a bad vampire. Stephenie made her skip the newborn-phase almost completely, and I was a little disappointed.

Which is why I decided to explore that side of Bella in my story. You can see glimpses of control in her when she asks Carlisle to take her away from that human, for instance, but her self-control isn't nearly as good as it is in Breaking Dawn. I'm curious how this event will affect in her state of mind.

I'm working on the next chapter currently, and it'll be posted in a few days :) I hope you enjoy, and have a happy Valentine's day!


	34. Chapter 34: Pledge

**Stephenie Meyer owns Twilight, the cannon characters and plots etc. If I owned Twilight, I'd make it so that Carlisle would divorce Esme so _I _could marry him. Sigh.  
**

**Does he have to be so hot? It's a crime.**

* * *

_**There's things I've been meaning to tell you**_  
_**There's things that I've just got to say**_  
_**So lets go for a walk **_  
_**Somewhere quiet to talk**_  
_**Maybe you'll see it my way**_

**_I felt for a while we've been drifting_**  
**_With no reason to stay or to go_**  
**_But I hope that whatever wind blew us together_**  
**_ Is stronger than we even know_**

- The Bridge, _Heartland _-

* * *

CPOV

Huge, feather-sized snowflakes floated in the air slowly as I steered my car towards home one late evening. The thin layer of snow that had covered the ground for the past weeks had almost managed to melt during the last few days. The ground had slowly managed to reveal itself, only to be covered with the white veil once again.

I had spent the last fifteen hours inside the hospital walls, and it had been a slight surprise for me to step outside on the white parking lot. I had gotten used to the dirty and slushly asphalt that had dominated the city for the past days, and the pure white scenery had actually managed to amaze me.

But the world was suchlike; full of surprises, and reasons to be amazed.

The lights of the house greeted me soon and severed my thoughts, but only for a moment. After taking the car into the garage, I stepped back outside into the clean air, taking a deep breath. Rare things in this world could rival to the scent and feel of the freshly landed snow.

Quiet whispers coming from the dark forest pulled me from my thoughts.

"But I don't want to!" a heated voice whispered. Bella's chiming voice was easy to recognize.

"Shh, he'll hear you," Emmett murmured quietly. I raised my brow in confusion, wondering what was causing their agitated conversation.

"You see?" Emmett grumbled, now with a normal voice. "Now we lost the element of surprise."

Bella huffed. "It's not nice, surprise or no surprise. Emmett, don't - !"

Her sentence was cut off with a sharp intake of breath, and I heard something whizzing through the air. I lifted my briefcase in front of me just in time, conveniently blocking the huge snowball which Emmett had without a doubt aimed at me. The snowball splattered against the the briefcase, the white substance scattering all around.

"See?" Emmett preached. "That happens when you lose the element of surprise, kid."

"Stop calling me that!" Bella snarled. "You're like, what, seventy or something? And I'm not the one who's throwing snowballs at innocent people."

Emmett only laughed.

Bella darted from the woods, stopping a few yards away from me, Emmett right behind her. She looked apologisingly at me, giving Emmett a scolding look before nudging him. The touch was light, but it caused him to rasp out and after a second he was sprawled on the ground on his back, his limbs pointing at all directions.

"Oops!" Bella exclaimed, her palm raising to her mouth. "I'm so sorry, I didn't mean to..."

Emmett looked stunned as he gaped at Bella from the ground. He took the hand she offerred to him, and with one yank he was on his feet again.

I watched the scene with warmth in my heart.

"Sorry about the snowball," Emmett said to me with a grin.

"You have no reason to apologize," I chuckled. "Because I know you're not at all regretful. Except for the fact that you didn't manage to hit me."

Emmett shrugged at Bella, his grin widening. "He's right," he confessed. After that he stomped his way inside the house.

Bella kept her distance, and I noticed she hadn't drawn a single breath during the conversation. We had made an agreement that I wouldn't change my clothes right away after coming home from the hospital - Bella hoped that she would get used to the smell of humans better. I knew it must be uncomfortable for her, but she continued our new pattern anyway. And I had a feeling that it was getting easier for her.

A few days ago when Bella had caught that human scent in the forest, she had taken a new stance towards the difficult subject. But she still wasn't so eager to leave the house in the fear of repeating the incident, and I knew that it was soon time to persuade her to go hunting again. It wouldn't be easy.

"Is Emmett introducing you to the secrets of mischief?" I asked, not able to keep the smile from my voice.

Bella gave a short laugh. "Yeah. He's been like that whole day. Maybe he thinks that it's his personal responsibility to teach me how to properly harass people until they go crazy."

Emmett's thundering voice sounded from the house, along with Jaspers chuckle. "Someone's got to teach you the manners," he defended himself.

"'Manners' is the key word," Rosalie remarked from the second floor, her voice teasing and affectionate at the same time.

Bella smiled and snorted softly. She still hadn't drawn a single breath after nearing me - I knew she must be getting uncomfortable.

"I'm coming straight from a surgery," I warned her. Until now my days at the hospital hadn't contained assignments that included that much blood - this was the first time during this week. Bella had settled with getting used to the human scent that clung to my clothes, but I wondered how much more difficult it would be for her when the light smell of blood was combined.

Bella nodded, her face sombering. I saw her hands balling into fists, her posture stiffening.

"Just say the word if you're getting too uncomfortable," I requested.

Her notrils flared as she breathed in cautiously. It was good that we were still outdoors - the wind was diluding the smell a bit.

Bella took another careful breath and then clenched her eyes tightly shut. I took a few steps back, hoping that the distance would make it easier for her to tolerate the scent.

A groan of pure agony escaped between her lips, and she raised her palms to her ears as if to block a sound.

"This is enough for today," I said, deciding that it was the time to stop. I hated to see her in so much pain. "Don't try too hard."

Bella shook her head, opening her eyes. "No. Give me a moment," she pleaded. She swallowed almost convulsively, and then took another breath.

I had to admire her willpower - she was so strong and relentless when she had decided something. I couldn't help but feel proud of her. She was only a couple of weeks old, and already she was willing to fight against her instincts. Instincts that were overwhelming and powerful, and she took it as a challenge. It was amazing.

She was amazing.

Trembling palms rose to cover her mouth after a few more seconds. Then she was only a blur to an eye as she darted towards the tree line.

After getting a few dozen yards away she turned, looking mortified. "I'm sorry," she whispered into the night.

"It's alright," I reassured. "You did well." My words sounded lame even in my own ears; it had been a good accomplishment for a newborn.

I didn't know if Bella believed me. Her gaze dropped to the ground, and she seemed disappointed in herself.

I told her to wait for a few minutes, and then I swiftly made my way into the house and rushed through the shower, trying to scrub the smell of the hospital away from my hair and skin. Then I dressed myself with clean and fresh clothes, choosing the first pair of slacks I could find, along with a blue sweater. After putting on my shoes I made my way back outside.

Bella was sitting on a huge boulder near the forest, grazing the snow-covered surface with her pale fingers. It looked like she was drawing pictures and patterns to the snow. I had to stop and savor the scene before me. She looked like a magical being while sitting there, like a fairy who had escaped from the pages of a storybook. Her long brown hair cascaded over her shoulders like a veil of silk.

She had heard me coming outside, and probably wondered why I wasn't coming any closer, or then she had sensed my intense stare, lifting her red gaze to meet my eyes.

I made the rest of the way to her. Her presence called me in, and with a startle I realised that I would travel around the world by foot and without a stop to get to her. If she sailed in the middle of an ocean, I would swim incessantly, only to see the way the water reflected from her irises, and to find out if the ocean was as fathomless as her eyes were.

I felt intoxicated, drunk from her presence. The feeling was pleasant and troublesome at the same time.

"What's that smile for?" Bella asked as she continued her idle drawing. A slight, curious frown adorned her pale face.

"No particular reason," I responded quietly, making the rest of the way to her. "Feeling artistic?" I queried as I noted the figures she had drawn to the snow.

She gave out a short, sheepish laugh. "Not really. Just thinking."

I knew I had to ask, and I knew as well that she would give me no answer, but I spoke anyway, hoping that someday she would grace me with revealing her thoughts to me.

"About what?" I asked.

She slid off the boulder soundlessly, her black sneakers touching the ground with a quiet thud. "Nothing special really," she muttered as she wiped away her drawings from the snow.

A part of me had been curious of those figures, and suddenly I found myself resentful because I hadn't had the time to see the patterns she had drawn. It was like I was continuously looking for hints and clues so I could understand her better - she was so remote and withdrawn all the time, not willing to share the thoughts that troubled her. The incident in the forest a few days ago certainly hadn't relieved the situation.

Jasper had narrated her feelings to me before we had tried to talk to her on that day; he had said that she felt guilty and ashamed. Those were the feelings I had been prepared for, even expected them to some extent. But then Jasper had revealed that Bella had also been afraid.

Had she been afraid of me or herself, her own lose of control? Had she been worried that I might be angry at her, because of something that she couldn't control?

Her words had horrified and shocked me, when Jasper had questioned why she didn't allow herself to fail.

_"Because I'm not good enough."_

How could she think so little about herself? How could I make her understand, to_ see_, how good she actually was?

That girl had been broken too many times, and every single time she had been forced to put herself back together, all alone and by herself. Sometimes in my quiet prayers I would ask God what she had done to deserve all that heartache and suffering, all those things that prevented herself from seeing how wonderful creature she actually was.

"Is everything okay?"

Bella's frown deepened as her concerned voice pulled me from my ponderings. She was still standing next to the boulder a few steps away from me. The featherlight snow clung to the legs of her blue jeans.

"Yes," I reassured, smoothing out my expression. Giving her a small smile, I stepped closer to brush a lock of dark hair behind her ear. "What would you say about a hunt?" I asked, nodding towards the forest.

Bella stiffened, and she looked uneasy. "I don't know," she said, shaking her head quickly. "I'm not that thirsty."

We both knew it was a lie - a very poor one at that. During the first months after the transformation the thirst was relentless, almost never ceasing. Apparently the last hunt had traumatized her more than I had known.

"You can go ahead if you want," she offered as a frail attempt to escape the situation. She was already directing her steps towards the house, but I caught her wrist before she could take even two steps.

Her expression was too innocent and questioning as she stopped at my touch.

I raised my brow at her, wondering which would offend her less; should I address the problem directly, or just start leading her towards the mountains?

She needed to face that obstacle, that fear, so she could move on. She was so used to hiding and avoiding everything, and that propensity would bring her no good in the end. She couldn't sneak around the rest of her existence in fear that she might end up hurting someone. Living in fear was no way to live.

"I know that you are afraid that what happened last time will repeat itself, Bella," I said quietly. My words made her wrench her wrist from my loose grasp, and she took a step backwards.

"I'm not afraid," she denied, her red eyes in flames.

I suppressed a sigh, deciding that arguing with her wouldn't help. "Then will go with me? We don't have to stay very long," I persuaded.

I could see that she was going through some sort of an inner battle with herself. Her pink lip was squeezed between her razor-sharp teeth as she pondered which alternative was more worthy; to avoid the fear and uncertainty and stay thirsty with a label of a coward, or to face her insecurities, despite of how difficult it might be.

But Bella was proud and headstrong, and I saw the decision on her face before she even voiced it out loud.

"Fine then," she breathed.

I had no wish to tantalize her any further, but as we made our way towards the mountains I knew I had to reassure her somehow, to make the moment easier for her.

"It's getting quite late, and I doubt that anyone would hike this far at this time of night," I stated. "And we'll go that direction," I guided and pointed, causing Bella to change her course slightly. "The national parks are pretty far from there."

She nodded quietly, and I was relieved to notice that my soothing words didn't irritate her.

The snowing had stopped a few minutes ago, and I was surprised to see that the clouds were receding slowly. It was going to be a starry night, a rare one in a place like this where the clouds covered the sky most of the time.

There was no better place than the mountain top to observe the cosmos, and I decided to take Bella there if she agreed to come with me.

Even though I was quite positive of the fact that no humans were anywhere near and there was no wind to blow any trails towards our direction, I wanted to make sure that the place was safe. We ran a wide circle in the woods before climbing higher, and I focused my senses to notice all the signs of life from the forest around us. I didn't want to put Bella in that difficult position ever again. It had been foolish of me to take her to that part of the forest when I knew that the national parks were only a few miles away.

I had no need to hunt yet, and I told this to Bella so she could start focusing on searching the proper prey for herself. I monitored her carefully as she tracked a large cougar from the mountains. I could hardly wait to hear her opinion about the different taste of blood - she had only hunted deer and moose by now.

The cougar was in a convenient position, just under a sharp cliff. Bella only would have needed to drop herself down and make the huge animal keel over to get its throat revealed.

But she was crouched still like a statue, a small frown wrinkling the marble skin between her brow as she stared down at the cougar.

The lordy animal padded away eventually, oblivious of the two predators lurking above it, not knowing that its life had been a whisker away from coming to an end.

Bella's shoulders slumped, and the look in her eyes was apathetic.

I climbed down from the place I had found the best possible view of the surroundings, making my way to her. She stood up on the cliff slowly, looking a little apologizing.

"What's wrong?" I asked.

"Nothing," she sighed, looking at the direction where the cougar had disappeared. I still heard its vibrant heart beating a few hundred yards away.

"What made you want to let it get away?" I asked, keeping my tone gentle and soothing, not wanting her to think that I accused her.

Bella let out an exasperated huff, and I didn't know if the irritation was directed at me or herself. "I didn't _want_ to," she muttered, not meeting my gaze. "I almost pounced, letting myself forget everything... and suddenly I didn't want to - ," she shook her head, trampling her foot against the ground in a frustrated manner.

"You didn't want your instincts to take over," I finished her sentence, now understanding her hesitation. "Because it frightened you where it ended you up the last time," I stated, studying her expression.

Her eyes were suddenly weary, and she let out another sigh. "I'm a poor predator," she muttered. "Emmett will laugh at me when he hears that I let a cougar get away. I suck."

I chuckled quietly. "That's not true. I know this musn't be easy for you. It's a reasonable fear you have, and I understand that."

She seemed relieved that I didn't think any less of her after letting the prey get away, and after that she seemed more eager to tackle her insecurity. After a few minutes she tracked down a herd of deer, and separated one from the small group. Her momevents were a bit hesitant and unsure, but eventually she managed to feed on a buck and lessen her thirst.

After hunting we climbed higher up on the mountains, and I very well remembered that short moment weeks ago in the hospital when I had felt the urge to take Bella here someday. I simply couldn't believe my luck, knowing that I was getting my wish fullfilled - this moment was blessed, and it caused me to feel blessed also.

Maybe I wasn't such a damned and miserable creature after all.

The sky had changed colors and darkened, and I heard Bella gasp in wonder when she saw the stars for the first time with her enhanced eyesight. She was very still for a long time before surprising me once again by lowering herself down on the ground. She laid down on her back, her gaze still directed at the stars.

What and exquisite sight that was - a beautiful immortal, lying in the snow with her skin almost as white as the frozen crystals beneath her slender body, with the night sky and the stars reflecting from her eyes.

The sight made me almost sink to my knees.

Bella sensed my stare, turning her eyes to me sheepishly. "Do you think I'm weird?" she asked.

"Not at all," I chuckled, hesitating before lowering myself down on the ground next to her. The earth beneath me was hard, the snow cushioning our unusual berth. "This is a much better way to observe the stars," I decided out loud.

I spent the next several moments pointing out the different star constellations for her when she asked the names of the ones she didn't already know.

"... and do you see that misty spot near the Cassiopeia? Downwards to the right from that point? It's Andromeda's Galaxy," I explained.

A small smile was lighting up Bella's face, and her eyes shone brighter than all the stars together. She nodded again as she did everytime after learning a new constellation.

"Where's Virgo?" she asked, obviously wanting find her zodiac sign.

I pointed at the Saturn and steered my finger a little downwards, and a little left from there. She followed the direction where I was pointing at, trying to pin the pattern I was showing. "See that large area and the brightest point stars? I know it's a difficult to find if you don't know what to look for. Look downwards from the Ursa Major," I instructed.

"I think I know now," she said, tilting her head to get a better picture of the constellation. She gave a small laugh, obviously finding the pattern she was looking for.

"Do you know what zodiac sign you are?" she suddenly asked.

I shook my head. "No. I might have known my date of birth during my early human life, but I can't remember it. And birthdays weren't marked during that time so accurately, in any case," I explained.

She nodded, frowning a bit. "You grew up without a mother, right?" she asked, her voice a little sad.

"Yes," I answered. "She died giving birth to me," I explained, turning my head to look at her. Her crimson eyes were sorrowful. "I often find myself thinking what it would have been like to have a mother. And if she'd had any possibility to affect my father's cruel and paranoid ways to see evil and devils even when they weren't there," I wondered aloud. "But on the other hand, women had very little saying about anything during those times."

Bella was very quiet as she thought about my words. The world I had lived must have seemed a very strange place to her.

"Did you have blue eyes as a human?" she whispered suddenly.

I gave her a small smile, suddenly feeling self-conscious under her scrutiny. "Yes," I answered.

Her smile was so wide that her white teeth were showing. "I knew it," she murmured, seeming self-satisfied. A part of me wondered how long she had been guessing my possible human eye color. The thought made me feel... pleased. Contended, that she was possibly thinking of me.

After a few minutes of comfortable silence, Bella raised herself up a bit, turning on her side and leaning her elbow against the ground. Her delicate chin was pressed against her palm as she regargded me with her gaze. She looked suddenly more serious, and I could see that something was bothering her. Her eyes were hesitant as she opened her mouth, only to close it again.

"What is it?" I asked.

She frowned again. "I was just wondering something," she muttered under her breath.

I nodded, trying to encourage her to speak.

"Rosalie," she began, glancing at me quickly. "She told me a little about her life as a human."

I nodded again.

"And I was wondering... what happened to her fiance? And to his friends? Did they ever get a punishment for doing what they did to Rosalie?"

"She didn't tell that to you?" I asked. Bella shook her head.

I took a deep breath, trying to find a way to describe the matter discreetly. "Rosalie... It was obvious that she resented what had happened, the way she had been betrayed, humiliated and abused in the worst way a woman can be. And I made it even worse, by trying to save her life," I explained.

I could see that Bella wanted to argue and defend my motives, but she stayed silent, not wanting to interrupt me.

"Rosalie killed Royce's friends, one by one," I stated bluntly. "It was obviously a phsycological torture for Royce, hearing the news of the deaths of his friends. Rosalie didn't spare anyone of those who had harmed her."

Bella was very still as she listened quietly. There was a veiled horror in her crimson eyes, but I could see that she was trying to hide it.

"In the end she killed Royce too, saving him for the last. Her self-control amazed me at the time; she was still a newborn at the time, and even when she took the lives of seven men, she never felt the urge to taste their blood. Her self-control was motivated by her hate and disgust towards those men. She despised the thought of having their blood in her, and so she was very careful not to spill any."

Bella's skin was a shade paler, if possible. "How did you feel about that? That she killed them?"

"I didn't encourage it, of course," I answered, thinking back those dark days. "But I didn't make an attempt to stop her, either. I believed she needed justice after what those awful men had done to her. She needed some sort of closure." I hesitated for a moment before continuing. "Did you ever know that Esme had similar starting points than Rosalie?" I asked.

Bella looked sickened. "No," she breathed.

I nodded, sorrowful. "Her parents married her off with a man who was cruel and abusive towards her. His husband left for a war, but soon after he returned, Esme found out that she was pregnant. She thought of what was best for her child, running away from her husband to live somewhere else and posing as a war widow."

A sad smile lit up Bella's face. "She was strong," she whispered. "And brave."

"She was truly was," I agreed with my whole heart. "Her child was born, but he died from a lung fever only after living two days," I continued. "It broke Esme's heart. She had no one left, no reason to live she believed, and so she tried to end her life by jumping off a cliff."

Bella reached out with her hand to brush my shoulder. The gesture was comforting, and I drew strength from her touch.

"I remember when I found her from the morgue. Her heart was still beating weakly, and there was no doubt in my mind when I wanted to save her," I remembered. "It wasn't the first time I had met her," I said, causing Bella to raise her brow in surprise.

"Really?" she asked. "You already knew her before?"

"I had treated her at the age of sixteen after she had fallen from a tree and broken her leg," I explained. "And of course I remembered her when I saw her again. She wasn't that happy and bubbly young girl I had met before. It took a long time until she was able to trust people around her again because of what had happened."

"Did it take long for her to trust you?" she asked.

"Not that long," I said, a slight surprise and wonder in my tone. "Her trust in me came easily. She didn't resent me for what I had done. We fell in love, and married soon after." I chuckled quietly, remembering how happy I had been, how lucky. To having been able to find her. "Her reliance in me surprised me at the time."

Those memories didn't hurt as much as they had used to. And I realised that it was easier to look back at those times and think of them with joy and happiness, instead of the piercing grief and sadness.

"It doesn't surprise me," Bella suddenly stated. "You're very... reliable. It doesn't take much to trust you."

Her words pleased me, but made me feel sad at the same time. Pleased, because she thought of me as trustworthy. But the sadness sprung from the fact that most of the time I didn't believe that Bella truly trusted me - I knew that trusting wouldn't come easy to her.

I swallowed thickly, turning my head to meet her gaze. "But I still don't have your trust." My tone bore no accusations - it was almost curious and questioning.

Bella looked away, her eyes masked with indifference. "I don't have trust in anyone," she said quietly. "Not even in myself. So why would I trust anyone else?" she asked, her voice catching a little. "Why should I risk it?"

I pushed myself off the ground a bit, turning to my side and leaning my forearms against the white ground. I was very aware of our proximity, but it didn't bother me. And I hoped it wouldn't make her feel uncomfortable.

Her red eyes were almost angry and defending, but also yearning for answers. Guidance. So I wanted to grant her that, suddenly finding myself short with words.

"Because sometimes it's worth risking."

She swallowed, as if she had tasted something bitter. "It's never worth it."

I didn't know if we were talking about trust anymore. Surely we were, but there was something else behind the words that we did not say out loud.

Her words ached in my heart. As did the way she distanced herself away from me, both physically and mentally, when she lied herself back on the ground.

Bella was quiet for a long time, and I didn't urge her to speak. I didn't know if she was still thinking about our recent conversation, or was she thinking about Esme and Edward. I wondered how long it would take for her to look back at everything with no bitterness and dolour. Her time with Edward had been short, but no less meaningful - their time together had ran out too quickly. It saddened me.

Sometimes the world was cruel and unfair.

Bella's gasp broke the stillness that had lasted for several minutes. She pointed towards the sky, and I turned just in time to see the light of a shooting star burning out.

"Make a wish," I suggested, once again reminded of the similar situation weeks ago. "And I believe it's your turn to make one for me."

Bella remembered that night too, judging from the way her lips quirked a bit. She chuckled, closing her eyes and trying to suppress a smile. "Do I have to make two individual wishes?" she asked suddenly. "Or can I make a one that is shared?"

"Shared one, please," I encouraged.

"Okay."

A large part of me was curious of that shared wish.

* * *

"Of course. Thank you for calling. It's been far too long since we've heard from you."

I was talking on the phone with Eleazar, a member of the Denali coven. It had been months since I had heard of him or the other members of his family, and it was truly wonderful to talk with him again - our families considered each other as relatives. And in may ways we were. Not by blood, but in other ways.

_"It was good to hear from you too, Carlisle. And it was certainly interesting to hear your... news," _Eleazar answered cautiously on the other end.

When we had gotten back to the house with Bella, Alice had been on the phone with Tanya who had been calling to ask how we were. I had exchanged a few words with her before Eleazar had wanted to talk to me.

I had glanced at Bella as if for a permission - I had wanted to know if it was alright to tell the Denalis the news of her transformation. I knew they were bound to know about her sooner or later. Bella had nodded hesitantly, and I had told Eleazar a shortened version of what had happened during the past few weeks.

Eleazar hadn't been even surprised; he had only sounded delighted. I expected no less from him. He truly was a good friend.

_"We can't wait to meet Isabella. Your family has always been very fond of her," _he continued warmly.

I smiled at Bella who was standing in front of the glass wall, looking rather nervous. "That is true. And I'm sure you all will get the chance to meet her sooner or later."

_"Has she revealed any abilities?" _Eleazar asked. _"She has great potential; Edward couldn't read her mind when she was a human, after all,"_ Eleazar pondered. I could almost hear the wheels turning inside his brilliant mind.

"Nothing tangible yet," I answered as I walked over to Bella, setting a hand on her shoulder. I knew that the Denalis made her nervous - she was still afraid of becoming judged. "She's a bit more composed that you could expect from a newborn. This is more your area of expertise, I'm afraid," I chuckled, giving Bella's shoulder a light squeeze.

I exchanged a few more words with Eleazar, and before finishing the conversation I told him to give my greetings to his wife and the three sisters that lived with them; Tanya, Kate and Irina.

_"Thank you, I will. Carmen is outside with Laurent and Irina, but Tanya and Kate want me to say hello," _Eleazar answered. The sound of Kate's vivid voice sounded quietly from the backround.

Bella stiffened under my touch when she heard the last sentence. I was sure that hearing Laurent's name caused it, surely bringing unpleasant memories to her.

I thanked Eleazar quietly, and after that ended the conversation with a goodbye. I set the cell phone on the small table in the middle of the living room, glancing at Bella. "I'm sure you remember Laurent?" I asked, guiding her to sit on the couch. Alice scampered from the kitchen and jumped to sit on the back of the couch, her nimble fingers starting to play with Bella's hair.

Bella nodded. "Yeah. How could I forget," she chuckled joylessly. "He's still living with them?"

"Yeah," Alice answered. "Irina and Laurent are a sort of an item," Alice explained, causing to Bella raise her brow in surprise. "I wonder if they'll get married someday," Alice pondered, probably itching to grab at any chance to arrange a celebration.

"Why did you say that my abilities are Eleazar's area of expertise?" Bella asked from me, her red eyes curious.

"Eleazar was once a guard of the Volturi. He can sense the abilities of other vampires and humans once he gets near them," I explained. "It was an appreciated talent while he lived with the Volturi. But he left them when he met his mate. Has anyone told you about Carmen?" I asked.

"I've seen the picture of her in your room," Bella answered, frowning a bit. "Are you saying that he just left the Volturi, just like that?" she asked, confused. "They just sound really strict and... almost villain. Why did they let him leave?"

"Aro wasn't pleased about his departure," I explained. "But he gave Eleazar his blessing, hoping that he might return someday. His talents were extremely useful for them."

Bella reached out to take a newspaper from the table. She fiddled with it, not focused enough to read. "You said that the Denalis will meet me someday," she stated hesitantly. I tried to interpret her tone - she didn't sound upset, only worried.

"We travel to Alaska every now and then to visit them," I explained. After Edward and Esme had died, we hadn't been there that often - only twice. It was a painful place to return, a place filled with many memories. Good and bad ones.

Bella nodded mutely, a small furrow between her eyebrows.

"Do you worry about meeting them?" I asked. Alice stopped fiddling with Bella's hair for a second, waiting for her answer.

"I don't know," Bella muttered. "What will they think of me?"

Alice spoke up. "They don't know much about you," she chimed, slightly evading Bella's question. "They know that you were with Edward once."

"And they know that Edward left to get away from me," Bella filled in, a slight edge in her tone.

Alice sighed. "Bella, we've been over this a million times," she grumbled, her voice frustrated.

I reached out to take Bella's hand in my own. "Indeed we have," I said quietly, trying to reach her gaze. "They have no ill feelings towards you, Bella, if that's what you're worried about."

Bella shrugged, her eyes weary.

"And besides," Alice piped from the back of the couch, whipping Bella's long hair into a complicated braid. "It still takes some time before we can actually go to Alaska. It still too risky to take you anywhere near human settlements, even inside a car."

"Did someone say 'Alaska'?" Emmett boomed as he stepped inside the house, Jasper and Rosalie at his tail.

"Eleazar called," I informed. "He told me to say hello."

Emmett dropped himself on the couch, crossing his ankles. "I can't wait to get there again," he exulted. "You should see how many bears and mountain lions there are," he explicated to Bella. "The wildlife is much more richer than here."

I had a feeling that Bella didn't pay much attention to Emmett - she seemed quite distracted. She was nodding and muttering agreements every once in a while, but it was obvious that she was lost in her thoughts.

I knew I should have a talk with her - it was obvious that the same issues still burdened her mind.

Rosalie's frown got my attention after a few minutes of casual conversation. She was leaning her elbows against the back of the couch behind Emmett, her narrowed eyes fixed towards something.

It took me a moment to realise that she was staring at my hand - my hand that was still linked to Bella's.

Did Rosalie disapprove our closeness? Holding Bella's hand didn't seem inappropriate to me - it felt friendly, natural and familiar. Comforting.

But suddenly it felt like it was something so much more - something forbidden. Something that was improper. The emotion was startling, and with a sudden intake of breath I dropped Bella's hand, drawing my own away.

What was happening?

Bella glanced at me as I pulled away so suddenly. Her gaze didn't bear the confusion that I expected. Instead I saw hurt and guilt in her red irises.

I didn't mean to make her feel that way.

Alice was mouthing soundless words to someone - I didn't hear what she was saying, but I heard the way her marble lips brushed against each other as she formed sentences. Rosalie huffed quietly across the room.

I turned to Alice, confused about the secret conversation she was having with Rosalie.

Alice's eyes were too innocent as she looked at me. "What?" she asked, her chiming voice high-pitched.

I held her gaze for a moment, trying to supress an urge to be irritated.

"So Bella," Emmett rumbled across the room, catching my attention. Bella lifted her gaze from the floor. Her eyes had been glued to the carpet since I had suddenly drawn my hand away from hers. I wondered how much my action had insulted her.

"You've been a vampire about three weeks now," Emmett continued, his voice surprisingly serious, almost businesslike. It nearly made me worried about what he could have in mind, but his next words calmed me.

"What do you miss the most about being a human?" he queried. "Or what do you like the most about being a vampire?"

Bella chuckled, suddenly seeming self-aware when she noticed that everyone were looking at her and waiting for her answer. "What it this, a vampire straw poll?" she asked.

"Sure," Emmett teased. "Answer the question. What's nice about being a vampire?"

"That my eyelashes can't fall off," Bella quipped sarcastically.

"Come on, this is serious," Emmett grumbled.

"Oh it is?" Bella asked, her voice incredulous. "You should have told me that right away," she muttered, making me chuckle. God, how I hoped she would never change.

"Let's see..." Bella ruminated, biting her lip. "I can definitely live without being so clumsy. It's nice to climb a staircase knowing that I can't trip over," she stated. "That's one of the best things."

"Wow," Emmett vaunted. "A difficult woman to please, are you?" he teased, partly amused by the modesty in Bella's answer. "Do you miss sleeping?"

Bella surprised everyone by shaking her head. "Not really."

"Really?" Rosalie asked. "How can you not miss sleeping?"

Bella glanced at her, surprised by how directly Rosalie was talking to her. They still weren't so comfortable in each other's company.

"You're crazy," Emmett joined, drawing a small nod from Jasper.

Bella shrugged, her eyes suddenly guarded.

It shouldn't have surprised me that she was glad about not to being able to sleep. I was aware of the nightmares that had haunted her during her last weeks as a human. A part of me wondered how severe and awful they had truly been, and how often they had occurred. I was sure that Bella had downplayed the fact how much the dreams had bothered her.

It wasn't fair. It wasn't fair that she couldn't have gotten any peace even in her sleep.

But sometimes the world was like that. Unfair and unconditional.

And during the next few days it became clear, that it wasn't only the world that was unconditional and strict towards Bella - the only thing that was even more unyielding,

was herself.

* * *

Bella's eyes were closed tightly, and she bit her lip so hard that it was a surprise that her marble skin didn't crack.

The small glass sat on my study desk, the red sweet-scented liquid glistening in the dim candlelight.

"Don't you want it?" Emmett teased, leaning against the doorframe casually.

Bella had surprised me the previous day by asking if I had the chance to bring a bag of donated blood from the hospital. Her request had both surprised and confused me. But it was nothing compared to the bewilderment I had felt when she had stated that she wanted to know what the smell of exposed blood was like.

She had wanted to push her limits and practise her self-control, and I had almost declined her request, doubting that she was ready for the challenge. It was still difficult for her even to be around me if I wore the same clothes I had been wearing in the hospital. But something in her eyes had made me change my mind.

Bella's hiss echoed in the quiet room, and she lifted her palms to cover her face. I heard her taking a cautious breath through her fingers. "Damn it," she muttered quietly, the small curse coming out as a whimper.

There was only a spoonful of blood in the small glass, and the liquid was cold; the smell wasn't as appealing as it would have been if it had been body temperature. But it still was an irresistible temptation for any vampire, let alone for a newborn.

"Bella?" Emmett bullied her again, and I threw a warning glance at him. Now I regretted the decision not to send him hunting with the others during our little exercise.

"What?" Emmett asked when I glowered at him, his tone innocent. "She has to know how to deal with the distractions. She has to learn it someday," he defended.

"Let her focus," I said quietly, turning my gaze back towards the scene unfolding in front of me.

Bella's hands were now balled into fists as she stared at the bright red liquid six yards away from her. Her crimson irises shone with fever; it was the thirst I had witnessed hundreds of times during my long existence.

"Do you want it?" Emmett asked again, his tone laced with mischief. I shook my head at him disapprovingly, lifting a finger to my lips to silence him.

Bella was doing remarkably well - I had difficulty to believe my eyes. I knew the smell of blood was burning her throat very badly.

An angry hiss escaped between Bella's clenched teeth again. "No," she fizzled. Her willpower was incomparable.

After a few more seconds she groaned, and then she was only a blur to an eye as she stormed out of the room.

Emmett whistled loudly.

I exchanged a glance with him, both of us shaking our heads in disbelief.

The sound of loud cracking coming from the backyard got our attention, and we hurried outside to see what was causing the noise.

Bella was stamping down a pile of rocks near the forest, grinding them with her feet. It took me a moment to realise that she was doing so out of fury.

I decided to give her a moment to blow off some steam, hoping that it would help her to get rid of some of the pressure she was under. But her anger confused me - why was she so upset after such an incredible performance?

A loud crack made the whole forest echo as she broke another rock.

Then it was very quiet.

Bella turned her face towards the grey sky, her eyes closed. She took a deep breath and stood very still for several minutes until I decided to near her.

"Bella?" I asked cautiously, barely able to contain my thrill. My voice caused her to open her eyes, but she didn't turn look at me.

"Bella that was..." I shook my head, searching for words. I still hadn't found none when I stood next to her, putting a hand on her shoulder. "That was astounding," I breathed, almost laughing out loud to the mild expression.

Bella glanced at me, her brow furrowed.

"I can't believe you did it. I can't tell you how incredible it was," I resumed, trying to make her understand how big accomplishment she had attained.

"But..." she muttered, glancing at Emmett who was still standing near the house. He was smirking widely. "But I had to leave the room. I gave up," she insisted, her tone almost ashamed.

"Bella, sweetheart," I said, barely noticing how effortlessly the endearment slipped through my lips. "That's what is supposed to happen. If you feel that you can't stand it, you're supposed to leave. It's not wrong," I laughed, not able to believe that she saw her action as giving up. "If you surrender under the urge, that would be giving up. Or giving in, more likely," I explained.

She still didn't seem satisfied. "I should have done better," she muttered under her breath. I heard Emmett snorting quietly, and making his way back inside.

"Why are you pushing yourself so hard?" I asked quietly.

Bella's sigh was quiet as she studied the wet ground. I reached out to put my finger under her chin, lifting her head to meet my gaze.

"I don't want to kill anyone," she murmured quietly.

"Of course you don't. And I promise to make sure that you won't," I whispered, my heart aching to soothe her mind.

"Don't make promises you can't keep," Bella muttered, her quiet voice now almost angry. "I've had enough empty promises for one lifetime."

Her words cut me. A part of me wondered how many people had made promises to her, and how many had failed her trust by not keeping them.

I wanted her to trust me. I wanted her to know that I would keep my promises - that I was worth her trust.

She looked so miserable, standing with her head down as she studied the wet ground. "Bella," I whispered. I didn't know how to reassure her - how to make her see. I didn't have any soothing words to her - all the words that I had were empty to her. Hollow and meaningless.

And I had no wish to make empty promises. I refused to be that man.

But I knew, that sometimes actions spoke louder than words.

My hand wandered on her shoulder, and she sensed my inviting movement even though she wasn't looking at me. I was surprised to see how willingly she stepped into my embrace.

It seemed like forever since I had held her like this - without any boundaries or limits, without any reserve or fear. She was here, with me, and I could get to feel her close to me. Because in these moments I felt as if she didn't try to distance herself away - I felt that she was present. It was just us, and our emotions, and the fact that I cared for her.

I cared about her.

Dear Lord in Heaven.

The realisation caused both pleasure and anxiety in me.

Her eyelashes brushed against the skin of my neck. The touch was very light, but it only intensified the power of it. Something electric traveled through my spine.

I felt Bella shifting a bit, and I loosened my hold reluctantly, thinking that she wanted to pull away. But she only lowered her head against my chest, closing her eyes.

I couldn't stop the urge to stroke her neck through the veil of dark hair.

We were still for a very long time, and I savored every second. Who knew when I would get to have her so close to me again. I was afraid that if I let her go now, she would be gone. She would run away from me as she always did.

I didn't want her to run away. She was like a handful of sand seeping through my fingers, and I tried to grasp every crumb but the harder I tried, the faster the sand escaped from my grasp. Slipped away, to a place that was unreachable.

Bella shifted, pressing her ear against my chest. A small frown appeared on her face.

"What are you doing?" I whispered quietly, wondering her peculiar expression.

She kept her eyes closed, and I felt her fingers kneading the fabric of my shirt lightly. "Listening," she whispered as quietly. My frown matched hers when I looked down at her, trying to understand what she was hearing.

Then I realised that she had pressed her ear against the spot where my silent heart resided.

"Can you hear anything?" I asked, amusement drowned by sudden tenderness.

"Yes," she whispered. "I hear a lot of things."

And suddenly I hoped that she would speak the truth - I hoped that she could hear what my heart was saying to her. I wanted her to hear every emotion that bubbled within me during our shared moments. My heart called out to her - how I wished that she could hear the silent invitation.

"You have a beautiful heart," she said so quietly that I couldn't be sure if she had actually said it.

I wanted to argue - the beauty of my heart was nothing compared to hers.

"I want to be like you," Bella continued, surprising me. Would she ever stop surprising me? Would I ever learn enough of her so that one day I could look at her and say 'I know everything about you. Ther's nothing more to know.'

I didn't think I would - she was untamed, full of mysteries like the wilderness of a rainforest. She would never cease to surprise me. There was always more to see and to discover, more to know.

More to learn.

"Why?" I asked. "Why would you want to be like me?"

She was silent for a moment before answering. "Because..." I heard her taking a deep breath, drawing in the scent of my clothes. I still hadn't changed after coming back from the hospital today, and I wondered if the scent gave her focus or dissolved it.

"Because you're so flawless," she whispered. "Pure."

I chuckled, letting my chin fall on the top of her head. "You are very kind, but I am afraid that is not entirely true," I said gently.

"But it is," she argued. "I know I can never be as good as you, but I can at least try."

I lifted my head to pull back a little, trying to get her to look at me. But she refused to move, pressing her cheek against my shirt with that same small frown, her eyes still closed.

"What do you mean?" I asked softly, knowing that there was something behind those words that she didn't say out loud.

"I don't want to kill anyone," she repeated her earlier words with a whisper. "I don't know what will I do if someday I come back here knowing that I've taken someone's life. That I've left someone without a mother or a father... or that I've killed someone's child," she confessed with a small voice. "How can I consciously put someone through that when I know how it feels? To lose someone?"

Now I knew she was thinking about her dead parents; Bella had never uttered a word of them to me. I felt relief that she was finally talking about it, although in a roundabout way, but talking nevertheless. I tightened my hold of her, my heart aching to soothe her.

"Nothing has happened yet," I reassured, my lips brushing against the silk of her hair. "And nothing has to happen. I will do anything in my power to make sure that you don't have to be in that position," I vowed.

"It's more than I can ask from you," she whispered. I heard her swallowing, and then she pulled away from my chest. It looked like she was reluctant to do that, and I certainly was reluctant to let her go. She fit into my embrace perfectly, and I felt empty without her; incomplete.

It was as if she was meant to be in my arms.

I let my hands linger on her elbows, and she mirrored my posture. Her gaze wandered everywhere but never reached my eyes, as if she was afraid to look at me.

The mother nature was on my side on that day, and for that I was grateful. The setting afternoon sun peeked behind the thick veil of clouds and enlightened the scenery.

I had lived over three hundred years, and I would gladly live twice as long, if only I was rewarded with the sight of Bella in the sunlight.

Her skin was like snow and pearls, like ivory and diamonds as the rays of sun bathed her. I was so lost in her that I had difficulty realising that she was looking at me intensely, her eyes no longer avoiding mine. And in her crimson irises I saw emotions I hadn't seen in her in a while; pure joy, wonderment, and laughter.

With a startle I realised that those emotions were directed at me. Was she looking at me the same way I was looking at her?

I tore my gaze away from her eyes for a moment to see if her mouth was smiling as brightly as her eyes were.

And it was - it wasn't a wide, utterly happy smile but a smile nonetheless. Her lips were curled to a perfect shape, and I suppressed the urge to brush them with my fingers, just to find out if they were as soft as they looked.

I moved my gaze back to her eyes again. The former emotions had disappeared, but something else had taken their place; she looked curious.

I swallowed hard, forcing myself to think clearly - I couldn't do anything foolish. No matter how much I cared about her.

She needed a friend. And I had no wish to upset her with my inappropriate thoughts.

I pulled backwards from Bella ever so slightly, and the light in her eyes burned out. She lowered her gaze to the ground.

Was it disappointment in her eyes? Or was I only imagining it?

The emotion soon vanished as we both heard the sound of three sets of steps coming from the forest, and at the same time the sun hid behind the clouds again.

Alice appeared first, her expression a little smug - God only knows why. Jasper followed her from the woods, Rosalie by his side. The small group neared, and Jasper frowned a bit as he tasted the emotions around him. I quickly drew in a deep breath to calm my rushing mind.

The backdoor of the house opened and slammed shut behind us, and Emmett stormed out on the backyard to swipe Rosalie from her feet, pulling her to a deep and passionate kiss; sometimes it was difficult to remember that they had been together for decades. They still acted like they had just fallen in love.

It would be always like that with them; the passion would never run out.

"How did it go?" Alice asked, her voice satisfied and a little teasing. A part of me wondered if she was really refering to our earlier training with the blood.

"As if you didn't know," I laughed, glancing at Jasper. "And as if you haven't passed the information on already."

Jasper gave an approving nod to Bella, observing her intently. "Alice claims that she didn't even reach out for the glass," Jasper stated, his voice polite and doubting at the same time.

"She speaks the truth," I confirmed, wrapping my arm around Bella's shoulder. I gave her a warm smile, hoping that she would understand how proud I was of her. She shrugged under my arm, lowering her gaze sheepishly down to the wet ground.

She was so modest.

The rest of the evening passed comfortably - after getting rid of the blood in my study and opening the window to let the breeze blow away the scent, I persuaded Bella to borrow a book from my collection. I knew she was more than eager to read them, but thus far had refused to do so in fear of breaking something. Her control over the strength she possessed had improved significantly during the last few days, but I knew she still had to focus really hard on not using too much force.

"Don't worry if you tear a page or two," I reassured her for the tenth time when she held a copy of one of my poetry books, handling the object like it was made of glass. "My library is too full already. I don't miss a book or two if something breaks."

Bella looked hesitant as she opened the cover carefully, holding her breath. "Thanks," she muttered. "I promise I'll return it," she vowed. "As intact as possible."

I could only chuckle at her hungry expression as her gaze devoured the first chapter of the book.

Her self-confidence improved significantly after that night when she learned that she was able to enjoy reading without destroying anything. During the next few days I found her several times behind the door of my study, always knocking and waiting for my answer before entering even when I had told her that she didn't need to knock, and she would borrow another book from me. I could almost swear that during those two weeks she made a world record, so many books she read.

"It looks like you've met your match when it comes to reading," Jasper said one late night when we were heading home from a short hunting trip.

I chuckled, slowing my pace to match his. "It may be so," I agreed. "I never thought that anyone else could be as obsessed with literature as I am."

Jasper was quiet for a moment, hesitating. "Bella is... very special," he said carefully.

I quirked my brow, glancing at his direction. "She is," I complied, not sure what he was meaning with his words.

"She's very special to you," Jasper stated, drawing another dubious glance from me.

"I'm afraid I don't understand," I answered quietly, trying to evade the direction of the conversation.

"I think you do," Jasper drawled, giving an amused laugh. "Your feelings expose you, Carlisle."

There was little privacy in Jasper's company, and I had gotten used to it during the decades. But for the first time I actually felt self-conscious in his presence. I didn't know what to say - I didn't know what I felt.

Jasper probably knew it better than me.

I thought that Jasper had already dropped the subject after several minutes of silence, but then he spoke again, almost managing to scatter my well-composed facade.

"How long it takes for you to realise it?" he asked, that same amusement in his tone. "That the pull you constantly feel towards her, the pull you constantly deny, is something more? Something momentous?"

His words petrified me, causing me to stop. Jasper stopped beside me, and I could feel his gaze studying me.

"I don't undertstand," I repeated once again, and this time I was almost honest.

"How can you not recognize it, Carlisle?" Jasper asked, sounding now as confused as I felt.

"Recognize what?"

He frowned, rubbing his chin as he pondered. "The traction you feel in her company, the intrigue you feel towards her. The way she fascinates you..." He let his words drift, holding my gaze intently. "It's the instinct you feel towards your mate."

His words left me reeling, and for a long time I couldn't utter a word. Every thought I attempted to form in my mind was left unfinished, so stunned I was.

Eventually his words sank in, and then the flow of feelings and thoughts was endless - millions of things rushed through my mind during the same fraction of a second. And the most peculiar thing was, that his words shouldn't have been such a surprise for me. It was almost as if he had told me something that I had already known all along, something that was as old as the stars... it was like a suppressed memory from the past life.

_"It's the instinct you feel towards your mate."_

Jasper's words echoed in my mind again, causing me to stumble over another stream of thoughts.

"But Esme was my mate," I managed to choke out eventually, swallowing.

Jasper quirked his other eyebrow before frowning. "It may be so," he said quietly, but didn't sound very confident. "And even though you loved her very much..." he pondered aloud, causing me to wonder why he stated something that was so self-evident. "... there's a possibility that you were destined to be with someone else."

I started to walk again, feeling that I couldn't stay still any longer. I raked a hand through my hair, trying to get a hold of myself. But at the moment I was lost, and for the first time during my long existence my mind was too small to comprehend every thought going through my head. Too much information in such a short time was like an overload, and it made feel wrong-footed.

I was confused.

But at the same time I was enlightened - renewed.

Could it be, that all this time I had seen Bella more than as a friend? That in her, I had found something that I wasn't even consciously searching for?

What would she think of all this? Should I even fancy the thought of sharing this realisation to her? Hadn't I promised to myself that I wouldn't risk the friendship I had with her?

Only one thing was certain inside my wavering mind; I couldn't risk losing her.

Emmett's booming voice reached our ears soon. I was glad to get home, but at the same time I dreaded it. Jasper's words were constantly on my mind, and I didn't know how to ease my thoughts again.

As we made our way closer to the house with Jasper, a part of my occupied mind wondered why Emmett was brawling. I exchanged a puzzled look with the leonine man beside me, and then we made our way to the backyard where the sounds came from.

The reason for Emmett's moodiness was revealed to us soon. It seemed like he had prodded Bella to challenge him in arm wrestling once again. And he had lost, once again.

Even Rosalie was laughing at Emmett's miffed expression. Bella's expression bore pure satisfaction as she stood next to Alice, smiling widely. The small group glanced at our direction when I emerged from the woods with Jasper.

"Who won?" Jasper taunted Emmett, drawing another angry roar from him.

Bella sauntered closer to me, drawing a cautious breath. I had come straight from the hospital before leaving to hunt with Jasper, and I still wore the same slacks and button-down shirt. The scent of humans had probably diluted in the forest.

Bella noticed this too, and after another careful whiff she neared me more freely. "Alice is making me wear a skirt," she reported immediately, a displeased frown puckering her face. I found her pouting unbelivably endearing.

I glanced at her knee-lenght black skirt that allowed the pale skin of her lean legs to reveal a bit. Biting back the praises I wanted to direct at Alice for making Bella wear something so lovely, I gave her a symphatetic smile instead.

"What is wrong wearing a skirt?" I queried.

Bella rolled her eyes. "It's too girly. And impractical."

I chuckled. "You look lovely," I insisted.

Jasper nudged me with his elbow, his teasing smile making me slightly uncomfortable as I thought of our earlier conversation. I let out a frustrated huff, drawing a curious glance from the others.

"Is Jasper being a nuisance?" Alice asked, jumping to climb on her husband's back. Her tone wasn't at all reproachful, and she only seemed guilefully satisfied when she curled her arms around his shoulders, giving a quick peck on his cheek.

"Never, m'lady," Jasper drawled, a private smile playing on his lips.

I barely noticed their sweet gestures and words to each other. My eyes were stealing another secret glance at the enchanting creature before me; the way her gaze flared when she threw a tantalizing remark to Emmett. The way the confusion, acceptance and puzzlement battled for dominance in her eyes when Rosalie laughed at her comment. The way she almost flamed as she turned to look at me with her laughing eyes.

I couldn't remember the last time she had looked so... exuberant. There was a glimmer in her eyes I hadn't witnessed in years.

And a part of me wondered, what if?

What if Jasper was right? Where would it lead us?

My contemplation was interrupted as Bella made her way slowly towards me. There was curiousness in her crimson eyes. "You okay?" she asked.

I offerred her my hand, and she took it. I admired the silkiness of her marble skin against mine, and the way our linked hands fit together perfectly. How hadn't I noticed it before?

There was a lot of things I hadn't noticed; a lot of things I had forced myself to ignore. But for one short moment, I allowed myself to notice. And during that one short moment, one of the many things I noticed was the way the black skirt embraced Bella's lean form.

A small part of my mind plotted a convenient, but innocent enough way to hint Alice that she should make Bella wear skirts more often.

Innocence would prove to be troublesome.

* * *

**AN: They are getting there ;)  
**


	35. Chapter 35: Ardent

**Stephenie Meyer owns Twilight :)**

* * *

**_The life that I have _**  
**_Is all that I have _**  
**_And the life that I have _**  
**_Is yours _**

**_The love that I have_**  
**_Of the life that I have _**  
**_Is yours and yours and yours. _**

**_A sleep I shall have_**  
**_A rest I shall have _**  
**_Yet death will be but a pause_**  
**_For the peace of my years _**  
**_In the long green grass _**  
**_Will be yours and yours and yours._**

- Leo Marks -

* * *

**Ardent**

"So Bella..."

Suppressing a sigh, I lifted my gaze from the book I was holding in my hands. Emmett's eyes sparkled with mischief - there was almost some sort of malice in his golden brown irises.

Not a good sign.

"Yes, Emmett?" I asked, lacing my tone with impatience. During the last hour I had begun to regret my decision to read one of Carlisle's books in the living room instead of upstairs. Emmett had been bombarding me with questions ever since, at least once in every five minutes. Every annoying question was followed by another, even sillier one.

Something had tempted me to read in the living room instead of moping alone three floors higher, which is why I had decided to endure the interrogation Emmett had taken as his personal responsibility.

"What have you been up to during these last few years?" he now asked as he settled himself better on the couch opposite of the one I was sitting on.

Carlisle was sitting beside me, and he lifted his gaze from the medical journal he was reading, giving Emmett a warning glance. I pretended not to notice.

"This and that," I answered. It felt odd that Emmett was interested in my activities after they had left Forks. His question was casual, almost a formality, but I could see real curiosity behind it.

I knew that during our short months together, Carlisle had been curious about my activities too, but he was too polite to ask. I guess he was worried that he would insult me, or make me feel bad somehow if he brought up something about my past. He was always so thoughtful.

"Have you been studying anything?" Emmett asked.

"I studied for a while in Jacksonville," I muttered, trying to focus on the words printed on the page to prevent any further memories of that miserable time of my life. "Never graduated, though."

"Didn't you like the programs?" Emmett asked, apparently oblivious of the fact that I had quit college because I was in a rush to get away from that place - to get away from the memories of my mom and Phil after they had died.

From the corner of my vision, I saw Carlisle frowning at Emmett and shaking his head almost imperceptibly. "You could say that," I answered evasively after a moment. "I moved to Kentucky soon after."

"Kentucky, huh. What did you do in there?"

I tried to remember - I didn't even know how long I had stayed before leaving that place, too. "Graffitis," I remarked, deciding that sarcasm was the best way to worm my way out of the situation.

Emmett huffed at my comment, but after a few moments of silence he recovered. I had never thought of him as a curious person, and it threw me a bit when he was so interested - maybe he really cared enough to ask.

His voice was a bit tantalizing, and it made me want to throw my book at him. I probably would have done so, if it hadn't been Carlisle's book. And Carlisle's books were sacred to me.

"Any boyfriends up there in Kentucky?" he teased, the wide grin making his face almost split.

"Sure," I commented. "They're all buried in the backyard," I quipped, keeping my expression solemn.

Carlisle snorted softly at my comment.

Emmett's remark about my possible boyfriends over the years ignited a distant human memory in me.

Since Edward, I had sworn not to give my heart away to anyone. Any romantic relationships had been forbidden, and it had been easy to keep it that way. No complications, no flies in the oinment, nothing that could shatter the brittle shield I had created around myself.

I had been alone in many ways, truly and really alone. I had been living and breathing that loneliness, and eventually it became the only thing that kept me alive.

But then there had been those short moments I had been less alive.

My solitude was neither eased nor aggravated by those random men I had occasionally run into during the dark nights of my desolated life. I hadn't sought their company on purpose, and they hadn't sought mine. It hadn't been romance, or any celebration of a mutual involvement.

I later realised that those men had used me the same way I had used them. But I had accepted it gladly, because they had helped me to forget myself momentarily during those short hours. Because during those dark nights, I had been able to forget who I was, where I was, and where I had come from.

I hadn't been myself. I hadn't been Bella.

And it had been an utter bliss.

There had been nothing romantic in those encounters. No feelings, no emotions, no names. No nothing. It had been unfamiliar and foreign, and those things were the only things that made it worth it. Worth the safety I felt I had achieved.

Until the safety wasn't the thing I craved anymore. Another urge had surpassed that yearning for a momentary refuge, and it had been the need to be alone. And things had come full circle once again, as I had realised that both physical and emotional seclusion was the only thing that I could be comfortable with.

And so my solitude had abided, and the feeling had almost resembled... contentment.

I shook my head to rid myself of the hazy memories, and I was glad that they were so hazy. I had really gone off the rails during those years. But what else could you expect from a person who had nothing left? Nothing had mattered to me anymore. Nothing.

I focused on my reading once again, enjoying the speed I could now read with. It felt odd to notice that I could be able to recite every word on the last page without an effort. An infallible memory would have been quite useful in high school.

Emmett still hadn't given up on the conversation. The next thing he wanted to know was what was I going to do once I had my thirst under control. His inquiries about my nonexistent future plans should have irritated me, but I realised that they really didn't.

"So? What are you gonna be?" he asked with his rumbling voice.

"An astronaut," I answered.

Emmett snorted, shaking his head and grabbing a magazine from the table. "Are you just incapable of giving a normal answer to the questions people make?"

"You bring that feature out of me."

He laughed, and I could see that he was clearly enjoying our bantering. Talking with Emmett was surprisingly easy, and even when his questions were a little uncomfortable for me to answer right now, I found myself enjoying his company nonetheless. He was so uncomplicated, and not too pushy.

I heard the sound of furniture being moved on the second floor as Alice arranged the space for Emmett and Rosalie. They had decided to stay a little bit longer in Vancouver, and who knew if they wanted to stay permanently. Alice had insisted on decorating a room for them - not that they would need a bedroom to sleep in. But Alice was relentless, and she grabbed every chance to be visually creational. It was like a hobby for her. A hobby, which just happened to near an obsession from time to time.

Emmett cleared his throat again, and I prepared myself for another uncomfortable question, only to feel a short moment of relief when he directed his words at Carlisle.

"So Carlisle," he grinned, rolling the magazine into a cone with his huge fists. "How many nurses were hitting on you today?"

The words caused an unexpected reaction in me. I still kept my eyes on the book, but my focus was completely on the conversation. It was suddenly a lot more difficult not to scrunch the delicate material in my hands. Something fiery snaked its way inside me, pinching and gnawing. The feeling was startling.

And confusing. I tried to blink away the redness from my vision.

Carlisle laughed shortly. "Not that many, I'm afraid," he answered.

I released the quiet breath I had been holding, scolding myself for getting so peeved over nothing.

And why would I care if the pretty nurses at the hospital were making passes at Carlisle - I had no reason to get all worked up like that. And it's not like he cared if they made inappropriate suggestions. Carlisle was way better than to take up on their offers.

But some of the nurses were really pretty - and how about that receptionist with the light brown, curly hair who had always almost drooled whenever Carlisle had walked by...

"Bella?" Emmett's voice pierced my thoughts. "Are you okay? Your eyes are glazed."

I blinked, only now noticing how rigid my posture was. I quieted my inner conversation, trying to wipe away my hazy memories of the pretty receptionist with the syrapy smile and white teeth...

"Yeah," I mumbled, careful not to look at Carlisle. "I'm trying to read."

Emmett almost cackled. "Your eyes should be moving," he laughed.

"Aren't you perceptive today," I cracked. "If you get too bored observing the movement of my eyes, just say the word and I'll beat you in arm wrestling again. With my left hand."

"Pfft," Emmett bridled. "Touchy. Since you're not in a good mood anymore, I'm gonna go and find Jasper. He's a lot more fun than you," he huffed and jumped up from the couch. He stopped to ruffle my hair, making it a horrible mess before darting away from the room.

I muttered curses under my breath, lowering the book and starting to solve the tangled locks. Carlisle chuckled quietly beside me, and I heard him reaching out to pluck the tresses of my hair with his fingers.

I finally ventured to take a glance at him.

His eyes were gleaming with amusement, and there even was a tinge of curiosity in his golden irises. His warm fingers tucked a lock of dark hair behind my ear. The gesture was friendly, but the warmth in his eyes made it feel more intimate.

Why was he looking at me like that? Like he had witnessed something fond, something endearing?

His fingers lingered, the touch skimming near the spot where my pulse should have been throbbing. The lack of my heartbeat felt strange, as did the fact that there was no blush rising to my cheeks. I felt like I was in flames.

How can a marble body be in flames?

Carlisle held my gaze for a moment before his mouth opened. "How do you like the book so far?" he asked, gesturing at the heavy volume resting on my lap.

I swallowed, trying to shake the tingles away. "It's good. Really entertaining," I offered.

"It is," he agreed. "One of my favorite novels. I've read it several times," he confessed.

I laughed softly. "Don't tell me how it ends," I muttered with a smile, suddenly feeling an urge to wink at him.

_Oh for crying out loud. Don't wink at him!_

"I won't spoil the ending," he chuckled, reaching out to take his medical journal again. He opened it and propped it against his knee, extending his other arm on the back of the couch behind my neck.

He was barely touching me. The tips of his tapered fingers only brushed my other shoulder every once in a while. The touch seemed almost unintentional.

But unintentional or not, I suddenly found it easier to remember why I had chosen to read here instead of upstairs.

Eventually February came with the rain and muddy scenery. My days passed by with the same comfortable pattern; I spent my days with Alice and the others, sometimes going hunting with them, and other times I endured Alice's clothing torture. It was obvious that she had decided that I should wear more feminine clothes now - she was constantly offering me a pile of skirts and silk blouses to wear. I couldn't understand it. Jeans and sweaters were much more my style.

Occasionally I tried to make a conversation with Rosalie, but only if I happened to be left alone in the same room with her. Things were still weird between us, and neither of us quite knew the proper way to act in each other's company.

Everyday when Carlisle came home from his shift, I would always borrow another book from him. I knew he had told me that I could read the books in his study whenever I felt like doing it. But I still wanted to wait until he got home - sometimes he would choose a book for himself too, and sit beside me to read.

It was comfortable. And safe.

And to be honest, I didn't know any other ways to read anymore. It was as if something was lacking if I attempted to read alone.

The smell of Carlisle's clothes didn't assault me as badly as it had before when he came home from the hospital. I even started to believe that I was getting used to the light smell of humans clinging to his clothes. It was easier day by day, but I knew I wasn't even close to my comfort zone, or the state of control the others had on theirselves.

Carlisle always insisted that he would change and wash himself after coming home from the hospital. I never complied, and he never stopped offering. It was obvious that my comfort was important to him.

But learning how to control myself was important to _me_.

"Bella?" Rosalie cleared her throat quietly, her voice a little subdued since she was lying under a car. "Could you pass the wrench, please?" Her voice was forcibly polite, even a little remote. "Size twelve," she added.

I didn't understand what the hell had possessed me when I had come down to the garage, knowing very well that Rosalie was there tinkering with Emmett's jeep.

I reached out to grab the piece of metal, kneeling on the cement floor and passing the tool to Rosalie. "This one?" I asked.

She nodded, taking the wrench and starting to wring some complicated part on the bottom of the car.

It was a weird scene - an incredibly beautiful, young woman, with blonde and long hair and the body of a supermodel - lying on her back on the dirty floor, under a muddy jeep.

For a moment I considered getting up and scampering away, but some crazy part of me wanted to stay and see if we were able to be in the same room without any discomfort. If we were going to spend an eternity in each other's presence, we'd have to learn how to tolerate one another at some point.

And so it was, that I sat down on the cool floor, folding my legs underneath me.

Rosalie gave me a curious glance, but didn't say anything. The lack of the possible hostility encouraged me, and the urge to run away and hide in Alice's closet lessened a bit.

I delibarated on asking her what she was doing with the jeep, but then decided against it. I didn't want to bother her, and I wouldn't be able to understand her in any case - I knew nothing about cars. I hadn't even driven one in a long time. I remembered the old, red and rusty Chevy with both tenderness and sadness. If I could focus hard enough, I could almost smell the old leather and musty scent of tobacco and mint...

But I didn't want to remember. Losing those memories wasn't worth the pain I would endure if I thought back those times.

But I missed those times. I missed them much - I missed Charlie. I missed my mom, and Phil... I missed the small rainy town in Washington... I missed everything.

A clang of metal against the cement made me jump.

"Sorry," Rosalie muttered, glancing me from the corner of her eye as she sticked her hand in a narrow gap on the bottom of the jeep. "You okay?"

I had to blink - was Rosalie asking about my welfare?

"Yeah," I breathed, pushing the sorrow aside.

"Could you give me the ratchet?" Rosalie asked, twisting some component with her fingers. Her hands were dirty and oily - it was the first time I saw her willingly getting dirty over something.

But I guess she really liked cars.

I reached out for the ratchet from the tool box, passing it to her. She muttered a thanks, and for my surprise the word didn't sound forced.

I could bet that even Alice hadn't seen this day coming - me and Rosalie, in the same garage fixing a car, and neither of us had been capable of insulting one another yet.

A weird day.

She asked for another wrench after a moment - size fourteen this time - and I gave her one. One part of my mind wondered if she was hoarding all the tools I had passed on to her, and once she was finished she would throw them back at me one by one.

I immediately scolded myself. I should have to get rid of my prejudice towards Rosalie. She hadn't been openly hostile towards me. Maybe I should give her a chance.

And maybe she will give me a chance in return.

"Did Emmett and Jasper go to the city?" Rosalie asked as she fiddled with an oily screw with her nimble fingers.

I had a feeling that she knew the answer already, and that she only asked so she would have something to say to fill the silence. But I eagerly grabbed at the subject, relief flooding over me when the silence ended.

Emmett had been quite vocal when he had expressed his discontent when Alice had asked him to go and pick up the new curtains she had ordered. She was still in the middle of decorating a room for Emmett and Rosalie, and had apparently decided that the room needed new colors, in the form of curtains.

"Yeah," I answered, giving her small pliers when she pointed at them. "Emmett was annoyed," I commented, trying to continue the conversation despite of the awkwardness I felt.

Rosalie gave a short laugh. "I heard. It annoys him that someone as little as Alice can have so much authority."

I chuckled quietly, acting on an impulse when I asked, "How did you meet him?" I realised that I had heard all of their stories but Emmett's.

I hit it right when asking about him. A tender expression rose on Rosalie's beautiful face, the guarded expression disappearing. A certain smile played on her lips - it was a dreamy look of a person who had just fallen in love.

"It was 1935," she said, twisting a screw in it's place. "I was hunting, far away from the house we lived at the time. I found Emmett from the mountains, bleeding - he had been mauled by a bear, you see."

Her tone was partly gentle and amused, but also sad when she told me that he had reminded her of the child her friend had had; a child she had hoped to have herself one day.

"I carried him over a hundred miles to Carlisle so he could change him - I couldn't trust myself to do it. It took all my strength to carry him that far, and I worried that my control would slip any time," she said softly.

"Carlisle changed him - I'm sure that he partly felt like he owed it to me. That he owed me one piece of that happiness I had lost when I had to give up my human life."

Rosalie was silent for a while, tugging at something with the pliers. I wondered if the story ended there - or maybe she thought that I didn't need to know any more than that.

"How did Emmett take it?" I asked anyway. "When he found out what he was?"

Rosalie laughed, surprising me. "Really well, actually. I believe his exact words were 'Hell's not so bad if you get to keep an angel with you.'"

I chuckled and had to agree - Rosalie did look like an angel.

"We fell in love, and married pretty soon. We still get married every now and then," she explained. "No matter how many times I say those vows to him, they never lose their meaning. And still, I know that only one time would be enough for the both of us."

I hummed quietly, surprised how meaningful her sentence was. I had known that they had married several times, but I had always thought that it was because of the show.

But the way she had put it, that to be able to repeat those vows and promises time and time again, and still mean every word - it was indescribable. They really loved each other.

Rosalie cleared her throat. The sound was cautious, as if she was about to say something unpleasant. It puzzled me how much she had been talking during our conversation. I had barely said two words, and I got the feeling that I was getting off too easily.

"Carlisle told me about your parents," she said quietly. I stiffened at her words.

"I'm sorry about the way things turned out," she continued, now sounding genuinely regretful. "How long ago was that?"

I swallowed, gulping a breath of air - the taste of oil and gasoline filled my mouth. "I don't like to talk about it," I said quietly, suddenly hoping that the bottom of the jeep would be much lower, and that Rosalie couldn't see my expression.

But the tires of the jeep were huge, giving a direct line of sight under the car from my sitting position. It made me feel exposed.

I didn't like that. Being exposed. Being exposed meant weakness.

"Of course you don't like to talk about it," Rosalie said, and chuckled humorlessly. "It's easy not to talk about it." Her fingers twisted around something again, and she pulled a metal part from the jeep's interior.

"Charlie died a little over four years ago," I stated, keeping my voice remote. I distanced my mind from the words that escaped through my mouth, dismissing the emotions that attempted to spring free. It was my only protection.

Now they were only words to me. Nothing more, nothing less. Just words.

I could handle that.

"Renée and Phil died a few months later," I said. That sentence came out more easily. They were just words.

And words couldn't hurt me. I didn't allow them to.

A silence followed. I didn't know if I had stunned Rosalie by being so straightforward, or was she searching for words for this uncomfortable situation.

I certainly had surprised myself. I never talked about what had been before; even when the thoughts and memories would follow me, it was easy to push them aside and pretend that they didn't exist.

Sometimes it was easier. Other times, not so easy.

Because no matter how many times I moved, no matter how far I ran, those memories would follow. They were relentless, and they didn't leave me alone.

"That sucks," Rosalie said eventually, drawing a deep breath.

No kidding.

"Could you give me the size eight?" she asked.

Her ordinary request made the situation oddly easier.

My next hour passed that way. Even though I felt far from comfortable and familiar, I was starting to get used to Rosalie's company, and eventually being able to relax a bit. We could be quiet for several minutes until Rosalie would brake the silence by asking another tool. And I would give her one, exchanging a few casual words with her.

I iddly wondered what was going through her mind. And I realised that maybe she somehow understood how I was feeling. She had lost her future and dreams when her human life had ended, but also her family.

Jasper and Emmett returned from the town eventually, soaking wet because it was raining again. They were moving on foot because no cars were available at the moment. Carlisle still had his Mercedes at the hospital, and Rosalie wasn't finished with the jeep.

"Let me see, let me see," Alice pattered later in the living room, tearing the bags from Jasper's grip. She peeked inside and pulled out a dozen packets, all of them containing different colors of curtains.

"Don't worry, they didn't get wet in the rain," Emmett rumbled. "As if I wanted another lecture from you."

Alice hummed approvingly, throwing a warning glance towards Rosalie who emerged from the garage.

Rosalie rolled her eyes, and made her way to the nearest bathroom. The sound of scrubbing and lathering sounded from the hall as she tried to clean her hands of the oil and grime.

Emmett and Jasper disappeared conveniently when Alice started narrating Rosalie about the colors she had preapproved for their bedroom.

I sat on the couch and tried to block their conversation out of my mind, but Alice didn't make it easy for me.

"Bella?" she said, holding out a shiny plastic package. "If you want, I can put these in your room. They are a nice color, right?"

I glanced up from the newspaper, studying the dark color of the curtains through the plastic casing.

It _was_ a nice color - it was the same shade of blue than the walls in Carlisle's bedroom. I had spent my last moments as a human in that room, and I had woken up to this eternal life in that very same room.

I realised that I hadn't been in his bedroom since the night my transformation had been complete. I'd had no reason to go there. It felt too personal and intimate now. It was Carlisle's bedroom, after all.

I took the dark blue curtains from Alice, deciding that I liked the idea of taking a little piece of that calm haven with me into my room. Even if it was via colors.

Alice smiled triumphantly, exchanging a quick look with Rosalie.

As the sun was coming down, and the day was fading to a twilight, Emmett started gathering up a group to go hunting with him. Alice declared that she was too busy with her decoration plans.

Jasper and Rosalie agreed to go with him, and eventually Emmett had somehow managed to persuade me to go with them, too.

After that decision I started to question my own sanity - Emmett was particularly boisterous during that evening. He started sneaking around like a ghost, and I never could have imagined that he would be able to move so damn quietly. The least expected it, he would suddenly pounce from behind a rock or a group of trees. I didn't know what his objective was, but I suspected that he was trying to get me all riled up so he could have a proper challenger for a wrestling match.

As if I wasn't a proper challenge to him already - nearly two months after becoming an immortal, I was still ten times stronger than him.

I did my best to ignore him, but at times I wanted to give him a proper roll on the wet ground.

The wet mud and clay were seeping through my black sneakers as I drained a huge mountain lion dry. The taste was a lot more pleasant than the deer and moose had. It was slightly pungent, but fresh in a certain way, mixed with a tinge of sweetness.

It was drizzling slightly, and I brushed a moist tress of hair from my face as I started to look for the others. Just in case, there was always someone close by every time we went out hunting, because I still wasn't in full control of myself.

My eyes had begun to change color a few days ago. They weren't that same garish crimson they had been last month. The color was rusty, almost orange with red tinges. A little bit like dark tangerine. I couldn't wait until the color would fade to the golden luster the others had, but it would still take some time.

Emmett sauntered lazily from the trees, his hands tucked into his pockets. "How did you like the mountain lion?" he asked with a grin.

I grinned back at him slightly, giving him a shrug. "Better than moose," I stated.

He laughed. "A lot better than moose. Wait until you get to wrestle with bears!"

"Didn't anyone tell you that you shouldn't play with your food?" I remarked, making my way slowly towards him.

"It's not playing," he claimed. "Not completely, anyway. They taste better once you've teased them a little," he explained, his tone ridiculously formal.

"Uh-huh," I chuckled.

"They do!"

"I believe you," I muttered, walking past him. I wished we could get back at the house soon; the rain was soaking through my black sweater and jeans. It didn't make me feel cold or chilly, only slightly uncomfortable.

"So what's your favorite thing about being a vampire?" Emmett queried, asking the same question than a couple of weeks ago. Maybe he hoped that I had come up more serious answer this time.

"That I don't have to shave my legs anymore."

He laughed, shaking his head and slowing his pace to match mine. "You know I'm gonna keep asking until I get a real answer from you right? You can't be a smartass forever."

"We'll see," I bantered. A loud growl echoed through the forest - it sounded like Jasper. I wondered if his prey had gotten away.

"I don't have any particular favorite," I said after a moment as we made our way towards the sounds. "There's too many things that I don't know yet. It's difficult to grasp at anything," I muttered.

"Yeah, it crazy," Emmett agreed. "You'll get used to it someday."

"What do you like the most?" I asked, turning my gaze towards his tall frame.

Emmett frowned. "Many things," he contemplated. "I guess it's not that easy to answer," he admitted. "I like the amount of time, and the freedom that comes from it," he said. He suddenly sounded very... mature. I had gotten used to thinking about Emmett as a goofy big brother who's always making trouble. I didn't know he had this kind of layer in him.

Interesting.

"It's fun to be so strong," he laughed, now reminding a lot more the Emmett I knew. "And there will be a day when I beat you easily," he threatened.

"Sure. Meanwhile, I'll just have to enjoy the fact that the day hasn't arrived yet," I said, and as though to prove my intentions, I nudged him lightly with my hand, causing him to keel over and hit against the muddy ground.

He rasped out, picking himself up slowly from the grimy slush. I laughed.

"Alice will put you in a time out," he thundered, gesturing towards his black jeans. "She makes you stand in a corner. These were expensive."

"They were already covered in mud before I brushed you with my finger," I laughed. "Blame yourself only for being so feeble."

He said something that was without a doubt a witty remark. But I didn't hear him anymore.

Because suddenly the air I was breathing and tasting smelled different. Among the drizzling rain and wind, there was a scent - an aroma - so delicious and powerful that my whole focus was directed at it. The aroma filled my notrils, and I had only a second to realise what was happening. One single second to react somehow, to possibly stop what was about to happen. What I was about to do.

But that second wasn't enough.

Not again.

Fiery redness covered my vision, and nothing else existed anymore, nothing mattered anymore. Nothing.

When had I started to run?

A thundering voice called out a name, but it wasn't my name it called. And I wouldn't have cared if it was.

"Jasper!" someone yelled. "Take right!"

_Take right,_ I repeated in my mind. They were trying to catch me.

I wanted to stop them, to avoid them, but I couldn't think clearly. The sweet scent of orange and linen was befuddling my senses, and it was all that mattered to me right now. I wanted it, and I could almost taste it on my tongue...

My mind conjured up an image of Carlisle's study, and of the small glass on his desk, filled with wet and delicious liquid. The smell of it had been nothing compared to this. It had been nothing compared to the warm blood flowing through the veins, nothing compared to the way the sound of heartbeat reached my ears...

I was so close now. Just a few hundred steps...

Something hard collided with me, and the ground disappeared beneath my feet. The forest floor was hard and wet under my flank. A furious snarl escaped my throat; the sound echoed in the forest, causing a flock of birds to take off from the trees.

I squirmed and writhed beneath the hard grip. I would have easily been able to wriggle myself free, if another pair of hands hadn't come to hold me down.

But I was still stonger than them. I had to be. How else would I be able to get to that human who smelled so sweet...

"Stay still!" someone snarled. The voice wasn't overly angry, but strict and harsh nonetheless.

I hissed and spat, wriggling my arms and legs again. The touches holding me down were harder now.

"Rosalie, cover her mouth," Jasper ordered.

Smooth skin covered my notrils. I had an urge to sink my teeth into the pale flesh.

My growl was subdued and sounded surprisingly pathetic. But my movements were far from pathetic and tenous. I realised now that it was Emmett pressing me down against the ground, and he was really struggling to keep me in place. He chuffed like a steam engine, his white teeth flashing in the dim lighting as he grimaced.

Jasper's voice penetrated my fevered mind. He was somewhere behind my back, without a doubt holding my wrists - or trying to hold them. My nails were digging into his marble skin as I tried to pry myself free from his grasp.

"Stay still, Bella!" he ordered again. "Think about Carlisle. Think about what he will feel if this ends badly." His tone made me wince.

I tried to draw another breath to smell that sweet aroma again. But Rosalie was holding her hand in front of my airways - the urge to bite her was back again, and I made another attempt to struggle myself free.

"Bella!"

It was Emmett's voice this time, and with my hazy mind I realised that he sounded exhausted. He couldn't hold me down very much longer...

"Think about Carlisle!" Jasper almost yelled, his tone fierce. "You're better than this, Bella."

Carlisle. Would he be angry at me? Would he be disappointed in me?

Could he ever forgive me if I slipped? He had to - he didn't understand what this felt like. The drought in my throat was so rough, so burning... He didn't _know_, he couldn't judge me...

Except he did know. He had been here, too. He had smelled the wet scent of human blood, and he hadn't given in like I was about to.

He would be disappointed. Maybe even angry.

It took me a moment to fully realise the situation. My senses were still urging me on, to fight myself free from their grasp, and to get to that prey as fast as possible. Flames scorched and whipped my throat.

Then I realised it; I had done it again.

And I was ashamed.

I sensed movement behind me, and suddenly someone had lifted me up. The trees whirled and whizzed by.

The smooth marble skin had disappeared from my mouth, and suddenly a dark fabric covered my vision. I felt the outlines of Emmett's huge shoulder pressing against my face.

And for a moment I felt relief. They were handling things. They were taking me away. Away from that innocent human who had just been about to die.

I had done it again.

It didn't take long until we were at the house. Emmett's steel grip loosened around my limbs, and he lowered me down to the ground. His maneuvers were gentle and careful, and it made me feel even worse. I didn't deserve any gentle gestures.

I made the mistake of raising my gaze from the wet ground. Three pairs of golden eyes stared back at me.

"Bella - ," Jasper began, but I shook my head and started to march towards the forest. I didn't want to hear what he had to say.

I didn't go too deep into the woods; I certainly didn't let myself. I didn't want to take the risk of going too far and cross paths with another innocent human.

"Oh come on, Bella. Come back," Emmet called, his tone conciliatory.

I didn't listen.

For the first time I was glad that Carlisle was working a double shift today, and he wouldn't be home for hours. His reaction was something I just couldn't take at the moment. I was afraid to face him.

Suddenly I felt very powerless, emotionally drained. I leaned against a huge pine, sliding my back against it until my rear hit the soft hummock that covered the ground.

I couldn't bring myself to care about the wetness that seeped through my jeans. It was irrelevant.

After a moment it started raining again, washing away the mud and clay from my skin and clothes. I wished the rain had the ability to wash and cleanse me more thoroughly. I wished it could wash away the reason for my shame and guilt.

During the next few hours as I slowly drowned in my disgrace, the others came one by one and tried to persuade me to go inside. I sat mutely, too sullen to even give them any verbal answers. They never came too close, and a part of me wondered if they were afraid of my possible reaction. If they were afraid of me.

But I wasn't in a mood for jumping at anyone's throat; I was too drained.

I was tired.

Alice was the most insistent and friendly towards me, and my sullen mood clearly saddened her. I expected her to start apologizing that she hadn't seen tonight's events coming, and it threw me a bit when she didn't. It's not that I wanted her to beg forgiveness or anything; it hadn't been her fault, after all.

I knew she wasn't all-powerful, but she usually acted like a martyr when a certain occasion could have been prevented. But not this time.

It was almost as if she had seen it coming, and she had a reason not to prevent it.

I sat quietly, completely mute as she prattled on about my instincts and how I couldn't have helped it. But eventually she gave up also, and I heard her quiet steps as she went back inside the house.

Even Rosalie came during the evening, her words slightly stiff and forced when she justified that it could have happened to anyone. I found it harder not to talk to her - this was what I had been wanting, right? I had wanted to win her popularity, to get her to like me. To make her hate me less. But I only ground my teeth, continuing to beat myself up inwardly.

She wasn't as persistent as the others, and after receiving a lasting silence, she made her way out of the woods. Quiet chatter wafted from the house, but I blocked the sounds away.

I deserved this desolation. I didn't feel worthy of the others, I didn't _belong_ with them. They had a perfect self-control, and they hadn't gone all crazy after smelling that human. They hadn't chased that scent through the forest like a maniac.

But I had, and it sickened me. I sickened myself.

I had done it again. I had goddamn done it again.

Something stung my eyes, and I blinked rapidly. The raindrops on my cheeks might as well have been tears - I felt like I was crying. I wanted to cry, I craved and needed that pathetic action to make my nerves reset. But it was impossible in this body.

I wanted to shed tears, and I couldn't. I wanted to be completely alone, and I couldn't.

I was incapable.

The sound of a car turning on the road leading to the house made me almost snivel. Tears or no tears.

I didn't want him to come home. I didn't want him to hear what had happened. I didn't want him to know how incompetent I was.

I didn't want to see it in his eyes; the disappintment, frustration...

The car neared the house, and within minutes it pulled inside the garage. The engine was cut off, and soon calm steps made their way inside the house.

Maybe I should just pack my bags and get the hell out. Or maybe I shouldn't even pack - I wondered quickly Alice would see my decision if I just got up and left.

"What's wrong?" I heard Carlisle asking, without a doubt sensing the grim atmosphere inside the house.

Someone cleared his throat, possibly Emmett. "Nothing really," he said, sounding dismissive and maybe even a little bored. His attitude annoyed me.

Jasper's voice floated into my ears as he explained quietly what had happened. I couldn't catch his every word - I was quite far from the house and he was speaking too quietly. But I easily heard Carlisle's sudden intake of breath. He was horrified.

"Where is she?" he asked quietly.

"In the forest," Alice piped up. "She's been there for hours."

"She won't come inside," Rosalie added.

I stopped listening. Their conversation held no interest to me.

_Don't come here_, I begged in my mind.

The front door of the house opened and closed, and quick footsteps crossed the front yard. The pace slowed once coming closer, and there was some sort of caution and waryness in those steps. They weren't the calm and composed steps I had gotten so used to - there was anxiety in them.

How I wished he didn't come here...

My eyes were closed - they had been closed for the past four hours. And I decided to keep it that way. Being a coward was easier. I didn't want to see him. And some childish part of me wished that he couldn't see mee either. That I could be invisible to him if I didn't open my eyes.

My life had been all about invisibility during the past years, and trying to disappear into masses of people; it had been more or less intentional. But I had succeeded creditably - I hadn't been the kind of person who attracted attention, or the kind of girl someone wanted to explore further. I had radiated exclusion and resentment around me, and I had been left alone. I had managed in my quest to be unseen - to be like air to the people around me.

But I didn't succeed now; I wasn't invisible to Carlisle.

"Bella?"

His tone was something I hadn't expected - it was calm and gentle. I repeated his tone in my mind, played it over and over again, studying and searching for anger or exasperation.

I could find none - there was no tinge of displeasure in his voice.

It aggravated me even more. I would have felt better if he was mad at me. I deserved it.

"Leave me alone."

The sentence came out of my mouth more as a snarl than clear words, my tone the complete opposite of Carlisle's soothing tenor.

But getting angry at him didn't make me feel any better. Not that I had expected it to.

"I can't do that," he whispered after a moment of silence.

My inner instinctual response was once again one step ahead of me - a vicious hiss somehow made it's way through my teeth, without any conscious decision.

I realised that I had gotten up from the wet ground. My feet were taking me deeper into the shadowy forest, as if I could march until I got rid of my bad mood.

I probably would have done so, if another pair of feet hadn't been following me.

"Bella, stop," Carlisle said behind me, his tone appeasing and persuasive. His hand grabbed my elbow, and with another hiss I whirled around to face him.

_Go to hell._

I must have looked really wrathful, because Carlisle let my arm fall from his grasp, and he took a quick step backwards.

"What do you want?" I demanded with a stamp of my foot.

The subtle rain was dampening Carlisle's golden hair, and the humidity in the air caused the clinging smell of humans evaporate from his clothes.

There was no doubt that he had been working with blood today - the scent was tantalizing, and I felt that it almost mocked me; it squirmed it's way into my nostrils to humiliate me even further. As if to remind me that I had almost spilled the blood of an innocent human today.

That I had failed.

"Why are you so upset?" Carlisle asked quietly, oblivious of my inner yearning to disappear from the face of the earth.

"Why shouldn't I be?" I spat, turning around again to avoid his bewilderment. The look in his eyes was so ingenuous and sincere, so _innocent, _that I had difficulty meeting his gaze.

My feet were taking me deeper into the woods, and I didn't care where or how far. I only knew that I needed to get away from his untainted presence.

But he was stubborn and persistent, and his steps were as determined as his voice was. I didn't deserve his perseverance, the blind confidence he had in me. I had failed him by giving in to my feral instincts - and I would fail him again for sure.

When would he realise that?

"Bella, please stop," he pleaded again. His hand gripped my elbow, harder than the last time. "Stop," he said, and now his voice was more demanding.

I slowed my steps, and finally came to a halt to glare at him.

He ignored my glowering, letting go of my elbow. "Why are you taking this so heavily?" he asked softly.

I huffed incredulously. "Heavily?" I repeated. "Do you not now what I almost did?" I asked, my voice ripping through two octaves.

"Of course I do," he answered, his tone as calm and patient as before.

"Doesn't it bother you at all?" I demanded, and the tremor in my voice annoyed me.

"Nothing serious happened," he said slowly. "The situation was prevented and under control."

I laughed ruthlessly and without any joy. "Nothing serious?" I repeated. "Under control? I almost killed that human and you don't even bat an eye!" I vaguely realised that I had raised my voice, and I was now shouting at him.

I didn't know if it was my loud voice or my words that made him flinch - maybe it was both. But I was glad to have some sort of a rational reaction out of him.

"But you didn't," he tried, receiving another angry hiss from me. "Jasper and Emmett stepped in before anything happened. Why are you so hard on yourself?" he asked, and now there was a slight edge in his tone; some of his frustration towards me was breaking through.

"What makes you think that you have done something unforgivable, Bella?" he asked. "You can't expect too much of yourself at this point. You are still too young to be able to control yourself completely. And as unfortunate it is, accidents happen and sometimes we can't help it."

"So you're just going to accept that?" I asked. My eyes stung again, and I swallowed the sob that almost managed to slip from my mouth. "Just like that? You're expecting that someday I come back home, and I tell you that I've just slaughtered a bunch of kids," I hissed.

He looked at me for a long time, staying completely silent. Then he closed his eyes, and his mouth moved soundlessly, as if he was praying for patience.

"I know it's difficult," he said finally as he opened his eyes, piercing me with his golden eyes. "And of course I don't _expect _it, Bella. It pains me to even imagine that you should carry such a burden someday."

The edge in his tone was back, and now he almost sounded angry; I had never seen him like that. "Do you think that I would think any less of you because of one moment of weakness?" he asked. "Do you believe that I think any less of the others after they have lost control and taken an innocent life? Do you believe that it's _easy _- , " he stopped to lick his lips quickly while I stood there, stunned by his outburst. " - to see the regret and guilt after someone has died?"

I ground my teeth and lowered my gaze, feeling repressed.

"Emmett and Jasper have faced it," he continued. "Alice had faced it; when they have lost their focus for one single second, and it has cost someone's life. I've had to witness it countless of times. And it's never easy to accept," he said slowly. "And yet," he went on. "Do you think that it makes me care about them any less? Do you think that I love them any less? Do you think that I love y- , " he stopped and grimaced, looking like he wanted to bite his tongue off.

I stopped breathing.

The forest echoed after his words. They clung in the silent air, almost as if to tease; as if the silence was daring him to finish his aborted sentence.

"What did you say?" I asked, my voice feeble as I stared at him.

Carlisle didn't meet my gaze, shaking his head as he tried to turn away.

It was me who grabbed his elbow this time, and stopped him from turning around and running away. My voice sounded surprisingly angry and demaning even in my own ears.

"What did you almost say?" I pressed, all the anger and frustration I had felt today suddenly erupting and lacing my tone with venom. I didn't know why I was so snappy at him - one part of my mind wondered if the stress I had endured was just too much, even for a vampire. I could almost hear my brain cells snapping and popping.

The muscles of his arm were hard under my grasp, and he tensed as he turned around.

"You know very well what I was about to say," he breathed, a strange glow in his eyes making the golden irises flame.

Blackness was slowly seeping through the gold, conquering the ochre hues until the ebony darkness prevailed.

His movements were both calculated and hasty as he took a step forward, and grabbed my arms almost desperately. He held my gaze intensely, and I had only a moment to realise what was about to happen.

And during that one short moment, a thrill traveled through me; an earthquake could have hit and I wouldn't have noticed a difference between that, and the shudder that traveled through my spine.

His mouth clashed against mine, his lips warm and soft as they explored my own.

It wasn't gentle and sweet, adorable and tender - it was fierce and vehement, demanding and desperate. It was nothing and everything the first kiss should be. It lasted forever, and yet it was over before it had even started.

With a sharp inhale he pulled away, and I had a weird feeling in my chest; the lack of the thundering heartbeat felt foreign.

His hands were still holding my arms tightly, and for a moment we just stood there like statues. The forest was silent, and only the sound of our hard breathing could be heard.

"Why did you do that?" I asked, my voice uneven and a little breathless.

Suddenly Carlisle looked tortured. The light in his eyes died, and he ran a trembling hand through his moist hair.

"I'm sorry," he whispered and turned away, his face twisting with shame and regret.

It was my hand again that stopped his evasive movement, and prevented him from escaping. It was my hand that twisted around his blue tie, and pulled him closer to meet my lips again.

They were my hands that studied the muscles of his body; my hands that pressed against the flat muscles of his abdomen until traveling upper to curl around his biceps. His muscles were hard and ridig against me as he pulled me even closer. His other hand slid upwards, tangling in my moist hair as his mouth explored mine again.

It felt so wrong, but so _right_. I poured every moment of frustration and anger, every emotion, every blow of electricity I had ever felt in his company, into that kiss. I pushed away the caution and guilt, and the thoughts about how wrong and inappropriate this was. I pushed away those little voices in my head that told me to stop and shield my broken heart from this. That little voice told me that this wouldn't end well, that I would end up regretting this sooner or later.

But I was deaf to those sounds, as I was a slave for my own heart.

We took our time this time; I opened my lips a little wider to give him better access. His tongue and lips played with mine, and a soft moan escaped my mouth. His other hand was kneading my hip almost painfully, while mine left his tie and traveled to his broad shoulder. The fabric in my grasp ripped, but Carlisle was like he didn't even notice - his only response was to pull me even closer.

How many times had I secretly drawn in his intoxicating scent? How many times had I found myself from his study to search that fragrance when he was at the hospital and unreachable? The way he smelled always managed to befuddle my senses; it was addicting, alluring and ten kinds of ways delicious...

But it was nothing compared to the way he tasted. It was a complicated mix of citrus, melon, amber, musk and apples... I couldn't distinguish them all. And I decided not to waste my time and focus on that right now; I was too busy.

I just wanted to feel, and let the moment take me.

Eventually we stopped and broke away, and one part of my mind wondered why we were so out of breath. It's not like we needed any oxygen to survive. But we were both almost panting as we stood there, our hands still clinging to each other even when the kiss had ended.

Carlisle leaned his forehead against mine, swallowing hard. His breaths were warm and sweet against my face as I tried to even out my own breathing.

My hands traveled up and locked behind his neck, and I had to stop to savor the smooth skin, and the soft, moist locks of golden hair under my touch. I kept my eyes closed - I didn't dare to open them.

Everything had just changed between us, and yet it felt like everything was as it used to be. How twisted was that?

Was he still the same Carlisle? The man I had become to know as my friend, the man who had been my company during the last few months when life had thrown trials and obstacles on my road? Was he the same man who had saved my life, in more ways than one?

Carlisle had always been safe to me; was he still the same, compassionate person I had come to know? Was he still safe?

I heard him taking a deep breath, his grip on my hair loosening a bit. "Dear God," he whispered, sounding astounded.

Was he regretting what had happened? Was he resenting himself, and me, for what had transpired between us?

There was no going back now. Every suppressed and stifled feeling, every innocent moment and exchange of looks could be seen in a different light now. Something that had been there for a very long time had broken through the surface.

Carlisle seemed as shaken and confused as I was. His movements were almost reluctant as he pulled back to gaze into my eyes.

I opened them, if only but to see that he was still here. That he was the same person I had grown so close to. And I wanted to see if there was any regret in his gaze - I couldn't bear it if I had managed to bring discomfort to him.

His eyes were the same golden than before, now with darker hues of desire; he was still a prisoner of the passed moment.

But he was still Carlisle. And I didn't want to be afraid.

He swallowed, removing his hand from my tangled locks and reaching out to tuck a lock of moist hair behind my ear.

"Should we not have done that?" he asked, his voice quiet and husky. He swallowed again.

"I don't know," I whispered, hoping that he would have had the answer to that question. But it seemed that he was as confused as I was.

His hand was warm and smooth on my neck. On an impulse, I stepped closer and leaned my head against his chest.

Because I craved for something tangible, something constant at the moment. The ground had shifted beneath my feet, and the world was different to me than an hour ago. It was foreign and unfamiliar.

Carlisle must have sensed my need for tranquility, because he wrapped his arms around my shoulders gently. Or maybe he needed the same reassurance as I did. Maybe the ground had rocked beneath his feet, too.

I felt him lowering his chin against the top of my head, and I took a deep breath, my nose pressed against his chest. His spicy scent was mixed with the smell of humans and hospital. The subtle rain was diluting those smells, and his own wonderful scent managed to push through strongly. It calmed me down more than anything.

The heart in his chest was quiet. I didn't know why it managed to surprise me time and time again.

My hands sweeped his shoulders; the fabric under my touch was moist from the rain as my fingers played with the torn part of his shirt. When had I managed to rip it?

"I ruined your shirt again," I muttered against his chest.

A deep chuckle soughed from his chest. The sound was like a breath of wind, only a lot more calming and much more beautiful. "Don't worry about it," he whispered with another chuckle.

We stood there for a long time. Maybe for hours, maybe for days, I didn't know. But when the ground was stable and motionless under our feet again, I slowly pulled away.

The silence was heavy with awkwardness and confusion. I didn't know what to say, and neither did he.

I had come to this forest to hide away, to escape the events of this afternoon. I had tried to hide from the others, from my guilt, from Carlisle and from myself.

And what had happened instead of succeeding in my attempts to hide and run away?

"Why did you kiss me?" I asked straightforward, startled by my own words.

"Why did _you_ kiss _me_?" he asked back, his face solemn but a tinge of amusement coloring his tone.

"You kissed me first," I breathed. His gaze made my knees tremble. Was that even possible? A vampire with trembling knees - that would be a first.

"That's not a reason," Carlisle argued gently, a small smile making the side of his mouth quirk.

I swallowed. Why _had_ I kissed him?

I realised that I had no sensible answer - I certainly hadn't planned on kissing him. Carlisle had been always unreachable to me, a reminder that he was everything I could never be, and everything I could never have.

His golden eyes imprisoned me again.

"Because I wanted to," I whispered, not having anything more to offer. My feelings were tangled and tumbled, and I had no way to solve them.

But my words were true, and for once I could be honest with him, and with myself. This was something I couldn't lie about.

Carlisle drew in a deep breath, his fingers pressing lightly against my hip. He pushed the hem of my sweater aside, brushing the revealed skin of my lower back with his fingers. It made me shiver.

"And why..." he frowned a bit, continuing to stroke my lower back. "...would you want to do that?" he asked, his voice low and a mere whisper.

"I don't know," I answered truthfully. "Is this wrong?" I asked, shaking my head bashfully. "I'm so confused."

"As am I," Carlisle whispered, his tone soothing and comforting.

And there it was, in his eyes; the same confusion and bewilderment that I felt was mirrored from those golden orbs. And for a moment, I felt relief for the fact that I wasn't alone in my confusion.

"Why did you kiss me?" I asked again, remembering I had yet to receive an answer.

The movement of his fingers on my lower back ceased, but the touch remained. His other hand traveled to rest on my shoulder, and he played with a lock of my hair almost absent-mindedly. He didn't meet my gaze, and another frown wrinkled his forehead.

"I guess... I guess I have been wanting to do that for a long time," he confessed with a self-conscious chuckle. "Your presence draws me in, more than you may realise," he whispered.

Again, I felt like my knees should buckle, and the heat should be rushing to color my cheeks - and I realised that his words pleased me immensely.

"Does that bother you?" he asked, and now his eyes were on my face again, studying my features.

I repeated his question in my mind, trying to find an honest answer.

Wasn't this the kind of a thing I had constantly struggled to protect myself from? I didn't want to care, to be attached - I didn't want to give my heart to anyone, because by giving my heart away I also gave the permission - the power - to break it.

But when I looked at Carlisle, I realised that my attempts to avoid getting emotionally attached to anyone had failed a long time ago. That failure had originated months ago, on that night inside my hospital room when he had returned into my life. I already was attached to him; he was my friend, my confidant, and as much as I was afraid to admit it to myself, I was drawn to his presence too. More than I should be. More than I was supposed to.

Carlisle had taken my long silence in a wrong way. Distress and regret washed over his features as he took a step backwards, letting go of my hip. The lock of my moist hair he had played with dropped onto my chest, above the spot where my silent heart resided.

The lack of his touch felt wrong. Just wrong.

I wouldn't have any of that.

Which is why I took a step closer, closing the short distance between us with one quick stride. I almost considered kissing him again, just to let him know that I wasn't bothered by his presence. But I knew we had too many things to work through, too many unfinished discussions.

Instead, I only took his hand in mine, giving it a gentle squeeze.

I wondered when I had become this different person who wasn't afraid of any affectionate touches. For the past few years I had avoided showing affection as much as I could, and I had learned to live without it - it had been easy to live without it. I realised that it was Carlisle who had introduced me to those normal gestures again. Touching had always been so easy to him, and even a slight brush of his fingers had been full of affection and tenderness.

"It doesn't bother me," I reassured him.

"You don't have to say that, Bella," he whispered, shaking his head. "You don't have to do anything to spare my feelings. I realise that the situation is odd and confusing, and even a little inappropriate. I know I shouldn't feel what I feel," he said quietly, and I didn't know anymore if he was trying to convince himself or me.

"I'm not saying it to spare your feelings," I insisted, stepping even closer. I let his hand drop from my grasp and I settled my palms on his shoulders. "Believe me, if I didn't want to be here I would have been gone a long time ago. Feelings and relationships scare the shit out of me," I stated. Carlisle's raised his brow at the cuss word.

"And I am a bit scared," I confessed.

My words caused Carlisle to frown, and his hands rose to circle my waist. "Why?" he asked.

I deliberated on if I should answer - I wasn't sure I wanted to share so much about myself. I had given a lot during this evening, and I knew that I hadn't been this open to anyone in a long time. It made me vulnerable.

There was a part of me that still wanted to run, to get the hell out. It was the part of me that was afraid to trust, the part of me I had listened and obeyed for a long time. I had learned to rely on that corner of my mind during these years spent in solitude. It had kept me safe.

But Carlisle was safe, too. Wasn't he?

I wanted to believe he was. I wanted to trust him.

"I'm not used to this," I whispered. There was a slight panic in my voice, and I had to take a deep breath before continuing. "Grief is the price you pay for love, right? I don't want that grief," I sputtered. He had to understand, he had to _see._

I expected him to start reassuring me, that he would start saying that he wouldn't leave me. But the sadness in his eyes surprised me, and with a heavy sigh he brushed my cheek with his finger. "I know," he said.

And he _did_ know. Maybe he was struggling with those same thoughts himself - he knew the grief after losing someone, after all.

"I know it is frightening," he whispered. "And I understand that." His hand sought my own, and as if by a mutual agreement, we slowly turned and started to make our towards the house.

Towards home.

"What happens now?" I asked, the uncertainty conquering me again. "What do we tell the others?"

What could we tell the others? There was a lot of things that we hadn't even shared with each other, yet. How could we explain ourselves to them, when we didn't know how to explain it to ourselves?

Carlisle's hand was warm against my own. "We'll take one day at the time," he said quietly, giving my hand a gentle squeeze.

There was a silent promise in his words, and I could hear it even if he didn't say it out loud. For a moment I felt like we were speaking the same language, a language that no one else could hear or understand. I had never been on the same level with anyone, and it threw me a bit when I got the feeling that I could actually belong here, beside him.

One day at the time, he had said.

I had trust in his soundless promise.

* * *

"What happened to your shirt?"

Emmett's tone was something between confusion and amusement as he studied the ripped shoulder of Carlisle's pale blue shirt.

Carlisle cleared his throat, the sound revealing slight discomfort as he studied the dark floor of the hallway. "Nothing," he answered with highlighted innocence.

Alice was leaning against the doorframe of the living room, a wide smile lighting up her cherub face. I realised that she knew what had transpired between Carlisle and myself, and a part of me wondered how long she had waited for this day to come.

"Nothing? Then why is it torn?" Emmett asked pointedly. I started to sneak quietly towards the staircase, being very careful not look at Alice's triumphant expression on my way.

"Hey Bella," Emmett howled. "You didn't beat him up, did you?"

I had one foot on the first stair, and I really had to focus on not squeezing the wooden railing too hard. I turned my upper body slowly, meeting Carlisle's gaze.

His golden eyes imprisoned me. I took a deep breath to prevent myself from drooling, and sweeped Emmett with my gaze quickly. "Of course I didn't," I stated, attempting to achieve a reproachful tone. But my voice turned out to be a little high-pitched and feeble.

Nice.

"Uh-huh," Emmett mumbled, raising his brow suspiciously. Before I turned around to continue my way upstairs, I thought I saw him suppressing a grin. It made me wonder how much Alice actually knew, and more importantly, how much she had shared with the others.

I exhaled deeply when I reached the peaceful and quiet atmosphere of my room. I made my way quicky to the attached bathroom, getting rid of my drenched clothes on the way. Streaks of clay and mud had started to dry in my hair, reminding me of the afternoon. The memory of the human blood was still sharp in my mind. Unforgettable.

But I realised that this time it had been nearly too easy to forget those almost fateful events of our hunting trip, to forget that I had once again been too close of taking someone's life. Carlisle's kiss had been quite distracting, causing me to forget everything else, even the reason for my earlier grim mood.

As the warm water cascaded down my body and caressed my marble skin, that's when I really comprehended it.

Carlise had kissed me.

And I had kissed him.

We had kissed.

Sweet mother of god.

Carlisle's quiet voice coming from downstairs intensified my wonderment. I heard him excusing himself from Emmett's and Alice's company, saying that he had paperwork to finish. His quiet steps leading towards his study were followed by the sound of his briefcase snapping open. Soon the tip of a ballpointpen started scribbling against a paper.

Another set of steps came from downstairs, more quiet this time. Alice's happy humming echoed from the walls as she opened the door of my room.

I gripped the shower curtain, drawing it in front of me. It wouldn't have been the first time Alice saw me without clothes - being comfortable without any piece of fabric was sometimes a necessity in her company, once she got too enthusiastic while trying different clothes on me.

But I needed that covering veil to hide behind it, almost as if to shield me. Not seeing directly into Alice's eyes made the situation somehow easier, and it made me less vulnerable.

The bathroom door creaked open, and I heard Alice sitting on the tile floor. Curiosity emanating from her was so intense that it almost burned a hole into the shower curtain.

I suppressed a sigh.

"What's up, Alice?" I asked, pretending I had no idea why she was so worked up.

"Nothing," she sang, laughter in her voice.

Suddenly I would have given anything if the walls had been soundproofed - there was no privacy in this house due to the supernatural hearing everyone possessed. I realised that I needed Alice's company, I needed her _advice_. The situation was so complicated and confusing, and I felt like I could explode if I couldn't share anything with anyone.

And the person I wanted to talk to the most was in the next room, focusing on paperwork. I never would have thought that I could be jealous of a stack of papers, but that day had arrived now.

I shook my head, irritated, wondering if Alice could help me to solve my head. But what if she didn't like the situation Carlisle and I had drifted into?

But she did _seem_ to like it. I couldn't recall the last time I had seen Alice so happy. And I realised that she had probably gotten used to the situation already - who knows how long she had known about this.

But how would the others take it? I had just managed to get along with Rosalie somehow. What would she think when she found out that I had kissed Carlisle, a person she considered as her father figure?

My head neared the explosion point again.

I turned the water tap to finish my shower, wrapping a towel around myself before emerging from the shadows of the curtain.

Alice radiated pure satisfaction as she sat cross-legged in the middle of the bathroom. I stopped the urge to roll my eyes at her, and instead I made my way to the wide mirror that adorned one wall of the bathroom. The hot water had caused the sleek surface to get covered in steam, and right now it was the only way of private communication.

The tips of my marble fingers creaked against the cool surface when I wrote,** What happens now?**

Alice looked smug, standing up gracefully and closing the small distance between us. Instead of giving any verbal or rational answers that I craved, she only drew a large heart on the steamy surface of the mirror.

I wanted to stab her.

"That's not helping!" I hissed between my teeth.

"Relax," Alice whispered with a smile. "And let me get you something to wear."

It took a half an hour of rummaging through my closet to find me something to wear. Alice had filled my wardrobe with different garments during these last few weeks, and most of them were still unused. I wanted to wear something normal, something familiar, and for once Alice listened to my opinions. I guess she sensed my need of normalness on this weird day.

The only time-consuming matter was the color of the sweater I should wear with my blue jeans. Why did everything had to be this difficult?

"The burgundy is fine, Alice," I sighed. She pursed up her lips, a pondering frown lining her eyebrows. "Please," I asked, reaching out to take the soft garment from her and pulling it on leisurely.

After that I didn't quite know what to do next.

There was nothing to keep my mind occupied anymore - no showering, no hairwashing, no more thinking about what to wear... my mind had too much space now, and it allowed me to get in a tizzy.

I heard Carlisle rummaging through his papers, and then his steps echoed from the walls as he exited his study. I heard him making his way to the end of the hall into his bedroom. The sound of clothes rustling against the marble skin could be heard.

What was he expecting from me now? Did he want us to talk? Did he want me to talk? Was he expecting a group of confessions from me?

I didn't know if I was ready for that.

A sigh escaped my mouth, and I decided that it was best if I just tried not to stress. It was no use, and I didn't want to spoil this day by worrying.

Because the day had been rather amazing, despite of the dangerous situation with that human earlier in the afternoon.

Alice started to view and spread out the new curtains she had given me earlier. I grasped at the distraction - quite literally - and helped her to hang them in front of the large window.

The blue color was soothing, and after we had finished hanging the large curtains to bring more character into the room, I realised that my mind was a lot calmer and more clear than it had been during the whole day.

Someone turned on the TV downstairs, and Alice informed at the same time that she wanted to take a walk with Jasper, disappearing through the door after I had thanked her for the curtains.

My feet worked on their own accord as they took me to the hallway and started to lead me towards the room at the end of the hall.

The door was closed - was it a sign? Did he try to tell me that I wasn't welcome, that he wanted privacy? That he wasn't in the mood to talk?

What if he regretted those moments in the woods? What if he had realised that this was silly, that our kiss had been a mistake?

I turned around and took a step towards the staircase, my nerves getting the better of me. But Carlisle's voice stopped me.

"Come in," he called from inside the room.

A dozen feelings went through my head, most of them portraying relief. But at the same time the anguish inside me reached a whole another level. I hesitated, turning towards the door again. After a deep breath, I reached out with my hand to turn the knob, and then I stepped quietly inside.

Carlisle was standing in front of the bookshelf, staring down at the row of pictures. It didn't take a rocket scientist to know which photo had claimed his attention.

Esme's smile was exuding affection and love as she smiled at the camera. The way Carlisle was looking at the picture made me feel like an intruder; like I had disturbed a moment that was somehow very intimate and private. The look in his golden eyes didn't flare any guilt in me as I had expected it to. I only felt sadness and grief, because that was what Carlisle must have been feeling right now.

Because Esme wasn't here by his side.

I turned my gaze away, studying the dark blue walls to get something to think about. It had been weeks since I had set a foot in this room.

I looked at the bed, covered with blue satin, remembering the way the cool fabric had felt against my skin when I had been a human. And I remembered how the same fabric had grated me painfully during my moments of transformation. The memory made me almost flinch.

During my silent reminiscence, Carlisle had turned to look at me.

His eyes were nothing I had expected them to be. I had expected to see the sadness and grief in them after studying Esme's photograph, but there was only a silent delight in his golden irises, combined with tranquility. Like he had managed to make peace with something, with himself.

Maybe he had.

Could I ever be able to achieve that same peace? To look back at my life, and the people in it, and to accept that they were no longer here?

I felt that I still had a long way to walk before reaching that goal.

Carlisle extended his arm, calling me to him. It was the invitation I couldn't resist. And I didn't want to.

I took a cautious step forward, taking the hand he had offered, and stepped closer to him. For a moment he just studied me silently, like I was something worth studying for. He looked at me like he was seeing something pleasant.

I started to feel self-conscious under his gaze, and again I expected the blush to creep up to my cheeks. I directed my gaze at Esme's picture to avoid his heavy gaze.

The picture captured her essence perfectly. Her smile was as warm as the sun, which she had been in many ways.

Carlisle draped his arm over my shoulder, pulling me closer. Like I wasn't close enough for him; his need for my proximity managed to surprise me. But at the same time I understood. I felt like I couldn't get close enough to him, either. Only it was easier for Carlisle to call me closer, than it was for me to near him. Touching and closeness was so easy and natural to him, but for me those things had been forbidden for a long time.

My fingers played idly with the hem of his dark grey sweater. I let it fall from my grasp after a moment, worrying that I would rip this garment, too.

"What's on your mind?" he asked quietly, his lips brushing lightly against my forehead.

My eyes darted back at the picture of Esme, and then I let my gaze study the rest of the row, finding the photo I was searching for - the boy with the hair of bronze, his pale face lighted up with a crooked smile.

"Do you miss them?" I whispered.

I felt him taking a deep breath, and then let it out slowly. His breath was warm against my moist hair. I felt him pulling back slightly, and he let his hand rest behind my neck as he searched my gaze.

"Every single day of my life," he answered simply.

"Will it ever get better?" I whispered.

There was sadness in his touch as he tucked a lock of hair behind my ear.

But there it was again, in his eyes; the acceptance. "Someday," he said quietly. "The pain fades in time, to the point that... you're able to appreciate the moments spent with them, instead of remembering them with grief." The words were spoken with wisdom, and I knew he spoke from experience. And I hoped that one day I could reach the same point he had.

And meanwhile, as I waited for the wounds to heal and scab, and when they eventually would leave permanent scars that could never be erased, I could find myself glad that I wasn't alone on my journey.

Because my wounds were his wounds, and the things that scarred me left the same scars in him; my pain was his, as his was mine.

I wasn't alone.

Carlisle leaned closer, his lips leaving a tender kiss on my cheek. There was tenderness in his touch, and as his hands rose to my shoulders to hold me, he did so very gently. Very lightly, as if I was something precious and easily breakable. Something fragile and dear.

I didn't care about the noise of the flat screen downstairs. I didn't care about the fact that someone might be listening, and hear our tender moment.

I didn't care if someone heard the light sound caused by Carlisle's lips as they brushed against my own.

And even if some part of me happened to care, the worry was forgotten soon.

Because Carlisle's lips on mine took all my focus.

* * *

**A/N:  
**Oops. A long chapter.

Those two had it coming. I might have dragged it out a little too long, but finally, _finally_, they kissed. And I have no words to describe the way I felt when I finally got to write that kiss scene - I've waited for so long. But you know what I mean. I'm sure that I'm not the only one who has gotten impatient.

I didn't want the first kiss to be like a fairytale everything-is-so-beautiful-and-lovely -kind of a kiss. I wanted it to be a little out of control, a ground-shuddering moment. I'm eager to see more of those moments between them in the future... ;)

The quote _"Hell's not so bad if you get to keep an angel with you." _can be found from the Twilight Saga Wiki, from Emmett Cullen's biography.

I hope you enjoy my story, let me know what you think! :)


	36. Chapter 36: Bliss

**AN: Hello! My weekly update is a bit late, because it's been a crazy week and by now I'm pretty sure it'll never be over.  
**

**I've been going through the story again last week, correcting grammar and mistakes I've missed before. I've gone through almost all chapters by now, and hopefully they are a little better. Please keep pointing out the mistakes and errors, I take no offense if you do :) I don't have a beta-reader, and at this point I'm not very eager to get one. This language is sometimes very hard for me because I'm not a native speaker, but I learn better when I get to correct mistakes by myself instead of having someone to automatically fix them for me. **

**One of my readers wondered if Bella did drugs during her past while having those restless encounters. My answer is that she might have some experiences with intoxicants such as alcohol, and maybe even some stronger substances. Luckily it didn't get too far and out of hand to the point that she became addicted or anything.**

**By the way, thanks to Cindy a.k.a No sound but the Wind 2b for introducing me to a wonderful band called Editors. The song called The Picture is constantly playing on my mp3-player, and I can't get enough of it! :) Check it out, it's awesome.**

**Now I'll shut up and let you find out what Carlisle is thinking about this new situation with Bella...**

* * *

_**We can never go home**_  
_** We no longer have one**_  
_** I'll help you carry the load**_  
_** I'll carry you in my arms**_  
_** The kiss of the snow**_  
_** The crescent moon above us**_  
_** Our blood is cold**_  
_** And we're alone**_  
_** But I'm alone with you**_

_** Help me to carry the fire**_  
_** We will keep it alight together**_  
_** Help me to carry the fire**_  
_** It will light our way forever**_

- Editors, _No sound but the wind -_

* * *

**Bliss**

CPOV

What did I do to to earn this bliss?

This was the question I had been asking from myself for the past hours. And no matter how long I pondered and mulled over it, I simply couldn't find an answer that would satisfy me enough.

My past hours had been spent in the haze of memories. My mind conjured up images and visions of the previous evening incessantly, and I made no attempt to cease those images. They were simply too wonderful.

What had possessed me during those moments in the woods last night? What had made me take that daring risk to pull Bella closer, and brush my lips against hers? It had been audacious, hazardous and ten kinds of ways foolish - I had risked everything I had with her, I had risked our friendship and her trust in me that already rested on a shaky ground.

I could have easily scared her away, tainting and ruining everything between us.

At first I had been certain that the kiss had been a mistake. I still recalled the angry flare in Bella's dark tangerine irises when she had pulled away, demanding the reason for my actions. I remembered the regret in my heart, the bitter feeling of losing. The feeling that I was about to give something up. That I was forced to give _her_ up. Because she didn't feel the same.

My shock and surprise had been tangible when she had done something to make the solid ground beneath my feet shudder. Her urgent lips on mine, her tiny hand wrapped around my tie, her fingers fisting around the fabric of my shirt... Those were the things I would never forget, and I was glad to carry them with me the rest of my existence.

My heart had been singing with joy and delight, and I still recalled the breathtaking sensation of hope - that maybe, somehow, she felt something too. That maybe, by some quirk of fate, she could care about me the same way I cared for her.

How could it be, that I got to be so lucky?

"Are you still here?"

The sudden voice somehow managed to startle me. I pulled away from my thoughts rather reluctantly, and turned my gaze towards Dr. Wiley.

Her shoes clapped against the wet concrete as she made her way towards the hospital parking lot, her gray eyes curious as she regarded me with her gaze. She stopped a few yards away from me, shifting a stack of papers on her arms.

"Car trouble?" she asked with a friendly tone. I understood her puzzlement towards the fact that I was still here, outside in the hospital parking lot, standing and staring at the grey sky. My shift had ended a half an hour ago, and I knew I should have headed home by now. But my stream of thoughts had captured me, and I had lost the track of time.

"No, thank you for asking," I answered politely as I shook my head. "I was just about to head home." I took once last glance at the sky, happiness filling me when I realised that Bella would be waiting for my return.

Of course she always waited me at home, but this time it felt somehow different.

Dr. Wiley laughed quietly, shaking her head as she walked over to her own car, throwing the papers on the front seat. Her amusement puzzled me, and I raised a brow at her reaction.

"I know that look," she explained with a smirk. The red curls bounced as she shook her head slightly again.

"Look?" I asked, frowning confusedly.

She laughed again, her smile almost teasing now, although I could see that she was trying hard to stay more serious. "I'm sure she's a lovely girl," she stated before getting in the car and driving away, leaving me stunned.

Women and their instincts.

I had never thought of myself as a transparent person. But I guess it was yet another thing that Bella had changed in me. Or maybe I was simply radiating happiness around me today.

I got into my car and drove away, leaving the hospital and the grey sky behind me. But the one thing I didn't leave behind, was my smile.

The journey home seemed longer than usual, and for the first time in a long while I found myself impatient.

And when I arrived, the sight awaiting me in the garage was perplexing.

Curiously enough, Bella was sitting next to Emmett's jeep and handing over tools to Rosalie who was lying down under the vehicle. I was happy that they were starting to get along, although I knew it was bound to be difficult at first.

Bella greeted me with a shy smile as I got out of the car, and I had a feeling that if she were a human she might have been blushing right now. She passed a tool to Rosalie, the latter thanking her quietly from under the car.

"No problem," Bella said. Their word exchange was a bit stiff, and I wondered if it was because they were still rather uncomfortable in each other's presence, or had they had a difficult conversation before my arrival.

I waved my hand at Bella, deciding that it was best if I just left them alone - I didn't wish to interrupt anything. I was only glad that they were able to get along.

I made my way into the house, reminding myself that I had the entire evening and night to spend with Bella. We were still getting used to the situation between us, and I was enjoying every moment immensely - I felt as though I had the permission to touch her more freely and show her affection, now when the matters were more out in the open.

At least that was the case between us; we still hadn't shared anything with the other members of the family. Alice and Jasper knew, of course. It was both relief and nuicance to live with a couple withe the other one being a psychic, and the other one being able to sense emotions.

I thought back at the night weeks ago when I had been hunting with Jasper, contemplating his suspicions about the mating bond. It was yet another matter I should discuss with Bella, and a part of me worried about her possible reaction. There was a lot of things we should discuss, but I had no wish to put her under too much pressure. A part of me still waited for her to run away.

On my way to the staircase, I stopped by at the living room, greeting Jasper and Emmett. Both of them had immersed themselves in a card game, and I noted that they were both smiling at me in a manner that was rather disturbing. It made me wonder that when we decided to share our news with Bella, would they be any news at all. There were no secrets in this house.

I made the rest of the way into my study and started on the paperwork, working in a slow human pace. It always managed to quiet my rushing thoughts and ease my mind.

Bella's quiet steps coming upstairs reached my ears before long, and I strode to the door before she had the chance to knock. I allowed myself three whole seconds to study her form before ushering her in.

"How was your day?" she asked when I pulled her to sit beside me on the leather couch under the window.

_Wonderful, because you were in my thoughts._

"Busy," I answered aloud, draping my arm over her shoulder. "How was yours?"

She melted under my touch, hesitating before settling better against my side. Her head fell against my chest, and I heard her taking a careful breath against my shirt. And then I realised that I was still wearing the clothes I had worn in the hospital.

"Oh Bella, I'm sorry," I apologized, drawing my arm away, knowing that the smell of humans was probably still rather strong in my clothes. I shifted away from her, not wanting to make her uncomfortable.

"No, it's okay," she said, but didn't resist as I pulled away. She took another cautious breath. "I'm getting used to it," she muttered, her eyes closing. But I could see that she was battling with the urge to hold her breath. "Or then I'm just really good at lying to myself," she chuckled joylessly. I had the feeling that there was more behind her words.

"You should go a little easier on yourself," I said softly.

She shook her head. "I should do exactly the opposite," she muttered. "Considering what happened yesterday with that human."

I should have known she was still mulling over yesterday, that she was still worrying about the fact that their hunting trip could have ended badly. And I realised that I was the one to blame for the incident; hadn't I made a promise to Bella, a promise to shield her from that situation again? Had I not vowed to make sure that she wouldn't have to go through that battle once more?

And I had failed her - I had broken my promise. Or maybe the promise had been an empty one as I had made it, just like she had expected.

_"Don't make promises you can't keep,"_ she had said to me weeks ago. Now I understood the tinges of anger her tone had been bearing. _"I've had enough empty promises for one lifetime."_

My study was filled with silence during my reminicence, and as I turned to Bella to apologize, I found her staring at me with frightened eyes.

"Are you angry with me?" she whispered.

I let out a confused breath, wondering what made her think of such a thing. Then I played back our conversation, realising that she must have misinterpreted the silence followed by her words.

"Of course I'm not," I said quietly, grasping her hand in mine. "Bella, you have to start believing that imperfection isn't something a person can be judged about."

My words made her frown, but she didn't pull away from my touch. "No one is expecting you to be flawless and perfect," I continued. "You're allowed to take missteps, and I know that sometimes it's difficult."

She lowered her orange irises to the floor, but I didn't let her avoid my gaze for long. I tilted her chin lightly with my finger, forcing her to look at me. "And I need to apologize; I know that I failed you in many ways yesterday. I made a promise to prevent that situation, to prevent that you wouldn't have to be put through that again. And I was incapable to keep that promise," I whispered.

"Please don't," she said, her eyes pleading. "Don't take the blame. You can't keep an eye on me around the clock, and I don't expect you to." She started to play with the wrist cuff of my shirt, unbuttoning and buttoning it pensively. "It just difficult to accept," she said, still not meeting my gaze.

I waited silently, letting her speak. She was rarely open about the matters that burdened her mind, and I was relieved to hear her talking.

"I don't know how you guys do it," she muttered. "I keep remembering those moments when I chased that scent in the forest, and..." She shook her head, grimacing. "Maybe it's so difficult for me to understand because I'm still a newborn. Maybe this will get easier someday. But I still can't comprehend that how will I ever be able to be near humans. And the thought of slipping, and being aware of the fact that I've killed someone..." She shook her head again. "It's unbearable," she whispered.

I gave her hand a gentle squeeze, enjoying the way her warm fingers still tickled against my wrist as she fiddled with the cuff.

"It just makes you who you are," I reminded, refering to our conscience in our diet. I hoped that this approach would make her feel better, to help her undertand the struggles we had all gone through. "It makes you one of us."

My words were true and honest, as was the silent emotion in Bella's eyes as she leaned against my chest, hiding her face from me. "Thank you," she whispered, her voice cathing a bit.

Maybe my words had meant more to her than I had even known. Maybe she had needed to hear those words in order to convince herself that even if she took missteps, she would still be one of us.

That she wouldn't be counted as a failure.

* * *

"What are you doing?"

My quiet whisper caused a small smile rise on Bella's lips, and it was easy to imagine the laughter in those eyes she had hidden behind her eyelids.

"I'm sleeping," she claimed, curling up better on the living room's cream-coloured couch.

I chuckled as I sat down on the edge. She was so adorable.

"Didn't anyone tell you that you won't be able to sleep any longer?" I teased.

She huffed quietly, curling her arm beneath her cheek. "Maybe you guys just haven't tried hard enough."

Her comment made me chuckle again.

The house was more quiet than usually because Bella and I were the only ones in it. Alice had wandered off with Jasper into the forest to have their own private time, and Rosalie had persuaded Emmett to go to the city with her.

I decided to enjoy every moment of privacy I had with Bella, not knowing when would be the next time we could be alone in the house.

I took a moment to observe her features, admiring the way her dark brown hair was splayed on her shoulders, how her eyelashes created shadows on her pale skin, how the curve of her lip almost begged for a kiss...

It was challenging to get used to this new situation between us. I still couldn't bring myself to believe that I could touch her now more freely than ever before. I had denied myself showing affection to her for so long, affection that was considered beyond friendly. But now, I felt that I had the permission to do so, to show tenderness and affection that I couldn't before.

It was easy to tell she wasn't used to that. There was always a slight hesitation in her eyes when I reached out to kiss her cheek, or brush a tress of dark hair behind her ear for instance. As if she waited for me to disappear into the thin air, or do something that would upset her.

I wanted her to get used to those touches, those gestures of love and care; I wanted her to enjoy receiving that affection, just as much as I enjoyed giving it to her. I wanted to keep teaching her those things, until she would take my touches and endearments for granted. Because I would never stop showing affection to her.

Once again, I found myself reflecting those few moments of freedom in the forest last night. I was certain of being able to return to those memories millions of times, and yet find myself eager to do it again. Because during those moments I had caught a glimpse of Bella's boisterous nature that she so often kept hidden.

I remembered the passion in her touch, the way her urgent lips had demanded my attention. And how willing I had been to give it; anything she asked from me, and I would grant it to her, and I would do so with joy and delight. The skies could have opened with thunder during our embrace, and I believe that I wouldn't have even noticed. We could have stood there even if the heavens had spilled lava and fire upon us, and it would have been irrelevant to me.

Bella sighed quietly beside me, drawing me back to the present.

"How are your attempts to sleep proceeding?" I queried with a smile.

"They would proceed a lot better if you weren't talking all the time, and I wouldn't have to answer. It makes this much more difficult," she remarked, pretending to be huffy.

"You're absolutely right," I consented as I leaned over her. "Speaking is way too overvalued." I pressed a dozen fluttering kisses on her cheek and near her ear, continuing my trail towards her neck.

She was ticklish, and started to squirm under my touch. I couldn't resist pinning her down gently so I could continue with my ministrations. Soon a quiet giggle broke through, followed by louder laughter as I tickled her sensitive skin with my lips.

How I wished that I could hear that sound more often. I knew I would gladly make a constant effort to elicit those sounds of happiness from her.

But Bella was sad; she carried the sadness around her almost constantly. There was an aura of melancholy around her, and it seemed to follow her wherever she went.

I pulled back from her, letting my teasing kisses cease.

Bella regarded me carefully with her eyes of dark tangerine. "Why do you look so serious?" she asked, a small frown appearing on her face.

"I was only thinking," I answered. Bella pushed herself up on the couch, shifting and sitting closer to me.

"About what?" she asked.

I gave her a small smile. "You're not playing fair," I chuckled, draping my arm over her shoulders and pulling her closer against my side. "You never tell me what's in your mind. So why should I?" I asked teasingly, being only half-serious.

"Because your thoughts are a lot more interesting than mine," she remarked, causing me to shake my head.

"That is not true," I disagreed quietly. I would do anything to get a glimpse of her mind, to understand her better. "How about if we make an agreement," I suggested. "You share one of your recent thoughts with me, and I will reciprocate."

Bella gave me a slight nudge on the ribs. "Bartering, are we? You're a difficult man to please," she chuckled, leaning her head against my chest. "I was thinking about the others, actually," she said quietly after a moment.

"Oh?"

The weight disappeared from my chest when she lifted her head to look at me. "What should we tell them about you and me? If there's anything new to tell, anyway. They have all been giving me these strange looks all day," she muttered, puckering up her lip.

I gave a laugh. "It's safe to say that Alice knows very accurately what has happened, and Jasper too. But I honestly have no idea what they have chosen to share with Emmett and Rosalie."

"Hmmh." Bella leaned her head against the back of the couch, her expression ruminative. "I wonder if they'll freak out," she wondered, closing her eyes. "Hey, it's your turn to tell me what you were thinking. Don't think I have forgotten our deal," she remarked, opening her eyes again and giving me a look that was probably supposed to be stern.

I chuckled quietly again and smiled. Smiling was something I had done a lot during these last hours - I had every reason to.

"I was thinking about you, of course," I answered, causing Bella to raise her brow. "And the way you carry sadness with you," I proceeded carefully, studying her expression.

Her eyes were guarded, but she didn't avoid my gaze. The playfullness I had seen in her for the past few minutes disappeared, almost making me regret my words.  
After a moment of silence she shrugged, and suddenly looked very lost. "I guess that's the way I am," she said quietly.

"Are you sad about something now?" I asked, trying to interpret her tone.

"Not really," she whispered, leaning her face against my chest again so I couldn't see her eyes.

"Can you tell me about the things that make you sad?" I asked gently, leaning my chin lightly against the top of her head.  
Bella was quiet for a very long time, and I could feel her slow breaths through the fabric of my sweater. But when she finally spoke, her tone was cautious, and the words barely audible to me.

"It makes me sad to think... that I wouldn't get to be with you," she breathed.

Her words were bittersweet to me - it delighted me to know that she wanted to be with me. But why would she think that there was a chance that we couldn't be together?

I shifted her so I could see her eyes - in them I had always been able to see the emotions she so hard tried to hide.

"What makes you think that you couldn't be with me?" I asked, brushing her cheek gently with my thumb.

"I don't know," she whispered. "People leave and disappear. That's what they do."

"Perhaps I'm not most people," I said, attempting to keep my tone light and teasing, but failing miserably.

"And I'm not normal," Bella continued, her eyes sad. "I'm not a whole person like you are. I'm not... stable." She lowered her gaze, the tangerine eyes regretful. The familiar guarded look came over her face, hiding any emotions she might have. "I don't understand what you possibly see in me."

I resented that mask she had on - it managed to hide her from me. And I didn't want that.

I turned on the couch until I was facing her, taking her face between my palms, and waited patiently until she turned her gaze into my eyes. "I see a girl ," I began. "who has been broken too many times." A small frown appeared between her eyebrows and she stopped breathing.

"I see a person, who possesses an inner strength I can only admire and be proud of," I continued, my other hand leaving her face to tuck a lock of dark hair behind her ear.

"I see eyes," I whispered, holding her gaze intently. "that were once the most warm shade of brown I had ever seen. And now they remind me of the way the sky embellishes a moment before the sundown. And one day, they will rival with the glow of the sun."

The veil was slowly disappering from her face, and the look in her eyes was more softer now. It encouraged me to continue - she needed to hear what I had to say.

"I see lips," I whispered, taking a quick glance at them before catching Bella's gaze again, "that remind of the roses that grew outside of my birthplace. And those lips are just begging to be tasted." With my words, I leaned closer to brush her mouth with my own. The kiss was quick, and the time I spent exploring her lips wasn't nearly long enough - nothing was long enough with her. But I had to break away, knowing that I had a lot more to say.

"I see a heart," I let my remaining hand fall from her face too, letting it travel downwards until resting on her chest. Under my touch the heart was still and silent, but it was irrelevant to me. "that is good, and pure, and selfless, and caring - and millions of other wonderful things."

Bella's hand rose to cover my own, but there was still uncertainty in her eyes.

"I see a woman," I stated finally, "who is my friend. And who can be so much more, if she wants to. If she's willing to have me."

Bella breathed out quietly, lifting her hands on my wrists. She closed her eyes tightly, as if to collect herself.

A quiet chuckle escaping her mouth surprised me. She opened her eyes to meet my gaze, a silent smile making her lips quirk.

"Only you could turn a bunch of simple sentences into poetry," she whispered, her voice a little unstable.

Had my words touched her so deeply? Was it me, who had managed to create that swirl of emotions in her eyes? That tremor in her voice?

Bella took a deep, trembling breath. "No one has ever said anything so beautiful to me," she confessed quietly.

"I meant every word," I whispered, leaning my forehead against hers. "Every single one."

Her breath was warm and sweet against my face. Her hands gripped my wrists almost painfully, but then she released her grip, sliding her touch to rest on my forearms.

"I don't know what to say," she confessed quietly.

"Don't say anything," I answered. "You don't have to," I reassured, knowing how difficult voicing out her thoughts was to her.

"It's not that I don't want to," she rationalized, a slight panic in her voice. "Because I do want to. There's so many things I want you to know..." Her voice broke at the last word.

"Shh." I gave a tender kiss on her cheek, rubbing her back soothingly. "You don't have to explain," I whispered. "Someday you will tell me all those things. Once you are ready to do so."

She exhaled, her breath trembling. "What have I done to earn your patience," she said almost to herself. "I don't deserve you."

"You deserve better," I declared, speaking the utter truth.

She stayed silent, and I didn't know if she believed me. I certainly vowed myself that someday I would make her believe.

If it took a thousand years, I would somehow convince her that nothing was too good for her.

* * *

"No, goddammit! Boo!" Emmett howled at the television the next afternoon, apparently finding the football team's success displeasing.

I had just gotten home from the hospital, and the day had been even longer than yesterday. The separation from Bella was almost painful.

She glanced up from her book with a smile as I peeked inside the living room and lowered my briefcase on the floor. The urge to rush across the room and sweep her into my arms was almost overpowering, and it made me wonder where my control and restraint disappeared when it came to her.

But instead of giving her the heated embrace I so craved, I only settled with smiling at her in a manner that I only hoped to be restrained and sober. I was very aware of the fact that Emmett was in the room, and the others were somewhere near as well.

We still hadn't shared with the rest of the family what was happening between us, but it was only a matter of time before we did. Hiding from the others, and refraining from showing affection had been surprisingly challenging during these past two days.

And I realised that I wanted the whole world to know.

I made my way across the room, taking a seat on the couch opposite of Bella. She cleared her throat quietly as if to regain her focus, and turned the page of the heavy volume that rested on her lap.

"How was your day?" she asked casually, her eyes gliding on the page as she read.

"It was alright," I responded. "Long," I decided to add, earning a curious glance from her.

There was a slight glimmer in her eyes as she glanced at me. "Mine too," she muttered quietly, holding me a prisoner with her gaze.

Her eyes always managed to do that - I had noticed it before, even when she had still been a human. It didn't matter to me that her eyes didn't hold that chocolate brown warmth any longer. They were still the same eyes, only now with the luster of dark coral, and they still had the same effect on me.

The brown warmth of her eyes might be gone, but it was transformed into something else; her eyes burned brighter than the sun. The gaze bore more than warmth now - there was a heated intensity in her eyes as she watched me.

Emmett booed loudly again, causing me to start slightly.

The corners of Bella's lips quirked and she lowered her gaze back to the book. I could easily imagine the blush that would adorn her cheeks if there had been human blood still rushing through her veins.

The rest of the afternoon passed comfortably. I left the living room for an hour to change clothes and finish my paperwork while listening to the quiet chatter that was carried into my ears from downstairs. Emmett was eager to interview Bella again, and most of their quiet conversation concluded the comparison of tastes between cougars and deer.

I was making my way back downstairs as Emmett's teasing voice wafted from the living room. "You ever been drunk, Bella?" he asked teasingly, causing me to shake my head.

Bella snorted softly at his question, not answering as I took my seat across from her, her eyes still devouring the text in front of her.

Emmett didn't let the lack of answer bother him, only smirking widely as he continued his teasing. "Not even as a teenager?" he asked. "Come on. You've must have been quite wild during your teen years," he prodded.

Bella turned the page, her focus almost completely on the book. "I don't know," she pondered, sounding distracted. "I guess I missed that phase most kids go through where you steal your mom's cigarattes and climb to the roof with a bottle of wine," she muttered. "What can I say, I'm boring."

Emmett gave a barking laugh, and I wanted to disagree; the creature before me was far from boring.

"What about you?" she asked, raising her gaze from the book, her eyes sweeping quickly mine before settling on Emmett. "You must have been a handful as a kid," she stated with amusement.

"Nah, I wasn't _that_ bad," Emmett smirked widely. "I guess it depends on who you ask," he grinned, and after a moment of silence he continued, the everlasting mischief never leaving his voice but his golden eyes taking a sadder hue. "My mother would probably agree with you," he admitted.

I noticed that Bella stiffened a bit, possibly fearing that she had brought up a tender topic. She didn't know a lot about Emmett's past, but I knew she was curious to learn more of her family members. She was just too polite to ask.

"Emmett was born in Tennessee," I decided to step in, giving a pointed look to him. I knew it didn't bother him to talk about his human life - rare things in this world made Emmett uncomfortable.

"Yeah, in Gatlinburg," Emmett added. "You ever been there?" he asked from Bella.

Bella frowned a bit. "Not in Gatlinburg, no," she answered, her tone evasive. "I was in Asheville once," she shrugged, causing me to wonder again how many places she had lived in before coming to Vancouver. How many times had she gotten on a bus, or in a plane to ease her restless mind?

"Asheville," Emmett stated with an approving nod. "It's not that far from Gatlinburg. What did you do in there?" he queried.

Bella chuckled humorlessly, shaking her head. "Nice try, Emmett. But now we are talking about you," she reminded, and I could see that she was eager to get the attention off herself. "What kind of a family you had?"

Emmett leaned against the couch, throwing his other huge arm on the back of the furniture. "A big one," he answered. "Many older brothers, a younger sister," he listed. "I used to work on the railroad when I wasn't gambling and causing trouble. In other words," he laughed, "having fun."

Bella snorted quietly at his words. "Did you ever see them again?" she asked, her tone apologizing and her eyes sad. "After you were changed?"

Emmett shook his head. "Nope. But Edward helped me out, arranging that they wouldn't have at least any money problems after I wasn't there to contribute my labor input." He tensed his biceps exuberantly, always managing to find humor even while telling such a sad story.

Bella chuckled at Emmett's gesture. "Yeah," she muttered under her breath. "Who knew that those muscles could be useful in other things than breaking stuff," she remarked, causing Emmett to huff.

I enjoyed their easy banter immensely, exchanging a pleased look with Jasper as he entered the room and sat down beside Emmett. I reached out for the newspaper and browsed through it, my reading interrupted as Emmett addressed me after a moment.

"Hey Carlisle, did Bella tell you that she snared her first cougar two days ago?"

I lifted my gaze from the newspaper, smiling shortly at Bella. "She did not, but I reckoned as much from your earlier conversation."

"Yeah," Emmett hollered. "You should have seen her. I never thought she could be so scary," he remarked, his tone something between admiration and raillery.

Jasper chuckled.

Bella rolled her eyes. "Yeah, wasn't it just before I gave you a roll in the mud?" she asked, her tone mocking.

"Hey, you didn't play fair!" Emmett belted out. "You should have given me a warning."

Bella laughed quietly, the sound reminding me of a thousand wind chimes.

"I did pay you back though, when you went after that human," Emmett remarked. "But damn, it was difficult to catch you."

Bella sobered immediately, lowering her gaze. "Sorry," she muttered under her breath.

I had to admit that Emmett had been a little insensitive when he had brought up the subject that way, or then he just didn't know how much the incident truly bothered Bella.

But maybe it was good for her to see how openly we related to the matter. Maybe it would help her realise that no one demanded the impossible from her.

Jasper cleared his throat, throwing a glance at Bella. "You did manage to control yourself again," he stated, attempting to lift her spirits. "I could feel the change of your intentions in your emotions."

Bella shrugged. "But I didn't do it soon enough," she said quietly. "If you hadn't been there, talking me out of it..." She let her words die away, shrugging again.

"That's my point," Jasper remarked. "You're not supposed to be talked out of it."

Bella frowned at him, looking confused.

"Your instincts should overpower you completely at this point; you're still so young," Jasper continued. "Rational behaviour and thoughts can't be expected from a newborn, especially in the middle of a hunt. But as soon as I started to talk to you, and as soon as you started to listen, I could feel the change in you. That's why we were able to whisk you away so quickly."

Bella frowned again, glancing quickly at me. "And I'm not supposed to act that way?" she asked hesitantly. "Is it... wrong somehow?"

"Not _wrong_," Jasper admitted, pondering. "It's only curious. And it certainly makes things easier to handle."

Bella's expression was ruminative as she regarded the floor with her gaze. She seemed a little more approving towards herself than earlier, and I found myself grateful that Jasper had made her feel more at ease.

As the night fell, I took her into the forest for a long walk. The others scattered on their own ways, Alice and Jasper going hunting while Rosalie and Emmett staying at the house.

It felt good to walk beside her deeper into the woods, knowing that we wouldn't have to skulk and hide anymore. Privacy with Bella was something I craved almost blindly. I didn't intend to hide our situation for long from the others, and I knew that Bella didn't want to do that either.

Her nimble fingers pried a piece of bark from a tree, and I watched her as she sniffed it; the woody and resinous scent must have smelled pleasant.

"What are you smiling at?" she asked, lowering her gaze sheepishly when she realised that I was watching her.

"You," I answered honestly. "Why shouldn't I smile to the sight that is so beautiful?"

"Your eyes are failing you," she chuckled, giving my hand a slight nudge.

"Are you insinuating that I'm old?" I asked, pretending to be offended.

Bella bit her lip. "Well... you're not_ that_ old," she teased. "You're a little younger than some churches," she granted and chuckled.

I gaped at her, huffing. "You're a mean woman."

Her laughter could have lighted up the darkness, so bright it was as it rang through the woods.

"I'm sorry," she said after a moment, clinging to my arm and leaning her head against my shoulder, seeking proximity so easily that it surprised me. "I wasn't serious."

I turned to her, and she rose up on her toes to give a small peck on my cheek.

"You're forgiven," I said and smiled.

She hummed quietly, and I pulled her closer to my side.

I simply couldn't stop touching her. It was incredible how quickly I had become accustomed to touching and showing affection to Bella since our shared kiss two days ago. And I had a feeling that she was getting used to my touches. There was less hesitation in her eyes.

She sighed quietly, playing idly with the beltloop of my slacks as we walked leisurely on the path leading deeper into the woods. "I wonder how long Alice has known," she muttered quietly.

"Known what?" I queried, looking at her.

"That we end up being... whatever it is that we are now." She stopped and looked at me, a thousand questions in her eyes.

I knew that I should let her know about Jasper's suspicions about the mating bond - I didn't know why I hadn't told her that yet. I guess I worried about her reaction, and I had no wish put her under pressure.

But she had the right to know.

"What do you think that we are?" I asked quietly, kneading her shoulders gently.

There it was again in her eyes; the doubt and uncertainty.

"I don't know," she whispered. "I only know that... I haven't felt like this ever before. It's like..." she shook her head, licking her lips quickly. "It's almost like I've known something for a very long time, and it's only now when I've been able to grasp it."

Her words could have been my own, and I realised that it only confirmed Jasper's theory.

Except I knew it wasn't just a theory. It was a fact, an awareness - unchangable, everlasting, constant, unbending...

It was forever.

There weren't enough words to describe it, because emotions couldn't be described with words. There was no way to describe it in a way that was satisfactory enough, because the depiction would always be left short.

But we both knew, and we had no need to describe it to each other.

"What?" Bella asked, my silence starting to bother her.

I took a deep breath, starting to walk slowly again. Bella followed me after a moment. "Jasper confronted me about this once," I said quietly.

"Confronted?" Bella asked. "Do you mean that he was upset?"

"No," I shook my head, wrapping my arm around her shoulder in a soothing manner. "That's not what I meant, exactly." A chuckle escaped my mouth, and Bella gave me a confused glance.

"He was the opposite of being upset," I explained. "One time we were out hunting, and he starts asking me - with a very amused grin, if I might add - that when am I going to realise what's going on between you and I." I chuckled again, and suddenly I was very grateful for his words on that night. If he hadn't told me those things, things that should have been obvious to me, I still might not have taken the risk with Bella.

A small smile played on her lips, and it encouraged me to continue. "He brought up the possibility that my feelings for you might be something that I hadn't even thought of."

Bella frowned, worry in her eyes. "What do you mean?"

I licked my lips, suddenly feeling very nervous. I took a deep breath, holding her gaze. "Jasper believes that the feelings I have for you are the ones that are formed between mates," I explained slowly and carefully.

Bella's frown deepened, and she narrowed her eyes as if she hadn't heard correctly. Then she shook her head and turned, taking a few slow steps deeper into the woods.

I gave her time to let my words sink in, staying silent. But on the inside I was burning; what if she was upset? What was going through her mind?

Bella turned towards me again with a deep frown. "But... Esme was your mate," she stated, her tone confused. "You can't just stop loving her, just like that." She gave a humorless laugh, piercing me with her gaze. There was a silent pain in her tone, and I could see that she was trying to hide it, almost succeeding.

"Of course I don't," I answered honestly. "Not a day goes by that I don't think of her."

Bella had a sorrowful expression of her face, and she lowered her gaze. "I'm sorry that she's not here," she whispered. "I know you miss her."

I walked closer to her, lifting her chin with my fingers. "Of course I miss her. The same way you miss Edward," I whispered softy. Grief flooded into her eyes again.

"But," I continued. "They will never truly be gone. They both had a great impact on us. We wouldn't be the people we are now if it wasn't for them," I explained, trying to make her understand. "And it doesn't mean that we care about them less now, if we care about each other."

Her tangerine eyes met mine again, a silent request for guidance in her eyes. "So... you don't think that we should feel guilty? For what we are? You don't think it's a disgrace for their memory?"

"Do you feel that we are dishonoring them somehow?" I asked quietly, keeping my tone gentle.

She was quiet for a moment, frowning a bit. "No," she breathed eventually.

"Do you feel guilty then?" I queried.

"I don't know," she sighed. "I don't want to, but I feel like I should..." She shook her head, frustration evident in her demeanor. "I can't explain it."

I raised my hands to rest on her shoulders, kneading her marble skin through the fabric. "It's alright," I whispered. I took a deep breath, wondering how to put my feelings to words. At times like these I felt like I needed guidance from someone wiser. It was difficult to be the one with all the answers, when it was painfully obvious that I didn't possess them all.

"Do you feel," I began, "that Edward and Esme would resent us, if they could see us now, and speak to us?" I asked gently. "Do you think that they would want us to live alone for the rest of eternity?"

I didn't know where my words had come from, and a part of me wondered if it was my mouth speaking, but someone wiser was granting the words.

Whoever it was, I was grateful for the guidance I had received.

Bella shook her head slowly, and I could see that her tangled emotions were beginning to solve themselves.

"They would want us to be happy," she whispered, finally meeting my gaze.

I took her hand, giving it a gentle squeeze.

We turned together, and continued on our path. Bella managed to surprise me with a sudden apology. I couldn't understand the reason behind it, and gave her a confused frown as we walked slowly.

"Why would you be sorry?" I asked.

"Because I always freak out about something," she said. "And you always have to keep me in check and make sure I don't go all shrilly and crazy."

I chuckled quietly. "I'm afraid that's no reason to be sorry, Bella," I soothed her quietly. "I'm going through the same confusing thoughts myself than you are, and I understand."

We walked in silence for a moment, but soon Bella spoke again. "When did Jasper tell you about the... mate-thing?" she asked, hesitating at the word 'mate'. I tried not to let her hesitation bother me.

"A few weeks ago."

"Weeks?" Bella asked, stopping again. "Why didn't you tell me sooner?"

"I'm not sure," I revealed, trying to read her expression to find out if she was upset. "I worried that how it would affect our friendship. I didn't want you to distance yourself away," I explained. "I didn't want to risk anything, no matter how much I cared about you."

The look in her eyes softened. Her voice was quiet, a slight wistfulness in her whisper. "So... you weren't going to tell me? Two days ago, if I hadn't been upset about that human and we hadn't been in the forest..."

I considered the possibility, wondering if I'd had the willpower to stay away from her very much longer. "I'm sure that I would have told you eventually," I whispered. "The bond that forms between mates is very strong, and nearly impossible to ignore."

She nodded slowly, licking her lips quickly. "Does it bother you that... Esme possibly wasn't your mate?" she asked carefully, almost apologizing.

I gave her a sad smile. "I always thought that she was my mate," I confessed cautiously, once again struggling to find words to describe my feelings. "And I will always love her, and cherish my memories of her. But what I feel towards you..." I shook my head, holding her gaze tightly. "It's something so binding, and powerful... words couldn't possibly describe it."

Bella was still for a very long time, her eyes unblinking and frozen as she looked at me. Her stillness managed to worry me eventually, and I was about to ask if my words had upset her when she spoke.

"I think I understand what you mean," she said quietly, and I knew her words were honest. "I do miss Edward," she confessed with a slight hesitation. "But it doesn't... mitigate the emotions I have when I'm with you," she said carefully.

I knew it took a lot from her to say those words - she was still guarding her heart, and being careful when it came to expressing emotions and thoughts.

I found myself grateful for our conversation as we made our way through the sleeping forest. We both had a better understanding of each other now, and I was relieved that my revelation of the mating bond hadn't upset her.

I wondered why I had been so nervous to tell her about that.

For a moment I considered asking her how she felt about the subject, but then decided against it. I didn't want to push her too much.

Bella cleared her throat quietly as we walked slowly forward, and she kept her gaze strictly on the ground, looking a little hesitant.

"So I was wondering, um..." She cleared her throat again, and it made me wonder what was causing the discomfort in her.

"Yes?" I asked, encouraging her to continue.

She took a deep breath, her tone still indecisive as she spoke. "How serious was Emmett that one time when he asked you about the nurses at the hospital hitting on you?" she asked, masking her tone with casualness. But I could see that it was an act, and behind the mask she really cared about my answer.

I summoned that particular conversation from several weeks back when Emmett had teased me, and I had to chuckle softly at Bella's frown. "The nurses aren't that bad as Emmett made it sound," I stated, studying Bella's expression.

Her posture relaxed visibly, and something warm pulsed in my heart because of her possible jealosy.

And I suddenly couldn't help myself. "Well, there was a new nurse employed yesterday, actually," I stated casually, keeping my expression neutral.

Bella stiffened again, throwing a glare at me. She cleared her throat, frowning. "Really?" she asked, sounding a little huffy even if I could tell that she made an effort to hide it.

"Yes," I went on, slipping my hands in the pockets of my slacks. "Green eyes, red hair, lovely freckles..." I described slowly.

The look in Bella's eyes darkened so visibly that I couldn't master myself any longer. A quiet laughter escaped my mouth, and I earned another glare from Bella.

She realised that I had only been teasing her, and then she stopped with her mouth agape. "Did you just try to fool me?" she asked, her tone incredulous and high-pitched.

"You should have seen how sour you looked," I chuckled, giving her a slight nudge with my elbow.

She huffed loudly. "I can't believe you did that!" she exclaimed. "You're a wolf in sheep's clothing," she accused, shoving me gently backwards. Behind the annoyment I could see a twinkle of amusement.

I laughed and she nudged me again, using more force this time. Before I even realised I was lying on my back on the moist forest floor, and Bella came down with me.

Her body was light as she lied on top of my chest, pinning me to the ground. "Say you're sorry," she ordered with a mischief in her smile.

"I cannot do that," I said, grasping her arms in my grip. "I find it indescribably endearing when you are jealous of me."

"Maybe I'm not jealous," she said smugly, quirking her other eyebrow and grinding her teeth. "Maybe I don't care about the silly nurses you're looking at all day long."

I chuckled again, rolling her on her back so quickly that the movement was barely there - within a second our positions were reversed, making her shriek quietly in surprise. "Maybe I don't care about them, either," I whispered, looking deeply into her eyes.

The remaining rusty hues were slowly disappearing from her irises, conquered by blackness. Her mischievious smile disappeared along with the tangerine color, and her eyes stole a glance at my lips.

It was almost like a request; an invitation.

And who was I to decline?

Her lips were as soft as they had been the last time I had the pleasure of kissing her, but the body beneath my own was warmer now. Our close proximity didn't startle me - it only felt right to have her so close to me.

And I wanted her closer - I needed her closer. Her body fit against mine with a perfection that was almost divine.

Not even almost. It was divine.

_She_ was divine.

Dear heavens.

A guttural moan made her lips vibrate, and her hand came up to grasp my shoulders, sliding up in my neck and into my hair as our lips danced a mutual dance. A shudder convulsed my body when she raked her fingers against my scalp.

The husky moan traveling up my throat transformed into her name. And her name on my lips was a plea - more than that, it was a prayer.

And I eagerly prayed for more.

"Bella..." I sighed against her mouth.

She surprised by grapping my shoulder, pulling me even closer almost forcibly. I had rarely seen her seeking physical closeness so willingly, but now her touches almost demanded me.

Closer, she asked.

And I obeyed.

Her grip around my arm was hard and rough, more tighter second after second, and it made me hiss through my teeth quietly. I willed the sound to stop, because the pain caused by her grip was nothing compared to the urge to keep touching her. To keep her touching me. To have her close.

But my discomfort didn't go unnoticed, and Bella pulled away abruptly, releasing her tight grip, her eyes startled.

Her breath was coming in gasps, causing me to feel unspeakably complacent that our moment together was causing her body to react that way.

"I'm sorry," she said, curling her fingers as if to stop herself from touching me. "I hurt you," she whispered and frowned with regret.

"No," I tried to deny, grabbing her hands gently and unfolding the fingers. "It's alright."

I nuzzled her cheek lightly with the tip of my nose before dropping another tender kiss on her lips.

"I'm sorry," she said again, and I shook my head, chuckling.

"Don't apologize," I whispered, studying the orange hues of her eyes, mingling with the black shades of desire. "It's quite flattering to notice that... your control slips during our proximity," I breathed in her ear.

She shivered at my words, and once again I was pleased to see her reaction.

"I could have hurt you badly," she insisted, her tone still apologizing.

"Don't worry so much," I chuckled. "You won't harm me."

My lips found hers again, and after a moment of hesitation Bella raised her hands to cup my neck. Her touch traveled downwards, studying the form of my lower back, urging me closer.

There was something demanding in her touch again, something that made tremors travel through my body.

Her lips separated from mine, and now there was shyness in her eyes. She cleared her throat quietly, regarding me with her gaze as her fingers brushed against my back.

"So..." she whispered, and there was something new in her tone - something I had never heard before. Another tremor rippled through me. "You're flattered?" she asked quietly, her voice exuding enticement. "About my loss of control?"

I nuzzled her neck with my nose, eliciting a very quiet moan. "I am," I whispered in her ear, drawing back to see her dark eyes.

"What else flatters you?" she asked, the shyness almost managing to drown her smile. The sight was unspeakably lovely.

Dear God, how I wanted her closer.

She frowned a bit when I didn't answer her question right away, but I fully intended to. I brushed my lips against her earlobe very lightly, so lightly that the touch was barely there. It made her shiver.

My fingers wandered to grap her wrist, pinning it gently against the ground while I nuzzled her neck again, being rewarded with another shudder that wracked her slender body.

"This," I whispered, drawing back again to gaze into her eyes. "The way you shiver when I touch you."

The desire flared in her eyes again, causing me to swallow thickly.

"What else?" she whispered.

Everything else; everything about her was flattering and tempting.

"I'm afraid that it'll take whole night to enumerate them all," I whispered to her.

It had started to rain, but I barely noticed. My entire focus was directed at the enchanting creature beneath my body, and I knew that she had my focus, now and forever.

Bella's smile was a little teasing, and then she nudged me lightly. Maybe she wasn't used to receiving compliments. "You're such a suck-up," she chuckled, flames dancing in her eyes.

"Not true," I argued gently. "I'm a very honest man. And I believe you're actually the first person to call me a wolf in sheep's clothing," I teased, remembering her earlier comment.

Her quiet chuckle rivaled with the beauty of the raindrops falling against the ground.

It took all the strength I had to push myself away from her warm body, drawing her gently with me from the wet ground. When my focus was on her, when the whole reason for my existence was directed towards her, I found myself in a lack of control. And I knew that even a few short moments so close to her would dissolve the meager self-control I had.

And I didn't want us to rush. I didn't want her to feel that we should rush. We had the whole eternity to learn about each other, and intimacy was something I intended to take my time with.

There was a slight disappointment in her tangerine eyes as I pulled away and sat on my heels in the middle of the wet hummocks. It made me worry that I had insulted her. I didn't want her to think that I didn't desire her.

Because, dear Lord only knew how much I did.

I brushed the pine needles away from her sleeves as she sat up, my fingers plucking a twig from her mahogany hair.

"Are you alright?" I asked from the silent girl in front of me.

There was a guarded expression in her eyes, and she nodded quickly. "Yeah," she breathed, biting her lip.

I held her tangerine gaze in mine, tucking a lock of hair behind her ear. "I don't want us to rush," I explained. "We are in no hurry," I reminded gently.

She nodded again, the disappointment disappearing slowly. "I know," she whispered.

We got up from the wet ground and struggled for a moment to make ourselves presentable by brushing our clothes clean from the mud and twigs. If we appeared at the house looking like this, we wouldn't hear the end of it.

We made our way slowly back towards home, and the need to cling to Bella and never let go intensified step after step. The closer we got, the inexpressible urge to have her close to me grew more powerful, knowing that within minutes I would have to let her leave from my arms, and we'd have to start pretending that there was nothing between us.

The whole notion was plain absurd. And I realised that pretending was something I couldn't take for long anymore.

I wondered if it was the same for Bella. Did she feel the same need, the same urge to have me close? Did my lack of touch leave her reeling and empty, the same way it drained me when I had to put the physical distance between us?

Was I in her thoughts during the long hours of separation, the same way she was in mine?

If she felt those same things... if the need was as powerful for her as it was for me, I again found myself repeating the same question in my mind I had mulled over these past two days.

What did I do to earn this fortune, this bliss?

The lights of the house were visible to us within minutes, and there was reluctance in Bella's movements when she uncurled the fingers from my other sleeve. She sighed quietly, and her next words made the hope bubble deep within my silent heart.

"Let's just stay here," she said very quietly. "You don't have to go to the hospital. Who needs a job anyway?" A small grin made her lips quirk, and my own smile that rarely faltered in her presence widened at her words.

'Hopeful' was a lame expression when I realised that maybe she craved my company as much as I craved hers.

I chuckled quietly, lowering my head to brush her cheek with my lips. "Very tempting, I must confess," I whispered.

One last sweet kiss on her lips, and then I had to tear myself away from her, and we walked side by side out of the forest.

But it appeared that three inches was a way too wide distance, and my fingers moved on their own accord as they grasped Bella's hand as we walked. She entwined her fingers with mine, and once again I admired the way our touches matched each other. It was as if our marble skins were supposed to be in constant contact.

A dark figure moved in the shadows of the porch, and I almost let Bella's hand fall from my grasp before I realised that our silent observer was Alice.

But we didn't need to hide from Alice. She knew.

"And where are you coming from at this hour?" she teased, her voice slightly too loud for my taste.

Bella's voice was surprisingly innocent as she answered, and it made me wonder how did she manage to make the innocence sound so tantalizing.

"We were just taking a walk," she quipped. "Is it forbidden in your universe?"

The enormous smile made Alice's face almost split. "Of course not. But staining your clothes is," she remarked, her eyes studying the large stain of clay in Bella's jeans. "Not to mention that Carlisle will be late from his shift if he doesn't leave soon," she continued with the same gleeful tone.

Bella turned to me with a teasing smile. "I'm sorry I kept you," she apologized with a wink.

"No reason to apologize," I answered cordially, playing back the conversation in my mind to find out if we had said something too revealing. The others were still somewhere near, and I didn't want them to come up with any conclusions by accident. Once Bella and I shared the news with them, we would do so personally.

I let Bella's hand fall from my grasp reluctantly as we stepped inside. Alice started prattling about her on-going decoration plans to Bella, but it was obvious that her words fell on deaf ears.

It made me wonder what was going through Bella's mind. Was she thinking about what I had told her earlier about the mating bond? Once again I found myself fretting over the possibility that it bothered her, that she didn't feel those sensations so intensely that I did.

But usually once that kind of a bond was formed, it was two-way. The thought managed to bring me a little bit of ease.

Bella disappeared upstairs with Alice, and I followed after a moment. I changed swiftly, and then made my way to my study to pick up some papers I would need today.

I was piling the forms into my briefcase when a quiet presence behind me made me smile.

"Have a good day," Bella wished quietly behind me. "Or night, whatever," she chuckled.

I turned to her, lowering the briefcase on the floor. "Thank you," I smiled.

There was a teasing glimmer in Bella's eyes, but the way she bit her lip revealed her uncertainty. "No nurses, right?" she asked very quietly, making me chuckle.

I stepped closer to tuck a lock of hair behind her ear. "Not a single one," I answered just as quietly, and I swore an oath to myself that someday I would make her believe that she had claimed my focus eternally, and I was blind to all the other women in the world.

"Good," she said, narrowing her eyes a bit with that same teasing smile, and her fingers came up to tighten the knot of my tie. She straightened it with care and focus, and I wondered if Alice's neuroticism regarding neat clothing was rubbing off on her.

Whatever the reason was, the small gesture was somehow very intimate.

I said quick goodbyes to Emmett and Jasper, who were now booing at the flatscreen in tandem. Rosalie was braiding her hair on the couch, unmistakably trying to block the loud shouts from her mind.

Alice wished me a good day from upstairs and I thanked her, but before turning around and making my way to the door that led to the garage, I had to take one more glance behind me.

Because there was someone standing on top of the stairs, someone who I was unwilling to leave behind for the whole day.

Someone who had claimed my focus a long time ago, and someone who would possess it forevermore.

My verbal goodbyes had been directed at the other members of my family, but no spoken farewells would do when it came to her - they simply weren't enough. And I had no wish to leave her and say goodbye, even when our separation lasted only a few hours.

So I didn't say anything. A secret smile on my lips matched hers as I turned slowly, making my way to the door and closing it behind me.

And I truly couldn't wait until getting back home again.


	37. Chapter 37: Amity

******AN: The link to the picture that will appear in this chapter can be found from my profile, if you don't want to imagine it by yourself :) I don't own the picture, and Stephenie Meyer owns Twilight as usually.**

* * *

**_You can't fail this time_**  
**_I'll be where you are_**  
**_Be afraid for me_**  
**_Be too good for me_**

**_You look back at the picture_**  
**_And realise things then were different_**  
**_It's not who you know_**  
**_It's what you know then_**

- The Picture, _Editors _-

* * *

**Amity**

BPOV

The surface of the rock was coarse under my palms.

Almost as coarse and dry as my throat was; the flames trashed my windpipe, making me grimace and almost hiss in pain. My time was running out - I had to act now or it would be too late.

A quick leap off the cliff.

Wind washing against my skin, a fiery growl erupting through my lips as I fly through the air.

My cold marble body collided with warmer and softer one, causing it to tumble down on the ground from the power of the impact.  
A sound escaped my prey's throat before my teeth sought the artery, and the cries of pain caused by my venom dissipated slowly as the life drained from the living being under my steely grip.

The fire burning in my throat died out, the thirst quenched by the taste of heather and grass. There was a shade of something fresh in the aroma of the warm, flowing blood, reminding me of the smell of the crisp snowflakes.

The eyes of brown with yellow tint closed one last time, and I let my grasp loosen around the prey.

What a beautiful creature, even after being brutalized by my own teeth.

The wolf's grey coat was soft under my fingers as I layed the light body on the ground. It was almost cruel to take life from a creature that was so sublime and royal.

A pair of golden eyes caught my attention, and a voice filled with a thousand chimes sounded in the wind.

"Are you sad?"

I sighed, making my way towards the petite woman with the hair of raven black. "No, Alice."

I wasn't sad _per se_, but there was always some odd wistfulness in me during the long afternoon hours. It unsettled me a bit to realise that I missed the company of the certain man with the golden blond hair.

But I was allowed to miss him, right? It's what you're supposed to do once you've shared dozens of kisses with the person, kisses that have been both heated and gentle. Not to mention there was a chance that this person might possibly be your mate...

_"Jasper believes that the feelings I have for you are the ones that are formed between mates."_

Carlisle's silky voice echoed in my mind, and even my sharp vampire memory wasn't able to do justice to the smoothness of his tenor.

I didn't know how to feel about this new turn. It had been nearly a week since Carlisle had told me about the possible, yet plausible mating bond. We hadn't talked about it a lot, and a part of me wondered if it bothered him. His expression was fresh in my mind when those fateful words had glided on his lips, and the caution and hesitation in his eyes had made me troubled.

It still troubled me; what had been going through his mind? Did he feel regret towards the fact that he hadn't been destined to Esme? Did it trouble him, that he might be bound to me in a way that was difficult to ignore? And why had he kept the conversation with Jasper a secret so long? Did he really worry about my possible reaction so much?

Millions of questions and emotions had been going through my mind, and the only person holding the answers had been standing before me. And yet I hadn't been able to give a voice to all those questions and emotions in my rushing mind.

_"Does it bother you that... Esme possibly wasn't your mate?"_

I resented myself for asking that question - I had no right to question his feelings for the love of his life, the person who had been his wife for decades.

He had loved her for _decades_, for crying out loud. And I had asked that did it _bother_ him that she hadn't been his mate.

From all of the questions I had been wanting to ask, I had asked that one.

Way to go, Bella.

_"I always thought that she was my mate,"_ he had said, and I had wanted to kick myself._ "And I will always love her, and cherish my memories of her. But what I feel towards you... It's something so binding, and powerful... words couldn't possibly describe it."_

Those words had caused another ripple of thoughts and emotions. One part of my suddenly cramped mind had been singing with joy, while another had accused me for putting him in that situation. It hadn't been fair to him to ask that question.

But he hadn't seemed to resent me. He had been so _Carlisle_ about it, never judging and losing his composure. The way he dealt with things was so open-minded and free, and the way he talked about his feelings and thoughts so easy that it made me almost envy him. He deserved those same responses and declarations he was able to give me. But I was incapable when it came to those things.

I searched my feelings about the mating bond for the millionth time, coming to the same conclusion than before. It really didn't cause any unpleasant sensations in me. How could it? And I was glad to have some sort of an explanation to the pull I had been feeling in Carlisle's presence during these months, and somehow it all just... fit. Like it had all come together somehow.

But no matter how intriguing and fascinating man Carlisle was, no matter how much I yearned for his company... the desire in itself, the yearning to be close to him terrified me a bit.

A lot, actually.

Because it meant that I... cared. That I didn't want to leave him. And I didn't want him to leave me.

Alice's marble arm wrapped around my shoulder, shaking me from my reverie, and I snaked my other hand to turn Alice's wrist so I could see her watch.

Almost six p.m.

"We should get back at the house," I stated casually, knowing that it wouldn't be long until Carlisle was home.

Alice giggled. "In a hurry, are you?" she teased. It was a small relief not having to pretend in her company.

Ignoring her comment, I started making my way through the dense forest. Alice clung to me, her delicate fingers playing with the ends of my hair.

"How is it going with you two?" she asked casually, the teasing transforming into real curiosity and caring. Behind the golden twinkle I saw my friend, the person I considered as my sister. And I was grateful for her presence now.

"Good, I guess," I muttered. "Sometimes I can't believe that this is actually happening," I confessed.

Alice laughed quietly, and the sound carried pure happiness. "It was about to happen," she declared, causing me to wonder again how long she had known about my possible future with Carlisle.

But this time instead of wondering, I just decided to ask.

"Did you... How long have you known that Carlisle and I... you know," I mumbled, still feeling a little unstable discussing about this, even with Alice.

The dainty woman by my side shrugged, the movement a little limited but no less graceful even when she still had her arm wrapped around my shoulders. "Since he decided to move here, I saw that the things were headed that way. But my visions were still a little hazy and uncertain," she explained, snapping a thin twig from a tree as we passed it by. She brought the tip of the twig on my cheek, tickling my sensitive skin with it.

"But," she continued, "They became more clear as the time passed. And I swear if I hadn't had Jasper to conspire with, I'd have gone crazy!"

I chuckled at her annoyance, shaking my head. "Did Jasper tell you about the mate thing?" I asked.

Alice nodded vigorously. "He did, a long time ago," she chimed. "And I'm so happy for both of you. You've both been alone for so long and it's about time that you find happiness in each other."

I was so moved by her words and enthusiasm that it took me a moment until I could summon a smile.

Alice's own smile fell a bit when she misread my hesitation. "It's a good thing, right?" she asked. "How do you feel about it?"

I let out a breath, frowning a bit. "Of course it's a good thing," I answered, my mind conjuring up an image of the ochre eyes and the swept-back golden hair. A very good thing. "But it's also a little scary," I confessed.

Alice was quiet for a moment, pondering. "I guess life is sometimes," she agreed. "But it's worth it in the end."

I wanted to believe her - I really wanted to. And the truth was that there was no going back now, and I realised that I didn't really want to go back. It had been only over a week since our first kiss in the forest, and already in that time I had become accustomed to Carlisle's proximity. The feeling was startling, because it meant that the longer I spent with him, the harder it would be to let go once I had to. If I had to.

But I didn't want to.

And that's what made it so complex. I didn't want to be separated from him. The separation, be that short or long, was almost straining. I realised that I craved his calm presence, his tender touches and kisses, the quiet moments in his study when we read together, and the way his hand would brush a lock of hair behind my ear or stroke the shape of my eyebrow...

Carlisle did that a lot. Touching was something he did almost constantly, as if he couldn't live without the physical contact. But I didn't complain; it was a lame expression to say that I liked his touches. No one had touched me with that same affection than he did.

There was a slight hesitation in his eyes and movements everytime he neared me to kiss my cheek, or when he came to wrap his arm around my shoulders. As if he waited for me to flee from him, or he expected me to be offended somehow.

I guess I couldn't blame him for that - sometimes I wondered myself when I was going to crack and run away. And at the same time I didn't want to run away - Carlisle was like the sun, and I was glad to orbit around him forever, the gravity I felt towards him becoming more important to me than the air I breathed.

Because he was the air I breathed. I practically lived off from those moments when his eyes flared as he saw something pleasant that intrigued him, or the way his lips curled up into a smile everytime he saw something endearing...

There was always a certain tenderness in his touches when he was with me. The way he brushed his hand against my shoulder, or the way he pulled me against his side gave me the impression that he thought I was something easily breakable and shattering.

Kissing him was something I had never experienced before. The same tenderness and affection was palpable everytime his lips brushed against mine, but behind those things there was something else; the desire and the heat in his kisses left me gasping for breath, igniting sensations in me that I had never felt before with this magnitude.

At that point Carlisle would usually pull away with a small smile, not letting the situation go on any further - the truth was that it frustrated me a bit. There had been no touching beneath the waist line, apart from the hasty brushes of his hand against my hip or backside, and even after those touches his movements had been almost apologizing, like he had done something immodest and dishonorable.

We had agreed not to rush, but no matter how much the situation along with the fact that I cared about him freaked me out, the truth was that I wanted to be with him, in every way. But Carlisle was a gentleman, maybe even a little old-fashioned when it came to those things. And the funny thing was, that it only made him even more desirable.

Alice's quiet, yet cheerful laughter penetrated into my mind.

"It's good to see you smiling," she stated, and I could see that she was really glad about my sudden good mood.

"It's good to have a reason to smile," I answered honestly.

For a moment I considered asking her opinion about the way Emmett and Rosalie would react after hearing about me and Carlisle. We still hadn't told them, and I needed the reassurance that it would all turn out okay somehow. But being coward, I swallowed the question before voicing it. I guess a part of me worried about her answer and about the possibility that the news wouldn't be received so well.

We would tell them tonight once Carlisle came home from the hospital, and Emmett and Rosalie along with Jasper returned from their hunting trip. They had left yesterday with Emmett's huge jeep and headed off somewhere north where the wildlife was more rich, and the bears more angry - that's what Emmett had said.

I wondered if he held a grudge towards bears after being mauled by them in his human life. It sure seemed like it sometimes.

Alice chuckled quietly beside me as we walked. I raised my eyebrows at her, wondering what amused her so much.

She threw me a glance, shrugging. "I have no reason to laugh," she answered to my unspoken question. "But do you always have to have a reason?" she pondered, and I wasn't sure if it was a direct question.

"I guess not," I admitted quietly.

Alice directed her golden eyes at me. "Bella," she said, and now there was some odd seriousness in her tone. "I can't tell you how wonderful it is to have you here with us," she stated, baffling me momentarily. "You have no idea how much things have changed from how it used to be," she continued, her tone taking a sadder hue. "These past years have been..." She shrugged at a loss of words, her golden eyes sorrowful. "It's like we've all been lost somehow, unable to find our way. But it's all getting better now," she said quietly.

Her outburst surprised me, and it took a moment until I could gather my bearings.

Alice didn't let my silence bother her, and her lips quirked into a smile once more. "And I don't think you realise how much your presence has helped Carlisle. I can't think of the last time I've seen him smiling so much than during these past few days."

"Really?" I asked, although I had noticed it myself. Carlisle had been smiling a lot during our moments spent together, and it's not like I had been sulking either.

"I've been wondering... " I began, pondering how to put my thoughts into one simple question. Easier said than done. "How does this deal with mates work?" I asked straightforward.

"What do you mean?" Alice frowned a bit.

"I mean... " I licked my lips, an image of Esme with the caramel hair popping into my head again. "I can't figure how Carlisle feels about all this," I revealed.

"About you and him being mates?" Alice asked.

A thrill traveled through me caused by only her words. Mates, I repeated in my mind, deciding that I really liked the sound of it.

"Yeah," I answered, shaking the thoughts away. "I keep wondering if it bothers him." It was surprisingly easy to confess that to Alice, knowing that she wouldn't have any judging thoughts. I was lucky to have a friend like her.

She laughed shortly as if she had heard something amusing. "Why would it bother him?" she asked, her tone unbelieving and curious at the same time.

I shrugged, suddenly feeling silly. "Esme's been a lot in my mind," I muttered, causing Alice to sober a bit. "Carlisle was devoted to her a long time. What if it troubles him to be now bound to me?"

"Does he seem like it troubles him?" Alice asked pointedly.

I gave it a thought, realising that apart from his hesitation to tell me about the mating bond he hadn't been at all displeased.

"No," I confessed. "Not really."

"Have you talked about this with him?"

I nodded, remembering the night a few days ago when he had told me about his discussion with Jasper. "A bit."

_"And it doesn't mean that we care about them less now, if we care about each other."_

Carlisle's whisper had been full of assurance and some sort of tranquility.

"Think of it this way," Alice said, jumping over a large stump. "You might have not been together with Edward as long as Carlisle and Esme had been together, but it doesn't mean that you don't care about him somehow, even after all this time."

I nodded mutely, thinking of the boy with the hair of bronze. Alice's bright voice shattered the mental picture, freezing the grief and sadness that was about to pierce the surface.

"Does your devotion to Carlisle somehow cause a conflict when you think about Edward?"

I thought it for a minute, studying the chaos in my mind.

"No," I finally answered with honesty. "When I think of Edward, it only makes me sorrowful. But it doesn't make me feel... wrong. That it'd be wrong to be with Carlisle," I muttered with a frown, trying to make sense of my tangled emotions.

"Exactly," Alice stated. "And it shouldn't feel wrong in any way."

We walked in silence for a while, and I was able to feel a little more at ease. Talking to Alice had been a good idea.

"Is there something else you've been wondering?" Alice asked, pulling a pine needle from my hair.

"A lot of things," I chuckled. "But I still don't quite understand how this thing between mates work. Why weren't Carlisle and I immediately drawn to each other when we first saw each other in Forks all those years ago? And when we met again five years later?"

"You were both involved with someone else in Forks," Alice pondered. "And the instinct is stronger between vampires. Although, I have to ask that didn't you feel anything towards him when you met again here in Vancouver?" Alice asked with a wink, making me feel like I should blush.

"I guess as the time passed I realised that something was going on," I admitted sheepishly, the hazy memories of my last weeks as a human swirling in my mind. "But I didn't let my thoughts go too far."

Alice's laughter rang through the woods again. "You were both so dense that it was almost painful," she quipped, earning a nudge of my elbow from me.

Minutes later when we emerged from the woods and made our way across the backyard, I noticed that the window of Carlisle's study was wide open. It could only mean one thing; he was already home.

Soon the subject of my thoughts appeared between the dark curtains, a small smile playing on his lips. I took in the golden eyes, the pale blue shirt along with the black tie, the blond hair, and I could easily imagine the way he had raked his fingers through it during the day.

He reached out his hand like beckoning me to him, and it took a nudge from Alice until I realised that he was actually waving me over.

I measured the distance between us, deciding that jumping thirty feet upwards all the way to the fourth floor wasn't much of a task. I tensed my muscles, feeling pure relief being able to use all my strength for something without holding myself back for once.

I could have easily grabbed the windowframes to prevent myself from falling back to the ground, but that obviously wasn't an option for Carlisle; he had reached out from the window to grab my arms in an instant, and it took only a blink of an eye as he pulled me through the open window into his study, settling me on the black couch resting under it.

There was mischief in his eyes as he sat me down on it, and I battled with the sudden urge to yank him closer to meet my lips.

"How was your hunt?" he asked as he closed the window, a part of me still wondering his impatience towards the fact that I couldn't walk through the front door to get to his study. But it certainly was better this way - I guess too many seconds would have been lost if I had taken the longer route.

"It was okay," I whispered. "How was your day?"

"Quite calm," he mused. "A rare one, considering how busy the hospital usually is."

"Do you like it more when it's busy?" I asked, playing idly with his sleeve when he sat down next to me.

A pondering frown creased his forehead as he thought about my question. "It's not that I actually enjoy the massive amounts of patients and the pain they are going through," he mediated. "But sometimes during those busy days I'm forced to focus on several things at the same time, and it's something that an average doctors can't do. It's quite rewarding to be able to do that."

I could only admire the passion he had for his job - it was more than just a job for him, it was the way of living.

"What's the best part in being a doctor?" I asked, more than eager to see the flaring tenderness in his eyes when he spoke about his work.

My question seemed to surprise him a bit, but he looked pleased nonetheless. "I cannot decide," he mused, rewarding me with a flare of his golden irises. The small smile playing on his lips made his eyes light up, and he was painfully clueless what that small occurence caused in me.

This was what I had been missing the whole day.

Carlisle's words reminded me of the conversation we'd had on the night of my birthday over five years ago. Carlisle had said that it pleased him to know that his enhanced abilities allowed him to help people.

Apparently he was thinking about that same moment, judging from the way his fingers brushed my arm where I had carried a scar from that night. But the scar was gone now, like all the other superficial imperfections I had received as a human.

His venom had cured my illness, and all the bruises and old wounds that had covered my skin when I had been a mortal. All those superficial and physical flaws were gone, and I wondered if I could be a whole and flawless person from the inside someday.

Like he was. Could I ever be a match for him, could I ever have the inner strength and beauty he carried with him?

"Is something wrong?" he asked quietly, his golden eyes studying me.

I shook my head, trying to rid myself of the wistfullness. "No."

A small frown appeared again, and he narrowed his eyes as he regarded me with his gaze. I leaned my head against his shoulder to avoid his studying eyes, enjoying the serenity his presence managed to bring.

The calm didn't last for long. The rumble of Emmett's jeep was heard after a few minutes, making me stiffen under Carlisle's arm.

It was time.

Carlisle noticed my tenseness, and he stroked my arm reassuringly. It made me wonder if he ever got nervous about anything. But the way he cleared his throat releaved his uneasiness, and I knew he must have been dreading this moment at least a little. I pulled back from his side, and he got up from the couch and gave me a little tug, pulling me to my feet.

"It's alright," he whispered and he frowned down at me, looking worried.

I felt like a deer caught in the headlights. And probably looked like one, too. "What if it's not?" I asked.

He only smiled. Where did he get all that optimism?

"When nothing is sure, everything is possible," he said. "Don't worry so much."

We were making our way downstairs as Emmett's jeep pulled into the garage. The three staircases separating us from the others seemed suddenly a very short distance, and it took all I had not to whirl around and run away.

But Carlisle's hand brushing my forearm made me reconsider, and I took another step down the stairs.

This was the first time as a vampire when I felt like hyperventilating.

Alice was leaning casually against the doorframe of the living room, a smug expression on her face. It calmed me down a bit - surely she wouldn't look so cheerful if the outcome of our upcoming conversation took a bad turn.

The door leading to the garage banged open, revealing Emmett. His golden eyes glowed as brightly as his smile as he narrated something very loudly to Jasper who was walking behind him. I couldn't focus on his words, though. The urge to race somewhere safe and hide was back again.

My primitive instincts that I still hadn't managed to stifle were one step ahead of me, and I hadn't even realised that I had taken a few steps closer to the front door, the urge to flee overpowering me momentarily.

A tight grip around my arm stopped me, but the power of the grip was nothing compared to the intensity of Carlisle's ochre eyes.

And something flared in me, making me question the cause of my fear.

Carlisle didn't deserve my sissyness - he deserved a person who could stand by his side without hesitation and doubts. I wanted to be that person. It wasn't like I was ashamed of the things that had been going on between us. This wasn't something I should try to hide or stash away.

Carlisle didn't deserve it.

I took a step back towards him. "Sorry," I breathed soundlessly.

He wore a small smile, and relief flooded over me when I realised that I hadn't offended him by my cowardness.

Did his patience ever run out?

The small group of unspeakably beautiful vampires had emerged from the garage by now, and Emmett announced loudly that it was time to watch a baseball game. He started making his way towards the living room, but Carlisle stopped him by clearing his throat quietly.

His authority always managed to baffle me - he only had to make a quiet sound like that and have everyone's attention without even actually speaking.

"Could you postpone that particular activity for a while?" he asked smoothly. "There's something we should discuss. Something that you all should know." His voice was serene and calm, holding no anxiety.

How the hell did he do it?

Emmett shrugged, Rosalie frowned and Jasper smiled.

Carlisle led us to the large kitchen, and as if by some mutual agreement we all took our seats around the large table. I expected Carlisle to sit at the head of the table, but for some reason he didn't.

He took his seat by my side, causing everyone to raise their eyebrows a bit. I guess the others were accustomed for him to take the place of the leader, too.

We spread around the table evenly, Carlisle on my left, Alice on my right and Jasper by her side. Rosalie and Emmett sat on the other side of the table, linking their fingers.

Suddenly I didn't know where to keep my hands. I folded my arms across my chest, then lowered them on the cool surface on the table only to let them drop down to my lap after that.

I should have known to be the first squirming and fidgeting vampire in the history.

Emmett's deep voice filled the kitchen soon. "So," he said casually. "What's up with the session?"

Rosalie raised her eyebrows, looking curious.

I wanted to bite my fingernails.

It seemed that Carlisle didn't expect any verbal expressions from me, and I was grateful for that. He took the situation in control, his voice calm and even like always as he slowly started to speak.

He didn't jump right into the topic, and I hadn't expected him to. He started off slow, telling about his constant sullen mood before coming to Vancouver, and how he felt like he wasn't the person he had used to be. He told that he had felt like a stray, going from day to day without even realising the time that was passing.

It was difficult to imagine Carlisle like that. And it made me realise that I wasn't the only one in this house haunted by my past.

Emmett and Rosalie looked both puzzled and sorrowful. Whatever they had been expecting to hear, it wasn't this.

"I'm sorry, Carlisle," Rosalie said quietly after a moment. "We weren't acting like family members should act. We should have been more supportive after Esme and Edward - ," her sentence was interrupted when Carlisle shook his head at her apologies.

"I wasn't exactly seeking company at the time," he answered. "We all needed time to deal, and I wished to spend it alone. You have no reason to apologize."

It saddened me to think that he had wanted to go through that alone, and at the same time tried to be strong for the others. I snaked my fingers under the table, finding Carlisle's hand that he had leaned against his knee.

His fingers were warm against my touch, and the warmth in his eyes made me almost melt. But I couldn't understand the current flare of gratitude in them; it's not like I had been there for him when he had needed someone to lean to.

"Then something occured," Carlisle continued, turning his gaze from me after a few more seconds and letting his eyes sweep the others. "I came to Vancouver, having no idea how much it would change my life - our life."

He took a deep breath, Alice throwing him an expectant look. Then he licked his lips quickly, and the words didn't come so easily to him anymore. He struggled for a moment to explain the situation, and I understood why it was so easy to fail in this task.

Because this wasn't something that could be explained by words. It was impossible to explain emotions verbally. Neither of us could determine what had brought us to this. We couldn't say that 'this and this happened, and after that it led to this.' It wasn't so easy.

I squeezed Carlisle's hand under the table as we both drowned in our lack of words.

The expectant silence continued, broken by Emmett's partly amused tone.

"Yeah?" he prodded.

Carlisle and I were in unison in that moment - maybe we always had been. And because no words would do now, we tangled our fingers even tighter together before raising our linked hands on the top of the dark table. And our linked fingers were like a signal - a symbol - to all those things we couldn't put into words.

Someone let out a breath, and I realised that our innocent, yet affectionate gesture had spoken.

The surface of the table was cool and smooth, and Carlisle's skin silky against my own. My eyes wandered everywhere, sweeping the cream-colored walls before studying the dark material of the table, my gaze avoiding every pair of golden eyes in the room.

But it turned out that there wasn't much to look at in the kitchen. Or then Carlisle's soundless invitation to look back at him was the only thing I could hear and sense at the moment.

He had an appreciative look in his eyes, as if he was looking something precious. I tore my gaze away from his ochre eyes to see his lips, learning that he wore a small smile.

Someone cleared his throat to dissolve our silent moment.

It was Emmett, and I was a little afraid to look at him. But looking at him was easier that looking Rosalie; I didn't know what reaction to expect from her.

"Uh," Emmett stammered, gesturing towards my hand that was linked to Carlisle's. "At this point I should save you from more awkwardness and say that... we already kind of knew."

I stared at him blankly, wondering how long they had all been aware of this. It couldn't be real that Carlisle and I were the last persons to find out. How ironic would that be.

"Alice has been dropping hints," Emmett continued, draping his arm over Rosalie's shoulder. I finally ventured to take a glance at her.

Her expression was smooth, her brow creased in a pondering frown.

Carlisle had found his voice again, and he brushed his thumb against my sensitive skin. "She has told you?" he asked, his voice curious. Alice's chuckle rang through the room.

"Not straightforward," Emmett answered, shrugging. "The things she's said have been pretty impalpable, as usually." He threw a very annoyed glance at Alice, causing Jasper to snort softly. "But enough to help us put two and two together."

Carlisle raised his brow, his lips quirking into a small smile.

Another heavy silence.

Emmett couldn't take it - it made me entertain the idea of trying out how many seconds straight he could be quiet. Maybe someday. "Ah, come on! Don't be so awkward," he hollered, inevitably lightening the mood.

Carlisle squeezed my hand again, letting out a breath he had been holding. His eyes sweeped mine before studying Emmett and Rosalie again.

"How do you feel of all this?" he asked, some of his concern shining through in his tone.

Rosalie had been quiet for the whole time, and I wondered if the strange relationship between us was wrecked again just when I had managed to get along with her a little better.

She licked her lips, smoothing out the small frown to gaze at me and Carlisle.

"It's... " she began hesitantly. "It's a lot to take in," she admitted quietly, but for my relief she didn't sound upset. "How long ago...?" She let her words fade, having no need to finish her sentence.

Carlisle looked at me again, a tender smile rising on his lips. He struggled to answer for a moment, making me wonder how long he had been harboring feelings towards me.

"A few days," he answered eventually, talking to Rosalie but keeping his gaze on my face. I wondered if he was thinking what I was - the passionate kiss in the woods almost two weeks ago when all the denying and avoiding had ended between us.

"I think Alice and Jasper had a better understanding of the matters before Bella and I did," Carlisle confessed with a chuckle. Emmett gave a loud laugh, and even Rosalie smiled a bit.

"And there's something more," Carlisle said hesitantly, gazing at me as if to ask a permission. I shrugged and nodded at him.

I studied Emmett and Rosalie when Carlisle shared the conversation he had had with Jasper about the mating bond.

Emmett whistled loudly, leaning back in his chair. Rosalie raised her brow in surprise, her expression otherwise difficult to read. She cleared her throat quietly, unable to hide the quiet grief in her eyes as she spoke.

"What about Esme?" she asked, her tone wistful. "I thought she was your mate."

Jasper had been so quiet that I had almost forgotten that he was here. But now he reminded me of his presence, his low voice echoing from the walls.

"It's possible for a vampire to love someone without actually forming a mating bond," he drawled quietly, leaning his forearms against the table. Carlisle nodded, and there was the same grief in his eyes that was visible in Rosalie's.

"Esme and Edward will never be forgotten," Carlisle assured quietly.

The color in Rosalie's eyes neared black for a moment until the golden hues returned. It made me wonder how upset she really was on the inside. What if she saw the situation between Carlisle and myself as a betrayal for Esme and Edward?

Emmett pulled Rosalie closer to him, giving quick kiss on her cheek.

"It takes some time to get used to all this," she said eventually, her voice a little tight.

"Of course," Carlisle nodded. "We understand."

Rosalie's eyes flitted from me to Carlisle, and then back to me. A constrained chuckle left her lips.

"You don't have to look so scared, Bella," she chuckled. "I'm not going to crawl over the table and skin you or anything."

I gave her a strained smile, trying to ease my tense posture a bit. Carlisle freed my fingers from his grasp, setting his hand on my shoulder instead. His touch calmed me down more than anything, making me forget the four pairs of eyes directed at us.

"I think it's awesome," Emmett rumbled after a moment. "Maybe a little weird but - ," Alice's hiss made him clam up and clear his throat. "Not weird. Just awesome. Way to go, Pop."

Carlisle chuckled quietly beside me and we exchanged a look. Relief was evident in his golden irises, and I was sure that my expression matched pretty much his.

This had gone better than I'd thought.

We all scattered on our own ways then; Emmett and Jasper dragged Carlisle into the living room to watch some important baseball game while Alice toted me upstairs with Rosalie.

To be honest, I would have liked to spend my evening with Carlisle - I craved his calm presence now more than ever. And I realised that now when the others officially knew about us, we wouldn't have to sneak around anymore.

And I realised; no more stolen kisses in the serene atmosphere of his study, no more long walks in the forest while desperately trying to drag out our private time together. No soundless kisses while curled up against his side and reading another book I had borrowed from him. No secret touches on the front porch before opening the door and getting inside...

Those stolen moments had been the center of my focus during these past few days, and I tried to rid myself on the melancholy. It's not like I had lost any of those things. We just didn't need to hide anymore.

The realisation made me feel triumphant, and a sudden exitement bubbled in my stomach, making the proverbial butteflies flap their wings.

Carlisle looked a bit puzzled when I threw a wide smile at him before letting Alice yank me upstairs.

The sound of the TV downstairs combined with Alice's perky chattering as we made our way to the second floor. I found myself observing Rosalie's form quite relentlessly, trying to read her movements and facial expressions to find out if she was upset or not.

She was a little quiet at first when Alice led us through the second floor, piling magazines on the shelves and tables as she went. I hadn't had the chance to see the space Alice had arranged for Rosalie and Emmett yet. She had wanted me to get the full effect once it was finished.

Most of the second floor's rooms had been turned into lounges when Alice had first arrived in here. I made my way through the hallway behind her and Rosalie, peeking inside two rooms to find out that they hadn't changed that much. The light-coloured couches and carpets still adorned the rooms, accompanied with dozens of books and magazines. It puzzled me because during these last weeks Alice had been almost constantly decorating the second floor. Surely she could accomplish a lot more in several weeks.

"Over here, Bella," Alice hurried me, ushering me towards the end of the hall where two of the largest rooms resided. I peeked inside and instantly regretted my earlier mistrust in Alice.

Two of the largest rooms had been joined into one, making the space open and wide. The decor was the same modern as the rest of the house had, but it took me only a few seconds to detect the classic, more older touches in the room, bringing the feel of 30's.

It was very homey. The large room actually looked like a small house inside a house.

The walls were a nice shade of burgundy, a very distinctive contrast against the cream-coloured floor. But it didn't cause a conflict - on the opposite. The colours complimented each other quite well.

Most of the furniture was made of wood, and I had an urge to brush my fingers against the smooth material.

"Rosalie chose the colors and all the other details," Alice informed. I turned to them, seeing Rosalie sweeping her gaze around the room, an oddly contended expression on her face.

I should have realised it right away. That's why the room had the feel of 30's in it - it was the time when Rosalie had been a human, and I guess she had wanted to bring a little piece of her human life into this house.

"It's very beautiful," I complimented, my eyes taking in the large bed covered with a golden bedspread, the color matching the shade of the curtains.

"I think so too," Rosalie agreed, giving me a cautious smile. Alice beamed beside her, obviously complacent about her finished project.

I chuckled at the large space after a moment, pointing my finger at the spot where the wall should have been.

"You actually took down one wall," I stated, not being able to decide if I should be amused or surprised.

Rosalie snorted softly and Alice shrugged. "It was in my way," she declared.

"Remind me not ever to get in your way ," I chuckled.

"I will," she promised cheerily, making her way towards Rosalie's huge closet while asking her where they had gone hunting yesterday.

"Near the West Lion," Rosalie answered.

I wondered what that was like - to be able to get in a car and drive a long distance somewhere, without worrying about catching a human scent and killing someone.

"Oh, West Lion!" Alice gushed while rummaging through Rosalie's clothes. "It's so beautiful up there."

"It is," Rosalie agreed. "We almost had to leave Emmett there. It was difficult to make him come home after seeing all those mountain lions and hibernating bears."

Emmett's thundering voice sounded from downstairs, drowning the noise of the flatscreen easily. "I wasn't that difficult," he disagreed. "I was just making a point. There's not nearly enough wild animals to chase in here." Carlisle chuckled quietly at his comment. The sound of a turning page could be heard, and I guessed that Carlisle didn't really bother to watch the game. I could easily imagine the way he had propped the medical journal against his knee, his other hand loosening the tie around his neck.

"Sure, darling," Rosalie answered, amused.

Alice had obviously decided to make this night as a girls' night. After going through Rosalie's wardrobe and adding a few of her recent purchases in it, she dragged us to fourth floor into my room. I wondered if she did that to tease me, because surely she had to know how fervently I wanted to spent time with Carlisle.

_He's only three floors down_, I tried to calm myself. _You have the rest of the night to spend with him, to watch the way his lips move while he talks, and to see how he runs his fingers through his hair..._

He had nice fingers, I realised. Who would have thought that fingers could be that... alluring?

Alice had lit up dozens of candles during my daydreaming, and the candleflames reflected from the large window of my room nicely. The scenery outside was changing colors, the evening transforming into night.

Alice apparently needed a new project, judging from the way she delved into my closet I rarely even peeked into. I almost groaned when she started pulling out different garments, without a doubt wanting to see me wearing them.

I tried to ignore Rosalie's presence in the room when I started to peel off my sweater, the vain part of my mind worrying about how I looked in her eyes. Apparently being a vampire hadn't managed to raise my self-esteem very much.

Rosalie decided to leave after a while, and it made me more troubled than relieved. She didn't seem awfully upset, but I had noticed that I hadn't been the only quiet person in the room during the last minutes.

Maybe she just needed time to deal with the things she had heard today.

"Carlisle?" she asked before leaving my room.

"Yes?" a honeyed voice answered from downstairs. I knew that tone - he was distracted. He always sounded like that when he had absorbed himself in reading.

"I was wondering when was the last time you changed the oil in your car," Rosalie queried, her soundless steps taking her downstairs. Maybe working with cars was something that made her mind at ease.

"It's been a while," Carlisle answered. "But you don't have to do that for me, I'll be happy to do it myself," he offered.

The image of Carlisle rolling up his sleeves and crawling under the black Mercedes made tingles run through me.

"Not as happy as I am," Rosalie stated, and I was relieved to hear a small smile in her tone. The door of the garage opened and closed, and Carlisle thanked her quietly.

After an hour I heard someone switching the channel downstairs, signaling that the game must have ended. Emmett and Jasper started a thorough analysis of the game, and I heard Carlisle getting up quietly and coming upstairs.

I had expected him to go straight to his study to do his paperwork as he usually did. But instead his steps took him to the closed door of my room.

I had a tiny panic attack then. And the reason was that I had no shirt on - Alice had just made me try on a dozen sleevess tank tops.

A soft knock on the door made me start groping for something - anything - to cover my bare torso. I grabbed a towel from the couch, draping it over my shoulders, trying to ignore Alice's gleeful expression.

"May I come in?" Carlisle asked quietly.

"Yes."

"No!"

Alice's answer and my own blended together, and I threw a dirty look at her direction.

Carlisle opened the door a little hesitantly and stepped inside, his eyes taking in the dozens of candles lighting up the room before sweeping his gaze over me. A puzzled expression rose on his face, transforming into a surprise.

He raised his brow, clearing his throat quietly. "Do you want me to give you two a moment?" he asked, looking a little sheepish.

"No," Alice answered cheerily, putting the rest of the clothes into my closet with quick movements. "We were just finishing."

I ground my teeth and narrowed my eyes at her.

"Bye Bella," she quipped and disappeared through the door, ignoring my murdering stare.

I was so going to pay her back someday.

We just stood there for a moment. Carlisle suddenly seemed very interested in the walls, his gaze politely avoiding my towel-clad form.

I didn't know why I got so uncomfortable about him seeing me - the situation just seemed suddenly very intimate. I fisted the towel in my fingers, trying not to tear the fabric.

Carlisle threw a quick glance at me, and he seemed to have trouble swallowing. Then the other side of his mouth quirked a bit, and I knew that beneath the surface he was hiding a smile.

I started to look around for my sweater - I couldn't stand here all night wrapped in a towel.

"Looking for this?" Carlisle asked, reaching out to take the dark grey sweater from the back of a chair. He cleared his throat quietly, holding out the garment for me and avoiding my eyes.

His attempt to hide his smile failed completely this time.

"You think this very funny, don't you," I huffed, snatching the sweater from his fingers so vigorously that it was a wonder that the fabric didn't rip.

He cleared his throat again. "Funny and... something else," he said quietly, and the smoldering in his eyes made me almost drop the towel.

Someone giggled downstairs.

The functioning part of my brain was plotting a convenient way to murder Alice.

Carlisle turned away politely while I yanked the sweater on, and it took me some effort to get it on without causing any damage to it.

"You can turn around now," I informed, dumping the towel on the couch.

Carlisle had that same mischievous glimmer in his eyes as he turned, his eyes studying me as if he hadn't seen me in a long time.

Then he took a step forward, brushing his fingertips against my jaw.

It caused me to realise that I hadn't kissed him since this morning before he had left for work. And here I stood, wasting valuable time only to stare.

What a crime.

Usually it was Carlisle who initiated the kisses, but I thought that an exception was in order now. I rose on my toes, grabbing the hand he was brushing against my jawline, and pressed my lips against his.

My movements were so fast that I managed to take him by surprise. But he recovered quickly, and I could feel him smiling against my lips while wrapping his free arm around my back.

The kiss was exploring, sensual and gentle. And very free somehow - there was no need to quiet our breaths, or no need to try to stifle the sound caused by Carlisle's teeth when he gently nibbled my lower lip. Because we didn't need to keep these moments as quiet as possible any longer.

A shiver ran through me when Carlisle nuzzled the area under my left ear. Would I ever get used to the reaction his touch caused in me?

No. I wouldn't. And I really didn't want to.

I hadn't realised that I had wrapped my other leg around his hip in a way that could be considered inappropriate. Carlisle's hand on my lower back fisted around the fabric on my sweater, and a quiet sigh that resembled a moan escaped his mouth.

He did then exactly what I had expected him to do. What I kept hoping that someday he wouldn't. He pulled back from me very reluctantly, as if to gaze at me.

Except he didn't gaze at me. His eyes were squeezed closed, like he was having trouble restraining himself. He released my sweater from his grip, taking a deep breath.

I didn't know how to feel about his yet another pullback. I knew he didn't do that to offend me - he wanted us to take it slow for my own sake as much as his.

The battle he was fighting against himself did manage to amuse me a bit. He opened his eyes after a moment, kneading my shoulders as if to settle himself.

"So. Who won the game?" I teased, refering to the baseball game Emmett and Jasper had forced him to watch.

Carlisle frowned a bit, and his distractedness made me feel oddly smug. "Uh," he struggled. "I'm not sure. I didn't really follow it."

"Oh?" He pulled me towards the couch and we sat on it, Carlisle's hands sliding to hold my wrists gently. "You must have really focused on those medical journals again."

"Not exactly," he hummed. "My focus was entirely on something else," he admitted, and the glimmer in his eyes was there again.

I chuckled quietly. "And what managed to get your attention so unyieldingly?"

"You, of course," he whispered, pressing another kiss on my lips.

Emmett's grumble sounded from downstairs, accompanied with Jasper's chuckle. "Get a room," he grouched, but judging from his tone he wasn't complaining, only trying to tease.

"I believe it's my house," Carlisle pointed out with a smile, drawing another chuckle from Jasper. "You're free to leave anytime you wish."

That night was almost perfect. Calmness was something that had been completely absent in my life during the last few years, but in Carlisle's company I was able to experience it. The feeling of tranquility was almost foreign, and I welcomed it with my arms wide open.

After hurrying through his paperwork he came back into my room, pulling me against his side while we sat on the couch. At times we were just quiet, sitting still and simply enjoying each other's presence, still learning to get used to the proximity that we got to experience. Listening to his breathing was very relaxing, and if I had been a human I would have surely fallen asleep in no time.

We would talk quietly every once in a while about ordinary things. I listened Carlisle telling me about his day at the hospital, and about the people he worked with. I asked about the nurses that had taken care of me during my time there, curious about how they were doing. I wondered if they ever thought of me - did they ever wonder where I had left before Christmas? They were left under the impression that I wanted to spend my last weeks somewhere else than the hospital, never knowing that I would be actually more than healthy.

Carlisle got up after a while, his lithe movements taking him to my ridiculously empty bookshelf. He viewed my tiny collection of books with a genuine interest, a small smile lighting up his face every once in a while. I watched him plucking a book from the shelf and he read the cover quickly.

"Agatha Christie?" he wondered aloud, turning to me with a surprised smile and holding a copy of _Endless Night_.

I shrugged at him, understanding his possible confusion. "Detective stories aren't usually on my reading list. But that's not a detective story if you really think about it."

"I know," he said, browsing through the book quickly. "It has a lot of psychological twists in it. I read it when it was published."

"Of course you've read it," I quipped. "You've read every book." I puckered up my lip in a sulking manner.

He chuckled quietly, putting the book back on the shelf. "Not every book," he comforted, continuing to read the spines of my worn volumes and probably noting in his mind that he had read every single of _them_.

I let my eyes trail towards the large window. The scenery outside almost matched the dark blue color of my curtains, and I searched the sky longingly. It was covered in thick veil of clouds, so no moon or stars tonight, either.

I was so focused on looking at the night scenery that it took me a while to realise that Carlisle had stopped breathing, and he was suddenly oddly quiet.

I glanced at him with a concerned frown. He was still standing in front of the bookshelf with his back towards me so I couldn't see his expression. But something in his posture made me suspect that something was wrong.

I was just about to call his name when he moved, setting something on the bottom shelf.

It was a piece of paper, cut from a magazine. I recognized it immediately; it was the picture of a stormy sky, the picture that had adorned the walls of my many apartments during the years. Alice had brought it from my recent apartment weeks ago, along with the rest of my meager belongings.

It had some sort of beauty in it if you really looked at it. But mostly it was only a grim ambience captured on a paper. Grey, dark and gloomy.

Carlisle attempted to give me a smile when he realised I was looking at him, but the small frown on his angelic face didn't quite smooth out. His eyes searched me, making me feel suddenly vulnerable under his gaze.

"You don't like than picture," I stated, shifting on the couch and folding my legs beneath me.

Carlisle stayed by the bookshelf, throwing another resentful gaze at the sinister photo like it was a poisonous snake.

"No," he answered, and I was surprised by his curtness. "I don't."

The look in his eyes softened when he noticed my stare, and he made his way across the room calmly, his steps as slow and measured as his next words.

"It only reminds me of..." He licked his lips, his ochre eyes flitting into my eyes. "It just that it reminds me of the things that I don't know about you," he explained softly, sitting beside me but maintaining a short physical distance. Like he expected me to explode or something.

My first reaction was to retreat into my shell, my mind conjuring up different ways to change the subject. But something in his eyes disarmed me, and as much as being disarmed in anyone's presence freaked me out, I stayed silent. His words echoed in the room as I waited him to say something else.

But he was as quiet as I was, and I ventured to take a quick glance at him.

His eyes were studying me again, as if to read me. To look beneath the surface. I expected it to feel somehow hostile or otherwise uncomfortable, but I only found myself feeling oddly disconnected.

"Maybe it's good that you don't know those things," I answered with a shrug, feeling the need to say something.

I expected him to deny my words, but he didn't.

"Why so?" he queried, leaning his forearms against his knees but keeping his eyes on me.

I shrugged again, trying to find a convenient explanation. Something that would be honest enough, and yet something that would satisfy him.

The task was surprisingly difficult.

"Because... " I shook my head, once again having difficulty expressing my thoughts. "You might not see me the same way anymore."

My words were shorthanded and vague, but it was all I could offer at the moment. I hoped that he wouldn't push it anymore, that he would accept my answer as it was.

No such luck.

"What do you mean?" he asked softly.

Downstairs someone closed the backdoor, and several pairs of feet made their way across the yard. Maybe our conversation was making the others uncomfortable, or then they wanted to give us privacy.

"We are already unbalanced," I whispered, stating something that had gnawed and troubled me from the beginning. "You and I... we don't match in a way we should," I explained, even if I was scared out of my mind that he might agree with me.

Carlisle was very still for a long time.

I glanced at his unblinking golden eyes, startled by the emotion in them.

He suddenly slid off the couch to the floor, and then he was on his knees in front of me. His hands grasped mine roughly and tenderly at the same time, the intensity of his stare making the breath hitch in my throat.

"Why would you say that?"

His voice was very quiet, and the hurt in it made me almost flinch.

"Is this about what we talked about a few days ago?" he asked. "When you said that you feel like you're not a whole and stable person? "

_"I don't understand what you possibly see in me."_

My own voice reverberated in my mind as I remembered the conversation from last week.

"It's just that... Sometimes I feel like you should be with someone who can give you all af herself," I explained quietly, trying to transform the mess in my head into sensible words. Words that he could hear and understand. "You deserve to be with someone equal. Someone who doesn't hold things back."

"Someone whole," Carlisle stated for me, and there was a barely audible edge in his tone. My nasal cavities prickled, reminding me of the tears that couldn't exist.

"Yes," I agreed, and the coolness in my tone managed to surprise even myself.

"What makes you think that you're somehow less worth - inferior?" Carlisle challenged. "And what makes you believe that I'm a whole, complete person?"

For the millionth time I shrugged, idly wondering if that was my only way of communication.

"Because I'm not," Carlisle whispered. "When I'm without you, I'm not."

His words made me freeze. As if I had needed his words to make my brain activity cease altogether - his golden eyes were like suns as he lifted my knuckles to his mouth, brushing my hand gently with his cool lips. The gesture was like an act of worship, and still something so much more. Something passed between us then, and the time and place didn't matter to us any longer.

"Then don't be without me," I asked. Requested, pleaded, begged.

Because I couldn't be without him.

I crawled from the couch to sit beside him on the floor, the sudden urge to close the short distance between us overwhelming me. He met me with a warm embrace that was almost like a soundless promise.

His breath was warm against my neck when I rested in his lap, clinging to him like he was my lifeline. In many ways he was.

In all ways.

Carlisle shifted on the floor and leaned his back against the couch, pulling me closer and tucking my head gently against the hollow of his neck. He leaned his chin against the top of my head, touching my back lightly with his hand in a soothing manner.

My eyes fell back on the picture that rested on the shelf across the room. I didn't need to look at Carlisle to know that he was looking towards the same direction.

For a moment we just sat there on the floor, staring at the small piece of paper and quietly wondering how many emotions that innocent-looking picture had caused in both of us.

"I'll get rid of it if you want," I offered after a moment to break the silence.

A puff of cool air brushed my scalp when Carlisle snorted softly, the weight of his chin disappearing, replaced by the feeling of his nose pressed against my hair. He inhaled slowly, and I heard the way his eyelashes brushed the marble skin under his eyes.

Did he just smell my hair?

"It's not the picture I resent," he answered softly against my hair.

"I know," I sighed, thinking about his earlier words. "It's the things it represents," I mused. "The things you don't know about me."

His lips brushed the top of my head again, and he tightened his embrace for a moment. "It wasn't fair of me to ask," he admitted. "I didn't mean to push you to tell me anything you don't wish to share." He pulled back slightly, tilting his head so that he was looking down at me. I kept my eyes at the picture, a little nervous to look into his eyes.

"I'm only very curious about you," he explained. "I've realised that I want to know everything about you. What makes you happy, what makes you sorrowful..." he listed, letting his words drift off.

I guess I couldn't blame him for wanting that; I really wanted to know every little thing about him, too.

"I'm really not that interesting person," I stated. "And I don't have any huge revelations to make, if that's what you're worried about." My eyes studied the layers of dark colors on the paper, my eyesight picking up the small smears of ink. "I just feel that... you should know what a mess I am sometimes. It's only fair to you that you know," I mused quietly, my words fading into silence.

His arms tightened around me again, his nose pressing against my scalp once more. I could easily imagine the way he narrowed his eyes and frowned in concern, and his voice was quiet as he spoke against my hair.

"I don't quite understand," he ruminated. "Why do you feel the need to make the situation fair to me? What makes you say that?"

I shrugged in his embrace. "I don't know. So that you'd know what you've signed up for."

His quiet chuckle was humorless. "You make it sound like this is some sort of a burden to be carried. This... situation between us."

"I didn't mean it like that," I assured quickly, wondering how badly I had offended him. "I mean that _I'm_ the burden to be carried. I'm no prize, Carlisle. I just want you to realise that."

After a moment of silence he pushed me away from his body, and for one fleeting moment I thought that he didn't want me close anymore. The regret was soon drowned under the intensity of Carlisle's eyes when he held me at arm's lenght, holding my gaze in his own.

"What you said is indescribably far from the truth, Bella," he declared with a quiet voice. "You fail to see yourself clearly enough. And I have failed in proving you how much you really mean to me. I haven't proved how truly devoted I am to you."

"You don't have to prove anything," I whispered. "And I didn't mean to question your devotion to me," I continued, at the same time wondering if I had done exactly that.

"You may question it if you feel the need," Carlisle said softly. His eyes were on fire as he continued, his tone fervent and gentle at the same time. "But you should know that someday I will make you believe. Because nothing in this world will drive me away from you."

The passion in his voice rivaled with the intensity of his eyes, and I realised that he had to mean it. I felt the need to say something back, to give him the same amount of devotion and affection he was giving me time after time. He offered me his commitment time and time again, never asking anything for return. It only made him more beautiful, and that inner beauty he possessed was almost blinding.

"Carlisle... " The words stuck to my throat, one word in particular. How hard could it be?

He watched my struggling for a moment, and then pried my fingers away from his shirt. When had I started to squeeze his arm so hard?

"I know," he whispered, once again letting me off the hook and taking the weight off my shoulders, ready to give all of himself and demanding nothing from me.

And I accepted it, and that's what made me so awful.

His lips brushed my fingers gently, and I leaned back against his chest.

We spent the next few minutes just being quiet. The silence of the house seemed now more prominent, and it made me wonder where the others had gone. Although silence was a relative term nowdays; even after almost three months of being an immortal I still hadn't gotten used to all the supersensitive senses. The world surrounding me was rarely completely silent, and there was always something more to hear.

Instead of focusing on the sounds coming from the forest outside, or the ticking of the clock coming from downstairs, I focused on the sounds in this room. Carlisle's chest under my head rose and fell as he breathed quietly, the sound of his breaths calming me enough to bring me into a state that could almost count as a slumber.

"Are you sleeping again?" Carlisle whispered with an amused tone, very quietly as if not to disturb me.

I chuckled, drawing in the scent of his clothes. It made me realise that he still wore the same clothes he had worn at the hospital, and the smell of humans had been barely noticeable to me during the day. Maybe I was getting better.

"Sure," I sighed. "Don't you miss sleeping?"

"Sometimes, I guess," he admitted.

We were quiet again for a while, but eventually I sighed, pulling away from him slightly and glancing outside into the night.

"I wonder where the others went," I muttered, my eyes searching the different hues of blue and purple to pick up any familiar forms amongst the trees.

"They will be back," Carisle soothed, hesitating for a while. "Emmett and Rosalie seemed to take the news well," he pondered, his ochre eyes studying the same forest I was watching.

"Yeah," I agreed, the image or Rosalie's uncomfortable expression rising into my mind. "Rosalie seemed to be a little bothered by it, though."

"She needs time to sort the matters in her mind. But she will come around eventually."

"It's difficult for her... to see you without Esme," I stated cautiously.

Carlisle's nose pressed against my hair again, and he drew in a deep breath. "It may be so," he answered. "She's still grieving, like we all are."

I closed my eyes, the image of the gentle woman with the hair of caramel rising into my mind. Her smiling mouth was transformed into a crooked grin, and a flash of bronze hair blazed in my mental picture before I opened my eyes.

"You're quiet," Carlisle whispered, his breath tickling my scalp.

"Just thinking."

I knew it before he even drew a breath to speak; I knew the question playing on his tongue before the words left his lips.

"About what?"

"Edward and Esme," I answered, the honesty not troubling me for once. "And... I've kind of been wanting to apologize to you about something."

I pulled back from him to gaze at him, needing to see his face. A confused frown furrowed the marble skin between his eyebrows.

"When you told me about the mating bond a few days ago, I shouldn't have asked if it bothered you that Esme wasn't your mate," I said. "I had no right to ask that, to question your feelings for her."

A confused smile rose on Carlisle's perfect lips, and he lifted his hand to brush a lock of hair behind my ear. "You didn't question it," he argued gently. "And I took no offense when you asked about it. If something troubles your mind, you should feel free to ask," he assured. "Anything you might be wondering, you can ask."

The words of gratitude coiled on my tongue as his fingers played with my hair. Before I could voice anything out he spoke again, his golden eyes studying my expression.

"I've been meaning to discuss about this with you," he informed, confusing me momentarily. He noticed my slight frown, clarifying his words. "About the mating bond," he continued. "What are your feelings concerning the matter?"

I took a moment to try to explain my feelings to myself first; it was difficult. When he had first told me about the mating bond, my spontaneous feelings had been very entangled. I had never thought that I could be thrilled, fearful, assured and millions of other things at the same time.

But what did Carlisle want to hear me say? And what was I ready to tell him?

"It's... confusing," I began. "But it feels right somehow," I continued, my words honest even if it meant that I was left vulnerable. "Like everything's falling into place."

Carlisle let out a breath, and a small smile lighted up his face. It made me wonder if he had the same fear that I did; that the other one didn't feel the same.

"How do you feel about it?" I asked back, needing the reassurance that I only got from his words.

He pressed a quick kiss on my cheek, an appreciative look in his eyes. "Your words could have been mine," he confessed. "I've never experienced anything like this, and I'm quite thrilled to experience it together with you."

It was my turn to let out a breath, and Carlisle looked at me curiously.

"Did you expect a different answer?" he teased, his mouth curling into a smile.

I chuckled, my fingers playing with his black tie. "I guess I just worried that it bothered you somehow," I confessed, thinking about my earlier discussion with Alice during the afternoon.

"What made you think that?" Carlisle asked, a small frown on his face.

I shrugged, feeling bad for challenging him again. "It's just that you kept your discussion with Jasper a secret for so long," I muttered, lowering my gaze.

He lifted my chin with his fingers, forcing me to look at him. "You're right, I should have told you earlier," he apologized. "But believe me when I say, that I didn't keep it to myself because it bothered me. I only did it in fear of losing your friendship."

"You'll never lose it," I vowed quietly.

The venom glimmered in his golden irises when he looked at me for a long time. His fingers reached out to brush my hair again, and he drew me closer against his chest, pressing his cheek against the top of my head.

"And you will never lose mine," he promised quietly, and I realised that I believed him.

The rest of the night passed in the comfort of Carlisle's embrace. The time I had with him seemed way too short, and before I even realised I heard the others arriving quietly back to the house along with the dawn.

Carlisle glanced at his watch and wrapped his arm back around my shoulders where it had rested during the last hours. I pulled back from the warmth of his body, idly wondering the lack of stiffness in my joints that sitting in one position usually would have caused in me.

"You're going to be late from your shift," I stated despite of the fact that he knew it himself.

"I should get going," he agreed, standing up and helping me to my feet. I liked those little gestures he made, as simple as they were.

"Yeah," I agreed lazily, smoothing out the wrinkles on his shirt. "You really should go."

He threw a puzzled glance at me, a small worry in his eyes because I was suddenly so eager to get rid of him.

I shrugged at his confusion and raised my brow. "The sooner you leave, the sooner my secret lover can arrive," I stated casually.

It was a payback time because of all those little nurse-comments he had made the other night.

The look in Carlisle's eyes was suddenly very blank. Then he narrowed his eyes, and with a flare in his irises he dug his cell phone out from his pocket and started to dial a number.

"What are you doing?" I asked, continuing my casual behaviour.

"Calling the hospital," he stated, and it seemed like he had to struggle for the same casuality I had.

"Why?"

"I call to say that I'm not coming in today," he stated, and I couldn't decipher if he was serious or not.

Finally I had to laugh at his chagrined expression, unable to control myself any longer. I snatched the cell phone from his hand, rising on my toes to give him a deep kiss he would have trouble forgetting during the next hours.

"Don't do that," I murmured against his lips. "Think about all the nurses you're disappointing by not gracing them with your presence," I teased.

He smiled against my lips, but there was something in his tone I had never heard before. "Just know that I'll have Emmett dealing with every single uninformed guest that should arrive during my absence," he whispered darkly. Shivers prickled my spine, and I was suddenly very eager for him to call the hospital so I could keep him with me all day, and study more of that dark side of Carlisle that he always kept hidden.

"No problem," Emmett answered from downstairs, and I could hear how he puffed up his chest and tensed his muscles.

Carlisle pulled away after giving one last kiss on my lips, looking expectantly at the cell phone in my hand. My fingers fiddled with it, my eyes sweeping the number on the screen.

"Second thoughts?" Carlisle queried innocently, quirking his brow.

Definitely.

I decided to choose the selfless act, thinking that patients probably needed Carlisle at the moment more than I did, and I erased the number from the screen and reluctantly passed the phone back to Carlisle.

"Come back soon," I pleaded quietly before he turned and disappered for the whole day.

He stepped closer to me, kissing both of my cheeks before dropping a breathtaking kiss on my lips. Would I ever get used to him kissing me like that?

"I will," he promised. "And I better not find anyone from here when I get back," he threatened gently.

His eyes blazed when he pulled back, turning around and making his way out of the room.

The fire in his eyes set my heart alight, the flames consuming and conquering the frozen core until I could swear that I could feel it beating in unison with Carlisle's receding breaths.

And I started counting the seconds until I could see him again.

* * *

**AN:  
**It seems that Bella's tangled emotions are getting solved little by little. They both have still a long road to walk, but they have reached a very good beginning :)

I haven't started writing my next chapter yet, but I mostly have it inside my head already. I'll post it as soon as it's ready - it might take a week, or then it could take three. I can't be sure. Sometimes the story just flows onto the paper - or computer - with no difficulty, and I really hope that's the case this time.

Meanwhile, let me know what you think so far :)


	38. Chapter 38: Sundown

**Stephenie Meyer owns Twilight :)**

* * *

**_If I could change the currents of our lives_**  
**_To make the river flow where it's run dry_**  
**_To be a prodigal of father time_**  
**_Then I would see you tonight_**

**_If I could find the years that went away_**  
**_Destroying all the cruelty of fate_**  
**_I must believe that love could find a way_**  
**_Tonight_**

**_Lonely finds me_**  
**_One day you will come_**  
**_But I'll wait for love's sake_**  
**_One day to me, love_**

- One day, _Trading Yesterday_ -

* * *

**Sundown**

CPOV

The automatic doors of the hospital swished open, and I was greeted with a breath of moist air. There was something special about the way the nature informed about the spring's arrival, as if soothe and reassure the creatures of the earth that the winter was receding. The air was filled with the aroma of wet ground, the wind bringing traces of the melting snow from the mountains.

A sweet musk combined with irises and white roses filled my notrils suddenly, and I turned my gaze towards the silent visitor leaning against my car. I made the rest of the way towards the hospital parking lot, greeting the woman with the hair of honey and sunshine.

"Rosalie," I nodded and smiled, pleasantly surprised to see her waiting for me after a long day.

She brushed her fingers against the hood of the black car, her eyes avoiding mine momentarily, but eventually she smiled cautiously and directed her golden gaze at me.

"Could bum a ride?" she asked.

"Of course," I answered, unlocking the car and opening the door for her. "You don't even need to ask."

Rosalie slid inside the car, and I was silently wondering the reason behind her sudden appearance.

After getting inside myself and steering the car towards the mountains, we traveled in silence for a while. I was glad to spend some time together with her, because we rarely had the chance to talk. And my guess was that Rosalie had come to meet me at the hospital because she had something in her mind that she felt the need to say.

"Carlisle," she began after a few minutes of comfortable silence.

I prepared myself for whatever she had to say, turning my gaze momentarily towards her.

"I feel bad about the way I acted the other day," she confessed, without a doubt referring to our family meeting two days ago.

"Your behaviour wasn't inappropriate in any way," I assured, still feeling small relief that our news with Bella had been received so well. "Why do you feel bad about it?"

Rosalie fiddled with the bracelet around her wrist, focusing her gaze on it before turning to me again.

"I didn't mean to be so curt about everything," she said, a silent grief shimmering in her irises. "Esme and Edward have been in my mind."

I nodded. "I understand that. But when I said that they will never be forgotten, I meant it, Rose," I assured. "I wouldn't be the person I am if I hadn't had the honor to have them in my life. Even when the time we spend together seems so short now."

"I know that." Rosalie's voice was very quiet, her tone carrying the tears she couldn't shed. "I wouldn't be me without them, either. It makes me regret all the disagreements I had with Edward. There were times when we didn't get along very well, but he was still my brother in every way. And I never told him how much I really cared about him."

"We all have regrets," I soothed. "We can't journey through life without ever experiencing ones. There will always be matters we wish we hadn't left unsaid, and things we wish we had done or hadn't done."

Rosalie nodded mutely, her delicate fingers brushing the bracelet again.

"All we can do is to take the life as it is," I stated, trying to offer the guidance she needed. "And we have to look forward and strive to be better people, even if it isn't always easy. If we don't, we are only staying still, never finding peace."

"I know that," Rosalie answered again, taking a deep breath. "And that is what I'm going to do Carlisle," she promised. "And I wanted you to know that I really am happy that you have found happiness in Bella."

I swallowed, moved by her words. "Thank you, Rosalie." I turned to look at her golden eyes, finding her expression serious but not resentful. "It means a lot to hear this from you."

"I know I've been difficult at times," she apologized. "And I'm sorry about all that."

I shook my head, raising my hand from the gear shift and giving her shoulder a pat. "Don't apologize. Just look forward."

"Forward," she agreed guietly, her smile a bit timid but a smile nonetheless.

It was silent again for a few minutes until Rosalie's words broke the silence, and caused a sensation of surprise in me.

"She makes you very happy," she stated.

My mind conjured up an image of the eyes of chocolate brown, the color transforming into a rusty shade of dark orange. The vivid heartbeat in my memories transformed into a thundering throb of a changing heart, a flash of a marble skin covered by tresses of dark brown hair that flowed down on the slender shoulders...

"Yes," I stated simply, the short word acknowledging everything and still nothing at all. No amount of words would be enough. "When I'm not with her, I'm not who I am."

Rosalie nodded. She opened her mouth to say something, hesitating before closing it again.

"What?" I asked, noticing her hesitation.

Her eyebrows furrowed when she bit her lip momentarily. "Bella is sad sometimes," she stated cautiously.

I fixed my eyes at the road again, turning the wheel and steering the car from the highway towards home. "She is," I agreed, wishing from the bottom of my heart that someday I could make her whole again.

I slowed down the speed, needing a few extra minutes before we would be within the hearing range of the others. A part of me felt intrusive when I started to speak, but the voice was quieted by concern.

"Does she speak to you about the things that trouble her?" I asked, searching Rosalie's face. Her expression was ruminative, her gaze sweeping the scenery in front of the car before reaching my eyes.

"Not that much. I don't think she trusts me enough to tell about those things," she pondered. "We did talk about her parents, once or twice," she revealed.

"Really?" I asked, a sting of something that could count as jealousy prickling in my heart. I banished the emotion immediately - the most important thing was that Bella was able to talk to someone, even if it wasn't myself.

Rosalie chuckled suddenly, the sound partly amused but still joyless. "Bella is very complicated, you know," she stated. "There are times when I'm able to understand her quite well, and I know how she feels. But then something changes - she's like a sealed book, and no one could be able to read her."

I knew the feeling too well; the wish - _the need_ - to understand, but being unable to do so.

But I knew that Bella held the reins in those matters. And the best way of helping her was to be patient, and not push her.

As we neared the house and I took the car into the garage, a whispered but heated conversation wafted from inside the house. I couldn't tell what the words were, but the participants of the quiet argument were easy to recognize.

I exchanged a look with Rosalie, and we stepped out of the car and made our way inside the house. The quiet conversation ceased.

Emmett and Jasper were nowhere in sight or to be sensed otherwise, and my guess was that they were either somewhere outside or then they had gone into the city.

Rosalie disappeared upstairs and I followed her, making my way to the fourth floor and changing my clothes quickly. I focused on the sounds of two vampires breathing in the room down the hall, idly wondering what was the cause of the argument between Bella and Alice this time.

"You're sure?" I heard Bella whispering as I walked past her closed door, making my way into my study to start on my paperwork.

"Yes," Alice assured quietly. "He'll love it," she said, a giggle escaping from her lips.

"Shh!"

Their conversation made me frown, and I wondered what they had in mind.

After a while Alice informed that she was going to go and find Jasper, and her dancing steps took her through the hallway towards downstairs.

I filled the forms quickly, and I was just signing the few of the last papers when the almost soundless footsteps sounded from the next room, making their way to the hallway and stopping in front of the door of my study.

"Come in," I invited with a smile, knowing that one of the things I had been looking forward for the whole day was about to happen. I pressed the tip of the pen back against the paper, quickly signing the form to finish the task and to be able to spend time with the person whose presence I craved more than anything in this universe.

The door of my study opened, and I raised my head with a smile. "How has your day - "

My sentence was left unfinished when I registered the woman stepping inside the room. I was vaguely aware of my jaw that was slightly dropped open as I gaped at the creature on the doorway.

What a sight she was.

Bella made her way across the room with painfully slow steps, and the only thought that could fit into my mind was that she was wearing something different today.

A skirt.

My eyes trailed from her ankles upwards to the slender calves that were covered in almost translucent black tights. Above the knees a dark garment covered her thighs and hips, and the way that piece of fabric hugged her form made my mouth go dry.

I found myself surprisingly resentful of the burgundy sweater, my mind recalling those few moments two nights ago when Bella had stood in front of me, wrapped only in a towel, and I had been painfully obvious of the lack of clothing beneath the fabric. The look in her eyes had been shy and somehow bashful when she had stood in front of me, her pale fingers wrapping the towel around her slender form to hide the secrets she always kept hidden under the layers of cotton and synthetic fiber.

The look in her eyes wasn't shy now - there was a teasing innocence in her eyes of dark amber as she neared my desk, rounding the wooden furniture slowly and lowering herself on the edge of the desk next to a stack of papers.

Swallowing was suddenly difficult.

The words gliding from her lips were spoken with that same utter innocence.

"Do finish your sentence," she urged, one of her eyebrows rising a bit. She folded her arms across her chest and gazed at me with a way that seemed almost reproaching.

I took a breath, wondering where my ability to form words had disappeared.

"I meant to ask that how your day has been so far," I uttered slowly, my eyes stealing another glance of her legs almost involuntarily.

Bella shrugged, throwing a glance towards the window. "Okay," she answered. "I tried to decide which one of your books to steal next."

I chuckled, signing the rest of the papers quickly and putting them away. "Whichever you like," I offered, getting up from my chair and stepping closer to her, closing the short distance between us. "The books won't run out from the world. You have an entire eternity to read all of them," I promised, studying the expectant glimmer in her irises.

The expectation wasn't one-sided - I had been waiting for the whole day to have her in my arms again, and to brush my lips against hers.

And I decided to end the long wait.

My hands trailed on her narrow waist as her lips met mine, and I was home then. Her hands brushing against my chest, traveling upwards to clasp the collar around my neck felt like home, the scent of her skin and the way her lips tasted - everything about her chanted the word home.

Because she was my home. Wherever she went, I would follow, and that place would be home.

I pulled back from her lips to slow down the sensations her touch always caused in me, pressing my forehead against hers. And I just breathed her in, knowing that she was the sweetest breath of air I had ever drawn into my lungs, her presence a necessity I could no longer survive without.

"Screw the books," she whispered, her words tickling my skin. "I rather do this than read."

I couldn't agree more.

I chuckled at her words, sliding my hands to grasp her wrists gently and pulling her down from the edge of the table. I steered her towards the black couch resting under the window, pulling her down on it with me.

Bella glanced outside before bending her legs and leaning against my side, drawing a deep breath against my shirt. I draped my arm over her shoulder, enjoying the way she seeked my proximity.

"I changed my clothes so you wouldn't be too umcomfortable," I informed even when she knew it.

She had a peculiar expression her face as she drew in more of the scent of my clean shirt. "That was sweet of you," she answered quietly. After a moment she raised her head, turning towards the window again as if to look for something. It was the third time she did that during the last few minutes, making me wonder what she was searching for.

"Expecting someone?" I asked teasingly, not being able to forget her comments about the secret lover sneaking in everytime I left for the hospital everyday.

Bella nudged my ribs gently with her fingers. "No," she declared. "Alice said that the sun will shine today before it sets."

Her enthusiasm over seeing the sun made me a bit sorrowful when I realised that she could never live in a place that had a lot of sunlight. I had gotten used to it myself, but I hadn't thought about how different it would be for the girl who had spent most of her life in the heat of Arizona.

"Do you miss the sun?" I asked.

The familiar masked look came over her dark amber eyes when she stared out of the window. "Sometimes," she answered with a shrug.

I was going through a list of sunny places in my mind where I could take her someday, once she had the thirst under control. Somewhere far and warm, to a place that would be isolated enough so we could walk in the sunlight uncovered.

We would be alone, just the two of us, and we would be happy.

Bella twisted her upper body on the couch, resting her forearms against the back of the couch and leaning her chin against them. Her serious eyes studied the scenery outside the window, and she was completely unaware how fervently I wanted to bring the sun to her so that she could bathe in its warmth.

"What else do you miss?" I asked on a whim, not believing that she would give me an answer, but still hoping for one.

She was still and quiet for a while, the mountains and the grey sky reflecting from her unblinking irises.

And just when I was about to give up hope on hearing her answer, at the same time fearing that I had crossed some invisible line, she suddenly spoke, her voice subdued and somehow very frail.

"A lot of things," she whispered almost soundlessly.

I turned on the couch towards her, resting my other arm on the back of the furniture. The silence lasted for a while, making me believe that those were the only words she was willing to offer to me.

Bella's dusky amber eyes took a darker hue before disappearing behind the eyelids.

"You don't have to talk about it if you don't want to," I reassured her, brushing aside the dark hair from her neck and kneading the revealed marble skin with my fingers gently. "But when you do, I want you to know that I'm here to listen. You do know that, don't you?"

She nodded quickly with her eyes closed, seeming to take comfort from my soft touches.

It took a few moments more before the setting sun peeked behind the thick veil of clouds, making Bella open her eyes and gaze at the golden giant that lighted up the grey scenery.

Her eyes held both admiration and silent longing when she gazed at the sun, and suddenly she lifted her body on the couch, opening the window carefully and looking outside without the glass blurring the scenery.

The rays of sun bathed her skin, making it glow and sparkle, and Bella closed her eyes again, without a doubt enjoying the small warmth the sun was able to provide.

"Have I ever told you how beautiful you are?"

The words slipped from my tongue without a thought, and I couldn't have stopped them even if I had wanted to. The compliment was almost involuntary - _instinctive_ - , and the need to say those words was so burning that I believe staying silent would have been physically agonizing.

My question hadn't been a rhetorical one, and my eyes never left Bella as I waited for her answer. She was very still for a while, continually hiding those dark amber eyes behind her eyelids as if to tease me with her silence, enshrouding the emotions and thoughts that swirled in her mind.

The need to know her thoughts was even more burning than expressing the compliment.

Finally a small smile made the other side of her lips quirk, and she granted me an answer which made me feel utterly foolish.

"I believe you haven't," she said with a silent laughter in her tone.

Foolish, indeed. All these months I had spent in her company, and I had never taken a moment to pronounce that unmistakable truth.

"What a fool I have been for not saying that before," I apologized, my fingers continuing to brush against the skin of her neck. "It's a sacrilege."

She wore that same secret smile, her lips pressing together in a sheepish way, and once again I expected a blush to redden her cheeks.

She opened her eyes after a while, the rays of the setting sun igniting the jewels in her irises alight. "Flatterer," she muttered with a teasing tone, leaning her cheek against her hand.

I chuckled, leaning closer to press a kiss near her ear. "I have no need to flatter in your company," I whispered in her ear. "The truths I observe around me will do fine." I dropped another light kiss on the side of her neck, enjoying the way she squirmed when her sensitive skin reacted to my touch.

We watched together as the sun disappeared behind the mountains, and I couldn't help but notice that the light in Bella's eyes dimmened with the daylight.

"It'll come back," I whispered, not knowing how to offer comfort. It was incredible how such a simple thing as seeing the sun made her so content, and it was one of those things that I couldn't offer to her. It saddened me.

"I know," she answered quietly, reaching out to pull the window closed. I watched the way her eyebrows knitted together when she focused on not breaking the latch, the control over the strength she possessed still not completely mastered.

Her quiet sigh echoed from the walls when she leaned against the couch. Her fingers danced across the surface of the upholstery, reaching out to fiddle with the sleeve of my grey shirt.

"Did Emmett and Jasper come with you?" she asked, focusing to listen the silence of the house. Only Rosalie's quiet breathing could be heard from the second floor.

"No, only Rose," I answered. "Did they go to the city?"

A small smile adorned Bella's face then. "Yeah," she chuckled. "Jasper decided to drag Emmett into a bookstore of some sort. I can't imagine his agony."

"Neither can I."

Bella's long hair cascaded down her shoulders when she shifted, straightening her form on the couch. Her fingers left my the cuff of my sweater for a while, only to return when she had found a better position. The delicate digits ghosted above the spot were my pulse point should have resided.

"Jasper reads a lot," she mused after a moment of silence. "Almost as much as you."

"He's very scholar," I admitted. "He's mostly interested in history and philosophy, and doesn't bother to borrow any of my poetry books."

"Which is good," Bella quipped with a smile. "It gives me the chance to hog them all."

I chuckled, pleased to see the playful glimmer in her eyes. I leaned closer to steal a quick kiss, murmuring words against her soft lips. "Indeed," I agreed quietly. "And I hope it's not the only thing you're planning to take."

Her joyful laughter was drowned under another kiss.

* * *

"I'll give you ten bucks if you eat it."

I lifted my gaze from the medical journal I was reading, glancing at Emmett's teasing expression. He held out a dry cracker in his fingers, holding it out to Bella.

"Nope," Bella answered, turning the page of Bram Stoker's _Dracula._ The book had caused a great amount of amusement in her, and she snorted softly every once in a while as she came across something funny.

"Fifteen," Emmett offered, leaning over the living room's coffee table and waving the cracker in front of Bella's nose. He had found a box of them from the kitchen's cupboards, some of the food that was stored for Bella before Christmas being forgotten in there.

"Eat it yourself," Bella quipped, some of her annoyance shining through in her tone.

"I don't have to," Emmett laughed. "But_ you're_ gonna have to learn to eat human food someday without gagging. Once we move somewhere else and start the high school again, you're going to have to at least pretend to eat. Otherwise humans will notice that you're weird."

"_You're_ weird," Bella muttered under her breath. A small flicker of doubt glimmered in her eyes when she lifted her gaze from the book, looking up at me. "We're not going to move yet?" she asked. "We'll stay here at least for a while. Right?"

"Of course," I reassured, tightening my arm around her shoulder. Those affectionate gestures came very easily now, and once again I felt relief for not needing to refrain from those touches, now when the others were aware of us. "We can still stay a long time in here."

Emmett leaned back against the couch opposite of us, raising his hands behind the back of his head. "That's good," he agreed. "We've just managed to settle."

I realised that it had been a long time since we had all lived together in the same house. During the past years everyone had scattered on their own ways, and we hadn't been as united as we had used to be.

But that had changed now, and my heart was singing with joy - my family was together, and I knew that even those who weren't here were also present somehow, even if we couldn't see or hear them. It brought me comfort.

Emmett leaned forward towards Bella, taking the abandoned cracker from the table and holding it out to her again.

"Twenty bucks?" he teased.

"Go away."

"Oh come on," Emmett laughed. "It's not that bad," he persuaded. "Carlisle has to do it at the hospital sometimes when he can't worm his way out of going for the coffee breaks."

Bella glanced at me with a quirk of her brow.

"It's true," I admitted. "But I'm quite talented with words if I have to decline about something. I have to be, if I don't wish to spent the following evening heaving and vomiting the human food I can't digest."

"Then I'm glad that you're good at speaking your way out of those situations," she chuckled, continuing the reading but being interrupted again when Emmett threw a small piece of cracker at her.

Bella snarled, closing the book and reaching out for the cracker from Emmett. "Alright!" she growled. "Give me that. But then you'll leave me alone."

"Deal," Emmett smirked, without a doubt wanting to see the expression on Bella's face when she tasted the human food for the first time as a vampire.

Jasper appeared at the living room door, peeking behind a pile of heavy books he carried. His butterscotch eyes were curious as he watched Bella's reaction.

Bella's razor-sharp teeth nibbled a small piece of the cracker, and her expression was pondering for a while as she studied the taste and texture of the cereal product. Then her eyebrows knitted together and she wrinkled her nose.

Emmett laughed loudly when she bolted up from the couch, the book falling on the cushions as she raced to the hallway. The smell of the human food was quite bearable sometimes, but that couldn't be said from the taste.

I found her from a bathroom along the hallway, rinsing her mouth with water. I leaned against the door frame, trying to hide my own amusement.

"I can't believe I let him talk me into that," she grumbled, her chiming voice echoing from the tiles. "You have to do this often?" she asked and straightened, wiping the water away from her chin.

"Not that often," I answered, reaching out to brush a drop of water from her cheekbone.

"Thank goodness," she chuckled.

I pulled her into my embrace, relishing her willingness to step into my arms. I drew in the scent of her marble skin, the different hues of soft musk mixed with lavender and strawberries befuddling my senses. No perfume could compare to her unique scent.

"Do you wish to carry on with your reading?" I queried, pulling back to gaze into her eyes. "Or would you rather take a late night walk with me?"

Bella huffed, the row of her white teeth showing when she smiled. "You don't even have to ask," she declared, starting to pull me to the hallway. "Late night walk, please."

"You would choose a tiresome walk with an old man like me, instead of immersing yourself in some quality literature?" I asked, pretending confusion as we walked through the front door into the night.

"I like the tiresome walks with my old man," she admitted shyly, making me feeling utterly complacent about the possessive expression she had used.

"And," she added. "I don't think Emmett's done with his food experimenting just yet. I don't want to take my chances and have him feeding me something that could be difficult to hurl," she explained.

I chuckled at her words. "Understandable," I agreed, and Bella threw a glare at the house when she heard Emmett rummaging through the kitchen cupboards again.

The night was lovely, and the air was fresh with the smells of the upcoming spring. Those things rivaled with the beauty of the woman in my embrace, and I had no question in my mind which one would prevail.

And we continued our shared, tiresome walk together that we both so enjoyed.

* * *

"Dr. Cullen."

The smell of blood was heavy in my notrils, the chaos inside the sterile walls erupting and creating a havoc that resembled a nightmare in my foreverlasting wakefulness.

Heartbeats, rapid breathing, opening and closing of doors - the sounds were loud in my ears, but not as loud as the silence of the heart beneath my palms.

How could the silence shout into my ears so loudly was beyond my comprehension - but it did, raging with a voice that made me crave for a short moment of deafness.

And the blood... it covered my vision, it covered my hands, the redness that once was a symbol of life and existence staining everything. It covered the the blue sheets, the pale skin, the locks of hair that were once the color of sand...

It covered my own unbeating heart, and it hurt.

Dear God, it hurt.

"Dr. Cullen, stop."

"Continue the ventilation."

"Dr. Cullen - "

"Continue, Ellen."

Dr. Wiley's grey eyes stared at me from the other side of the gurney, the emotion in her eyes everything and nothing I needed at the moment.

"Charge 200," I ordered again, the short sentence becoming like a mantra. And I continued repeating that mantra, because if I choose to stop, if I choose not to say those words it meant that I had failed, that I had given up...

Another litany of brisk words and orders combined with the sounds of electrics, the silent heart tensing and loosening once more, the smell of blood trailing into my nostrils again...

"Still no sinus rhythm," someone said.

"Dr. Cullen."

I couldn't give up...

"Carlisle."

And I drowned.

My lips were cold and numb when my eyes searched the watch around my wrist. "Time of death 3:47 AM."

A severe spinal cord injury.

Internal and external bleeding leading to a hypovolemic shock.

Combined with several skull fractures, causing pressure in the intracranial space.

An epidural hematoma.

Those technical terms brought no comfort or solidity as the unseeing eyes of hazel brown stared through me. And I drowned again, as if I wasn't already deep enough.

Maybe I wasn't.

_Our Father who art in heaven..._

My hand reached out to touch the skin that was still warm, my fingers closing the pale eyelids and hiding the sightless irises.

Because I couldn't take it; there was no peace in those eyes. No peace even in death.

_Hallowed by thy name..._

"Death kit," someone asked quietly.

And I turned and left the chaos of the emergency room behind me, tearing the stained nitrile gloves from my hands with a fervency that made the material rip.

_Thy kingdom come._

_Thy will be done..._

I looked down at my uncovered hands, realising that they were still stained. Those hands had held the ability to help that young boy, and they had failed. I had failed.

_On earth as it is in heaven..._

The water was warm against my palms, bringing the false feel of comfort. But it didn't wash away the tarnish, it didn't cleanse the pale marble skin that only reminded me of how far I was from being a human.

_Give us this day our daily bread_

_and forgive us our debts..._

"Is he alright?"

A hushed whisper sounded from the door behind me, echoing from the walls and gliding into my ears. Because I wasn't deaf to this world, not now when so I wanted to be.

_... as we also have forgiven our debtors..._

"A long night," Dr. Wiley answered to the young nurse. She sounded as tired as I felt.

_And lead us not into temptation_

_but deliver us from evil._

The journey home was long and accompanied with the clinging scent of musk and bergamot, and one small part of my mind realised that there were smears of blood on my shirt. There had been no time to change into scrubs before the turmoil in the emergency room had started to unravel.

Time was a concept I gladly lived without now. As the fair-coloured house appeared behind the trees, all I wanted to do was to go inside, have _her_ in my arms and keep her there until the world stopped existing.

But the house was as dark and silent as the sleeping world around it. It was vacant from life, and there were no sounds of breathing, no quiet whispers I so needed to hear.

And _she_ - the sad girl with the eyes of dark amber wasn't there.

The blue sheets were coarse under my body as I sat down, the material roughened by the lack of her presence. The room needed _her_ to be tender and soft as it had used to be. Her absence was palpable in everything I beheld and envisioned, in everything I touched with my tainted skin. The air around me wasn't air, and it tore my lungs - and everything, _everything_, screamed the absence of her again.

She wasn't here.

Maybe she would arrive together with the dawn - it would be so like her to do that, to appear at the same time as the day breaks, and I found myself both hoping and dreading for the possibility. Hoping, because what a sight she would be, arriving with the sun she so missed.

But the dawn was still hours away, and as much as I craved for the absence of time, I knew that I would lose my sanity if I had to wait for her so long.

But I waited, and hoped, and dreaded, and I yearned, and those were the only things I could do to prevent myself from drowning.

Eventually I just yearned - _needed_. More than a living creature needs oxygen, more than an addict needs the next dose. All that was left was the pure, bare need, and nothing else existed. The way I didn't exist without her.

The warmth had left my hands as I leaned my head against my palms, and I couldn't summon the strength to lift my gaze, not even when I heard the almost soundless steps coming from the dark woods. But a small delight, combined with relief stirred inside me, and I realised that I didn't have to wait until the dawn.

And suddenly time started to matter again - the length of her steps, the few short moments she took to prevent herself from damaging the door, the few deep breaths that lasted a second or two too long...

And then she was there, and I didn't need to see or hear or sense her otherwise to know that she was there.

"Hey," she whispered, the bed dipping slightly next to me as she sat down.

And suddenly everything was soft again.

Her fingers studied the outlines of my face that I was still hiding behind my palms, and her touch traveled to the nape of my neck, brushing, touching, feeling, softening as it went.

"Alice said you had a bad day," she whispered. "And night."

My fingers rubbed my forehead and weary eyes, and I tried to summon words, or even a curt smile. But I had nothing to give her, and the silence continued. But it was a different silence now when she was here; there was comfort in it. Solace.

"Are you okay?" she asked, her fingers kneading the back of my neck again, traveling downwards to stroke the planes of my back.

I had to remind myself that she had asked a question - focusing and submerging myself in her touches was easy, so easy that everything else tended to be forgotten. Summoning the words was difficult again, and the thought about not answering tempted me horribly.

But she deserved an answer. She deserved everything I was able to give her, and more. So much more.

"Tired."

The short word described my spirit quite well - the mental strain during the last twenty-seven hours had worn me down more than I had thought possible.

The weight disappeared from the bed suddenly, and I almost removed my hands to see where she had gone. But movement down on the floor, and gentle touches against my feet made me focus and listen again, and I reluctantly shifted to see what she was doing.

Her delicate hands were prying the shoes off my feet and I moved slightly, allowing her to remove them completely. The small gesture she had made felt oddly intimate.

Her hands were tugging at my arm next, and it took me a short moment to apprehend that she wanted me to lie down on the bed.

I complied silently, knowing that I could deny nothing from her.

The bed under my body was nearly as soft as her skin against mine. Her fingers continued that private ritual, the silky digits studying the outlines of my jaw before brushing the shape of my eyebrow and traveling downwards my neck. I turned my head involuntarily to give her a better access.

"That feels amazing," I whispered, the words slipping through my lips without any conscious decision. My voice was slightly raw, the complete opposide of the softness in her touch.

Her fingers continued playing on my sensitive skin, and I rather felt more than heard or saw her lying down next to me. Her touch never left mine, the small connection between the tips of her fingers and the surface of my marble skin never breaking. And I knew the lack of her touch would have left me empty, and I wondered if had cased the same emptiness in her, too.

When had I closed my eyes?

I felt a light pressure on my right shoulder as her head pressed against it. I shifted my arm, enfolding her small frame against my side where she so doubtlessly belonged.

"Do you wanna talk about it?" she asked quietly.

I truly had no wish to, even when it was so difficult not to give her answers. For a short fleeting moment I had a glimpse of what she was going through everytime I challenged her to tell me about those unpleasant thoughts that burneded her mind.

I opened my eyes to gaze at the ceiling of the dim room and tightened my arm around her. Her light touches ceased, her hand sweeping across my neck to rest on my chest.

"A long day," I whispered. "Too many innocent people... too many lives thrown away, wasted. And I was incapable."

Her weight shifted, and soon her face appeared above mine, covering the ceiling and dissolving my scattered focus.

"I know this is a huge cliche, and probably brings no comfort to you but I'm going to say it anyway. I'm sure you did everything you could to help those people." Her voice was earnest but gentle, her eyes of dark caramel flaming in the dim lighting.

I stroked her elbows as she leaned her weight against my chest, her fingers playing with the knot of my tie.

"I should have gotten used to it by now," I confessed. "Considering how perishable a human life can be. I witness it everyday, but I cannot seem to adjust to it."

Bella's fingers held the tip of my tie and she ran the fabric over my lips, the movement almost unintentional as if she was deep in thought while doing that.

"It's just so you," she answered. "I would expect nothing less from you. The way you care about the people around you... your whole essence is tied to that endless compassion. And you wouldn't be _you_ if you felt otherwise."

Her words made the venom sting in my eyes and I swallowed thickly, her words moving me so deeply that it took a moment to summon an answer.

"Thank you, sweetheart," I whispered. "You words are kind."

"They were honest words," she answered, her fingers dropping the tie and moving to graze lightly the skin of my cheek. She drew in a cautious breath, the darkness in her pupils spreading visibly.

It puzzled me for a second or two before I breathed in myself. Her scent that hovered around me was mixed with something else - the sharp smell of musk and bergamot filled my notrils.

How could I have forgotten my blood-smeared shirt was beyond me, and I reproached myself quietly while pushing Bella's light frame off my chest.

The look in her eyes was a mix of hurt and confusion, triggered by my abrupt movement.

"I'm so sorry," I apologized, taking her hand quickly and kissing it so she would know that it wasn't her proximity that had driven me away. I got up from the bed quickly, loosening the tie and unbuttoning my shirt swiftly.

"I should have changed my shirt right away," I apologized again, the confusion in her eyes transforming into understanding. The dark hues in her eyes didn't disappear, and her posture was slightly rigid. "It was very inconsiderate of me."

"Don't worry about it," she brushed it off. "I think I'm getting used to it little by little." She breathed in again and closed her eyes, a slight grimace managing to escape her well-rehearsed facade.

I shrugged the shirt off, feeling slightly unsure to stand in front of her with my upper body completely bare. I searched the closet Alice had arranged yesterday, attempting to find a proper piece of clothing to wear.

"The grey one," a sudden voice suddenly stated behind me, and I glanced at Bella. She had opened her eyes, and there was the same smile in her irises that could be heard in her voice.

"This one?" I asked, pulling the dark grey sweater from the closet with a smile of my own.

She nodded, her eyes stealing a glance of my shoulders before she turned her gaze away sheepishly. I had a feeling that the innocence in her eyes wasn't quite reasoned.

"You know," Bella chuckled as I pulled the sweater on. "Somewhere there Alice is hanging herself with her scarf, knowing that I'm choosing clothes for you. She doesn't seem to trust me in those things."

I chuckled, making my way back to her and sitting on the bed. "I can't imagine why."

"Neither can I," she stated, her tone slightly mocking.

"Where is everyone, by the way?" I queried. "And where were you? Have you created a habit of sneaking out everytime I leave for work?"

Bella shrugged. "Well I kind of have to. With Emmett guarding the door twenty-four-seven because you ordered him to, it's challenging for my boyfriend to come here," she stated innocently, the formality in her tone causing the possessive flare ignite inside me.

"Boyfriend, huh?" I asked casually. "It seems that you're making progress with him, since he was only a lover the last time we discussed about this."

Bella's chiming laughter filled the room, and how I wished I could capture the delight that sound carried, and put it inside a bottle so I could observe it everytime I wished.

"Alice and Rosalie left somewhere farther away to explore the mountains," she said, stopping the teasing and answering my earlier question. "Who would think that Alice could focus enough to appreciate the sceneries? But anyway... Emmett and Jasper left somewhere in the mountains, too, after they had first escorted me back to the house."

I turned towards her on the bed, reaching out to brush her jaw with my finger. "It must be frustrating for you to be guarded all the time," I stated, studying the momentary flicker of longing in Bella's eyes before it changed into acceptance.

"The babysitting doesn't really bother me," she reassured. "Not when it means that someone's life can be spared."

I nodded, saddened again because of the changes and losses this eternal life would bring to her. The isolation that had already lasted for weeks must be very straining for her, even if she refused to admit it. Not to mention how different her everyday life would be once crossing that bridge.

Once she got used to the smell of humans to the extent that she could start studying with the others, she would have to be prepared for thousands of distractions the world presented. There would be hundreds of heartbeats and different scents in the air, not to mention there was always a chance of someone getting hurt by tripping over and starting to bleed for instance. And she would have to be prepared for those incidents and keep herself under control. It was still difficult for Jasper at times, although he had made a remarkable effort to improve his control.

How confusing it would be for Bella during the first few times she did something as simple as walked on the street - there would be dozens of matters she had to focus on at the same second, and it wouldn't be easy. The changes this life brought to her made me sorrowful again because of the struggles she would have to go through.

But she wouldn't be alone - I would walk by her side every step of the way.

"Why are you so sullen all of a sudden?" Bella asked quietly, making me lift my gaze from the blue bedspread into her eyes of dark caramel.

"I was only thinking about the changes and difficulties this life has brought to you, and the things you have to live without now." I stopped for a short break, studying her expression. "And it makes me sad that you are missing out certain things. Because of what we are."

"What I'm I missing out on?" she asked with a puzzled frown.

I remembered our conversation during the sunset two days ago, thinking about the longing in her eyes when she had gazed upon the light the sun had casted before disappearing behind the mountains.

"We cannot live in a place that has a lot of sunlight, for example," I mused, lifting my legs on top of the bedspread and turning better towards her sitting form on the bed. "And I know that you will miss it."

Once again I was making a list of the safe, sunny places in my head where I could take her to, wondering if I should voice my plans to her.

Bella shrugged, her eyes drifting towards the dark forest behind the glass wall. "It's not only the sun I miss," she whispered suddenly. "It's the things it reminds me of."

Her open words surprised me and I fell silent, my mind suddenly blank and rushing at the same time.

"It's complicated," Bella muttered, giving up and shrugging again. She lowered her gaze, and the look in her eyes was so empty that it made the stone heart in my chest break.

"Your mother?" I asked gently, studying her hollow expression.

She was silent again for a while, studying the blue bedspread like it was the most fascinating thing she had ever seen.

"I just want to forget sometimes," she whispered brokenly. "Everything I see reminds me of something I want to forget."

I watched the broken girl sitting on the bed, the rapid blinking of her eyes, the way her fingers picked the fabric underneath her... The hollow craving of oblivion in the pools of dark amber, the need to be a little less shattered and a little more whole, and I asked myself;

How could I mend her? How to offer a piece of that calmness she so yearned for, that we both so yearned for?

But no answers would come to me, not now when I needed to offer her one.

I could only offer her myself, and so I reached out with my arm in the hope of bringing her comfort with my touch.

There was coldness in the skin of her arm where I touched her, and all I wanted to do was to make her warm again. Like she had warmed me earlier, by only being present. I crawled across the bed, enfolding her into my embrace, hoping that I would be enough to keep her whole, and at the same time fearing that I wouldn't be enough.

But in that moment when she rested in my arms, I knew; she belonged there, in my arms as I belonged to hers. Without her I was like a window without the curtains, a candle without the flame, an ocean without the shores...

In that moment, we were complete; even when the sad girl in my arms mourned for the missing pieces of her life, mourned for the sunshine she could and couldn't live without. Striving to forget, and at the same time striving to remember.

And together, we mourned for the sky without the sun.

* * *

**AN: Thanks again for your wonderful reviews, keep them coming :)**

**I'm sorry that I bullied you with the possibility of this chapter taking three weeks to write. I managed to finish it in time easily though, and it practically wrote itself. And I'm very happy to say that Chapter 39 is well under way and let me just say one thing: I - like - it *giggle***

**The prayer Carlisle recites in his mind is _Lord's Prayer_, and can be found from the Bible.**


	39. Chapter 39: Fervid

**Stephenie Meyer owns Twilight :)**

* * *

_**If you'll be my star**_

_**I'll be your sky**_

_**You can hide underneath me and come out at night**_

_**When I turn jet black**_

_**And you show off your light**_

_**I live to let you shine**_

_**I live to let you shine**_

- Boats and birds, Gregory and the Hawk -

* * *

**Fervid**

"... And then he was like - I didn't do it! I didn't steal your football shirt and put it on the snowman!"

Emmett's words were accompanied with his thundering laughter. It echoed from the trees, causing a flock of ravens take off a few miles away. I snorted softly at his story, trying to pretend I had listened.

"Come on, it's funny," he cackled again, nudging my shoulder playfully.

"Hilarious," I muttered, snapping a thin twig between my thumb and forefinger, creating a satisfying crunch. After that my focus was directed at the other sounds of the forest, and I noticed that as the spring neared, the nature seemed to wake up little by little. And I sort of experienced the receding winter together with the nature, my heightened senses picking up sounds and smells that my poor human senses had never been able to pick.

It was like I had been blind before. Blind and deaf and benumbed. And now, it was like I actually lived through the spring for the first in my life time properly.

In many ways I did.

But higher up in the mountains the white snow still covered the ground, and if you wanted to pretend that the winter wasn't over, it would be easy just to look up there. I could almost smell the moist scent of snow.

I started to search for the others with my senses. The wind brought aromas of lemon and rum into my notrils. Jasper and Alice along with Rosalie were somewhere here in the woods finding a suitable prey for themselves, while Emmett had volunteered to keep an eye on me as we explored the forest.

I had never been to this part of the woods before, and the change of scenery was welcome. I had considered staying at the house because I had no need to hunt just yet, but then decided to leave with the others to make the time pass.

Because there was nothing at the house to keep me there. Carlisle was at the hospital like any other day, and counting the hours until he would get home made me go crazy.

Emmett started to hum quietly beside me -_ the Beatles_ if I was correct - and soon the sound of the awakening birds was drowned under his low voice.

He had a surprisingly beautiful voice when he hummed, although I didn't know why it surprised me. They all had such a beautiful voices. Especially Carlisle...

"_I wanna hold you hand_," Emmett hollered suddenly. "_I wanna hold you hand_..."

"No you don't," I joked. "If you try, I'll tear yours off."

Emmett thundered a laugh. "Jeez, watch your attitude. After a few months you'll be as feeble as... I don't know. I can't think of anything that could be counted weak enough," he teased. "And when that day comes, I'm so going to pay back for all those arm wrestling matches you won by cheating, sis."

The word 'sis' baffled me momentarily, but made me feel oddly warm.

"I so didn't cheat," I argued. "I can't help it if I happen to be the strongest vampire in the house. And I'm only wise enough to enjoy it thoroughly."

"Do enjoy it," Emmett quipped, "while it lasts."

"Bite me."

"I would but Carlisle might kick me out. He's pretty strict when it comes to you."

I searched my brain for a cheeky comment. It was the second time already Emmett said something very innocent, and had no idea how flattered it made me feel.

Where did all this positive energy come from? Sometimes I felt like a whole different person - and I guess I was, in many ways.

We walked in silence for a while, but a loud growl coming from a few miles away broke it. Emmett laughed quietly, stating that Jasper was getting his ass kicked.

I didn't know who was kicking his ass, and I idly wondered if it was a bear woken up from it's hibernation, or was it Alice. Or maybe even Rosalie.

"So tell me," I began, picking up a pine cone from the ground and throwing it through the air. It hit a branch I had aimed at fifty yards away, making it snap and fall to the ground. Emmett whistled at my performance, the sound more mocking than praising.

I wondered if Alice would kick my ass if I gave him a roll on the ground and ruined his clothes. Probably.

"Does it get tedious, having to go through high school over and over again?" I asked, finishing my question.

Emmett frowned while he pondered. "I guess sometimes," he admitted. "But it's worth it. Living in differents kinds of places has a certain charm. You'd think that it gets boring and tiring to move once in every few years, but it's really not that bad."

"Huh," I mumbled.

"And Rose," Emmett continued. "If I didn't have her, I'd be screwed." A goofy smile rose on his face, and he shook his head like he was thinking about a fond memory. Maybe he was.

"How is she taking the... you know, this thing between me and Carlisle?" I asked, hesitating and fearing that I was somehow stepping over my boundaries. If Rosalie had decided to unload her worries to Emmett, it wasn't my business to pry.

But Emmett only shrugged, not thinking my question as a nosy one. "I don't think she's planning to hang you or anything," he stated and barked a laugh as if he had said something utterly funny.

"I'm sure that it takes some time for her to get used to it," he continued now more seriously, shrugging again. "She's very loyal when it comes to relationships, and seeing Carlisle with a person who used to be with her brother can feel a little weird."

I wasn't used to so straight talk, but I guess I had to if I wanted to spend time with Emmett. Nothing made him uncomfortable, and he faced everything with his head up.

I could do that, couldn't I?

"So... Does she feel that this thing is somehow disloyalty? To Esme and Edward?" I asked.

Emmett gave me a smirk, nudging my shoulder. "First of all, stop calling it 'a thing', and I'll tell you. Otherwise it's disrespectful to Carlisle."

He was only half-serious when he said that, but I realised that he was right.

"Okay," I laughed. "Does Rosalie see the mating bond, slash, relationship between me and Carlisle as disloyalty?" I asked, speaking and enunciating slowly just to annoy him.

"That sounds better," Emmett cheered, picking up a stone from the wet ground and starting to aim. "Watch this," he chuckled, tensing his muscles and throwing the stone somewhere far away towards the mountains.

The power of his throw and the speed the stone was traveling across the air made me puzzled, because after seven seconds it still hadn't hit anything although it should have.

"It's still going," I marveled out loud, my precise eyesight no longer picking up the small stone. And I also missed the sound when it hit something, but the consequenses were harder to pass unnoticed, let alone to ignore.

A tiny avalanche occured a few miles away from us - the snow whirled on the steep slope, and words that sounded like "Dammit Emmett!" sounded from the distance. I wondered how deep Jasper got buried, and how long it would take for him to dig himself out.

Although it was unlikely that he had actually gotten buried under the snow - surely his reflexes had stepped in before anything that radical had happened. But obviously the image of Jasper getting buried under the snow amused Emmett immensely, and he laughed quietly again after seeing his accomplishments.

I shook my head, a smile sneaking its way on my face involuntarily. Emmett had truly earned his title as the most playful of the Cullens.

After an expectant silence I turned to him again, quirking a brow at him.

"So?" I asked, waiting for him to complete his answer.

"What?" he asked, and his confusion was either genuine or then he just wanted to test my patience with his acting skills.

I sighed. "Are you incapable of focusing on a one simple conversation?" I asked, partly amused.

"Of course not," Emmett answered, throwing his head back. "I just thought that it was so obvious that I don't have to answer."

"It is?"

"Yeah," he nodded. "Rose is not awfully bothered by your relationship with Carlisle, even if it takes time for her to get used to it. She actually talked with Carlisle about this a few days ago. Didn't he tell you?"

I frowned, wondering why he had chosen not to tell me something like that. "No."

Maybe there hadn't been an approriate moment for him to tell - we were rarely alone at the house, and those rare times when it was just the two of us we had been talking about something else.

The images of the early morning today rose into my mind, and I was both sorrowful and gratified for those moments that had occurred hours ago. Finding Carlisle from his bedroom upstairs, shaken and upset about the things he couldn't help, had ripped another piece off of my broken heart.

He always claimed that I was the one pushing myself too much and trying too hard, but I had to say that I wasn't the only one doing that. This morning proved that.

But it was just so Carlisle to mourn for the pain and losses of people he didn't even know.

I didn't know how it turned out to be him comforting me again in the end. The observations he had made about the things I would miss out on because of this eternal existence had been innocent and almost insignificant. And I still didn't know how his mention about me missing the sun had ended me up to be that frail, whimpering wreck.

The way he had drawn those few words out of me - those things I never talked about - was almost supernatural. He had opened the door to one of my darkest thoughts by only being present, and it scared me a bit.

And at the same time the way we had connected in that moment... the feeling resembled somehow fulfillment. And I had been oddly happy at the same time when I had been crushingly devastated about the things I missed, and about the things he grieved in his own heart.

The scent of roses, orange, sweet musk and bay filled my nostrils, severing my thoughts. Alice and Jasper appeared behind a small cliff, both of their eyes pure golden again after the hunt. Jasper's expression wasn't at all disgruntled as I had expected it to be after the small avalanche Emmett had caused. It seemed that he had gotten used to his stunts over the decades.

The late afternoon was turning to evening as we turned and started to make our way back towards the house, our pace slow and unhurried.

"Where's Rosie?" Emmett asked, without a doubt wondering why the golden-haired angel hadn't returned with Alice and Jasper.

"She wanted to take a longer turn," Jasper explained. "Or then she got worried about the heightened risks of avalanches around here," he sniped, a small smile making his eyes glint.

Emmett grunted. "Yeah," he pointed out to me. "If you want to be friends with Rosalie, _do not_ mess with her hair. Do not wet it, do not muddle it, or otherwise get yourself involved with it."

"Don't preach to me about it," I laughed. "I wasn't the one causing an avalanche and potentially messing up her hair."

Alice twirled around me, jumping from the ground and balancing herself on my back. She wrapped her pale arms around my neck and shoulders, her light weight resembling the weight of a feather.

"She'll be back in four minutes," she informed, her chiming voice sounding somewhere above my right ear.

We continued our slow pace, the leisurely speed somehow feeling very relaxing. We were pretty far from the house, and it would take hours to get back if we chose to travel this slowly, but I didn't mind.

Not if it didn't take too long at least - Carlisle would be back home before the nightfall, and I wanted to be there when he returned.

Jasper's and Emmett's casual chatter was disrupted by Alice's sudden intake of breath. Her grip on my shoulders tightened significantly which was slightly inconvenient for me because her sharp nails dug into the sensitive skin of my shoulders quite painfully.

Jasper stopped immediately, his gaze fixed upon Alice. "What is it?" he asked, his voice demanding.

I tried to turn my head to see Alice's face, but I could only hear the tenseness in her voice. Her visions didn't worry me as much as they had used to - I had noticed during these past months that she had them all the time, because she was almost constantly observing the futures of her family members.

I heard the movement of Alice's head when she shook her head. "I'm not sure," she muttered. "I can't see. Something keeps changing."

Her grip on my shoulders loosened as she dropped herself on the ground.

We all stared at her as we tried to decide if there was any reason to worry or not.

"Is it Rosalie?" Emmett asked, his head whirling around when he tried to locate his mate. Alice had said that she would be here within minutes.

I tried to sniff the air to find Rosalie's scent, my sensitive notrils looking for the hues of white roses, violets and irises. But the air around us was completely still, no whispers of wind bringing the aromas towards our direction.

"No, Rosalie's future is the same," Alice said, sounding frustrated. "But still..." Her eyes went blank, the sight very familiar to all of us.

Then many things happened at the same time.

Alice's eyes snapped back to focus and flicked to me, and at the same time I drew in a breath to search Rosalie's scent again, my worry over that something had happened to her forcing me to do something.

And then the wind started to blow again, bringing scents from the north-east. Not Rosalie's scent, because she had gone to the other direction.

New scents, wonderful scents. Scents that made the fire lick my throat, tearing my windpipe and covering my vision with fiery red.

"Jasper!" Alice screamed, but there was no need - his hands had already grabbed my wrists, and soon Emmett's huge arms wrapped around my shoulders.

Their tight grip severed my focus, and I tried to blink the redness away. The pain in my throat rivaled with the sharp ache in my arms and shoulders when Jasper and Emmett held on to me, preparing themselves to fight against me.

Alice's whisper was both confused and wondering. "Wait," she breathed.

Twenty different emotions tore through me - the desire to race after the wonderful scent was the most powerful of them all.

But other feelings surfaced; confusion, more sensations of pain both in my throat and arms, curiousness about what Alice was seeing... More confusion mixed with a tinge of relief when Rosalie's steps echoed in the woods as she arrived.

The wind blew again, and I desired, and I hurt, and I got confused and I worried.

"What's going on?"

Rosalie's voice sounded from somewhere far away, her voice tight and tense as she took in the situation.

"I would like to know that too," Emmett grumbled, sounding slightly tired and breathless. It made me stop the wriggling and writhing. When had I started writhing?

"Alice," Jasper stated tightly.

"Wait," Alice said again, her voice sounding closer.

For what?

"We have to take Bella away - ," Jasper started, their conversation taking more and more of my focus. The scent was still overpowering, but somehow... weaker.

"Let her go," Alice suddenly stated, baffling Emmett, Jasper and Rosalie, but not as much as baffling me.

"No!"

I realised that they were my lips forming that word.

"Loosen your grip a bit at least," Alice urged. "You'll want to see this."

I hadn't believed that they would do it - I trusted at least Jasper to know better. But the grip around my shoulders and arms loosened, making me enthusiastic because I was finally free to go after those humans, but it also made me panic. Because I was free to go after those humans.

They couldn't be so stupid, could they? They wouldn't do this to me, they couldn't let me do what I so wanted to do...

While I was quietly flipping out in my mind, I felt the four pairs of eyes staring at my every move. The wind whispered to me again, making promises of complete satisfaction and fulfillment if I chose to follow its lead... Would it keep the promises, would it be worth it?

Flames licked my throat again, the temptation so intense that I wanted to cry. I lifted my palms over my mouth, the contact of my own marble skin against my lips relieving the burn.

This was what it was like to be crazy.

"Holy shit," Emmett thundered behind me, the wonderment in his tone making me both puzzled and irritated. Extremely irritated. Why didn't they take me away already?

And then they were my feet taking me away from the wonderful scents, the loose grip around my arms bringing both frustration and relief. The wind brushed my back and the breaths of air followed me, tickling my skin as if to tease; to remind me of the possibilities and chances if I had chosen to follow the enticements and temptations it had offered. Reminding me of the things I had lost.

And Carlisle's words from this morning came back to me;

_"I was only thinking about the changes this life has brought to you, and the things you have to live without now. And it makes me sad that you are missing out certain things. Because of what we are."_

His words could be interpreted completely differently now, I realised. He had been talking about the things I would miss out on because I no longer was a human. His words had been filled with regret towards the fact that I couldn't live with those ordinary things that belonged to a normal human life.

But now I realised that there were things I would miss out on purpose. By choice, because of my own free will. Because of what I was, because of the things that Carlisle had taught me.

It wouldn't have been worth it - the human blood wouldn't have been worth it. I wanted to be deaf to those promises the wind made. And I definitely wanted to miss out this experience.

And if I didn't want that experience, would that be missing out after all?

The flames were slowly dying in my throat, the fire and redness that had consumed my vision slowly dissipating. And all I wanted to do was just to breathe again, but I knew it wasn't safe.

Jasper and Emmett were still holding me, just to be safe. A part of me wanted to rage at them because they had done something so silly as loosened their grip - the consequences could have been bad.

And suddenly I was very tired. The mental strain had worn me out, and the amount of focus it had taken to walk away from those humans making me feel washed-out. My body was still strong, strong enough to carry a huge tank on the other side of the world. But inside my mind I craved the peace, the quietness of Carlisle's study and his comforting presence...

The grip disappeared from around my arms as we neared the house, millions of steps and wishes of tranquility later.

"That was weird," Emmett stated as we stopped. "How did you do it?"

"Do what?" I sighed, turning to the others and letting pieces of my frustration spring free.

They all stared at me like I had grown a second head.

"Control yourself," Emmett explained slowly, as if I was a little slow-witted. "One second you were going to chase those humans, and a second later you weren't."

"You held me still," I pointed out, my voice slightly high-pitched from the stress. "And what was with the stunt you pulled after that?" I demanded, glowering at Emmett and Jasper angrily. "You shouldn't have let me go. I was far from being controlled."

Emmett shrugged, smirking widely like this whole situation was some sort of a joke. Which it was not. "I had trust in Alice. And we didn't let go, we only loosened our hold a bit."

"Bella, calm down," Alice persuaded, dancing past me and going towards the front door. "My vision showed you at first running after those humans, but it changed. I wouldn't have told them to let you go if I hadn't been absolutely sure about it."

I thought back at those moments in the woods, remembering the difficulty to concentrate and the rushing emotions that were tangling together... How could Alice have been sure about it, when I had felt so confused myself?

"It was quite impressive," Jasper said with his low voice, his expression approving. Rosalie quirked her brow, her eyes evaluative as she looked at me.

"I still don't like that you did it," I grumbled as our small group made our way into the house. We settled in the living room, Rosalie and Jasper dropping themselves on the couch while I stood in front of the glass wall, studying the twilight outside. "You have too much trust in me."

"And you have too little in us," Jasper pointed out, his voice firm but gentle. Emmett leaned his forearms against the back of the couch, his fingers tracing patterns on Rosalie's shoulders.

Alice nodded at Jasper's words.

"We wouldn't have let anything happen," Jasper assured. "If the situation had demanded a different way of handling, we'd have acted somehow. There's no doubt of it."

I let out a breath, his words making me feel both relieved and embarrassed. I hadn't meant to question their ability to handle the situation, but I had.

"I know that," I breathed. "And I'm sorry that I'm so snappy. The whole situation was just so confusing, and if you hadn't been there to stop me again..." I let my words hang in the air, having no need to finish my sentence.

"Your control is improving," Jasper stated. The alarm on my face must have shown somehow, because he started to reassure me. "No one's gonna let you out by yourself if that's what you're worried about. But it might not take as long for you to learn control as we had thought."

"I don't know," I sighed, the weariness returning again. "I feel that I have a long way to go."

"Of course you do," Alice said, coming to stand next to me. "It's only been three months. No one's trying to pressure you or anything, we are just trying to say that you're capable of doing things that a newborn shouldn't be able to accomplish."

"But I haven't accomplished anything," I insisted, frustrated that they saw it that way. "I was almost crazy because of that scent, and if there had been no one to hold me down, I would have killed those people."

Alice sighed, shaking her head and walking to the couch, sitting down next to Jasper. "She's impossible. As dense as a brick wall."

I ignored her words, studying my feelings concerning the the events of the evening. And I wondered; could they be right? Was there a chance that I was getting better at controlling myself?

It didn't take long until Carlisle arrived home, and all I wanted to do was to drag him into his study or take a walk with him - something that would make me feel at ease again.

Alice went to the garage door to meet him, and I knew that I should say goodbye to my plans to spend a calm, uneventful evening with him.

"Hello, Alice," Carlisle greeted with a smile in his voice. "Is everything well?" he asked, without a doubt sensing Alice's exhilaration. And when Alice was exhilarated, it could be either a good or bad thing.

They appeared to the living room door, Alice holding Carlisle's sleeve and practically towing him. Carlisle's golden caramel eyes fell on me, puzzlement combined with pleasure as he looked at me. And I felt the same pleasure for seeing him, too.

"Something interesting happened," Emmett spoke, drawing nods from Rosalie and Jasper.

Carlisle's eyebrows knitted together as he lowered his briefcase on the floor, a dozen questions in his eyes.

I had an urge to flee somewhere - they were all looking at me again like I was some sort of a superhero. Being the center of attention had never been pleasant for me, and my eyes flitted around the room to find a perfect place to hide. Did they have to make this some sort of an occasion?

I was so going to cut a hole to the wall and make a back door for situations such as this.

"We were hunting on the mountains with Rosalie and Alice," Jasper started to explain when Carlisle started to look worried. "Emmett stayed with Bella in the woods while we were gone."

"Yes?" Carlisle asked. His fingers started to unbutton his coat, a small frown still on his face.

"When we were heading back, the wind brought a scent from a few miles away. We were pretty far from the humans, but the scent was still quite strong," Jasper continued.

Carlisle threw an alarmed look at my direction, his lips opening and closing when he tried to summon the words. I lowered my head, embarrassed under his scrutiny.

"Nothing bad happened," Rosalie spoke up to calm him. Carlisle's posture relaxed visibly and he let out a breath. I could see that he was trying to hide his relief, but didn't quite succeed.

"Jasper and I held her before she even took a step," Emmett informed with his low voice. He turned his head towards Alice, a gleeful smirk on his face. "And after a moment that little freak tells us to let her go."

Carlisle let out a surprised breath, the sound revealing both confusion and horror. "Why?" he demanded, looking down at the petite woman next to him.

I twisted my hands uncomfortably when Alice started to speak.

"Because she didn't need anyone to hold her," she stated with a confident voice. "I saw the outcome."

Carlisle's eyes went wide with surprise and amazement when he lifted his gaze to me. And I was embarrased again, because they all made it sound so easy. And it had been far from easy, and I just wanted them to _get_ that already.

"Really?" he asked, this time speaking to me. Finally someone bothered to ask _my_ opinion.

"It wasn't like that," I sighed, regretful because I had to disappoint him. "And I was far from controlled. If I had been alone, those humans would be dead."

"She didn't start to chase them," Jasper said to Carlisle, like that sentence answered to everything and overruled every word I tried to say. "And she stopped fighting against our grip, and after that we loosened our hold of her. And you know what she did then?"

Carlisle's eyes gleamed weirdly.

"She turned and walked away on her own," Jasper stated. "Just like that."

Just like that. What a load of crap.

Carlisle chuckled quietly, his expression still so amazed that it started to annoy me. He lifted his gaze to my eyes, the trust and the pride in him making me almost shrink.

"It wasn't like that," I argued again, stomping my foot slightly against the floor, lightly enough to prevent the wood from shattering. "They are telling it wrong. It's not like it all happened so neatly and - ,"

The flow of words stopped when Carlisle started to make his way across the room towards me, slowly but steadily. The small smile on his face made me slightly disarmed, but I didn't want to be disarmed now - I had a matter to clarify.

Two more steps, wider and faster this time, and his hands grabbed my shoulders, pulled me closer to him almost forcibly, and then his lips were on mine.

He kissed me intensely and tenderly - right in front of everyone.

And the world disappeared. It was just him and me, his marble lips studying my mouth, his tongue brushing my lower lip, his hands gripping my shoulders...

And then it was over. The warm lips left my skin, the kiss leaving me reeling, craving for oxygen, craving for balance, craving for _him_.

A quiet giggle sounded from somewhere, and it took me a moment to place the sound.

And oh. We were in the living room. Not alone.

Dammit.

Carlisle's nose nuzzled my cheek, the presence of the others not seeming to bother him even a bit.

"Is it true?" he asked, that same pride and joy in his voice that had made me so irritated before. "Did you really walk away?"

I frowned as he took a step back, not knowing if it was his question that annoyed me, or his withdrawal. His eyes studied my frown, and he reached out with his finger to brush the crease between my brow.

"Well," I tried, knowing that I had to make him see the whole picture. "I guess I did, but it really wasn't as easy as they made it sound." I threw a frustrated look at the others, taking in the small amusement in their expressions. I didn't know how much Carlisle's kiss bothered them - we had never kissed before in their presence.

But they all looked only slightly self-conscious, but also oddly contended. Even Rosalie smiled a bit, but her smile was a little more permissive than happy.

"So you feel that it wasn't easy?" Carlisle asked, his fingers smoothing out the wrinkles on my blue sweater that his grip had caused.

"No," I answered, relieved that he wasn't at least disagreeing immediately.

"But you walked away, nonetheless? Hmm?" His thumb brushed my chin in a very tender manner, a small smile still adorning his face.

"Well, yeah but..."

"Bella, it's not supposed to be easy," Carlisle cut me off gently. "It rarely is, especially at the beginning. What you were able to do is remarkable."

"That's what we've been trying to tell her," Emmett grumbled. "But she won't listen."

"Why not?" Carlisle asked from me.

I struggled to put my feelings to words. I was finally comprehending that being able to walk away had been somehow significant, but I didn't want to be measured by that one incident.

"It's just that I don't want you guys to expect too much from me," I explained, looking at Jasper. He narrowed his eyes, and I knew he had good chances to undertand me the best - right after Carlisle.

Because I really needed Carlisle to understand - I needed him to be proud of me, but only if there was a reason for it. And maybe there was a reason for it now, but I needed to make him _see_, to understand...

"I don't want to be put on a pedestal," I continued, turning my gaze back at Carlisle. "Even if what happened today turned out okay, it might not happen in the future. I need you not to trust me, because I still can't be trusted."

"Bella, we know that," Carlisle reassured gently. I threw a puzzled glance at him. He chuckled, pulling me towards the couches and sitting me down on it.

He sat down next to me, taking my hand and keeping his eyes on me. "Bella, we didn't mean to give you the impression that we are expecting the impossible from you," he said gently. "And of course you have no reason to worry about us not keeping an eye on you. I would never take the risk until I knew for sure you were ready."

His words made me feel more calm, and I realised that maybe I was overreacting. Maybe Jasper's earlier words were true; I didn't have enough trust in them.

"I am only very happy that you're making progress," Carlisle continued. "Of course there is no rush, but it pleases me to know that your self-control is improving so fast. And I know how it frustrates you to be the slave for your instincts."

"So... you're happy for you, and for me?" I asked, trying to tie the emotions his words carried.

Emmett fake-yawned. "I'm not happy for me. I'm not happy for anyone. I want to watch baseball."

His words lightened up the mood significantly, and he reached out for the remote, flicking the flatscreen on.

I let out a breath, relieved when my knotted emotions were starting to unravel. And the knowledge of that no one was expecting too much from me also helped to ease the stress.

"Okay," I breathed, involuntarily leaning against Carlisle's arm. He wrapped it around me and pulled me closer, and I was home.

"You think way too much," Rosalie commented from the couch opposite of us, taking a fashion magazine from the table and starting to browse through it.

Maybe she was right - maybe I was overthinking. Overreacting, overdoing...

I was an overachiever. Plain and simple.

Carlisle leaned against the back of the couch, his hold tightening around my shoulders. And I realised that I had never had to overdo anything in his company, even if I had felt the need to. He had always accepted me the way I was.

Rosalie's golden eyes glided on the page as she read. Looking at her made me wonder why anyone didn't give her any credit for her self-control. I remembered Carlisle telling me that she had killed seven men during her newborn year, but never tasted the blood. But even being near humans must have been quite torturing for her, and she still hadn't succumbed.

The topic must be still tender for her, and I understood the lack of mentioning. And I realised that it only increased Rosalie's inner strength when she didn't gloat about it, or take any pride on killing those men even if she had felt satisfied after her actions.

I drew in the scent of Carlisle's unbuttoned coat - he smelled like musk, linen, amber and wood. Those aromas were slightly interfered by other smells; the light smell of humans and hospital was mixed with his unique scent.

But I didn't let it bother me.

And so I leaned against his side, enjoying the way his chin pressed against my forehead and his fingers played on my hip. And I just relished his company, drawing in more of his musky scent, and tried not to think too much.

It was hours later when I found myself from the cool mountain air again, this time tagging along with Carlisle. He was in need of a quick hunt and had offered to go by himself so I wouldn't have to follow him idly across the mountains. But I had wanted to go with him, gladly clinging to every moment I could spend with him while he wasn't in the hospital.

My last hunt had been a couple of days ago with Alice, and I still clung to my decision not to hunt yet. I didn't want to strain the wildlife, and I was partly curious how many days I could go until the thirst would get really bad.

Not that Carlisle would let me drift into such an uncomfortable situation - he made sure that I hunted at least once or twice in every two weeks, always making sure that my thirst didn't get too severe.

We climbed higher up in the mountains, and then ran at least seven miles before slowing down. I felt the changes in the air on my tongue - it was thinner because we were so high, and it tasted different.

"There should be no humans this high and far," Carlisle stated, his eyes sweeping the night scenery. "Are you sure you don't need to hunt? I'm sure here's a cougar or two for the both of us," he offered and kissed me, the color of his golden caramel eyes nearing brown.

"Nope," I answered, pressing another kiss on his lips. "I'll wait here."

He wore that irresistible smile again that made his eyes always flame, and he reached out with his fingers to brush my hair back. "Or maybe I'll just stay here," he hummed with his tenor, dropping a kiss on my lips again. "It seems such a waste to leave you here when we could be together for once. Just the two of us."

I smiled against his lips, agreeing with him in my mind. Because it was such a waste to let him out of my sight, even if it was only for a few minutes. But after pulling back and gazing into his dark irises again, I decided that he really shouldn't skip the hunting because of me.

"Or then you just don't trust me enough to leave me," I teased, keeping my voice slightly mocking when I continued. "Even after my little "performance" this afternoon." I curled my fingers to quotation marks at the word 'performance', still feeling slightly thrown about the fact that the others saw it as an accomplishment.

Carlisle chuckled, knowing I wasn't completely serious. "I wouldn't dare to leave you if there was a chance of running into a human around here," I assured anyway. "And the next time you decide to confer another performance of yours, I intend to be present."

"I really hope there won't be a next time anytime soon," I sighed, remembering my dissolved focus and the flames slashing my throat. "By the way," I began, thinking about my earlier musings about Rosalie. "Wasn't Rosalie pretty good at controlling herself when she was a newborn?" I asked, curious about the way how much the development of the self-control varied between vampires.

"She was," Carlisle agreed, nodding. He licked his lips quickly, his eyes darting past my shoulder for a second before looking back at me. "She was... able to be around humans during her first year, although I knew it must have been a struggle for her."

He was referring to the time when Rosalie had killed her fiance and his friends for a revenge, because of what they had done to her. I knew that Carlisle's feelings were conflicted when it came to that matter - he hadn't encouraged her to commit a crime, and at the same time he had felt that Rosalie needed justice.

But even when Carlisle respected a human life so much, I thought that it had been very good of him not to stand against Rosalie all those years ago. It must have bothered him to turn a blind eye when he had learned what Rosalie was about to do, and yet he hadn't tried to stop her.

"What makes you ask?" Carlisle queried, running my knuckles over his lips.

"I was just thinking how much the development of one's self-control is so different with everyone," I mused. "I mean, you never let the thirst get to you, and even if Rosalie has killed people she's never tasted human blood. And on the other hand there's Jasper, who seems to struggle sometimes very badly."

Carlisle nodded and frowned every once in a while as I spoke. He rubbed his chin in a very human-like manner, and the doctor-expression that I had witnessed dozens of times rose on his face.

"And," I continued. "When I look at you, I'm thinking that it must be the strength of character and integrity what made you so strong to be able to resist. But if I think that way, does it mean that Jasper is somehow weaker when it comes to being strong-minded? Or Emmett, or Alice?"

Carlisle's expression was pondering, and he nodded again to tell me that he understood what I meant.

My own question had been a rhetorical one, but I answered anyway. "But Jasper is very strong-minded," I pondered. "And so are the others, and it's not fair to think that they are somehow less... determined." I shook my head in frustration. "You know what I mean?"

Carlisle smiled, seeming a bit amused about my frustration. "Certainly," he answered, brushing a lock of hair behind my ear. "You have given this a lot of thought, haven't you?"

I shrugged. "It's been in my mind a few times."

"I have thought about it myself during the long years," Carlisle stated, licking his lips, his expression contemplative again. "And all I've come up with is that everyone's simply different. Of course the starting points can have their impact, but the state of self-control is always different with each individual. I guess I could compare it to the pain-threshold," he pondered, narrowing his eyes and frowning a bit.

"Everyone experiences the pain differently - imagine a human who has broken his leg, for intance. Someone might be able to manage the pain for hours, when someone else loses consciousness within seconds. But does it mean that the one losing consciousness is somehow weaker in mind?" he asked and shook his head. "I can't decide."

I shuddered, his words bringing a vague human memory into my mind.

Carlisle's fingers brushed my cheek in a way that was almost apologizing, and I knew he remembered, too.

"You understand what I mean?" he asked.

I nodded quickly to banish the memories of the dark ballet studio. "Yeah."

"I'm sorry that I have no better answer than that."

I shrugged, giving him a small smile. "I guess some questions aren't meant to be answered."

Carlisle's smile was amused. "I was beginning to believe that you have a mind of a scientist, but your words make me retract my thoughts."

"Scientist," I huffed, pretending to be disgusted. "The only science I know is that the Earth is round and circles around the sun, and it's the gravity that makes Emmett fall to the ground everytime I nudge him - on purpose or not - and Alice..." I puckered up my lip in a sulking manner. "I can't think anything about Alice. No laws of physics apply to her."

Carlisle laughed, seeming genuinely amused about my words. He leaned closer to brush my cheek with his lips, his eyes glittering.

"And..." I pressed his chest with my forefinger, pretending to reproach. "I know that if you don't go hunting now, your eyes will turn black tomorrow."

The other side of his lips quirked. "I'd better go then," he stated, drawing a nod from me.

I watched him turn and take a few steps before he glanced back at me. "I won't be far," he promised, telling me something I already knew. Even if there were no humans to be heard or sensed otherwise right now, he wouldn't take any risks. He would stay withtin the hearing-range, ready to come back to me if the situation needed.

"I'll be back within minutes," he said, hesitating. "Are you sure you don't wish to hunt?"

I shook my head. "I'm testing my limits," I quipped, only half-serious.

I shouldn't have said that, because his smile faltered a bit. "Just know that you don't have to," he reminded with a gentle voice. He hesitated again for a moment before turning and disappearing behind a cliff.

I paced and admired the scenery while he was away. From this spot the view to the north showed the snow-covered mountains, as far as my eyes could see. The scenery was painted with colours of night blue and purple, combined with dark grey.

I gazed at the dark sky, slightly resentful because of the lacking moon and stars.

I leaned against a stunted pine, letting my eyes sweep the scenery while trying to listen any signs of Carlisle coming back. I suddenly hoped that I'd gone with him to see him hunt instead of waiting him over here.

But he was back again within minutes - just like he had promised, his eyes glimmering with the golden luster that reminded me of rays of sunshine.

And I wasn't sad about the absent moon or stars anymore. The radiancy in Carlisle's gaze was enough for me, and I found myself forgetting the moon, the stars, the sun and all the other celestial bodies that belonged to the sky.

Because Carlisle was quite celestial himself. And even though there was a luster of stars in his eyes, a sparkle of sunshine in his smile, and even a glimmer of moon on the surface of his white teeth - as heavenly as he was, he didn't belong to the sky.

Because he belonged here. And the silent corners of my heart whispered words to me, saying that maybe he belonged with me - and maybe I belonged with him.

And maybe we belonged together.

* * *

"I've got one," Emmett chortled, leaning back on the couch and folding his hands behind his head. "Would you rather drown or be burned alive?"

I bit my lip and thought hard. A small part of my mind questioned both mine and Emmett's mental health because of our conversation that had been going on for the last two hours.

"I don't know," I answered, glancing at Carlisle who stepped into the living room with fresh clothes and moist hair. His day at the hospital had been bloody again, and he had insisted on washing himself to prevent any discomfort I might have.

He wore a concerned frown because of our current topic of conversation, sitting beside me and taking a newspaper from the table.

"You have to choose one or the other," Emmett grumbled. "Otherwise you'll ruin the game."

"I don't like this game," I informed, frowning. "I guess drowning would be nicer," I decided with a shrug.

"Your turn."

"Uh," I sighed, trying to think of a good question that would be a difficult one to answer. "Would you rather be skinned or dismembered?"

"Vampires can't be skinned," Emmett pointed out.

"Well, vampires can't drown either, but it didn't stop you from asking it."

Emmett laughed. "You're paying attention. Exellent," he praised, starting to ponder my question. "Dismembered," he decided eventually.

Carlisle shook his head, his expression torn between amusement and horror. "You two are awful," he breathed.

"No, we are just bored," Emmett pointed out. "Who would you rather piss off, Alice or Rosalie?"

Rosalie chuckled upstairs.

"That is a difficult one," I admitted. "I'm sorry, I suck at this game."

"Pick," Emmett ordered, ignoring my despair.

I threw a pleading look at Carlisle. He tried to hide his smile as he turned the page of the newspaper, seeming oblivious of my indecision.

"Well," I sighed. "I'm going to pick Alice, although she could feed her wardrobe to me if she gets really mad, and that would be uncomfortable. But Alice is my pick."

"Good call," Rosalie commented from the second floor, and there was a small smile in her tone.

Emmett chuckled quietly, flicking the flatscreen on. "Yeah, I would have picked Alice, too. It's a lot easier to hold her down because she's so small. And Rose is scary when she's mad."

He started to follow the evening news and weather forecast, apparently deciding that he wasn't so bored anymore and that our game was over. And I was glad, because I wasn't so bored anymore, either.

I leaned my head against Carlisle's shoulder, the fabric of his grey cardigan feeling coarse beneath my cheek.

"How was your day?" I asked, hoping that nothing bad had happened. Carlisle took it so heavily if he was put into a position where he couldn't save someone.

Carlisle put the newspaper away, wrapping his arm around me. "It was alright," he answered, running his fingers up and down my arm. "Quite busy, two rather long surgeries included. It feels good to get home for a while," he admitted, and behind his smile there was weariness and wishes of calm.

"It's good to have you home for a while," I confessed, drawing in his musky scent.

"I'm sorry that I've been working so much during the last few weeks," he apologized, pressing a soft kiss on my temple. "But things are settling down little by little. I hear they're adding more personnel."

"You don't have to apologize," I declared. "I know how much being a doctor means to you." I would never ask him to cut down the time he spend at the hospital, knowing how important it was to him to help people. Even when I missed him during the hours we were separated, I always knew that he was worth the wait.

So worth it.

"There are other things that are more important to me," Carlisle said quietly, and the emotion in his voice made it difficult to look at him. I studied the grey fabric of his sleeve, thinking of something to say. With Emmett in the room and Rosalie upstairs it was even more difficult.

My fingers played idly with the cuff of his white button-down shirt he was wearing underneath the cardigan. Playing with the cuff was almost a habit already - I didn't know why, but somehow the small gesture brought me comfort.

Carlisle's tapered fingers grasped mine suddenly, holding my hand in his own. He stood up slowly, his butterscotch eyes looking down at me.

"Take a walk with me," he asked, the same way he had asked dozens of times before. And I complied, the same way like dozens of times before - as if I could ever say no to him.

We walked towards the forest in silence as the night was slowly falling around us. The air felt cool against my own cool skin, but Carlisle's hand in mine was very warm.

I realised that during the days I was really waiting and looking forward to the nighttime. And it was somehow very ironical that during my human life my days had been spent awake, when the nights were spent either while sleeping or grieving for something. While waiting and hoping for the night to be over. I had been alive then - there had been blood pumping in my veins, a heart beating in my chest... and yet, I had been so far from being alive. I had barely existed, nothing more than that.

But now, when there was no beating pulse to be heard, no warmth of blood rushing through my veins... and my surprisingly pleasant days were spent waiting for the evening and the nightfall, because that's when Carlisle usually came home.

And I would come alive then - this was what it was like to be truly alive.

Carlisle smiled at me suddenly, giving my hand a tug before dropping it from his grasp. It puzzled me for a moment, but then I realised that he wanted us to run.

What a sight it would have been for human eyes, seeing two immortals running through the night with wind in their hair, racing and competing for speed. And yet, there never was any competition, no races to win. Because this was no competition, no attempt to strive to be better than the other. We were both winners, and we were both losers, and that's what made it so pleasant.

"Where are we going?" I asked as the wind rushed in my ears, my voice stable and smooth even if we were running so fast.

Carlisle threw me a glance that was both amused and expectant. "I assume you didn't follow the weather broadcast?" he asked, puzzling me. I shook my head at him.

"The sky will be clear tonight," he stated as he ducked a tree branch, the movement so quick that it was barely there. "And I thought that maybe you wanted to see the stars."

A sudden joy made my silent heart leap after hearing his words, and I wondered if Carlisle had noticed the way I had studied the overcast sky during these last weeks. I guess he knew how much I missed seeing the sky.

We ran for a few miles until the woods around us transformed into mountains. I assumed that Carlisle would stop after we had reached one of those high points that overlooked the forest, but instead he beckoned us to continue.

We ran until the lights of the city and the noises of the nearby ski resorts disappeared, the changes in the air becoming more prominent on my tongue. The air was thinner, slightly crisp and more clear somehow.

Finally, after several minutes Carlisle slowed down and stopped. I stopped beside him. The surprisingly persistent snow covering the ground crunched under my sneakers. We were so high that I wondered if the snow ever melted here, even during summer.

The snow was soon forgotten when I spotted a large lake down below. It seemed to be so close but yet so far away, the distance between the mountain top that overlooked the dark pool of water being at least several miles. I lifted my hand and sweeped my fingers through the air, as if to touch the view and be part of it, wanting to discover if the sleek surface of the water down below rippled at my touch.

"Do you enjoy it?"

A hushed voice sounded behind me and I turned, and when I could only hope to be part of that beautiful view, I knew that Carlisle was definitely part of it. He looked like a magical being while standing there in the middle of the white snow. The small, stunted pines that weren't quite able to thrive in here where the terrain was so barren and harsh, created shadows on the white surface of the snow.

"Yes," I answered, my whisper not quite belonging to the silence like Carlisle's soft words had. This place exuded peace and tranquility, the same calmness that was always so prominent in Carlisle's presence. The same calmness I always craved, that same calmness he had seemed to crave earlier.

Had he found it? That calmness?

The clouds receded then, revealing the silvery moon that painted the scenery with different colors. The lake down below and the forests winding around the mountains received a glowing luster, and for a moment I felt like I had stepped into a fairytale.

I saved the best view for the last, my eyes falling on Carlisle - and I thought that maybe I really had.

The moonlight made the marble skin of his face glow very subtly, and where the sunlight made the diamonds on his skin sparkle and shimmer, the silvery light of the moon induced a lustering smoothness. The pale angles of his jawline looked very irresistible, and all I wanted to do was to brush my fingers against his skin to find out if it was as soft as it looked.

There was nothing to stop me from doing that, I realised. And I took a step forward, the intensity of his golden eyes making my own skin burn.

The skin of his chin was satiny under my touch. My eyes trailed after my forefinger, following the line of his jaw until reaching the spot under his ear.

His hand rose to grasp my fingers suddenly, and he brought my hand to his mouth, kissing each finger with tenderness and affection. My eyes were relentlessly fixed on his lips, studying the way they closed and parted during each kiss.

Which is why I didn't notice the changing color of his eyes immediately. But after several seconds I could actually feel his gaze on me, the way his eyes invited me to look at him. Invited, pleaded, requested.

I tore my eyes away from his lips, and slowly lifted my gaze to meet his.

It was like trying to describe your favorite painting, or favorite music or favorite color; there were hundreds of words to use, hundreds of expression to make, and none of them, even when put together weren't enough. It was like trying to fit all the shades of every color that there was in the world into one simple tone.

It was impossible, it was difficult, and it was wonderful.

That was what it was like to describe Carlisle's eyes.

The honeyed luster of his golden irises started to stir, the fair hues vanishing, hiding behind the darkness that slowly conquered the ochre tones. And not even the silvery moonlight was able to lighten the dark hues.

And yet the duskiness in his eyes carried more brightness than the stars and the moon altogether. His eyes were enlightened, illuminated, radiating emotions and feelings I couldn't even begin to describe.

His nose nuzzled my cheek, his lips ghosting above mine so close that I could almost feel them. His proximity tingled and prickled, the warmth exuding from his body making my skin burn again.

"Bella."

He breathed my name like it was a prayer, like pronouncing that one short word was somehow very pleasant for him. It glided on his tongue, his lips molding and perfecting it, and it was then when I knew that it was only him that could say my name like that; adoringly, tenderly, pleadingly.

And I wanted to hear it again, hear his lips whispering my name, as I wanted to hear his name on mine, to feel the way my mouth formed his beautiful name...

But our communication wasn't verbal anymore - it didn't need to be. We both knew the syllables dancing on our tongues as our lips met, our marble skins caressing one another, in the same way like the wind caresses the trees, making the leaves quiver and whisper secrets that weren't meant for mortal ears. In the same way like the rain falls from the skies, diving through the air and finally meeting the ground, and those two elements would embrace each other in the way that was just right; intertwining, uniting.

His tongue touched my lower lip, tickling, teasing, exploring. His hands were suddenly everywhere - one moment they were tangling in my hair, a second later caressing my lower back and pulling me closer to his body that was both hard and soft.

And then I was afraid - afraid that he would pull away like he always did. And I couldn't let him, because the compelling need to have him closer made me ache. If he pulled away now I would crumble to pieces and simply die away, as immortal as I was.

My fingers almost clawed the back of his neck, and I really had to make an effort not to cause him any pain. He breathed against my lips, the quick rush of air exiting his mouth resembling the beginning of my name. His hands brushed against my back, moving upwards to rest on my shoulders as he broke the connection between our lips.

His hands didn't push me away, but they didn't urge me closer, either. He just held me there with his eyes closed, and I couldn't decipher if he was trying to restrain himself or simply enjoying the moment, among the sensations they were bringing.

Maybe both.

"Dear Lord," he whispered, his eyes opening, and the expression he wore resembled agony. It was the same agony I was in, the one that ached and burned and flamed and blazed...

"Please."

The plea left my lips without any conscious decision, and I really had no space in my mind to be able to prevent the escaping word. All of my focus was directed at the deity creature before me, and towards the ache we both felt and endured.

His golden hair was soft under my fingers as I clung to him, my hands stroking his neck as I quietly continued pleading him without any words.

What I didn't expect was that he pleaded me - there was the same despair in his eyes that I felt burning in my heart.

"Bella," he breathed, and I tasted the word on his tongue. Tasted the despair, the desire, tasted every little thing that scorched his lips. His hands were on my back again, stroking and kneading the skin through the thin fabric.

I somehow managed to pry my hands away from behind his neck, my palms sliding to his chest and taking a moment to marvel the solid muscles beneath the layers of clothing.

Breaking away from his lips was harder, the lack of the small contact making me almost reel.

My fingers trembled as I started to unbotton his cardigan, the need to feel his skin against mine becoming unbearable. I held my breath as I undid one button, then the second, and the third, and every button I managed to undo made me rejoice inwardly. Because he didn't pull away, because he didn't give that resigned sigh of struggle he so often did.

His fingers pressed against my lower back, pushing aside the hem of my sweater and caressing the revealed skin. A violent shudder traveled through me, caused by only that small touch.

There was a peculiar glimmer in Carlisle's darkened eyes as I looked up at him. My hands brushed against his abdomen that was still covered with the white shirt, my touch traveling upwards to his chest, sliding to grasp the grey fabric around his shoulders to drop the garment on the ground. And during all that time I held his gaze, as if to dare him to cease my movements.

But he didn't stop me; the grey cardigan touched the snow-covered ground with a quiet whisper.

The fiery passion in his gaze made me brave, and the quiet voice in my mind tried to convince me that he wanted me as much as I wanted him. And that voice caused another surge of certainty in me, and before I even knew it my fingers were undoing the white shirt that prevented me from touching him completely, fillingly.

It was like watching the unfolding of a rosebud. Except so much better, so much more beautiful. I didn't need to stand by and watch the rose blossoming in its own pace. I had the glorious opportunity to unfold it myself. My fingers peeled away the sheer, delicate garment, and I didn't know where I managed to draw the amount of control that it took not to rip the fabric.

I let the white shirt drop on the ground, and it disappeared among the snowflakes. Forgotten, without receiving any attention.

Because my attention was occupied.

The tips of my fingers stroked Carlisle's bare chest, running over the solid muscles of his abdomen and reaching out to brush his shoulders that were so broad, and strong... Those shoulders had carried hundreds of years of loneliness and sorrow, happiness and courage, and I realised that maybe, _maybe_, they would be strong enough to carry me as well.

Another brush of fingers against his abdomen, another violent shudder that this time made his body tremble, and then his lips sought mine again, and before his mouth attacked my lips I saw a flash of his eyes, clouded with desire.

The kiss left us both breathless, making me wonder the lack of my thundering heartbeat. But I didn't waste my time with wondering for very long. Carlisle's lips traveled downwards, pressing soft kisses in the hollow of my neck and leaving a burning trail behind.

His hands were tangling around the hem of my sweater again, and he swallowed thickly before pulling back to gaze into my eyes.

There was a request of permission in his eyes, as if he really needed one. But he didn't, and I told him that with another quick kiss.

His warm fingers brushed against my sensitive skin as he slowly pulled the sweater off my body. There was something special in the way he handled the fabric as he slowly revealed my skin underneath it. Something adoring and worshipping, something patient and careful, as if he acted too quickly I would shatter like a fine piece of crystal.

The blue fabric that had covered my skin joined the snowflakes, and then he could almost see me. I was less covered, more bare, and the functioning part of my mind was grateful for Alice for making me wear those silly pieces of black lace that didn't count as clothing in my opinion.

Carlisle's eyes sweeped my revealed skin, and when he bent slightly to kiss my clavicle, it was gratitude indeed that swirled in my mind momentarily before he moved to graze his teeth against my other shoulder, making the other black strap fall.

As much as I needed him touching me, I craved to touch him again. My fingers tangled with the golden locks in his neck as he nibbled the skin of my shoulder, causing a quiet moan escape from my lips.

He straightened slowly, his obsidian eyes flaming with the fire that was about to consume us both. His hands settled on my hips, pulling me closer, and I really needed to touch him again. I grazed my fingers against his lower back, and a low sound welled from his chest. It was a rich, deep sound, and my rushing mind quieted for a while so I could marvel the memory of it.

Was that a growl? Had I made _Carlisle Cullen_ growl?

Sweet mother of god.

My fingers played with the waist of his black slacks, studying the texture of the leather belt. My eyes sweeped the muscles of his abdomen, following the fine streaks of dark golden hair that traveled downwards...

And then my hands were trembling again as they fumbled with the silver buckle. Was it nervousness, was it anticipation, or was it both - I didn't know, but the sensation was intoxicating.

His hands grasped my trembling fingers before I had any chances to finish the task that demanded a surprising amount of precision and focus. I glanced up at his eyes, clouded with passion, his sudden interfering confusing me.

He lifted my trembling hands to his mouth, running his lips over my knuckles and drawing in the scent of my skin. "Sweetheart," he breathed against my skin, and there it was again - the pleading look to receive a permission - a confirmation.

He could have it - anything he wanted from me and he could have it. The realisation scared me, but I banished the feeling. This was Carlisle, and if I could offer something to this generous man with the compassion beyond anything, I would do so with happiness.

His hands released mine, and then his magical fingers were exploring the lines of the black piece of lace, circling and searching until reaching the small clasp behind my back. He pried the thin fabric away slowly, leaving my upper body uncovered, and before his eyes could roam over my revealed skin I found myself raising my arms over my bare chest to hide myself.

There was veiled worry in Carlisle's eyes after witnessing my sudden surge of uncertainty. His fingers brushed my wrists and elbows very gently, before removing my arms from my chest very tenderly again, as if he worried about causing me physical pain.

But there was no pain, and then suddenly there was no uncertainty. There was only Carlisle's flaming eyes, his voice and words filled with passion, his lips against my throat where my pulse should have been throbbing.

"Sweet Bella," he sighed against my skin, his lips trailing downwards and pressing feather-light kisses on my chest. "Don't hide yourself," he breathed, his mouth traveling to my cleavage before his lips pressed a soft kiss on my other breast.

I sucked in a breath sharply, the feel of his mouth caressing my sensitive skin making my knees tremble. Was it possible for a vampire to have trembling knees?

Carlisle moaned quietly against my skin, and I got my answer - yes, it was very possible.

My fingers tangled in his hair again as his lips moved lower, pressing fluttering kisses on my stomach and hipbones while he lowered himself on his knees. His tapered fingers found the button of my jeans, and he glanced upwards at me again, never taking my consent for granted.

I encouraged him with a brush of my fingers against his scalp. Yes, I urged without a sound, knowing that he would understand.

The time must have slowed down, because it took an awful lot of time to undo that one button. His fingers moved painfully slowly as his touch skimmed over my lower abdomen before finally pulling the tiny peace of metal through the surrounding fabric.

He slid the dark denim downwards very slowly, as if to savor the moment. And maybe he did - I certainly enjoyed the hunger in his eyes as I stepped out of the jeans, discarding the clothing quickly along with my shoes and socks.

The snow was slightly cool against my knees as I lowered myself down in front of him to feel his shoulders under my palms again. The absence of his lips on my skin was agonizing, and I tackled his mouth fiercely, trying to channel some of the heat and passion into the kiss so that he would know how I burned for him, burned for his touches.

He burned for me too - I discovered this as he pushed his body against mine, the evidence of his desire pressing against my stomach. And our tongues danced together, both of us simply taking a moment to desire and yearn for each other.

At some point I found myself tumbling backwards, my back pressing against the snow-covered ground. The sensation was interesting - I felt like my marble body was on fire, but not even the cold snow was able to cool it down. Nothing could.

Carlisle crawled over me, adding more warmth, more flames, more fire, and the snow beneath my body didn't exist anymore.

His ministrations were painfully slow as he first kissed my lips, then kissed my neck, his lips brushing my shoulders before moving to caress my clavicle. I shuddered as his teeth grazed the sensitive skin of my chest before moving downwards again, the touches of his lips so light that the touch was barely there; it made the sensations even stronger.

I pushed myself up from the ground slightly as his mouth pressed against my other knee, his affectionate touch leaving a burning, invisible mark in its wake.

An electrical shock made my body tremble as his lips caressed my ankle. Who the hell would have thought that an ankle was an erogenous zone?

Not me - but I didn't complain.

A quiet moan escaping my mouth made Carlisle crawl over me again, and I couldn't decide if I wanted his lips to continue the exploration or not. All I knew that I needed his skin to touch mine, the urging call of his proximity clouding my mind and sharpening my senses.

His fingers played with the black lace again, the sheer material preventing him from seeing me completely. The tremble of my fingers was still there, but there was no hesitation in my mind as I lowered my hands on Carlisle's tentative fingers, encouraging him.

Two tender kisses on my lower stomach, and then I felt the garment brushing against my burning thighs, and then my calves, and once more sweeping that mystical spot in the skin my ankle.

And then his eyes were on me, and his gaze burned more than anything ever had. I was bare and exposed in front of his divine eyes, in a state few persons had seen me in.

But I was his to watch, and his only.

_His only_. The thought sounded so good even inside my own mind that it made me wonder how good it would sound if I said it out loud to him.

But then his body was pressed against mine again, making me forget everything lips caressed my mouth with a desperate fervor, and my fingers sought the buckle of his belt, his hands coming to help me to peel off the remaining layers clothing.

And finally our skins touched each other, and all I wanted to do was to feel, to feel him. The need to explore and cherish his body the same way he had done with mine was stunning and heady - I was drunk from his presence, from his touches, from his lips on mine and from his skin pressing against my own...

I had never truly known before what it was like to need, but now I did. The fevered burn to have him closer was beyond anything I had ever imagined, and I found myself pulling him closer to me, my grip on his shoulder and neck so hard that it made him groan.

I didn't know if it was because of the pain or something else - with a great amount of struggle I loosened my grip, the beginnings of an apology forming on my lips as I pulled back to gaze into his eyes.

The thoughts and words in my mind drowned under the sensation of his warm fingers finding the tender and swollen flesh at the apex of my thighs. The touch made me gasp. The air stuck to my throat, and I probably gripped him even harder then, but there simply was no space in my mind to focus on anything else but Carlisle's fingers caressing my sensitive skin.

And then it was over before it had even started, and the feel of his fingers replaced with an emptiness made me beg.

"Carlisle."

My lips formed his name, and it was all I could offer to him right now; it was a plea, it was a question, it was a permission and it was everything.

_He_ was everything.

With a kiss he lifted my upper body slightly from the snowy ground, his hand reaching out to spread his grey cardigan on the ground. Then he lied me down on it, nestling and cushioning my head on his arms, once again handling me like I was something very delicate and easily shattering.

I was such a Carlisle thing to do, to lay me down on the soft fabric instead of the cool snow.

"Sweetheart," he murmured against my lips, his other hand leaving the back of my head and moving to stroke my cheek.

I hitched my leg over his hip, wordlessly inviting him closer. He kissed me deeply, longingly, before pulling back and gazing into my eyes, and I idly wondered if mine were darkened by the desire as much as his were.

It was almost impossible to think the amount of sensitivity my skin seemed to possess, and just when I thought that I couldn't be more sensitive, more tender to his touches, I found my limits stretching and expanding again, taking me to the point where nothing else existed but Carlisle's skin against mine.

I felt him with an every inch of my skin as he slowly conquered my body with his own, and then my body wasn't mine at all; my body didn't belong to me anymore, and his didn't belong to him. Because my body was his, and his was mine, and it was difficult to tell or even _feel_ where the other began and the other ended.

Because we had shared our bodies, joined and united them in a way that was simply sacred and beautiful. We were like a drop in the ocean, a small bead of water returning to a place where it belonged. We were the drops of water that fell from the heavens, joining and uniting, combining and blending with each other until forming the spring of existence. We were the calm before the storm, the two things that couldn't live without one another, two things that both had to exist to keep the other existing and thriving.

Because there was no calm without the storm, no light without the darkness, no always without the never, no day without the night, no beginning without the end.

And where I began, he began too, and my ending was his ending.

And together, we were forever.

My skin, not completely mine any longer, burned and blazed, set alight by Carlisle and his touches. And he seemed to be aflame as much as I was, his musky scent combined with traces of linen and wood prickling my senses.

He still held me tenderly like he would hold a brittle piece of glass, like something precious and invaluable. His hand was warm against the back of my head, his fingers heated against my scalp, and I wanted to hold him like he held me, wanted him to be held in the way that a person like him deserved to be handled.

Because he was precious too, and millions of times more than invaluable.

My fingers clawed the snow on the ground, the need to hold something, to grasp at anything overwhelming me - because the pleasure was almost too much, too intense, the ardent burn coiling in my stomach and chest and thighs and toes...

He had thought earlier this evening that I would like to see the stars on the night sky.

And oh, I did see stars - but the night sky above our joined bodies had little to do with it.

A stifled moan vibrated in my throat, and Carlisle's attempt to seek the sound made me almost crack, almost break. His fingers grasped my other wrist, bringing my hand on his neck - didn't he understand how I_ burned_, burned to cling to him, but I couldn't. Because I'd hurt him, break him, and because the intensity of the sensations was too much, and still not enough...

Another strangled moan prickled in my throat.

"Bella," Carlisle adored with his honeyed voice. "Let me hear you," he whispered into my ear, his warm breath brushing against my neck and jaw.

How could I deny anything from him?

And I broke and cracked, the peak of the sensations making me sink and float, fly and fall at the same time. And it wasn't the snow my fingers were digging into anymore, and I vaguely felt Carlisle's golden hair and marble skin under the tips of my fingers, a very tiny corner of the functioning part of my brain being able to pray that I wasn't hurting him.

His kiss on my lips was tender, his breath on my face was sweet, as he pulled back and watched me slowly breaking to pieces in front of him in a way I had never done before with anyone.

And as I fractured and cracked, there was someone to capture the pieces and value them, to catch and seize every escaping moan and cry of pleasure, to feel every convulsion of my marble body, and as I finally descended from the heights, very slowly and leisurely, there was someone waiting for me, ready to meet and welcome me back even when we never had parted, the hold he had on me never being loosened.

His lips were hot on my skin as his own extremity neared, his motions becoming more hurried, more desperate. His hands stroked the back of my head before grasping my shoulders, then fumbling against the ground under us, and I all too well knew the need to hold on to something, to hold on to anything because of the sensations that were going to sweep him away.

I did what he had done to me during my moment of culmination. I grasped at his searching, desperate hands, bringing them to rest on the sides of my neck. The snow stuck to his palms and the tips of his fingers, our heated passion almost making the cold crystals melt.

"I want to feel you," I whispered in his ear, feeling him tearing his hands from the sides of my neck and gripping my wrists hard enough to cause pain.

But there was no pain - there was only Carlisle's despair and urgency, the intense frown on his face as he groaned, the flash of his white teeth as his mouth fell open from the power of the sensations rushing through him.

"Bella," he groaned, his voice breathless and unstable. "_Bella.._."

"Carlisle," I whispered in his ear. "You make me _burn_."

He shuddered, a guttural sound making his lips vibrate as they pressed against my neck. After the shuddering his pale muscles went rigid, another desperate sound of indulgence escaping from his lips and brushing against my skin as he collapsed.

For a moment only the sound of our heavy breathing was heard, the sounds disappearing into the night and uniting with the silence.

The tight grip around my wrists loosened, replaced by the feel of Carlisle's lips against the pale skin as he brought both of my wrists on his mouth, kissing and caressing my sensivite skin as if to apologize his fierce hold a moment ago.

But he had no need to apologize. I more than enjoyed the rapid, warm breaths that left his chest, revealing me the intensity of the sensations he had gone through. And I had more than enjoyed his fingers pressing against the spot where the throb of my racing heart should have been pulsing.

But there were no throbbing hearts in this breathless night or ours. No breakable skin flushed with warm blood, no caution or mortality, no secrets or obscurity.

There was only us, our silent hearts and the echoes of our rapid breathing. Our marble skins pressed against each other with our limbs tangled and entwined. And only the moon and the stars bore witness to our moment of tenderness, casting their light that was suddenly very unnecessary. Because we were both enlightened, illuminated.

And the light of the stars had been very bright to the both of us, even if we hadn't taken one glance upon the night sky.

* * *

**AN:** Eeks.

There you go, the first love scene between B/C, and also the first love scene I've ever written. It was surprisingly difficult to write it. I had this accurate image in my mind what I wanted it to be like, and after four days of pulling my hair and raving out of frustration, I'm finally satisfied with it. I don't know if it was too soon for them to accomplish this - actually I planned it to happen even a little earlier, but then decided to postpone it. And now it felt like a good moment for them to reach this level of intimacy.

The song Emmett is singing at the beginning is _I wanna hold your hand_ by _The Beatles_.

This chapter was originally longer, and I had to split it into two because there's a lot going on, so be prepared for another BPOV in chapter 40.

By the way... I had this interesting e-mail one day; apparently this story has been nominated for the Non-canon Awards. I don't know much about the fanfiction nomination things, but I know enough to be flattered. I'm extremely flattered - when I read the e-mail I was like 'Whoa!'

So check out the other nominees and vote for your favourite once the voting begins :) All the other B/C stories are definitely on my reading list.

www . thenon-canonawards . blogspot . com .


	40. Chapter 40: Shades

**Stephenie Meyer owns Twilight :)**

* * *

**I play dead.**

**It stops the hurting.**

- Björk -

* * *

**Shades**

BPOV

"How are you?"

Carlisle's lips brushed lighty against my shoulder and neck, his hand leaving my chest momentarily to brush a strand of hair behind my ear.

He did that a lot - there had been a certain tenderness in his touches during the last hours as we had been lying on the white ground, basking in the afterglow of our passion.

I enjoyed the warmth of his chest behind my back, shifting slightly and pressing against him to feel more of his marble skin.

"How do you think I am?" I asked quietly, the smile in my voice sounding very contended even in my own ears.

His hand returned to rest on my chest again, his fingers grazing lightly against my other breast. There wasn't anything sexual about the way he touched me like that in this moment. There was only tenderness and affection, combined with an intimacy we had never shared before in this degree.

His nose pressed lightly against my shoulder, his words tickling my skin as his lips ghosted above it.

"I'm hoping that you are well," he said quietly. "But worrying if you are not."

I caught his fingers that were drawing small circles above my quiet heart, and brought his hand to my mouth, kissing it lightly.

"I'm very well," I assured, turning my head a bit to give him a smile. "How couldn't I be?"

A soft kiss on my shoulder, accompanied with a light air current.

"Are you well?" I asked in return, a tremble traveling through my spine as Carlisle's breath brushed against my neck, his fingers returning to draw those circles on my chest again.

"Sweetheart," he whispered. "Trust me when I say, that I have never been more well than I am right now."

It was silent again, because it was simply so comfortable that way. And the silence gave me a good opportunity to enjoy the emotions his words caused in me.

"What are you thinking?" I asked after a few minutes, asking him the question he had asked from me dozens of times before.

"That's my line," Carlisle reproached with a smile in his voice. Another kiss on my neck, another circle above my heart.

"Well I stole it," I remarked very quietly. "Like you stole my heart."

It was amazing how easy and hard it was to let those words slide from my lips. Effortless, and still so very challenging at the same time.

"I apologize," Carlisle murmured, amused. "I only meant to borrow it for a while."

"Technically you should give it back, then," I chuckled, and hoping that he wouldn't.

"I'm afraid I cannot do that," Carlisle whispered, his amused tone laced with a sudden stability. "But if you will grant me your permission, I will retain it for a while longer."

I pretended to ponder, earning another chuckle from him. "I guess it's fine," I answered eventually. "May I ask for how long?"

Another kiss on my shoulder, another circle against my sensitive skin. "Hmm," he hummed with his tenor. "For tonight?" he contemplated. "Perhaps... another month?" A warm kiss behind my ear. "Forever?"

His words made me warm inside, at the same time making me feel slightly incapable. His words had been said partially with amusement, but there was that same solidity in them again. And I knew he had meant every word, and that there was no struggle for him to say those things.

It was so different for me.

"Well see," I whispered, continuing our playful conversation, and at the same time hoping that I could make those declarations of devotion to him someday as easily as he made them. Because he deserved to hear those things.

The clouds covered the moon momentarily, making the scenery change colours. It reminded me of the fact that we would have to return to the others eventually as the day dawned, and I wasn't ready to leave Carlisle's warm embrace yet.

A soft sigh escaped my mouth and Carlisle noticed it - of course he noticed it. He noticed everything.

"Is something troubling you?" he asked gently, tightening his arms around me.

"Time," I answered honestly. "I just want to stay here, and not go back yet."

"We don't have to go back yet."

I frowned, tilting my head slightly to see Carlisle's golden eyes. "But... You'll have to leave for the hospital in a few hours," I mumbled, confused.

"Actually I don't," he whispered, the small amusement combining with contentment. "It's my day off. My next shift doesn't start until the evening."

Triumph made my heart leap. "Really?" I asked, not bothering to tone down the delightment in my voice.

"Yes," Carlisle whispered, his lips ghosting above my neck. "I switched shifts with someone yesterday."

"Oh?" I asked teasingly. "Are you saying that you had planned this little activity of ours tonight?" I asked, and I really couldn't be at all resentful if he had.

"I don't plan things," he corrected softly. "I carry them out."

I laughed, nudging his chest with my elbow very carefully. "Aren't you self-confident," I remarked.

He chuckled, his lips brushing against the back of my neck again.

His arms around me tightened for a while as he drew in a deep breath agaist my neck. Another kiss, another circle on my skin.

After a minute or two I heard him drawing in a breath again to speak, only to hesitate after opening his mouth. His fingers danced on my collarbone, the movement somehow distressed.

Again he inhaled, and I expected him to say something, but once again he stayed silent.

"What?" I asked softly, wondering what made him so uneasy.

His nose pressed lightly against my shoulder, his lips sweeping my skin as he summoned the words.

"I was only wondering," he began, hesitating again.

"Yeah?"

He cleared his throat - a certain sign that always revealed his uncertainty to me.

"I was only wondering how... familiar," he began again, "this particular activity is to you?"

His question baffled me momentarily, and I idly wondered how many times he had speculated the number of my former lovers. A few vague human memories rose into my mind from the time I had been less rational and more lonely. Less whole.

"I know it's not my place to ask," he whispered quietly against my shoulder, his tone apologizing.

"It's fine," I muttered, thinking of a way to give him an answer. I was more than glad to leave those hazy human memories behind me, wanting to forget how irrational and careless I had been.

But I had had every reason to be careless, and no reason to act rationally.

I took a deep breath, Carlisle's unique scent mixing with the fresh mountain air. "It's not that unfamiliar," I confessed quietly, and hoped that he wouldn't think that I was somehow obscene. The truth was that those human experiences meant nothing to me - it had only been about two miserable people trying to find some sort of alleviation in each other, having a chance to temporarily forget everything, and I had usually been more or less inebriated during those dark hours.

"I don't like to talk about it," I continued, Carlisle's silence both worrying and bringing relief to me.

His arm tightened around me, and I heard him drawing a deep breath again. There was tenseness in his voice as his lips brushed against my shoulder. "Did someone hurt you?" he asked, holding his breath.

"No," I said quickly, realising that he must have misunderstood my lack of enthusiasm to talk about it. "It wasn't like that."

He relaxed noticeably, his warm breath brushing my neck.

"I... " I licked my lips, wanting to offer him something if the matter bothered him. I wasn't used to share any personal pieces about myself. It was difficult even in Carlisle's presence. And having to talk about the darkest periods of time during my life didn't certainly ease the situation.

"I wasn't myself during those times," I explained quietly. "Or I was, in a way. I don't know," I mumbled.

He had stopped breathing - I didn't know if he did it because he focused on listening, or because he didn't want to disturb me.

"It's complicated," I stated, the short sentence sounding like a cliche by now.

"I see," Carlisle answered quietly, and I wondered if he did. "I don't resent your past, Bella, or the situations you've been in. You don't have to fear that I judge you somehow, " he said softly. "I only regret that you were left alone to deal with the troubling thoughts, and the events you've had to face."

A mental image of myself drifted into my mind. I saw myself reflected from a mirror, my hollow eyes staring at a pale pink rose that I held between my fingers. I didn't know where I had gotten it - maybe someone of Reneé's friends had given it to me.

I remembered that the day had been quite warm, but I had been very cold in my black skirt and blouse. And I also remembered that the rose had had a very sharp thorn - it had pricked me, and that small drop of flowing blood had been the only thing to tell me that I was still alive. And every time when someone had walked over to me, giving condolences, I had pressed my finger against the tiny cut.

It had brought relief, that minuscule twinge of pain.

I blinked the foggy memories away, wishing I never had to return to them.

Carlisle was quiet, still waiting that his words affected me somehow.

I shrugged in his embrace. "I pulled through," I anwered lamely.

Carlisle's tone was cautious, as if he expected me to get angry. "Have you?" he asked. His question almost negated every effort I had made to keep myself intact.

But I wasn't intact - I was only very good at pretending to be.

"Sometimes I think that I have," I whispered.

Carlisle's fingers moved to brush my hair gently. "And other times?" he asked softly.

"I'm not the only one who's had hard times," I pointed out, avoiding his question. "That's how life is."

Carlisle shifted slightly, raising himself so he could see me better. "Life is about other things as well," he reminded gently. "It might not seem that way to you, considering how many difficulties it has presented during these last years. And you were alone all that time."

I avoided his eyes, reaching out to brush my fingers lightly against his shoulder. "You were alone, too," I noted, remembering our gathering in the kitchen a few days ago, when he had told about his lonely months before coming to Vancouver.

Carlisle grasped my fingers, bringing my hand to his mouth and running his lips over my knuckles. "I wasn't truly alone," he corrected. "I always had someone to go to, someone to talk to when I felt like it; I had friends and family members by my side."

He released my fingers, his own pale digits grasping a thin lock of my hair and running it over my cheek. It tickled.

"I don't know what you want me to say," I said quietly. "I don't know what you expect from me." My eyes avoided his golden ones, studying the night sky above us. "If you want to hear me say that I was miserable - "

Carlisle's face contorted slighty, and his expression was very regretful. I fell silent, confused that I had made him feel that way.

"I didn't mean to distress you," he said, literally taking the words out of my mouth; it should have been me saying that to him. "I understand that there are tender topics you don't wish to discuss." His thumb brushed against my chin. "I only worry about you sometimes. That's all."

He waited until I ventured to meet his gaze. The golden pools of sunshine held nothing but affection, devotion he had granted to me even if I hadn't made an effort to gain it.

Did I give him that same devotion? Did I make him feel the way he made me feel? Did he feel like he had been redeemed, that there was someone in this world that cared about him, as fervently and profoundly as he seemed to care about me?

Suddenly I was appalled; what if he didn't? What if he didn't know how much he meant to me? Only because once again I hadn't made an effort to prove that to him.

"I get if you worry," I whispered, turning slightly until I was lying on my back. Carlisle's grey cardigan was still spread under my body. It was yet another reminder of his pursue to spare me from any discomfort.

His fingers came to brush my jaw as he leaned over me, a tender expression on his face.

"I wish I wouldn't make you worry that much," I continued.

"I only do so because I care," he said softly, his forefinger studying the shape of my lower lip.

"I know that," I whispered. I licked my lips nervously, the words tumbling out of my mouth before I had the chance to chicken out. "And I hope that you know that... I'm grateful, even if I don't seem that way. And you have to know that I care, too. About you."

The look in his eyes was very soft - his expression resembled the one a parent might have after hearing a child saying the first word.

And I wondered if it was like that for him. After all, I had never been the one with words. I had never had the guts to tell him what his presence caused in me, how much his existence meant to me.

Because the weight of such a huge importance had never caused anything good. I always found myself collecting the pieces of my heart, whether it was in the dark forest being left behind and forgotten, or beside a headstone trying to ignore the familiar names carved on the cold surface.

And I was afraid of that. Afraid of that situation, afraid of having to say goodbye. The venom stung my eyes when I thought about the possibility of being separated from Carlisle, my dry tear ducts trying to form the salty liquid that couldn't exist in my body.

"What makes you so sad?" Carlisle asked, the sudden change in my behaviour clearly concerning him. I couldn't really blame him - one moment I was making a feeble effort trying to tell him how much he meant to me, and the next second I was striving to hold on to the last piece of sanity I had left.

"You'll never leave me, won't you?" I whispered quietly, suddenly feeling the need to hear him say it. As if he hadn't already given enough of himself.

"Of course not," Carlisle breathed, a humorless chuckle escaping his lips. "I'd rather burn in the fires of purgatory for a thousand years than spend one day away from you."

The emotion in his eyes made me warm and I savored it, capturing the image of Carlisle leaning over me while the moon and the stars shone above him against the dark sky. And I concealed that small moment, harboring it inside my tattered heart and feeling how the ragged edges were slowly beginning to heal.

Two shorts words danced on my tongue, and as I expected those cracked corners of my heart starting to break open again after saying those words, I was surprised that they didn't.

"Me, too," I whispered to him.

And I hoped he knew that I meant it.

* * *

"What have you two been doin'?"

Emmett's grin almost made his face split when we returned with Carlisle hours later. The day had already dawned, taking away the silvery moon and magical night, and covering the sky with a thick veil of clouds like the night hadn't even existed.

Except it had existed - a shiver ran through me as the vivid memories of Carlisle's warm breath on my skin conquered me, along with the silky locks of hair under my fingers...

Jasper threw a curious glance at me, looking both amused and slightly uncomfortable.

Carlisle chuckled quietly beside me, making his way across the living room and sitting on the couch. He looked awfully contended.

I cleared my throat, ignoring Emmett's harassing. "Has anyone seen the newspaper?" I asked to have something to say.

Emmett laughed, the sound low and full of mischief. He reached toward the table and grabbed the newspaper before I had the chance to use it as a distraction.

"Since when have you cared about reading a newspaper?" he asked, rolling the _Vancouver Sun_ in his fingers and making it into a cone.

"What do you mean?" I asked. "Are you trying to imply that I don't follow the world events?" I took a few steps closer to him, holding out my hand to take the paper. Emmett pulled it back, keeping it out of my reach.

"When it comes to implying things, you should know that I haven't even begun," he stated with a teasing glimmer in his eyes. I didn't know if it was a threat or a promise.

I expected the heat to flush my cheeks after hearing his comments, but I could only bite my lip while trying not to show him my self-consciousness.

"Fine," I sniped. "Keep your paper." I turned and circled the coffee table, curling beside Carlisle on the couch. His arm came around me, and he gave me a symphatetic look. But the sides of his lips trembled and quirked, and he didn't seem at all bothered by Emmett's comments - it only seemed to amuse him immensely.

"Where are Rosalie and Alice?" Carlisle asked, observing as Jasper and Emmett begun to play chess. Emmett was so going to lose - no one could beat Jasper. Not even Alice.

"They went for a hunt," Emmett answered innocently, throwing a look at Carlisle and smiling widely. "And made sure to stay away from the direction you two had disappeared."

Jasper snickered.

Carlisle only smiled shortly, and I wondered where he got that amount of patience. He leaned forward to grab a medical journal from the table, propping it against his knee and starting to read. I tried to read a few articles myself as I leaned my head against his shoulder, but once the concepts started to go over my head, I stopped.

Instead I focused on the intrigued gleam in Carlisle's eyes, enjoying the way his brow creased slightly when he came across something new and interesting.

He sensed my stare, turning his head and giving me a curious smile.

"Stop drooling Bella," Emmett teased across the room. I threw him a glare, wishing I had something more sharp to throw at him. Like an axe or something.

Alice and Rosalie returned moments later, both of them giving us a smug glance. I found myself speculating on how detailed Alice's visions were, but stopped myself after a moment, deciding that I didn't want to know.

The next few hours were quite nice, once I learned to block Emmett's voice out of my mind. After losing the chess game to Jasper his innuendos became more and more bold and accurate while my patience ran more thin.

Carlisle either ignored the comments or smiled rather indulgently, radiating contentment and simple happiness. And I decided to try that as well, forgetting Emmett's teasing and simply enjoying Carlisle's proximity, returning to my memories of the last night from time to time.

I wondered if Carlisle thought about last night as well. The smile on his lips was quite peculiar, and I noticed his eyes darkening barely noticeably every once in a while.

The sound of the flat screen combined with the casual coversation as Jasper and Emmett started to compare the most powerful gifts the vampires around the world possessed, pondering which one was the most useful.

"Aro's power is quite impressive," Jasper declared. "But still quite limited. He has to be able to touch the person to use his gift."

"He's the one who can learn every thought a person has had during one's life?" I asked, remembering someone telling me about him once.

"Yes," Jasper nodded. "Very impressive, but limited as I said. It'd be more useful if he could use it from a distance, such as Marcus. Although I have to admit that it would be kind of chaotic."

I had to agree, wondering what it would be like to have several people's thoughts and memories implanted in my mind during the same second.

"What can Marcus do?" I asked, thinking about Jasper's earlier comment.

Carlisle tucked a lock of hair behind my ear. "He can see the binding ties between people. He recognizes the types of relationships, and is able to sense loyalty and devotion or the lack of it," he explained. "It's quite useful for the Volturi - if someone's loyalty among the guard is wavering, Marcus can sense it."

"Huh." I frowned, my mind recalling the image of the painting that hung on the wall of Carlisle's study. "What about the man with white hair?" I asked. "Caius? What's his power?"

"He doesn't have one," Alice joined the conversation, turning the page of _Vogue._

"But I thought that they only value those vampires who have some special ability," I said, confused.

"That's true," Carlisle answered. "Caius doesn't have any psychic gift, but Aro was... drawn to his ambition and passionate capacity to hate." Carlisle's chuckle was a little rueful.

"I wonder what makes him so full of wrath," Emmett pondered.

"It could be that Carlisle's theory about bringing certain traits from human life is correct," Jasper stated. "Maybe he's always been like that, even as a human."

"I wonder what quality was enhanced during Bella's transformation," Emmett teased again. "I mean, I obviously brought my strength, Alice has her visions and the general ability to annoy people..." he threw Alice a harassing smile before continuing. Alice sighed and ignored him.

"Jasper can make you happy - if he wants to - and Rosalie is... very resilient and persistent..." Rosalie huffed on the second floor, then chuckled at Emmett's description.

"Nice save," I remarked, causing Carlisle to laugh softly.

"... Carlisle is compassionate," Emmett continued like he hadn't even heard. "And I wonder; what did you bring?"

"My sarcasm," I quipped, grinning at him. "Isn't that obvious?"

"Sarcasm," Emmett mumbled. "So cool."

"Well it would be a lot cooler if I could make your head explode with the power of my mind," I admitted, my tone dreamy.

Emmett pretended to be offended. "Ouch. How come you're so mean?"

"The gift of sarcasm," I shrugged. "Seriously, Emmett. You have got to pay attention."

Laughter echoed in the room for a while, and Emmett grumbled something under his breath. It sounded something like having a difficulty to wait until he could beat me in a wrestling match, but I couldn't be sure.

Later during the afternoon Carlisle and I secluded ourselves into the peaceful atmosphere of his study. It was so calming just to sit together on the couch, and enjoy the few hours we had together.

I drew in the musky scent of his grey cardigan, remembering how the material had tickled under my back last night. The memory sent shivers up my spine.

"Do you ever miss them?" I asked, pointing at the large painting that adorned the wall of his study.

"The Volturi?" Carlisle asked, his fingers brushing my neck and sneaking under my collar to draw patterns on my skin. "I can't say that I miss them," he answered, pondering. "I was intrigued to spend those few short decades with them. But as much as I yearned for the company of the creatures like myself, I couldn't have lived in a world such as theirs."

"Because they feed on humans?" I asked, studying the milky red eyes on the painting, and idly wondering how they arranged their hunts. The thought made me shiver, causing Carlisle to knead my shoulders soothingly.

"It was one of the reasons," he answered softly.

I studied the row of the vampires, my eyes finding the man with black hair and bored expression.

"I have a question," I declared. "Why does he," I pointed at the man with translucent skin with my finger, "looks so bored? Almost sad?"

"Marcus?" Carlisle asked, his expression turning solemn. "He's always been that way. Well, not always." He frowned, making me wonder the story behind his words.

"Aro had a younger sister once," Carlisle started to tell. "He changed her into a vampire after a decade and half after being one himself, hoping that his sister would attain a useful talent such as he had. He did so in hope to increase the number of talented vampires in his coven."

"Did she show any talent?" I asked.

Carlisle nodded, looking a bit sad. "She did. Didyme had the ability to make people around her very happy. And she made Marcus extremely happy; they fell in love, without a doubt being mated."

"What happened?" I asked, wondering if the story had a bad turn - Carlisle certainly looked woeful.

"Marcus and Didyme began planning to leave the Volturi together. The domination of the vampire world wasn't that much of an importance to them any longer. But something happened - during a battle with another coven, Didyme lost her life."

"That's awful," I breathed, and couldn't help but feel bad for the man with dark hair - having to live for the whole eternity without the love of his life. "So he stayed with Aro and Caius," I stated.

Carlisle frowned slightly. "He had no wish to live without his mate, and he became suicidal. But Aro prevented him from doing anything to end his life. With Chelsea's talents he tied Marcus to the Volturi, forever."

It was my turn to frown. "Chelsea?" I asked.

"Chelsea - Charmion was her name when I first met her - is able to manipulate relationships in the same way Jasper can manipulate emotions. She can create very strong bonds between people, and sever them if she wishes." Carlisle's golden eyes drifted to the painting again, his expression mixed with different emotions. "It's a powerful gift, and eventually it prevented Marcus from leaving the Volturi. But he will never be the same, never able to forget."

_"I won't forget."_

Carlisle's words caused a vague human memory to rouse in my mind. The voice in my memories was obscure - my human mind hadn't been quite able to capture the smoothness in it.

But Edward's words I couldn't forget. Those last few words he had said to me before he had left. I would always shelter those words and memories, even when I had never allowed myself to think about them.

_"I won't forget,"_ he had said. _"But my kind... we are very easily distracted." _His tranquil smile in my mind was even more hazy, a pure mockery of the crooked grin I had loved so much.

_"That's everything, I suppose. We won't bother you again."_

Carlisle's hand on my shoulder made me jump lightly, so immersed I was in my dim memories. Dark memories.

"What's wrong?" he asked, his golden eyes worried.

I shook away the emotions, wanting to rid myself of the wistfulness.

"So... he couldn't ever forget Didyme?" I asked, a little confused. Edward's words caused a conflict - he had said that vampires were easily distracted.

"No," Carlisle answered, his frown deepening. "The bond between mates is so strong that it's almost impossible to recover from the loss, let alone to forget."

I was silent for a while, trying to consume all the information I had received during the last hours; it was surprisingly easy. Luckily the mind of a vampire was so... spacious.

_"Goodbye, Bella."_

Edwards words echoed in my mind again, triggering another swirl of confusing emotions and thoughts.

"Bella?" Carlisle asked. "What are you thinking?"

I licked my lips, wondering how to ask my question discreetly enough.

"If Marcus can't forget, does it mean that he can never care about anyone else?" I asked, speaking slowly.

"Not in the same way he cared for his mate," Carlisle answered, his hand brushing against my shoulder. I could feel his gaze on me as he studied my expression - I didn't know what I looked like, but I could only assume that I seemed troubled.

"What confuses you so?" Carlisle asked, pressing a soft kiss on my temple before pulling back to observe me.

"It's just that... " I bit my lip, once again looking for a discreet way to explain. "Edward once said that vampires are easily distracted," I revealed, deciding that honesty was the best way now. "And if the bond between mates is so strong, why would he say that? I don't understand it."

Carlisle's mouth was slightly open as he frowned, like I had spoken gibberish.

"Neither can I," he said eventually. "He knew how these things work. I can't think of any reason he would say that." His golden eyes studied me again, a sudden curiosity in the golden pools of light.

"Can you remember the situation? When he said that?" he asked.

Oh I could remember - no matter how hard I tried not to. I bit my lip again, shrugging and avoiding his gaze. "It was something he said before he left," I mumbled evasively.

_"Goodbye, Bella."_

Shut up.

"You mean when he left Forks?" Carlisle asked softly. "When _we_ left?" he corrected.

Speaking about this made me uneasy. I just wanted to leave that all behind, and it's not like it mattered anymore. And telling about it felt like I was dishonoring Edward somehow.

"Bella?"

I sighed, shrugging. "Yeah, I guess," I brushed it off, thinking quickly of a way to change the subject.

But Carlisle's attention wasn't so easily averted from the topic.

"What exactly did he tell you?" he asked, a deep frown creasing his forehead.

"I don't remember that much," I lied quickly. Carlisle's gaze captured me, and he stared at me relentlessly until I gave up.

"He just tried to comfort me by saying that I would forget him easily. And then he said that _he_ wouldn't forget, but he could be easily distracted otherwise." I shook my head, feeling very uncomfortable. The silence of the house was more prominent now, and I knew that the others had stopped their activities to listen our conversation - on purpose or not.

"I don't want to talk about this," I said quietly. "It doesn't matter anymore. And I don't want to stain his memory by saying bad things about him."

Carlisle took a deep breath. "I understand that," he answered. He was quiet for a while, studying the dark material of the couch. "But I really wish he hadn't said such a thing."

I did, too.

_"Goodbye, Bella."_

Suddenly the room seemed too small. Carlisle's study had always been a place of calm to me, but now I found myself feeling cornered. I drew in a deep breath to calm my nerves, but not even the smell of books or Carlisle's unique scent was able to soothe me.

_"Goodbye, Bella."_

Before I even realised, I had pushed myself away from Carlisle's side, and within a second I was standing at the door.

"I need some air," I whispered, glancing at him quickly.

His expression was a mix of confusion and hurt, and I turned my eyes away from him quickly. "I won't go far," I promised, feeling the need to give him something.

Not bothering to go downstairs, I made my way straight to my room and opened the door of the balcony.

The ground under my feet was moist and slightly slippery as I jumped down, starting to make my way towards the forest.

I didn't know why the memories of Edward's departure assaulted me that way - why now? Of course I had thought of him during these last few weeks. And a part of me _had_ already left all that behind - I didn't want to hold any grudge towards a person who wasn't no longer walking on this earth.

And besides, when I met Carlisle in Vancouver all those months ago, he had said that Edward left to protect me. That he had left because he cared about me. Shouldn't it have negated and erased all those things Edward had said before he had left? Shouldn't it be more easy to breathe now, knowing that he hadn't meant those things?

_"You... don't... want me?"_

_"No."_

Then why did it hurt so much?

_"Goodbye, Bella."_

The tree trunk was hard against my back as I leaned against it. My body was as strong and intact as it had been earlier, but it wasn't the lack of any physical strength that made me sink towards the ground. The air around me was still air, the wind bringing fresh breezes into my notrils; oxygen that I didn't need to survive, but still a necessity that prevented me from suffocating.

It took me a moment to ensure that I stayed afloat, and a little while longer to keep the voices and memories away. A small part of my mind whispered advices into my ear, telling me that it wouldn't get better until I had faced all those images and words. I believed that voice, and at the same time I didn't.

The only voice I wanted to hear couldn't be heard now. It made me wonder why Carlisle hadn't come after me already.

But after the thought came the twinge of guilt as I remembered the hurt in his eyes. I had left so abruptly, pushing him away when he surely would have wanted to help me.

It wasn't fair of me to expect him to come and seek me out, time after time. I couldn't take him for granted that way - it was me who should go to him.

But would he understand? Would he understand the waves of darkness, the echoes and whispers from the past - the things that haunted me, the things I wanted to forget but I was unable to. The things I had thought that had been already dealt with, but instead I always found them in front of me, blocking my path.

I lifted myself up from the moist ground, wiping my jeans to get rid of the pine needles and dirt. And then I made my way back to the house that luckily wasn't so quiet. The sounds of the flat screen and quiet chatter could be heard.

Instead of jumping to the balcony and sneaking into my room, I used the front door - it was a symbolic gesture.

Carlisle wasn't in his study where he had been as I had left, and I tried not to let the worry engulf me when I directed my steps towards his bedroom at the end of the hallway. The door was cracked open, and I peeked inside cautiously.

Carlisle stood in front of the glass wall with his back to me, his eyes glued to the mountains before him. The grey light the afternoon sky casted upon the forest made the scenery look cold and uninviting.

The room was far from cold and uninviting, despite of the cool color of the walls and ceiling. But there was something icy in the way Carlisle stood his back towards me, and I felt guilty again for offending him.

He sensed my presence, turning to me with a cautious smile. His eyes studied me carefully as he held out his arm, inviting me to come closer.

I let out the breath I hadn't known I had been holding, walking slowly across the room and taking his hand.

Our skins touched, and it was just so right. It was as if my heart had been divided into two halves, and Carlisle held the other piece.

"I'm sorry," I apologized right away, meeting his golden eyes. He frowned slightly, stepping closer to brush a strand of hair behind my ear.

"For what?" he asked.

I bit my lip, the marble skin between my sharp teeth prickling. "Because I left so abruptly. I didn't mean to offend you."

He wore that small smile again, his expression compassionate and understanding as ever.

"You didn't offend me," he said softly. "I only worry if it was something I said that made you feel so distressed."

I shook my head, holding on to his hand. Then I took a deep breath, wanting to give him some explanation.

But Carlisle pulled me down to sit on the bed before I had the chance to start. He watched me closely, his fingers brushing the hair away from my neck to reveal the skin.

"Edward's departure from Forks still bothers you," he stated quietly. "Our departure." It wasn't a question or accusation. Only a simple statement.

"I don't know," I said quietly, trying to stifle the spontaneous instinct to deny his words. "At times I think that I've already left that all behind. And because it's in the past, I shouldn't wallow in those things."

"What's happened in your past makes you the person you are now. Our past always has some impact on us, more or less."

I didn't know if his words comforted me. I didn't want my past to define me, and he made it sound like it did.

"And you can't move on until you've processed those things that bother you," he reminded gently, his fingers continuing to knead the skin of my neck. "And I think that you have neglected that phase in fear of hurting."

I stared at the dark floor made of wood, my eyes picking the small creases on the brittle material.

"There's nothing wrong with avoiding the suffering," Carlisle continued softly. "It's instinctual, and sometimes very necessary. But you have to remember that sometimes it has to get worse before it can get better."

"What if it won't get better?"

The words escaped from my lips without any conscious decision, and it took me a moment to realise that it had actually been me talking.

Carlisle's nose pressed against the hollow of my neck, his words tickling my skin. "You keep breathing," he said quietly. "Until it gets easier."

Something told me that he spoke from experience.

I leaned my head against his, enjoying the feel of his silky hair beneath my cheek.

"I don't know why I keep thinking about those things," I confessed quietly. The words flowed from my mouth like a poison, and I kept talking even if the small voice in my head tried to silence me - it was never good if I revealed too much. It would backfire eventually. It always did.

"I was able to go on for months and years to an end without thinking about those memories. I don't know why it all comes back now, just when I feel that I have a chance to achieve some sort of balance with myself," I whispered.

Carlisle drew in a deep breath, lifting his head from my neck and gazing at me. "Maybe that's part of the process," he said gently. "You can't find balance until you've dealt with the matters that weight you down somehow." He picked a lock of my hair between his fingers, bringing the tuft of dark hair to my cheek and brushing it gently against my skin. "Wouldn't you tell me about that day?" he requested quietly. "When we left you?"

I was torn between two urges. I wanted give him a satisfying answer because he deserved one, and at the same time I was thinking of a convenient way to avoid his question.

"I don't need a shrink," I said quietly, my tone slightly too sharp and snappy even in my own ears. It made me feel even worse - Carlisle only wanted to help.

"Of course you don't," he answered gently, his composed demeanor never wavering even after my rude words. His other hand was prying my fingers open - I hadn't realised that I was squeezing my hands into fists. "And I'm certainly not one. I'm asking this as your friend."

He continued playing with the lock of my hair, brushing it against my cheek and lips. Like he was in no hurry - he seemed like he could sit there for ten years drawing those small patterns on my skin, and he wouldn't get sick of it.

"I don't remember that much," I answered, not completely honest.

Another brush of hair against my cheek.

"Well, I do," I confessed eventually. "But the things I remember are a bit obscure." I swallowed, the venom stinging my eyes. "I don't know if it makes things easier or harder."

"Why would it make it easier?" Carlisle asked, the lock of my hair traveling over my nose to draw circles on my other cheek. The light touch calmed me involuntarily, and before I even realised I had closed my eyes.

"Because sometimes I don't want to remember," I answered simply. "And at the same time I can't forget. Because if I do, I can't cherish those few memories I have of him."

Carlisle was silent, as if he was afraid to disrupt my flow of words.

"I don't want to be angry or bitter," I continued. "And I'm not. I don't know why I can't let it pass."

Carlisle breathed in deeply, letting the strand of hair fall from his grasp.

"You were hurt by Edward's actions," he stated softly. "By our actions, when we left. And something he said to you the day he left has remained with you ever since."

_"You're not good for me, Bella."_

"Does it have something to do with his words, when he said that vampires are easily distracted?" Carlisle asked, oblivious of the silent whispers in my mind.

I had to keep breathing - isn't that what Carlisle had said I should do?

"I tried to follow him," I whispered.

Behind my closed eyelids, engulfed in the safe darkness, I could easily imagine Carlisle's frown. He raised his hand on my shoulder, speaking quietly.

"To where?" he asked, confused.

Wet bracken, hard ground under my palms as I stumbled - I couldn't remember every minute of my desperate journey through the forest. Time hadn't mattered.

"Into the woods." I opened my eyes, the darkness behind my eyelids starting to resemble my hazy memories too much.

Carlisle was silent for a while, his hand on my shoulder staying still until he started to stroke my back soothingly. "You went after him into the woods?" he asked, and I started to regret that involuntary confession. "Did you find back home?"

"I fell asleep. Someone found me." I didn't know which part of my brain was running my lips, and I bit my tongue to stop myself from saying anything else.

I had never talked about this - I had never even considered thinking about it.

Carlisle was quiet for a very long time. As was the rest of the house - a jolt of fright ran through me when I realised that the others must still be within hearing range.

"It doesn't matter anymore," I said quickly. This conversation was too much to me, and I almost felt ashamed that I brought up those old issues, the things that should be forgotten, left buried.

Carlisle's golden eyes stared at the blue bedspread and he licked his lips quickly. "You fell asleep... in the middle of the woods?" he asked, ignoring my latter comment. His voice was smooth and stable, like he was discussing about the weather. But there was something hidden in his tone, like a veiled dismay.

"I got tired," I explained quickly, hoping that he would let it be. I was so mad at myself for bringing this up - I should have bit my tongue off before I started blurting out those things. What would the others think, what would Carlisle think?

"But it doesn't matter anymore," I said again, hoping that I could still save the situation even if I couldn't erase my words or turn back time. "I know I shouldn't have said anything and I'm sorry. I know I dishonor Edward by talking about it and I didn't mean to - "

Carlisle stood up from the bed so quickly that it startled me. His eyes snapped back to me, and he lowered himself on his knees in front of me, taking my hands in his.

"Bella," he said, his tone almost appalled. "Believe me when I tell you that I didn't have the slightlest idea that he ended it with you that way."

His words surprised me so much that no words came out.

"If I had known..." Carlisle released my other hand, running his fingers through his hair. The movement was stressed and frustrated.

"It doesn't matter," I said for the third time. The feeling of relief was intoxicating when I realised he wasn't mad at me, and all I now wanted to do was to forget everything.

"Of course it matters," Carlisle disagreed softly, rubbing his eyes and forehead like he was tired. "Bella, there is no apology that would suffice," he whispered.

"You don't have to apologize," I tried.

Carlisle shook his head, lifting himself up from the floor and sitting down next to me again. "Dear God in Heaven," he murmured to himself, pinching the bridge of his nose.

"Please," I asked. "Let's just forget this, okay? It makes me very uncomfortable."

I didn't know if it was my rare, straightforward words that made Carlisle focus on me again, but he looked back at me, drawing me against his side. He let out a deep breath, brushing his fingers up and down my arm.

"I understand if you don't wish to discuss it," he said quietly. "And I understand if it makes you feel that you're dishonoring Edward by talking about this. But please try to understand _me_, Bella - words cannot describe how I wish he hadn't left you in the middle of the woods."

"But he didn't," I insisted. "He left me right there on the trail, but I was stupid and started to stray and made it even harder than it was."

"But you weren't hurt? How long were you out there?"

I shook my head. "I was fine," I insisted, any physical injury I could have gotten never surpassing the emotional pain I had been in. "I don't know how much time passed. Someone took me home - it was dark... I can't remember his name."

Carlisle's nose pressed against my temple and he took a deep breath. "Thank you for telling me this," he whispered quietly. "I never knew how he told you..."

"It's over," I said as quietly. "I don't want to think about it anymore. I don't want to carry any resenment towards him."

"I know." Carlisle kissed my cheek, pulling me even closer to his side as if I wasn't close enough. "And I know that this must have been a difficult matter to talk about. But I'm glad that you did." He pulled slightly away from me, tilting my chin so I would look into his eyes. "We both want to value and cherish those memories we have of him. There is nothing wrong with that. I only wish that he hadn't said goodbye the way he did."

"I know."

I leaned my head against his shoulder, drawing in his musky scent. And I felt... more peaceful. The dark whispers in my mind quieted, fading into the background, staying hidden but not completely gone. And I wondered if they could ever disappear, and should I simply have to find a way to learn to live with those quiet voices.

Carlisle's arm came around me, pulling me closer.

And I kept breathing. It was all I could do.

* * *

"I couldn't see you."

I lifted my gaze from the _Shakespeare's Sonnets_, throwing a glance at Alice. She was twisting her hands nervously with a regretful frown on her face.

I took a moment to try to figure out what she was talking about. After Carlisle had left for the hospital a few hours ago, I had sat down in the living room with one of his books. And I wasn't very talented when it came to reading and following the conversation at the same time, even with my efficient vampire mind. The reading took all my focus, making me zone out quite effectively.

I exchanged a puzzled look with Rosalie who sat on the other couch a laptop on her knees.

"What?" I asked eventually from Alice.

Alice dropped herself on the armchair next to the couch, her fingers rubbing against the wooden arm. The movement was antsy - it was rare when Alice was so troubled over something.

"Bella," she sighed. "I heard your conversation with Carlisle about Edward earlier," she stated. "We all did."

I squeezed the book in my hands, trying to remember it was Carlisle's - I couldn't break it. "I thought so," I answered, staring at the carpet and being careful not to look at Rosalie.

"But you do know, that if I had seen that you're going to get lost in the woods, I would have prevented it somehow. You know that, don't you?" Alice's golden eyes shone with regret.

"Of course, Alice," I reassured. "Don't fret about it, okay?"

"He told me not to look into your future," she went on. "He was very adamant about it."

"I know." I ventured to take a quick glance at Rosalie. She was looking at Alice, her expression pensive. "Look," I sighed. "If you all heard that part of the story, you also heard me saying that I don't want to mull over it anymore. I don't want to remember Edward with regret."

"Of course you don't," Rosalie said quietly, surprising me. "But Carlisle's right - I think you should deal with it before moving on."

Her silent support both surprised and warmed me. It was Rosalie's reaction I had feared the most when I had shared a piece of that dark memory with Carlisle.

"I guess," I answered softly, not knowing how to show her how much her acceptance meant to me. "And I am dealing with it. It's just not so easy sometimes."

"I know it's not," Rosalie said quietly, reaching out for the newspaper but not really focusing to read it. "But I have to agree with Carlisle when he said that Edward shouldn't have left that way. And I know this might sound duplicitous to you, given the fact that it was me who supported the decision to leave Forks."

For a moment I just sat silent, not knowing what to say. How could I explain that I didn't want to carry any more regret towards those events, even if the memories hurt.

"I don't know if there ever is a right way to leave someone," I muttered quietly.

"Perhaps not," Rosalie agreed. "You do know why he left, though?" she asked suddenly. "He didn't leave because he didn't care about you anymore."

I nodded quickly - Carlisle had tried to get me convinced about that when we had met in Vancouver months ago. At first I hadn't believed his words when he had said that Edward had left to keep me safe. It had seemed such a waste - waste of time, waste of tears, waste of everything. And their departure had ended up with Edward being dead, along with Esme. All that, just to keep me safe.

I wondered what had been going through their minds during their last seconds. Had it happened so fast that there was no time to think about anything? Had they felt regret and sorrow, because they had suddenly realised that they would never see their family again? Had there been any time for that sorrow?

I partly hoped that there had been no time - I hoped that they didn't have to suffer too long. It was the only thing that brought comfort.

Rosalie's golden eyes stared at the coffee table, and I wondered if she thought about Esme's and Edward's last minutes as well. She had been there to witness their last moments on this earth, and I realised that she was the only person being able to answer the question in my mind.

But I couldn't ask her; it would be cruel to make her think that. I was sure that those memories haunted her more than enough, and where my painful human memories were foggy and hazy, Rosalie's vampire memories were sharp and accurate. It had to make the pain worse.

Rosalie met my gaze suddenly, as if she had sensed my thoughts. Her voice wasn't as cold as I expected it to be - it was only wistful.

"You can ask," she said quietly. "I've been wondering why you haven't already, even when we haved lived in the same house for weeks now."

Alice raised her brow, Rosalie's openness apparently surprising her. I wondered if they had ever talked about the day Edward and Esme died. I guess I wasn't the only one hiding from my demons.

I played with the hem of my sweater, the expectant silence in the room dragging on.

"Did it happen quickly?" I finally asked, my voice very quiet. "They didn't have to suffer for long?"

Rosalie was silent for a while, and I couldn't even imagine what she was seeing with her mind's eye at the moment.

"No," she answered quietly. "It all happened fast - one moment we were heading back home, and the next second the hell broke loose. The newborns were everywhere, and there was no time... not even for last words. We barely had time to look at each other, and realise what was happening."

Alice and I listened to her mutely, and it was indescribable how bad I felt for Rosalie. I wondered if she could ever get over those events, if she could ever forget.

Rosalie's unseeing eyes snapped back to focus and she lifted her gaze, giving us a strained smile. "I never thanked you for saving my life," she said to Alice. "If you hadn't had that vision of us, I wouldn't be here now."

Alice frowned, rolling the silver ring around her finger. "You don't have to thank me. And I only wish that I'd had my vision a little earlier," she whispered. "Just a few more minutes earlier, and maybe... "

Her words died and faded away, and she didn't need to finish her sentense._ Maybe they would be still here._

"It's not your fault," Rosalie said quietly. "It wasn't anyone's fault."

The next minutes passed in silence while we all drowned in our thoughts and memories, trying to rid ourselves of the regret and find some sort of peace.

But the conversation seemed to clear the air somehow, and for the first time I felt genuinely comfortable in Rosalie's company. It felt like we had taken one step forward by aknowleding certain things to each other, and to ourselves.

Jasper and Emmett returned from the woods sometime during the evening, their arms filled with firewood. We really had no need to warm up the house because none of us ever got cold, but the crackling of the burning wood brought a nice feel into the house.

Sometime during the night I found myself from Carlisle's study, counting the minutes until I could see him again. My fingers brushed against the old, thick bible sitting on the windowsill, and I found myself remembering those moments before Christmas when I had asked Carlisle to read to me.

Had it already been three months? My time with the Cullens had downright flown, and at the same time it felt like I had always been here. Like I belonged here.

The time passed slowly, so slowly that I was getting irritated. For the first time as a vampire I wanted to sleep, only to make the time pass more quickly. But I couldn't pass my time with sleeping, and so I had to settle with staring at the clock.

But the waiting was worth it - eventually the familiar sound of the black car echoed through the forest, and soon Carlisle's steps downstairs could be heard. I had memorized the sound of those steps already as a human - they were familiar steps, peaceful steps. And I wished I could always hear those steps, because they belonged into my life like the moon belonged to the sky.

The door of the study opened with a quiet creak, and I turned on the couch, my eyes taking in the usual pair of black slacks along with the light blue shirt.

Carlisle was watching me curiously, his mouth curving into a smile as he stepped inside the room and set his briefcase on the large desk.

"Have I kept you waiting?" he asked with a low voice as he made his way towards the couch, sitting beside me.

"Hmm," I pretended to ponder. "Nah. Not so much. I could have gone an hour or two more without you," I stated with a shrug, my tone indifferent.

Carlisle raised his brow. "I see," he answered, a teasing glimmer setting his golden eyes alight. "Perhaps I will head back then, since my company is not wanted here," he threatened and got up, only to be stopped by my tight grip around his wrist.

He pretended to be puzzled, looking at my hand that was gripping his wrist. "You are sending me mixed signals," he said with a frown.

"That won't do," I declared, tugging at his wrist and pulling him back to the couch to meet my lips.

I drew in the scent of his skin as his lips caressed mine, the contact between our skins causing the fire spreading in the pit of my stomach.

Carlisle's hands stroked the skin of my hips and I broke away, quirking my brow at him.

"Was that clear enough for you?" I asked. "Or am I still confusing you?"

"Hmm," Carlisle hummed, his voice slightly breathless. His eyes had taken a darker tone as he leaned closer to nibble my lower lip gently. His forefinger trailed along my jawline, his voice hushed and making me shiver. "I wouldn't mind if you made it even a bit more clear."

Emmett's rumbling voice sounded from downstairs. "Oh for crying out loud," he grumbled. "Someone give me earplugs. I need earplugs!"

Jasper laughed.

I ignored the voices - all I could focus on was Carlisle, and I leaned closer to kiss his lips again. Because I simply couldn't get enough of this wonderful man, and I wondered if it was same for him. Did he feel the same fire blazing inside of his marble body as our skins caressed one another?

After a moment he broke away with an apologetic smile. "I should change," he whispered. "I'm making you uncomfortable."

"No," I denied, even though the smell of humans clinging to his clothes assaulted me quite sharply. But I didn't want to let it bother me. I should get used to it someday.

"Your eyes are darker," Carlisle stated, tucking a lock of hair behind my ear.

I glanced at him under my eyelashes in a way I hoped to be seductive. "It's not because of the human scent, you know."

"Seriously, _earplugs_," Emmett hollered. "Alice, do something."

Alice only laughed and started humming - I figured from the sounds that she was wiping the dust from the shelves.

"How about if I change quickly, and then we go out so you can hunt?" Carlisle suggested, his words causing a different kind of fire flaring up in my throat.

"I'm not that thirsty," I insisted, my fingers playing with the black tie around his neck.

"And you're a terrible liar, Isabella Swan," he declared with a smile and got up. He threw me another smile over his shoulder as he made his way out of the study towards his bedroom.

For a moment I considered following him, just to see him undress. The images of his pale muscles were still vivid in my mind, but I was sure that even my sharp memories couldn't do justice to his bare form.

But as I daydreamed, I also missed my chance. Before I even realised Carlisle had returned, dressed in a pair of black jeans and a dark grey cardigan, and I noticed that it was the same one he had worn the previous night.

"What are you thinking?" he asked quietly, coming to stand before me.

I bit my lip, suddenly feeling self-conscious. I lifted my hand to brush his arm, the garment feeling as soft against my skin as it had felt last night. "You of course," I answered, lifting my eyes to meet his curious gaze. He always looked more or less curious when he looked at me, like I was something fascinating to look at. "And the moon," I continued quietly. "And the snow, and the stars..."

He swallowed visibly, leaning closer to brush his nose against my cheek. "What else?" he asked, his words tingling on my skin.

"This cardigan," I whispered. "And the fire..."

There was warmth in his eyes as he pulled back a bit, his fingers brushing against my cheek. "What fire might that be?" he asked, his voice low and sensual.

"That's it," Emmett declared downstrairs. "I'm moving out."

Carlisle chuckled, offering me his arm. I took it, and he started to lead me out of his study towards my room, without a doubt wanting to take a shortcut that was my balcony.

"What's up with you, Emmett?" I teased as I flung myself over the balcony railing. "Aren't you supposed to be implying things like you promised yesterday?"

"I kinda regret that promise," he stated, and Carlisle laughed quietly.

It felt so good to see him laughing and smiling almost constantly. And I couldn't hide my own smile as we made our way towards the mountains, Carlisle's hand around my fingers feeling very warm.

Once we reached the mountains and Carlisle had ensured that there were no humans nearby, I took a glance at the horizon, the light of the rising sun hiding behind the usual layer of clouds.

"No sunlight today," Carlisle said, sounding apologetic.

"It's okay," I answered, trying to hide my smirk. "I'm sort of getting fond of the moonlight."

"Is that so?" Carlisle asked, his white teeth flashing. "Why might that be?"

"I don't know," I chuckled, rising on my toes to peck his lips quickly. His hands trailed on my hips, pulling me closer. "Maybe I'm just weird."

"Perhaps we are both weird," he whispered, indulging me with a passionate kiss.

I needed him more than I needed to hunt, and I tried to tell him that with my touches. But ever the gentleman, he broke the kiss eventually, brushing his fingers against my cheek.

"You should hunt," he whispered. I sighed against his lips as the drought prickled in my throat, and decided to just to get it over with. And after that, I would have hours and hours to spend with him.

Searching for the proper prey was harder than usually. The forest and the mountains were awfully silent, the familiar sounds of fluttering hearts absent, and I had to roam pretty far to find anything. Carlisle followed nearby, staying a few hundred yards behind me and giving me enough space to focus. I could hear him every once in a while when he breathed, but most of the time he came so far behind that I couldn't sense him. He was staying close enough if he needed to interfere, but far enough to give me space.

As much as I had trust in Carlisle, one part of my mind was constantly focused on sensing the possible threats of a human, and I didn't want to surrender myself completely to my hunting instincts. Even if I had shown improvement in controlling myself the other day, I couldn't trust myself not to snap.

I didn't know if it was because of the lack of focusing that cased me to have trouble finding anything suitable to feed on, or had all the animals left for a spring break or something.

Eventually I found a deer, after climbing a little higher on the mountains. The small doe seemed unwell, and didn't put up much of a fight as I decided to end its misery. The poor animal wouldn't have had a chance to survive for long in the wild.

The tart aroma managed to quench my thirst a little, and I laid the warm carcass on the ground after I had fed, straightening myself and starting to look for Carlisle.

But before I had the chance to sweep the mountain scenery with my gaze, something very strange happened.

The hair suddenly stood up in my neck, and a shiver traveled through my spine, making me shudder slightly. A strange sensation filled me, making the breath catch in my throat. Something hopeless and desperate washed over me, nailing me to the spot.

I fixed my eyes towards the mountains, my eyes watching the scenery carefully - searching, looking, trying to find.

What was I trying to see was unclear, even to myself. But the horrifying sensation, the primal instinct that told me to analyze the situation and defend myself left me no other choice.

I whirled around, my sharp vision taking in every single little detail of my surroundings, but not the one I was so trying to find. I didn't see or hear anything abnormal. The air tasted like snow and pine needles, my sense of smell unable to pick anything else.

But even if I didn't see or hear or smell anything, I _felt _something, someone out there. In the shadows, watching, lurking.

I was so focused on staring at the mountains that the warm hand on my shoulder made me react instantly without any further thoughts. My instincts, shouting into my ear to defend myself took over, and with a growl I whirled around and pinned the intruder against the hard ground, my lips drawing back to reveal my teeth, my hands seeking the hollow of the neck, prepared to fight, to defend, to _kill_...

It was then when I realised that I was staring at a pair of golden eyes.

A small part of my mind tried to conjure up an apology, but there wasn't enough time to focus on that. I released my tight hold of the grey cardigan and jumped up, turning again towards the mountains. My eyes searched the scenery again, trying to pinpoint the source of my uneasiness.

Carlisle picked himself up from the ground, and there was confusion and alarm in his voice when he crouched beside me.

When had I crouched down?

"Bella?" he asked, sounding stunned after my attack. "What is it?"

I didn't know what to answer - I didn't know the answer myself. My eyes searched the mountains again, the fevered _need _to find the target of my alarm overwhelming me.

"Bella?" Carlisle asked again, and I saw his concerned expression through the haze of my darkened vision. "You're trembling," he stated, brushing my arm carefully.

I swallowed the venom that had pooled into my mouth, fixing my eyes towards the mountains again.

"There's something... " I tried to explain my state of craziness. The stunted pines, the rocky cliffs and the grey, brightening sky stared at me back as if to harass me, hiding the threat from my eyes and senses.

"What?"

"I don't know!" I snapped, my voice both panicked and angry. "_I don't know_," I fretted, my fingers clawing the ground.

"Stay here," Carlisle said and stood up, throwing a concerned glance towards the direction where I was staring at. "I'll go and see."

"No!" My horrified shout echoed in the silence, my fingers gripping his arm so tightly that he grimaced. But I couldn't bring myself to care - it was important that I wouldn't let him go there. I didn't know why, but I _had _to keep him here, where it was safe.

Carlisle was frowning at me with concern, not able to understand the state I was in. "Stay here," he said again, prying my fingers away from his sweater and throwing a wary glance towards the mountains.

"No, you can't - " I tried. Couldn't he understand?

"Stay here," he said, and now his tone was strict. "I won't go far," he promised. "You can see me all the time."

And with that he climbed down the slope, towards the direction my instincts told me to keep my eyes on. I didn't blink, keeping my gaze on Carlisle's receding form as he crossed a small notch, turning his head observantly. He was about three hundred yards away from me now, and even if the distance was very short for me to run if necessary, I found myself urgent for him to turn back and not go any further.

I was just about to go after him despite of the fact that he had told me to stay here, when I saw him stopping and lowering his gaze to the ground, as if to search for something.

The waiting was nerve-racking, and it took all I had not to rush towards him and drag him back here.

After a minute or two he glanced around him one more time, before turning and starting to walk back towards me. I saw how he took a deep breath to smell the air, but it was useless because the air was as still and silent as the woods and the mountains around us.

Carlisle regarded me with his gaze carefully as he ran back to me, throwing one quick glance towards the mountain scenery before turning to me again.

"I couldn't find anything," he said with a frown. "No traces of scents or prints on the ground, no nothing. I could go a little furhter if - "

"No," I said immediately. "Let's just go away," I pleaded, suddenly wanting to leave this freaky place behind and go somewhere safe.

Carlisle didn't answer for a while, only continued to look at me with a concerned expression. "What frightens you so?" he asked quietly. "I've never seen you this way before."

I searched the mountains behind Carlisle's back again with desperate eyes, wanting to give him an explanation. But I couldn't - I couldn't even explain it to myself.

"Bella?"

I sighed, realising that my fingers were clawing my hair. "I don't know," I fretted, feeling Carlisle's hands on my wrists and prying my hands away from my hair.

"I don't know," I repeated, leaning against his chest and suddenly feeling weary. I drew in the smell of his skin and clothes greedily, trying to compose myself.

Carlisle's arms came around me, and he pressed his chin against the top of my head. But not even his warm embrace was enough to calm me down - that's what really got me worried.

"Can you tell me what you saw?" he asked. "Or did you hear something?"

"No," I mumbled against his chest. "I didn't."

He pulled back slightly, raising his hands to cup my cheeks. There was that frown on his face again as he looked down at me, trying to understand, even if I didn't give him many reasons to.

"I can't explain it," I whispered, starting to think that I had imagined it all. "Maybe I'm just crazy," I sighed, frustrated. "I was just about to head back to look for you, but all of a sudden I felt like..." I licked my lips, shaking my head.

Carlisle waited silently, the frown furrowing his brow as he brushed a lock of hair behind my ear.

"... like someone was there. Someting. I don't know."

Carlisle had a pondering expression on his face as he looked at me.

"You don't have to believe me," I sighed. "I'm starting to doubt myself already."

"Why?" he asked.

"Because I have no proof of anything," I shrugged, throwing a resentful gaze towards the mountains. I was starting to feel calmer already, but the ominous sensation hadn't quite disappeared. "You said it yourself; there was nothing out there."

"I have no need of proof," Carlisle responded gently. "If you say that you sensed something, I believe you." He turned to look towards the direction I was staring at, a small frown still on his face.

"I'll ask the others to keep their eyes open," he said quietly.

It reassured me to know that he believed me and didn't think that I was crazy. But at the same time I started to feel a little silly, thinking that I was overreacting again.

"I'm sorry that I jumped on you," I apologized, suddenly remembering how my hands had seeked his throat in the haze of my attack. I curled my fingers and fisted them, the drowning sensation of regret engulfing me when I realised that I could have harmed him badly.

"Hey," Carlisle soothed as he turned back to me. "It's alright. I shouldn't have surprised you that way."

I swallowed, my fingers fisting around the fabric of his cardigan. "I want to go home," I whispered.

Carlisle didn't protest, and I could feel his gaze on me as I glanced one last time towards the mountains, before taking his hand and turning around.

And we left the menacing scenery behind us, and I tried to ignore the invisible enemy that whispered soundless words into my ear and blended with the scenery, staying inconspicious until I was sure that I had imagined it all.

And every time the eerie sensation tried to conquer my mind, I clung to Carlisle's hand, knowing that he believed me, even when I didn't believe myself.

* * *

**AN/ **Oo. Scary.

Okay; a lot going on in this chapter. Even though Bella is still holding back a lot of things, she took a small step forward in her quest to get over her past, and saying those few things about the day Edward left was very healthy for her. And I also think that it was healthy for the others as well to hear her view of those events. Many reviewers have already pointed out that she should just open her mouth and tell about those things - they affect her self-esteem and the image she has of herself, after all.

One of my wonderful readers had a feeling that maybe Edward had a message to Bella behind the grave. I'm thinking that he sure had a lot of things to say a moment before he died, a lot of regrets going through his mind. In my imagination, that moment came too quickly for him, and there was no time for him to voice those things, just like Rosalie explains in this chapter.

What do you guys think about the end of the chapter? Is there something lurking in the woods? Or did Bella just imagine it?

The next chapter will continue with CPOV, and I've nearly finished it. I'll post it during the next week as usually :)

The information about Marcus' mate Didyme can be found from Twilight Saga Wiki; you who have studied more the pasts of Volturi guards' members know that it was Aro who killed Didyme - but if I'm correct, nobody knows about this, not even Marcus.

Bella's memories of Edward's departure are quotes from Stephenie Meyer's book New Moon. I can't take any credit, for I don't own it.

The quotes:

_"I won't forget."_

___"But my kind... we are very easily distracted." _

___"That's everything, I suppose. We won't bother you again."_

_____"Goodbye, Bella."_

_"You... don't... want me?"_

_"No."_

_____"You're not good for me, Bella."_


	41. Chapter 41: Splendor

**Stephenie Meyer owns Twilight :)**

* * *

**AN:** Thanks again for your reviews, I can't put to words how happy they make me. And also thank you for those who voted this little piece of story in the Non-Canon Awards - the third place was more than I could've ever hoped for, and it made me extremely flattered. Yay, people like my story :)

The ending of the last chapter was a bit eerie, and let me say that it's been very interesting to read your theories about that occurence. Very interesting ;) *evil smile*

Okay, now I shut up again and let you inside Carlisle's head for a moment - I could stay there all day long if I could. Does he have to be so wonderful?

* * *

**_Down an unknown road _**

**_to embrace my fate _**

**_Though that road may wander, _**

**_it will lead me to you _**

**_And a thousand years, _**

**_would be worth the wait _**

**_It might take a lifetime, _**

**_but somehow I'll see it through_**

- Michael Bolton, _Go the distance _-

* * *

**Splendor**

CPOV

Brown was a warm color.

It reminded me of the soil and earth that was slowly revealing under the melting snow, releasing those moist and fresh aromas that belonged to the spring.

The sad girl in my arms _was_ the spring, the warmth of the earth in her hair. And there was a luster of summer sun in her eyes as the quiet laughter erupted from her mouth. My fingers brushed against her sides again, making her writhe and squirm slightly.

I continued my ministrations, curling my fingers and tickling the skin under her rib cage where I knew she would be extremely sensitive.

I was rewarded with another bubble of flowing laughter, the redness of her smiling lips reminding me of the colors of the fall, of the way the tree leaves darkened and reddened, staying beautiful as ever even while withering and fading.

And on the surface of her skin the forever winter covered the creamy complexion, but despite of the color of snow on her skin, she wasn't cold or cool. She was tenderly warm like the spring, ardently burning like the summer sun, intensely fervent like the colors of the fall, and purely white like the first snow of the winter.

She was my every season, my every time of day and night, my beginning of the month and the last day of my year.

"_The Nymph that undoes me, is fair and unkind;_" I whispered into her ear, pulling her closer to my chest. My lips pressed against the back of her head, the unique scent of lavender and soft musk filling my senses. "_No less than a wonder by Nature desingned..."_

There was a smile on her face - I knew it, even if I could not see.

"_She's the grief of my heart, the joy of my eye,_" I continued reciting, shifting her slightly and without a warning coaxing my arm under her knees, sweeping her in my arms.

"_And the cause of a flame that never can die!_" I whispered as I stood up from the couch, lifting her light form and carrying her two slow steps.

There was laughter in her dark caramel eyes as she wrapped her other arm behind my neck.

"What flame is that?" she asked very quietly, the glimmer in her eyes both teasing and seductive. Her fingers studied the form of my lower lip, the touch making me inhale sharply.

"Tsk tsk." I dropped a quick kiss on her lips and pulled back, pretending to reproach. "Do not disturb me. I have a matter to clarify."

Another sound filled with delight bubbled from her mouth. "Do go on then," she teased. "Or did the cat get your tongue?"

I silenced her with another kiss, more deep and lasting this time. My feet were moving again, taking me and the magical creature in my arms out of the room. Finding the door of my study was surpringly difficult with my eyes closed and with her lips on mine. Bella took all my focus and attention.

"_Has the beautiful blush, and the smell, of the rose,_" I continued once finding our way to the hallway and breaking the all-consuming kiss.

Her eyes glimmered again, and she bit her lip as if to stop a wide smile. But I so hoped she wouldn't hide that smile - she was so heavenly when she smiled.

"_Love and Destiny both attend on her will;_" I continued my whispering.

And what a reward she graced me with. There it was, the smile that could chase away the sleep and keep me awake all night long if I were a human.

I laid her down on the dark blue bedspread, dropping a kiss on her throat. "_She wounds with a look; with a frown, she can kill!_" I whispered against her skin, once again enjoying the quiet chuckle escaping from her lips.

"I don't mean to kill you with my look," she informed with a hushed voice, causing me to raise my lips from her skin and pull back to gaze at her.

"You don't?" I queried, letting my other hand roam on her hip. "Would you be kind enough to enlighten me of your intentions then?"

"Hmm," she smiled, and the possessive part of me wanted to keep that smile and own it. To know, that the smile she wore was just for me.

"It has something to do with you..." she whispered with that secret smile I so wanted to possess. "... and me," she continued. "And maybe... this bed," she explained slowly and almost lazily. "Is that enough information?"

How could she be so utterly innocent, and yet so painfully alluring and seductive? There was something unnatural about the way she looked at me under her eyelashes, as if to dare me to act, or not to act.

I swallowed the venom in my mouth. "Well," I breathed. "I have to admit that your description was slightly concise," I whispered in her ear.

"It was only the summary," she responded with that same utter innocence, clasping her hands behind my neck.

She pulled me closer almost forcibly, her lips meeting mine with passion that seemed almost desperate. Her nimble fingers found the buttons of my cardigan, and after a moment of fiddling I heard something tear.

She pulled back from my lips to gaze at her hand, holding a grey button. The torn pieces of thread hung from the small piece of plastic.

"Oops," she whispered, glancing at me with bashful eyes. "Sorry."

I chuckled, taking the small button and tossing it over my shoulder. It hit the floor somewhere near the door, but the sound was nonexistent to me.

Because another sound had my attention now - the sound of Bella's eyelashes against the skin under her eyes when she blinked, and the sound of her quiet chuckle as her lips returned to mine. Her fingers continued with the buttons, and in the end she managed to tear only three of them off.

She could tear them off for all I cared.

Her skin was as soft as it was the last time I had the honor to brush my fingers against it. I peeled away the dark garment that covered her upper body, casting away the piece of clothing like I had done with the button.

The sight of her almost drove me to my knees.

My fingers played with the sheer lace as her lips claimed mine again, and it took me a moment until the sound of the ripping fabric was carried into my consciousness.

I broke away from her lips to see the damage my fingers had done, and I couldn't think of the last time I had lost the control over my strength to that extent that I had broken something. It happened very rarely.

"Oops," I whispered, gazing at Bella apologetically.

She only chuckled, discarding the pieces of lace before grabbing my shoulders and suddenly pushing my back against the mattress. The movement was so fast that I barely comprehended it.

With an utter astonishment I watched her prying away the cream-colored shirt that covered my skin, and allowed me to raise myself to get rid of the piece of clothing. But as soon as the he garment was out of the way, her hands pushed me back against the bed, a glint of teasing and even a slight devilry in her eyes.

And I watched, mesmerized, as she dropped a fluttering kiss on my shoulder, stopping to run her fingers over the tiny scar on my other arm. The crescent-shaped mark was formed by her own teeth during the first few seconds after her transformation, and I found myself looking back at that moment with a sudden tenderness.

Bella's lips pressed against the scar as if to apologize, and then I felt her long hair brushing against my stomach as her light touches traveled downwards, her lips leaving a burning trail behind.

Her lips neared the area beneath my navel and her hands started fumbling with the belt - that damnable belt always seemed to be on the way - and a shudder traveled through me, the ache that I felt for her almost becoming unbearable.

My hands searched her wrists to pull her back up to meet my lips, and within a second I had rolled her around, pinning her gently down against the blue mattress.

"In the name of all that is Holy," I reproached with a kiss. "You drive a man mindless, Isabella."

She smiled against my lips. "Is that a complaint?"

I chuckled, shaking my head. Then I dropped one more sweet kiss on her lips before starting to adore her body with my touches.

That body of hers sinfully beautiful, and I simply couldn't get enough of her creamy skin. I quickly revealed the rest that winterly pure marble, stripping away the accursed jeans and another piece of delicate lace.

A quiet moan hovered in the room as I leaned to kiss her knee, and Dear Lord - would I ever get used to the sensations that sound roused in me?

Physical pleasure was something I had experienced abundant amounts during my long existence, but nothing could compare to the waves of sensations when I was with her. It was as if our bodies had been first united, and then separated - _divided _- during another lifetime, and now we finally met again, having the chance to reunite and return to the place where we both belonged.

"Sweet Bella," I whispered, easing my way upwards her body, my lips studying the sensitive skin on her mound swiftly before I continued journeying and exploring her form. I stifled the primal urge to claim her more roughly, to conquer her body with mine until nothing else mattered, until the world around us stopped existing.

But the two of us would exist - me and her, and our mutual passion that caused us to blend with the stars in the same way we had blended and joined, returning to the mold we once had been casted in.

The skin of her stomach was soft under my lips, and Bella's fingers tangled in my hair, the motion filled with urgency.

"Please," she whispered, and I momentarily abandoned her soft skin to crawl over her, pressing a tender kiss on her lips.

"What do you want, sweetheart?" I whispered against her lips, slipping my hand underneath her body and stroking her lower back. She shivered at my touch, the grip of her fingers in my hair becoming almost painful.

But it was a good kind of pain - a very good kind. That small twinge of pain unveiled the fevered passion she struggled to contain and master, only to find herself unsuccessful. And that unsuccess... the result of that small failure was so heavenly that it barely could be called a failure at all.

And I was glad to fail with her - fail, weaken, drown... even a disaster and misfortune transformed into pure bliss in her presence.

"You know what I want," she whispered, untangling her fingers from my hair and grazing her nails lightly against my bare back.

The sensation made me hiss - how was it, that even such a faint touch like that nearly undid me? What was this sorcery in her touch, that drove me into a state that resembled madness? That enchantment seeped from her skin, conquered my mind as much as it conquered my body until nothing else existed but her soft skin against mine, and her darkened caramel eyes exuding that same glamor.

And I was a prisoner. A prisoner of her touch, her eyes, her heart, her body and her charm, and I could only hope that my imprisonment would abide until the world stopped turning, that the day she would liberate me from her hold was the day I stopped living.

Did she know how I burned for her? Did she know the ache, the agonizing fire of those flames that couldn't be quenched?

"Please," she begged again, and I had my answer.

I rid myself of the remaining clothing, leaving the warmth of her skin only for few seconds, but the length of that ridiculously short time seemed way too long. Because her skin belonged against mine, and mine against hers, and because her flames and mine were supposed to burn together.

Her eyes never left mine as I slowly claimed her body with my own, the agonizing ardor increasing to a point that was beyond comprehending. Beyond anything.

Her hands were clasping my neck again, and I kissed her lips, consuming the moans pouring from her mouth, tasting the indulgent sounds until they combined with my own. She hid the flames behind her eyelids suddenly, but I needed to see her - I needed to see that scorching blaze that coiled in my own body and soul, needed to know if it was the same fire making her burn.

The words coming out of my mouth resembled begging more than requesting as I pleaded her to open her eyes.

She did. And the things I saw in those depths... no words could compare, no depiction would suffice.

"Sweet Bella," I breathed. "Do you know how I adore you?"

She answered with a kiss of desire, and I had an urge to ask more questions only to receive an answer such as this. What a pleasure she was, to have her skin against mine, her body against my own, her lips against my lips, her flames consuming mine...

And we burned together, and we adored and desired. And no knowledge, no experience could compare to the thrill of this moment, to the ripples of pleasure washing over us, to the quivers of the marble body beneath my own... What a heavenly moment it was, and I would find that moment reappearing into my mind time and time again, until we had the chance to create a new moment.

"Carlisle..."

My name on her tongue was a breathless plea, and my lips stole the rest of the sounds flowing from her mouth, selfish as I was. I tasted her despair on my tongue, tasted the euphoria rushing through her mind, tasted and savored the tremble of her body until I was certain that there was nothing more to discover. But what a foolish notion that was, because there was always more to find, more to consume and relish, more to enjoy...

Because my Bella was endless; it was like I attempted to seek and find every drop of water that existed in the oceans of this Earth, as if I endeavored to sum up every crumb of sand in the desert... It was impossible, and it was tremendously glorious.

"Carlisle, please..." she whimpered, the quivering of her body increasing.

Her cries of passion blended with mine, and during our moment of mutual extremity I had a ferocious impulsion to mark her. The mellow skin of her shoulder was suddenly very soft as my sharp teeth grazed on the marble surface, and it took an unfathomable amount of control not to do any harm to her skin.

Because her skin was sacred. Everything about her was sacred, and I decided that everything I ever did to do her would be done with tenderness and affection.

As the crushing waves of fervor slowly dissipated, and the clamping of her muscles simmered down, I pulled my lips from the skin of her shoulder to gaze at her, so amazed I simply was. Amazed by her, by us, by our moment of togetherness - what an indulgence it was to be with her, to have her in my arms and see her fracturing in front of me in such manner.

With our most intimate skin still united, I shifted slightly, rolling us both to our sides so we were still facing each other. The smooth skin of her legs brushed against my hips as Bella eased herself closer, seeking more connection, more proximity.

I cradled her slender form and wrapped her into my embrace. Our gazes were still connected as were our bare skins, and I found myself hoping for the chance that I could stay here with her like this, forever.

A content sigh escaped from her lips as she closed her eyes and opened them again, the hues of dark amber and caramel returning slowly.

"Mindless," I whispered to her, repeating my earlier words. "That's what you cause me to be."

She smiled, her fingers leaving the back of my neck to trail the shape of my eyebrown. "Still not complaining?"

"What an uncouth action that would be," I breathed. "To grouse about something that is so heavenly."

She laughed shortly, the sound like the whisper of summer breeze in a bed of reeds. What a wonderful sound that was.

"Heavenly, you say?" she asked, her small smile teasing.

"Heavenly," I confirmed. "Divine, supernal, ravishing... my knowledge of the words is too limited to describe it properly."

"You don't need to," she whispered and I rejoiced. Because she knew.

Our blissful moment of togetherness continued. Maybe for an hour or maybe for two; time stopped existing. We simply laid there with our bare skins caressing one another, and enjoyed the heavenly feeling that we both knew so well.

The house was very quiet, for there was no reason for us to speak, and also because we were the only ones filling the empty rooms. As much as I enjoyed having my family around me, I couldn't help but feeling a little delighted to spent some time with Bella alone.

A small smile made Bella's lips quirk; one more sight of delight to me. This day must be blessed.

"What are you thinking?" I asked.

Bella chuckled quietly, looking a little sheepish, and one second before she started to speak I realised with pleasure that she was actually going to answer. She did not always do that.

"Well..." she chuckled. "I was just trying to imagine Alice's expression if she happened to see in her visions that I destroyed you cardigan. She probably choked on her mountain lion."

I laughed quietly, shaking my head.

Bella closed her eyes again, her hands returning to their previous spot behind my neck. "This is nice," she sighed suddenly, her eyes still closed.

"Hmm?" I brushed my nose lightly against her cheek, tightening my hold of her. "Only nice?" I teased. "Nothing more?"

A puff of air brushed against my lips as she laughed, another charming smile adorning her face. "Don't I give you enough credit for your performances?"

I didn't know where her playfulness came from, but I enjoyed it immensely. "I have no need of credit."

"Compliments, then?" she asked, continuing the witty banter. "Praises, and flatteries... You're a difficult man to please."

I chuckled, giving her lips a quick kiss. "A courtesy or two wouldn't hurt every once in a while."

She threw her head back and laughed, her white teeth glowing in the blue gloom of the room. "That's not a lot to ask," she complied quietly. "But have your ever heard that actions speak louder than words?"

"Once or twice."

She sighed indulgently, a suppressed smile tensing her lips. "Because I have an action or two in my mind," she confessed, and the attempt to hide her smile failed this time.

And I failed with her again, with a smile of my own.

The charming being with the eyes of the summer sun leaned closer to me again. And her lips, with the flush of fall colors, brushed against mine with a heat that would never fade. Our skins caressed one another again, cherishing and treasuring; hers, with the pureness the first snow.

And the gentle warmth surrounded us, as we lived our own fine piece of the forever spring.

* * *

As I look back at those days, and if someone happened to ask me which one I favored the most, I'd find myself lacking the answer.

Because there simply was no way to decide. Every day that I spent in Bella's company was like the first day of my existence. It was as if I had been blind before, and every time I laid my eyes on her, I saw the world as it was supposed to be seen; renewed, revived, reborn.

There was always something more to relish, and to discover when I was with her, and I could only hope that I brightened her days in the same way as she brightened mine.

That discussion days ago about the day we had left Forks had seemed to solve her emotions somewhat, and they certainly had clarified mine. It had been imperative to know of those few things she had agreed to share with me about Edward's departure. I still had little clue about the whole situation that had occured between those two all those years ago, and I truly wished that I would've spared her from all that heartache that she now refused to talk about. There was nothing I wouldn't do for her, no distance I refused to walk to get to her.

There was still the same sadness in Bella that she always carried with her, and a part of me wondered if it were always there. But nonetheless, the sad girl with the earthly hair of spring had stolen all the pieces of my heart and put them together, and I knew that she possessed my heart and soul endlessly.

Sometimes I caught her looking outside of the window while I was reading, her eyes studying the grey sky longingly before searching the mountains with her gaze. A small frown would furrow her brow then, and it made me wonder if she thought back at the incident on the mountains several days ago.

It still puzzled me what she had sensed, but there was no doubt in my mind when I knew that she hadn't imagined it. I had never seen her quite like that ever before, and the alarmed expression on her face had concerned me profusely. But we had been left without any answers, and since the other members of the family hadn't noticed anything abnormal on their hunting trips, the incident was soon put aside, although not completely forgotten by me.

The light of the afternoon sun brightened the scenery even behind the veil of clouds as I walked toward the hospital parking lot one day. The rays of light were not quite able to filter through the thick curtain that covered the sky.

The day had been another long one. The hours spent while helping humans could be quite rewarding, but also mentally straining.

A wave of serenity washed over me suddenly, easing off the stress inevitably. I raised my eyes from the wet asphalt as I walked across the parking lot, surprised but pleased once finding Jasper walking toward me.

His honey blonde hair brought a nice brightness in the middle of the gray city, the smile that was always a bit reserved but no less warm forming on his face.

"An afternoon walk?" I queried with a smile of my own, unlocking the car from the distance as Jasper fell into step beside me.

"You could say that," he drawled, an affectionate smile rising on his face. "Alice sent me on an errand. Do you mind if we stop by in downtown?"

"Not at all," I answered, getting in the car and starting the engine. "Where to?"

"Somewhere where I can find those twenty movies Alice told me to rent," he answered, sounding amused rather than annoyed.

We both chuckled as we drove down the streets, my eyes searching for a video store. I let my gaze roam towards the direction I once had steered my car when Bella had been with me, and I recalled that night when I had taken her to her apartment to pick up some of her things - had it only been a little over three months ago?

The memory felt like it belonged to another lifetime. I could easily remember my despair as I had watched Bella brushing her palms against the walls of her apartment as a farewell gesture, her secret way of telling that she wouldn't be here for long anymore...

"What's wrong?" Jasper asked, sensing my change of mood and glancing at the direction I was staring at.

I shook off the feelings, grateful of the fact that the matters were so different now. Bella wasn't ill anymore, and I could keep her with me forever.

"Nothing," I answered. "Bella once lived over there, that's all," I stated, nodding at the direction of her apartment, and stopping the car as the traffic lights turned to red.

"Right," Jasper nodded. "Alice said that she had a cozy place up there."

There was some odd formality in his words, and I guessed that Alice had told him about the lack of personal touches in Bella's apartment.

I didn't wish for those things to bother me, but truthfully they did to some extent. There was so much I didn't know about Bella and her years spent in solitude, and everytime I felt that I actually had learned something about her, I only found myself scratching the surface of her complexity.

"How has Bella been today?" I asked, suddenly the compelling curiosity and the wish to know everything about her overwhelming me. "What has she been doing?"

The lights turned to green, and we continued our search for the video store. There had to be at least one or two in this part of the city.

"Nothing special," Jasper answered, his golden eyes sweeping the streets. "Mostly pining after you," he stated with a teasing smile, and I couldn't be sure if he was completely serious. "She reads a lot during the days, but also spends time with us. She doesn't avoid the company as much as she used to. The whole gang, except Alice, left for a hunting trip before I ran to the city."

I nodded, relieved that Bella wasn't avoiding the company as much as at the beginning. I had often found her from the balcony during her first weeks as a vampire, claiming that she was reading. But I had seen through her. Her desire to be alone had saddened me.

"She's a lot happier than before," Jasper stated beside me as he pointed his finger towards a video store a couple of yards away. I parked the car and cut the engine, blocking the noises of the street from my ears.

"Really?" I asked, delight touching my heart.

"That goes to the both of you," Jasper smiled. "I haven't had the chance to say this, but I'm really glad that this all fell into place. I really believe that your fate was to find Bella, and hers was to find you."

I swallowed, his words touching me. "Thank you, Jasper. I truly need to thank you; if it wasn't for your words all those weeks ago, I don't know if the situation was what it is now," I stated, wondering how long it would have taken for me to act with Bella so boldly if Jasper hadn't pointed out the existence of the mating bond.

Jasper brushed off my words of gratitude, shaking his head. "Think nothing of it, Carlisle. You've been more patient with me than anyone could ever have been," he drawled. "It is I who should thank you. And you would've realised your feelings for Bella eventually," he continued, starting to rummage through the glove compartment and pulling out a pair of sunglasses.

I didn't know if he was right. I had been fighting against my vampire instincts for so long that it was my second nature.

But then I remembered the girl with the eyes of dark amber, the secret smile in the dusky light of my bedroom, the curve of her hip and the pale skin under my touches... And I wanted to believe, that even I couldn't have been dense enough to stay away from her alluring spirit.

"While you pick up the movies for Alice, do you mind if I stop by over there?" I asked, nodding towards a florist's shop on the other side of the street.

"Not at all," Jasper answered, a smile making his lips quirk as the golden eyes hid behind the dark glasses.

We parted ways then, my feet taking me into the small shop filled with millions of aromas. It was almost a sensory overload to have so many scents in such a small space, but mostly it was oddly pleasant.

I studied the different flowers filling the shop, trying to decide what to pick. A part of me wanted to buy a huge bundle including one of each kind, but I had a feeling that Bella appreciated more simplicity than exaggeration.

Although it wouldn't be exaggeration in my opinion - she deserved every beautiful flower that the earth could grow.

Finally I tried to decide between two roses. One was a very dark and deep color of red, the richness and the intensity of the color very pleasing to the eye. The other option was a very pale shade of pink, the color resembling the hues of Bella's skin when she had been a human.

I had almost decided when the phone vibrated in my pocket. I pulled it out and answered it, idly wondering what Alice had in mind.

"Hello, Alice," I answered, drawing in the smell of the dark red rose and deciding that this flower's scent was more pleasant.

_"Don't get the pink one,"_ she ordered from the other end.

"Why not?"

_"It upsets her for some reason,"_ came Alice's puzzling reply. _"But the dark red is very good; it's romantic and it symbolizes deep passion, readiness for a commitment, desire, sincere love and millions of other nice things."_

"But the light pink symbolizes gratitude and appreciation, and also love," I argued, but I had to admit that next to the symbolic meaning of the red rose is sounded a bit dull.

_"The dark red,"_ Alice advised again, and now there was a wide smile in her voice. _"Trust me."_

"What would I do without you," I sighed, nodding at the florist and informing that I'd take the dark red one. I payed for the rose, declining the plastic wrapping.

_"You would make a fool of yourself," _Alice quipped, making me chuckle.

"Why doesn't she like the pink one?" I asked as I made my way outside, drawing in the strong fragrance of the rose.

_"I don't know," _she answered. _"You're going to have to ask her... I have to go now. It sounds like the others are returning from their hunting trip, and it's really muddy outside so I have to make sure that Emmett's not gonna make a mess again,"_ she sighed. _"I'm so going to make him mop the floors if he comes in with muddy shoes and clothes."_

I laughed at the mental image of Emmett mopping the floor, opening the car door and getting ready to say goodbye.

_"Wait,"_ Alice said. _"One more thing - tell Jasper to bring _Dear John_. I don't know what was going through my head when I didn't tell him in the first place, and I really wanna see it."_

"Alright," I answered, setting the rose on the backseat carefully to keep it unharmed, and finishing the conversation with Alice.

Jasper returned after a minute of two with a bag filled with DVD's. He got into the car, looking slightly harassed. The streets were starting to get crowded with people who were returning from work and school, and it was always a bit of a challenge for him to walk among humans and try to forget his thirst.

"Alice called," I informed just when he was about to close the door. "She told me to tell you that she wants to see _Dear John._"

Jasper moaned quietly, raking his fingers through his hair.

I offered to go in his stead, but he shook his head and got out of the car again. I started to think that he was almost as stubborn as Bella.

Within thirty minutes we were nearing the house, our casual conversation interrupted when Jasper frowned suddenly, a confused smile quirking his lips.

"What is it?" I asked as I drove the car into the garage, wondering what he was sensing.

"I'm not sure," he answered, another slight frown furrowing his brow.

The house was oddly silent as we made our way into the house. It made me somewhat concerned, but the small smile on Jasper's face managed to calm me. He surely wouldn't smile if something was awfully wrong.

"Over here," Alice called from the living room suddenly. Someone drew in a deep breath.

I dropped the rose on the kitchen counter, exchanging a puzzled glance with Jasper.

Everyone were waiting for us in the living room, and the atmosphere among them made me confused again. Emmett's smirk was slightly gloating, Rosalie's smile oddly serene, and Alice looked simply happy.

I couldn't see Bella's expression. She was facing the glass wall, and it confused me that she wouldn't turn around. The need to see her face after the long day was compelling, and I was concerned again. Why were everyone acting in such a strange manner?

The situation reminded me of the one several days ago when Bella had been able to resist that human on their hunting trip, and I wondered if that was the case also this time.

But there was something different in everyone's expressions now. They all looked peculiarly touched and emotional, like something very important and major had occured.

"Is something wrong?" I asked, quickly glancing at Jasper and taking in his confused frown. My eyes searched the group of vampires spread around the room, and once again I wished that Bella would turn around.

"No," Alice answered, throwing me a wide smile before turning to Bella. "Bella," she urged.

I watched as Bella lifted her palms to cover her face, and her words were muffled against her marble skin as she spoke. "Stop staring at me," she muttered, sounding oddly embarrassed.

"We will once you turn around," Emmett pestered, drawing chuckles from the others.

"Right," Bella mumbled mockingly. "I'm sure you do." She lowered her palms, turning slowly around to face the room with closed eyes and her head lowered.

And I still couldn't comprehend the situation.

Then Bella smiled self-consciously, raising her head slowly and opening her eyes, finally gazing at me.

Many thoughts and emotions rushed through my mind at the same time; surprise, pleasure, admiration, and I also reproached myself for my own foolishness because the situation hadn't dawned to me immediately. This was what I had been waiting for a long time, after all.

I had a difficult time describing what I saw. Any parable and metaphor I knew couldn't quite do justice to the sight before me.

Bella had pieces of both day and night in her eyes. There was a ray of midday sun in the depths of those golden pools, and even a glimmer of nighttime stars. It was a lovely complexity, that mix of day and night.

Or on second thought, were there fields of ripe grain in those golden pools of light? Or was it the brightness of the leaves of a maple tree in autumn? Or was it the savannas of Africa in the time of sundown?

What a joy it was in any case, to look into those eyes filled with golden illumination.

A veritable delight indeed.

"I think he's fossilized."

Emmett's voice sounded from somewhere far away and I blinked, a rush of air escaping through my lips. It was the sound of ashtonishment, for I was ashtonished - ashtonished, astounded, delighted, and so very deeply in love.

Bella's eyes - those golden suns on earth - gazed upon the floor, and the expression on her face reflected discomfort. The shyness only managed to enhance her loveliness.

And Dear Heavens - how was it, that I still stood here, ten yards away from her while I could stand before that divine creature, and let her know how I adored her?

How foolish of me.

But it was a fortune that I learned from my mistakes, and so I made my way across the room, slowly and time-consumingly, for I wanted to savour this moment.

And then I stood in front of her, and the world around me was filled with beauty.

Bella bit her lip, avoiding my intense gaze sheepishly. I waited until she got over her moment of self-consciousness and looked back into my eyes. And finally our gazes met again, golden mingling with golden.

A small smile adorned Bella's face then. "My eyes are the same as yours," she said quietly with an emotion that reflected the joy of an achievement. And it was an achievement, and I was proud of her.

"I disagree," I answered just as quietly, brushing my finger against her cheek. "Yours are much more beautiful."

She only chuckled. "Not true," she claimed a moment before I claimed something else; her lips.

Quiet chuckles behind my back, the sounds of someone clearing his throat. Soundless steps against the hardwood floor as the others leaved us be...

I barely registered those sounds. They were irrelevant.

It was moments later when I broke away from her soft lips, having a hard time deciding between the sweet kisses and the sight of her eyes; could I have both?

"Words cannot describe," I whispered to her, and she rewarded me with a smile.

"You like my eyes?" she asked, a teasing glimmer igniting in those ochre depths. "Aren't you at all disappointed how I turned out?"

A chuckle left my lips. "How absurd it would be, to be disappointed in the sight of you."

She smiled sheepishly again after hearing my praises, the razor-sharp teeth pressing against her lower lip as she suppressed a smile. A quiet sigh escaped her mouth, and she narrowed her eyes slightly when she gazed at me.

"I have a question," she stated with that secret smile of hers.

"Hmm?" I picked a lock of her hair between my fingers, running the silky strand over her cheek.

"Why do you smell like flowers?"

Of course I hadn't forgotten the rose in the kitchen, even when my attention had been diverted. I gave Bella a smile and dropped the lock of her hair, starting to steer her towards the hallway and feeling utterly pleased that I had gotten that rose for her.

I told her to wait upstairs, and she glanced at me with those narrowed golden eyes again. With a frown she walked over to the staircase, and after giving me another puzzled glance, disappeared to the fourth floor.

I retrieved the dark red rose from the kitchen counter, making sure that it was unharmed and still flourishing. Then I made my way up the three staircases, continuing past the door of my study towards the blue room at the end of the hallway where the sound of Bella's quiet breathing could be heard.

Holding the rose behind my back and hiding it from her eyes, I stepped into the room and closed the door behind me.

Bella turned away from the glass wall, abandoning the view of the mountains and forest. She watched me with a puzzled expression, a little concerned smile rising on her face.

"You're making me worry," she chuckled.

"Why on earth?" I asked, walking over to her carefreely.

"Because you look like you're up to no good," she remarked softly.

"Hmm." I cocked my head from side to side, drawing another chuckle from her. "I don't have any mischiefs in my mind."

I withdrew the rose from behind my back before she could smell it, and brushed the velvety flower softly against her cheek.

Bella gasped loudly, her eyes widening when she saw the beautiful flower. I held it out to her and she took it carefully, immediately drawing in the intoxicating scent.

A quiet moan welled in her throat as she inhaled again, closing her eyes momentarily. Her smile could have brightened up the darkest of nights, so bright it was.

"You brought me a rose?" she asked after a short moment, her voice unbelieving and touched.

"A sudden whim," I explained with a shrug, extremely pleased that my small gesture had affected her so deeply. "Do you enjoy it?"

She drew in the scent again, another smile lifting the corners of her mouth. "Yeah," she answered, a teasing glimmer in her eyes again. "Are you trying to woo me, Dr. Cullen?"

That tone of hers was simply begging for trouble - if she kept that up, we'd never leave this room.

"I won't confess," I answered, leaning closer to brush my lips against hers quickly. Not even the finest nectar could compare to the sweetness of her lips.

She chuckled quietly, giving the tie around my neck a light tug and lifting the rose under her nose, drawing once again a deep breath.

"You know..." she began as she turned around and placed the rose on the bedside table, stopping to gaze at it with a smile. "I almost thought that it was someone's perfume on you when you came home, smelling all flowery," she teased.

I sat on the bed, chuckling at her comment. "It would be a sacrilege to do such a thing. Why would I need human women and their perfumes, knowing what a beauty awaits me here?"

Bella lowered her gaze sheepishly, and I could easily imagine the blush that her skin wasn't able to create anymore.

"Sweet talker," she smiled, dropping herself on the bed and laying down on it.

I took the rose from the bedside table, laying beside her and running the petals over her nose. She smiled again, a shiver rippling through her when her sensitive skin reacted to the light touch.

It was easy to ignore the other sounds of the house when I watched her. After a moment Bella's golden eyes closed, the smile on her face never faltering as I continued brushing the rose against her pale skin.

"Sounds like the others are starting the movie marathon Alice has planned," I noted quietly as the sound of the flat screen got louder. Bella's fingers picked the rose from my hand, apparently having decided that it was her turn to tickle my skin with it. "Do you wish to join them?" I asked as the red petals ran over my chin, the touch indescribably relaxing.

She shook her head with a smile. "If you don't then I won't, either," she answered, drawing a large circle on the side of my neck.

The evening passed that way, as we simply laid on the bed in each other's embrace. It was very comfortable, just to lay with her quietly and do nothing. Sometimes we would discuss about something ordinary, or nothing at all - there was no need for us to speak as we enjoyed each other's proximity.

Sometime during the night Bella's fingers reached out to touch the red rose on the bedside table where she had placed it after stroking my skin with it. Her pale digits picked it up after a while, and she brought it on her stomach, the tips of her fingers studying one of the sharp thorns.

I turned to my side on the bed, brushing my finger against the velvety petals.

"Do you like the color?" I queried, studying the rich and dark hues of the royal flower.

Bella nodded with a smile. "Yeah," she whispered. "It's beautiful."

"I had difficulties to decide which color to pick," I confessed. "I wasn't sure which you would like the most."

"You're spoiling me," she chuckled.

"Not possible," I whispered, pressing a kiss on her cheek. We were silent again for a while, and Bella brought the rose under her nose again. It seemed like she couldn't enough of it's luxurious scent.

"Alice assisted me eventually," I continued, wondering if it was wise to say the next words; I had no wish to upset her. "I almost picked a rose that was a pale shade of pink, but she said that you wouldn't like it."

A small frown furrowed Bella's brow, and the tip of her forefinger pressed against one sharp thorn again. She was quiet for a while, as if she were lost in her thoughts.

"I like this one, though," she stated very quietly after a while. "I really do."

"I'm glad that you do," I whispered.

It was silent again, but this time the silence was different. There was some strange distance between us now, and I resented myself for speaking about the rose - I hadn't meant to overstep my boundaries. With Bella, I was always walking a fine line, and I never could be sure when I had crossed it.

"Pink roses are fine," she suddenly whispered, and the look in her eyes was oddly empty. I waited silently, partly because I was too surprised to summon any words. I hadn't expected her to speak.

"They just... remind me of things," she continued, that same hollow depth in her golden eyes. Her forefinger pressed lightly against the thorn again, as if she was waiting for the prick causing her blood to flow.

"What things?" I asked softly, picking up a lock of her hair and running it over her cheek. She closed her eyes momentarily, loosening her hold of the rose lightly as if being afraid to crush it.

"Someone gave me a pink rose," she said very quietly, still hiding her eyes. "In a funeral." The words came out of her mouth in a rush, as if she had forced herself to say them. Maybe she had.

I realised that she had to talk about her father's funeral, or her mother's. Sometimes I had the urge to question the existence of my God because of the losses Bella was forced to endure.

"Who gave it?" I asked softly, having the feeling that maybe she had the urge to talk about it some more.

Bella's eyelashes stirred slightly, creating shadows on her pale skin. "I don't remember," she whispered, a slight tremor in her voice. She drew in a deep breath, and as she continued speaking, her tone was slightly cooler, more distant. "I guess someone of Renée's friends."

I drew another circle on her skin, hoping that the touch would comfort her. "You don't remember much of those times, do you?" I asked quietly.

"Not that much," she whispered, still keeping her eyes closed as if to distance herself from this world. "I remember that I was cold," she said very quietly, opening her eyes and looking at the ceiling.

I continued drawing those gentle patterns on her skin, leaning my chin against her shoulder. "Are you still cold?" I asked gently, wishing I could comfort her somehow.

Bella was silent for a while, and I heard her eyelashes brushing against the marble skin under her eyes. "Sometimes," she whispered. Her hand lifted the rose from her stomach and she turned, placing the flower on the bedside table again. Her fingers brushed one of the dark petals almost longingly.

She lied back down, shifting closer to my side and laying her head on my chest. "You make me warm," she whispered. "Warmer than anything."

I couldn't summon the words - nothing would suffice after hearing hers. There was no way to describe how much those two short sentences meant to me. I pressed my lips against the top of her head, drawing in the scents of soft musk and freesia, the notes of strawberries and violets befuddling my senses.

For hours we simply laid in the quietude of the blue room, her presence warming me in the same way I hoped to warm her. The house quieted together with the night as the other occupants of the house wandered off on their own ways.

It wasn't until the early hours of dawn before I spoke, my voice quiet and Bella's hair silky against my lips.

"How are you, sweetheart?" I queried, savoring the comforting weight of her head on my chest. I could feel the echoes of her breathing through the fabric of my shirt. I had considered changing earlier because the scent of humans still clung to my clothes, but I didn't have a heart to withdraw from Bella's slender form. I sensed that she needed the comfort of physical proximity at the moment.

"Good," she whispered, raising her head and pressing her nose into the crook of my neck. "I like it when you do that," she continued quietly.

I tightened my hold of her, my fingers starting to brush against her other hip. "Do what?" I asked.

I felt against my neck how her lips curled into a small smile. "When you call me sweetheart."

Something warm pulsed inside my cold chest. That endearment had slipped through my lips several times, and it delighted me to know that she enjoyed it.

"Really?" I asked. "What else do you like?"

Bella was silent for a while, another gentle brush of air ghosting on my skin as she breathed. "A lot of things. I like that you always play with my hair."

I smiled - that small habit was almost involuntary now. Spontaneous. "What else?"

She laughed softly, a smile in her voice. "I like it when you always help me stand up, like I'm still human."

It was wondrous how those simple gestures could mean so much to her. That those small, almost insignificant and self-evident deeds could make her so happy.

And once again I asked to hear more; it was simply delightful to listen, and to learn about her.

"I kind of love your hands," she whispered, her words brushing against my neck. "And your nose, and hair. And eyes. And I love that rose you brought me."

"I love you."

It was the first time I said aloud those three words from the beginning to the end. They were the words I had harbored in my heart for a long time, and in those words rested my beginning and my end. My entirety, my wholeness.

My truth.

It was silent again - such silence always tended to follow after speaking out something so earthmoving. That silence had some sort of electricity in it. I could taste it on my tongue, feel it tingling against my skin.

Silence and stillness, that was everything that could be sensed in the room after the electricity. And how peculiar it was, for there was little need of senses to detect those two ambiences. Silence was only silence, another expression for the lack of sounds and noises. The same could be said from the feeling of stillness, although this stillness held less tranquility than it could have.

Bella started breathing again, and then it wasn't so silent anymore.

She raised her head to look into my eyes - many things swirled in those golden depths. Shock, fright, disbelief, but mostly wonderment.

"I know I should have said it aloud a long time ago," I whispered, studying the emotions in her eyes. "Those three words tie together everything I am, and yet they are inadequate. Because they aren't nearly enough to describe my feelings for you."

Bella blinked, the glistening venom disappearing from her golden eyes. She exhaled softly, and her voice was very small as she spoke.

"It's enough for me," she whispered, and suddenly she pressed her lips against mine so vehemently that it took me by surprise. She had never been so bold before.

There was despair in her touch as her hands gripped my shirt, and the material ripped loudly, causing to Bella push back with startled eyes. She stared at the piece of light blue fabric that used to be the shoulder of my shirt. I chuckled at her widened eyes, prying the tatter away from her fingers.

"Sorry," she breathed, leaning her forearm against my chest.

I laughed softly, brushing a lock of hair behind her ear. "It's alright," I whispered. "Your reaction was quite pleasant, even if you hadn't torn my shirt."

She chuckled, a small smile lighting up her face. After a moment she sobered, licking her lips in an unnerved manner.

"You do know..." she whispered, a slight alarm in her eyes. "You have to know that..." Her fingers pressed against the sides of my neck before she withdrew her touch, her eyes studying the bedspread.

"I know," I whispered, not wanting to push her to say anything she wasn't ready to say. "It's alright."

She let out a frustrated breath, staying silent and trying to rein in her emotions. Then she kissed me again, deeply and passionately, and after that she layed her head back against my chest.

The way she drew in a breath greedily, and the way her fingers fisted around the fabric of my shirt told me everything I needed to know.

Because there were times when actions spoke louder than words, and if Bella's actions had been converted to language, she would have said what I already knew in my heart.

What we both knew.

* * *

**AN: **The poem Carlisle recites at the beginning of the chapter is called Sylvia, by Sir George Etherege.


	42. Chapter 42: Synergy

**Stephenie Meyer owns Twilight :)**

* * *

**_But Ruth replied, _**

**_"Don't urge me to leave you or to turn back from you. _**

**_Where you go I will go, and where you stay I will stay. _**

**_Your people will be my people _**

**_and your God my God. _**

**_Where you die I will die, and there I will be buried. _**

**_May the Lord deal with me, be it ever so severely, _**

**_if even death separates you and me."_**

- Ruth 1:16-17 -

* * *

**Synergy**

BPOV

"I'm not gonna wear those."

Alice let out a quiet screech, the sound reflecting pure frustration. She waved the fancy three-inch heels in front of my nose, as if staring at them long enough would suddenly cause me to have an urge to wear them.

Highly unlikely.

"Come on, Bella," Alice persuaded. "I get it if you didn't want to wear heels as a human because of that hazardous clumsiness, but that's not the case anymore. You can't use it as an excuse."

"And I'm not," I pointed out, my eyes studying the luxurious shoes made of black leather, and I could swear that they grimaced at me. "I'm only saying that I won't wear them."

"Why not?" Alice whined, looking at me like I had grown a second head.

"Because I have an attitude problem when it comes to heels, okay?" I sighed, starting to make my way out of my room. Alice scampered after me.

"But Bella, look how pretty they are," she persuaded again. "And it's such a waste! I just got these and they are too loose for my feet so I can't use them. You're wasting them if you're not going to wear them! And by your actions, you will hurt their feelings."

I stopped at the door, turning slowly to gaze at the black-haired slender creature. "I'm hurting their feelings?" I asked, trying to keep my tone polite.

"Yes."

"They are _shoes_, Alice," I stated very slowly, but a small part of my mind reminded me that I shouldn't accuse Alice about giving human characteristics to objects, since I had been positive that those same heels had grimaced at me a moment earlier.

"Yes,_ expensive_ shoes, that _you _are wasting."

"Give them to Rosalie," I sighed. "I'm sure her size doesn't differ that much from mine."

"Rosalie has enough heels, while you don't have them at all," Alice declared. She was particularly persistent today. Why on earth today, when I had so many other things in my mind? Today was hard enough as it already was.

"You have to be presentable when we arrive, Bella," Alice continued, shamelessly taking advantage of my insecurity over the upcoming situation.

I didn't know why I was so nervous - and I didn't know if it was the trip that unnerved me, or the situation that awaited me once we got to our destination.

Tanya from the Denali clan had called two weeks ago to catch up and exchange news. She had been mostly talking to Alice and Carlisle, and somehow - I still couldn't figure out how - the conversation had turned to me, and eventually to my state of self-control.

Carlisle had been quite considerate about it, not at all exaggerating or glossing over, and I had been grateful that he hadn't given the Denalis the expression that I had some sort of supercontrol over myself or anything. But they had started to play with an idea that a visit to them would be in order sometime soon, but Carlisle hadn't finalized anything before ending the conversation.

And I had been grateful again, because he had wanted to hear my opinion first - like he would drag me across the continent if he wasn't positive about the fact that I was comfortable with it, and with the possible distractions along the journey.

I hadn't known what to say to him. I knew that the Cullens were close with the Denalis, and they considered each other as family. And I knew that they all really wanted to visit them after the long time of separation, and the only restricting factor was obviously me. And I hated to be the restricting factor.

Of course I was eager to meet the Denali coven as well. I was also dreading about it, but mostly interested and eager. But the long journey inside the car troubled me. Even if we traveled with high speed, the smell of humans would still reach us at some point. And there always wasn't the chance to avoid driving through cities or small villages, and the chances to catch an appealing scent was even more likely.

I knew that they would all wait if I wasn't ready for this - Carlisle certainly wouldn't take any risks. But it seemed that my little stunt in the forest a couple of weeks ago had impressed the others, and they seemed to believe that if I had been able to resist hunting those humans in the forest and walk away, I'd be able to travel in a car if we used secluded roads as often as possible.

I wasn't so sure about it. Not even after encountering another human on our hunting trip five days ago.

The smell of blueberries and vanilla had been almost impossible to resist, but eventually I had succeeded. That human hadn't even been that close. The distance had been at least two hundred yards, but the mouthwatering scent had called out to me, and it had taken all I had not to rush after it to quench my burning thirst.

Carlisle had been with me all the time, like he had once promised to be. His hand around my arm had given me focus, and all that time he had whispered words into my ear until I had been able to turn around and walk away from the temptation.

He had been quietly elated, not showering me with praises and compliments because he knew that I didn't like it. But his smile as we had neared the safety of the house had meant more than a million praises, and his whisper in my ear had been simple but no less meaningful.

"Well done," he had simply said, giving me a passionate kiss that chased away all the remaining thoughts in my mind.

That occurence had given me more confidence, and so I had agreed to leave with them towards Alaska today.

No one had pressured me. Everyone were actually really great about it. They had encouraged me with kind words, telling me that I could to do this, and also comforting me by saying that the scent wasn't so bad inside a moving vehicle.

"There's no hurry," Carlisle had said, telling me that Alaska wouldn't go anywhere if I decided to wait a few months. But he had also said that if I decided to stand behind my decision to go, he would support me.

"Hold your breath if we have to drive through a village, or pass a group of humans," Rosalie had adviced. It was possible that I had looked like a deer caught in the headlights, because Carlisle started to assure me that we could always bypass the cities and other human settlements. The drive would turn out to be longer because of that, and because of the fact that we would use less busy roads instead of the highways.

It seemed an awful lot of trouble to do all that, but it was worth it. It certainly minimized the risk of me going out of control.

But I didn't want to consider the possibility of going crazy. I wanted to believe that I could do this, if I focused hard enough. And Rosalie's experiences decades ago encouraged me; she had been a newborn when she had taken her revenge on her fiance and his friends, and she had needed to be near humans in order to do that. And she hadn't succumbed, and I refused to do that either.

How hard could it be?

Alice's pattering sounded behind me as I made my way to Carlisle's study. A small glass filled with red liquid rested on the large desk, the redness of the blood both harassing and giving me determination.

I raised the glass cautiously, relieved that Alice had fallen silent to give me space to focus. I took a careful whiff, the smell making my throat burn.

This had been my new project for the past days. Carlisle had brought a bag of donated blood from the hospital at my request, and I had rehearsed with it almost constantly, stretching and expanding my limits until the pain had scalded my throat.

I thought that it was getting easier. At least I could be sure that the possible diluted smell of humans was nothing compared to the fragrance of that exposed blood.

I lowered the glass, trying to ignore the searing pain in my throat.

"You will do fine, Bella," Alice reassured. "If you can take that, there's no doubt that you wouldn't manage if we happen to run into a human or two. And remember that you'll be inside a car. It's a sealed space, and the smell won't be that bad then."

I sighed, her confidence in me both warming me and adding pressure. "I guess," I breathed, leaning closer to the glass and drawing in a deep breath again, just to torment myself - I could focus better if I had driven myself to extreme frustration.

"Maybe I should ask Emmett to ride with me and Carlisle, just in case," I suggested, hoping that Emmett could hold me back if needed, or strap me against the seat or something.

Alice huffed. "You will not have Emmett. The drive will be boring without him," she claimed, and I didn't know if she was serious or not. "He's a good entertainer."

Sure he was. And the thought of spending a day or possibly two inside the same car with Emmett and his bawdy insinuations made me retract my words.

I abandoned the glass after one more deep breath. My nose skimmed over the rim of the glass, and I took in the scent as much as possible, hoping that experiencing the burn in my throat severely enough would make the possible encounter with a human more easy.

Then I turned away from the red liquid, swallowing the venom that had risen to my mouth.

Alice looked both sympathetic and confident as she glued herself against my side as we made our way out of the room. I closed the door behind me, saying soundless goodbyes to that room of peacefulness, wondering how many days it would be until I could smell the scent of books and ink again.

A pair of black heels blocked my vision as Alice continued negotiating with me. Or at least _she_ thought that we were negotiating. I had made up my mind about those ridiculous shoes.

"Bella," Alice wheedled. "Look how pretty they are! And I'm sure that Carlisle would appreciate it if you dressed more feminine," she stated, knowingly hitting my weak spot. I would do nearly anything if it pleased Carlisle.

"Alice," I moaned, partly fearing that she was right. What if Carlisle didn't like that I dressed so tomboyishly?

We were now downstairs. Jasper and Carlisle had spread a large map on the kitchen table, and they were hunched over it, trying to decide which route to take. The plan was to avoid all the busy roads and choose as secluded roads as possible everytime we could.

Jasper started to fold the map, exchanging a satisfied look with Carlisle. They both turned to us, and Carlisle's gaze pierced me. He walked over to me with slow steps, brushing the tips of his fingers against my cheek.

"I have no doubt in my mind that you're able to do this," he whispered. "And I wouldn't even fathom the idea of proceeding to do this, if I thought that you aren't able to handle it. But I want you to know that we are in no hurry, and if you want to postpone our visit, Tanya and the others will understand."

I nodded, taking a deep breath. "I know. But I want to go." I set my jaw stubbornly and spurred myself on inwardly.

Carlisle nodded with a smile, and the trust in his eyes made me more confident.

Now there was nothing more to do than to leave. And try to ignore Alice's pout as she ogled me with the pair of designer shoes in her hands.

"Stop looking like a martyr," I begged as we made our way to the garage. "It's not like I'm burning the glorious shoes on a stake or something."

Alice recoiled a terrified expression on her face, as if she feared that I'd actually burn the shoes.

Not a bad idea.

"Alice is torturing me with heels," I whined to Carlisle, who was trying to suppress his smile. I leaned against his side, and his arm came around me, engulfing me with warmth. "Save me."

He chuckled, pressing a soft kiss on the top of my head before steering me across the garage.

It was odd to slide inside the black Mercedes. It felt like a lifetime since I had traveled inside this car. The smell of leather was as pleasant as it had been before, but the aroma was more defined, and still softer somehow.

Alice and Jasper would ride with Emmett and Rosalie, taking the huge jeep. I found myself looking forward to the next hours I got to spend with Carlisle alone, and I wondered how strange it would be to sit inside a car such a long time and not be able to pass time with sleeping.

Carlisle got inside as well after exchanging a few more words with Emmett and Jasper, and before I closed the door on my side Alice skittered to me, giving me a small cell phone.

"I'll call if something comes up," she informed with a smile. Alice had agreed to scan the future more carefully, and she would inform everytime she thought that it was best to change the direction.

The jeep beside us started rumbling, and Alice danced away.

Carlisle started the engine and I closed the door, the small space suddenly feeling very cramped. I took a deep breath to rid myself of the sudden tension. I couldn't have cold feet now.

It was an old habit to fasten my seatbelt - as if I would need it. But I did it anyway, and I hadn't even noticed that I had done it until Carlisle gave me a funny look.

"I have a complete confidence in your driving skills," I jested, eliciting a chuckle from him.

I still felt alright as Jasper got under way and steered the jeep towards the small road that led through the forest, Carlisle right behind him. And I still felt alright as I glanced behind me at the receding, beautiful house that had become my home.

But as the highway neared, I started to feel cramped again. What was I doing? What had possessed me when I had thought that I could be capable of this? What if someone died, only because I had been impatient and felt guilty about holding the others back?

I forced my fingers away from the seat, fearing that I would tear out the upholstery.

"Are you alright?" Carlisle asked. He was looking at me, a worried expression on his face.

"What was I thinking," I muttered under my breath, trying to compose myself.

Carlisle's other hand grasped my fingers quickly. "It's alright," he soothed. "I understand if you are nervous."

I chuckled ruefully, the sound almost hysteric.

"Bella, we won't let anything happen," Carlisle reassured again, signaling left and turning the wheel, following the huge jeep in front of us. We were on the highway now - it was too late to be sorry. "And remember what I said earlier; I wouldn't have agreed to this if I didn't trust you to handle it."

"You trust me too much," I managed to wheeze, my eyes staring at the road before us. I tried to pinpoint the possible sounds of humans over the rumble of the engine, but so far I couldn't hear anything.

"And you trust me too little," Carlisle answered softly, and the skillfully veiled sadness in his tone stabbed me.

I let out a trembling breath, trying to calm my nerves. "I'm sorry," I breathed, venturing to take a glance at him. He shouldn't have to earn my trust over and over again. He already had done everything he should, and even more.

Carlisle reached out to touch my hand again, giving me a reassuring smile.

After a moment I was calmer again, and I was able to look around more freely. Even if we were driving really fast, the sceneries whizzing by didn't blur or become unclear otherwise. It felt strange to see everything so clearly, despite of the fast speed.

"Now I get it how you can drive so fast without wrapping the car around a tree or something," I chuckled, my eyes studying the scenery greedily.

"The heightened sense of sight is quite useful when driving so fast," Carlisle agreed. "And the reaction time, which varies between humans, barely exists with vampires. Our reactions come so quickly."

I smiled silently, thinking back those first few times when I had been riding in a car with Edward, and remembering how I had hated the speed he always drove with.

It took me a moment to realise that I was actually _smiling _at those memories.

Carlisle noticed it too, and he turned to me with a confused smile of his own. "What amuses you?" he asked, looking curious.

I snorted softly, brushing my fingertips against the soft leather of my seat and trying to decide if it was softer than Carlisle's bare skin. But no - nothing could be softer than his skin. "I was just remembering how I hated when Edward drove so fast," I confessed. "I think that I actually yelled at him once or twice about it."

Carlisle laughed softly. "That must have been quite a scene to witness," he teased, reaching out with his fingers to press the buttons of the radio. "Do you want the radio on or off?" he asked. "I'm sure that Rosalie has equipped the glove compartment with CD's if you wish to listen something else."

"The radio's fine," I answered even though the silence didn't really bother me. It was a comfortable silence.

The smell of leather was combined with something else. I had noticed it already a few minutes ago, but it was only now when I was able to focus on it. The smell was familiar - like a piece of home...

I glanced at the backseat with a frown.

Carlisle's black coat was there, but also a huge pile of books. Some of the volumes were heavy and thick, while the others were average sizes.

"I thought that you would like to read to pass the time," Carlisle smiled.

"You're so sweet," I breathed, reaching out to grab one of the books. I didn't start reading, though - I thought that it'd be impolite to immerse myself in reading while Carlisle had to drive. And so I settled with bringing the spine of the book under my nose, drawing in the comforting scent.

I almost jumped through the roof when I spotted a car on the road a few hundred yards away. It was coming towards our direction, and Carlisle slowed down, not wanting to alert anyone's attention with our speeding. It was illegal to drive so fast.

Jasper did the same ahead of us, and I saw Emmett on the backseat of the jeep turning his head and looking at me. He pinched his nose pretentiously, the small gesture very highlighted and full of harassment. I forgot my worry over the approaching car momentarily, having an urge to throw my book at him through the windshield. But Rosalie was faster to upbraid him - I saw her grabbing Emmett by his ear.

I stifled a chuckle.

The red car was coming closer, and I prepared myself for the worst, trying not to crumple Carlisle's book into a pile of dust. I expected the moment to stretch, waiting for the familiar feeling of timelessness to conquer me - time always slowed down in bad situations.

But then it was over. After a second the car had managed to pass us, continuing its way towards the direction we had come from. Towards safety.

I let out a breath I had been holding. "It wasn't that bad," I stated out loud, puzzlement and relief palpable in my tone.

Carlisle chuckled. "What did you expect?" he asked, sounding genuinely curious, and I figured that it wasn't a rhetorical question.

"I don't know," I mumbled. "A lot worse."

Carlisle gave me a sympathetic smile. "Luckily the night is falling. That should calm down the traffic for a few hours." His hand grasped my fingers again, and he turned his gaze from the road to kiss my knuckles. "All will be fine," he reassured again.

I tried to believe him, and I tried to believe in myself. But every house I layed my eyes on, and every car that approached us made me tense immediately, and I obeyed Rosalie's advice to hold my breath, even though very little of the scent got into the car. But I didn't want to take any risks, and even when holding my breath started to feel a little uncomfortable after several minutes, I wouldn't give myself the permission to breathe.

But finally the number of houses and road users started to lessen noticeably as the mountains and trees surrounded the road, and I let out a relieved sigh.

"How are you?" Carlisle asked, and it warmed me that he bothered to ask my well-being even if I had little reason to act so dramatically.

"Fine, I guess," I breathed, noting the fresh mountain air filtering through the car's ventilation system. A trace of diluted human scent could be sensed, but it wasn't that bad. Usually the clinging smell of Carlisle's hospital clothes was ten times worse. And I could take that easily.

"When was the last time you visited the Denalis?" I asked, breaking the comfortable silence. I wondered how difficult it was for the Cullens to return there. The place must be full of memories of Edward and Esme.

"Last year," Carlisle answered, his expression a bit wistful. "We own a house near Tanya's home, and we return to live there once in every few decades."

I wondered if I ever had the chance to see that house. It seemed unlikely that we'd ever move there - it had been Edward's and Esme's last home.

I studied Carlisle's slight frown, wondering again how difficult this trip was for him, and for the others.

"Is it hard?" I asked cautiously, not wanting to upset him. "To go back?"

He gave me a sad smile, lifting his hand from the gear shift and brushing mine with his fingers. "It doesn't feel that difficult anymore," he mused quietly. "It was more difficult when we returned for the first time after..." he frowned, not needing to finish his sentence.

"I'm sorry," I apologized. "I didn't want to upset you." My heart was breaking to see him looking so sad.

"Don't ever apologize," Carlisle said softly. "It doesn't offend me if you ask."

I was relieved that talking about it didn't bother him, and after a moment of another comfortable silence I asked more about the Denalis.

"You already know a little about Eleazar," Carlisle answered and I nodded. "Carmen is his mate, and they met while Eleazar was still serving the Volturi. He eventually left them, as you know, to find more compassionate way of living together with Carmen."

"Is that how they found the Denalis?" I asked.

Carlisle nodded. "They liked their way of living and joined the coven. But even if they hadn't found them, I believe their compassion would have ensured finding some other way to live without killing humans."

"That woman who talked with you on the phone," I began, "Tanya. Is she their leader?"

"I suppose she is, in a way. She considers Kate and Irina as her sisters, because they were all created by the same vampire." Carlisle threw a glance at me, seeming a little wistful. "Sasha was the name of their mother."

"Sasha?"

Carlisle nodded again. "She lived many years before I was born, during a time of plague in our world."

"Plague?" I asked, not understanding. Vampires couldn't get sick, after all.

"The plague of the immortal children," Carlisle answered, and something in those words made me shudder; it had a creepy sound to it. He started to speak again after giving me a quick glance, his words generating vivid images inside my mind.

I could see it all clearly as he spoke - those beautiful, endearing children. Their creamy white skin, the dimples on their cheeks, the red irises...

I shuddered again, and the enchantment was replaced with pity. It wasn't right or natural to steal life from a small child.

"It was automatic to love those children, so endearing they were," Carlisle said. "But if they hungered, they fed - and they couldn't be restrained. They could easily destroy half a village in one of their tantrums."

Another shudder rippled through me, and Carlisle turned to me with an apologizing smile. "I'm sorry," he said. "I'm frightening you with my stories."

"No, it's okay," I shook my head. "It's... it sounds so cruel. Why would anyone choose to turn a small child into a vampire?"

Carlisle's smile was sad. "I agree, it is cruel." He turned his eyes towards the dark road. "Creating an immortal child is forbidden - it's punishable by death. Sasha payed that price."

"She created an immortal child?"

Carlisle nodded. "Tanya and her sisters don't talk about it unless very necessary. Even though Sasha wasn't their biological mother, they loved her as one. They still mourn for her death, and they always will."

Of course they would - the grief such as that would never disappear completely. I knew it myself.

"How about Kate and Irina, then?" I asked to get rid of the memories of my own mother and her death.

"Kate was an attendant - a bodyguard - to a highborn female of a Slavic tribe. She was guarding her mistress on a caravan when Sasha and Tanya attacked."

That was more difficult to imagine. It seemed like a different world where those kind of things happened. Caravans and attendants, guarding their mistresses...

"Why did Sasha change her?" I asked. "If she attacked that caravan to kill, why did she spare Kate?"

"She was impressed by her," Carlisle answered simply. "Kate was very courageous and determined to defend the caravan. And I believe that the color of her hair had some influence to Sasha's decision to change her - Kate is blond, like Tanya and herself. The physical resemblance appealed to her."

I remembered the photos in Carlisle's room; the three sisters truly looked alike.

"Is it why Sasha created Irina? Because she was also blond?"

"That is likely," Carlisle nodded. "Irina lived in a small farm community before Sasha... _invited_ her into her small family."

I wondered if Sasha had possessed a strong maternal instinct. That would explain creating the three sisters, and the immortal child. Or maybe she had been just lonely.

"After Sasha was executed for creating that immortal child," Carlisle continued, "Tanya took the leadership of the coven. Eventually they found the way to quench their thirst without killing humans. They were very... fond of the company of human men," Carlisle explained with a sheepish frown.

"Fond?" I asked, something in his tone and the way he had said the word confusing me.

Carlisle licked his lips, a small smile making his lips quirk. "The Denali sisters are responsible for originating the legend of _succubus._"

"Succubus?" I asked, trying to supress a giggle. "As in the demon who seduces men?"

Carlisle nodded, a sheepish smile on his face.

"Wow," I chuckled, amused by the information and Carlisle's uncomfortable expression. "That's quite a reputation these cousins of yours have."

He chuckled. "I agree."

The rest of the night passed that way. It surprised me how quickly the time seemed to run. I tried to rid myself of the dread everytime a car neared, but luckily the road we traveled on didn't have that much traffic. Emmett carried on with his teasing, turning his head every once in a while in the jeep ahead of us. It baffled me how annoying he could be, even when there was a windshield and a rear window between us, not to mention the seventy yards of road separating us.

I only freaked out twice during the journey. As the day dawned and people started to wake up from their sleep to start the day, it naturally increased the number of cars on the road. And the number of cars on the road was directly proportional to my stress levels.

In the end it was Carlisle's coat which kept me from going frantic - and of course Carlisle himself. There was a point where we had to drive through a small town - during the day of course, because my luck is simply so poor - and the scents seeping through the ventialtion system made me very nervous.

I found myself grabbing Carlisle's coat from the backseat, drowning myself in the scent. Musk combined with cinnamon and linen gave me focus. I kept my eyes closed all the time as we made our way across the town as fast as possible, and I made sure that all I breathed in was Carlisle's scent and nothing else.

But even if I deprived myself of the visual distractions, and numbed my sense of smell with Carlisle's black coat, one thing I couldn't avoid was hearing. And it would've been a bliss to be deaf, for once.

It was simply chaotic. The number of heartbeats, the words spoken on the streets blending together and creating a commotion that was impossible to understand... I had an urge to block my ears, even when I knew that it would bring me no relief.

The sound of hundreds of heartbeats almost drove me into a state of madness. The sound was moist and alluring, and almost managed to smother Carlisle's reassuring voice. I vaguely realised that he was talking to me, and at the same time talking to Alice on the phone.

"It's alright Bella, you're doing so well... No Alice, I think we'll make it," he said. "It won't be long now, Bella."

_"We'll make it... it won't be long now."_ I drew strength from those words, inhaling against the coat and submerging myself in Carlisle's scent, repeating those two short sentences in my mind like a mantra.

I was so focused on those few small things that kept me from going crazy, that it took a moment to comprehend Carlisle's words that were now easier to hear - it was more quiet around us.

"You can open your eyes now, Bella," he reassured, but his voice was slightly strained. It puzzled me for a moment, and at the same time when I opened my eyes, I felt the solid muscle in the grip of my left hand.

I released my hold of Carlisle's right arm - when had I gripped him?

"I'm sorry!" I breathed, pushing myself from him as far as I could. The door of the car felt flimsy against my side, and I leaned slightly away from it before it would crack and fall on the road.

Carlisle let out a breath, an amused smile curving his lips. He glanced away from the road and reached out with his arm, pulling me away from the corner of my seat, and drawing me as close to his side as he could.

The console felt slightly uncomfortable against my hip but I didn't care. I tucked my head against Carlisle's side, drawing in the calming scent that was more prominent than it had been in the fabric of his coat.

"You did so well, Bella," Carlisle praised, even when I felt that I didn't deserve it. It had been a close call.

"No I didn't," I mumbled against his rib cage. "It was awful."

His lips pressed against the top on my head. "I'm sure it was," he whispered. "But that was a major milestone you just crossed."

"I don't understand how you can take it," I lamented, the memory of the wet heartbeats conquering my mind again. "You do this everyday and I don't get how you _stand_ it."

"It's difficult at the beginning," Carlisle admitted. I pulled away from his side to gaze at him. "But it won't always be such a trial," he promised, brushing a strand of hair away from my face.

I tried to believe him - I wanted to believe him.

I refused to surrender Carlisle's coat during the next hours - not that he would ever take it away from me. I clung to that garment like an anchor, keeping it ready if I happened to need it as a distraction again.

"Does it bother you to drive so long?" I asked Carlisle after the twenty-three hours of sitting in the car. I expected my muscles to feel stiff and achy, but I only felt slightly uncomforable. Sitting down for so long was unnatural, even for vampires. I felt like I had too much energy, and had it been safe, I would've probably wanted to go outside and run as fast as I could for a few miles.

Emmett had done it a few times as the night fell again, his muscular form moving in the forest next to the road so fast that at times it was difficult to spot him among the trees.

"Not that much," Carlisle smiled, but I was sure that he needed fresh air as much as I did. He was just too much of a gentleman to admit it.

"I'd give your a break and drive for a change if I could promise not to tear out the steering wheel," I stated, causing Carlisle to laugh. "And you probably might have to say goodbye to the gearbox, too."

He laughed again. "It won't be a long way any longer," he promised, waking up my sleeping nerves again. Meeting the Denalis unsettled me more than I liked to admit.

But I tried not to worry - not even when the scenery around us had slowly changed into snowy forests and mountains. And I tried not worry, even when the air filtering through the ventilation system was more crisp and colder minute after minute.

But in truth, I worried.

"Are you nervous?" Carlisle asked, noticing my tenseness.

"No," I lied, squeezing the material of his coat in my fingers.

Carlisle picked up the thick book next to the gearshift where I had lowered it hours ago. He held it out to me, a small smile on his face.

"Which poem do you favor the most in this one?" he asked, and I had a feeling the he tried to distract me so I wouldn't worry so much.

"I have a lot of favorites," I answered, taking the book and opening it, but not feeling the urge to read.

"Read one of them," Carlisle requested, his expression innocent.

"Nice try," I muttered, lowering the book. "You just try to keep my mind off things."

Carlisle quirked his brow, a small smile tugging at his lips. "Why would I need to distract you, if you're not nervous?" he asked with that same innocence. I threw him an annoyed look. "You said it yourself," he stated.

"Smartass," I mumbled under my breath, opening the book again. After giving him another grumpy glance I started to read quietly, finding that reciting the poem did actually manage to calm my nerves a bit. "_Lonely on the land I walk, lonely cross the sea I sail, lonely air of beach I stroll - this lonely life doth take its toll,_" I read. I heard Carlisle turning his gaze from the road, as if to hear better.

I kept reading and tried to ignore his heavy gaze, realising that the poem I liked so much was rather depressing. "_Lonely do these thoughts me make, that draw my blood of precious life; replace with stream of flowing pain, to bless my veins with coursing strife_."

I glanced at Carlisle. His golden eyes were thoughtful, and quirked his brow, prodding me to continue.

"_Lonely years are now my friends, lonely cries bereft of sound, lonely tears that cool my face, in lonely life of sullen pace._"

It was quiet for a while after I had finished - as quiet as it could be inside a moving car.

Carlisle cleared his throat. "It's a beautiful poem," he stated simply. "Do you feel that... it describes you somehow?" he asked cautiously.

I shrugged. "I don't know. I guess it could have, some time ago," I admitted, giving him a glance. "Do _you_ think that it describes me?"

Carlisle turned his gaze back towards the road, his expression ruminative. He was silent for a minute or two, and when he spoke again, his tone was veiled with prudence, as if he worried about offending me.

"It's a beautiful poem," he repeated his earlier words. "It speaks of loneliness and desolation... And it makes me think, that one can be lonely even in the middle of a crowd," he mused.

"So... you're saying that loneliness is a state of mind," I said.

He was quiet again, licking his lips quickly. "It can be," he answered cautiously, turning his head to gaze at me.

I started to regret reading that poem. Why hadn't I chosen something happier?

"You seem lonely sometimes," he stated quietly, that same deliberation in his tone. "Even when there's people around you."

There was no accusation in his tone. But nonetheless, his words made me feel somehow resigned, like he was critizising me.

Carlisle noticed my tense posture, and his expression changed from cautious to regretful. And then I understood the earlier prudence and hesitation in his voice. He really _was_ worried about offending me somehow, trying to prevent me from being on my toes.

And I felt guilty - Carlisle didn't deserve that. He shouldn't constantly have to worry about insulting me, or be afraid that he had said something too much.

But what choice had I given him? I hadn't exactly proved to be eager to talk about things. As if not talking would make it all disappear.

Carlisle had turned his gaze back towards the road, a small frown furrowing his brow. He opened his mouth but no words came out, but I knew what he was going to say. He was trying to form an apology, an apology which he shouldn't have to feel the need to make in the first place.

I released my other hand from the book, touching my fingers lightly against Carlisle's right hand that rested on the gearshift.

He turned his head towards me, the look in his eyes both surprised and curious.

"I'm not that lonely," I said quietly. "Not when I'm with you."

I couldn't decipher his expression. The look in his eyes was suddenly oddly soft. A small smile tugged at the corner of his lips, and his hand grasped my fingers. I noticed that the movement had a strange urgency in it.

After a moment he released my hand, reaching out for the book in my lap. He propped it against the steering wheel, browsing through it quickly.

After finding what he was looking for, he gave the book back to me, tapping his finger at the last paragraph and turning his gaze back to the road. A soft smile was still adorning his face, and I turned to the book, suddenly extremely curious.

I didn't read it out loud, only reciting the last paragraph quietly in my mind. Selfishly attempting to possess each word, stealing the sensations caused by them, and enjoying it all immensely.

_But we must realise - _

_Our flaming want is meant to be! _

_We are the ocean and the sea; _

_The earth and moon; the sturdy tree:_

_All that makes the 'You and Me.' _

_And this is why I ache._

_I wish to start again with thee,_

_In close and gripping_

_Synergy of love._

It seemed implausible that doing something as simple as sharing two poems with each other had revealed so much to the both of us. It was like having a private conversation that only we could understand.

_We are the ocean and the sea, the earth and moon; the sturdy tree... all that makes the 'You and Me.'..._

A smile rose to my lips.

Carlisle gazed at me, the endless pools of golden light holding that same peculiar softness. He leaned closer to me, and I experienced the same softness in his lips as he brushed them against my cheek.

And that one small gesture told me more than a thousand poems.

* * *

"Okay," I breathed, closing the door of the car a little bit too violently. _Here we go._

Carlisle gave me a small smile as he rounded the car and walked over to me, tucking my hand into his elbow. "It'll be fine," he whispered.

Alice and Jasper were already walking across the snow-covered yard, Emmett and Rosalie at their tail. The cool crystals scrunched under their feet, the sound seeming too loud in my ears.

I used five seconds to study my surroundings; there was a lot of snow. More snow that I had ever seen in anywhere. The pines and spruces were covered in it, as were the mountains surrounding a huge wooden house.

The building was beautiful, very idyllic. But before I had the chance to study it more closely, four vampires with fluid movements neared Jasper and Alice, claiming my attention.

Carlisle started to move towards the small group of embracing creatures, and I had no choice but to walk with him. I squeezed the fabric of his shirt in my fingers, my nervousness increasing a little.

A man with dark hair was shaking hands with Emmett. I watched closely the peculiar color of his skin; it was pale, but with a light olive cast. He had to be Eleazar.

They were all very beautiful. It didn't surprise me a bit. The photos I had seen of them couldn't completely portray their elegance.

"Carlisle," greeted a woman with strawberry blonde hair. I had an urge to blink as she glided towards us, and I idly admitted to myself that she was stunning.

I felt Carlisle releasing my hand from the crook his elbow, and the woman embraced her. For a long time. There was something very warm and familiar in the way she clung to Carlisle, and as she rose on her toes to pepper his cheek with kisses, I tried to stifle the stab of jealousy.

She released Carlisle eventually, and after that another woman with longer and even more fair hair appeared, and she welcomed Carlisle with another warm embrace.

I realised that Carlisle wasn't the only one getting hugs. Nearly everyone around me were either shaking hands or squeezing the air out of each other. A third woman with dark hair and that same peculiar olive tint in her skin was hugging Alice, muttering quiet words with a smile. I couldn't understand what she was saying, but I thought that the language she spoke was Spanish.

I started to feel like an outsider, even more so than before, standing there in the middle of the group of vampires who were rejoicing and celebrating their reunion with warm embraces and words of longing. I didn't know where to look - the woman with dark hair was now clinging to Carlisle, and giving a kiss on his cheek, while the two blonde ones attacked Jasper and Rosalie.

There was a strange atmosphere in this reunion. There was joy and happiness in the air, but also slight wistfulness in everyone's expressions. Sadness, that only they could completely understand.

I studied the white ground, trying to forget my discomfort. The snowflakes stuck to my black sneakers, and I was quietly satisfied that I hadn't let Alice turn my head about those stupid heels.

Eventually Jasper sensed my discomfort over the situation, and a wave of serenity washed over me. I lifted my gaze from the ground to give him a small smile.

"Where's Irina?" Rosalie asked after receiving a firm handshake from the dark-haired man.

"She will be back shortly," he answered, and there was a barely detectable accent in his words. Human ears wouldn't have been able to catch the difference. "She and Laurent were hoping to return from their hunting trip before your arrival, but it seems that they are a bit late."

The man's dark golden eyes turned to me then, and he watched me with an open curiosity. But his eyes were very friendly and warm, and that's why his gaze didn't feel intrusive.

It seemed that the three painfully beautiful women had given enough of their attention to Carlisle, since they returned to stand next to the man I thought to be Eleazar. The woman with long and dark brown hair leaned against his side.

Carlisle's hand on my shoulder made me look up at him, and the look in his eyes was very soft again. And maybe a little apologizing, as if he was sorry about not introducing the foreign creatures to me in the first place.

He looked me almost admiringly, and I found myself forgetting the three beautiful women who had been so eager to touch him earlier. It was silly to be jealous.

The small group of unfamiliar vampires were all looking at me now very curiously, and I tried to ignore the urge to cringe. I hated to be the center of everyone's attention.

Carlisle cleared his throat, his arm wrapping around my shoulders. "Bella," he said, starting the introductions easily and naturally. "This is Eleazar and Carmen," he nodded towards the two vampires with dark hair and pale olive skins. They both smiled at me warmly, and I felt my nerves settling a bit.

The woman - Carmen - stepped closer to shake my hand. It almost seemed that she restrained herself from embracing me, as if not to scare me or something. "It's very nice to meet you finally, Bella," she said with her flawless English. The accent was even more hard to detect that it had been in Eleazar's voice.

The latter stepped closer, also to shake my hand. "It's nice to meet you, too," I answered politely, starting to relax a bit.

"I'm Tanya," the woman with strawberry blonde curls said and stepped closer to squeeze my hand. "And this is my sister Kate," she introduced and turned to the woman with long hair of corn silk.

She nodded to me with a polite smile.

"Hi," I breathed, my shyness starting to annoy me.

"Did the journey go well?" Eleazar asked from Carlisle.

His arm wrapped around me more tightly and there was a smile in his voice. "Extremely well," he answered. "Bella exceeded all my expectations, as always. There was no trouble at all." There was pride in his tone, and I looked down to the ground, his praises making me feel awkward.

Eleazar looked pondering as he nodded, motioning towards the house with his hand and beconing us to go inside.

The very small part of my brain that wasn't observing the Denalis took in the decor. There was a lot of warm and dark materials in the house, and it was an odd contrast to the fair and creamy colors I had gotten used to in Vancouver. The floor was made of hardwood as it was back home, but the shade of it was more fair.

And the house smelled different. I tried to distinguish the unfamiliar scents of the four vampires in the room, unsuccesfully.

The living room where Tanya led us to was large, and the same warmth could be sensed there. The fire crackled and spat in the fireplace, creating a red glow inside the dim room. It was still night outside - it had taken a little over a day to drive in here. Jasper and Carlisle had overestimated the time the journey might take.

Carmen beckoned us to sit down with a smile. Emmett and Rosalie took their seats on the couch while Jasper sat next to Eleazar, pulling Alice into his lap.

Tanya and Kate threw curious glances at us when Carlisle pulled me to sit down with him on the other couch, clasping my hand in the process. The Denalis had no idea about us being together; Carlisle had said that it was something that shouldn't be discussed over the phone.

I wondered what they would think about the mating bond. Would they be perplexed or delighted? What would it be like for them to see Carlisle with someone else instead of Esme?

The next half an hour passed with exchanging news and pleasantries. Most of the time Tanya and Carmen were speaking, asking questions from the Cullens and vice versa. I started to feel more comfortable, although from time to time the Denalis studied me with an endless curiosity. It made me feel self-conscious, and I started to feel like a caged animal in a zoo.

"So Bella," Tanya stated with her honeyed voice after a few minutes of casual conversation. I stiffened. "Why don't you tell us something about yourself? We don't know much about you."

Carlisle tightened his arm around my shoulders quickly, the gesture sympathetic. He knew how much I hated being the center of everyone's focus.

I didn't know what to say - what did they want to hear? Did they want me telling about my childhood pets and hobbies? My favorite color? What?

"I'm not that interesting," I chuckled, trying to break the expectant silence and ignore the pairs of staring eyes.

"That is not true," Carlisle disagreed softly, his fingers kneading the skin of my arm. I drew strength from his touch, trying to settle my nerves.

Carmen chuckled, smiling warmly at me. I realised that it was difficult not to like her. "Where were you born?" she asked, seeming genuinely curious.

"In Forks," I answered. "But I've lived most of my life elsewhere."

"Where?" Kate asked, swiping her long hair of silk to rest on her other shoulder.

"I grew up mostly in California and Arizona," I answered, trying to keep my tone casual and preventing any memories from arising into my mind. "A few years ago I moved back to Forks, and that's how I met Carlisle's family."

Carlisle's fingers kneaded my skin again, the gesture very affectionate. "And I've been the cause of the constant drama ever since," I chuckled, trying to make the conversation more light.

Everyone chuckled quietly, although Carlisle's soft snort was a little disapproving; he obviously didn't enjoy my little joke.

"Yeah," Emmett joined in with the ever-teasing glimmer in his eyes. "Bella is a real drama queen."

"Don't mind him," Alice quipped to the Denalis. "He's just bitter because Bella keeps winning him in arm wrestling."

Eleazar laughed. "I guess there's a first time for everything."

"How long have you been a vampire?" Kate asked, narrowing her eyes and seeming to study mine.

"About four months," I answered.

"Your eyes are really golden," Tanya commented, a small frown furrowing her brow.

"She's been feeding on animals only," Carlisle stepped in. "The red color faded surprisingly quickly."

"So," Eleazar pondered and leaned forward on the couch, linking his fingers and leaning his elbows against his knees. "You've never tasted human blood, then?"

I shook my head, slightly thrown about the stunned look in his eyes. Tanya and Kate exchanged a glance while Carmen smiled approvingly - I wondered if she ever stopped smiling. The warmth and compassion almost exuded from her.

"That's impressive," Eleazar stated. I leaned slightly forward on the couch to knock on the wooden floor, drawing a chuckle from him.

I was glad that the subject was left to that. I didn't want everyone enthusing about my history of non-existent human preys. I didn't want to downplay the fact that I hadn't killed anyone, because of course it was important that I hadn't. But it's not like I was the only one who hadn't taken a human life in order to feed - neither Carlisle or Rosalie had tasted human blood in their life.

After a while the blonde sisters and Carmen offered to show me the house and the surroundings. Alice and Rosalie came with us, even if they had seen the place dozens of times before.

I glanced behind me at the living room door, noticing that Carlisle had walked over to Eleazar and was now smiling at me encouraginly. I smiled back at him, stifling an urge to give him a wink. I was sure that it would confuse Eleazar.

The house had three floors, and the walls and the floor were made of the same shade of wood. The color of it was almost orange, bringing a nice feel of warmth into the house. The building had almost a cabinlike feel to it, but it was only a lot more open and bigger; at least ten cabins could fit into this house.

The first floor was very basic and had everything a normal house usually had. The second and the third floor consisted of several bedrooms, and Carmen explained that each couple had their own. Tanya and Kate shared one of the rooms with each other, since they were the only ones without mates - they kept joking about it all the time, wondering when their turn would be. Their room had no bed, and it resembled more like a huge lounge than a normal bedroom.

"Let's go outside," Tanya suggested, draping her arm over my shoulder in a friendly manner. "The house is surrounded by forests and mountains, and the wildlife is quite rich in here."

"Yeah," I chuckled as we made our way outside. "Emmett has been swooning over it for weeks."

Rosalie searched the dark sky with her eyes, and so did I. The amount of stars was perplexing.

It was a lot colder in here than Vancouver, I noticed, even when the spring was nearing. The cold didn't bother me. My body temperature was so low that I wondered how cold it would have to get until I would actually freeze. If vampires could freeze, that is.

"No _Luces del Norte_ tonight," Carmen sighed, sounding wishful.

I raised my brow - my Spanish was a little rusty.

"Northern Lights," Kate explained after noticing my confusion. "We get a lot of them from time to time."

"Have you ever seen them?" Carmen asked.

I shook my head, trying to imagine what they looked like. "I have heard of them, but never actually seen them."

"You have to stay here at least until you see them," Carmen demanded warmly. "Their beauty is unimaginable."

It was then when a very quiet sound reached my ears.

"Finally," Kate mumbled.

A few dozen yards away, two pairs of feet touched the ground almost soundlessly. Two beautiful creatures with supple movements emerged from the woods.

The woman - she had to be Irina - with her pale blonde hair was a stunning sight as she walked slowly across the white yard. The night sky relflected from her golden irises as she gazed at me curiously before turning her eyes to Alice and Rosalie. The recognition lighted up her eyes, and she nodded to them with a small smile.

Before the two vampires reached us, I turned my gaze towards the beautiful man with pallid skin, the dark olive tint of his complexion looking peculiar against the white scenery.

It had been difficult to imagine what it would be like to see Laurent again. It had been a long time since I had gazed at him with my poor human eyes, and the situation had been much more threatening. It had been years, but I still remembered Laurent's puzzlement over the fact that the Cullens wanted to protect me from James when he had decided to hunt me.

_"What's this?" Laurent exclaimed, openly surprised._

_I remembered Carlisle's firm words as his eyes followed James' crouched form, his short sentence of rebuff directed at him. "She's with us."_

_Laurent's involuntary step forward, his expression incredulous. "You brought a snack?" he asked._

_"I said she's with us," Carlisle corrected, his voice as hard and cool as steel._

I blinked away the memories - Laurent had little to do with that unlucky occurence. Although he had refused to go against James, he had agreed to leave in peace and that's exactly what he had done. I shouldn't judge him because of the menacing actions of his former coven leader.

"There you are," Tanya greeted her sister and Laurent. Both of their eyes were now directed at me as they studied my form shamelessly curiously.

"Sorry we missed your arrival," Irina said, her golden eyes darting between me and Alice. "We took a longer route than we had planned."

"It's alright," Rosalie answered. "We take no offense."

It was silent for a moment, and I realised how much the golden luster of Laurent's eyes changed his appearance. The last time I had seen him, his eyes had glown with the redness of human blood.

I started to feel slightly uncomfortable under their gazes - Laurent's especially. He still watched me with that odd curiosity, and it seemed that me being a vampire hadn't changed his attitude towards me at all.

_"Are you sure it's worth it?" Laurent asked, looking utterly perplexed._

_"I'm afraid you're going to have to make a choice." Carlisle gaze was grave, not leaving any room for doubts._

"Isabella," he suddenly addressed me, his French accent shining through in his voice. "Long time no see."

I didn't know why his presence and words made me feel so uncomfortable. His gaze locked me into place, and I thought that I could almost see the soundless mockery in his eyes.

I lifted my chin despite of my uncertainty, deciding that he had no right to make me feel so unsettled; like I was somehow inferior to him.

A lazy smile curved Laurents lips, and the look in his eyes that resembled almost arrogance changed into more submissive one.

Irina stepped closer with a cautious smile, unlinking her fingers from Laurent's. She lifted her hand to a greeting and I took it, her handshake quick but firm.

"I'm Irina," she said. "You're Isabella?"

"Just Bella," I corrected with a smile.

"Hello, Bella. It's nice to meet you finally." Irina still wore that small smile that was a little reserved. She somehow reminded me of Jasper. There was a certain distance in this woman, and I thought that maybe she just wasn't that social by nature. I could totally relate to that.

Laurent's golden eyes captured me again, and he smiled that easy smile I had seen before. "It's a pleasure to meet you once more," he agreed. "Although this time the circumstances are a bit different."

His latter sentence held many different points, and it unnerved me that I didn't know which one of them he meant. Many things had changed for me and for him; I was no longer a human so I couldn't make anyone drool because of the scent of my blood. He was no longer feeding on humans and had left his earlier coven. James was dead, and Victoria was god knows where.

"They are very different," I agreed formally, realising that I had been awfully quiet for the whole time. I didn't know what was bothering me, but something in the situation made me uncomfortable.

Laurent watched me with that same odd curiosity, and another lazy smile formed on his dark lips. He almost looked amused. It was like he was laughing silently with himself at a personal joke of some sort.

The door of the house had opened during my little behaviour analysis, and I vaguely heard Irina's delighted voice as she greeted the rest of the Cullens. Laurent released my gaze, the tantalizing smile on his lips changing into a polite one as he turned his eyes towards the group behind my back.

I rather felt more than saw Carlisle coming to stand next to me, his fingers brushing my arm in a questioning manner. I blinked, but the unnerved sensation caused by Laurent still lingered.

There was a dozen questions in Carlisle's eyes as he watched me with a small frown. He didn't say anything though, only wrapped his arm around my shoulders and drew me against his side. There was a strange possessiveness in that gesture, like he was staking his claim.

I kind of liked that.

Laurent had engaged Jasper and Emmett in a conversation, the wide smile on his face easy and relaxed. He seemed to fit in very well with the Denalis, and he seemed to be very comfortable in everyone's presence. Why was it then, that he made me so uncomfortable? And why did he look at me differently than the others?

Irina turned away from Rosalie after giving her a quick hug, turning to Carlisle with that same reserved smile. I saw her mind working behind her eyes as her gaze stopped at Carlisle's possessive arm on my shoulders. The small frown was gone before it even formed completely, and she nodded to Carlisle politely, saying that it was good to see him again.

"You as well," Carlisle answered, and the insecure part of myself was a bit glad that Irina hadn't started to cuddle him with kisses like the other sisters had.

I thought that it would've been a strange sight for human eyes if one happened to witness these few short moments; a dozen creatures with bloodless clear skins and pure golden eyes, under the starry sky in the middle of the night, standing in the ankle-deep snow.

I wondered what one might think after witnessing that. Surely we all looked a bit crazy, standing here in the freezing air and dressed in such light clothing. Few would think that this was the reunion of two vampire families, and even less would believe it.

And now when I thought about it myself, the notion did sound a little unbelievable. Supernatural, and even a bit magical.

Carlisle's side was warm against my body, and I realised that I was gladly part of this absurd and implausible reunion, that no mortal eyes could witness or believe.

* * *

It was very silent in the room.

The silence didn't last _that_ long - it only felt like it. The time always tended to slow down in situations like this.

It was Eleazar who broke the silence after a few seconds, a small smile playing on his lips.

"That's... wonderful news," he stated simply, exchaning a joyful smile with Carmen.

After Laurent and Irina had returned from their hunting trip, we had all come back inside and Carlisle had glanced at me questioningly. I knew what had been going through his mind. He wanted to share the news of our relationship with the Denalis, and his gaze was a soundless permission to deliver those news.

I had complied by nodding my head, knowing how much Carlisle detested sneaking around and hiding, especially from the people he considered as his own family.

And so we had settled back into the living room, and I had realised that I wasn't nearly as nervous about sharing the news with the Denalis as I had been when telling about us to Rosalie and Emmett.

Carlisle had taken the control over the conversation as expected, clasping my hand and giving me warm looks almost constantly while he shared our story with the Denalis.

Tanya's eyebrows almost had hit her hairline when Carlisle told about the mating bond between us, and she had exchanged a quick glance with Kate. Both of their smiles had been pleasantly surprised, but there was still something submissive in their eyes as they studied Carlisle's hand that was clasping my own.

"They were so stubborn and blind at the beginning that it wasn't even funny anymore," Alice quipped, receiving a chuckle from Carmen and Eleazar.

"The congratulations are in order," Tanya smiled. The others mumbled their agreement, nodding and smiling. Especially Eleazar, and I thought that I could even see a hint of relief in his eyes as he gazed at Carlisle.

It made me realise that the Denalis wouldn't resent the affection between Carlisle and myself. They were only very happy for him, and it must be a relief for them to see him with someone instead of having to spend an eternity alone.

After sharing the news, Carlisle's hands left my skin very rarely. He was constantly touching me or tucking me under his arm, casting affectionate glances at me every now and then.

All in all, the first night in Alaska seemed to be going quite well. My interacting with the Denalis was still quite stiff and forced, and I comforted myself by thinking that I had an eternity to learn to know them better. The easiest person to be with was probably Carmen. She was a very warm person, and her eyes were constantly lit up with a smile. Her mate, Eleazar, was also an easy person to make a conversation with. He seemed to be a very good friend to Carlisle, and it made me wonder how much he had missed his old friend during the months.

After twenty minutes of non-stop conversation between those two, I decided to rise from Carlisle's embrace and leave them be for a while, so they could catch up properly. Giving Carlisle a smile, I made my way across the room and answered his questioning gaze.

"I'm gonna go and see where Alice went," I explained to get an excuse. "And Carmen told me about some strange lights that can be seen in the night sky every now and then," I mumbled, not knowing how else to explain the phenomenon. I didn't much about Northern Lights.

Both men chuckled at my description.

"_Aurora Borealis_," Eleazar clarified with a smile. "You're not probably going to see them tonight, though, because there has been no solar storms during the last few days."

I decided that one day I was going to find out what a solar storm was. I remembered that I had heard it in high school, but those human memories were fuzzy.

_Luces del Norte, Aurora Borealis, Northern lights,_ I thought. How many names did this one light show actually have? I would have to ask Carlisle about that.

"Okay," I stated, still deciding that I wanted to leave to give the two men more time and privacy. "I'll just pretend that I understood what you just said, and then I'll go find Alice instead," I jested.

Eleazar laughed, the smile on his face friendly and kind, and I was glad that he understood my little joke. Carlisle smiled at me from the couch, and the sight of him made me almost change my mind. He looked so inviting sitting over there with that affectionate smile, his whole essence calling me in.

I gave him a quick smile before I would actually change my mind and curl beside him again, turning around and making my way through the house that was filled with different voices and sounds. This place was so different from home - there was not a second of silence in the house. It was mostly nice, but I found myself missing the calmness of the fair-colored house in the middle of the forest.

I found Alice from the third floor with Carmen and Rosalie. I hesitated at the doorway of the large bedroom as the three pairs of eyes turned to glance at me. They were all hunched over a large desk, and my eyes picked out several scattered pictures and photoalbums resting on the sleek surface.

"Bella," Carmen greeted joyfully, beckoning me to step inside. "Come join us."

I stepped inside the room with a cautious smile, walking over to the others to see what they were doing.

"Carmen is showing us her photographs," Rosalie explained. Standing next to Carmen they looked complete opposites - Carmen was very dark with her long and wavy brown hair that was almost black, while Rosalie's locks were pure golden. It was difficult to decide which woman was more beautiful.

"You're a photographer?" I asked, my eyes studying the row of pictures scattered on the desk. Most of them were black and white, all of them very artistic.

"I enjoy it immensely," Carmen explained with a nod. "Thank goodness for digital photography - otherwise I would probably use hundreds rolls of film in a week. Although I do like my old cameras more than the newest techonology. There's just something exiting about it when you get to spend time in the calmness of the darkroom, seeing how the figures and shapes transform into photographs."

Alice gave me a pile of pictures from the desk and I studied them admiringly.

"Do you like to take pictures from something specific?" I asked, trying to find something common from the pictures. Some of them portayed the mountains or the sunrise, while the others showed things that were almost ordinary - like windows or clocks. But all of them were very beautiful, and they had a certain charm in them.

"I don't have any specific interest," Carmen answered. "One day, I might photograph pine needles almost obsessively, and the next day I might take interest in the golden hues of Irina's hair. It varies."

"These are all very beautiful," I complimented. "You're an artist."

Carmen was pleased about my comments, but stated modestly that photography was a simple selfish pleasure to her.

The next hour or two passed while admiring the pictures and browsing through the albums. There were a _lot_ of them. Kate and Tanya joined us after a while, informing that Jasper and Emmett had left for a hunt. I wondered if they'd ever come back again - Emmett was presumably ecstatic about the amount of hibernating grizzly bears.

It wasn't until the early morning hours when I got up from the small couch I had spent my last hours on, and then I realised that Carlisle's and Eleazar's quiet conversation couldn't be heard from downstairs anymore.

I excused myself quietly from the room, sneaking down the two flights of stairs and wondering where he had gone. Maybe he had decided to go for a hunt with Eleazar.

I peeked outside through the living room window. The scenery outside was still dusky and covered with different tones of blue and purple. It made me wonder how late the sun rose in here.

Alice skittered to me after a minute or two.

"Do you know where Carlisle is?" I asked, trying to focus my hearing to detect his honeyed voice from the vicinity the house.

Alice looked suddenly a bit wistful, and then she gave me a small smile that didn't quite reach her eyes.

"He's... in the forest."

I quirked my brow, not understanding, and glanced outside again with a small frown.

"He always goes there when we return," Alice explained quietly. "There's... a place," she hesitated, "a few miles to the north where he likes to go."

"What place?" I asked, although a feeling had started to dawn within me. The sadness in Alice made me think that it had something to do with Edward and Esme.

"You'll see," Alice whispered. "Go straight to the north and you'll find it easily," she advised quietly.

"Are you sure?" I asked, suddenly a little nervous. "I mean, does he want me there? Maybe he went there to be alone."

Alice shook her head, giving me a small smile. "Just go," she said, and her tone was a little more breezy. "It's headwind so you should find him easily."

I was a little unnerved as I stepped outside into the cold air, starting to make my way towards the direction Alice had told me to go. I didn't know what I was going to find, and it wasn't only the destination that made me unsettled - I hoped no humans ever hiked this far. Although it was unlikely that anyone would be up this early.

I let the traces of musk and linen fill my senses as I ran soundlessly through the sleeping forest towards the mountains. After a few miles of running, my ears picked up soft sounds and I slowed down, the snow whirling and puffing around my feet. Between the trees I saw a small clearing, and I stepped closer towards the pure white area.

The clearing was almost perfectly round, and I wondered if it was naturally formed. The pines and spruces circled the small haven, creating shadows and shades on the powdery surface of the snow.

Carlisle was kneeled on the other side of the clearing with his knees buried in the white snow. I couldn't see his expression because his back was towards me, and I hesitated before taking one step towards his half-sitting form.

And then I heard the soft sound that I had heard before; Carlisle's lips opened and closed, forming words that weren't meant for my ears.

"Be gracious to me, O Lord, for I am in distress; my eye is wasted away from grief, my soul and my body also," Carlisle whispered.

I had an urge to turn back and leave him be. The moment felt so intimate, so personal, and I felt that I had no place in here. There was grief in his words, and I had nothing to offer to him to make him feel better.

"For my life is spent with sorrow and my years with sighing; my strength has failed because of my iniquity, and my body has wasted away..."

I stood still, unaware of what to do. What if he had come here to seek solitude and privacy? What if he didn't want me here, to witness this moment? He hadn't asked me to come here with him. He had left without even informing anyone. It had to mean that he wanted to be alone.

But something - I didn't know what - compelled me to take another step forward, and I moved quietly, insecure if I should make my presence known somehow. Carlisle hadn't indicated that he knew I was here.

"... and an object of dread to my acquaintances; those who see me in the street flee from me..."

He continued his soft whispering, and I wondered if it was a prayer of some sort. I had never heard it before. Although, I didn't know much about religion and praying anyways. I vaguely remembered my grandmother saying once that praying was having a private conversation with God. Did it mean that I should leave him be?

I almost turned around, indecisive.

"I am forgotten as a dead man," Carlisle whispered, lowering his chin against his chest. "Out of mind; I am like a broken vessel, for I have heard the slander of many..."

As he continued his soft whispering, I quietly wondered in my mind the significance of this place.

A hunch creeped into my mind when I happened to think that what if this was the place where the newborns had attacked - what if this was Edward's and Esme's last place of rest? But then I remembered that they had been hunting on that day, farther away on the mountains.

The realisation made me oddly relieved. I didn't know why the thought of standing in a place they had died horrified me so much.

Maybe this place had no certain meaning. It was of course very beautiful, and I idly wondered what it would look like during the summer when there was no snow.

"I am only a sinner," Carlisle kept praying very quietly, his voice dropping so low that I couldn't make out the words for a while. "...deign by Thy Holy Sacrifice, to appease the justice of Thy Father and open Heaven to those poor souls who languish far from Thee. Amen."

He sat still and quiet a few more seconds before raising his head and sighing. The sound was sad - there was almost tiredness in it.

Eventually he started to get up, and I had no choice but to let him see me. I hoped that he wouldn't be insulted by my presence.

Carlisle turned and took a step towards me, the snow clinging to his dark jeans. His gaze was on the ground two more seconds before he sensed my presence, halting abruptly and lifting his head to gaze at me.

The look in his eyes... it was surprised, wistful and lost. Mostly lost.

"I'm sorry," I whispered from across the clearing, knowing that he could hear me.

A small frown furrowed his brow, and he gave me a confused smile before making his way to me.

"Why do you apologize?" he asked softly as he stopped in front of me, lifting his hand to brush my chin with his thumb.

I hadn't expected any lectures from him - as if he ever got mad. But his relaxed stance still surprised me, given the fact that I had techically eavesdropped his private moment.

"I didn't mean to intrude your privacy," I explained.

"You are not intruding," he assured quietly. "How did you know where I was?"

"Alice," I shrugged, peeking Carlisle under my eyelashes. There was a tinge of sadness in his golden eyes, but mostly he seemed to be deep in thought. "She said that you come here everytime you return to Alaska," I said carefully.

Carlisle nodded, his eyes sweeping the forest behind us.

"This is a peaceful place to come," he mused. "And I'm glad that you decided to come to me. My intention was to show this place to you, in any case."

He stooped slightly, his hands brushing the snow from his knees. I drew in a careful breath, hesitating. "I almost didn't come," I admitted softly.

Carlisle straightened, a confused frown furrowing his forehead.

"Why?"

I studied the fabric of his dark blue shirt, trying to put my earlier hesitation into words.

"I thought that maybe you came here to seek seclusion," I explained. "That maybe you wanted to be by yourself. And I didn't want to disturb you."

The look in his eyes was very soft as he gazed at me, his fingers picking up a strand of hair and brushing it across my cheek. "But you came," he stated quietly.

I shrugged, trying to read his tone and expression. "Yeah," I breathed. "Should I not have? I get it if you wanted to be - "

Carlisle shook his head with a smile, interrupting my flow of words.

"You will never hear me say that I'd rather be alone than be with you," he declared quietly and pressed a soft kiss on my lips.

I gave him a small smile, my eyes sweeping the clearing again. I realised that it resembled the small meadow in Forks, the one that Edward had shown me all those years ago.

"It's beautiful in here," I whispered.

"It is," Carlisle agreed softly, and I really couldn't blame him for returning here time after time. This place was very peaceful.

I could have stayed there even longer, but eventually we started to make our way through the forest towards the house.

"Do you like the Denalis?" Carlisle asked as we walked amongst the trees slowly, hand in hand.

"Yeah," I nodded. "They're all very nice. I didn't know why I was so nervous about coming here."

"So you were nervous?" Carlisle asked, finally succeeding in drawing that small confession out of me.

"A bit, I guess," I chuckled.

We walked in silence for a while, until Carlisle suddenly released my hand and drew me against his side instead, wrapping his arm around my shoulders.

"Did Laurent upset you somehow earlier?" he asked, hesitating.

I remembered the discomfort I had felt in the presence of that dark-haired man, not sure how to answer. "Not really," I said. "He just makes me uncomfortable for some reason."

Carlisle glanced at me, a small frown on his face. "Why?" he asked. "Did he say something that bothered you?"

"No," I shrugged. "I don't know what got to me. Maybe I'm just thinking about him as the person he was all those years ago... It's not very fair to him, now when I think about it."

Carlisle looked pondering, but he didn't deny my words. "I haven't been able to get the whole picture about him during these few times when I've seen him," he ruminated. "There's something elusive about him."

"What do you mean?"

Carlisle shook his head, unsure. "I can't say," he sighed. "It might be that I'm only imagining things." His fingers kneaded the skin of my shoulder as he glanced at me, trying to hide his concern with a smile. "Tell me if he says something that troubles you," he asked.

"What will you do if he does?" I asked with a teasing smile. "Would you kick his ass?"

An amused smile tugged at the corner of Carlisle's lips. "Perhaps, if the words won't sink in," he answered, but behind his amusement I saw seriousness.

I laughed quietly. "I can't imagine you getting angry at anyone," I confessed. "You wouldn't have to do that for me."

Carlisle brushed a strand of hair behind my ear, the small smile still adorning his face. "I'm quite strict when it comes to you," he said softly, and that small sentence made me feel oddly pleased. "I would do anything for you."

I found myself at a loss of words. All the teasing comments disappered from my head, and I lifted my gaze from the white ground to look into his eyes.

Honesty - that's what I saw. Honesty and beauty, generosity and stability...

Love.

And I asked myself; what had I done to earn this amazing man with the heart bigger than all the oceans in the world? How was it, that after all these years of heartache and loneliness, I had found the things I hadn't even been consciously searching for, in this one man?

He was the compassion himself. He was good and kind and strong and sweet - the inner serenity he possessed managed to still every storm that had raved and foamed inside me.

"You're everything," I whispered in return and pressed my ear against his chest. And I could swear that I could hear the heart beating inside his marble body. It was a beautiful sound. "You're everything to me."

I felt his arms wrapping around me, shielding and harboring, protecting, as they always had.

The vague sensation of homesickness I had been experiencing all night was suddenly gone as Carlisle's lips brushed against my forehead. Because wherever he was, I belonged there with him, and that place was home for me.

"As you are to me," he whispered quietly against my hair.

I believed him.

And we stayed there for a long time, under the sky of Alaska filled with stars, far from home and still not that far away.

Because Carlisle was my home, and wherever he was, I would be too.

* * *

**AN:** There you go, a tiny refreshment to the story in the form of the Denalis :)

The poem Bella recites is _Lonely Life_ by Mark R Slaughter, and the poem Carlisle shows to her is called _Synergy of Love,_ also by Mark R Slaughter. Carlisle's prayer in the forest is mostly from the _Psalm_ _31:9-13_, but there's also a short piece of_ The Prayer for the suffering souls_ at the end of his prayer.

The two flashbacks Bella experiences in Laurent's presence are from the book _Twilight_. The quotes aren't direct, I twisted the depiction from her point of view during the moments, but the dialog is the same. You can see that Carlisle was very protective of her even back then ;)

The information about Sasha and the rest of the Denalis can be found from the site called Twilight Saga Wiki.

Keep those reviews coming, they make my day! The spring has arrived here in Finland, but I'm stuck indoors because I have an awful flu :( The good thing is that I have more time to write :)


	43. Chapter 43: Luminous

**Stephenie Meyer owns Twilight :)**

* * *

_**You see that girl, yeah her.**_

_**She seems so invincible, right.**_

_**But just touch her and she'll flinch.**_

_**She has secrets and she trusts no one.**_

_**She's the perfect example of betrayal,**_

_**because everyone she ever trusted, broke her.**_

- Unknown -

* * *

**Luminous**

CPOV

"She's complicated."

I turned my eyes reluctantly from the scene before me. Three hundred yards away, the members of my family were having a moment of puerility, and the sight made me smile involuntarily.

Bella screeched loudly when Emmett whipped her around in his arms before attempting to throw her on a huge pile of snow he had made with Jasper. Tanya and Alice laughed as Bella turned mid-air before colliding with the snow, landing on the balls of her feet and on her palms, lithely like a cat. I saw her scooping up the powdery snow with her hands, sending a whirling and glimmering cloud of snow towards Emmett.

I turned away from the scene of joy, studying Eleazar's expression and considering his quiet words.

"She is," I agreed, whispering to keep our conversation private. "Her nature is very complex. Everytime I think that I'm getting closer to understanding her, I only learn how little I truly know."

Eleazar's eyes were understanding as he nodded, turning his gaze towards the scene unfolding before us. The window blurred the view slightly, and I found myself hoping that we would stand outside and much closer so I could watch my family with no distractions.

"Does it ever frustrate you?" Eleazar asked. "That she's so... withdrawn and remote?"

"I wouldn't call it frustration," I mused, pondering his question. "It's more like a compelling need to learn everything about her. And at times she's not that remote - not anymore. Bella has come a long way, and considering her past she needs delicate and patient handling."

Eleazar smiled. "Then she's with the right man, I must say."

I laughed shortly, turning my eyes towards the treeline again. There was a wide smile on Bella's face and she laughed loudly, grabbing Jasper's shoulder together with Rosalie. The two women drowned the poor man in the snow. It was difficult to believe that the smiling girl before my eyes was the same one I had met all those months ago in a dismal hospital room, depressed and defeated by a lethal illness.

"What do you sense in her?" I asked curiously, wondering if Bella was somehow gifted like Jasper and Alice were. Not that it mattered to me. She was the same precious woman I loved, gift or no gift.

Eleazar frowned, looking oddly uncertain. "I am not sure," he pondered. "As I said, she very complex. I've been trying to get a read on her for the past two days."

"So she doesn't have any special talent, then?" I queried, wondering how Bella would feel about that. I hoped she wouldn't be disappointed. She had been playing with the idea of having one, several times.

"I'm not saying that," Eleazar corrected. "She almost resembles a shield, but I can't be sure."

I had heard something about shields, and even met a person who possessed one. But my knowledge couldn't compare to Eleazar's expertise. "It's quite rare, though?" I asked. "The individuals who possess such a power?"

Eleazar nodded, the look in his eyes appreciative. "I've been giving this a lot of thought. You know that there are different kinds of shields," he explained, and I gave him a nod.

"There are shields that can block physical attacks, and then there are ones that block only mental ones. And then there's Afton for example - Chelsea's mate - who can make himself invisible with his shield."

"Are you saying that Bella possesses one of these shields?" I asked, hoping that Aro would never find out about her. He would be too interested to have her in his guard. Aro was a collector, and his interest in talented vampires could near obsession at times.

"Perhaps," Eleazar replied. "Edward couldn't read her mind when she was a human. That indicates that her mind is very protected. It could mean that she has the ability to block mental intruders."

I nodded again, my eyes following Tanya as she buried Emmett in the snow with Irina. Laughter erupted again.

"Of course," Eleazar continued, "shields have always limitations. Weaknesses. Even though Edward couldn't read her mind, Alice can see her future and Jasper can sense her emotions. Although, Alice's gift is not that related to her mind than it is to the flow of time and the physical consequences following one's decision. But the fact that I can sense these small things about Bella indicates that her shield is either not fully developed, or then the fact that I can read her is merely another limitation."

"Hmm." I took in the information I had received, pondering carefully. Bella glanced towards the house as if she had sensed my gaze, her dark hair covered with snow and her eyes glistening with laughter. I raised my hand and gave her a smile.

She smiled back widely, but the short moment of distraction allowed Emmett to tackle her. Their playing seemed awfully fierce and rough at times, and I had an urge to tell Emmett to handle more carefully, even when I knew that she couldn't get hurt.

"I wonder if..." I began, frowning as I returned in my memories to that one early morning weeks ago. "We were hunting with Bella some time ago," I explained quietly, turning back to Eleazar. "All of a sudden she started to act very strangely - she was awfully distressed, even frightened. She said that she had a feeling that someone was watching us from a distance. I have never seen her like that before, and it causes me to believe that her fear wasn't pointless. But I can't tell what she sensed. There were no prints on the ground, no scents to be smelled. Of course I didn't search the area as carefully as I could have. I might have missed something."

Eleazar frowned again, but then his face smoothed out as something I didn't comprehend started to dawn to him. He lifted his hand to his chin, rubbing his marble skin in a very human-like manner.

"How indefinite was her feeling of being watched?" Eleazar asked. "Was she directing her focus towards a specific direction, or was she unaware of the place where the possible threat came from?"

"She was staring at the mountains," I answered. "Her focus wasn't on one particular area, but the direction seemed to be clear for her."

Eleazar nodded, his eyes now curious as he watched Bella.

"Is it somehow significant?" I queried, wondering if he had realised something.

"Possibly," he aswered. "I'm not going to say anything yet - it would be better if we tested it."

"How?"

"I have a good exercise in my mind," Eleazar answered cryptically. "And when it comes to testing her possible mental shield, the fastest way to explore it would be Kate," Eleazar shrugged. "Although, I'm quite sure that you won't accept it."

I certainly wouldn't. Kate had the ability to generate an electrical current in her body. It was mostly a mental illusion, but the effects were very physical. I had experienced the power of her gift once , and the pain was stunning. I had tried it out of curiosity decades ago, and that one time had certainly been enough for me.

"If you can't be sure about Bella being able to block Kate's talent, I'm afraid I can't allow it," I answered, wondering how stubborn Bella might be about it.

"I can't be sure," Eleazar confirmed, laughing a little ruefully. "I'm sorry that I'm so useless, Carlisle," he apologized with a smile. "I've only been able to offer you bits and pieces of information, but nothing tangible. There's something elusive in your Isabella - I can detect traces and certain qualities in her, but I feel like I'm missing something. Perhaps we know more after tonight, once I've confirmed one of my theories."

I nodded, telling him he had no reason to apologize. "But your first feeling is that she's some sort of a shield?" I queried.

Eleazar nodded. "Possibly, but a very raw and undeveloped one. And if she is a shield, it'll take time until she can master it properly. It took Kate centuries to control hers."

Later in the evening I shared our conversation with Bella, telling her about Eleazar's suspicions and theories.

The noises of the house combined with my reassurances when I told her that there was no pressure to learn more about her gift.

"I don't care if you have a gift or not," I stated with a smile and kissed her. "It doesn't matter to me - you are still you, and I love you."

She smiled against my lips, her fingers playing with the hair in my neck. "I know," she whispered, pulling slightly back. "But I kind of want to know more about it. Is there any way for me to get a better understanding about that all?"

I brushed a lock of hair behind her ear. "Eleazar wants to try something out - I don't know what yet. And," I hesitated, debating with myself if I should tell about Kate and her ability. "Kate has the ability to run an electrical current through her body," I started, wondering if I regretted this afterwards.

"Okay," Bella frowned. "What does it have to do with the shield-thing that I possibly have?"

I sighed, licking my lips. "The electrical shock Kate can inflict is mostly an illusion of mind," I explained. Jasper and Eleazar appeared behind my back, having apparently aborted their activities to join the conversation. "It means that if you possess a mental shield, her power can't do you any harm."

"And if I don't have the shield?" Bella queried.

Emmett's rumbling voice sounded from outside. "It hurts like a bitch."

Bella raised her brow, biting her lip in a pondering manner.

"I want to try it," she declared.

Of course she did.

"Bella," I sighed. "Trust me when I say that you don't. Even if Kate used it with as little power as possible, the pain is indescribable. I've tried it myself years ago - I fell to my knees out of pain, and couldn't utter a word for two minutes."

"I want to try it," Bella stated again, and I noticed the stubborn set of her jaw. She wouldn't be easily dissuaded.

The others had joined us in the living room by now, our conversation having aroused their interest. Even Emmett stomped through the door - he hadn't come inside the house voluntarily for the whole day, wanting to enjoy the Alaska wilderness as much as possible while we were here.

"Please reconsider," I asked, brushing a lock of hair behind her ear. "Even if Eleazar's suspicions prove to be correct, it doesn't mean that your possible shield will work right away. It could take years to master it properly."

"But I want to try at least," Bella insisted - this was clearly important to her.

Bella peeked over my shoulder, without a doubt exchanging a glance with Kate. I surrendered with a sigh, turning to the blonde woman with a frown.

"Maybe we should wait until Alice gets back," Jasper suggested. Alice and Tanya had left hunting moments earlier. "She could tell you the outcome without actually having to try it."

"Thank you," I breathed soundlessly.

Bella glared at him and me, pursing up her lips. "But who knows when they'll get back? This is a much faster way."

"You're a masochist," Emmett quipped.

Bella ignored him, glancing at Kate expectantly. Eleazar stepped closer, curiosity evident in his expression.

"It won't cause any permanent damage," he said, comforting me with the fact I already knew.

"I know," I sighed. But nonetheless, the thought of seeing Bella in pain was simply unbearable.

"Alright," Kate shrugged. "I won't give you the whole charge," she informed Bella. "But people keep telling me that it still hurts, so..." she shrugged again.

I could only hope that Eleazar was right, and Bella indeed possessed the mental shield. But a very ominous feeling washed over me as I saw Kate holding out her hand towards Bella, and I knew what was going to happen before it even actually happened.

I took a step closer to Bella at the same time when Kate touched her arm with the tip of her finger. A static sound soared through the room, and a supressed cry left Bella's lips. I grabbed her arms just in time as her knees gave out, preventing her from falling to the floor.

She trembled in my arms, squeezing her eyes closed and grinding her teeth. "It wasn't that bad," she breathed, opening her golden eyes and gazing at me.

"You won't do that again," I declared. I had no wish to be domineering and tell her what to do, but I hated to see her in so much pain.

"It's okay," Bella insisted, pushing away from my body.

"Sorry," Kate apologized. "I did warn you."

"It's okay," Bella repeated, and before she could insist another try, Eleazar stepped closer to her and started to speak.

"I have another way to get a better picture about this," he stated, giving Bella a small smile. "And it doesn't involve electrical shocking of any kind. It even might help you to control this gift of yours."

Bella looked pondering. "Okay," she consented. "What do I have to do?"

Eleazar glanced around the room, seeming to weight the space with his gaze. "I wonder if we should be outside..." he mumbled with himself, but then shook his head. "No, we'd better start here."

Eleazar gave me a pointed look, and I released Bella reluctantly, stepping away from her.

"You need to close your eyes," Eleazar advised her.

Bella complied silently, her eyelids fluttering closed.

Eleazar's next question to Bella managed to puzzle me.

"How many vampires there are in the room, in addition to you?" he asked.

Bella frowned and her lids fluttered slightly, but she didn't open her eyes. I knew the question had surprised her, too.

"Nine," she answered. "But I knew it already."

Eleazar nodded, almost to himself. Laurent casted a curious look towards him.

"Few of us will leave the room now," Eleazar informed, pointing at Irina and Kate, lifting his finger on his lips in the process.

Irina and Kate left without a sound - they moved so quietly that even I couldn't tell how far from the house they left.

Eleazar directed his next words to the rest of us. "Stop breathing," he said. "Stand completely still, and don't make any sounds."

I exchanged a look with Jasper, moving only my eyes. The leonine man looked as confused as I felt.

"How many are there now?" Eleazar asked from Bella.

Bella frowned, lowering her head as she focused. "Seven," she answered.

"How do you know?" Eleazar challenged.

Bella shrugged, and I had a feeling that she wanted to open her eyes to check. "Isn't it obvious?" she wondered. "Anyone could tell there's seven people in the room."

Eleazar turned to Carmen and Rosalie, pointing at the door again. Two more vampires left as soundlessly as Irina and Kate had.

"How many now?" Eleazar asked.

"Five," Bella answered, like it was somehow self-evident.

"Are you sure?"

"Yeah," she answered, now sounding slightly frustrated. "So what?"

"How can you be so sure that there are five vampires in the room?" Eleazar prodded. "How can you sense it? No one's breathing or moving besides me and you."

"It's..." Bella's frown deepened. "I can feel it," came her puzzling reply. "In my mind."

My brow rose in surprise, and I had an urge to turn and see how the others reacted to this. But I stayed still, now finally comprehending where Eleazar had been going with his little experiment.

"Can you see our positions?" Eleazar asked. "Do you know where everyone are standing?" Eleazar turned to me suddenly, and I hoped that he wouldn't request that I'd leave the room - I wanted to see this.

But he only nodded towards the other wall across the room, soundlessly requesting for me to move over there, and I moved soundlessly, being careful not to cause any brush of air against Bella's skin to prevent her from sensing my movement.

"Kind of," Bella answered Eleazar's earlier question. "Carlisle moved," she suddenly said, surprising me. Had she heard me moving?

"How do you know?" Eleazar questioned again. "What makes you think that it was Carlisle?"

"Because he's the strongest," Bella answered. "And... more definite - brighter, somehow."

I smiled in surprise. The moment made me feel awfully content.

"So you see us as lights?" Eleazar queried. "In you mind?"

Bella frowned again, seeming hesitant. "Not really," she answered, sounding confused. "Well, sort of - but it's not really light. It's not... visual in any way."

"Can you tell the difference between individuals?" Eleazar bombarded again. "Do you know where Jasper stands, for intance? Or can you tell who of us left a moment ago?"

Bella shook her head. "No. I can distinguish only Carlisle."

"Interesting," Eleazar pondered. "It seems that the bond between your mate strengthens your ability to sense his presence."

"So that's what she's doing?" Laurent asked. "She's able to sense the presence of those around her?"

"It seems like it," Eleazar confirmed. "I was right about you possessing some form of a shield... You can open your eyes now, Bella."

I walked over to her as she opened her eyes and gazed around the room, and I couldn't help but smile widely. Bella smiled too, and she leaned against my side, grasping my fingers tightly.

"You can come back inside now," Eleazar called out to the others. After a few seconds Irina, Carmen, Kate and Rosalie came back into the house, giving curious glances at Bella.

"How far did you go?" Eleazar asked.

"A few hundred yards away," Kate answered. "We heard some of the conversation, but not all."

"Hmm." Eleazar looked at Bella again, rubbing his chin with his fingers. "It seems that the range you can sense people with is somewhat limited. It only works if they are close enough, within your range."

"Is it possible to stretch it somehow?" Bella asked, looking curious. "Or otherwise improve it?"

"It's possible," Eleazar answered. "An interesting variation of a shield, I must admit. And I think it's possible for you to learn to control the self-protective shield you also seem to have."

"So she has one?" Jasper asked. "In addition to the ability to detect presences? Or do those two go hand in hand?"

"There is definitely a connection between those two," Eleazar agreed. "No gift is completely similiar to someone else's. They are all different. Unique, as are vampires. And," he continued, looking at Bella curiously again, "I noticed the protective shield around your mind when you focused on sensing the presences in the room. It seems that if you focus on something else, your mental shield is failing. You stopped blocking me - it allowed me to get a better read on you."

"Is it possible to learn to use the shield and to detect presences at the same time?" Bella asked.

"It's plausible," Eleazar answered. "As I said, those two abilities have a connection, even to that extent that I think they are one single talent instead of two separate ones. You just have to learn how to balance and control it. But it might take years, even decades to master it completely."

Bella nodded, letting out a breath.

"He doesn't mean to discourage you," I explained to Bella, kissing the top of her head quickly. "You just have to accept that these things will take time."

"I know," she answered, giving me a smile.

Emmett grumbled. "This isn't fair," he muttered under his breath. "This means that no one can sneak behind her anymore and scare the crap out of her."

Everyone chuckled.

During the evening Bella continued practicing with Kate - despite of my resistance. Alice and Tanya arrived eventually from their hunt, and I explained shortly what had occurred during their absence.

"That's cool," Alice smiled at Bella. "But if Bella has some form of a mental shield, why can't she block Kate's talent? She could block Edward when he tried to read her mind, and she was still a human back then." she asked, watching as I rubbed Bella's arm soothingly - Kate had shocked her again with her touch a moment earlier.

"Apparently my brain is undeveloped or something," Bella chuckled. "Maybe I took a step back after becoming a vampire, since my mind is not that protected anymore."

"You only need training," Eleazar answered. "Time will tell eventually how the shield turns out. Your talent is extremely rare and even powerful when used correctly, but it has many limitations like shields usually have. Am I correct if I say that you can't detect presences if your eyes are open?" he asked from Bella.

"Yeah," she agreed. "I can't." Bella's frown suddenly transformed into realization and she gasped quietly.

"What is it?" I asked.

"I just realised something," she stated, narrowing her eyes. "Kate, let's try again."

"I don't think you should - ," I tried to protest, only to be interrupted by Bella. She shook her head, stepping away from my arms once more.

"I got it this time," she declared, and I wondered what she had realised earlier. She closed her eyes as Kate neared her, her brow furrowing in concentration.

"You ready?" Kate asked, receiving a nod from Bella.

My hands hovered around her shoulders, prepared to catch her again. But something strange happened. Kate's fingertip touched Bella's bare arm, but she only winced slightly. A small grimace rose on her face, but she didn't cry out in pain like several times before.

Kate withdrew her hand, a surprised expression on her face. She quirked her brow at me and Eleazar.

"Wow," Tanya stated.

Bella opened her eyes, looking a little surprised herself but also satisfied. "I barely felt it - it was milder this time."

"How is that possible?" Jasper asked. "What did you do differently?"

"I closed my eyes," Bella answered simply. "Eleazar's words made me think about it. If I can't detect presences with my eyes open, the shield won't work either."

Eleazar closed his eyes, nodding. "Of course," he muttered, almost to himself. "I don't know why I didn't think of it earlier."

"I wonder if her ability to shield herself is somehow proportional to how offensive the intruder is," Jasper pondered.

"What do you mean?" I asked.

Jasper shrugged. "I only wonder if Aro was able to read her mind when Bella's not consciously shielding herself. After all, Edward could never read her," he pondered.

"You mean that she's only vulnerable to the attacks that are directly offensive?" Emmett asked. "Like to that little freak's ability you once told me about - Jane?"

"Who's Jane?" Bella asked.

"She's a member of the Volturi guard," I explained. "She can create an effective illusion of pain."

"The agony is crippling," Eleazar added. "Ten times worse than what Kate can do."

Kate snorted softly - the sound was slightly scornful.

"So," Bella frowned and tried to tie the loose ends. "So no one can read my mind necessarily, but if someone tries to taser me mentally, the shield becomes useless?"

"In a sense," Eleazar admitted. "You only have to learn how to control it so you can protect yourself against any offensive abilities," he explained. "This all is just a speculation, of course. We can't be sure of anything. Only time will tell how this gift of yours will develop."

Bella sighed, trying to digest all the information she had gotten today. "You're giving me a hernia," she chuckled. "Why does it have to be so complicated?"

"Your own personality has an effect on it," Eleazar stated. Although his words were quite frank, his voice was kind and almost appeasing. "Maybe you are a complex person by your nature."

"Oh." Bella's smile fell a little, and she lowered her gaze. Her reaction to Eleazar's words made me think that she felt like being critized.

I brushed a lock of hair away from her face. She gave me a small smile that was a little rueful. "I'll try not to be that complex," she chuckled.

I told her that she was perfect just the way she was.

At nightfall, I took Bella for a long walk into the forests surrounding the Denali residence. The day had been quite active one for her, and I had a feeling that she craved a moment of piece after the mental stress she had been under the last hours.

"You do know that you don't have to learn to control the shield if you don't want to?" I reassured again. "I don't want you to think that we are pressuring you to master it. It is unlikely that you'll ever need to protect yourself so fiercely against someone." The words had just come out of my mouth when I remembered the frightened look in Bella's eyes, and the possible unfamiliar visitor weeks ago on the mountains. And I wondered; what if I was wrong? What if she needed her talent someday?

"I know that," Bella answered with a sigh, leaning against my side as we made our way through the dark forest. "I don't know why I'm so obsessed about learning it," she confessed quietly. "I guess it would be nice to be good at something for a change."

I stopped at her words, turning to face her. "But you already are good, just the way you are," I stated, trying not to be appalled after hearing her words. "I wouldn't change a thing about you."

"Really?" she asked with a small voice. The look in her golden eyes was emotional, but there was a shade of doubt in them.

"Really," I responded, lifting my hands on the sides of her neck and forcing her to look into my eyes. "Sometimes I feel that you have the need to prove yourself to us. To me," I whispered gently. "You don't have to be good at everything and constantly seek approval from us in order to be accepted."

She avoided my gaze and bit her lip, but I held on to her, waiting until she would meet my gaze again.

Her eyes studied the front of my sweater for a while, and her quiet voice was suddenly defensive with a slight edge in it.

"I'm just used to do it," she whispered. "I always screw things up, no matter how hard I try not to." She bit her lip again, a regretful frown furrowing her face. "I'm never good enough."

Her words stunned me to silence, and it took me a moment until I could recover.

"How can you be so wrong about yourself?" I managed to ask eventually, vaguely realising that my hands had left the sides of her neck and I was holding her by her arms. My grip was so tight that I had to struggle not to cause her any pain. "I can't understand - I can't possibly comprehend what makes you think in such a way."

My words came out slightly harsh and Bella ground her teeth, stubbornly avoiding my eyes. I took a deep breath to calm down, trying to keep my tone from being judgmental. I aligned myself so I was at her eyelevel, trying to get her to look at me.

"What makes you feel this way?" I asked more gently. "What makes you try so hard - what makes you feel that you have to prove yourself?" She hid her eyes from me, the pale eyelids fluttering closed. "Help me understand," I pleaded.

"Because that's the way it has to be," she whispered, opening her eyes. The warmth in those golden pools of light was gone, replaced by coldness and distance.

"Why?" I asked - the look in her eyes horrified me.

"Because if I don't try hard enough, I fail," she said, and now her voice was so loud against silence that it made me flinch slightly. "And even when I try, I'm always unsuccessful - I always end up alone, no matter what I do!"

The air left my chest in a rush after her outburst, and I found myself drawing her against my body almost forcibly - I couldn't help myself. I wrapped my arms around her tightly, cradling her head against my chest. "Jesus, Bella," I breathed, trying to recover from the shock her words had caused.

She had lost all the trust and faith in the people around her. Everyone she had ever loved had left her in one way or another. The concept of loneliness had to be almost a rule to her already, and I suddenly realised how she saw the world around her.

_"Grief is the price you pay for love, right? I don't want that grief." _I remembered her agitated words after our first kiss, and it wasn't until now when I truly comprehended what she had tried to say.

_"I don't have trust in anyone. Not even in myself. So why would I trust anyone else? Why should I risk it?"_

_"It's never worth it."_

_"People leave and disappear. That's what they do."_

_"That's how life is."_

_"I always end up alone, no matter what I do!"_

She was expecting something bad to happen - she was expecting to be left behind again. She thought that it was something she should anticipate, because it had happened before. It was something she had learned to do over the years.

_"I'm just used to do it."_

"Dear God," I whispered against her hair. How could I mend this broken girl? This sweet, sad, broken girl who was everything to me? How could I make her _see_ that the world around her could be wonderful instead of full of hurt. After all she had been through, how could I make her believe that?

Her need to prove herself, her endless efforts to try to be good enough... In the beginning, it had been her compelling need to have the bloodlust under control during the time when it was almost physically impossible, and now her efforts to master her gift.

There had to be something behind that pursue of acceptance and approval. I was sure that some of Bella's mistrust originated on that day when we left Forks, and the death of her parents must have added that insecurity. But I was missing something - there had to be something more to explain her lack of trust in everything.

_"Because I'm not good enough."_

_"I'm no prize, Carlisle. I just want you to realise that."_

_"I guess it would be nice to be good at something for a change."_

_"I always screw things up, no matter how hard I try not to." _

_"I'm never good enough."_

"What makes you say those things?" I pondered aloud, brushing my lips against Bella's forehead. She was awfully silent during my inner deliberation, her warm breaths seeping through the fabric of my sweater. "What has caused you to believe that you're not good enough?"

I made an attempt to shift her so I could look into her eyes, but she clung to me, as if being afraid to meet my gaze. My fingers made their way to the nape of her neck, brushing away the veil of silky hair and kneading the revealed marble skin.

"Has someone said such a thing to you?" I asked, knowing that it was only a conjecture, and I couldn't know it for certain. How I wished I had the ability to have a glimpse of her mind, only a second to see in the depths of her thoughts just like Edward had always hoped...

Edward.

And suddenly it dawned to me - could it be? Was it possible that he had gone that far, in the hope of making Bella forget him, forget us?

I didn't want to believe it.

And yet, it seemed probable - how else could be explained Bella's lack of wish to talk about that day?

A memory came to me, from that night months and months ago when I had first stepped into Bella's hospital room. That night had changed my life, my world and my existence - that was the night when Bella came back into my life.

I remembered my feeble attempt of an apology because of our departure. I remembered the darkness in Bella's eyes, that dull shade of pain that had always been there, but had slowly dissipated during these few months.

_"We wanted you to be one of us," _I had said.

_"But he didn't."_ Bella's voice had been oddly calm; it had been a quiet acceptance of something that should have stung. _"I wasn't worthy of him."_

I closed my eyes and drew in a deep breath to calm the raging storm inside of me. The traces of strawberries and freesia filled my nostrils, befuddling my senses and almost managing to calm my mind. Bella was still quiet against my chest, but I could feel the tension in her; the way her fingers pressed against my arms revealed her uneasiness.

I pulled away again, this time succeeding in seeing her face. Her expression was a mix of regret and weariness.

I had no wish to torment her even more, but she needed to recognize the matters that haunted her mind and wore her down. Otherwise she could never move on.

"Was it something that Edward said?" I asked quietly. "That causes you to be so distressed?

There was the same fatigue in Bella's golden eyes as she pressed her forehead against my chest again, hiding her eyes from me. "Don't," she sighed.

I felt foul for continuing to pressure her, but it was all I could do. I couldn't take the next step if I chose to stay still. And neither could she.

"You shouldn't fear talking about it," I whispered softly, remembering her once telling me that she felt like dishonoring Edward by speaking about his departure. "You won't offend anyone - don't be afraid."

"I'm not afraid," she muttered against my chest, her tone slightly sharp. But I was satisfied that she was talking; any kind of reaction was welcome. It was better than the silence.

My fingers sneaked under the hem of her t-shirt and I studied the silky skin of her lower back, trying to soften my next words with that small gesture.

"I think that you are," I disagreed gently. "Something that Edward said to you the day he left is still bothering you, even if you keep telling yourself that it has no meaning to you."

"Because it doesn't," Bella whispered. "Because he's not _here_ - because _you_ said that he said those things to make it easier for me. It shouldn't matter to me anymore."

"But it does matter to you," I insisted, pushing her away from my chest to gaze at her. I held her at arm's length, forcing her to meet my eyes. "Even when he didn't mean those things, it still insulted you."

Bella's eyes flared suddenly, the golden hues disappearing from her irises in a second. "Of course it insulted me," she practically hissed, the words coming out of her mouth so fast that I barely comprehended them. "How would you feel if I suddenly said to you that you're not good for me!"

After her sharp words came the silence. The sleeping nature around us seemed to hold her breath as the waiting stillness continued. Slowly, Bella lifted her fingers to her mouth as if the words had escaped from her lips accidentally. I realised that they probably had.

My hands had dropped from Bella's shoulders during her moment of anger, but now her earlier aggravation was gone as quickly as it had appeared. The venomous climate around her vanished, and the fatigue and confusion along with the golden tones of her eyes returned.

Bella seemed absent for a minute or two. She still stood there before me, only two feet away, but I knew that she wasn't here. She was somewhere afar in a place where she had never let anyone visit before, but I had caught a glimpse of that dark place.

I knew her now; I knew the demon that had accommodated himself in her heart in the form of words. Words that had been spoken by the mouth of a loved one, words that had corroded through her mind and soul until their effect had neared an obsession. It was a mark that had been mauled until transforming into an open wound, and eventually it had become a scar.

Bella blinked her unfocused eyes, and then her forlorn gaze found mine. The hollow shadows of anguish in the golden depths were hidden again as she closed her eyes, lowering her head as if in shame.

But I realised that it wasn't disgrace she was feeling. The earlier fatigue I had sensed in her was back again, and she looked so lost while standing there, with her shoulders hunched and her head lowered as the echoes of her words still hovered in the air around us.

Once again I found myself wondering what was going through her mind right now. Did she feel regret after her words? Or relief, that she had been finally able to give a voice to her burdens? Or did she worry about my possible reaction - was she afraid that she had offended me by sharing Edward's harsh goodbyes?

He had said that she wasn't good for him. A part of me could understand Edward's meaning when he had said those things, and I knew he hadn't meant to cause Bella grief - not to this extent at least. I understood the objective behind his words. It was to offend Bella in the hope of making everything easier for her.

A part of me could understand that. And yet, I couldn't justify his actions, let alone defend his words.

I hoped that he would've realised how deep impact those innocent-seeming words still had on Bella. I had learned during my long existence that words can be very powerful, and their capacity to affect one's frame of mind is substantial. And the more you love the person expressing those words, the more they affect and abide in one's mind.

I took a step closer to the girl with hunched shoulders and bowed head, brushing the tresses of dark hair behind her ear. My touch made her open her eyes and lift her gaze, and the uncertainty was visible in her.

I needed to make that the uncertainty and doubt disappeared, to make her see that words spoken with carelessness shouldn't define her. That she shouldn't let them define her.

"I'm sure that Edward's words caused a lot of hurt to you," I whispered, letting my hand drop to rest on her shoulder as I held her gaze. "It wasn't right of him to say such a thing, even if he had a good intention behind his words."

Bella nodded, lifting her hand and taking a hold of my wrist gently. Then she leaned her cheek against my knuckles, pressing against my skin and closing her eyes once more. "I know," she whispered, swallowing.

"I can understand the reason behind Edwards words," I continued quietly, "but it doesn't make it right. And it appalls me that he said such a thing to you."

Bella opened her eyes, her fingers pressing around my wrist as she lifted her head from my hand. "I know it shouldn't bother me that much," she said quietly. "Not anymore."

I pried her fingers away from my wrist, lifting her hand on my mouth and kissing the silky skin of her knuckles. "You're allowed to feel hurt," I disagreed softly. "It only tells that you care. And you're allowed to care - it wouldn't be normal if his words had caused no reaction in you."

Bella shrugged, her voice quiet as she spoke. "I guess," she agreed with a small voice. "And I don't want those few words to stay with me forever, especially if he didn't mean them. I have so many beautiful memories of him - why can't I think about them instead?"

"Someday you will be able to do that," I reassured. "But I think that it's good that you've acknowledged these few things to me today, and to yourself. Otherwise you're staying still, instead of moving forward."

She nodded silently, the sadness still in her eyes. Suddenly she surprised me by stepping closer, wrapping her arms around me and hiding her face in the crook of my neck.

I held her light frame against me, my hand sliding upwards to stroke the back of her head.

"Thank you," Bella whispered suddenly, her lips brushing the spot beneath my ear as she spoke. "I can never thank you enough for what you've done for me - I can't put to words how much you mean to me."

I breathed in the scent of her hair, trying to swallow the rush of emotions her words caused. "You don't have to thank me, sweetheart," I whispered.

I felt her fingers brushing the hair in my neck, hesitation in that small movement. She drew in a deep breath, and then exhaled slowly, the warm air tickling my skin. "You'll stay with me, won't you?" she suddenly whispered.

"Forever," I vowed.

And I knew it then; as she moved forward, I'd move with her. Forward, backward - the direction didn't matter, but I'd be beside her, and we would take those steps together.

* * *

"Amazing."

Bella's lips skimmed over the spot near my ear, her quiet sigh resembling the whisper of reeds in the summer breeze.

"Amazing," she sighed again, and I pulled slightly away to see that her eyes were closed.

"What is so amazing?" I queried teasingly, brushing my lips against her closed eyelids before manouvering myself off of her slender frame. I covered her bare body with my sweater, shielding her from the freezing air, although I knew she wouldn't get too cold. Then I lied down next to her, leaning to my elbow, and then I merely watched her. She was such a pleasure for my eyes.

Apparently Bella had decided to share the sweater, judging from the way she shifted closer to me, draping the other half of the soft garment over my side. The cream-colored fabric didn't quite manage to cover the both of us, but I had to admit that this was a much better way to share our meager body heat. The little heat two bodies formed of marble could have, at least. But even though our body temperature was far more low than humans had, the silky skin of Bella's stomach felt very warm under my fingers.

"You are," Bella whispered, answering my earlier question and turning so she was lying on her side and facing me. Her fingers started to draw patterns on the bare skin of my hip, the touch sending shivers down my spine.

"Hmm," I hummed with satisfaction, leaning closer to brush my lips against hers. "Not as amazing as you are," I returned the compliments, eliciting a smile from her.

Bella rolled on her back, laying her head against the white snow and closing her eyes momentarily before opening them again. The content expression on her face transformed into ashtonishment as something in the night sky of Alaska suddenly caught her attention.

"Carlisle, look!" she practically shouted, bolting to sit up. I chuckled at her amazed expression, also sitting up and wrapping the fallen sweater around her bare shoulders.

Bella's mouth was slightly agape as she stared at the colors dancing against the dark sky, her golden eyes wide-open from wonder. And I thought that her ingenuous awe must have been the most beautiful thing I had seen in a long time.

"Northern Lights," I whispered quietly, my lips hovering above her collarbone. I chuckled again, causing Bella to glance at me quickly before turning her eyes back towards the rivaling shades of green. It seemed that she couldn't get enough of that sight. It must be a peculiar thing to see for a girl who had grown up in South.

"What's so funny?" she asked when I chuckled again.

"Nothing," I answered. "Only that they appeared already half an hour ago," I explained. "I suppose you didn't notice."

Bella turned to me again, her brow raising in disbelief. "Half an hour ago?" she asked. "Wow," she laughed. "You must have really kept me distracted because I didn't see them."

I smiled at her teasing tone, enjoying how her fingers suddenly pressed against my chest as she pushed me back against the cool ground again. I wrapped my arm around her slender body as she laid her head against my chest, her eyes still glued to that colorful phenomenon in the sky.

"I did see lights though," she confessed after a while, turning to me with a teasing smile. "But that had little to do with those ones that light up the sky."

I hummed against her lips and gazed at her. "You weren't the only one seeing lights, sweetheart," I promised.

Bella smiled indulgently, laying her head back against my chest and oberving the colourful sky. She suddenly gasped although this time contained herself from sitting up, only flailing at the sky with her hand.

"Look, a red one!" she gushed.

I pressed a kiss against the top of her head, chuckling at her reaction again. "The color depends on the wavelength of the light emmited," I explained. "That can be determined by the specific atmospheric gas and its electrical state, and the energy of the particle that hits the atmospheric gas. The dark red ones are usually caused by nitrogen - "

A coarse sound coming from Bella's mouth interrupted my narration - she pretended to snore.

I snorted softly, feigning to be offended. "And now you lost the one chance to hear about the reasons behind that colourful phenomenon," I stated, attempting to sound miffed.

Bella giggled, raising her head from my shoulder and leaning her forearms against my chest. "Okay, I'm sorry," she apologized with a wide smile. "Could you _please_ explain the rest of it?" She batted her eyelashes at me innocently - what a wicked woman she was.

"No," I answered coolly. "Now you find yourself always wondering what I was about to say, and you'll never find out."

She giggled again, her forefinger brushing against my jawline. "But _please_," she asked again. "I would really, _really_ like to hear it." She batted her lashes at me again, the look in her eyes more seductive than begging. "If you won't continue with your scientific theories," she said casually, "I'm gonna have to start witholding things from you." Her fingers disappeared from my jawline, brushing against my neck and over my chest until reaching the certain area beneath my navel.

I inhaled sharply as her fingers stroked my tender skin - the touch was barely there, and it only managed to heighten the sensations. The prickling in the pit of my stomach got stronger, only to leave a hollow craving behind when Bella suddenly withdrew her touch.

"So," she asked innocently as if nothing had passed. "How's it gonna be?"

My voice was slightly unstable and breathless when I started to speak again, and my mind was suddenly very blank.

"Uh," I sighed, shivering when Bella's fingers brushed against my upper thigh. She raised her brow, still that shamelessly innocent look in her eyes. "The nitrogen causes the dark red ones," I managed to say.

Bella leaned her chin against my shoulder, raising her brow. Her expression resembled the one a lazy tomcat might have after receiving a bowl of rich cream. "Yes," she said very quietly. "I think you already told me that."

Her fingers trailed on my stomach again, brushing, tickling and driving me out of my mind.

"Really?" I stammered. "Uh... the nitrogen causes also the blue color." I swallowed. "The green is caused by..." I swallowed again, my brain activity ceasing altogether when Bella's fingers found my achingly sensitive skin again. A groan escaped my lips, and I found myself squeezing my eyes closed.

Bella's voice sounded somewhere near my ear as she continued with her touches. "Yes?" she whispered, sounding awfully casual. "What causes the green ones?"

I took a deep breath, and truly struggled to remember. "The green auroras are caused by... atomic..."

My focus was dissolved again as something warm and moist touched my earlobe. The feeling was replaced soon by something more sharp as Bella's teeth nibbled the tiny area of skin.

I swallowed the incoherent moans as she pulled back again, her eyes expectant and still casual, almost careless. "Yes?" she asked. "Atomic... what?" Her hand continued stroking my sensitive skin, the waves of pleasure so intense that it was almost blinding.

"God..." I breathed, vaguely realising that my hand was tangling in the silky veil of Bella's hair.

"Your God can't help you now," Bella whispered, and I wondered if it was a threat or a promise. But I found myself not caring - anything she was willing to offer, and I'd take it.

Because the magical creature touching me was enchanting and alluring in a million different ways. How could it be, that I was so lucky to have her? What had I done to earn this wonderful creature?

"Carlisle?" Bella called quietly, almost as if she was attempting to wake me up from slumber. I realised that I had closed my eyes, and the different hues of green and red exploded above me as I opened them again.

But the beautiful night sky held no interest to me right now, and the only color I was able to focus on was in Bella's eyes. There was no green or red auroras to be seen in her irises, nor the usual golden luster.

"Carlisle," she whispered again, now sounding almost bored. She withdrew her touch suddenly, leaving me reeling and gasping for breath I didn't need. "The atomic what?" she asked, her fingers dancing on my hipbones.

I tried to gather my focus, trying to find my sanity from somewhere beneath the waves of pleasure, frustrasion and lust. It was a heady combination, those three emotions.

"Could you repeat the question?" I asked after finding my ability to form words.

Bella chuckled and she blinked slowly, the look in her eyes both amused and teasing. "I'm trying to ask you," she whispered, her fingers brushing across my stomach again, "that what causes the green auroras?"

Her lips caressed my jawline then, and her hand returned to the tender area beneath my navel. An involuntary groan erupted from my lips.

"Bella," I breathed. "Are you trying to kill me?"

Her body shook with the suppressed laughter as her breath brushed against the skin of my neck. "No," she giggled. "I'm trying to learn something about the _Aurora Borealis_. But you're a terrible teacher."

My fingers tightened in her hair and I swallowed thickly. And then I simply couldn't take it anymore. I found myself grasping Bella's shoulders and pushing her off of my body, laying her down against the cold ground.

"It has something to do with the atomic oxygen," I managed to explain before claiming her lips fervently. A small part of my mind was able to remind me that the snow beneath her body must be uncomfortably cool, and I pulled away, my fingers searching the soft fabric of my sweater.

After finding it I lifted her upper body from the ground and spread the sweater on the white snow, and then layed her down again.

"Atomic oxygen?" she asked, the casuality now almost gone from her voice.

"Yes," I answered before giving her a quick kiss. "It is unimportant."

And it was. Nothing else existed to me but the quivering marble body beneath my own as I hovered over her, giving her another deep kiss before conquering her flesh with my own.

A loud moan caused her lips to vibrate and she nibbled my ear again, hard enough for me to feel, but softly enough not to cause any pain. Her fingersnails raked against my back and almost clawed my skin, continuing upwards until clasping behind my neck.

I wasn't as gentle with her as I had hoped to be. The burning sensation of need clouded my mind, taking away my every ounce of sanity and driving me into state that neared feral madness. And I wanted to apologize to her - she deserved the gentleness and the soft touches. But as hard as I tried, I wasn't able to give those to her. Especially after Bella's moans grew louder and more desperate, her fingers clawing my skin almost painfully. I could recognize the beginnings of my name on her lips as a violent tremble traveled through her body.

I lost my own control together with her, my muscles going rigid and tense as the sharp pinpricks of pleasure rushed through me. I yanked my hand away from Bella's brown locks of hair, fearing that I was hurting her, and my fingers were fisting around the snow instead.

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry," I breathed repeatedly against her skin . A tremble shuddered me again, and I continued pressing soft kisses on her cheeks, finally being able to focus enough to apologize.

I reached out to grasp her hand, pressing a gentle kiss on her wrist before bringing her palm against my cheek. Another breathless apology left my lips and Bella frowned slightly, trying to recover from her own shudders.

"Why are you apologizing?" she asked, her voice slightly unstable. The smile on her lips was content as she clasped her hand behind my neck, pulling my head to rest on her bare chest.

I pressed my ear against her left breast, and lack of her thundering heartbeat confused me only momentarily. I inhaled deeply, trying to even out my breaths.

"I didn't mean to be too rough," I explained, Bella's chest rising and falling rapidly under my head. I felt suddenly very drained, but in a good way.

"You weren't," she reassured, a small smile audible in her tone.

I lifted my head, pressing a soft kiss on the each rosy buds of her breasts before shifting off of her, gathering her against my side and laying her head on my shoulder.

"Are you sure?" I asked, pressing a kiss on her forehead. "Did I hurt you?"

Bella shook her head, a content smile on her lips. She lifted herself, leaning her forearms against my chest and looking down at me. "You couldn't hurt me," she said quietly, and the trust in her voice touched me.

We stayed that way for a long time. Our gazes found the dancing colors against the night sky every now and then, but eventually my eyes always searched Bella's; the color of her eyes surpassed every miracle of nature.

The next days passed that way, with the same quiet harmony. It satisfied me how quickly the Denalis had accepted Bella, and the other way around. After five days of staying in Alaska, it was as if she had always been here. She was eager to get to know all the Denalis, asking questions from them and telling little pieces and bits about herself as well. Especially Tanya and Carmen were happy to give her answers, filling in the informations I hadn't had chance to tell her, and I found the small group of women more than once from the living room couch during the dark evenings.

The only person Bella didn't approach was Laurent, and I kept wondering if he had said something to unsettle her the day we had arrived. I knew it was unfair of me to think about Laurent as the person he was years ago. But there was something in him that made me feel uneasy, and it seemed that I wasn't the only one. Bella was polite and civil towards him but she kept her distance, even more so than usually she did with people.

Laurent's interest in Bella's shield didn't manage to settle me, either. It had become a habit of Bella and Kate to rehearse during the late evenings, and whether it was in the living room or outside of the house where their training took place, Laurent was there nearly every time.

I leaned my elbows against the porch railing one night, observing as Kate touched Bella's shoulder with her whole palm. Bella had managed to learn to control her shield quite quickly after realising that closing her eyes was the key to success.

After Bella showed no reaction to Kate's touch, she opened her eyes and gave her a satisfied smile. The expression on Kate's pale face was also contended, and she patted Bella's shoulder praisingly.

Laurent was sitting down on the wooden steps as usually, linking his fingers and gazing at the two women an appreciative expression on his face. "She's quite impressive," he stated simply. His tone was indecipherably polite.

"She is," I agreed, still wondering why he took so great interest in Bella. I was just about to ask him that, searching for words as innocent and polite as his had been. But footsteps against the hardwood floor made me stay silent, and the front door behind me opened, revealing Tanya and Irina.

Laurent got up from the wooden steps with a smile, reaching out with his arm and beckoning Irina to him. She stepped closer and shared a quick kiss with him, her dark golden eyes lighting up.

"Come for a hunt with us," she urged.

Laurent smiled that easy smile of his, the French accent accompanying his tender words. "Of course, love," he answered.

They stepped away from the porch, but before continuing towards the mountains Irina stopped, turning to glance at Tanya.

"Are you coming, sister?" she asked.

"I'll follow you shortly," Tanya answered with a smile.

Irina and Laurent hurried away, and Tanya stepped closer to lean against the railing, her posture matching mine.

We observed in silence as Kate and Bella continued the excercise, their slender forms moving farther away. Kate stopped walking after a few dozen yards, but Bella continued towards the mountains. Eventually when she stopped she was so far that it was difficult for me to distinguish her facial expressions.

I wondered for a moment what they were doing. Why were they standing so far away from each other? But then I realised that they must be testing from how far Bella could sense Kate's presence.

The woman with long, blonde hair started moving towards Bella. Eventually their distance from each other was at least fifty yards when Bella raised her hand, obviously giving Kate a signal that she could sense her. Kate stopped.

"Laurent's right," Tanya stated beside me. "She is quite impressive."

I gave her a warm smile, my eyes following Bella's distant form as she continued practising with Kate.

"I agree," I answered softly. "Bella has the ability to surprise me day after day. I wouldn't know what to do without her."

"I'm very glad that you have her," Tanya smiled. "The years have been long for you."

I gave the woman with strawberry blonde hair a sad smile. "They've been long for Bella as well."

Tanya nodded, understanding my words but not the whole meaning behind them.

"It must have been difficult for the both of you," she said, "to return here where Edward's and Esme's absence is so palbable. Especially for you - this place holds so many memories."

One rose into my mind - I saw Emmett and Jasper running ahead of me, Alice by my side. The black panic was taking over every fiber of my being as we were making the most difficult journey of our lives, knowing what would await us at our destination, and still hoping that maybe there still was a chance to save them...

I shook away the memory, and thought of a new one - more happier one. Because that's how they would want to be remembered; Edward with his witty comments and crooked smile, the way his fingers glided on the piano keys and created something that was almost magical... And Esme, sweet and lovely Esme, who had been a friend to everyone, a mother to many and a warming sun to me since the day I had first lied my eyes on her.

And I remembered, and I smiled. And even when a piece of my heart would always grieve for them, I could silently praise for their existence. The existence that had been long measured by years, and yet so so very short compared to the wish to keep them on this earth a while longer.

But I kept remembering and smiling, praising and wishing. And as I saw the girl with mahogany hair approaching me across the white snow, I smiled some more.

And I loved.

Heaven knows, how I loved.

* * *

**AN:** I wanted Bella to have a some sort of talent, and I ended up with the shield she has in the books. I modified it a bit (a lot, actually) and I hope I didn't make it too hard to understand. Her shield won't probably play any major role in this story like it did in Breaking Dawn, but I thought that I wanted to bring this little thing into her character. I hope she stops trying too hard with it - as Carlisle pointed out, she shouldn't feel the need to prove herself to anyone.

The short love scene with the Northern Lights was fun to write ;) I had an idea of it weeks ago when I one night glanced outside through the kitchen window, and witnessed that phenomenon myself. Here in Finland Northern Lights can be seen during the winter sometimes, and the sight always blows me away. Have any of you seen them?

I hope you enjoy!


	44. Chapter 44: Darkened

**Stephenie Meyer owns Twilight :)**

* * *

_**Memories so bitter sweet **_  
_**Go rushing through her head **_  
_**Thoughts of how he held her close **_  
_**As they shared the same soft bed **_  
_**Music, wine, and candlelight **_  
_**Making love at break of day **_  
_**Then the sadness of A brave goodbye **_  
_**As she slowly walked away** _

- D.L. Whited -

* * *

**Darkened**

BPOV

Vibration against the darkness.

And a vague shimmer behind it. It made me frown slightly, and I tried to search and see better, tried to understand the unseen image being reflected against my closed eyelids.

It was difficult. After days of rehearsals and excercises, after endless amounts of minutes of concentration with the help of Kate and Eleazar, it was still so very difficult. At times I had a feeling that Eleazar understood my ability better than I did. After all, he was the one with the dozens of theories about my possible mental shield.

It was so easy to lose focus. One little distraction, and then all I could see was the blackness of my eyelids. It was annoying. At times, this little ability seemed to be almost part of me, always hovering on the background, and the things I searched for came to me easily. But most of the time it wasn't that simple, and the shield flickered out like a candle from the slightest of breeze.

I probed the blackness again, feeling that same odd vibration against the edges of my awareness. And now, the shimmer again - two of them. Someone was coming.

But who?

Footsteps behind my back, very quiet ones. Cautious ones.

I gave up, deciding that I had tortured my brain enough for tonight. The dark forest unfolded before me as I opened my eyes, and I turned towards whoever had decided to be interested enough to come and talk to me.

"How is it going?" Irina asked, her pale blonde hair glowing in the moonlight. She was walking hand in hand with Laurent, their soundless steps making the snow whirl around their feet.

"Okay, I guess," I answered with an insecure smile and shrugged. "I'm getting a grasp of this thing every once in a while."

"Carlisle returned with Eleazar a moment ago," Irina informed. "I told him that you are here, and that you wanted to spent a moment alone to practise."

"They're back? Already?" I asked, confused. Carlisle and Eleazar had left for a hunt during the evening, but I hadn't expected them to come back so soon.

"Bella, you've been here almost three hours," Irina chuckled, exchanging a smile with Laurent.

"Three hours?" I raised my brow, and I almost couldn't believe it. "I guess I didn't notice the pass of time."

"Alaska can have that effect on people," Laurent chuckled with his easy smile. "You come here, and the rest of the world simply disappears."

"I guess," I admitted, giving him a tense smile. I had gotten used to his presence during the last few days, and at the same time I hadn't. There was still this odd, lingering discomfort in the back of my mind everytime he looked at me.

I shook it off inwardly, trying to think of something to say to them. I wasn't a fan of discussing, especially when it came to the people I hardly knew. Fixing my eyes towards the night sky, I blurted out the first words that came to my mind, as cliché as they sounded.

"A beautiful night," I sighed, studying the planes and craters of the moon.

"It is," Irina agreed. "You don't see the sky that often in Vancouver, do you?"

"The nights are clear sometimes," I answered. "But not as often as in here."

We continued our easy chatter for a minute or two. Laurent seemed to be a very social person by nature, and a part of me was relieved that I didn't have to talk much in order to keep the coversation going. Irina seemed to be more reserved than Laurent. She wasn't tongue-tied exactly, but I could see from her that silence was something she enjoyed more than the social interaction.

"How are you progressing with the control of your shield?" Laurent asked with a polite smile.

"I woudn't exactly go that far and speak of control," I chuckled. "It's not as easy as I thought it would be."

"It may take time," Irina comforted. That repetitive sentence had become quite familiar to me during the last week.

We parted ways after a moment, Irina and Laurent continuing their way deeper into the forest. I turned to the opposite way, towards the direction where the house was located, only having to walk a few paces until a familiar sound reached my ears.

Carlisle rarely walked silently and completely without any sound like so many other vampires were accustomed to. The sound of his calm steps was comforting, and I found myself glad that he didn't bother to dampen the sound of his walk. His eyes of molten gold rivaled with the glow of the moon, and there was no doubt in my mind that his eyes prevailed in that small competition of beauty.

"Hey," he greeted me with a smile, and I was melting. His smile always did that. "Is everything well? Tanya said that you've been here quite some time."

I chuckled sheepishly. "I lost the track of time. How was your hunt?" I asked. "Is the wildlife in here worth all that fuss Emmett's been going on and on about?"

Carlisle chuckled, stopping before me and pressing a soft kiss on my cheek. "Emmett considers hunting as a sport, which explains his enthusiasm when it comes to the prey. I enjoy the change of scenery and the varying aromas, but it's not as vital factor to me as it is to Emmett." His arm wrapped around my shoulders, and we started to make our way through the forest with slow steps.

"Perhaps you should have come with us," Carlisle continued. "I know that you wanted to have some time alone to practise with your shield, but you shouldn't neglect yourself."

"I'm not," I reassured. "Emmett's been kind of obsessing how he wants to take me some place where the grizzly bears are really mad."

I expected Carlisle to smile at my comment, but he only frowned slightly, making me wonder what made him look so disapproving.

"I'm going to hunt before we leave," I assured, knowing that we couldn't stay in Alaska for long anymore. "And I'll make sure that I won't be thirsty when we have to be near humans again."

Carlisle nodded. "I know that. I'm only not sure if you should go alone with Emmett, once you decide to go."

It was my turn to frown. "Why not? He'll be able to hold me down if a human happens to be too close. I'm not that strong anymore."

Carlisle shook his head, the same frown still on his face. "I'll come with you," he said, and there was an odd rigidity in his tone. He didn't sound angry, only strangely strict.

"Okay, but you don't really have to. I don't want you to waste your time by tagging along while you could do something more pleasant. And it's Emmett - who knows how many hours he'll be teasing those bears once he gets too excited."

Carlisle didn't even crack a smile at my joke. It wasn't that funny, I admit, but usually Carlisle smiled even when the things I said to him were utterly stupid.

Not now.

"What's wrong?" I asked.

Carlisle cleared his throat quietly, wetting his lips quickly. "It unnerves me to let you go, even when I know that Emmett will be with you."

"Okay. Why?"

He sighed almost inaudibly, halting beside me and avoiding my gaze. I stopped too, staring at him in confusion.

"It was a completely ordinary day when Esme and Edward along with Rosalie left for that hunting trip over four years ago," Carlisle stated, raising his eyes to look at me. "And that ordinary day - that competely normal day turned into a nightmare in mere minutes."

Oh.

I understood his worry now. The familiar surroundings had brought these things into his mind, and I really couldn't blame him.

"Okay," I answered. "I understand what you mean, and I don't want to belittle your concern." I stopped for a moment, knowing that I had to choose my words carefully. "But isn't it kind of unlikely that it happens again? I mean, you and Jasper thought that those newborns who attacked Edward and Esme were created randomly by someone? And the Denalis are still living here, and I haven't heard any of them saying anything - they haven't even felt the need to give me a warning during our time here."

Calisle nodded, but the movement was somehow frustrated. "I know," he said. "And of course it's implausible - Eleazar said that those vampires disappeared as if into thin air. No one has seen them ever since." He ran his fingers through his hair, giving another sigh.

"So, there's no problem then?" I asked.

"Perhaps not," Carlisle admitted. "But I still intend to accompany you."

"I can live with that," I chuckled, trying to ease off the tension. "But I just think that it's a bit silly. I can see how much you've missed Eleazar's company for example, and I just don't want you to go wasting the little time we have to spend in here. And Alice and Jasper, and even Rosalie have gone hunting during our visit and you've let them go without any supervision," I pointed out.

"They're different," he stated. "They can take care of themselves."

I let out a breath in a rush and tried not to get hurt by his words, only to find myself failing. I shrugged his arm off my shoulder, turning to see him better. "And I can't take care of myself?"

Carlisle closed his eyes, running a hand over his eyes quickly. "I didn't mean it that way," he said quietly. His tone was apologizing, but behind it I saw that same determination and seriousness that had been in him during the last minutes.

"What did you mean then?" I asked, vaguely realising that our conversation was changing into a disagreement. I didn't want that - Carlisle and I never fought.

Carlisle wetted his lips again, rubbing his hand over his forehead. He suddenly looked much older. "I didn't mean that you're not able to take care of yourself. Because of course you're cabaple to do that. But if I see you going without me - " He shook his head in a frustrated manner, lowering his hand from his eyes and meeting my gaze. "I can't rid myself of the dread. I'm just not willing to risk it - please don't ask me stay behind. It may be something that I'm not willing to negotiate about."

I forgot my hurt over his earlier words. There was a plead in his eyes and voice. "I'm sorry. And I'm not asking you to stay behind - of course you can come if it soothes your mind. I guess I was just trying to make a point. You see the Denalis so rarely, and I didn't want to steal your time when you have the chance to be with them for once."

Carlisle's eyes softened, the frustration dissipating slowly. He reached out with his hand, the one I had shrugged off from my shoulder earlier, touching my wrist lightly with his fingers. The connection between our skins was short and quick, but that small touch seemed to hold a lot of feelings and anxieties.

"We'll always come back here," Carlisle answered. "And you certainly are not stealing my time - every second of it is yours already, and yours alone. You're entitled to it." His fingers plucked the fabric of my sleeve, as if he was lost in his thoughts. "Maybe I'm only a prisoner of my own fears and memories," he mused softly.

"Aren't we all?"

Carlisle's smile was a bit rueful. Being glad that the small disagreement was settled, I grasped his fingers, giving his hand a small tug to lead him further into the forest to continue our walk in the moonlight.

"You can come with us to chase those poor animals," I complied again. "But it's you who's going to break the news to Emmett. According to his words, and I quote, 'Grizzly bears are not for wimps.'"

Carlisle chuckled, and I was relieved to see that familiar smile raising his lips. "Wimps?" he asked, quirking his brow. "Are you insinuating that I'm a wimp?"

"_I'm_ not," I laughed. "Emmett is. Don't shoot the messenger."

I suddenly found myself pressed against a huge pine. The coarse surface of it pressed against my back as Carlisle captured my wrists, a mischievious smile quirking his lips.

"How should I proceed with this messenger, then?" he asked.

I feigned mock contemplation for a while, and then leaned my head closer to him, pressing my lips to his.

No further instructions were needed.

And so we lost ourselves to each other again, and I consumed every second of that Carlisle's time that I was so entitled to.

* * *

I dropped myself on the dark blue bedspread, lying down on the soft surface and drawing in the familiar scent of the room.

God, I had missed this place.

As nice as it had been in Alaska, and as nice as it had been finally to meet the Denalis, I couldn't help but feel glad to be back home. This place had become one to me, even when I had once sworn to myself never to call any place as my home.

The goodbyes with the Denalis had been a chaotic mix of emotions for me. I had been more than glad to return to Vancouver where the air was more warm and smelled like earth instead of snow. But at the same time I had already missed the secluded, cabin-like house with the huge rooms, and sitting on the couch with Carmen and Alice during the evenings while browsing through another huge album of artistic photos.

I realised that I had barely gotten to know them during those few days, and I regretted a bit not being more social with everyone. But it comforted me to know that there was an eternity ahead of us, and another visit Alaska wouldn't be that far away. Carlisle had promised to Tanya that we'd visit them again before the end of the year.

When the time of farewells had arrived, there had been this certain rejoicement and wistfullness in everyone's golden eyes; rejoicement for the expectation of another reunion, and wistfullness for the long months before that time would arrive.

The journey back to Vancouver had lasted a little less than a day this time around, and I had to admit that the drive home had been easier than the drive there. But it was only because I knew what to expect. I had anchored myself to Carlisle's coat for hours, hiding myself in the folds of the dark fabric everytime a city or a town had neared.

The combination of scents and sounds had been as confusing as it had been on the first time, and I wondered if I ever got used to that chaotic mix of distractions. But now, in the peace of Carlisle's bedroom it was difficult to imagine the tumultuous sensations rushing through me during those few moments. And in here, I was also able to feel slightly satisfied. I hadn't killed anyone, and that pretty much covered everything I'd had on my list of goals. It was a short list, I had to admit, but I didn't let it dispirit me.

Carlisle's calm footsteps sounded from the hallway after a moment, and then he stepped inside the blue room, closing the door behind him. He threw me an amused smile, his golden eyes studying my sprawled form on the bed.

"Hi," I sighed, letting my eyes sweep over his lean form. He looked incredibly handsome in his black slacks and the dark grey buttown-down shirt, but then again, when wouldn't he look handsome?

"Hi yourself," he whispered, walking across the room and sitting down on the edge of the bed. His fingers reached out to brush a strand of hair away from my face, a tender smile playing on his lips. "Are you tired?" he queried, and at first I thought he was teasing because of my occasional habit of trying to sleep despite of my inablity to do that.

But there was real worry in his eyes, and I found myself pondering his question seriously.

"Mentally, a bit," I confessed. "I'd never thought that merely sitting in a car could be so stressful."

Carlisle nodded, a regretful frown furrowing his forehead. "Maybe we should've waited a few months more," he ruminated. "Until your thirst would have been more tolerable."

"No, it's okay. I'm glad that we left," I answered honestly. "Now I have a better understanding of everything." I closed my eyes momentarily, satisfied that my words could be deciphered as positive ones. In my mind, the chaos of sounds and smells still raged, and I flinched away from the memory of the dozens of aromas, and the sounds of the flapping hearts... I certainly did have a better understanding of what was awaiting me once I started to act a normal human with the rest of the Cullens.

Luckily, it would still be a while until that time arrived. I sighed loudly, opening my eyes and turning my head to look at the blue ceiling. "I'm just really glad to be home," I said quietly. "I missed this place."

A long silence followed my words, and I lifted my head from the bed to glance at Carlisle, wondering why he didn't say anything.

The look in his eyes was oddly emotional, and he gave me a small smile before lowering his gaze.

"What?" I asked, his odd reaction confusing me. I shifted on the bed, turning to my side so I could see him better.

Carlisle cleared his throat quietly, lifting his gaze from the floor and twisting his upper body to look at me.

"Nothing," he answered quietly. "It only warms my heart to hear you speak of this place as your home. You don't do that very often."

I brushed my fingertips against the blue material of the bed, pondering his words. "It surprises me a bit," I confessed, "to be able to call this a home."

Carlisle frowned, leaning his palm against the bed. "What do you mean?" he asked, and I realised that my words could be interpreted in many different ways.

"I never thought that I'd actually have a home someday," I admitted. "I never thought that I'd allow myself to stay in one place long enough to call it a home."

Carlisle nodded silently, a small frown still furrowing his brow. He licked his lips quickly, drawing in a breath to speak, but he hesitated. "Before you came to Vancouver," he started, and now I knew he was going to ask something unpleasant, "why did you feel the need to move so many times? Why didn't you let yourself find a home?"

I avoided his searching eyes, my fingers still drawing patterns on the blue fabric.

"I don't mean to judge or criticize you," Carlisle said softly. "I'm only curious."

"I know," I breathed, trying to express that I wasn't offended by his question. "It's... hard to explain, I guess."

Carlisle got up from the bed suddenly, and he walked over to my side. The mattress tipped behind my back as he sat down on the edge, and then I felt his fingers kneading my shoulders, coming to swipe the hair away from my neck to reveal the skin there.

Not seeing his eyes made talking about it both harder and easier.

"It was just more simple that way," I mused quietly. Carlisle's fingers trailed on my other arm, and I drew comfort from his touch. "I don't know if I can explain it... It was just so easy to arrive into a new place, and live with the knowledge that no one knew me - and more importantly, that I knew no one."

Carlisle fingers stilled momentarily, but then he continued with his touches, picking up a strand of my hair and brushing it against my cheek.

"It brought comfort to you," he stated softly, waiting until I nodded. "How long did you usually stay in one place?" he asked, drawing a large circle on my forehead.

I shrugged, trying to remember, and at the same time trying not to.

"A few days, a few weeks," I answered after a moment. "Sometimes even a month or two."

Carlisle drew in a cautious breath, hesitating again before starting to speak. "Did you always have a place to stay at night?"

There was concern in his tone, and I started to wonder how many times he had mulled over my possible homeless nights. Worried enough to wonder, but being too afraid of my reaction to ask.

"Usually," I answered. "I wasn't exactly broke - I always had money so I could go to a motel if I didn't manage to get an apartment."

Money had been the least of my problems during that time, and quite frankly the last thing on my mind. I'd had my savings, and the little money I had inherited mostly from Renée had also helped me to get by.

"I used to have short-term jobs," I remembered. "So I didn't starve or freeze to death, if that's what you're worried about."

Carlisle's soft snort was humorless. His fingers dropped the lock of my hair, and then I felt his caressing the skin of my neck.

"Was that the time period for you?" he asked. "Did you always decide to leave somewhere else when the current employment ended?"

"No," I answered surprisingly quickly. It was probably the easiest question to answer so far. "My staying... it wasn't bound to anything, not really."

"Hmm." Carlisle was silent again for a while, his fingers playing idly with the hair in my neck. Once or twice, I heard him drawing in a breath to speak, but eventually he just stayed silent.

After a few minutes his silence started to worry me a bit, and I played back our conversation in my mind, wondering if I had said something to cause his distress.

"Is everything okay?" I asked eventually, turning my head to gaze behind me.

Carlisle's eyes were studying the hardwood floor, and I had difficult time interpreting his expression.

"Of course," he whispered, giving me a distracted smile that didn't quite reach his eyes.

I didn't buy his words. "Did I say something that upset you?" I asked straightforward, still worrying that I had. I thought back our conversation again, torturing my brain to find an answer.

"No," Carlisle shook his head, drawing in a breath again. His lips were slightly ajar as he hesitated once more, a small frown furrowing his brow. "I only feel bad for challenging you time and time again," he confessed. "You've made it clear that you have little wish to talk about these things." He gave me a rueful smile, reaching out to brush his knuckles against my cheek. "And I still can't seem to help my curiosity, and I keep asking you these questions that I'm sure are difficult ones for you to answer."

There was an apology in his eyes - it made me wonder where did he get his humility, and that amount of humbleness towards the world, and towards the people around him. I had always been the one keeping things from him, the one who had refused to answer his questions, avoiding his inquiries about my wellbeing. And I realised that every question _I_ had asked from _him_ had always received an answer. Carlisle had never clammed up or refused to talk about something with me.

I had been unfair towards him in many ways. It wasn't right that he was giving me all of himself and in return, I kept him constantly on his toes. There was always this certain caution in his eyes when he talked to me, and sometimes I had caught him looking at me in a peculiar way. Like he expected me to disappear or something.

"It doesn't bother me that you ask," I whispered, making a feeble attempt to offer him some stability. I wanted him to know that he shouldn't worry, that he could trust me to stay here. He _needed_ to know that I could never leave his side.

Carlisle frowned again, his finger trailing across my nose to study the shape of my eyebrow. "I didn't mean to pressure you," he whispered. "The last thing I want is to cause you more distress."

I shifted on the bed, turning so I was lying on my back. I grasped Carlisle's fingers that were drawing patterns on my skin, clinging to his hand like a lifeline. "Of course it'd be easier not to think about those years," I pondered quietly, giving him a shrug. "Maybe someday I'll be able to look back and accept them - take them as an experience." I studied the texture of Carlisle's hand with my fingers, drawing small patterns on his palm. "There's a lot of things I wish I hadn't done - a lot of things to regret. But I can't go back and change those things. I can't change myself."

Carlisle reached out with his other hand, his fingers stroking my hair gently. "I'd never ask you to change yourself," he whispered.

"I know." I swallowed, avoiding his golden, gentle eyes. "And I hate that you have to hold your breath around me. That you constantly have to be careful not to offend me."

I heard him snorting softly again, a small amusement in his tone. "I usually try to keep myself from offending anyone."

I chuckled at his small jest, knowing that he tried to light up the mood and make the situation easier.

"Yeah, but..." I licked my lips nervously, trying to make sure that he understood. "You're always so considerate and somehow... _discreet_ around me. Like you're afraid that if you say something too much I'll suddenly disappear. It's not your fault that you feel the need to be that way," I hurried to explain. "It's mine. I haven't been exactly acting like someone who can be trusted. And I'm practically reeking that same mistrust around me. I've shown you none of those things you deserve to know."

Carlisle was very silent for the whole time I was speaking, and I wondered if he had ever heard me talk so much in such a short time. I certainly couldn't remember the last time I had used this many words in a row.

"I don't need any evidences or declarations from you," Carlisle assured softly, and I wondered if he was completely honest. But he did sound sincere. "There are things that I already know without you having to say them to me. And I cannot demand certain things from you."

"But I can't demand the impossible from _you_," I insisted, now done with avoiding his eyes. I met his golden gaze, wanting to make him understand. "I can't expect you to be a mind reader or anything. It's not fair of me that I keep you constantly hanging. And I'm sorry about that - I know that I've messed up so many times and..." I let out a frustrated breath, leaning my head against the bed and closing my eyes.

Carlisle's hand came to brush my forehead. "It's alright," he reassured. "You don't have to apologize."

"But I do." I bit my lip, opening my eyes again and looking at up at him. "I'm sorry that you feel the need to tiptoe around me. And I really want to be a real person someday - the person you don't have to give any special treatment to."

A small smile rose to Carlisle's lips, and he leaned down to press a kiss on my forehead. "I'll always treat you differently than anyone else," he stated, his words sounding like a pledge. "More specially. Because you are special."

"You know what I meant," I breathed as he pulled away, his words almost managing to make me forget the attempts to clarify my thoughts to him. I twiddled with Carlisle's hand again, my fingers moving to play with the button of his cuff, wondering how to make him understand.

"I know what you're trying to say," he reassured. "And I'm glad that you spoke to me about this. I just want you to know that I've refrained from asking certain questions because I didn't want to upset you. It's natural to avoid thinking about unpleasant memories, but I know that sometimes it's necessary to process them."

"I know," I sighed, pushing myself to sit up by my elbows. "And.. it's okay if you want to ask something. And I'll try to answer the best I can."

Carlisle pressed another kiss on my forehead, the expression on his face revealing a small amount of relief.

I lied back down again, and suddenly I felt Carlisle reaching out to tug the sneakers off my feet. He dropped them down on the floor before laying himself down next to me.

I shifted closer to his side, leaning my head against his chest and drawing in the scent of his shirt. His small gesture to take off my shoes was sweet, and it suddenly reminded me of Alice's words days ago before we had left to Alaska.

I raised my head and turned around in Carlisle's embrace, leaning my forearms against his chest and putting my chin on my wrists so I was half lying on top of him.

Carlisle looked at me curiously, quirking his other eyebrow.

"Do you think I should wear heels instead of sneakers?" I asked with a small smile, thinking about Alice's comments about the way I dressed.

Carlisle frowned for a moment, his eyes darting towards the black sneakers on the floor and then back to me, obviously wondering if his small gesture had a some sort of connetion with my sudden change of subject.

Realization washed over his face after a moment as he remembered the discussion between me and Alice days ago. He chuckled, his fingers starting to play with the ends of my hair that cascaded on his chest.

"Don't let Alice get to you," he smiled. "I've always considered heels quite impractical."

"She's been brainwashing me," I explained, puckering up my lip. "She says that you'd like it if I dressed more feminine."

Carlisle chuckled again, shaking his head. "There's nothing wrong with the way you dress," he assured. "You could wear a garbage bag, and you'd be stunning."

Even clichés sounded good when spoken by his mouth.

"Although," he continued, his fingers sneaking under the neckline of my sweater, "you will hear no complaints from me, if you one day decide not to wear anything at all."

"Oh?" I quirked my brow at him. "Are you saying that I should trudge around the house all day with no clothes on?" I asked, pretending to be confused. "What would the others think?"

Carlisle narrowed his eyes and shook his head, a small smile tugging at the corner of his lips. "That's not exactly what I meant," he corrected.

"What then?" I asked. His fingers on my neck made me shiver.

"My intention was to keep that sight only to myself," he answered, his tone shamelessly content.

"Wow," I chuckled. "You're awfully selfish."

Carlisle shrugged. "That is the case when it comes to you," he answered casually. "We all have our quirks - and I only happen to accept that small flaw in myself, and I intend to embrace that flaw properly." Before I could even blink he had removed his fingers from my neck, grasped my wrists and rolled me over. He pinned me gently against the mattress with his body, giving me a smug smile.

"You know," I breathed, still trying to get over my surprise - I loved it when Carlisle was unpredictable. "I'd like to embrace that flaw in you, too."

He kissed me then, fervently and passionately, and when he had me in a state that resembled a needy breathlessness, his fingers suddenly released my wrists and pressed against my ribs, knowing how sensitive I was there.

I pulled away from his mouth, pushing his shoulders with my hands to get him off of me as laughter escaped from my mouth.

"Stop!" I managed to wheeze, trying to escape his strong fingers that tickled my ribs - who would have thought that vampires could be so ticklish?

My attempts to free myself were useless, because I was trapped between his body and the bed, and the tickling sensation under my rib cage took all my focus, preventing me from using more force to push him away. "Carlisle, stop!"

It had been a long time since I had laughed so hard - I had almost forgotten the feeling. I could swear that the muscles in my stomach started to ache, although I couldn't be sure if it was possible anymore.

Carlisle released me eventually, thoroughly enjoying the state I was in. I tried to catch my breath as he shifted off of my body, lying down on his side and pulling me against his chest. There was a wide smile on his face as he dropped a kiss on my nose.

"I love it when you laugh," he whispered.

"You're evil," I accused, still feeling breathless after his tickle attack.

He only shrugged and kept smiling, a teasing glimmer in his eyes. "Possibly," he acknowledged.

I sighed against his shoulder, my fingers tracing the contours of his muscles of his abdomen. I wondered how ticklish he would be - and I also wondered if I had any chances to succeed with my plans to torture him the way he had tortured me.

But before I could curl my fingers to pay him back, Carlisle spoke again, his lips brushing against the top of my head.

"What did you think of Alaska?" he asked. "It's quite beautiful up there, don't you think?"

"Yeah," I answered, remembering the night when we had watched the Northern Lights. Although my attention had been somewhere else for the most of the night. And as beautiful as that particular nature phenomenon had been, Carlisle had stolen all of my focus with his own beauty.

"It's weird that some place can have that amount of snow even though it's April," I continued.

A breath of warm air brushed against my scalp when Carlisle chuckled. "You don't like snow, do you?"

"Not really," I stated. "It's cold and wet. I don't like anything that's cold and wet."

Carlisle chuckled again. "That's perfectly understandable."

We were silent for a while, and then I had to hurry to explain that the snow didn't bother be that much; I didn't want Carlisle to think that I didn't want to go back because of it.

"But all in all, it was really nice to go there," I continued. "The change of scenery was welcome."

"I'm glad that you decided to come with us," Carlisle stated quietly. "And I don't think that I've established how well you performed during the drive. Your control was remarkable."

"I don't know," I muttered, feeling self-conscious under his praise. "There's so many things to get used to. I'm already dreading the day I actually have to walk among humans. Even sitting inside a car was hard." The thought gave me shivers, and Carlisle tightened his hold of me, pressing a comforting kiss on my temple.

"We'll take little steps," he reassured. "I'm sure you will do fine."

I mulled over his words several minutes, wanting to believe them and eventually trying to force myself to believe them. The others had gotten used to it, so why couldn't I? The thought gave me a tiny piece of courage and faith, but the more insecure part of myself told me not to have too much trust in myself.

I was so zoned out for a moment that I almost didn't hear Carlisle's next words.

"Do you ever miss it?" he asked, catching me off guard.

"Hmm?" I lifted my head from his shoulder to look at him, trying to figure out what he was talking about.

There was hesitation in his eyes as he lifted his hand to cup my neck gently. "You said that the change of scenery was welcome. And I only wondered if you'll miss that way of living?" he asked. "Do you miss the traveling, and seeing new places?"

I shook my head, knowing that I had sorted that out with myself a long time ago. "I didn't exactly do it for fun," I explained, letting out a rueful chuckle. "There wasn't much to enjoy every time I moved to somewhere."

Carlisle frowned regretfully, hurrying to apologize. "I didn't mean it to sound that way," he explained.

"I know," I reassured quickly, having to remind myself that it was me who had encouraged him to ask if something burdened his mind. "I enjoyed the relief that only a new town or city could offer. It was the only thing that made it all worth it," I explained with a quiet voice.

Carlisle's hand cupped my neck again. "Do you mean, that it was easier to live in a place that nothing could remind you of your family?"

Family, home, Forks, Edward - I had struggled to leave all that behind, and there had been times when I had succeeded.

I lowered my head against Carlisle's shoulder again. The sudden need to hide almost overpowered me, and I tried to stifle the feel of regret that I had agreed to talk about this. It wasn't easy.

"Sort of," I whispered. "I made an oath with myself that I'd never let anyone that close ever again... I didn't even want to be familiar with anyone."

Carlisle's fingers stilled in my neck, and he waited silently.

"I remember this one afternoon," I explained, "I can't recall where I was at the time. But I remember sitting on a park bench, and seeing this teenage girl, and I suddenly realised that she looked somehow familiar."

"Who was she?" Carlisle asked.

"I don't know," I shrugged. "I guess I had seen her on the streets before." I blinked against the sudden prickling behind my eyelids, taking a deep breath. "I was already in another town before midnight."

I heard Carlisle drawing in a breath and licking his lips. It was easy to imagine the frown on his face. "You left because you thought that she looked familiar?" he asked, as if making sure that he hadn't misunderstood.

It sounded kind of crazy, but it was true. I wondered what Carlisle thought about me now - did he think I was crazy?

"Yeah," I whispered. "I didn't want to be able to recognize anyone. And if I was able to tell when someone looked familiar, it had to mean that I had been in that place for too long." I drew in the calming scent of Carlisle's skin again, trying to keep my feelings at bay.

Carlisle's fingers brushed against my hip, his other hand coming to trace the shape of my chin. "It's different for you now is it?" he asked softly. "You're still here." There was a question behind his words; uncertainty. The need of reassurance.

I wanted to give him that.

"Yeah," I breathed against his shirt, shifting myself so I was leaning against his chest again. His buttery eyes of gold were sad. I had put that sadness in there. "I am."

He licked his lips again, the motion revealing that same uncertainty than before.

"Would you stay?" he asked. "Here, with me?"

There were so many things and emotions in that short question, and his humility astounded me again. The fact that he didn't take me for granted was both endearing and saddening. Endearing, because his words meant that he respected me, respected me and my free will in many ways. But saddening, because he obviously couldn't trust that my presence was something to be presumed.

At the beginning, it had taken some time for him to convince me that I was welcome here - welcome in his home, in his life, in his family.

How long it would take for me to convince him that I wanted to be welcome? That I would stay, that the day I would leave his side was the day I stopped breathing? How long it would take for him to trust me to be here, to take my presence for granted?

Because I realised that I wanted him to take it for granted.

"I'll stay," I whispered to him.

And that's all it took. Those few words could seem insignificant and meaningless to someone else. But not to him - could it be, that those few words could mean so much to him?

I saw it in his eyes, then, the trust he had in my words - in me. His faith in me, and the trust that came so easily and naturally, even when I hadn't done nearly enough to deserve those things.

But that's how Carlisle was. His compassion allowed him to sympathize with his whole being, and when he trusted, he did so with abundance. His faith in the people around him only indicated how complete he was; how whole, how entire.

And if he trusted with his whole being, and believed with his whole spirit, he loved with his whole heart.

And my heart was his to love.

* * *

I'd never thought that someday I could actually enjoy the rain.

Or on a second thought, maybe it wasn't the rain that I enjoyed so much, but these moments after it. Once more, I drew in a greedy breath, the fresh air filling my lungs, and the tinges of soil and earth flowing on my tongue.

The sense of taste was something I hadn't been expecting to get to experience after my transformation, since I had no need to eat any longer. But the thrill of tasting didn't actually have to include eating, I had realised, or not even drinking the blood of a prey. As the days passed and April turned to May, there was always something new in the air every morning as I stepped outside. The wet ground and the growing grass, and the aroma of those flowers that Alice and Rosalie planted around the house befuddled me every time.

I still hadn't gotten used to all those wonderful smells, nor the fact that I could actually taste them. Sometimes it was a huge topic of amusement to Emmett and Jasper everytime they happened to find me behind the house, or on Carlisle's balcony during the days, simply sitting down with my eyes closed as I breathed in the amount of spring aromas.

I picked up a pine cone from the ground, bringing it under my nose to let the scent of resin rise into my notrils. I knew I should begin to make my way back to the house, since Carlisle would be home soon. And I didn't want the others to get worried - I had promised not to stay too long.

My self-control had improved to that extent that I didn't need a babysitter any longer if I wanted to do something as simple as to take a walk in the forest for example. But hunting alone was still strictly forbidden from me; it was easier to walk away from human scent when my mind was calm, but it might not be the case if I happened to catch a trace in the middle of the hunt when my mind was already dominated by something more primal and instinctive.

But otherwise my little hikes were permitted, as long as I avoided certain parts of the forests and mountains, staying far enough from the trails and the areas humans might be using. This new freedom felt nice after months of being under everyone's scrutiny, but the feel of freedom was nothing compared to the sensation when I knew that Carlisle and the others trusted me to keep myself in check.

I never walked too far from the house, only a few miles. I had created a habit of returning to those places where Carlisle usually liked to take me from time to time.

I glanced at the grey sky with a sigh, rising from the crouch I had lowered myself into while admiring the scenery. From the cliff I was standing on, I could see a lake dozens of miles away, and I idly wondered if it was the same one I had admired weeks ago during that one special night with Carlisle.

It was easy to lose myself in the memories, to remember the feel of cool snow beneath my body, Carlisle's grey cardigan against my skin, the taste of his lips on my tongue... I had been alive on that night, and it was Carlisle who had breathed that life into me.

My fingers sought the thin string around my wrist almost involuntarily, and I pulled the sleeve of my sweater up to reveal a piece of Carlisle's kind-heartedness.

A small piece of metal was attached to the black string, and a spontaneous smile rose on my lips as I gazed at the small gift Carlisle had given me a few days earlier. I had been reading one of his books on the couch of his study as he had come home from his shift and slipped something around my wrist.

I had gazed at the tiny sun sculpted out of metal, throwing a surprised but pleased look at his direction.

"I saw it one day in a window of an antique store," he had explained with sheepish smile. "And the sun made me think of you."

"It's perfect," I had breathed, admiring the precise design of the silver sun. It had to be handmade. "Thank you."

"Just something to brighten your day," he had answered modestly. "Now you have a sun with you, wherever you might go."

His small gesture to bring the sun back into my life was so sweet - he knew how much I missed its warmth sometimes. My fingers grazed over the brittle metal once more before I turned away from the beautiful scenery, directing my steps towards home.

I leapt off the small cliff I had been standing on the last minutes, landing steadily on my feet among the trees.

Usually I walked all the way to home, and more than once I had encountered Carlisle on the way before reaching the house - he was always too impatient to wait for my return. Now considered if I should run - I wanted to be there before he came home.

A quiet sound caught my attention before I could take a step. I turned around confusedly, focusing my hearing to detect the small animals and birds around me in the woods, trying to decipher if the sound I heard was caused by a squirrel or something else.

But the forest was oddly quiet around me. The fluttering heartbeats of the small animals were absent, and not even a breeze rustled a tree branch. As if the the nature herself had stopped to hold her breath to listen.

The silence was giving me the creeps, and suddenly I was in a hurry to get moving. I tried to ignore the prickling in my spine, and the hair that stood up in my neck as I took two steps forward, stopping to glance around me once more.

I never had the chance to take the third step.

The trees surrounding me, the cliff wall behind by back - they were suddenly very perifidious. The feeling of being cornered instensified as I heard the earlier quiet sound again, and I was able to identify it as someone's movement. The small moment of realization was short-lived, and I didn't even have the time to blink when something hard collided with my body.

After that the sensations running through me were mostly instinctive, but whatever means the nature had given me to ensure my survival were quite pointless. My mouth was moist with venom as I writhed and squirmed against the weight pushing me down against the ground, and a loud snarl erupted from my throat. The sound bore both aggravation and panic.

But it was all useless. The writhing and twisting, growling and hissing and screaming - it was all futile, because there was no one to hear my cries of help. Something dark and dense covered my vision suddenly, taking away my sense of sight.

But I kept squinting and blinking even when I couldn't see, and I kept screaming and snarling even when there was no friendly ears to hear me. And I kept fighting against the tight hold of the marble arms, even when my desperate attempts to free myself were useless.

The darkness invaded me, and I was afraid.

* * *

**AN: **Ooo. Scared? Confused? Worried? Screaming at your computers? Biting your nails?

I am.

Many of you have been wondering when the drama begins and now you have your answer. It took me longer than I thought to get to this point, but as it seems, eventually I did. Any idea who's attacking Bella?

The quote "_We all have our quirks." _is quote from Carlisle's words (or toughts, as Edward reads them) in Stephenie Meyer's never published book _Midnight Sun_.

The sentence_ "Just something to brighten your day."_ is almost a direct quote from Carlisle's words in the movie _New Moon_. I only left out the word 'a little'.


	45. Chapter 45: Withered

**Stephenie Meyer owns Twilight :)**

* * *

**Once, as my heart remembers**

**All the stars were fallen embers**

**Once, when night seemed forever**

**I was with you**

- Enya -

* * *

**Withered**

CPOV

"It's only a minimal sprain. You'll probably need crutches for a day or two, but there's no tears in the ligament," I stated, finishing my examination and rising from my crouch. "Your ankle should heal fairly quickly."

The thirteen-year-old boy sitting on the bed frowned. "Does it mean I get to skip the school?" he asked, looking openly hopeful.

"It might be the best for you to take it easy today," I complied just as his mother stepped into the room.

"Thanks, Doc," the boy said, flashing me a wide smile. I had never been able to understand the teenagers' desire to escape from their classes, and it made me wonder how terrible the secondary school must be.

I instructed the boy's mother quickly, recommending ice packs to reduce the pain and swelling, and telling the young man to avoid heavy exercising for a week. The nurse equipped the brown-haired boy with a pair of crutches, and I followed the three humans out of the room.

I had been running slightly overtime, but now I was finally free to leave. As much as helping humans brought me joy, there was something more compelling waiting for me at home. I made a quick stop at my office, filling in the paperwork before heading outside into the fresh afternoon air. I observed the grey sky as I drove home, deciding to ask Alice when the sun would be shining the next time, knowing that Bella was looking forward to those little occurrences.

Those little things that someone else might pass as insignificant were the most important ones to Bella. It astounded me how much happiness they brought to her - it revealed a lot of her personality.

The house was unusually silent as I steered the car into the garage. It puzzled me, and I wondered if everyone had decided to go hunting, although no one had implied anything about a plan such as that before I had left for the hospital.

I made my way through the silent house, dropping the briefcase on the living room table and extracting a cell phone from my pocket. I turned it on, noting the two voicemails from Rosalie. I was just about to open and listen to them when the sound of hasty steps coming from the backyard caught my attention.

Rosalie stormed inside, and the expression on her face portrayed pure anxiety. That alone had me concerned, but when her agitation combined with compassion and sadness, I was instantly alert.

"What's wrong?" I asked, dropping the cell phone on the table. "Where is everyone?"

"Carlisle," Rosalie sighed, and she seemed extremely distressed. There was sorrow in her golden eyes, but her movements seemed hasty, as if she was in a hurry to somewhere. "Something's happened."

The heart in my chest grew heavier at her words. "What?"

"It's Bella," Rosalie said, and there was haste in her demeanor again. I ran a hand through my hair, running over the list of possibilities in my mind of the things that could have gone wrong during these few hours.

Had Bella encountered a human during my absence? She had a habit of taking long walks in the forest from time to time, and I realised that I was the one to blame if something had happened.

"Where is she?" I sighed, regret swelling in my heart. How had I hoped that this day would never arrive. "I need to speak to her."

Rosalie shook her head, lowering her gaze momentarily. "It's not what you think - you misunderstood."

I was able to feel a short moment of relief, but the sorrowful look in Rosalie's eyes erased it. I tried to control the fear that was suddenly conquering me - what could have happened?

"What is wrong then? Where is everyone?" I asked again.

"I'll explain on the way," Rosalie said, gesturing towards the backdoor.

I followed her into the forest, and we started to head towards the north. I extended my steps as Rosalie sped up hers, and she started to talk so fast that I had to focus to catch all the words.

"Alice had a vision almost an hour ago," she explained, ducking a tree branch as we ran towards the mountains. "Bella had gone earlier into the woods like she usually does - and then Alice had a vision of her suddenly, about someone attacking her."

It was the first time during my three hundred years that I almost tripped over my feet.

"Who? Have you found her?" I asked anxiously.

Rosalie shook her head, and her earlier sorrow was replaced with something else. A wrathful expression rose on her face.

"No. Someone took her - we're not sure who. Emmett and Jasper continued to follow the scent with Alice, and I returned to inform you." Rosalie threw me a quick look, and the sorrow returned into her features again. "I'm sorry, Carlisle."

I barely heard the words, only continuing to run blindly towards the direction where Rosalie was leading me. On the inside I was burning - burning and fearing for Bella's safety.

Who could have taken her? Who had the wish to harm her? The thought alone was unbearable to me.

"There's something else you should know," Rosalie said as we climbed on top of a high cliff, leaping off from it and dropping ourselves to the ground on the other side.

I had lost my ability to speak - there was no space in my mind to form words. I only could think of Bella, my concern and fear for her taking every ounce of my concentration.

"I recognized one of the scents," Rosalie continued between her teeth, her words almost a hiss.

"What do you mean?" I was able to ask.

"We found several traces of scents - at least four. They were all unfamiliar, except for one," Rosalie explained, and she lashed out with her hand, a branch of a stunted pine rupturing to shatters at her blow.

"Who were they?" I asked, and the sudden feel of anger and rage startled me. Those four vampires had taken Bella. Her well-being was in the hands of those four beings who had deprived her freedom. "How could you recognize one of them?"

"Alaska," Rosalie stated simply.

She had to say no more.

Alaska.

Edward and Esme.

_Bella._

"Not again." I wasn't even aware of the words slipping from my numb lips. _Not again..._

A large lake made us halt momentarily, and I grabbed at the distraction to focus on something else - I couldn't let the fear cloud my mind. I searched the opposite shore with my gaze, knowing what I wanted to see, but being unable to.

"We separated here," Rosalie breathed. The color of her eyes was nearing black as she gazed across the waters, and then she started to wade into the water. I followed her, feeling the cold water seeping through my clothing.

"Jasper lost the trace because of the lake," Rosalie explained as we swam towards the shore. It was farther than I thought. "They made the decision to split once reaching the shore on the opposite side to scout the terrain if they couldn't find the trace anymore. I'm sure the strong tailwind doesn't make it much easier."

I nodded, but the movement was lost among the swimming strokes.

Even when we were swimming ten times faster than any human could, the width of the lake was starting to irritate me immensely. I knew the aggravation was the result of the chaotic feelings raging inside of me, and I tried to master the churning combination of fear and anger. I needed to focus, to push everything else aside until Bella was safe. She depended on me - her safety and her life had been in my hands, and I hadn't been there to protect her...

I let the strain and guilt flow through me momentarily, but as the shore neared and our feet reached the bottom of the lake, I pushed the feelings aside. I had to view this objectively. It was the only way to solve everything.

Rosalie and I were entirely drenched as we rose from the water. I breathed in deeply, trying to pinpoint the familiar scents of my family members, but the severe wind made it more difficult. The cold air prickled my wet skin like hundreds of daggers, but I ignored the discomfort, glancing at Rosalie.

"Anything?"

She shook her head, biting her lip.

"We'll climb to the mountain top," I decided as I scanned the deserted scenery around me. "We have the chance to spot them if we are high enough."

Rosalie complied silently, and we continued to the north, steering our hurried steps towards the line of mountains.

Rosalie didn't say what we both knew. She didn't say out loud the fact that Jasper, Alice and Emmett had minutes of a head start, and the chances were that they were already dozens of miles away. Not to mention those four intruders who had Bella - the chances to catch them were minimal, especially if we couldn't find traces of any scents.

But we didn't speak about the lack of our possibilities. We only had to keep going. There was no other option, not for me.

When we reached the mountain top, our eyes started to scout the scenery relentlessly. I had no need of Jasper's talent to know that Rosalie was afraid. She was afraid for Bella, for Jasper and Alice, and especially for Emmett. This day was like a repetition of the events in Alaska over four years ago, and now when Rosalie had actually confirmed that one of the culpables belonged to the same group of newborns who had slain Edward and Esme in cold blood...

I didn't know what to think. And I didn't know how to control the fear in my heart.

Rosalie breathed in the air through her notrils again, trying to search for a familiar scent. I almost asked her to turn back and return to the house, knowing how deeply this day's events affected her. She was traumatized enough already.

But I knew she wouldn't turn back. Not without Emmett.

"Is that Alice's scarf?" she suddenly breathed and pointed towards the north-east.

Almost seven hundred yards away, a brown piece of fabric tied around a tall pine flapped in the wind; Alice had left us a mark to guide us. The small piece of garment was the only sign of life in the deserted wilderness.

I didn't waste a second. "Let's go."

It was easier to follow the trace after passing Alice's mark. The wind wasn't so strong once we had climbed down from the mountains, and we let the traces of musk and lemon guide our way.

We came across a narrow but a very long lake eventually - the shoreline of it continued as far as the eye could see. The others must have swam across the lake because their scents were lost to us again.

We started to cross the lake, but just as Rosalie and I had waded into the cold water, a flicker of movement caught my eye. I touched her shoulder to stop her, seeing Jasper coming towards us on the other side of the lake, seeming to be as drenched as Rosalie and I were. The fact that he was alone both puzzled and unnerved me, and I tried to stay patient as he raised his hand, signaling for us to wait.

I looked at the direction where he had steered his gaze, and in a few moments Emmett and Alice emerged from the trees. Rosalie beside me let out a breath, but as much as it relieved me to see the three of them all right, I couldn't feel any alleviation.

Bella wasn't with them.

The small group of three vampires swam across the freezing body of water, dissatisfaction exuding from all of them - Emmett looked downright furious.

"Did you find anything?" I managed to ask when they reached us. I didn't have the strength to ask the millions of others questions swarming in my mind.

"I'm sorry," Jasper said with a shake of his head. His expression was tense, and he reached out to draw Alice against his side. "We lost the scent. Those bastards decided to split. Alice and Emmett followed the other trace while I tried to track down the one where Bella's scent was more stronger. But they went into the water again - they knew what they had to do to lose us."

"We'll keep looking, then," I stated, starting to make my way deeper into the water. Jasper's hand on my shoulder stopped me. I tried to ignore the touch and suppress the urge to shake his hand away.

"Carlisle, I'm sorry," he said, the anger now gone from his voice.

"Don't." I turned away from his kind eyes, taking another step and feeling the slippery bottom of the lake beneath my feet.

"Carlisle..." Emmett's voice sounded from somewhere far away.

"Carlisle," Jasper called out again, grapping my arm before I had the chance to go any deeper. "Of course we won't give up - but we have too large area to cover. If we're going to find her, we need more people to look. And we need to reassess the situation so we can understand it better."

"We don't have time for all that," I stated, wondering how my voice was so calm - the anger inside my heart nearly consumed me. "And how are we going to get anyone to help us? The scents will be gone by tomorrow. And if it starts to rain, there will be no prints or other tracks to follow. We have to search _now._"

"We wouldn't have come back if there was any chance to keep up with them," Jasper stated. "But I'll take you to the place where I lost the scent - maybe I missed something."

I knew he was saying that only for my benefit, but I was grateful in any case. I needed to do something - the need to find Bella and ensure her safety was so compelling that it was difficult to draw breath.

"How did all this happen?" I asked as the all of us had swam across the lake. Emmett had drawn Rosalie under his arm, his geture both protective and possessive. "Tell me everything from the beginning."

"Bella went for a walk in the afternoon like she usually does," Alice started to explain as Jasper led us through the forest. "I suddenly had a vision of her - I only saw flashes, and they were all very unclear. Like someone was suddenly bombarding me with little fragments."

"What did you see, exactly?" I asked. "Did you see who took her?"

"No," Alice sighed, giving me the hopeless answer I had been dreading. "I only saw her fighting against someone. I couldn't even tell that there were several of them before we caught their scents. Which brings to mind - Rosalie recognized one of them."

"I know," I nodded, turning to the woman with golden hair as we ran.

I had rarely seen Rosalie look like that. There was a mix of grief and anger on her face, and I hated to torture her by bringing bad memories into her mind. But I needed to know.

"You're sure about it?" I asked her. "You're sure that you know the scent?"

She nodded. "I could never forget that scent. It's familiar," she answered, "but the face is lost to me. It was so chaotic, and there were so many of them in Alaska. I have no way of knowing that to whom the scent belongs."

"It's a pity we're not sure how many of them got away on that day," Emmett complained. "We managed to destroy a few of them, but we never found out how many of them there were overall."

I had hoped that I wouldn't have to return to that day ever again. Suddenly everything was turned upside down. All these years we had beliveved that the attack in Alaska had been a random one, and in no way organized, but Bella's disappearance and Rosalie's confirmation proved that there was something more behind all this. The strings belonged together somehow - we just had to find a way to tie them together.

After crossing another line of mountains, we reached the lake where Jasper had lost the scent. I breathed in the air to find something - anything - but without success. The wind was getting stronger, wiping away our leads and slowly devastating all the possibilities to find Bella.

Around us, the night was slowly falling. My eyes searched the darkening scenery around us, and I tried not to let that darkness seep into my soul. The wind was cold against my wet skin as I glanced upon the dark surface of the water, finally comprehending the situation completely.

The sad girl with golden eyes wasn't here with me.

I was cold.

* * *

_"You'll be late if you don't go now."_

_I pressed my lips against Bella's mouth once more before opening my eyes and pulling away. Her nimble fingers came to fix my loosened tie, straightening it quickly._

_"Maybe I should stay," I suggested teasingly as she patted her palms against my shoulders, smoothing out the wrinkles in my shirt._

_"You don't have to stay because of me," she smiled and rolled her eyes. "You have lives to save. Go on."_

_"I'll think of you for the whole day," I promised as I brushed a strand of hair behind her ear. "I'll see you soon, then."_

_Bella's hand grasped my fingers, and she leaned her cheek against my palm. _

_"I'll be waiting," she promised._

I drew in a breath against my palms, trying to shake the images away. Had it been only this morning when I had exchanged those few casual words with her? How was it possible, that the world around me could change so quickly?

I leaned my forehead against my hand, wondering if I ever had the strength to get up from this spot again. We had stayed another three hours searching the mountains and trying to find leads, but those intruders had disappeared as if into thin air, and eventually we had no choice but to turn back, empty-handed.

I had wanted to stay. If I stopped searching, I wouldn't find her. But the others had insisted for me to return, and we had come back home to reassess the situation.

But this was no home for me. Not anymore.

Something was missing.

I had collapsed on the nearest chair once we got back to the house, my hollow knees no longer carrying me. My feebleness angered me - I couldn't allow myself to be weak-minded, not now when I had a resposibility to carry. I knew what I needed to do, but I had no means to continue. The hurry and haze of the earlier chase was now gone, and the foggy tiredness in my mind resembled the state after an adrenaline rush.

Alice finished her quiet conversation with Eleazar, lowering the cell phone on the table. I had heard bits and pieces of their conversation, but mostly I had blocked their voices out of my mind.

"The Denalis will be here by tomorrow," Alice said quietly.

"Thank you for informing them." My numb lips formed the words somehow, even when I hadn't made a conscious decision to speak.

Emmett's and Jasper's quiet conversation caught my interest.

"It can't be a coincidence," Emmett rumbled with his low voice. Jasper nodded, but his expression was skeptical.

"I agree," he answered. "But everything's possible. Let's not jump to conclusions yet."

I raised my gaze from the floor, turning my weary eyes to look at them. "What are you speaking about?" I asked. "What can't be a coincidence?"

"Didn't you hear Alice's and Eleazar's conversation?" Emmett asked, dropping himself on the couch. His moist clothes wetted the fair fabric of the furniture, but even Alice didn't seem to notice. She was too worried to care.

"I wasn't paying attention," I admitted, trying to think what I had missed.

Rosalie and Alice exchanged a glance.

"What?" I asked. "What were you talking about?"

Alice sighed, biting her lip. "Laurent's disappeared."

I straightened myself on the chair, a hundred thoughts going through my mind at the same time.

"Four days ago," Jasper added. "Apparently he had just walked out of the door, and never come back."

"Did he say anything to anyone?" I asked.

"Not really," Alice said. "Only that he was going for a hunt. Irina had waited for him for the whole night before leaving to search."

I stood up from the chair and started to pace.

"You know what it means," Emmett said to me, his voice rock solid. "Rosalie can confirm that one of the vampires who took Bella belonged to the same group that took down Edward and Esme. And now Laurent's suddenly missing - it can't be a coincidence."

"Perhaps not," I nodded, halting before starting to pace again. I tried to calm my fevered mind. We couldn't sort out the situation if we didn't keep our heads clear.

"But why did Laurent bother to stay with the Denalis for so long?" Rosalie wondered. "If his loyalty belonged to someone else all this time, why would he bother?"

"Inside information," Jasper stated calmly.

"For who? Why?"

Jasper's golden eyes studied all of us, and then he directed his gaze towards Rosalie. "Can't you think of anyone?" he asked instead of answering her question.

It was very silent in the room for a while as our minds drifted towards the same thing.

"Maybe Laurent never was loyal to the Denalis," Jasper drawled. "Or maybe he was - for a while. Their way of living made him curious, and perhaps he considered staying. But then an old friend asks a favor. And he complies - out of commitment, out of guilt, out of loyalty... I don't know. I don't want to make assumptions."

"But it's very clear what you're implying," I stated. "That Victoria has something to do with this."

"Victoria," Emmett spat, leaning himself against the back of the couch.

"But I remember her scent," Rosalie stated. "And hers wasn't among those four traces we found. It wasn't Victoria who took Bella."

"You're right about that," Jasper admitted. "I didn't pick up her scent, either. But it's obvious that she might have confederates. What if she was the one who created all those newborns who killed Edward and Esme? And now she uses those vampires to do her dirty work while she lurks somewhere in the shadows."

His words were met by a silence as we took in this new theory.

"It makes sense," Emmett stated eventually. "And it means that Edward's and Esme's death wasn't an accident. It was all planned out."

I sank in the chair again, running a hand through my hair. I knew our speculation could be wrong and unfounded, but Emmett was right. Too many things had happened in too short time for them to be coincidences.

"So the redhead has schemed all this," Emmett continued. "And the fact that she has the reason to be pissed off supports Jasper's theory - we killed her mate, after all."

"She's seeking revenge," Rosalie said quietly.

"But why the wait?" I asked, getting up again. I found it impossible to stay still. "Why kill Edward and Esme, and then wait all this time to take Bella?"

Jasper shrugged. "Victoria might not be a very talented tracker. It's possible that she simply haven't been able to find her - I've been under the impression that Bella's been all over the Unisted States for the past couple of years."

"And that's where Laurent comes in," I realized, earning a nod from Jasper.

"Yes," he answered, sitting beside Emmett on the couch. He ran a hand through his moist hair, frowning as he considered.

"I know very little about the dynamic in James' former coven," I pondered. "But the way Laurent left him and Victoria makes me think that the bonds between those three weren't that binding, even though Laurent refused to stand in James' way when he decided to hunt Bella. So why would he sacrifice so much of his time to stay with the Denalis, if he felt no allegiance towards Victoria? Why would he help her?"

Jasper frowned, leaning his elbows to his knees. "We can't be sure of anything," he said. "But during my life I've witnessed different types of loyalties - very different types. This might be something we're not able to understand," he pondered. "Maybe he stayed with the Denalis out of his own free will - or maybe he didn't. But let's imagine he was still in contact with Victoria somehow, and she asked him to keep his ears open if Bella's name was mentioned at some point."

"She knew," Alice whispered. "She knew that if something about Bella's whereabouts transpired to us, the Denalis would also know about it eventually. She just had to be patient enough to wait."

Rosalie slid on the floor in front of the fireplace. Her fingers plucked a pile of logs from the basket, and she started to light up a fire. "It was January when the Denalis first heard about Bella," she pondered. "If what you say is true, why would she still bother to wait another four months until attacking her?"

It was very silent again as we thought about her question. I knew it was risky to speculate so much when we couldn't be sure of anything, but there was nothing else for us to do. The only way to help Bella was to find out the reasons behind her capture.

"Bella was still a newborn back then," I realized. "And she still is - but Victoria had to wait until her strength lessened. It would have been difficult for her to overpower Bella because she was so new, even if she had several vampires to help her."

Emmett banged his fists together. "It has to be," he grunted, sounding aggravated.

"And when we visited them, Laurent got to see Bella with his own eyes. He had the confirmation that Bella truly is with us," Alice whispered. "And that's why he was so interested in her shield... he wanted to know how it works so he could share the information with Victoria."

I rubbed a hand over my eyes, sinking in the chair again. It all made sense - and for Heaven's sake, how blind had I been all this time...

I regretted that I hadn't trusted my instincts when it came Laurent. I had seen the way he looked at Bella when we had visited the Denalis a couple of weeks ago. There had been something malicious behind those polite smiles and words. I had seen it, and I had ignored it.

"But why didn't I see Victoria?" Alice wondered quietly. The look in her eyes was empty, and I knew the question was meant for herself, not for us.

"Have you kept tabs on her?" Rosalie asked.

"Not particularly," Alice sighed, a guilty frown furrowing her brow. "I should have - and now it's too late..."

I shook my head at her. "This is not your fault," I reassured her.

"Even if you had kept an eye on Victoria," Jasper pointed out, "it's possible that you wouldn't have seen the outcome in any case. She used those four unfamiliar vampires to take Bella, and you can't keep tabs on those who you don't know."

Alice sighed again, leaning against the wall and sliding herself on the floor. "If only I would've been able to see more clearly who took her." She rubbed her temples as if she had a headache, closing her eyes. "I need to focus - maybe I'll see something that can help us."

We gave her space to concentrate, but after an hour of silence she still hadn't been able to see anything about Bella's future.

I refused to consider what it meant.

It was the worst night of my life. The dark hours were full of confusion and questions, and the inability to do anything drove me into a state of madness. The time ticked by almost as if to tease and harass, to remind me that every second took Bella farther away from us. There was no time for us to waste when her life was in our hands.

During the night and the next day, we returned with Jasper to the mountains where we had lost the scent earlier. Both of us knew that the chances to find something were minimal. A rainstorm raged over us for hours, erasing all the scents and clues and making the situation even harder. But I kept looking and searching - it was easier than to stay still and do nothing.

_"I'll see you soon, then."_

My own words echoed in the back of my mind, tearing away a piece of my stone heart.

_"I'll be waiting."_

I had promised to see her soon. I had given her that one, simple promise and I hadn't been able to keep it. What kind of a person I was, if I wasn't able to keep my promises? What kind of a man I was, when I hadn't been there when she had needed protecting? She had depended on me, and I had let her down.

_"You'll be late if you don't go now."_

I could still hear the smile in her voice. Even when I spent half of my time in the hospital, she had never complained about it. She had never made me feel guilty about the amount of time I spent helping people.

_"Go on. I'll be waiting."_

I leaned against a coarse pine, having no strength to keep myself up. I closed my eyes, and I couldn't decide if I wanted to rid my mind of the memories or not.

_"I'll be waiting."_

Jasper's hand on my shoulder made me open my eyes. His golden irises were full of sorrow, and I knew he felt for me. But even the waves of serenity he tried to numb me with brought me no relief.

Nothing could.

The mountains and the forests were bare and deserted as we carried on with our desperate and futile search, roaming dozens of miles farther away. I made a quick phonecall to the hospital, arranging a few weeks of leave of absence, telling the manager that I had a family emergency. Nothing would compell me to go to work - I couldn't focus on anything.

It wasn't until the late afternoon when we returned to the house with Jasper. A black car with tinted windows was parked in front of the house, and I idly wondered how many hours ago the Denalis had arrived.

The atmosphere inside the house resembled the colors of my mind as Jasper and I stepped through the door. Despite of the fact that there were several vampires in the house, it was very quiet; no one was speaking.

The others had heard our arrival, and Eleazar was waiting me on the hallway leading to the living room. He simply reached out to shake my hand as a greeting, and giving me a one-armed embrace. His golden eyes held my gaze for a long time, and I found myself glad that he didn't say anything. Neither of us had any words for this.

The rest of the Denalis had spread around the living room. Tanya and Kate rose from the couch, and Carmen walked across the room, giving me a swift embrace. I attempted to give her a small smile, but I was unaware if I succeeded.

"Thank you for arriving in such a short notice," I thanked them all quietly. It wasn't until then when I noticed that Irina was missing - the space between Tanya and Kate seemed empty because of the lack of her presence.

Tanya saw where my mind was drifting. "Irina will arrive later," she said. "She wanted to stay behind and wait another day. She... still hopes that Laurent returns."

"She's in denial," Kate stated quietly, sounding slightly sour. It made me wonder if there had been a heated conversation between the sisters back in Alaska.

"She cared a lot about Laurent," Tanya said to her, attempting to appease. "We can't blame her for wanting to see the good in him."

"If there ever was any good in him," Kate said sharply. Tanya opened her mouth to say something, but Eleazar cut her off.

"Don't fight," he asked, calming the situation without raising his voice. "We have more important matters to discuss. If Laurent proves to be the person that we now believe he is, it only means that he never was truly part of us. We didn't lose anything when he walked away."

Tanya and Kate fell silent. Jasper left my side, walking over to Alice who sat in front of the fireplace. Her eyes were open, but I knew she wasn't completely here. A part of her focus was constantly monitoring Bella's future; she still hadn't seen anything tangible during last night.

"Alice and the others have explained the situation to us," Tanya started to speak. Eleazar and Carmen walked over to the couch, sitting down beside the two sisters.

"Also about Victoria?" I asked, throwing a questioning glance towards Emmett and Rosalie.

"Yes," Eleazar answered. I was silently relieved that we were all on the same line, and I didn't have to explain everything again.

"Many questions remain unanswered," Jasper stated, "but I have a strong feeling about all this. There's no one else who'd have the wish to harm Bella. Victoria has the motive, and I think that Laurent's sudden disappearance confirms our suspicions."

"A vengeful nature that woman has," Tanya mused. "First Edward and Esme, and now Bella..."

"They captured her alive," Kate stated softly. "It's a good sign. They won't kill her right away."

Her words were meant to comfort, but they made me flinch in any case.

"If Laurent really has been in contact with Victoria... " Tanya shook her head, the frown on her face regretful. "I can't believe that he had us all fooled."

"Did he ever say anything to indicate that he wasn't completely honest?" I asked. "Did anything catch your attention or trouble you otherwise, something that he might have said or - ?"

Kate and Tanya shook their heads.

"Nothing," Carmen answered. "He was easy-going and relaxed, and very talkative - but he rarely spoke of himself. Now I realise that we didn't learn much about him."

"He never spoke of his old coven?" I asked. "Did he ever happened to mention Victoria or James?"

The Denalis exchanged glances with each other.

"Rarely," Eleazar answered.

Alice sighed, and she lifted her hands on her temples. The movement revealed frustration.

"We need to decide how to proceed," Jasper spoke.

"But what can we do?" Rosalie asked. "We have no leads - we can search the mountains again, but if we can't find a scent to follow, we have nothing to work with. We don't know where Victoria might be."

Her words encapsulated my every worry concerning the matter, and even when I didn't want to admit it, I knew she was right. But I knew one thing; I wouldn't rest until I found Bella, even if it meant turning the world upside down.

Alice glanced at Eleazar, raising her other black eyebrow. "What of the Volturi?" she asked. "Maybe they know something that can help us. Did you receive any response from them four years ago?"

I raised my head in surprise, glancing at Eleazar. "The Volturi?" I asked. "What response?"

Eleazar leaned forward on the couch. "After Edward and Esme died," he began, giving me an apologetic look, "I made a short journey to Italy to report the newborns' attack. It was unlikely that such a large group of newborn vampires remained unnoticed by humans. I'm sure that they had dozens of victims by then, and it was only a matter of time before someone noticed."

"Such a huge group was a problem by itself already," Alice continued. "And I'm sure that the Volturi were more than eager to use their power to punish them. But Eleazar also contacted them in the hope of receiving answers," she said to me.

"I was unaware that you contacted them," I admitted to Eleazar.

"You had enough matters burdening your mind," Eleazar answered. "Only Jasper and Alice were aware of it."

"Did the Volturi find out anything about those newborns?" I asked. "We believe it's safe to say that they were created by Victoria, but if there's any new information, a location perhaps - anything at all?"

Eleazar shook his head. "That's the thing," he said. "They promised to investigate the problem, and I haven't heard of them ever since. It shouldn't surprise me that they didn't feel the need to inform me of their success - the Volturi aren't exactly responsible to anyone. They only answer to themselves."

"But it's still possible that they know something," Jasper commented. Emmett got up from the couch and he started to pace around the room. After a moment he stopped, rolling up his sleeves. It was a signal, his way of telling that he was ready to act.

The constricted feeling in my heart managed to lessen a fraction. It was easier to breathe now when I had something to set my mind to, a direction to follow.

"When do we leave?" Emmett asked, ready for everything as always. "Do we all go, or should some of us stay behind?"

I glanced at Eleazar, a wordless request for him to join me. I hesitated only a moment, wondering if it was more useful for me to stay behind and search for tracks. But at the same time I knew that if the Volturi had any information to share, I wanted to hear it with my own ears.

"Carlisle and I will leave," Eleazar informed and rose to his feet. "We'll be in Italy by tomorrow."

"I'll come as well," Jasper announced quietly. He gave Alice an anxious gaze, and I knew how he hated to leave her behind and without his surveillance.

"I'll stay here, Jazz," Alice said. "I'm more useful in here anyways. The rest of us will continue searching the mountains for traces. And I'll keep you posted if I see anything substantial."

Tanya and Kate didn't waste any time. They started to organize our leaving with Alice, booking tickets and taking care of any other arrangements.

I felt a part of the anxiety leaving me. Being able to act and do something brought me relief, but the major part of my mind was still constantly worrying. And the other half of my heart was missing - Bella had the other.

And she had taken it with her.

It was easy to leave the room unnoticed. Everyone were too focused on other things. Emmett and Rosalie had spread out a large map on the floor, and they were hunched over it with Eleazar, trying to decide which area of the mountains to scan next. Alice had opened a laptop on the table, and Kate and Tanya started to compare the best possible airlines with her.

My steps were heavy as I made my way to the third floor. I knew I should change my clothes - I was still wearing the same pair of black slacks and the pale blue shirt I had put on yesterday morning before leaving for hospital. My appearance must have been disheveled after hours of roaming in the forests and swimming in the lakes, but I cared very little. A very minimal part of me was focused on that insignificant problem. And even smaller part of my mind revolved around the simple task of changing as I made my way to my bedroom. Our bedroom.

Mine and hers.

Mostly I focused on trying not to see the room around me. I tried not to look at the blue walls and the blue bed, and I tried not to think about how many sleepless nights, how many happy nights I had spent in that bed with her. I tried not to see the withered rose on the bedside table, tried not to think about the warmth in my heart when I had realised that she wanted to save the rose I had given her...

I pried the rain-soaked clothes off my body, my fingers searching blindly for something decent to wear as I tried to ignore the gentle whispers in the back of my mind.

_"I'll be waiting."_

I let out a breath in a rush, finishing my dressing quickly and walking over to the desk in the corner of the room, searching for my passport and other documents I might need. I didn't look around me, refusing to accept the emptiness of the room.

_"Would you stay?" I asked. "Here, with me?"_

_A sudden trust lighted up Bella's eyes, her whisper full of reliance._

_"I'll stay."_

I pushed the drawer closed a little too roughly.

_"They won't kill her right away."_

The room around me was suddenly very small - it made ignoring the blue walls even more difficult. I stepped away from the desk, making my way to the balcony with shaky steps.

The air outside was fresh and clean after the recent rain, but it brought me no feel of purity. The common scents of the spring that I usually so enjoyed made my nostrils burn and singe, and I yearned to draw breath without that sensation of scalding. But what I needed even more was to hear the inhales and exhales of the girl with mahogany hair and sad eyes.

But no sounds of calm breaths could be heard beside me. The only person respiring the spring air was myself.

_"They won't kill her right away."_

The railing was cool and hard under my palms as I leaned against it. And I was weary - the stress of the last twenty-four hours nearly managed to wash me away.

The colors of twilight surrounded me slowly, enfolding the sceneries in the hazy shades of blue and purple. The evening was quite warm, but I didn't feel it - there was no warmth residing in me. It had left along with the sad girl and her golden eyes.

I drew in the scents of spring again, as the coldness in my heart slowly burned me away.

I breathed alone.

* * *

**AN: **Sniff.

So I couldn't wait until tomorrow to post this. Carlisle's sorrow breaks my heart - does anyone else want to give him a hug? I do.

The next chapter will continue with CPOV. I'm considering putting a short bit of BPOV in the end of that chapter to know what's going on with her, but I'm not sure yet.

Thanks for your reviews again. It's probably the best part of my day when I get to read them :)

Oh, and by the way. One of my dear readers wondered where to read Midnight Sun. Stephenie Meyer never published the whole book, but there's a draft to be read on her website. It contains a few chapters of Twilight from Edwards point of view. It's interesting to read it - too bad that she didn't finish it. I tried to add a link in here, but I can't make it work. FanFiction has some weird thing with their links and I've never found out how make them function :D

But here's directions to find it; go to Stephenie Meyer's website, choose the tab: Twilight Series. There should be a menu on the left where you'll find Midnight Sun. You can find the draft in PDF somewhere in the middle of the page.

Let me know what you think! :)


	46. Chapter 46: Bare

**Stephenie Meyer owns Twilight :)**

* * *

_**'Cause all of the stars **_

_**have faded away**_

_** Just try not to worry, **_

_**you'll see them some day **_

_**Take what you need **_

_**and be on your way **_

_**And stop crying your heart out**_

- Oasis, _Stop crying your heart out_ -

* * *

**Bare**

**CPOV**

"How intriguing."

Aro released my hand from his grasp slowly, almost prolongingly, as if to savor the short moment before his smooth fingers left my skin. It spoke a lot about his nature, that small moment of hesitation; about his endless curiosity to know everything. I could somewhat relate to that curiosity - to that craving for knowledge. But the two of us had a divergence, regardless of our common thirst to learn and to discover. We had many differences, which is why I had walked out of the doors of this castle centuries ago.

"How intriguing," he said again with his feathery voice. "I've always found myself wondering the life you created to yourself, my friend," he continued. He reached out with his fingers again, as if to touch my wrist for the second time. As if he couldn't get enough of my thoughts and memories. That was one of those differences between me and him; I could never be so boldly arrogant to intrude someone's privacy, and then be entirely comfortable with it.

"So plenty," Aro sighed, steering his milky-red eyes towards the two vampires standing behind me. A small smile curved his lips then, and the haze in his eyes was almost dreamlike, as if he was trying to restrain himself silently. His hypnotizing eyes turned to me again, and the expression of dreaming changed into one of curiosity once more.

"So many things you've seen and experienced," he pondered, his tone almost marveling. "So many feelings, so much love and pain and suffering..." His head tilted slightly to the side as he regarded me with his gaze. "But I wonder," he whispered, "is it all worth it?"

"I'd like to believe that it is," I answered politely. It was difficult to find patience, knowing that every fleeting second was important. "You know my thoughts now. You know the reason behind our arrival."

"Yes," Aro murmured, letting his gaze study Jasper and Eleazar once more. He studied Jasper with an open interest and hunger, while Eleazar earned a gaze of longing and acceptance from him.

It was almost easy to forget the other two vampires lurking behind Aro's back, but in that moment Caius reminded us of his presence. He stood up from one of the wooden chairs, and drifted toward us with slow steps.

"What is it, brother?" he asked, throwing a fleeting glance at me before his gaze sweeped Jasper and Eleazar. The tightness of his lips resembled an expression of loathing, but there was interest in his eyes, although that interest resembled more worry than real curiosity.

Aro didn't answer him right away, only continued to gaze at us almost languidly. His calm stood in contrast to Caius' impatience.

"An old dilemma," Aro mused after a moment, turning to Caius momentarily.

"What dilemma?" he asked.

"The one that dear Eleazar brought to our attention not that long ago," Aro answered, giving a delighted smile to the dark-haired man standing behind my back.

Eleazar stepped forward to stand beside me, nodding politely to Caius and Marcus behind Aro. Marcus gazed at the round room around him, his gaze as empty and bare as the pale bright walls were.

"We have come to you in the hope that you might be of help to us," Eleazar began corteously.

"I see," Aro smiled brightly, as if nothing could bring him more pleasure than helping us. I was on my guard despite of his exposed delight - Aro was an erratic man by nature.

"The chance to see the both of my old friends delights me immensely," he continued. His gaze flickered towards Jasper, and he narrowed his eyes as if to see him better. "And the chance to meet this talented young man - what a blessed day this is, indeed."

Jasper was still standing near the door behind me. His lack of enthusiasm to step forward and the wish to keep his distance revealed his uneasiness to me.

"A blessing indeed," I agreed. "And it would be a fortune to us, if your knowledge can help us." I kept my tone polite, but on the inside my patience was thinning. But I knew it was unwise to rush with Aro, or to pry information from him with hurry.

"Dear Carlisle," Aro smiled, a bubble of laughter flowing from his lips. "It delights me to see you once more, despite of the circumstances. The wish to seek our knowledge has brought you here tonight, but I'm afraid that this time our answers might me useless to you."

I tried to swallow the frustration and disappointment after hearing his words, not wanting to admit myself how much I had put faith in this meeting.

Caius trudged behind Aro again, impatience exuding from his demeanor. He didn't like it when he didn't know what was going on.

"Are you certain?" Jasper asked, speaking now for the first time. He stepped forward, coming to stand by my right side.

"This group of newborns," Aro began, strolling back and forth languidly as he spoke, "has brought a great deal of trouble to you - and to us. Luckily, the problem they have presented is solved in part."

"In part?" Eleazar asked.

"Several of them received their punishments years ago," Aro assured. "The situation in British Columbia was in our attention already before Eleazar came forth with his information about the newborns' location during that time."

"British Columbia?" Jasper asked.

Aro glanced at him with a quirk of his brow. "Yes, my young friend. The occuring deaths and disappearances inside the province were beginning to draw attention. We were able to discover the culpables more quickly with the help of Eleazar - he kindly enough pointed us the right direction."

"So you found the group of newborns?" I asked. "Or part of that group?"

"Indeed we did," Aro nodded. "And as I said, the problem was solved, although not completely."

Caius stepped forward. "Brother," he hissed. "It is unwise to reveal our knowledge to them - we owe them nothing. They don't need our answers."

Aro only smiled. "Calm yourself," he said. His voice was pleasantly polite, but there was a hidden authority in it. He turned his gaze back to me, his frown slightly regretful.

"How many of them got away?" Eleazar asked straightforward, as if nothing had passed. His bluntness didn't bother Aro, and I was glad that there was the old respect and comfort between those two.

"Seven of them received their punishments," Aro answered. "It embarasses me to admit that the number of the remaining newborns was unclear. But they have simply earned a few years of grace, and their fates are already determined. It's only a matter of time before they meet their punishments."

It was peculiar how easy it was for him to admit his own failure and do so almost inconspicuously, and at the same time to imply that it wasn't a failure after all.

"But now," Aro pondered again, "we have a better understanding. From Carlisle's memories I see that at least four of them are still walking among us. If they indeed belong to the same group."

"It's plausible that they do," Jasper said quietly. "And their creator shouldn't be forgotten, either."

"That is correct." The look in Aro's eyes was carefree, as if the trusted the time to arrive for those who he wanted to punish. He was in no hurry, but we were.

His next words managed to surprise me.

"The creator - Victoria," he said, "is already familiar to the Volturi."

"She is?" I asked. I exchanged a glance with Jasper and Eleazar - they looked as puzzled as I felt.

"Indeed, my friend," Aro answered. "She once belonged to a coven which we were forced to destroy, unfortunately." He frowned regretfully again, the expression on his face burdened. "Centuries have passed since that day."

"Why did you let Victoria live?" Eleazar asked. "If the the coven she belonged to was destroyed..."

Aro let out a laugh. The sound bore amusement, although his eyes weren't that delighted. "We did not let her live on purpose," he admitted. "We haven't been able to find her - it appears that it's nearly impossible for anyone to find her. After all, she still lives after centuries of being on the run. I'm beginning to wonder if she possesses a gift that allows her to avoid the threats directed at her. You would have been able to discover that," he continued, directing his words at Eleazar. "What a shame that you weren't with us back then."

Eleazar looked pondering, and I knew that this new information about Victoria troubled him as much as it troubled me.

"It's too bad that Demetri can track only those who he has met before," Eleazar stated after a moment, his comment both innocent and regretful. "Or do you think he would be able to track her if he happened to run into her?"

"Demetri's talent can compare to no other," Aro said, sounding almost confused.

"It would be useful for the both of us in this difficult situation," Eleazar pondered.

His way to speak to Aro without reserve apparently bothered Caius - the man with pure white hair hissed and turned away from us, walking over to Marcus and mouthing words in his ear, so quietly that only the two of them could hear. Marcus nodded and shrugged, seeming uninterested in Caius' unease.

"Assuming that Victoria's possible talent to hide herself doesn't negate Demetri's," I mused, wondering if it was possible.

"He has never failed in his task to find his target, once he has the chance to meet one," Aro assured. "But the current situation limits this possibility - as Eleazar pointed out, he's never met this woman."

"It's too bad," I stated. "Our situation is quite urgent." Aro knew this, of course - in my mind, he had found everything he needed know. "And I realise that the nature of our request might confuse you. I understand that the Volturi's responsibility is to enforce the law, not to solve personal vendettas among vampires."

"But the truth is that our problem is mutual," Jasper continued. "We are both searching for the same culpables, and maybe we might be of use to each other."

"Perhaps," Aro admitted, not willing to acknowledge any need of outsiders' help even out of courtesy. "I can assure you, that even now our operatives are solving the matter. And we are one step closer, now when we are aware of the recent location of these offenders."

"Can I trust to ask you a favor, then?" I asked.

"Ah, dear Carlisle," Aro smiled and laughed. "I already know the favor you have in mind," he said and lifted his finger to tap his temple.

Eleazar drew in a breath. "We came here in the hopes of receiving information about location of the newborns' creator, as you know," he said. "But it seems that you don't have the answers we need, as you already revealed earlier. And the possibility that Victoria has the ability to hide herself doesn't ease the situation."

Aro declined his head slighty. "It is regretful, indeed. But as said, it's only a matter of time. Law is law, and sooner or later those former newborns who violated our laws will be punished - along with their creator. She cannot hide forever."

"I hope it's sooner rather than later," I stated politely. "We have no time to lose."

"Yes," Aro breathed and closed his red eyes momentarily. "How tragic this must be for you, to find your mate after years of grief... only to lose her."

"She's not lost to me," I assured. "And I won't give up until I find her. But it would be a lot easier with the help of someone as powerful as you."

"You flatter me, my dear friend," Aro smiled. "And of course you can trust me to contact you if something unravels to us. As long as you can give that same promise in return."

"Certainly," I nodded. "Our search will continue, forever if needed."

The expression on Aro's face a mix of compassion and amusement. I coudn't understand how he managed that - to feel empathy for someone, and find it humorous at the same time.

"It doesn't surprise me that Laurent seeks the woman's company," Aro suddenly stated. "He's always felt the need to associate with vampires who possess a lot of influence and power."

Once again I exchanged glances with Eleazar and Jasper. Aro's surprising comments started to unnerve me, and I felt slightly wrong-footed after his yet another revelation.

"Laurent is familiar to you?" I asked.

"Yes," Aro smiled, stretching out the word. "He once desired to join us - such a wish would normally flatter me, but from his thoughts I learned that he was untrustworthy. I was compelled to ask him to leave."

"I suppose Demetri didn't have the chance to meet him?" Eleazar asked, but his voice wasn't that hopeful. If Demetri had any chances to find Victoria via Laurent, Aro would have proceeded to do so the moment his fingers left my skin.

"Demetri was occupied with another task during the time when Laurent seeked our company," Aro answered, taking away the last glimmer of hope.

I idly wondered if Aro had any other surprising information to share, and we waited silently as we pondered the facts we had already received. I attempted to form a plan in my mind, and come to a decision what do next. But our paths were still blocked, and taking action was difficult without any direction to follow.

Aro smiled suddenly, seeming surprisingly delighted, and then he laughed again, clasping his hands in front of him. "You've managed to achieve some... _interesting_ personalities to follow you, and your way of living," he said to me, without a doubt going over my thoughts and memories again. "What a gift it would be to be able to see the future, or to sense the emotions around you," he mused, his gaze fleeting to Jasper again.

Jasper revealed no uncertainty under his gaze, but the tightness of his jaw told me that Aro's hidden greed irritated him.

"The members of my family are all special," I answered courteously, preparing myself to leave. There was nothing for us in here any longer, but even though Aro hadn't been able to give us the answers we had hoped, we were one step closer than yesterday; the Volturi operatives were at least searching for Victoria and those four vampires, and I had trust in Aro's promise to inform me if something was revealed.

I moved slightly as a signal of my intentions to leave, but Aro closed his eyes, a curious smile curving his lips. "A rare talent your mate possessess," he mused, and I remembered my silent wish weeks ago to keep Aro ignorant of Bella and her gift. But now I had been forced to lay open that knowledge, and I could only hope that Aro respected me enough to leave Bella alone.

"The shield she possesses is rare but still undeveloped," Eleazar stated, without a doubt trying to contain Aro's enthusiasm.

"Hmm." Aro nodded with his eyes still closed, but then he opened them, giving a warm smile to Eleazar. "But with a little training and effort..." he let the words hang in the air, shaking his head regretfully. "What a prize she would be, although it is unlikely that she has any interest to join us."

Caius snorted behind his back, the sound mocking. Marcus sat silent, gazing around the room with his red eyes without any interest. Aro ignored Caius' hiss, and he gave me a long look, as if he waited for me to deny his statement.

I took no notice of his words. "Thank you for your help and kindness," I thanked politely, nodding quickly before turning around.

"I hope that you find your Isabella," Aro declared behind me before Eleazar and Jasper declined their heads, and started to walk with me towards the wooden door. The need to leave the room was suddenly compelling; I suddenly saw myself reflected from Marcus' hollow eyes, his disinterest in everything disclosing my own despair and emptiness.

They were my eyes I saw in him.

I barely registered the tree vampires escorting us out of the castle. I didn't see the beautiful corridors and hallways around me, and the beauty of the sleeping town was also lost to me as we made our way outside.

"What do we do now?" I asked, the limit of our options unnerving me. For the last hours I had hung to the hope that the Volturi might know something that could help us, but now that hope was lost, too.

"Alice will see something," Jasper assured. His voice was confident, and I wondered if he truly believed in his words, or did he only say it to reassure me.

"The Volturi will focus their search now," Eleazar added. "They have more accurate knowledge of the area where those vampires were last spotted. With the amount of operatives they have, the task should be a lot easier."

"But we can't be sure of their priorities," I noted. "If they have more pressing matters to deal with..."

Eleazar shook his head. "The Volturi won't forget - and they certainly won't give second chances. It's an embarrassment to them, that they haven't been able to find those vampires who have broken their laws. Their minds won't be at ease before they have punished the culpables, and made their position of rule clear once again."

The ancient clock tower above us gave a loud toll, signaling us of the pass of time. The sound echoed in the night.

_"They won't kill her right away."_

A shudder traveled through me - I had no means to stop it. I tried not to let the fear take over my heart, but the small voice in the back of my mind whispered intimidations, saying that we already might be too late.

Jasper's hand on my shoulder brought me little comfort. My heart was as cold as the night air in my lungs as we left the town of Volterra behind us. We had come here in the hope of knowing more as we took our leave, believing that the long hours spent while traveling would be worth it. Perhaps they had been, but we failed to know it for certain.

It was one of the worst things; the lack of certainty. I knew I wasn't the only one unnerved by it. As we arrived home hours and hours later, Alice was almost mindless because of it.

"I've been monitoring both Victoria and Bella," she said to me, sounding exhausted. "Maybe if I got a glimpse of Victoria's intentions, I'd be able to see where she's taking Bella, or where she's keeping her right now. But it's as if she's avoiding making decisions - and I can't see anything from her."

"She's taking advantage of the fact that you can't see the outcome before she decides," Jasper stated. "She's still operating through someone else, like she did when Bella was captured."

"She can't avoid it forever," I sighed. "She has to make a move to one direction or another eventually." I felt oddly disconnected from the words, even when I knew what it would mean when Victoria decided to act. She had captured Bella for one reason only; to seek revenge. And once she decided to act, it might be already too late for us to stop her.

And it would cost us Bella's life.

I raked a hand against my scalp, feeling my fingers jerking the ends of my hair. That slight pain brought me relief, and with the relief came the hollowness.

"What about Bella?" I asked from Alice. "Have you seen anything from her?"

She hesitated, her golden brown gaze flickering to the wall behind me momentarily. "I'm not sure," she said quietly, avoiding my eyes. It caused me to wonder if she was hiding something. "I keep seeing flashes - they fleet very quickly, and I can't be even sure if there's anything to see."

"What do you see in them?" I asked, wondering why she hadn't told us immediately that she had seen something.

Alice avoided my gaze again, a frown furrowing her brow. "Darkness," she answered. "Just... darkness. It's possible that I'm seeing it through Bella's eyes - it's like something is blocking her vision."

"It means that she's still alive, at least," Eleazar said quietly.

Sounds coming from the forest ceased our conversation. In a moment Rosalie and Emmet appeared, Tanya and Carmen with them. They studied our expressions before Carmen walked over to Eleazar, enfolding him in her embrace.

"Did you find out anything?" Rosalie asked.

"Nothing to help us to move forward," I answered. "It appears that the Volturi managed to destroy part of Victoria's newborns four years ago, but the location of the remaining vampires is unknown."

Emmett and Rosalie looked almost as disappointed as I felt.

Jasper narrated Aro's news to them about Victoria's possible talent to sense those who pose a threat. Emmett snorted loudly, shaking his head.

"Well that makes this all easier," he remarked dryly.

"Irina came after you had left for Italy," Rosalie informed. "She and Kate are still on the mountains searching for trails."

"Have you had any luck?" I asked, even when I could see the answer on their faces. But I had to ask.

Emmett shook his head. "The rain washed away all the prints and scents."

"We have to keep our eyes open when we continue to search the mountains," Jasper stated. "The Volturi are now aware of Victoria and those four vampires that took Bella, and they are now after the same thing as we are. It appears that when Victoria created those newborns, they caused a bit of a havoc in this province."

"So the Volturi are also searching for Victoria?" Rosalie asked.

Jasper nodded. "And those four vampires who supposedly belonged to that group of newborns."

"Well that's good," Emmett stated gruffly. "From what I've heard of them, they seem to be very eager when it comes to punishing someone."

"We have better odds to find a trace now, if the Volturi are searching as well," Carmen said. She sounded positive - Carmen had always possessed the way of seeing light in the darkness.

But that light was too dim for my eyes. The only light that allowed me to see through the haze was gone now; it had left together with the sad girl of porcelain skin and eyes of summer. And it was only now when I completely understood the longing gazes she had casted upon the grey heavens so often, looking for the light and the sun that had gone missing from her life. My eyes were searching for that same light now; searching, and unable to find.

The world around me was dark, and it was beautiful. But my eyes failed to see the beauty, for my vision was shrouded with shades. Eventually, it was only those shades of darkness that filled not only my eyesight, but also my heart.

Because the sun that had lighted my way was missing.

My bare heavens shouted for the absence of that sun.

* * *

**BPOV**

The tips of my fingers were numb from scratching.

I forced my hands away from the stone wall for the thousandth time. The tremble of my stained fingers didn't surprise me, but the fact that my nails were still unbroken did manage to baffle me a bit. I didn't know why I expected the marble at the tips of my fingers to graze and scuff - I should know better by know. It was difficult to do damage to a body that was nearly indestructible. Difficult to do damage, yes - but that didn't stop them from trying. As if they were testing how long I would last before crumbling to little pieces.

Like the walls around me crumbled little by little; I kept bounding the hard surface, kept sinking my nails into the cool material of stone. Piece by piece, I managed to crush some of the material that was surprisingly hard - it didn't make any sense that my hands couldn't do more damage to it.

But it was all for nothing; I should know better by now. I only managed to make a little more room in my little prison by shattering away the outer layers of stone - more room in my prison to make my captivity more tolerable.

Except it didn't make it more tolerable.

And they would always come before long, and they would cover my eyes again. And I could see the dense texture of the dark fabric as I felt their steel grips around my arms and neck. I always raged and fought against their hold; it was futile, but I did it anyway. They would move me into another almost identical room then, very similiar to the previous one; that preventive action was the sign for me that I had almost succeeded in digging myself out.

But I never succeeded - they made sure of that.

I should know better by now.

There were times when I didn't use my energy for clawing and pounding the walls. Those times I feigned sleep. Pretending to myself got easier after some time. At first I tried to keep up with a routine, and that learned habit to have a some sort of a day rhythm managed to keep me sane for a while. Claw, pound, close your eyes. Claw, pound, stare at the hazy darkness, close your eyes. Claw, pound, close your eyes, claw, pound, claw, claw...

But the inability to measure time rid me of that small learned habit before long.

I should know better by know.

The hours stopped existing eventually. As did the concept of days and weeks - if someone suddenly came to me and said that I had been in here for ten years, I'd believe it with no doubts in my mind. And because the time stopped mattering eventually, the only way for me to measure the pass of it, was the occurrences.

Sometimes I got to be alone for what seemed to be a long time, but then there were moments when they couldn't simply leave me be - it made me crave for those lonely moments spent while scratching the walls.

During the first times when they came to taunt me, I stood with my head high and looked at them with fearless eyes. I studied their features, memorized every angle of their forms, and I certainly didn't stay silent. Their taunting and tormenting only fueled my fire to pay back in kind, even when I knew that I was irretrievably disatvantaged. I was alone, and there were many of them.

Eventually I stopped looking at their faces when they came to me, and eventually I learned that it was better to be quiet. Spitting words didn't relieve my situation, and screaming didn't make the pain easier.

The pain - there were a hundred different tones of it. At first, it was only the hurt and insult caused by words - it stung and it abased, but I could take it; it was nothing compared to the physical pain.

Their rough handling was mostly meant to dominate and humiliate, and the heightened sense of touch in my marble skin ensured that I felt every forcible press of fingers against my body, and every stab of the razor-sharp teeth breaking through my clothing and sinking into my skin.

But there was something that surpassed the power of that humiliation, or the discomfort when one of them had me pressed against the hard wall; those things hurt, but eventually another sensation drowned them. And the worst thing was, that they didn't even need to lay a finger on me in order for me to feel that.

It was the thirst. I had already begun to guess when it would get unbearable. Of course they wouldn't let me quench it, and I wasn't as fool as to expect them to let me out of this hole so I could hunt. It would be too humane of them to let me do that, and there was no humanity in this place.

And second after second, I was further away from my own humanity. I felt parts of it leaving me piece after piece, with every blow of fist colliding with my body, with every sink of teeth in my skin, and with every breath I drew into my burning lungs. I tried to cling to that little humanity I had left, tried to hold onto those small things that made me who I was.

But with every inhale I burned a little more, and with every exhale I existed a little less.

My humanity was escaping somewhere, and I wanted to escape with it. But there was no escape. Not for me.

I should know better by now.

* * *

My throat burned and blazed.

I pushed myself up on the cool floor, hauling myself into a sitting position. My movements were pitifully feeble and pathetic - the thirst had made me weak.

I made sure not to open my fist as I sat up. I had curled my fingers around the small piece of metal attached to the black string, hiding the remaining fragment of my sanity from them. I didn't want them to take it away.

The outlines of the metal sun pressed against my palm as I tightened my hold lightly, being careful not to crush the fragile object. The cool metal felt almost warm against my skin, and it surprised me a bit. Rare things felt warm to me anymore.

"_Just something to brighten your day,_" he had said when he had given it. "_Now you have a sun with you, wherever you might go_."

The venom stung behind my closed eyelids as the small sun pressed against my palm. My only sun in this darkness.

"Hey," I called out to that darkness. "What's your name?" I swallowed to rid myself of the burning sensation in my throat. It wasn't wise to open my mouth and speak, but I did it anyway. It brought me satisfaction to see the annoyment on his face.

The pale vampire standing three yards away from me regarded with his gaze me mutely. He had a dark brown hair and flaming red eyes, and he didn't like me. The feeling was mutual.

"Not a social person, are you," I murmured, swallowing against the flames in my throat again.

It was silent for a while, and I wondered why my words hadn't irritated him - usually if I made the mistake of opening my mouth, I got to regret it immediately.

"Milo," the silent man answered suddenly, a lazy smile curving his lips. His eyes were malicious, and he smiled again. Something amused him greatly, but I didn't know what - not yet, at least. I had a feeling that I would find out sooner or later.

"Hello, Milo." I drew in a ragged breath, trying to ignore the scorch in my throat. I had never asked their names before. I knew the texture of their fingers better than I knew my own, but never had I asked their names. It hadn't occured to me before now, and it's not like they ever really gave me the chance to ask anything in any case. They were always too busy with inflicting pain on me. "Where are your friends today?"

Milo narrowed red his eyes and smiled again, ignoring my question.

"Come on," I prodded. "Why so sullen? Are they with your mistress?"

I said the word mistress casually - that would irritate him, for sure.

It had taken a few days for me to realise that Victoria was behind all this. It might have taken even longer if I hadn't heard her talking to her pawns - it was easy to recognize her clear voice, even after all these years. She never came here - I hadn't even gotten a glimpse of her red hair. I wondered how much my human memories differed from her looks.

"Quiet," Milo ordered, and his tone was meant to warn me. Don't talk unless you want to regret the day you were born, he said wordlessly. But I felt defiant today, and I considered annoying him just a little more.

I didn't have the time to open my mouth, though. Sounds could be heard behind the heavy door of the small room, and I focused my hearing to catch the words. But the heated conversation ceased before I could eavesdrop, and the strong door made of metal screeched open. I hadn't managed to get through that door - my fists had only left dents and small marks on the shiny surface of it.

"Bring the girl," a cold voice said. The feminine smoothness of it stood in contrast to the masculine voices I had gotten used to hearing so far.

Milo threw a surprised glance at the red-haired woman standing at the door. I had one second to study Victoria with my gaze, and I wondered why she was here. She never came here - this was the first time I had seen her in my little cell so far.

Two more vampires stepped inside the room and captured my focus, making me forget Victoria. I squeezed my hand into a fist again to hide the small silver sun, knowing that I should worry more about this sudden change in my daily schedule than the bracelet in my hand, but I couldn't bring myself to care. That bracelet represented everything I missed, and every piece of that humanity and freedom I had lost. And it reminded me of the man with golden eyes, and the mental image of him was the only thing to give me strength to draw in yet another breath into my burning lungs.

Both of those familiar men had very dark hair, nearly black. The other one of them walked over to me, and I started to stand to avoid his rough gestures. But I wasn't fast enough - fingers pressed into my arms as he hauled me to my feet roughly, covering my eyes with a thick garment to prevent me from seeing.

"Where are we taking her?" I recognized Milo's low voice as I took a blind step forward. Someone grabbed my other arm.

"Somewhere else," came Victoria's reply. Someone nudged my back roughly, and I stumbled forward, starting to walk towards the direction where they were steering me.

"Why?"

The sound of my steps echoed around me, and I could feel the difference of the floor beneath my feet.

"We have no time to waste," Victoria answered. "Someone is coming soon."

The words almost made my dead heart leap. Someone was coming... and I dared to hope - maybe they got here fast enough...

"How did they find us?" Milo asked, his voice sounding somewhere ahead of me. I kept walking, trying to ignore the painful grips around my arms, and the scorching burn in my throat.

"I don't know," Victoria spat. "But we have to move now."

"Is it the Cullens?" Milo asked. "Or the Volturi? Where are we taking her?"

"Quiet!" Victoria snarled. "Not in front of the girl - Evan knows where we'll go."

I tried to get an idea of the place I was. The little air that managed to seep through the thick fabric smelled stuffy, and judging from the way the sound of our steps bounced from the walls, we had to be in a hallway of some sort.

If I waited for their grips around my arms to loosen a bit, I might have a chance...

A door opened somewhere ahead of me. I heard Victoria and Milo stepping through it, and as I felt the warm, dry air hitting my skin, I tensed my muscles and readied myself to flee, and then wrenched myself away from the tight grasps.

I managed to take a few quick steps, at the same time yanking the fabric off my eyes, but then something hard collided with my body with the force of a wrecking ball, and I caught a glimpse of the dim desert scenery before my eyes as I hit the ground. And then I had no thoughts to spare for my surroundings anymore - the strong arm around my throat captured my attention quite effectively.

"Don't be difficult." The steely tone in that cold voice bore fury as the grip around my throat tightened, and I knew that it took only one swift motion of that strong arm to end my life. "You should know what happens if you don't obey." The cool breath brushed my neck, making me shiver involuntarily.

The strong arm gave a violent yank, and then I was on my feet again. The black garment, now partially covered with sand and dust, was draped over my head, shrouding my vision again. I coughed slightly, the burn in my throat already bothering me, but the particles of dust irritating the flames even more.

The engine of a car started rumbling somewhere, and I recognized the sound. It was the same van they had brought me here with all that time ago. Was it days ago, was it weeks ago - I didn't know, and I didn't even speculate on that anymore. I only wondered when they were going to kill me.

Because that's why I was here, right? Why else would Victoria want me - I was indirectly responsible for the death of her mate, after all. The only thing she could want from me was revenge - she had only decided to play with me for a while, like cats play with their prey before eating it.

I wondered when she would get tired of playing.

The floor of the van was hard under my side as I lied on it. Hands pushed me down again, holding me in place. They didn't trust me to stay still and quite frankly, I couldn't trust myself to stay still. The material of the vehicle was so frail, and it would be so easy to punch my way through the tailgate of the van, if only I could move...

"How far?" a low voice asked as the van started to move.

"I don't know." Victoria's voice sounded somewhere from behind my back, and it was tight with tension. "I can't tell the distance. I only know that someone is nearing."

Her words puzzled me momentarily, and I grabbed at the chance to occupy my mind with something. How could she know that someone was coming, when the other four vampires couldn't tell it? How did she know?

Minutes turned to hours as I mulled over it without finding an answer, and eventually I had to figure out something else to think about. I closed my eyes, pinpointing the five vampires inside the van. Their presences flickered inside my mind, and I tried to search more signs of life around me, once again wondering who was coming after us.

And I dared to hope again. My fingers squeezed the metal sun in my hand, and I thought about the person who had given it to me. His golden eyes, and his fair hair, his warm smile and pale skin... My heart almost ripped in two then - could I ever see him again? Would I live long enough?

"Don't let her breathe," Victoria stated suddenly. "We have to drive through the city, and we can't risk her getting out of control."

A rough hand blocked my airways. I tasted the dusty fabric in my mouth as it pressed against my lips. I struggled against the tight hold for a moment, doing so both out of habit and out of fury, but to no avail.

I wondered where we were. The wish to know the name of the city was so fierce that it burned. If only I knew where we were - maybe if I thought it hard enough... maybe it would allow Alice to see me in her visions. Maybe she could help me. Maybe she was after me right now - she, and the others.

Maybe she would bring Jasper with her. Fierce, and scary Jasper... And maybe Emmett would be there, too. He'd never miss the chance to get into a good fight... and I was sure that Rosalie could be ferocious, when she happened to be in the mood.

The venom prickled against my closed eyelids as I thought of them. And I was ripping in half again as I remembered the man with kind heart and golden eyes.

The sounds of the city seeped into my mind as my fingers clutched the silver sun against my chest. I was able to find myself glad that someone was covering my mouth, because I knew that it would only take a diluted trace of human scent to drive me out of my mind.

I had an urge to block my ears as the sound of the dozens of heartbeats corroded into my consciousness. The lapping sound was moist, making the flames lick my throat.

"Hold her still," Victoria hissed. It wasn't until then when I realised that I was struggling against their hold again, but this time I hadn't made a conscious decision to fight. My movements were driven by instincts, triggered by the thirst that nearly resembled insanity. Those sounds - they made promises of quick relief, and I could almost taste the warm blood on my tongue...

The thick fabric started to feel coarse against my face as the hold around me tightened. A memory came to me; I remembered the feel of the soft garment against my skin, and the comforting darkness of the black coat as I had pressed my face against it, letting the musky scent of wood and linen fill my senses and making me forget everything else. The disruptive chaos of sounds and scents had been lost to me as I had clung to that garment like an anchor. It seemed like a lifetime since I had been sitting inside the black car, reading poems and seeking safety from that familiar coat to forget the distractions around me.

My current situation was a mockery of that moment.

_"It's alright Bella, you're doing so well... It won't be long now, Bella."_

His honeyed voice in my memories should have made it all harder, but suddenly I found myself listening to that voice. Those words were only memories, echoes of the things I longed to see and hear, but I listened to them, forgetting myself in the velvety folds of the smooth tenor.

The sounds of the city passed and quieted, and so did the memories in my mind. I tried to grasp at them, but the quietness around me made it oddly harder.

It was very silent; only the rumbling of the engine could be heard. Lying down for so long started to feel uncomfortable, especially because of the tight holds around me. The need to move was like a reminder from my human life, like a natural urge to prevent my muscles from going stiff.

I ventured to move slightly. The hand that had been sealing my airways and preventing me from breathing moved to grasp my neck. The hold wasn't tight, but I knew it didn't need to be - not yeat, at least. It was only a worldless message to me; move one more time and you're dead.

I didn't move anymore. But I wondered how long it would take until I started to fathom the idea of it. This couldn't go on forever, after all. My time was ticking, and eventually it would run out.

But I stayed still, despite of the quiet whispers in my mind that told me it wouldn't matter if I died now or days later. I tried to silence those whispers, as I clutched the metal sun against my chest, drawing in another painful breath. The flames of thirst consumed me again, and I hoped for someone to put out the fire that slowly burned me away.

But there was no one to put it out. There was no one to banish the flames, no one to prise away the fingers around my throat. The small flicker of hope died away as the seconds passed by.

No one was coming.

I should know better by now.

* * *

**AN:** In the book_ Eclipse _we learn that Victoria has an instinct that allows her to sense the danger coming at her. I nearly left that out in my story (this is AU after all) but then decided to include it. It complicates things, and you know me. I'm the princess of complications.

From _Twilight Saga Wiki_ I found out that both Victoria and Laurent are familiar to the Volturi. Laurent indeed sought their company decades or centuries ago, because he's drawn to people with power. And as Aro explains in this chapter, Victoria belonged to a coven that was eventually destroyed almost completely by the Volturi after "attracting too much attention". It's unclear to me wheter or not Demetri has met Laurent or Victoria; I couldn't find any positive information about that. But once again, I'm indicating that he hasn't met either of them. Because, hey; complications.

Let me know what you think :)


	47. Chapter 47: Waning

**Stephenie Meyer owns Twilight :)**

**AN: **Your reviews make my day, so I sincerely thank you for them once again :)

The previous chapter was a little angsty as you have noticed, and one of my wonderful readers asked the same question I have asked from myself dozens of times. Some of you may have found yourself wondering whether or not there has been any sexual abuse during Bella's captivity. I debated with myself for a long time whether or not I should go down that road with the story, because the impact on the character is so huge. The description of Bella's captivity was purposely left pretty vague and without any major details - I actually considered putting a warning at the beginning of the previous chapter, but then decided to leave it out because there wasn't anything too graphic in it, and also to leave some room for interpretation.

As to answer your question, in my mind there might have been at least some sexual harassment, but I'd like to believe that Bella's captors haven't gone that far as to actually rape her. This is how I feel about the matter right now. It's difficult to say either 'yes' or 'no' at the moment, but I'm sure that in the future we learn more of what's happened.

I'm nearly done with the next two chapters, and I'll be posting them weekly as I've done so far. After that the next update may take a while, although I'm not sure yet. I live on a farm, and the spring and summer are extremely busy for me which leaves me less time to write (the cows told me to say moo to you btw). I'll try to keep up with my normal posting pace as well as I can, and who knows - sometimes the chapters nearly write themselves.

Let me know what you think, and please keep asking questions if something is on your mind :)

* * *

**_A life lived in fear  
Is a life half lived._**

- Mark R Slaughter -

* * *

**Waning**

CPOV

The air around me was humid and warm as I lowered myself on the metallic bench of the small balcony. I made sure to stay in the shadows, hiding from the rays of light as I tried to gather patience while waiting for the Edmonton sun to set. I usually enjoyed the rare possibility to see that simple event of nature, but not tonight.

Another warm breath of wind brushed against my skin. Ignoring the sounds and scents coming from the streets, I glanced at the golden giant once more, running a hand through my hair as I waited. I counted the minutes until it would be safe for us again to emerge from the shadows and continue our quest.

Our search had been more or less fruitless so far. Several weeks ago, the operatives of the Volturi had managed to track the scent of those four vampires to somewhere in Mexico. It was certain now that Victoria was responsible for everything - the Volturi had achieved a confirmation about that. But she had been one step ahead of them, fleeing before they had managed to find her or her associates. Her instinct for evasion came valuable for them; even when the Volturi had better chances to follow their scent now, they were always gone before anyone had the chance to find them.

Alice was nearly constantly focusing on Bella's future, and when she wasn't observing her, she was either searching for Victoria or Laurent. Finding Victoria proved to be troublesome; Alice could barely see her at all. It was obvious that Victoria had put someone else in charge of the decisions, effectively avoiding Alice's ability to see her. The only obscure vision Alice had managed to see was of Victoria and Laurent meeting somewhere, but where and when remained yet to be determined.

"There's too many variables," she had said. "Too many possibilities for something to change. But I'm quite sure they'll meet - I just don't know when."

And so we found ourselves under the sun of Edmonton. The Volturi operatives were continuing their search for Victoria while we focused on Laurent. Eleazar had decided stay with the Volturi and search with them, and his decision was a wise one, although I knew he didn't exactly enjoy the tight cooperation with the Volturi. But the situation was only temporary, and it eased the communication between our groups considerably.

Our task to find Laurent seemed to be easier - after all, he didn't possess the gift to sense threats like Victoria did. We hoped that by following Laurent's tracks we'd find Victoria, and by finding Victoria we'd find Bella.

We had started our tracking from Alaska where Laurent was last to be seen. His tracks had nearly disappeared by the time we got there, but Irina's presence was plenty of help in getting started. It was easier for her to find his scent because she knew it so well. But it was obvious Laurent's betrayal still upset her, and I knew she still kept hoping that there had been a misunderstanding in the situation.

We had lost the trace a few times while traveling across Yukon and Northwest Territories, and Alice's visions had turned out to be irreplaceable once again. She had been able to monitor Laurent's movements through her visions, preventing him from dropping us behind completely. He often changed his course, and we couldn't know if it was indecisiveness, or an attempt to lose us.

I tried to have faith in Alice's vision, and trust that Laurent and Victoria would eventually meet or cross paths somehow. But Victoria's instinct for evasion still concerned me, and it was nearly impossible to find a way to get around that problem. It proved to be extremely difficult to pin her down, and I worried that by the time we found out where she was, she'd managed to escape. And she would take Bella with her.

The setting sun received one more resentful gaze from me as I leaned my elbows to my knees, lowering my gaze to the grey floor of the balcony. The hotel we had decided to stay until the sunset was pleasantly calm and quiet, but the secluded atmosphere of the building brought little relief to me.

Quiet footsteps neared from the room behind me. The door of the balcony opened as Jasper stepped outside, lowering himself on the bench next to me. His action to seek my company managed to surprise me somewhat - during the last weeks my sullen mood had forced him to avoid me most of the times. I knew better than to take it as an offense. He was keeping his distance simply because it was nearly unbearable for him to be in my presence.

I could hardly tolerate my own presence. My incompetence to find Bella and ensure her safety caused a great amount of frustration in me.

I licked my lips as I studied the grey floor of the balcony. "Anything new?" I asked, preparing myself for the disappointment, but daring to hope for a different answer than several times before.

"Nothing substantial," Jasper answered. "Alice hasn't seen anything in a while."

"Bella?"

Jasper gazed at the setting sun, shaking his head. "Nothing," he answered.

My emotions were torn between relief and frustration. Relief, because the lack of Alice's visions concerning Bella meant that nothing crucial had happened - that she was still alive. The frustration sprung from the fact that we still had no certain direction to follow, and no way to ensure Bella's safety. Alice had seen her in her visions a few times as the days had passed, but we only knew that she was being held in a dark room, kept in thirst. I had a feeling that there was something Alice wasn't telling me - something she left out on purpose. There was a strange look in her eyes in between times as she searched the future, and then she might suddenly flinch, and then refusing to tell what she had seen.

I brushed a hand over my eyes, feeling the venom stinging behind my closed eyelids.

"We'll find her," Jasper assured quietly, like dozens of times before. His repetitive words brought little comfort to me as the despair overtook my mind.

I drew in a shuddering breath, starting to feel oddly disconnected from everything. My voice was lifeless and dull as I spoke, my lips numb from the cold. The air around me was warm, but I was cold.

So very cold.

"It's been nearly three months," I whispered, gazing at the setting sun with unseeing eyes.

"So what?" Jasper's voice was soft but firm. "Are you saying that you're giving up?" he asked pointedly.

"Of course not," I breathed. I blinked against the stinging in my eyes, trying to get a hold of my rushing emotions. It would be no use to Bella if I let myself break down.

"I know you're afraid," Jasper said quietly. "And I know how hopeless the situation seems now. But this can't go on forever - we'll find the solution to all this, in one way or another."

"How do you know?" I asked, my voice slightly smothered. I couldn't understand Jasper's confidence in everything.

"Because our family hasn't gone through all this crap only to lose one person once again," Jasper stated. His voice was stern - I wondered if my uncertainty irritated him. I certainly irritated myself.

"It's easy to fear," he continued, his voice more softer now, as if to apologize. "Fear asks nothing from you; no courage. But it doesn't work that way the other way around. That's why it takes some fear to be courageous."

I drew in another deep breath, nodding as I gazed at the golden sun again. "I know," I whispered. "The situation only frustrates me. The waiting..." I gestured at the evening sky, shaking my head.

"I know you're frustrated," Jasper drawled. He reached out with his hand to touch my shoulder. "We'll continue as soon as the sun is down. The others will be back after that, and we'll continue."

Tanya and Irina along with Rosalie and Emmett had left for a hunting trip early this morning, heading towards the small national park nearby. The sun had kept them there for the whole day, as it had kept us indoors.

"You should have gone hunting with them," Jasper spoke. "You look terrible."

I shook my head. "I'll manage a few more days."

"Carlisle, Bella will benefit nothing from it if you starve yourself. We all need our strength if it comes to a fight."

Ignoring his rebukes, I stood up from the bench and gazed at my watch. The time seemed to stretch - these had been the longest weeks of my existence, and with each passing day the time slowed down some more.

I made my way inside the hotel room, searching for Alice with my gaze. Kate and Carmen sat in one corner of the large room with their heads close, having a quiet conversation with each other.

"Alice is downstairs," Carmen said, answering my unspoken question.

The large lobby of the hotel was pleasantly cool as I made my way down the ten flights of stairs. Using the elevator would have been faster, but I had little wish for the possible human company.

There was a large sitting area at the lobby, and I found Alice from one of the seats in the corner of the wide space. She sat cross-legged on the black cushions with her eyes closed, and one might have thought that she was either sleeping or meditating.

Only a very few people strolled around large lobby. The evening was warm and very beautiful weather-wise, and most of the humans were enjoying the warmth of July. I sat on the chair across from Alice, staying silent in case she was trying to focus. I wondered if she had come in here to seek solitude, or was the length of the day inside the four walls pestering her like it did with me.

"Twenty-three minutes," she said suddenly. I lifted my eyes from the polished floor, quirking my brow at her.

"Until the sun sets," she clarified, opening her eyes. "And I already know where we'll go."

Her words managed to lift my spirits some, and I straightened myself on the seat. "Where?"

"Laurent will be in Winnipeg," Alice answered, closing her eyes and frowning slightly.

"It's not that far away," I stated. Some of the surprise must have been audible in my tone - Alice nodded quickly, but there was something restraining in the movement, as if she was attempting to contain me.

"I know," she said, lowering her voice as two humans passed by. "But we can't catch him - we have to keep our distance."

"Why? What do you mean?"

The aroma or roses and lilacs drifted into my nostrils as Kate and Carmen neared us, Jasper on their tail. They took their seats as well, focusing to listen what Alice had to say.

"I still see Laurent meeting Victoria somewhere," Alice continued, dropping her voice into a whisper. "But only if we keep our distance. Laurent can't know that we are so close to finding him."

"What are we going to do once he meets with Victoria?" Kate asked. "If she can sense the threat we oppose to her, she'll run again. And what if the Volturi find her first and scare her away?"

Alice closed her eyes, frowning.

"I'll call Eleazar," I declared, digging a cell phone from my pocket. "Maybe he can convince them to stay back. If they know that Victoria's capture depends on it - "

Alice shook her head, still keeping her eyes closed. "Their fate isn't tied to the meeting - not yet at least," she stated. "Only ours is. The outcome depends on the decision we will make at some point."

"What decision is that?" Kate asked, sounding slightly frustrated.

"I don't know," Alice shrugged. "I only know that we have to keep our distance. I'm sorry Carlisle," she said, turning to me and opening her eyes. "I know how difficult it is. But you have to trust me."

I sighed, leaning my elbows to my knees. "Of course I trust you. Just keep us informed if we're gettin too close."

The receptionist gave us a look from the counter, probably wondering our strange meeting at the hotel lobby. Kate and Carmen rose from the couch and walked over to large the window, staying far enough from it to prevent the rays of sun hitting their skin while pretending to admire the sunset.

Jasper flicked open a magazine, but I knew he wasn't reading.

"Can you tell where they'll meet?" I asked. "Can you describe the surroundings?"

Alice frowned. "I can - but the place keeps changing. Three days ago I saw them in a forest, but this morning they were in a small town."

Jasper opened his mouth to speak, but Alice shook her head at him.

"I don't know which town and where - there were no features or any landmarks to identify. And I'm sure that the place and time will change again even if I was able to tell where the town is."

"Why does the place change so often?" Kate whispered seven yards away. Her lips were barely moving, and her voice was so low that no humans could hear her.

"There are so many variables," Alice answered. "It could depend on Victoria's decision to meet him, or Laurent's decision to meet her. Although I'm pretty sure that Laurent's decision has a larger impact on everything. Victoria's still avoiding making any decisions, but she's aware of Laurent somehow."

"How do you know?" I asked.

"I can see Laurent in her future," Alice answered, frowning slighty, "but it's as if I'm seeing it through a blurry glass. She's waiting for him, knowing that he will show up eventually. It could be that Laurent is searching for her, and they won't meet until he can find her."

"How long are we going to wait?" I asked. "You said that we have to keep our distance - that we can't get too close to Laurent."

Alice nodded. "I've been thinking," she said. "The Volturi keep tracking Victoria, and if they get close to finding her, she will run away. There's no way to get around that because she can sense when a threat is nearing."

"There's only one winner in that race," Jasper stated. "She could keep this up forever."

Alice sighed. "But she won't."

I leaned forward in my seat but before I could ask anything, Alice shook her head again.

"I'll come to that," she promised before glancing around the room. "Laurent is obviously able to find Victoria because he's no threat to her," she continued. "And we have to take advantage of it - we can use him to lead us to her."

Carmen walked over to the large ornamental plant close to the sitting area. "But I can't understand," she said quietly. "Using Laurent to find Victoria doesn't erase her instinct to run. She can still sense us once we get too close."

"And she's not going to continue with this forever, as you said," Kate pointed out. "We don't know when she decides to..."

She didn't need to finish her sentence. We all knew that Bella's time was running out.

"We keep our distance," Alice said again, throwing an apologizing look at my direction. "And Laurent doesn't physically have to lead us to Victoria. I'm only waiting to see something that allows me to recognize the place where they'll meet."

"But were still back on square one," Jasper pointed out quietly. "Once we know where Victoria is, and as we start to near her, she knows it. It doesn't change anything."

"It does," Alice insisted. Carmen and Kate walked over to the couch again, taking their seats. Kate opened a newspaper on the table.

Alice drew in a deep breath. "Look," she whispered. "I admit that there's still some blanks to fill in, and I know that it's difficult to stand by and wait. But if we do something drastic to alarm Victoria, she starts to rush. And we all now what it means if she feels that she's in a hurry."

I lowered my head in my hands, trying to stay calm. "Have you seen it?" I asked, my voice surprisingly emotionless. "That... she ends Bella's life?" I raised my head to gaze at Alice.

Her silence was enough for an answer. She twisted her hands in her lap, avoiding my eyes. "We still have a chance," she whispered. "We just have to wait. I've gone through dozens of scenarios, and this is the best chance we got. All the other ones end badly, in one way or another."

I let out a breath, leaning against the back of my seat.

_"I'll see you soon then."_

"Should we continue right after the others return?" Carmen asked.

Alice nodded. "Laurent will be in Winnipeg in a few hours. We'll follow him, but we have to keep far enough away from him, and wait until he decides where to go next."

_"I'll be waiting."_

"What of Bella?" I asked, trying to rid myself of the whispers in my mind. "Have you seen anything from her?"

Alice seemed hesitant. Then her eyes stilled as she focused. "She's talking to someone."

"Victoria?" Jasper asked.

"No," Alice shook her head, giving a rueful laugh - it confused me. "Milo... and Evan. Those are the names I keep hearing. She's not as submissive as they would like."

"Well that's a good thing," Jasper stated, giving me a wry smile. "If she has enough spirit to be difficult..." His attempt to comfort me was disrupted when Alice flinched.

"What?" I asked. "What is it?"

Alice shook her head, letting out a breath. "Nothing. She's just too persistent for her own good."

I rose from my seat, running a hand over my face. Staying patient was challenging, and knowing that someone was harming Bella...

This was what it was like to burn in Hell.

I walked over to the window, watching as the last rays of sun disappeared behind the horizon, the seconds turning to minutes, and minutes turning to forever.

It was a slow and agonizing way to burn.

Rosalie and Emmett returned with Tanya and Irina after the sun disappeared. The drive to Winnipeg wasn't nearly long enough to distract me, and we decided to stop several miles before reaching the city. Waiting for the time to pass was excruciating, making me slowly lose my mind.

"Come for a hunt with me," Jasper suggested from the backseat of the car as my fingers drummed against the steering wheel.

"I'm not thirsty," I insisted. The prickling in my throat was easy to ignore, even though it had been nearly three weeks since I had last hunted. That simple repetitive task to keep the demon inside of me sated wasn't usually such a burden to carry out. But now, quenching my thirst felt like a treachery, knowing that Bella was somewhere out there, withering away...

I couldn't even imagine the physical pain she was in right now. Going on for months without feeding was unendurable and painful for any vampire, but having to do it during the newborn year was even worse. I knew it myself all too well.

I heard Jasper getting out of the car, and he walked over to my side, grasping the handle and opening the door. "Come on," he said. "You don't have to hunt if you don't want to. But running is a good way to blow off some steam."

"I don't have any steam to blow off," I sighed, running fingers through my hair. The stress of the last weeks usually caused me to feel me either weary or energetic, and I still hadn't found a way to balance those two. I just wanted the situation to be over - I wanted to have Bella in my arms, safe and sound, and I wanted to smell the scent of her hair and see the gold of her eyes...

I felt Jasper grasping my arm, and the expression on his face was surprisingly stern. I let out another sigh, getting out of the car.

"It's doubtful that anything will happen during the next hours," Alice assured me from inside the car. "Just stay away from the eastern side of the town - go towards the west, and Laurent will have little chances to catch your scent."

Carmen decided to accompany us, and we ran through the night towards the direction where Alice had told us to go, before long coming across a small forest. I used as little time as possible to find a proper prey, the act of hunting feeling like a forced encumbrance.

I stopped to wait for Carmen and Jasper at the edge of the forest after hunting. The summer night was warm and beautiful, but I barely noticed it. The cool blow of wind brushed across the open fields before my eyes, and that's what got my attention. There was a familiar scent traveling with that wind.

Irina's fair hair was like a glimmer of light against the dim scenery as she neared. Her arrival both surprised and worried me - had something happened? Had Alice sent her here to retrieve us?

But the way she walked was very calm, and her movements bore no hurry. I felt myself relaxing as I waited for her to close the distance between us.

"Is everything well?" I asked.

Irina nodded quickly, walking the rest of the way to me. She turned her eyes towards the open fields like I had, her gaze devouring the dark summer night.

"I wanted to take this opportunity to apologize," she said quietly after a moment of silence.

Knowing the direction where she was headed, I shook my head at her words. "There's no need," I assured.

"There is," Irina disagreed. "You're like a brother to me, Carlisle," she said, turning her golden eyes to look into mine. It was that resemblance in our eyes, that color of pure golden that made us related; family. Not by blood, perhaps, but in so many other ways.

"I'm not going to burden you with my self-reproaches," she continued. "I only wanted to say how sorry I am for not seeing Laurent as the man he was. All these weeks I've wanted to believe that maybe he will return and prove himself to be innocent, but with each passing day, his guiltiness is only more definite."

"You cannot be held responsible for his actions," I reassured. "And there's nothing wrong with trying to see the good in someone you care about. You have no reason to apologize; Laurent betrayed you as much as he betrayed the rest of us."

Irina lowered her gaze, a quiet sigh escaping her mouth. "This must be difficult for you," she said, "to be still, when all you want to do is to get moving."

"It does frustrate me somewhat," I admitted. "But I have trust in Alice. If she says that this is the best way to proceed, I believe her."

I tried to hold onto the positivity in my words. They were honest words, after all; I had a complete trust in Alice, but her own uncertainty concerning the situation didn't relieve me from the dread.

"You're not alone in this," Irina reminded me with a kind voice. I attempted to give her a smile, but I couldn't be sure if I succeeded. Smiling was something I had completely forgotten during the long months - I had little reasons for it. My all reasons for a smile had left with one single person.

The night sky above me was empty and bare. Irina had said that I wasn't alone, but why did it feel like I was? That same, constant loneliness stayed with me, even after Jasper and Carmen returned. And even as we ran through the night and returned to the others, that same solitude clung to my skin, and I couldn't shake it away no matter how hard I tried.

It made me feel that I was barely here at all - my body was still present, but my spirit, my _soul_, was no longer here.

I knew where it was, that small piece of myself.

The one I couldn't exist without.

* * *

"We're in Duluth currently," I sighed, running a hand through my hair. "We'll leave as soon as the sun sets."

_"This in only a minor setback," _Eleazar reminded calmly, but failing in his attempt to comfort me. I thanked him in any case, finishing the phone conversation with him. The disappointment I had tried to ignore during the last several minutes washed over me as I lowered the cell phone on the table.

The small motel room was filled with several vampires, but it was very silent, none of them even drawing a breath.

"They lost the trace," I stated out loud, even when I knew that they had all heard the recent word exchange.

Rosalie dropped herself on the small couch, lowering her head in her hands.

"At least we have some direction to follow," Emmett said, but his words sounded more like an agitated prompting than consolation. "We know that Laurent and Victoria are both somewhere in Ontario."

"We can't search through the entire province," Jasper pointed out. "We need something more accurate to focus on."

Alice moaned silently, the sound more frustrated and angry than anguished. She was sitting in the corner of the small room with her knees against her chest.

"I need to focus," she murmured, her voice slightly subdued. "If only I could see..."

"What's the last thing you've seen from Laurent?" Tanya asked, walking over to the small couch and sitting down next to Rosalie.

Alice closed her eyes, pressing her forehead against her knees. "He's in a forest," she answered. "I see glimpses of a large lake - it's nighttime."

I started to pace around the room, unable to sit or stay still. This new turn shouldn't have upset me so much - after all, the Volturi and Eleazar had lost Victoria's scent several times before, and they had always managed to track it down. There was no reason to believe that they couldn't do it now. And at least we could always follow Laurent; we had made sure to keep our distance like Alice had told, but stayed close enough so it'd be easier to follow his tracks once we needed to find him.

"What is Victoria doing right now?" Jasper asked, walking over to Alice and leaning against the wall.

Alice frowned slightly, keeping her eyes closed. Behind all the worry I was able to feel bad for her - I knew it must be burdening for her to be constantly on alert, and keep up with the futures of three different persons. But I knew she did it gladly - she wanted to find Bella as much as I did.

"She's restless," Alice answered. "Like... she's waiting for something."

"Laurent?" Tanya suggested, but Alice shook her head.

"No." Alice frowned, opening her eyes. Her golden gaze was slightly unfocused, and I knew she couldn't see the room before her. "They won't meet - not during the next days, at least."

"Can you tell where she is?" Jasper asked.

Alice nodded. "In the same place as usually," she answered.

Alice had described for us the place where Victoria had been hiding for the past few weeks. Her visions weren't that accurate; she could only tell that the walls were made of stone and the room she was in was very dark. The description was very similiar to the place where Bella was being kept, and we could only assume that it was the same building.

I walked over to the window, parting the blinds to glance outside. The sun was still casting the light upon the small parking lot of the motel, almost as if to tease and mock our limited time. A sigh escaped my mouth as I turned my eyes back towards the room. I was vaguely aware of the eight vampires gazing at me, but I hardly noticed their looks.

There were few things around me I payed attention to anymore. The world around me held no interest to me.

"If only we could understand better her ability to sense the danger," Carmen mused quietly, sliding herself on the floor next to Alice. "It'd be useful to know from how far she can sense it."

"At least it's safe to say that the Volturi are nowhere near her yet," I sighed. "If they were, she would be gone by now."

"She could have hours of advantage," Alice answered. "A few weeks ago, when the Volturi managed to track her accomplices to somewhere in Mexico, I already had received a vision of Bella being transported."

"How are we going to solve that problem?" Rosalie asked. "How are we ever going to find Bella, if Victoria is always one step ahead?"

"There's no way for us to prevent her from escaping," Irina agreed.

Jasper raked fingers through his honey-blonde hair. The expression on his face was determined, his brow creasing slightly.

"I've been thinking about different strategies," he said, walking slowly across the room as he rubbed his chin with his fingers. The look in his eyes was familiar, and for a moment the Jasper I knew was gone, and in his place stood the man with years of military experience.

"Victoria has stayed in the same place for weeks now," he pondered, glancing quickly at the silent vampires in the room. "She only moves when her instincts tell her to move, and she has someone to put in charge of all the decisions. Someone she trusts enough, and someone who we don't know." He stopped his pacing for a moment and gave Alice a quick glance, receiving a frown from her.

"Where does it leave us?" Jasper asked, and the silence after his words revealed that the question wasn't rhetorical.

I cleared my throat quietly, wondering why he wanted us to voice the impossibility of the situation once again. "Even if we can find Victoria by following Laurent, she'll know it before we arrive," I stated. "And the same goes to the Volturi and Eleazar. They can't get close to her, either."

"That's right," Jasper agreed with a nod. "And we don't know how this gift of hers works - we only know that she has an unknown amount of time as her advantage. She could sense us minutes or hours before we arrive."

"Are you going somewhere with this?" Emmett asked, sounding slightly chagrined.

Jasper gave him a pointed look, otherwise ignoring his grumbling. "The only thing we can do is to take her by surprise as well as we can," he said.

"But I think we've already established that we can't take her by surprise," I stated, frowning in confusion.

"Perhaps," Jasper nodded, walking across the room again. "But we have to try - we have to make our move in the situation where her chances to sense us are minimized. When she won't be around to sense us."

"How?" I asked.

Jasper glanced at Alice again.

"Alice has already presented us one window of opportunity," he drawled, stopping his pacing to look at me.

I lowered myself on a chair as his plan began to dawn to me. His golden eyes studied me as I pondered his words, and he gave me a while to process his suggestion.

"You're speaking of the moment when Laurent meets Victoria," I mused, causing Jasper to nod. "You could be right," I admitted, "but we don't know where they'll meet - or how far she'll leave. We can't be even sure if she leaves the place she's holding Bella in."

"You're correct," Jasper agreed. "But I'm hoping that as the time nears, Alice will be able to clarify it for us."

"And how do you know that it's Victoria who goes to see Laurent?" Tanya asked. "Alice said earlier that their encounter depends more on Laurent's decision to meet her, and not the other way around."

"Even so, Victoria is expecting him," Jasper answered. "She's aware that Laurent will show up at some point. I know that this is a long shot," he admitted, giving me an apologizing glance, "but we don't have much choices. And this is better than the other option I have in mind."

"What is the other option?" I asked.

Jasper lowered his gaze. "We wait," he sighed. "Until the situation is... extreme enough. For Victoria, and for Bella."

"What do you mean?" Rosalie asked.

I repeated his words in my mind, momentarily confused about what he meant.

_Extreme enough._

Jasper drew in a deep breath, crossing his arms across his chest as he studied the floor with his gaze. "I mean that we wait until the last minute. We all know that she's not intending to keep Bella alive forever," he stated. His tone was factual, but there was an apology in his eyes again as he lifted his gaze to look at me.

"Why would it help to wait until she prepares to kill Bella?" Carmen asked, sounding horrified.

"Just hear me out," Jasper requested. "It's only a suggestion. And a very bad one, but..." he shrugged, starting to hesitate.

"Spit it out," Emmett rumbled, walking over to the couch and dropping himself next to Tanya and Rosalie.

Jasper ran a hand through his hair, sighing almost inaudibly. "We wait until Victoria's location is revealed to us by Laurent. And then we wait some more until she decides to carry out her plan of revenge. Alice will see when she decides, and we make our move to stop it, hopefully just in time."

"I still don't get it," Kate shook her head. "What makes you think that preparing to kill Bella somehow prevents her from running away?"

"Of course I can't be sure about it," Jasper stated. "But we really can't be sure of anything right now. I'm only thinking that Victoria might take the risk of getting caught when her attention is on Bella. Maybe she entertains the idea of escaping after she's managed to finish the job."

"But how do we know that she's the one killing Bella?" Emmett asked. "She didn't kill Edward and Esme herself. Maybe her pawns are supposed to do the work again. And then Alice won't be able to see their decision."

Alice leaned against the wall, closing her eyes in frustration. Jasper shook his head after thinking about Emmett's comment, starting to pace around the room again.

"Of course I can't be positive about it," he stated, "but I have a feeling that this is something she wants to do herself."

I started to feel oddly detached from the conversation; sitting here and talking about Bella's death so casually made my insides boil.

"We can't risk it," I said quietly. "We can't play with Bella's life like that. If Victoria makes a sudden decision to end her life, we can stop her only if we're close enough. And we don't even know where she is yet." I rose from the chair, walking over to the window and parting the blinds again. "It's too risky to wait until the last moment."

Luckily Jasper respeced my will - I knew that his mind was brilliant, and he possessed a rare kind of cleverness because of his military background. But his plan was too unsafe. There were too many possibilities for the things to go wrong.

"Alright," he consented. "Then we'll stick to the original plan. We keep following Laurent until he meets with Victoria. Hopefully we know more by then."

I turned away from the window, once again counting the minutes until the sun would set.

"Your first suggestion might work," I pondered as I paced around the room. "But we have to know if Victoria will leave the place Bella's been kept in."

Jasper nodded as an agreement, giving Alice a questioning glance.

But she couldn't see Jasper's gaze; her eyes were closed, a small frown furrowing her brow.

"Alice?" Rosalie asked.

Alice's black eyebrows knitted together again, and she opened her eyes slowly. "Water," she whispered.

Jasper crouched down next to her, instantly alert. "You see water?" he asked.

"We have to swim," Alice continued, closing her eyes again. "It's dark... and windy."

"Where are we swimming to?" Jasper asked. "When will this happen?"

Alice shook her head, keeping her eyes closed and lowering her chin to her chest in concentration.

Carmen walked over to the small drawer by the door, her fingers picking up a pen and a writing pad. She rushed back to Alice, lowering the objects on the floor in front of her feet.

"Can you draw it?" she asked.

Alice's fingers fumbled with the pen, and she started to draw hasty lines. There was hesitation in her movements as she sketched the scene in her visions on the lined paper.

After a moment she opened her eyes, frowning at her creation.

"It's still too vague," she murmured. "I can't see it clearly - this is all I could distinguish."

Jasper took the writing pad from her fingers, studying the picture for a moment before passing it to me.

My eyes sweeped the stormy waters outlined on the paper. On the center of the draft, there was a distant island resting on the boisterous waves.

"Is this a lake or a sea?" I asked, lifting my eyes from the paper to see Alice.

She shook her head. "I'm not sure. I only saw flashes of it - the image came all of a sudden when I was searching for Victoria."

The others started to gather around me to see the sketch. Rosalie's fingers pried it away from my hands, and she studied the drawing carefully together with the three blonde sisters.

"Maybe this is the place where they keep Bella," Tanya suggested, voicing the thought that had been in my mind after seeing the picture. She lifted her golden gaze from the writing pad to look at Alice. Her tone was hopeful, and the same hope started to bubble within my heart - Alice had never seen such an accurate location before.

"I can't be sure," Alice answered. "It's possible."

"You said that you were looking for Victoria?" I asked. "And instead of seeing her you received a vision of us swimming towards this island?" I ensured.

Alice stood up from the floor, biting her lip.

"Victoria's fate is tied to ours," Jasper stated grimly. "That's why Alice saw us." He turned to Alice, brushing her cheek with the tips of his fingers. "Did you see anything else? Can you tell when this will happen?"

Alice shook her head, looking unsure. "It's too soon to tell," she murmured. "I can't be sure of anything - a decision has to be made first."

"At least we have something to focus on now," I mused as I paced around the room.

"But we don't know if this is a lake or an ocean," Rosalie spoke, still studying the drawing. "And there are hundreds of lakes in Ontario, and dozens of islands in Hudson Bay. We can't search them all."

I had to agree with her silently - there wasn't enough time to search so many locations. Frustration seared my heart again as I paced around the room, trying to find connections between Alice's visions.

"You said earlier that you saw Laurent near a lake," I remembered suddenly, turning to Alice. "Maybe it's the same one you saw us swimming across?"

"It's possible," Alice admitted, sounding frustrated. "But I can't be positive about it. All this indecision... Either Laurent or Victoria has to make a choice - until then, I can't see anything clearly enough until someone decides something."

She closed her eyes again, and the rest of us gave her enough silence to focus. Whatever we decided to do next depended on Alice's visions - and her visions depended on our decisions. The last three months had been like an endless treadmill of waiting and worrying, despairing and hoping. And everytime when a flicker of hope had ignited within me, the twists and turns of the situations had made that hope die away, time after time.

I wondered when I would reach my limit. How many disappointments would it take for me to give up, how many waning hopes would it take for me to surrender?

_"Would you stay? Here, with me?"_

Against my closed eyelids I saw the girl with porcelain skin and golden eyes. And I knew - the day I relinquished my hope to find Bella was the day she stopped drawing breath. And it was the day I stopped existing as well.

_"I'll stay."_

My fingers parted the blinds of the window as my eyes studied the golden sun once again. The luminous radiance of it had been a curse to me during the last days and weeks, because those rays of light managed to diminsh the little time we had to find Bella. And that time was dwindling away, like the grains of sand trickled through the hourglass.

Seeing the sun, and being able to admire its beauty was a rare occasion for me; a pleasant occasion. But now, observing it from the shadows was like a vicious bane, an inevitable impediment to cross before I could carry on - before I could breathe again. The girl with golden eyes and mahogany hair had taken away my ability to breath; everything around me shouted her absence. The air around me was like a poison, and those golden rays of sun I usually so enjoyed had become a burden.

Everything was so different when she wasn't here.

But I kept breathing the poisonous air, and I kept gazing at the burning sun that had lost all its charm. And I kept holding onto the hope that was waning and disappearing. Fading and withering, together with my existence.

Because I couldn't exist without her.


	48. Chapter 48: Sorrow

**Stephenie Meyer owns Twilight :)**

**AN: **Prepare yourself for a very angsty BPOV. And I also feel the responsibility to give you a **warning**; the chapter turned out to be more darker than I originally planned, and now the M-rating becomes quite justified. It's not too graphic and once again leaves the reader some space for interpretation, but it does contain some disturbing themes and violence that might upset someone, and there might be even a cuss word hidden somewhere there. Ooo. I'm actually a bit freaked out to put something this heavy and dark in the story, and it takes some balancing from now on as the story continues.

And oh, to depress you even more, and of course to ensure that you have your weekly dose of angst, there will be another BPOV coming up next week.

* * *

**_She knew when it all started _  
_Some days would feel this blue _  
_Real love is worth the price you pay _  
_And she knows this one is true _  
_So she pulls herself together _  
_As she whispers out his name _  
_Not knowing many miles away _  
_He's whispering the same._ **

- D. L. Whited -

* * *

**Sorrow  
**

BPOV

There was little difference between pain and numbness.

Those two somehow belonged together, as twisted and impossible as it was. They were two different sensations, and yet they were both the same. They were two different states of mind that just happened to depend on each other; they were my two different realities, and I existed in them both. They were two completely separate things that somehow tangled together as I kept existing. Both of them abided, and they kept blending and tangling until I couldn't separate even myself from them anymore. Because there was only the pain, and then there was only the numbness, and I wondered what would happen if I suddenly couldn't feel either; did the world exist without them? Did I exist without them?

Probably not.

It was easy to welcome the numbness, but it was even easier to welcome the pain; it took me away from this moment. It offered me the way to escape the present, because it was more simple to focus on the pain than it was to focus on the cause of it. It was a cowardly thing to do that, and it was weak and it was a lie, but it was also the only thing that helped me to stay afloat.

But as hard hands pressed me against the floor for the thousandth time, the notion of drowning started to sound tempting.

Cool breath brushed my neck.

"Stay still and I won't harm you," the voice said. He was lying - I knew it from experience.

Because it didn't matter if I stayed still. And it didn't matter if I fought back. Nothing mattered, because I couldn't stop him.

Something sharp pierced the skin of my back. The venom stung and burned, but I stayed still. I stayed quiet. And I dared to hope; maybe he would leave it to that for today. Maybe he wouldn't go any further.

It was a foolish wish.

Rough fingers fisted in my hair, pulling and yanking. I closed my eyes, the childish part of me hoping that it would make it all disappear. That the rough touches against my skin would stop violating and tearing. But closing my eyes didn't help me, because not even the darkness of my eyelids allowed me to escape. Because my own mind was suddenly an enemy to me. As if feeling his presence on my skin wasn't already enough; I had to feel him inside my mind, too. His presence vibrated against the darkness as I closed my eyes, and I tore them open them again, not able to decide which was worse; to see or not to see. To feel or not to feel.

Because the shield protecting my mind was fragile and useless when it came to these moments. Even if I had the ability to control it to some extent, it wouldn't help me now. Because he didn't need any supernatural powers to inflict pain on me, or no need to create an illusion of pain in order to hurt me - there was nothing illusionary about his ways of violation. Only thoroughness and malice.

Fingers pressed against my skin again, curling around my shoulders and holding me still. Words were whispered in my ear, but I chose not to hear them. Because they were the same words as the last time, and they would be the same when another day dawned in this nightmare. The content of the words may change, but the meaning didn't.

I closed my eyes again, trying to ignore the vibration against my mind that kept reminding me that I wasn't alone. And I tried to ignore the cool touches on my skin that kept abasing and dehumanizing me. But I didn't have to focus on ignoring for long.

The numbness came with the pain, and I welcomed them both.

* * *

One hundred and twenty seconds.

Giving myself the permission, I drew in a cautious breath. The musty air filled my nostrils, causing the thousands of needles prickle in my throat.

A slow exhale. Very slow.

I opened my eyes, not bothering to sweep my gaze around the dark room any longer. The walls made of solid rock were the same as yesterday. The same as a week before. The same as one hundred and twenty seconds ago. The same as an eternity ago.

Opening my fist, I made sure that I still had the small silvery object in my hand. I knew I had it, because I felt the outlines of the tiny sun against my palm. But I had to check anyway. I had to be _sure_ that I still had it.

After ensuring that I hadn't lost it, I closed my eyes again and started to count silently in my mind. Another eternity began again; it lasted one hundred and twenty seconds. After that, I'd have the permission to breathe in again. And after breathing in, I'd breathe out. And then I would check that I still had the small silvery sun. That it hadn't disappeared during my counting. That _I _hadn't disappeared.

That I was still here.

I was just past counting to seventy-two, when a voice disrupted my little routine. My little piece of sanity within my insanity.

"Is there something wrong with your drink?"

The low voice was mocking and mean in ten different kind of ways. At first I considered ignoring it, feeling slightly chagrined that he had disturbed me - I hadn't reached one hundred and twenty yet. I didn't have the permission to breathe. If I breathed in now, it would only cause unnecessary pain. Unnecessary flames consuming my throat. Flames and fire I could prevent by holding my breath a little longer.

But I opened my eyes anyway, my darkened vision finding the tall man standing by the door. It was a frail door, made of wood only. But I never had any chances to get through that door, because they didn't leave me unguarded any longer. Of course I had tried a few times at the beginning, but I had failed as many times as I had tried. I figured it was part of the psychological torture, to be constantly able see my way of escape, but never having the opportunity to succeed.

That small method of torment was surprisingly discouraging.

My eyes left the man standing in the shadows, and I searched the small cup with my gaze as I remembered his earlier comment. They had lowered that cup of water in front of my nose to tease me, knowing how much I wanted to drink, and knowing how futile it was to consume that moist liquid. Because it wasn't the water I thirsted for. It wouldn't quench the flames, and it wouldn't make my existence any easier.

_"Is there something wrong with your drink?"_ he had said.

How utterly amusing.

They knew how much the thirst burned me. Or at least they could imagine it, but I seriously doubted that they had any idea how agonizing the scorch really was. Every breath was like a thousand whiplashes inside my windpipe. Every second was like a dozen more gashes on the surface of my throat. And after every second, after every inhale I wanted to stop breathing, to stop existing.

I tried to swallow against the burning, but there was nothing to swallow. I wondered if there was any venom left in me - my mouth was dry like a sandpaper.

"You think you're very funny, do you?" I rasped out.

The man by the door snorted softly. Apparently my feebleness amused him more than my words angered him. Then he smiled wryly, the malicious glimmer in his eyes managing to worry me a bit.

It was silent again, and silence was good. More peaceful than the pain following any words that I might say.

I kept counting. I kept breathing. I kept opening my eyes and my fist, and I kept checking that I still had the remaining piece of myself left. I kept closing my eyes after that short series of small actions.

And then I counted some more.

Later when I thought about it, it would've been a bliss to continue like that. That small routine almost made me content, the simpleness of it managing to bring me some sort of solace and stability.

But I shoud have known that there were no such things as solace and stability in this place; no simpleness or contentment. Those things were forbidden from me in here, because all I was allowed to feel was misery and pain.

Victoria made sure of that.

The heavy door made of wood opened, just as I reached one hundred; twenty more seconds to go until I could breathe again. Twenty more seconds until I could open my eyes. Twenty more seconds until I could burn a little more.

A sudden soft thump against the floor made me break the routine.

Maybe it was the misfortune that made me simultaneously inhale and open my eyes. Or maybe it was the surprise caused by that unfamiliar sound of something soft colliding with the floor that made me do that. Maybe it was fate, or maybe I was simply that cursed and unlucky.

Because I shouldn't have done either. I should have kept my eyes closed, and I should have held my breath. I would have, if I had known what awaited me.

There was this disoriented moment of chaos during that one second as I opened my eyes and inhaled, wondering the reason behind that soft thud.

And then I lost myself completely, and it was nearly impossible to find myself again beneath the layers of feral instincts that consumed my mind. My eyes landed on the drenched heap lying on the stone floor, and before I had even realised it, I had pushed myself up from my usual position in the farthest corner of the room. The scent hit me like a wrecking ball, and I literally felt the little remaining sanity leaving me as the thirst took over. Every rational thought and reason left my mind and body, and I couldn't grasp them anymore - I couldn't find myself. I was too far gone.

There was nothing beyond the thirst. Nothing beyond the dry burning inside my throat, nothing beyond the prone body lying on the floor... I could smell and taste the warmth exuding from it, even though the heart that should have been beating was completely silent. And I knew that the blood must still be warm, even though the body was drenched with cold water.

I felt myself crouching down, without consciously deciding to do that. The floor was cool under my palms, and the body two yards away from me was filled with warm blood.

I burned.

Someone laughed, but I didn't hear. I hissed, but I barely comprehended that, either.

Roses and sandalwood, cedar and cinnamon and mimosa...

The same laughter again, followed with words. "I knew there was a way to get some life into you."

Somehow those words corroded into my consciousness, and drilled into my feral mind. I nearly ignored that malignant voice, but something compelled me to tear away my gaze from the warm body. My numb eyes, now blanketed with darkness and thirst, found the owner of that voice.

For a moment I feared that I was looking into a mirror.

The eyes of pure red stared back at me. There was expectation in those crimson depths; anticipation. Dark triumph of an achievement - she enjoyed to have me in a state like this.

Had she succeeded? Was her exultation justified?

Had she? Was it?

Panic washed over me, and I glanced back at the warm, wet body. I was closer now, only two yards away. So close... Dark curls framed the young man's face, and I idly realised that he was very beautiful. He wasn't even an adult yet, his age more closer to a teenager than a grown-up.

Only a boy. Nearly a child.

Dead.

I lifted a palm over my nose. The tiny silver sun slipped from my hand as I did that, and the delicate bracelet collided with the floor with a gentle ting. The sound was quiet, but it echoed loudly in my sensitized ears.

My action to prevent myself from breathing only amused Victoria.

"Resilient, are you?" she whispered. "We'll see about that."

It was a threat, it was a guarantee, and it was a promise.

She'd have no difficulties to fulfill all those things.

I was left alone, then. I could barely focus on Victoria's receding steps as she left the room. The other vampire - I didn't know his name, and I didn't care - also left, closing the door behind him with a loud bang. But I knew he wouldn't be far. He'd leave me no chances to escape my little prison.

I turned my gaze back at the body lying on the floor, feeling the tips of my own fingers pressing against my cheek painfully.

The next hours nearly deprived me from my remaining pieces of mental health. After grabbing the bracelet from the floor, I crawled back into my corner, trying not to breathe. It got uncomfortable after a while as the seconds stretched and dragged on, and eventually I had to pull the neck of my tattered sweater in front of my nose. I ventured to draw in a cautious breath through the fabric, trying to ingore the burning in my throat.

But the thin fabric was no use, as were my attempts to ignore the human. The sweet scent floated in the air, coiling and burning in my nostrils, and the scorching thirst reached capacities that I hadn't been able to imagine.

I didn't breathe after that.

It got even more difficult to measure the pass of time. The seconds and hours barely existed any longer - I barely existed. And I kept hoping, that the next time I opened my eyes I wouldn't see the dark room around me. That I wouldn't see anything. That the time around me would disappear. That I wouldn't need to be in here any longer.

Those wishes were futile.

The body on the floor cooled down eventually - I could feel the change in the air around me. No warm waves hit my sensitive skin any longer.

I ventured to take a glance.

The brown curls had almost dried completely, as were the boy's clothes. I wondered what his name was, and I wondered if his eyes were the same shade of brown as his hair. But I couldn't see it - the eyelids with bluish tint were closed.

Someone would miss this young man. The years would go by him, and he wouldn't get to see the pass of time. Because his time had run out; his life had been ended. That precious life had left his body, leaving only a shallow and cold shell behind.

He was here because of me. And he was gone because of me.

The feeling of grief was peculiar - I had nearly forgotten what it was like.

I lied down on the cool floor, keeping one hand over my mouth and nose to prevent myself from drawing breath. My other hand went to my chest, the tiny sun made of metal pressing against my skin. The small silver item was heavier now, colder; all the warmth had left it, like it had left me.

_"Just something to brighten your day."_

I closed my eyes, fighting against the tears that wouldn't fall.

Vampires couldn't cry.

_"Now you have a sun with you, wherever you might go."_

My fingers wrapped around the bracelet, and I had to will myself not to crush the fragile metal. The venom stung behind my eyelids as the grief, so raw and sharp, punctured my heart.

I knew it then - I would never see him again. This was the end of my short journey with him, the end of a journey that hadn't even properly begun yet. He couldn't find me - if there had been any chances for him to do that, he would have succeeded already.

No one could help me.

I was going to die here.

_"I love you."_

There was a silent pledge in his whisper; I had heard it even back then. But now those three words were something else to me, something I needed more than a living creature needs air. Something to give me peace, and something to give me sorrow.

Those three words made me mourn.

Because they were a pledge, those three whispered words, but now they were also a farewell.

The air burned in my lungs. "I love you," I answered to the darkness.

But no one heard me. He would never hear me, because I was gone. Because those three words had never left my lips in his presence. Because I hadn't let them leave my lips in his presence.

Because it was too late now.

Because I hadn't told him - it was too late now, and I hadn't _fucking_ told him...

There was a flicker of gold against the darkness; a fragment of my memory. There was nothing else left for me. Only the phantasmal shards of golden eyes and golden hair, and the dim feeling of warm lips ghosting above my skin. Because I remembered his touches - not even the surface my skin had forgotten his tenderness.

I didn't whisper my farewells into the darkness anymore. But I kept grieving and regretting, and only the cold air around me knew my sorrow. And my forever night abided as I mourned for the things I had lost, and mourned for the things I had left unsaid. And I mourned for the brown-haired boy I didn't know, and I mourned for the love I hadn't shown.

He would never know.

* * *

The red-haired devil returned after a few hours.

Although, I couldn't know for sure that several hours had passed. Maybe it had only been minutes since she had been here, or maybe it had been days. But I wanted to believe it was hours - defining the the passage of time somehow made the survival easier, and my existence a little more tolerable. Knowing that the time wasn't standing still brought me the false feel of relief.

I would take any relief by now. I would take it and be happy.

"What a waste," Victoria murmured, the drops of water trickling down her face, leaving glimmering trails on her marble skin. Her hair was wet, and so were her clothes. And so were the clothes of the warm body she carried in her arms and dropped on the floor.

One of Victoria's little helpers had taken the brown-haired boy out of the room. I had been able to feel a short moment of relief, but then Victoria had appeared and taken away that brief alleviation from me.

I didn't know if the new warm body on the floor belonged to a woman or a man - I didn't look. I pretended not to notice how the waves of aromas hit my skin, squirming their way into my nostrils and burning me slowly away. Breathing was forbidden, because now I knew it would only take a small whiff of that aroma to drive me out of my mind.

And I would drink. There was no doubt of it now - the thirst was so bad, that I wouldn't care if the blood I quenched my hunger with was human's or not_. _I wouldn't care, and I was ashamed of it.

I was _so _thirsty.

"What a waste," Victoria whispered again, sounding innocently pitying. Her steps took her across the room slowly, sidestepping the warm body on the floor before her form crouched in front of me.

I didn't want her to come that close. What I did want was to to sink my teeth into her skin and claw her until she was a mere pile of ashes - but I couldn't. Preventing my fingers from curling, I tightened the hold of my mouth and nose, being careful not to draw a breath as the anger boiled inside of me.

The feeling of anger was new; it was nearly bewildering.

"I could make a deal with you, though," Victoria continued, the look in her red eyes imitating mercy and compassion. It didn't relieve my urge to claw her.

"If you drink now," she stated slowly, feigning consideration, "this human will be the last one I kill." And indulgent smile curved her red lips. "But if you don't..." she whispered, the faked kindness now nearly disappearing from her tone. "I will bring a new human to you every day. Every hour, if necessary."

A hiss nearly escaped my mouth.

"It's in your hands," Victoria smiled. "Think of all those lives you could spare," she continued with a dreamy voice.

I started to tremble. The fury covered my vision with the color of fiery red, and it took all my willpower not to pounce at her - she was so close, only a few inches away... The thirst had made me weak, but who knew? Maybe I still had some strength to do some damage. And it wouldn't matter if I died while trying.

I'd die anyway. It was only a matter of time. So why would I prolong my suffering?

"Go to hell," I hissed between my teeth, the tips of my fingers pressing against my jaw.

My reaction satisfied her, and I kicked myself inwardly for giving that satisfaction to her. She was smiling again.

"We both know how this is going to end," she whispered.

How much air there was in my lungs? How many words could I let out without drawing in a breath?

"Kill me then." The quiet words coming out of my mouth weren't a plea - I'd never beg her. The short sentence was more like an acknowledgement. An acceptance.

Because we both knew how this was going to end.

Victoria chuckled quietly. She reached out with her hand, brushing her forefinger against my cheek almost tenderly. I closed my eyes at her touch, trying to ignore the hate inside my heart and the hollow craving to kill her.

"Don't worry," she murmured languidly, her assurance slighty amused. "I will - but not yet. You'll just have to endure a while longer... It surprises me how ungrateful you are. After all, your beloved mind reader and his _mother_ didn't have this same luxury of time before their death."

The silence after her words was sharp and defined. My mind was suddenly very blank, but the lack of the streaming thoughts lasted only for a moment.

I opened my eyes to see Victoria's smile. The redness of her eyes and hair had nothing to do with the ardor that covered my vision.

"You," I spat, forgetting the efforts to hold my breath. The burning thirst didn't disappear, but something else surpassed the dry scorch. The stony room around me was suddenly shaking.

It took me a moment to realize that it was me who was shaking, and not the walls and the floor.

Apparently there was something amusing in my fury.

"I thought you would have realized it by now," she laughed. "And Laurent claimed that you're clever..." She shook her head mockingly, making the moist red curls twirl in the air.

I couldn't focus enough to care about her mention of Laurent, nor what it could mean. I could only comprehend that she was responsible for Edward's and Esme's deaths, and that I hadn't realized it before. How could I've been so dense?

"It's no use for you to wallow," Victoria stated casually, eyeing my bubbling rage almost curiously, like I was some sort of an animal in a cage to be examined. "I'm only seeking justice, you see. An eye for an eye, a life for a life, a mate for a mate," she whispered. "Although," she sighed as she stood up, straightening her form, "from what I've heard, it seems that Edward wasn't your mate after all. But it doesn't matter."

I stiffened.

Victoria smiled down at me. "I won't leave things unfinished," she promised. "I will be very thorough - the rest of your dear Cullens will all have their own turn. But don't worry," she gave a laugh. "I'll save your beloved Carlisle for last."

That's all it took. I felt the remaining control leaving my mind as I leapt from the floor. My hard body collided with another hard one, but the marble skin against my teeth was surprisingly soft as I sunk my teeth into it.

Victoria hadn't expected my attack. She had underestimated the combination of fury and bloodlust, and as my ragged breaths echoed inside the stone room, I wasn't even sure which emotion was urging me on anymore. The aroma of bergamot and chamomile filled my nostrils, but I forced myself to ignore the sweet scent.

Rough hands grabbed my arms and shoulders, forcing me away from Victoria. Our collision had made her fall on the floor, and I was only vaguely aware of the appalled expression on her face. My attention was divided between the tight hold around my shoulders and the sweet aroma in my nostrils, as I fought against the steel grip. My own snarls and hisses echoed from the walls, the sounds of rage combining with the urgent calls.

"Milo!" someone shouted as I felt my teeth sinking into the marble skin again. A loud curse mingled with the scream of pain, and then I was suddenly airborne.

The wall made of stone fractured slightly as I smashed into it. I fell on the floor with the rubble, the fine dust that started to fill the room making my lungs burn. Before I could comprehend what had happened, strong hands held me down and pushed me against the hard floor. I tried to stifle the yelp of pain caused by the rough hands, but a pathetic sound managed to escape my lips. The dust scrunched between my teeth.

"Stay still and be quiet," a steely voice ordered. The words were accompanied with a violent shove against the floor. A loud sound echoed from the walls - I couldn't comprehend where it was coming from. The sound was inhuman, something between whimpering and moaning.

It took a moment to realize that it was me.

"Quiet!" another cool voice ordered again.

I willed myself to fall silent, pressing a palm against my mouth and nose.

That's when I realised that something was amiss - the small silvery sun was no longer in my grasp. I had lost it.

I didn't have it - I had _lost_ it.

A wave of panic washed over me. My eyes searched the dirty floor with a desperate fervor, and I wanted to lift my head to see better. But another violent shove, along with the fingers fisting in my hair made me stay still. It hurt.

"Victoria?" a low voice asked.

My eyes searched the woman with red hair. She had managed to pick herself up from the floor, and she stood in the middle of the room like nothing had passed. The expression on her face was as smug and malicious as before. The only thing revealing the short chaos of the past few seconds was her ripped shirt, and the four large scars on her neck and shoulders.

"Leave her be," she ordered quietly. "I'm sure she'll learn some... _humbleness_ after spending a few more hours with her new friend."

With that, she walked over to the body lying on the floor. My flight across the room had ended me up closer to it than before - it was only three yards away from me. Too close.

"Let her go," Victoria said to the two men pressing me against the floor.

The weight and the tight grips disappeared, but I couldn't bring myself to move. The earlier fury had given me strength, but now I felt weary, like I had been running a hundred miles.

So I stayed there, lying in the pile of rubble as my eyes followed Victoria's movements. One part of my mind was worrying over the silvery sun, and the knowledge that I had lost it hurt more than anything had so far.

The woman with flaming hair crouched down next to the body that I now recognized as another young man. But then my attention was claimed again as Victoria's long fingers pulled out a small penknife from her pocket.

Time slowed down as I saw her pressing the sharp blade against the dead man's wrist. The bright red liquid started to ooze from the wound, and my body answered to that visual stimulus with flaring flames. The thirst burned me.

I slammed my eyes shut, clasping a hand over my mouth even harder. A waft of air hit my skin as someone moved closer to me, and Victoria's dark whisper in my ear made me shiver.

"Enjoy," she breathed. I heard her getting up again, and then her soft steps took her away from the room. Two pairs of feet followed her.

The door closed with a loud bang.

Only the darkness kept me company after that. But I welcomed the darkness. It was more simple to ignore the dry burn in my throat after depriving myself from the sense of smell and sight, because there were no physical irritants to remind me of my nature and of the things I needed in order to survive.

More simple to ignore perhaps, but not much easier.

I pressed both of my palms against my mouth and nose, hoping and eventually praying for deafness. I didn't know if I actually heard the blood trickling down on the floor, or was it just a figment of my imagination, created by the memory of Victoria pressing the sharp knife against the creamy soft skin...

The thought made me flinch, and I tried to focus on something else - I needed to focus on something else. I had to rid myself of the mental image of the wet blood and the sweet scent... If I couldn't, I'd give up sooner or later.

Sooner or later. The thought made me drown.

Because I realized, that no matter how hard I tried, eventually I would yield. It was only a matter of time, because the thirst was already nearly unbearable.

How long before I would succumb? How long before I couldn't take it anymore, how long before the need to quench my thirst overpowered my desperate wish to stay in control? How long before Victoria would get what she wanted?

How long before she'd let me die?

I began to pray that it wouldn't be that long. Death was nothing compared to this - it would be an enjoyment to close my eyes for the last time. I craved death more than I craved the blood.

There was something I craved even more. But I didn't let myself think about it. I didn't let myself think about the warm, gentle hands, and I didn't give myself the permission to remember the soft, golden locks beneath the tips of my fingers. I didn't let myself hear the gentle whispered words of affection. Remembering those things wouldn't help me - it wouldn't bring him here.

I was alone.

The palms I pressed against my face were both empty. That emptiness almost drove me out of my mind, and after a few more moments it made me surrender to myself.

I cracked open one eyelid. Seeing the whole space from the floor level was difficult, and I raised my head slightly from the rubble to see better. But the glimmer of the small silver sun was lost to me, and as my fevered gaze sweeped the floor to search, my eyes went to the direction I so tried to avoid. But I couldn't help myself - my body worked instinctively as my gaze locked onto the small puddle of red blood next to the still body.

I could almost taste it already. And the memory of the sweet scent shaded my mind again, and before I even realized I had lifted my upper body from the floor.

I wanted it - I wanted to drink _so bad_. My control was slipping away, slowly but surely. And there was nothing I could do about it.

The worst thing was that eventually my mind started making up excuses - reasons - for me to give in and drink. And each reason was more convincing and rational than the other.

It wouldn't matter if I drank now, I assured myself. I'd die anyway. I wouldn't have to bear the disappointment in myself for long. I wouldn't have to bear _his_ disappointment.

Or, if I drank now... maybe I would be strong enough to escape. Maybe I would be strong enough to destroy Victoria. That way she couldn't hurt anyone anymore - she had said that her revenge wasn't nearly over after my death... If I drank, Alice would be safe, Rosalie would be safe. Emmett and Jasper would be safe...

The venom stung my eyes as I lied back down, closing my eyes.

_Carlisle_ would be safe...

The floor was cold and hard under me as I slowly drowned in the tears I couldn't shed. The reasons and excuses kept whispering inside my mind, and with every whisper my resistance was wavering. And as I drowned, I hated - I hated this place, and I hated my own weak thoughts and my inability to do anything...

And I hated the emptiness of my own palm against my skin. I hated the lack of the tiny object made of metal, and I hated the significance it had to me.

I hated the loss of that little safety it had brought to me.

* * *

**AN: **Some of you already saw this coming; the human torture. And I have a confession to make. I nearly made Bella drink. It would have been... _interesting_ to see how it affected her self-image, and her need to be perfect and "accepted".

Sorry about the angsty chapter, hopefully things will get better soon. The next chapter is already written, and the one after that is also underway. My life has been crazy during the last weeks, and it seems that things aren't slowing down in a while. I set myself this small goal to write every day at least a few words (I go crazy if I feel that things aren't progressing at all), and I want you guys to know that the story isn't forgotten and abandoned even though the time between the posts may start varying and stretching during the summer. I'll stay here, and I keep writing and posting until my Finnish-English dictionary is completely worn-out :)

Let me know what you think! :)


	49. Chapter 49: Lifeline

_**Stephenie Meyer owns Twilight :)**_

* * *

**_Just close your eyes _**

**_The sun is going down _**

**_You'll be alright _**

**_No one can hurt you now _**

**_Come morning light _**

**_You and I'll be _**

**_Safe and sound_**

- Taylor Swift, _Safe and Sound _-

* * *

**Lifeline**

The frenzy caused by the thirst blurred my consciousness eventually. There were times when I felt like I was asleep, drifting between the edges of consciousness and unawareness. It was nearly enjoyable, that obscure illusion of senselessness. It was the closest I could get to dreaming and sleep. The closest I could get to dying. To peace.

There were also the memories; it was getting easier to lose myself into them. The inability to be completely aware of my surroundings made it more effortless. And as I drifted and dreamed, I remembered; the dark room around me almost disappeared.

I wasn't a prisoner then, as the memories slowly lulled me to imitated sleep. Feigning slumber was yet another lie I allowed myself to believe. Yet another way to survive one more second. And at the same time I didn't try to survive anymore. Acceptance came surprisingly easily to me - I was finally honest with myself about something.

I wouldn't get out of here.

And even after that honesty, even after that acceptance, I kept deceiving myself. I kept ignoring the cold floor and the rubble beneath my body, I kept ignoring the dust in my mouth. I kept ignoring the burning scorch in my throat and nostrils, and I kept ignoring the mental images of the red flowing blood that smelled like bergamot and chamomille...

I kept ignoring the fact that it wouldn't be long until I tasted the blood instead of just relishing the memory of the smell. I still kept telling myself that I wouldn't give up - that I could resist the moist scent. That was probably the most blatant lie so far. Because I knew that when Victoria made me draw my last breath, my closing eyes would be reddened with the flush of human blood. She wouldn't let me leave this world until I was properly humiliated.

But that time wasn't yet; I still had a few moments to lie to myself. A few moments to keep ignoring, to keep pretending, to keep remembering... Some of the things were harder to ignore; my smooth palms were empty and cold against my lips, and a part of my mind was still yearning for that small silvery sun that rested somewhere on the dirty floor of the room.

But I was too tired to search for it. Too tired, and too afraid of opening my eyes and facing the temptation. The temptation that I would give into, sooner or later.

So I kept ignoring. Kept pretending. And I kept feigning sleep by remembering, and somehow it helped me to keep existing.

The world around me disappeared.

_"Would you stay? Here, with me?"_

I remembered my answer to his question, my promise which I was forced to break by being here, and by leaving soon. By not staying with him.

Would he understand? Would he ever know that I had wanted to stay? Would he know that I didn't want to leave?

_"Just something to brighten your day."_

The whispers of my memories caused other sensations to surface. The feel of regret was one of the strongest ones. There were many things I regretted; many things that I should have said. And now I didn't have the chance anymore.

_"I'll see you soon, then."_

I didn't even get to say goodbye.

_"Bella..."_

Silence. The quietness was unusually heavy now. For a moment I wondered if I existed any longer - maybe I had died, as impossible as it was. But through the oppressive silence, the burning pain set me alight again, and I realised that I couldn't be dead. Or then I was - maybe I was burning in the fires of hell.

It hurt.

A very quiet sound pierced the silence. Opening my eyes was difficult, and eventually I gave up. I felt oddly disconnected from my body - maybe I _was_ dead. The burning didn't cease, and I tried to swallow against the flames but the pain was too much.

A familiar sound reached my ears, as the door hinges creaked quietly somewhere. Were there any doors in hell?

A sharp inhale echoed, and with the quiet sound came the soft steps.

And that's when I remembered. I wasn't in hell. Or I was, in a way - in many ways. But I wasn't dead. There was still much suffering to do before I could reach that bliss.

The soft steps came closer, making me curl up into a ball in the feeble attempt to protect myself. Victoria must be back with another human, like she had promised.

A soft touch on my shoulder made me flinch. I pressed a palm over my mouth harder, my resistance wavering. The thirst was so bad, and if she got any closer...

"Bella," a voice whispered somewhere near. Something wet and cold dropped onto my cheek. The small bead of moisture caused the thirst to flare again.

"Bella," the voice urged, and it was a familiar voice; it was the voice from my memories. My recollections couldn't quite do justice to it. But it was unthinkable that the voice was here, and I idly mulled over the impossibility of the situation.

More sounds reached my ears. The touch on my shoulder remained.

"Carlisle?" another voice asked.

"Take the body out, Rose," the earlier voice ordered. There was urgency in it - anguish. "Hurry."

My fevered mind couldn't understand what was happening - I couldn't remember anything like this ever happening before. This couldn't be a memory I had lost myself into, because I didn't own a memory such as this.

"Bella?" the velvety voice asked again. The touch traveled from my shoulder to my wrist, pulling gently and trying to pry hands off my face. More drops of cold liquid spattered again. I heard them hitting the stone floor.

It made me crack my eyes open.

"Bella, can you hear me?"

The room was as dark as before. Although the concept of darkness was relative - even when there was no light coming in, I could still see quite clearly, my darkened eyes distinguishing every crevice and crack on the stone walls. I guess that was one of the worst things; to be in the darkness, and at the same time the dark couldn't exist to me. Something about it wasn't natural.

Another familiar voice interrupted my inner rambling that I couldn't comprehend even myself anymore.

"Carlisle?"

The voice was like dozens of bells chiming in the wind - it was a beautiful voice. It sounded somewhere close.

"Carlisle - Carlisle, her eyes..." the voice bemoaned.

"I know," the smooth voice answered. "We must hurry."

To where?

The words spoken by that smooth voice confused me, and I turned my head slightly, my unseeing eyes landing on the creature leaning over me.

And then I could see again, and that's when I knew it; I _was_ dead. Because an angel was looking down at me - an angel with fair hair and golden eyes... Something wet glistened on his face. Droplets of clear liquid hung from his eyelashes, trickled down his cheeks, dribbling down on me. I felt the cold liquid hitting my face. His hand came to brush the moisture away from my skin.

The angel was crying.

Why was he crying?

His lips formed a word - I though it was my name, but I couldn't be sure. The floor disappeared beneath my body suddenly, and I felt myself being pressed against something wet and cool. That's when I realized that the angel had taken me in his arms.

And oh. He wasn't crying. I had mistaken the water on his skin and clothes for tears.

For a moment I was floating in his arms, but then the movement stopped.

"What did you say?" the angel asked.

I could only stare.

"What's wrong?" another voice asked - the one with the dozens of bells.

The angel shook his head, his eyes never leaving mine. "She keeps saying that she lost something," he answered. "Bella, what did you lose? Tell me, what can I do?"

I wasn't aware that I had spoken, but apparently I had. I tried to focus harder, trying to ignore the burning in my throat. My palms left my face - my empty palms.

Empty. I had lost it.

"The sun," I whispered to the angel.

The angel leaned closer, his lips brushing against my cheek. "I'll take you to the sun," he promised. "Everyday if you want - I'll make sure that no day shall pass without you seeing it."

I wanted to thank him. Because he understood, but not completely. I pressed a palm over my chest. The air was so empty between my heart and my skin.

"I don't have it," I whispered to him. He had to understand.

The angel was worried. I could see it in his eyes, and from the way his brow furrowed. His lips parted slightly - he wanted to ask something, but I didn't know what. Or maybe _he_ didn't know what.

The voice of windchimes came to his help.

"Found it," the beautiful voice declared. "Maybe she means this."

Warm skin touched my hand, uncurling my fingers and pressing something cool into my palm.

And it wasn't lost anymore. I wasn't lost.

I pressed the tiny silver sun against my chest, but my eyes never left the angel's face.

The air around me was cooler now - cold. The walls disappeared around me, but it was still dark. It was a different darkness, and even the air was different, clean and crisp. I found myself drawing in a breath. The wind singed my skin and nostrils, another scalding sensation burning my lungs. The icy tears falling from the skies didn't manage to cool it down.

It went very dark again as I closed my eyes, because I couldn't take it; it was a sensory overload. I wasn't used to so many sensations. I wasn't used to the icy wind and raindrops beating my skin. I wasn't used to the clean air - I wanted to breathe it in again, but it hurt.

The voices were foreign, too. Familiar, but foreign. It had been forever since I had heard them.

"Is she alright?" a low voice asked.

"There's no time to waste," the angel answered. "She needs blood, quickly. Rosalie, would you - "

"I'm on it," she answered. "As soon as we get to the shore."

"Victoria?" the angel asked, his voice going cool and almost angry.

"She'll run," the low voice answered - "And she'll fail. Jasper went with the Volturi to ensure that."

"What of the other two?" The angel's smooth voice was still cold, and there was unfamiliar tenseness in it.

"No sign," the low voice answered. "They must have swam away before we arrived. Carmen is checking the northern side to be sure."

There was a hesitant silence. Hurried footsteps neared, along with a new sound; waves crashed against the rocks. I wanted to open my eyes to see, but not quite ready to leave the comforting darkness just yet.

"You've found her?" a new voice asked. It was a gentle voice, and I remembered it. "_Mi Querida?_"

Something warm touched my cheek.

"She's a little off," the earlier chiming voice explained.

"Alice," I remembered. Alice was here...

"I'm here, Bella," she answered to me. "You'll be fine."

The sound of the storming waves was closer now, and I could feel the moist air hitting my skin. The marble arms carrying me shifted my body suddenly.

"Emmett," the angel asked. "Take her other arm. She's too weak to swim."

More shifting again, and then my feet and legs hit the cold water. I inhaled sharply in surprise, causing another torrent of flames scadling my throat. The feeling of the cold water seeping through my clothes caused a memory to surface from the night I had been brought here. I remembered the darkness covering my eyes, and the feeling of drowning. The memory triggered an instinct - it was as if a switch had been turned somewhere inside of me.

"Hold her - hold her still!"

A chaos of sounds erupted. I felt myself tearing away from the tight grasps, the cold water slashing my skin as I tried to escape. It wasn't the present moment I tried to escape - it was the memory of the cold water burning in my lungs, and the desperate sensation of drowning. I knew that the physical needlessness of oxygen brought no relief in that situation.

The water was cold, and the ground was harsh. Something pressed me down suddenly, strong arms wrapping around my body to end my fleeing.

"Bella," Carlisle breathed. "Bella, it's alright. It's just water." His warm breaths brushed against the skin of my neck. "Don't be afraid," he whispered.

In the midst of the scuffle I had managed to open my eyes. The dark surface of the rocky shore stared back at me. I realized that I was half lying in the water, and Carlisle had wrapped his arms around my chest and shoulders. The cold wind stung my skin, making me feel like I was being prickled by hundreds of needles.

"Carlisle?" someone asked from behind me. Waves churned again, the cold surge colliding with my back and wetting my skin. I shivered.

Carlisle's arms around my body loosened slightly.

"She's afraid of the water," he answered quietly to someone.

The feeling of the cool rock against my face was startling as the weariness overpowered me. I let my head sink against the cold surface.

"Bella?" Carlisle asked, giving my shoulder a gentle shake. I wanted to answer, but there was no air in my lungs. And breathing in would have been too painful.

Tender arms lifted me up from the cold rocks. Another pair of hands grabbed me - the grip was also gentle, but there was more force in the touch. I idly realized that it must be Emmett - no one else could be rough and tender at the same time. I was pulled deeper into the cold water again. It made me wrench my eyes open.

Dark waves raged around us. Water was the only thing I saw, and there was much of it, as far as the eye could see. Carlisle had wrapped my other arm behind his neck, keeping me afloat. I turned my head to the right, seeing a pair of kind, golden eyes and dark brown hair. For once Emmett looked nearly solemn - it was weird to see him with no wide smile on his face.

Confusion washed over me. So much had happened during the last few minutes, and I felt like I couldn't bring myself to the current time and moment. I didn't even know where we were - I could only comprehend the icy waters surrounding me, and the storm that raved above us. I felt like I had been suddenly dropped in the middle of a chaos after spending years in silence and numbness, deprived from any visual and vocal irritants. And suddenly there was simply too much to see. Too much to feel and hear.

Carlisle's fingers pressed against my side as another violent surge washed over us, nearly managing to pull me under the water. But Carlisle held me afloat - he wouldn't let me drown.

The swim across the freezing body of water was pure torture. I felt like every fiber of my skin was sensitized. My natural body temperature was so low that it felt unlikely for the water to feel so cold, but it did. It felt strange that the muscles of my body lacked the natural reaction to start shuddering and shaking to warm up the cooling tissues. But that human attribute was gone, because the cold couldn't do any damage to my body. It only caused discomfort instead of the hypothermia.

Another large wave crashed over us. I felt Carlisle pulling me closer, his arms supporting my weight as we sank under the surface momentarily. The water burned my throat and nostrils, but despite of the sharp feeling of scalding I started to feel disconnected from everything. The thirst was taking all my focus, and I barely heard the hollow rumbling as the skies ruptured with thunder.

Something brought me back to the present again. Hard hands pounded against my back, and with the sensation came the focus. My own coughs startled me as my body tried to force the stinging water from my lungs. When had I inhaled the water?

"Not so roughly, Emmett," Carlisle chided. A muffled 'sorry' sounded somewhere next to me. Something soft brushed against my cheek.

Rosalie's voice mingled with the thundering storm.

"I'll see you at the motel," she said.

"Go to the eastern side of the town," Alice instructed.

I had no idea of what they were talking about. And I cared very little; gentle hands turned me around to lie on my back, and a pair of golden eyes looked down at me. Many emotions coiled in their depths.

Carlisle lifted me in his arms again, and his lips tickled the skin of my cheek as he whispered tender words in my ear. It was a bliss - I found myself focusing on every syllable his vocal cords created. The words were lost to me, but I didn't mind. Hearing his voice was everything I needed, and more than I ever could've hoped for.

My eyes closed on their own accord again.

"I'll drive," Emmett declared, his sentence partly muffled by the thunder.

I was pulled inside a car, then. I could only assume that it was the backseat, since Carlisle had enough space to keep me in his arms. He never loosened his hold; his embrace was tender and tight at the same time. There was desperation in his touch, as if he relinquieshed his hold of me, I'd suddenly disappear. I felt his nose pressing against my scalp every now and then, his fingers coming to brush against my wet hair. As though to ensure that I was real - that I was still here.

I was here, and he was here. And despite of being entirely drenched along with the scalding pain in my throat, I was happier than I had been in a long time.

Quiet words were spoken - someone asked Emmett to turn off the air conditioning.

"Carmen, my coat please," Carlisle requested quietly. The sound of the accelerating engine combined with the rustling fabric. Something dry and warm was draped over me, and I found myself drawing in the smell.

"Bella, don't breathe," Carlisle forbid gently. The hold of his arms tightened slightly, and it caused me to remember Rosalie's earlier words. See you at the motel, she had said.

Motel meant humans.

Humans.

The thirst flared again - this was what it was like to burn on a stake. I pressed my face against Carlisle's wet shirt, trying to get a hold of myself. The silver sun pressed against my palm as I balled my hands into fists, and a tiny part of my mind was able to feel glad for not dropping the bracelet in the water during the swim. I heard Alice whispering soothing words to me, and I realized that she must be sitting next to us. Her warm fingers touched my neck comfortingly.

Time passed - I couldn't tell how long. But eventually the car slowed down, and the engine quieted. Carlisle shifted his coat better on me before manouvering himself out of the car. I kept my eyes closed as he carried me through the veil of rain. I didn't know where we were, and I didn't care where we were going. Carlisle was with me, and that's all I needed.

Warm air hit my skin suddenly, and it made me open my eyes. The lights seemed too bright against my sensitized vision - I had gotten so used to the darkness.

"Rosalie will be back in a few minutes," Alice informed. Her golden gaze was fixed upon my face, and I also noticed Carmen peeking behind her, her kind eyes studying my appearance worriedly.

Whatever Carlisle answered, I couldn't hear. The flames scorched my throat again, and I was only vaguely aware of Carlisle carrying me to another room with bright lights. The sound of his calm steps echoed from the walls, and it allowed me to believe that we were in a bathroom of some sort. A quick glance around me ensured it.

The floor felt cold and hard compared to Carlisle's warm embrace as he lowered me to sit down on it. He did so with care and tenderness, as if I was made of brittle glass. Like I was something easily shattering; something precious.

"It won't be long, Bella," he whispered, kneeling in front of me and trying to meet my gaze. His fingertips brushed the skin of my knuckles - I realized that I had lifted a palm over my mouth again. "Just hang on a little more longer," he continued.

Until what?

I wanted to ask him, but I couldn't focus on forming words. And I started to feel disconnected again - it was as if I was watching the scene through someone else's eyes. I couldn't be sure if I was even here - maybe this was some sort of a senseless illusion that my own mind had created. Or maybe I was dead after all. But I couldn't be sure if this was hell or heaven. Carlisle's presence would certainly belong to my heaven, but the agonizing thirst supported the possibility of hell more.

Air brushed my skin as someone stepped inside the room. My eyes were closed again, so I couldn't see who had entered.

"Thank you, Rosalie," Carlisle breathed, sounding oddly relieved. A peculiar sound reached my ears as I heard him reaching out for something.

"It's the best I could find so far. There's only one butchery shop nearby, so..." Rosalie answered. "It'll probably taste awful, since it's bovine blood."

I felt Carlisle prying the palm from my mouth, and then something hard pressed against my lips.

"You have to drink, Bella," he urged.

I managed to open my eyes, and at the same time something wet touched my lips, causing me to draw in a spontaneous breath. The smell was slightly crisp, but putrid and rotten - I would have probably wrinkled my nose and gagged if the thirst hadn't been so compelling.

The pungent liquid touched my tongue, and after that I was gone.

There were no words to describe the next seconds. It was the most horrible moment of my life, and at the same time the most fulfilling. All that made me who I was, every thought and every emotion that resided in me was suddenly leaving me. The sensation of the wet blood in my mouth made me abandon everything - nothing else existed anymore. I thought I could actually feel myself leaving my body, and in that body, only the thirst remained. The thirst, and the instincts that compelled me to drink.

It was indescribable to lose myself that way, having no control over myself - over anything. It was awful and wonderful at the same time, and it was the first time I actually found myself being torn between panic and euphoria.

The instinctual compulsion to continue drinking drowned the panic eventually. As the blood flowed down my throat, the flaring pain got worse at first - it didn't make any sense. But I had to keep drinking, had to keep hoping and praying that the liquid would eventually quench the burn.

Two different extremities battled inside me again as I started to taste the blood instead of just mindlessly swallowing it. Never had I tasted something so wonderful, but as the flavor started to push through the haze of thirst, I was beginning to feel repulsed. The taste reminded me of the smell of sewage.

It _tasted_ like sewage.

I felt myself gagging slightly, my fingers trying to push the plastic rim away from my lips. But hands held it still, forcing another flood of vile liquid into my mouth.

"I'm sorry," I heard Carlisle apologizing. "You have to drink, Bella - it'll get better, I promise. Just a little more."

And I had no choice. The ability to choose was taken away from me by the thirst, and by the hard but gentle hands that held me in place. I focused on those hands as I continued to drink mindlessly, and I focused on the way the smooth marble skin curled around my other shoulder - it was so strange to feel the tips of the smooth fingers pressing against my skin. Not to hurt or intimidate, but to comfort and nurture.

It was unfamiliar; I had gotten used to the rough touches.

Eventually the haze disappeared, the scorch in my throat leaving behind a ghostly ache. The rim of the plastic bottle left my lips.

I was panting and nearly heaving as I tried to get a hold of myself again, trying to comprehend what was happening around me. I lifted my eyes from the white tile floor, my gaze sweeping the row of vampires in the room.

It was strange to see them without the fervid thirst clouding my vision. Everything was very sharp - it was as if I saw them for the first time.

Emmett was stading by the door, looking slightly disgusted but also sympathetic. The putrid smell of the blood filled my nostrils again, causing me to understand his repulsion quite well.

Rosalie and Alice were both crouched in front of me. Their golden eyes were oddly sad - they looked at me as though I was a sick person about to draw my last breath and die. I saw Rosalie glancing at my right, exchanging a look with someone. I turned my head to see Carmen rising from beside me, her warm fingers brushing the top of my head quickly. The gesture was reassuring; comforting.

I turned my eyes to the last person in the room; the one I hadn't looked at yet. And I found my gaze staying on the golden angel crouched beside me, and I couldn't bring myself to look away anymore. My gaze remained, and so did his.

"It's alright," he whispered to me. His fingers came to brush my chin gently, wiping away the remaining smears of blood. "You're safe now."

The time dragged on as I looked at him - as I was finally able to _see _him without the thirst shading my vision. My eyes took in his moist, blond hair with a dozen different hues of gold, and his eyes, nearly as fair as his hair was. I let my eyes sweep his form as if to memorize; after all, it wasn't that long ago when I had believed that I'd never get the chance to see him again. But he was here now, and I got to look at him with my own eyes.

Words were spoken, nearly going unnoticed by my ears.

"Do you have to go?" Rosalie whispered to someone. There was fear in her voice, and I wanted to look at her, to see who she was talking to - to know what was going on.

"Don't worry," came Emmett's reassuring answer. His words were meant to comfort, but there was something else in his tone; a hidden eagerness. "Carlisle?" he asked.

The golden angel beside me still held me in his gaze. His eyes narrowed slightly, signaling to Emmett that he had heard him speaking, but refusing to look away from me. As though he was memorizing me, too.

"You sure you're not coming?" Emmett asked.

A flicker of flame ignited momentarily Carlisle's eyes, and there was something in those golden depths I had never seen before; anger and fury. But those emotions were gone as quickly as they had appeared, and I wondered what had made him look so angry. Was he mad at Emmett?

"My place is here," he said softly, still holding my gaze. I wondered if he spoke to Emmett or to me; it was difficult to tell.

Soft footsteps sounded, and after that it took me a moment to realize that I was alone in the room with the golden angel.

His eyes left mine, and momentarily I felt empty. Gentle fingers started to pry away my clothing, and it puzzled me.

Carlisle reached out for something behind me, and it was only then when I noticed that I was leaning against a bathtub. Water started running, filling the silent room with rushing sounds that seemed too loud in my ears.

He leaned back again, continuing to rid me of my tattered sweater, at the same time watching me with a cautious look in his eyes, as if he expected me to run away suddenly.

"It's alright," he whispered. "You're drenched - I want you to be warm."

I stared at him, lifting my arms so he could pull away the dirty, wet garment. My eyes sweeped his form again, noting his own disheveled appearance - he was as soaked as I was. His fair buttown-down shirt was slightly smudgy and tucked in his dark pants only partially. I had never seen Carlisle looking so... untidy.

"Your clothes are wet, too," I said quietly.

Carlisle's seemed surprised after hearing me speak, his movements halting momentarily. He got over his surprise quickly, but taking little notice of my words.

"It doesn't matter," he said. "Only you matter now."

That's all he said during the next minutes as he continued to undress me. There was the same caution in his eyes and touches for the whole time, as if he brushed me too hard with his hand I might shatter to pieces. His lack of words didn't bother me that much, but it caused me to remember the earlier word exchange with Emmett. I wondered again the angry flare in Carlisle's eyes; the anger didn't belong there.

The water was pleasantly warm as Carlisle partly lifted me into the white tub. I pulled my knees against my chest, wrapping my arms around my legs, and merely enjoyed the warmth. And when Carlisle's soft fingers started to gently douse me with water, I knew I hadn't been so warm in a long time.

"Where did Emmett go?" I found myself suddenly asking, without making any conscious decision to speak. "Why are you angry?"

Carlisle's movements stilled for a moment, but then his wet finger brushed against my jawline tenderly. "I'm not angry," he whispered. "And you don't have to worry about anything. Emmett will be back again."

His hands started to knead my arms and shoulders, and I idly realised that the water started to look darker - I hadn't realized that my skin was so dirty and stained, even after being soaked in the cold water and rain for what it felt like hours.

I closed my eyes, deciding that I wanted to remember this moment, to remember the gentleness he was handling me with. I had forgotten how it felt like when someone cared. When someone touched you out of affection, without any malicious thoughts in mind.

The darkness of my closed eyelids brought memories of the coarse fingers pressing painfully against my skin. It made me wince and tear my eyes open.

Carlisle's fingers stilled on my skin again, hesitating.

"Did I hurt you?" he asked.

I shook my head.

He continued again after a while, gently kneading and wiping the skin of my arms to rid it of the dust and grime. When he reached my wrists, and finally tried to pry my fingers open to wash my hands, I suddenly found myself refusing.

I balled my hand into a fist, feeling the silver sun pressing against my skin. Carlisle tried to open my fingers gently, but he stopped immediately after noticing my reluctance.

"Don't take it away," I pleaded, venturing to glance at him quickly.

The look in his golden eyes was oddly soft. But behind the softness, there was concern and worry; I wondered if I was the cause of those emotions.

Carlisle's hand molded against my own. "Of course I won't, sweetheart," he promised.

I closed my eyes again after hearing his endearment; the familiar, safe endearment I used to like so much.

Did I still like it? Was I still me?

Carlisle's fingers brushed away the hair from my back. He lifted the partially moist locks over my shoulder, revealing my bare back before I had the chance to stop him.

For a moment it was very still and quiet as I felt his gaze sweeping over my abused skin, where the numerous scars covered the formerly flawless and pale surface. Deforming, uglifying, violating.

Reminding.

The tips of his fingers ghosted above the teeth marks, and I flinched away from his touch before he even had the chance to make any contact with my skin.

"Don't," I found myself pleading.

"I'm sorry," he apologized immeadiately - apologized for something he hadn't done. "My God, I'm sorry..."

I stayed still after that, trying to ignore the memory of the sharp teeth sinking into my skin, along with the press of the forceful fingers. And I kept hoping that Carlisle would leave it be. That he wouldn't ask anything.

Alice peeked inside sometime after Carlisle had washed and rinsed my hair. I didn't see her, because my eyes were closed again. But I heard her quiet steps against the tile floor, and her quiet words as she dropped something on the floor.

"I brougth you both some dry clothes," she murmured quietly. It nearly tempted me to smile; Alice and her obsession for clothing.

It was silent for a few seconds, and I cracked my eyes open to see Carlisle and Alice mouthing words to each other. Alice shook her head mutely before her gaze flicked to me. Carlisle turned his head away from her, also noticing that my eyes were open. He started to douse my shoulders with warm water again as if nothing had passed.

"What's wrong?" I asked, wondering why they were trying to hide their conversation from me.

"Nothing," Carlisle soothed. "You don't have to worry about anything."

It was the second time when he said that. And his words didn't have the desired effect; it made me wonder again where Emmett had gone. And where was Jasper? I hadn't seen him at all.

I remembered the earlier flare of fury in Carlisle's eyes, and it caused another memory to surface. There had been anger in his voice before, right after he had carried me from the darkness.

_"Victoria?" _he had asked with a cool voice.

_"She'll run," _Emmett had answered. _"And she'll fail. Jasper went with the Volturi to ensure that."_

Victoria... The Volturi.

What had happened before Carlisle and the others had found me? Where was Victoria - where were Milo and Evan, and the other two men whose names I had never known?

"Are they gone?" I whispered, more to myself than to Carlisle or Alice.

Carlisle's fingers brushed against my cheek. "You don't have to worry," he assured again with a hushed voice. "We'll take care of everything."

He exchanged a glance with Alice again, then continuing to wash the skin of my shoulders gently.

Alice turned around, crouching to pick up something from the floor. Before she made her way out of the bathroom, I saw a flash of the clear plastic bottle that was smeared with bright blood.

I remembered the putrid taste of it when they had forced me to drink. But as vile and unpleasant the recollection of that taste was, it was nothing compared to the memory of the sweet scent that had floated into my nostrils in that dark room - was it days ago, was it hours ago, I didn't know. It was as though it had happened in another lifetime.

But it hadn't been in another lifetime. It had happened in this one.

The mental image of the bottle stained with the red blood somehow blended together with the memory of the sweet scent of bergamot and chamomille. I remembered the brown curls framing the young boy's face, and I remembered the hands holding me down and forcing the rotten liquid down my throat...

I suddenly found my fingers curling around the fabric of Carlisle's shirt. He stilled in surprise after my sudden movement as I hung from the chest of his shirt. The silver sun slipped from my fingers, creating a quiet sound as it collided with the floor. It echoed from the walls.

"I didn't do it," I whispered, suddenly terrified. "I didn't kill them."

His eyes were full of confusion as he gently pried my fingers from his shirt. Then he reached out to pick up the sun from the floor, standing momentarily before sitting on the edge of the tub.

I took the bracelet from him, grateful that he had noticed it falling.

"Who?" he asked, reaching out with his hand to cup my cheek.

"The boy," I answered. My voice sounded panicked even in my own ears. "I didn't kill him - and not the other one, either. You have to believe me - "

"I know," he reassured, cutting me off softly. "Alice told me what happened. It's alright."

Relief flowed through me, and I let out a shuddering breath. "Alice saw it?" I asked with a small voice. It made me wonder what else she had seen.

"Yes," Carlisle assured, grabbing a towel from the small bench. It took me a moment to realize that he started to help me up from the cooling water.

He was handling me like a small child as he dried me off with the towel and clothed me - like I was somehow incapable of doing it myself. The gesture should have irritated me, but his gentle handling only managed to make me feel cared for. But there was something careful and cautious in Carlisle's touches, something in his eyes that also made me feel like he was apologizing. Like he was sorry about something.

I heard quiet conversation from the next room behind the closed door as Carlisle pulled my hair through the neck of the long-sleeved t-shirt he had put on me. Carmen's hushed voice mingled with Alice's whispers.

"Carmen is here," I stated quietly, wondering why she wasn't in Alaska.

"Yes," Carlisle answered, steering me to sit down on the bench that rested on one wall of the bathroom. He sat down beside me, brushing his forefinger gently against my cheek. "She's been helping us to find you - she, and the other Denalis."

"Where are they?" I asked. "The rest of them?"

Carlisle wetted his lips quickly, his eyes studying the white wall across from us.

"They will be back," he answered evasively, his tone carefree. "After they've taken care of something."

There was only one thing they could be taking care of. And suddenly I realized where Emmett had gone, and why Jasper wasn't here. And Tanya and Kate, Irina and Eleazar...

"They're going after her," I whispered, trying to contain the horror. "Victoria - and those others - "

Carlisle cut me off again with a shake of his head. "You have no reason to worry about them," he reassured. "They will be fine. The Volturi are with them."

"The Volturi?" I asked, confused. There was so much to ask - so many things I didn't know. It was a strange contrast; I felt like I had been in the dark for so long, and suddenly I was pelted with different alterations and thoughts and _feelings_...

There were many of them; those feelings.

Carlisle was unaware of the chaos inside my mind. His hand lifted to brush a lock of moist hair behind my ear.

"It's a long story," he answered. "And you will hear it, if you wish. But perhaps not today." There was caution on his golden eyes again as his fingers played on the surface of my hand. The touch was tentative, nearly insecure; it was as if he was still trying to convince himself that I was here.

Was I here? Was this real?

Was _he _real?

And then I started to question my sanity again; what if this wasn't real? And if this wasn't real, if this wasn't actually _happening_ - then what was this?

There was a frown on Carlisle's face as he stroked my hand gently.

"Bella?" he asked.

I lifted my eyes, still dubious and unbelieving, to meet his; there was no mistrust in his golden ones. Only worry and caution.

"I need to know if you're alright," he whispered, speaking slowly and emphasizing his every word in a strange way. It made me feel that his simple question held many other questions and concerns, but he just didn't voice them.

I didn't know an answer to any of those questions.

So I asked a question of my own; the one that had been nearly constantly in my mind during the last moments spent in his presence.

"Is this real?" I whispered. "Am I dead?"

It was difficult to comprehend the expression in Carlisle's eyes as he looked at me. The light touch of his fingertips against my knuckles that had been cautious and careful until now, changed into despair; the urgency exuded from the silky marble skin as his fingers wrapped around my hand, almost as if to conceal and harbor. As if he let go of my hand now, I might suddenly disappear.

"This is real," he answered softly, and it almost sounded like he was also trying to convince himself, and not just me. "You're here - you're really here."

I wanted to believe him. But there still was a quiet whisper of doubt in the back of my mind. It haunted me, that small piece of mistrust, and I wondered again if this was some sort of an illusion created by own brain after spending so much time in the darkness. Could vampires go mad and lose their minds? Was it possible?

I looked at Carlisle, the golden angel with golden eyes, and felt the silky skin of his fingers clasping my own. And maybe it was only a delusion, a creation of my own messed up head that I saw him here, with me. And maybe it was only a hallucination that I felt the small sun made of silver getting warmer against my skin as I squeezed it lightly.

Maybe all this was a huge illusion - like a mirage of some sort. But suddenly I didn't care. Because I wanted to enjoy it; Carlisle was here. And I hoped that this was real, that _he _was real, but at the same time fearing that he wasn't.

His fingers left the skin of my hand, and he shifted beside me, his movements as cautious and careful as before. As if he didn't want to scare me by doing something sudden. I felt his fingertips ghosting above my cheek, moving to tuck a lock of hair behind my ear again.

He spoke very quietly, as if not to disturb the silence.

"What makes you think that this isn't real?" he asked. "Why do you feel the need to question it?"

I licked my lips, wondering how to make him see.

"Because... it seems so unreal." I frowned, fixing my gaze upon the white floor. It was as bare as I felt. "I thought I'd never see you again."

It was very silent after my words. I heard Carlisle shifting slightly again, and then he let out a long sigh.

I turned my head back to look at him, barely able to register him running a hand over his eyes before he had me enveloped in his embrace. The caution was suddenly gone from his touches, and there was only urgency and despair in his tight hold as his arms came around me. His lips brushed against the side of my neck, forming words so quiet that I couldn't hear them.

I melted against him, my mind idly wondering his soundless whispers.

We stayed that way for a while; my fingers searched the moist wisps of hair in his neck, and I silently savored the feel of the silky locks against my fingertips. There was so much to savor, so many things that I thought I had lost.

Carlisle's whispers weren't soundless anymore, and I was able to distinguish the words; one particular sentence repeated itself quite frequently.

"I'm sorry," he breathed against my skin.

His shirt was wet and smelled like rain, combining with his own unique scent. I drew in a breath against the moist fabric, silently enjoying it while wondering out loud his apologies.

"What for?" I whispered.

"For everything," he breathed, pulling away to gaze into my eyes. "For not finding you sooner - and for letting this happen in the first place. I'm sorry, Bella, so sorry that I didn't - "

"Don't," I pleaded, cutting him off softly. The look in his eyes was tormented - he looked like he was being burned alive. I didn't want that to him. I knew what it was like being burned alive, and I didn't want that to him.

I leaned back against his chest. There was caution in Carlisle touch again as his arms came around me, and as I felt his lips pressing against my hair.

"I'm wetting your clothes," he resisted softly, but didn't pull away.

"I don't care," I murmured back.

Because I didn't care. I didn't care about the moisture seeping through my shirt and wetting my skin again, and I didn't care if this was real or not. I just wanted to be. Because suddenly I was weary; my tormented mind was too tired to care any of those insignificant things. I just wanted a little moment of piece; a little moment to breathe.

Because I was finally able to breathe. Because breathing was easier now. Possible.

Because Carlisle was here.

And I didn't care if it was an illusion or not.

* * *

**AN/ **Ugh. I'm not completely sure if I'm satisfied with this chapter. What do you guys think? There were some parts that I liked myself, but I have to admit that it was a challenge to get inside Bella's head in this chapter. I wanted her to appear a little woozy and confused - what else could you expect from a person being locked inside a dark room for weeks.

I'm working on the next chapter that contains some answers, and also clarifies the situation. Will Jasper and the others find Victoria, or will Carlisle go and kick her ass himself? What has occurred before Carlisle found Bella, and what happens now? What led to all this, and how Victoria managed to get away once again? Eeks.

It might take about two weeks or even more until I'm ready with the next chapter, but I'll promise to post it immediately after it's ready. My life has been crazy recently, and I barely have the time to come inside the house and sleep. It's agonizing - I don't have enough time to dream about Carlisle! :)


	50. Chapter 50: Sunrise

**Stephenie Meyer owns Twilight :)**

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_**In this world, full often, **_

_**our joys are only the tender shadows **_

_**which our sorrows cast.**_

- Henry Ward Beecher -

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**Sunrise**

CPOV

"Why didn't you tell me?"

It was a struggle to keep my voice quiet and calm. The golden eyes looking into mine were burdened with guilt, but there was also certainty in them; she was standing behind her actions.

"It wouldn't have made any difference if you had known," she insisted, lowering her gaze to the ground.

I ran a hand through my hair, sighing. "Alice..."

"I'm sorry," she whispered. I turned away from her, drawing in a deep breath while trying to compose myself. The dark parking lot of the silent motel stared back at me. The earlier storm had nearly passed, but the drizzling rain continued, soaking through my clothes and wetting them again. I barely noticed, and I hardly cared.

I had asked Alice to step outside with me while Rosalie and Carmen kept Bella company. It broke my heart to leave her side, even just for a few seconds, but I knew that there was something I had to ask from Alice.

The last several hours had been filled with different emotions. Relief, dread, shock and anger had battled for dominance inside my heart. Anger was something I rarely felt, but now, after witnessing the condition Bella had been in when we had found her - the paleness of her skin, the blackness of her eyes, her withered body, the scars covering the marble skin of her back...

The scars.

Never had I been so shocked as I had layed my eyes on the formerly smooth and silky porcelain skin. Of course I had been aware of the possibility that she had been harmed, but the knowledge of it had brought me no comfort after seeing her mauled skin. Nothing could have prepared me for that sight.

I wondered why Alice hadn't told me about it - why hadn't she revealed how badly Bella was being treated? The memory of her flinching away from my touch burned, but not as much as it burned to imagine the things that had happened to her. The things I didn't know - the things that Alice had chosen not to share with me.

_Why_?

I sighed again, turning back to the petite woman with raven hair. She had lifted her eyes from the wet pavement. There was regret and sorrow blending together in the golden depths.

"I only wish you had told me," I whispered again quietly, attempting to keep our conversation private.

"I know," she answered with a hushed tone. "And maybe you're right - maybe I should have told you what they were doing to her. But it wouldn't have made any difference, Carlisle, because there was nothing you could have done." Alice's fingers grasped my sleeve, forcing my attention on her. "I just wanted to spare you from it. Because I know what it feels like to be able to see and know what is happening, but having no chances to stop it! There are no words to describe that feeling of uselessness - I couldn't wish that feeling for anyone." Her golden eyes pleaded me, as did her soft words. "Please try to understand," she whispered.

Another sigh escaped my mouth. "Of course I can understand that," I said, "but you had no need to shield me from anything. I wasn't the one who needed protecting."

"I didn't want to tell you anything that was unnecessary to know at the moment. You needed to focus, to set your mind to something that could actually help us move forward." Alice's fingers released my sleeve, and she glanced back at the motel. "I know how it would have affected you - how much it would have frustrated you, knowing that there wasn't anything you could have done for her."

"I could have tried harder," I stated, my voice raising slightly. Alice snorted softly, shaking her head at my words.

"You already did," she insisted. "You were already doing everything you could to find her - and you succeeded. She's safe now."

I ran a hand over my eyes, taking a deep breath and trying to control the rushing emotions.

"She is," I agreed, and relief flooded over me after the thought. I couldn't believe that Bella was finally here with us - that we had found her. That I hadn't lost her.

The mental image of her abused skin rose into my mind again. And I felt nauseous, because she was the one paying the price because it had taken so long for us to find her.

"I'm sorry I didn't tell you, okay?" Alice apologized again.

Meeting her golden gaze, I gave her a nod. "I know you meant well," I consented quietly, "but I want you to tell now me if there's anything else you've left out."

Alice sighed, closing her eyes momentarily. She glanced back at the motel again, hesitating. "They weren't handling Bella exactly nicely, as I've told you before," she stated evasively.

I nodded gravely, drawing in a breath and opening my mouth to speak. But my throat was constricting, and I lowered my gaze to the dark pavement beneath our feet. "Did she... " I swallowed and brushed a hand over my eyes. "You have to tell me," I said very slowly, "how badly she was harmed."

Alice closed her eyes, also dropping her head.

"You mean..." She let her words die away, her gaze remaining on the dark ground.

"You know what I mean," I stated quietly. I felt sick to my stomach to even think about the possibility that Bella had endured the same affliction as Rosalie once had, but I needed to know.

"I can't be sure," Alice answered, still not meeting my eyes. "Some of the visions I had of her were very obscure - someone was harassing and assaulting her but - "

"Who?" I asked, cutting her off. The warmth left my body.

Alice looked miserable as she finally raised her gaze. "I don't have a name to give to you. And as I said, at times the visions were hazy and unclear, and I have no way of knowing about the things that have happened while I've monitored Victoria and Laurent. You have to talk to Bella herself about this."

I let out a breath, experiencing an odd sensation of faltering; I had wanted her to prove my fears wrong.

"But... there's a possibility?" I asked, my lips feeling numb and cold. That coldness took over my heart, covered the surface of my skin with it - it surprised me that the raindrops didn't start to freeze as they touched my skin.

Alice didn't answer, but she had no need. I saw it in her eyes, from the way her jaw was clenched, from the way her fingers were curled.

And I burned, and at the same time I had never been so cold. Frozen.

We started to walk back towards the motel with slow steps. I tried to get a hold of my emotions before going inside, not wanting Bella to see me upset.

"I'm sorry that I don't have any certain answers," Alice apologized softly as she walked beside me.

"It's not your fault," I assured. "You can't have all the answers - none of us can."

The distance between the parking lot and the motel seemed suddenly oddly long, and I tried to suppress the urge to move faster than normal human pace. I had been away from Bella only a few minutes, but already I had a compelling need to see her, and to make sure she was alright. The last hours seemed like a dream, and I just couldn't bring myself to believe that we had actually found her. That she was finally back with us.

"Have you heard anything from Jasper?" I asked as we walked.

Alice shook her head. "Not in a while. Emmett caught up with them some time ago. They are still searching for Victoria - one of her pawns is dead."

I nodded mutely, feeling a slight hint of satisfaction. Violence was something I detested immensely, but it pleased me to know that at least two of those men who had harmed Bella wouldn't have the chance to lay a finger on her any longer.

A few moments later we stepped inside the motel room, leaving the drizzling rain behind. Luckily the area we were staying at was quite calm, secluded even; it should make the situation easier for Bella when there weren't many humans around. At least I hoped it'd make it easier for her. I couldn't even imagine what it had been like for her to be trapped inside that room with a bleeding human. Her first direct encounter with humans after her transformation shouldn't have been like that, and it angered me to think how Victoria had tortured Bella by bringing dead humans to taunt her. It was cruel - plain and simple.

Beneath the anger I was proud of Bella. It was unimaginable to think the amount of self-control it must have taken not to drink after being in thirst for weeks.

Alice went to retrieve her cell phone instantly after we stepped inside, and then she disappeared back into the rain after finding it, without a doubt trying to reach either Jasper or Eleazar.

I found Bella from the bathroom where I had left her earlier. She was sitting on the bench with Rosalie while Carmen sat on the floor at Rosalie's feet. The latter two were talking quietly, but Bella was silent. She seemed to listen their conversation, and the expression on her face seemed almost bewildered. It made me wonder if she was completely present. The look in her eyes had been very absent during the last two hours after we had found her. At times she didn't seem to be aware of her surroundings, and I had to admit that her passive demeanor worried me.

Bella lifted her eyes to look at me as I entered; the color of her irises was still nearer black than golden amber, and I knew she needed to hunt soon to sate her thirst completely. The blood Rosalie had been able to retrieve for her wasn't nearly enough to quench it completely.

I gave Bella a small smile, realizing that it was the first time I actually smiled in months. A wave of relief flooded over me again as I realized that Bella was here; she was safe.

She was safe.

Rosalie and Carmen stood up.

"Has Alice seen anything?" Rosalie asked cautiously, throwing a hesitant glance at Bella. I knew she worried about Emmett - he had left to pursue Victoria with Jasper and the Volturi after we had found Bella. Jasper, along with the three Denali sisters, had decided to join their search earlier this evening, right after we had achieved the confirmation about Bella's whereabouts.

"Emmett is with Jasper and the Volturi," I reassured. "He caught up with them a moment ago. Alice is calling someone now - presumably Eleazar." I gave Bella a quick glance as well, trying to ease Rosalie's mind with as few words as possible. Bella knew very little of the current situation, and for now I wanted to keep it that way. She had realized earlier that Jasper and Emmett had gone after Victoria, and I didn't want her to be distressed. She needed peace and quiet more than to hear things that might worry her.

She had endured enough already. The memory of her bare back covered with scars returned to my mind, and it took me a moment to realize that my own fingernails were digging into my palms.

Shaking away the image and the anger caused by it, I walked over to the girl with mahogany hair. She gave me a long, searching look, the empty expression in her eyes changing into worry as she gazed at me.

"I'll go and see how far Alice left," Rosalie said, giving Bella a quick smile. She reached out with her hand to touch her shoulder, but then retrieved it quickly, hesitating before taking a towel from the bench.

I understood her hesitance to touch Bella - during the last two hours she had flinched from the slightest of touches. I was unaware if she noticed it herself; her fearfulness was probably partly instinctive, an action she had learned and gotten used to. I had realized that she expected the pain everytime someone touched her. Her skin expected the pain.

I swallowed thickly, sitting beside her as Carmen and Rosalie left the room.

It was silent for a while as Bella gazed after them, her eyes devouring the room they had disappeared into. Then she lowered her gaze, quickly opening her palm to reveal the small sun made of silver, and then closing her fingers again.

It surprised and pleased me somewhat to see that she still had that simple bracelet I had given to her weeks ago - she seemed to guard it faithfully.

"Where were you?" Bella asked, her voice so quiet that I barely heard it.

"I'm sorry that I left," I apologized, regretting instantly those few minutes spent away from her - my own questions for Alice should have waited.

"It's okay," she whispered, turning her head to look at me. I reached out with my fingers slowly so she wouldn't be startled, brushing a lock of hair behind her ear. The dark veil of mahogany had nearly dried already - how I enjoyed feeling the silky locks under my fingertips.

Her next question surprised me.

"Is something wrong?" she asked, piercing me with her gaze.

"No," I assured. "You are here - nothing could be more right."

The look in her eyes was suddenly very soft, and a corner of her lip twitched slightly. I wouldn't call it a smile, but it was a start; any reaction from her was welcome. She still seemed to be in her own world, miles away, and at times the look in her eyes was so empty that it seemed as though she wasn't here at all. It reminded me of the girl I had found from the hospital room months and months ago.

"Where did you go with Alice?" she wanted to know, a thousand questions in her eyes. "Is Emmett coming back? And Jasper?" There was worry in her tone now - anxiety.

"They will be back," I reassured again, lowering my hand on her shoulder. I was glad that she didn't wince at my touch. "Bella, please try not to worry - just leave everything for us."

The worry in her dark eyes was starting to change into fear. "But you don't understand," she whispered, suddenly turning to face me and grabbing my arm. "Victoria - she won't leave them be! She said that she's going to kill them, and you! And she's not alone - "

I grasped her fingers, trying to calm her. "Bella, please try not to distress yourself. Jasper and Emmett will be fine - the Volturi are with them, along with Eleazar. And even Tanya, Kate and Irina are there. Victoria and her associates have little chances against all of them."

Bella let out a breath, her posture relaxing slightly. But she was still tense, concern evident in her eyes as she gazed at me. I released her fingers, moving my hand to rest on her shoulder, and trying to restrain myself from drawing her against my side. She hadn't seemed to mind my embrace earlier in the evening, but I knew she needed patient handling. Her eyes reminded me of a frightened wild animal.

"Why are the Volturi here?" she asked quietly. "And what else is going on - how did you find me? Where are we?"

"We are in a small town in Ontario," I answered cautiously.

Her eyebrows lifted, and she looked dubious. "Ontario?" she asked. "That's... far."

I gave her a small smile, stroking her shoulder gently. "We'll go back home as soon as we can," I promised.

Bella glanced at the white wall, hesitating before speaking quietly again. "After Jasper and Emmett return? And Eleazar?"

Her question made me nearly me grimace. We had no idea how long it would take to find Victoria. She still had her instinct to escape the danger, and even when one of her associates was dead, there were three more to find in addition to Laurent. And I knew no one would turn back until finding all of them. Especially Emmett would be a challenging person to persuade to turn back in the middle of the search.

A large part of me had wanted to go with them. The feeling of anger was nearly compelling but also startling. I had never felt such a temptation to harm someone. But I had ignored that temptation and stayed here, because Bella needed me more. And here I would remain, at least until I had ensured that she was well and safe enough.

"I'm not quite sure," I answered her earlier question, trying to banish the feelings of fury towards Victoria and her accomplices. "It might take a while until they return. It's possible that we won't meet them before we return home."

It wasn't until then when I noticed that Bella was watching me with guarded eyes. Our gazes met, and she looked away from me quickly, seeming troubled.

"You don't have to worry about them," I assured again. "Their search is like a good entertainment for Emmett. A brilliant way to pass time," I jested, attempting to light up the atmosphere and ease her mind.

A small smile nearly made its way on her lips, but her eyes were so hollow that it had me instantly worried again.

"Why are you angry?" she whispered suddenly, catching me off guard.

"I'm not angry," I assured, reaching out to tuck a lock of hair behind her ear. "Why would you think of such a thing?"

Bella gave me a fleeting glance before her gaze traveled to her hand. She opened her palm quickly, revealing the small sun made of silver before fisting her fingers again.

"But before," she insisted, turning to look at me. "And just before Emmett left - your eyes were angry."

Her words stunned me to silence for a moment. I wouldn't have thought that she had noticed, and I certainly hadn't meant to reveal my anger to her. But it seemed that some of my emotions had been visible in me, even though I had tried to hide them.

There was fear in Bella's eyes - uncertainty. And suddenly I was horrified myself as a thought came to me. I didn't want her to think that my anger was directed at her.

"I'm angered by the things that have happened to you," I explained quietly. "Victoria angers me - and I anger myself. Because I let this happen to you." Rising from the bench, I lowered myself on the floor in front of her, grasping her hand in mine. "And I hope that someday you will find it in your heart to forgive me for not protecting you. But I understand if you cannot."

For a moment Bella only stared down at me, her eyes full of confusion. She opened her mouth to speak, only to close it. Her eyes closed as well, the dark irises disappearing behind the pale eyelids. A frown furrowed her brow then, as though she was having difficulty to comprehend my words.

"But it's not your fault," she said softly after a while, opening her eyes. "There's nothing to forgive. Please - don't say such things again," she pleaded. Then she shook my hand away from hers, distancing herself from my touch.

The gesture was quick and resentful, and it stung - dear God how it stung. I lowered my gaze to my knees, regretful that she resented my touch.

But all of a sudden, warm hands grasped my shoulders and caught me off guard, and it took a moment for me to get over my surprise as Bella lowered herself from the bench to the floor in front of me, leaning her light weight agaist my chest. Hiding her face in the crook of my neck, she kept grasping the fabric of my shirt almost desperately; there was urgency in her touch.

I gathered in my arms, holding her close to my heart. Because she belonged there, in my arms and in my heart, and it had been way too long since I had been able to hold her this way.

"Promise me," she whispered against my neck. "Promise me that you won't blame yourself for anything - everything else I can handle, but not that."

I breathed her in as I held her, wanting to give her the words she wanted to hear, but feeling unable to do so. Her safety had been my responsibility, and that responsibility was a privilege to me; an honor. And I couldn't help but feel that I had failed her. Failed her by not being present when she had needed my protection, and failed her by not preventing those awful things that had been done to her. Every scar on her back was my doing; every teeth mark shouted my guiltiness. Every flinch on her body, every gaze of those darkened eyes belonged to me; those things chased away my sanity.

"I won't distress you with my feelings of guilt anymore," I whispered, brushing my lips against her hair. "But I only so ardently wish that I could have prevented those horrible things from happening to you."

Bella was silent. I felt her fingers flexing and opening against my chest, and it made me wonder if she was studying the bracelet again. She seemed to keep a careful watch over it.

"I'm fine," she whispered eventually, her words so quiet that it was difficult to hear them.

I tightened my hold of her spontaneuously, swallowing the venom creeping up my throat. "Are you?" I asked, with words as quiet as hers had been.

It wasn't difficult to notice the tenseness of her muscles, and I expected her to push herself away from me. But instead, I felt the tips of her fingers digging into my shoulders with a strength that nearly caused pain. But even though she seemed to seek my proximity, and even though she didn't reject me physically as I had thought she would, she evaded me with words.

"Don't," she whispered. Her voice was so small and quiet that I didn't have a heart to press her any further, deciding that it would be the best to let the time pass. So much had happened during the last hours, and I knew it must be extremely disorienting for her - it would be wrong of me to make her speak of those things she had just been able to escape from.

I let out a breath, and drew in one; the scent of her hair was intoxicating. How long had I prayed for moments such as this, how many times had I wished that I wouldn't lose these small fragments of time. How had I prayed that I wouldn't lose _her_.

Now I had an answer for my prayers, for those short moments spent in despair.

"It's alright," I whispered. "You don't have to talk about it now."

Her small frame relaxed against me, and I felt her let out the breath she had been holding. Her fingers flexed against my shoulder again, and then closed.

"I missed you," she whispered.

The familiar stinging behind my eyes reminded me of the tears that couldn't be shed. But even though it was impossible for me to shed them, or give a physical form to those tears, it didn't mean that they didn't exist.

Because they existed, those tears, and I had plenty of them to give. They existed in my every touch, in my every word, in every contact my skin made with hers. And with every breath, I wept.

Those were the tears of happiness.

"And I missed you," I whispered against her hair. "There are no words to describe how dearly."

Bella's warm breaths brushed against my skin, and I more felt the words than actually heard them as her lips skimmed over the skin of my neck.

"I didn't think that you'd ever find me," she said quietly.

Once again I loathed myself for not being able to find her sooner, hoping that I could have spared her from waiting for so long; she had lost the hope of being saved. I pressed a kiss against her hair and stroked the back of her neck carefully, avoiding touching her back; I was tempted to soothe her with touches more intensely, but I had to refrain. She still seemed so timid.

"I'm sorry that it took so long," I whispered. "If there had been a need, I would have continued forever until I had found you."

Her fingers clasping my shoulders tightened momentarily. "Really?" she asked quietly.

"Really," I breathed, drawing back from her so I could see her face. Bella's dark eyes were incredulous, but there was also emotion in them; she wanted to believe my words. "I would follow you to the ends of the earth," I stated. It felt almost silly to say out loud such a self-evident truth.

There was a glimmer of smile in Bella's eyes. It was only a shadow of those bright smiles that had adorned her lips in the past, and I knew there was a long road to walk until I could witness one again. But I was grateful in any case, for that small flicker of light belonged to her eyes, just as the sun belonged to the sky.

Just as she belonged with me.

Bella's fingers curled around the fabric of my shirt, her eyes meeting mine before she lowered her gaze.

"What happened before you found me?" she asked quietly. "Why Victoria left before you came?"

I stroked her chin gently with my fingers. "Are you sure you want hear all this now?" I asked. "Perhaps we should wait until you get stronger - you need to hunt soon. I'm sure you're still very thirsty."

Bella's other hand lifted to her throat. She seemed to be deep in thought as she did that, her brow creasing slightly.

"It's not that bad anymore," she said to me, but the darkness of her eyes caused me to be unconvinced. Or perhaps the thirst truly didn't feel that severe any longer; maybe after weeks of spending in thirst caused the burn to feel more dull. But that didn't erase her need of blood.

Bella met my gaze as I pondered, her hand dropping from her throat.

"I'm fine," she insisted. "I want to know what happened - Rosalie and Carmen wouldn't tell me."

"They didn't want you to worry too much," I explained, tucking a lock of hair behind her ear. "And it's a long story, to be honest."

The look in Bella's eyes was familiarly decisive. "I want to hear it," she insisted quietly, dropping her hands to open her other palm, revealing the small silver item resting on it. Her fingers clasped closed again. "How did you find me?"

"Alice," I stated simply, deciding to share the short version of the story with Bella to ease her mind. "It proved to be quite a challenge to find you, and if Alice didn't have her visions, it would have been impossible."

Bella's fingers fiddled with the cuff of my shirt. "Did she see me?" she asked with a hushed voice. "Where I was?"

"Sometimes," I answered, a jolt of pain stinging in my heart to hear the sadness in her voice. "But she couldn't tell the exact location. And she couldn't see Victoria, either."

"Why not?" Bella asked, lifting her eyes momentarily.

"Someone else made the decisions for her," I explained, "and Alice couldn't see where she was. And we had no knowledge of those other vampires aiding her, so Alice couldn't see them either."

Bella nodded, opening her other hand again and gazing at the bracelet. It made me wonder the reason behind that small action - it was as if she was making sure that she still had it. Her eyes left the bracelet after a while, and she looked at me, seeming puzzled because of my sudden silence.

I continued quietly, telling shortly about our meeting and exchange of information with the Volturi, and how we had started to track Laurent across the continent while Eleazar tried to find Victoria with the help of the Volturi.

"Victoria has a gift that allows her to sense danger," I explained. "That's why the task was so challenging."

Bella frowned at my words at first, but then she closed her eyes, an expression of realization evident in her features.

"That's how she knew," she murmured to herself, shaking her head. I was just about to ask what she meant with her words when she spoke again.

"How could you know where to find me, then?" she wanted to know. "If she knew that you were coming - when she sensed that you were about to find her, why didn't she escape and take me with her?"

"She did escape," I stated. "But we only made sure that she had no chances to take you with her."

Bella met my gaze more directly and bluntly than ever before during the last hours. There was curiousness in her eyes, the hollow shades of darkness nearly disappearing from her irises.

"How?" she asked.

I swallowed, feeling compelled to end the conversation there. But Bella's relentless gaze bored into my eyes, and I knew she wouldn't relent until hearing the rest.

"As a matter of fact, it was your action that helped us to find you in the end," I revealed. Bella raised her brow, looking both surprised and confused.

"I don't understand," she murmured.

"Alice had a vision of you several days ago," I explained, having an odd sensation of my mouth going dry. I licked my lips, grasping Bella's hands gently. "She saw one of Victoria's pawns bringing a human to you."

Bella flinched slightly, her eyes taking a darker shade.

"And they did," she breathed, her frame shivering slightly. "They brought two."

"And I'm very sorry that you had to endure that," I whispered, tracing her jawline tenderly. "All we could do was to follow Alice's visions, hoping that they would reveal to us the place you were. We knew we were getting close when the Volturi tracked Victoria to the same province where Laurent was; Alice had received a vision of them meeting each other at some point."

Bella listented silently as I spoke. Then she frowned, another shiver rippling through her frame.

"Laurent was with her all this time," she said softly.

"Yes," I confirmed. "It surprised me at first somewhat, although perhaps it shouldn't have."

"Have you found him?" Bella asked, her gaze flicking to me before she lowered her gaze. She seemed to be somewhere far away again; the look in her eyes was absent.

"No," I answered. "Jasper and the Denali sisters went after him and Victoria while the rest of us left to find you."

Bella lifted her eyes from the floor. "How did you know where I was?"

"Alice had a vision of you," I began cautiously. "She couldn't tell accurately what was occurring. She only saw you being furious about something, and then attacking Victoria." I studied Bella's expression, but received no reaction from her. Her gaze was on the floor of the room, her expression almost negligent, but I thought I could see a small flare of crossness in her eyes.

I couldn't describe with words what I had gone through when Alice had told me about her vision. My fear for Bella had consumed me as I had thought about the consequences of her attack, and I had found myself wondering what had infuriated her so to make her do that. It could have ended very badly.

"Victoria wasn't pleased about your action, as you may guess," I continued quietly. "She was consumed by wrath, and decided to bring yet another human to taunt you. But only now she decided to do it herself instead of having one of her accomplices to do it." I paused momentarily, feeling my insides boil because of Victoria's malice. Alice had told me that Victoria's intention was to bring that human alive to Bella, because it would have been much harder for her to resist. I decided to leave that information out, not wanting to upset Bella more than I had to.

"But that decision made in outburst of anger was the crucial factor to lead us to you," I continued. "Alice saw her decision to capture that human, and she also saw Laurent reuniting with Victoria during the same night. We were already close to Laurent because we had been tracking him for the past weeks, and all we had to do was to follow him."

Bella swallowed quickly, closing her eyes. "Did she succeed?" she asked quietly. "Did she kill that human?"

I shook my head, reassuring that Victoria's possible victim was unharmed. "She sensed us before she could take any action," I explained. "She had no time to return to the place where you were, and she escaped with Laurent. Two of her pawns escaped with her, but Alice confirmed a few moments ago that one of them is dead."

"What about the other two?" Bella asked, seeming relieved that Victoria hadn't managed to harm the third human like she had planned. Her selflessness amazed me; here she was, after weeks of pain and trial, and she was worried about the welfare of a human she didn't even know.

"We couldn't find anyone else," I answered. "We followed Victoria's scent to a large lake, but of course we lost the trace because of the water. But we already knew that you could possibly be on an island, and so in the end it was rather easy to locate you, compared to everything else. We found you, but there was no one else on the island - it's plausible that the other two vampires escaped as they heard or saw our arrival."

Bella closed her eyes again, lowering her head.

"She did it," she murmured quietly. Her words were only a frail breath, nearly impossible to hear.

I frowned. "I'm sorry?" I asked, not able to understand.

Bella opened her eyes, the dark depths tormented. She avoided my gaze, and her voice was dull and empty as she spoke. She seemed to struggle to get the words out, as if she was forcing herself to speak.

"She did it," she repeated, a hand over her eyes. "Victoria - she had Edward and Esme killed." There was fear in her voice - panic.

"I know," I whispered, trying to calm her.

Bella dropped the hand from her face, raising her head to look at me.

"You do?" she asked.

"Yes," I answered. "We realized it after you had disappeared - Rosalie recognized one of the vampires who took you."

Bella opened her mouth to say something, but quiet steps coming from the next room interrupted her. The bathroom door opened, revealing Alice and Rosalie.

"Hey," Alice greeted, giving Bella a small smile before gazing at me. There was worry in her golden eyes, although I could tell that she was trying to hide it. I noted the small cell phone in her hand, wondering who she had been talking to.

"Is everything well?" I asked, attempting to sound carefree. But my mind was swarming with troubling thoughts already, and I wondered if something had happened to Jasper or Emmett, or to someone of the Denalis. But another look towards Alice managed to settle me somewhat. She wouldn't look so calm if something had occurred.

"Yes," Alice answered. She gave Bella a quick glance, seeming unsure if she should explain while she was present. I understood her hesitance, not wanting Bella to start worrying over things that she couldn't help.

"I just spoke to Jasper," Alice stated eventually.

Bella was still partly sitting in my lap, and I could feel her form stiffening. She started to push herself up, and I moved quickly, pulling her to her feet.

"It's okay," Rosalie said. "He and Emmett are alright - Eleazar and the other Denalis as well. It's just going to take a little longer until they can come back."

"I see," I nodded, feeling compelled to ask more, but Bella's fingers grasping my sleeve made me refrain. I had no wish to hide anything from her, but I didn't want her to worry about Jasper and the others. She had endured enough already.

A door opened and closed in the next room, and soon Carmen appeared.

"The cars are ready," she informed.

Alice nodded. "The sun is up in a few hours," she explained to me. "I thought it would be best if we left before that. There's no reason for us to stick in here any longer."

"I agree," I answered, glancing at Bella. I wrapped my arm around her shoulders cautiously, drawing her against my side. There was confusion in her eyes, and she gazed at Alice and Rosalie, presumably worried about Jasper's and Emmett's delay.

I knew that the others were worried as well. Rosalie and Carmen were both gazing at each other silently, and even Alice was more quiet than usually. I knew she wasn't completely focusing on the company around her, because her focus was on the future once again.

I wondered what had transpired during the last moments that had them all so worried. A part of me already suspected that Victoria's trace was lost once again, but it shouldn't be too difficult to find it once more with so many vampires searching for her.

"Are you ready to go home?" I asked from Bella, starting to steer her out of the room. She still seemed to be absent, and she frowned at my words for a while before answering.

"Yeah," she whispered. "I guess."

Her lack of enthusiasm didn't offend me. So much had happened today, and I felt quite disoriented myself. And my mind was still worrying over Jasper and Emmett, Eleazar, Kate, Irina and Tanya, praying and hoping that it wouldn't be too long until they could return to us again. I was fearing for their safety, and the small, vindictive part of myself was hoping that I could be with them, searching for those who had harmed Bella.

But even though my mind was worrying and fearing, my heart was rejoicing.

Because Bella was here.

The dawn was still far away, but my own sunrise had already arrived; the one that warmed me more than anything. The one that adorned and embellished my world with colors and feelings that I couldn't exist without. The world around me was no longer shadowed with grey; no shades of darkness shaded my path. And the sensation of coldness didn't invade my heart any longer, for I was very warm. Warm, and happy, and so very complete.

My sunrise was here, with me.

* * *

**AN: **Hello again! I was banging my head against the wall with this one, but eventually it turned out okay. The next chapter is pretty much already written inside my head, but now I only have to put it on paper. I'll post it as soon as I can. A few days back I was having a slight... _lack of inspiration _you might say. I wouldn't call it a writer's block exactly - I knew where I had to go with the story, but I just couldn't figure out _how_ to get there. It's all better now, thank goodness.

I really hope you enjoy and have a great summer! :)


	51. Chapter 51: Stray

**Stephenie Meyer owns Twilight :)**

* * *

_**Sleeping in my garden are**_

_**Purple flowers and roses, white lilies.**_

_**My heart, heavy and sad,**_

_**must hide its bitter pain from the flowers.**_

_**I don't want the flowers to know**_

_**of my life's torments.**_

_**If they knew of my suffering**_

_**they would cry in sympathy.**_

_**Hush, the lilies and purple flowers**_

_**are sleeping.**_

_**I don't want them to know of my sorrow,**_

_**for if they see me crying**_

_**They will die.**_

- Rafael Hernandez -

* * *

**Stray**

BPOV

The passing sceneries were only a blur to my eyes, the colors rushing by blending together until forming a chaotic mess of green and grey. The air filtering through the vents was dry and warm, the dusty flavor carried by the wind reminding me of the heat of Arizona. There had been a time when I had enjoyed that familiar feel of heat against my skin. But now, relishing those memories not only brought pain, but also anguish.

The air was as dry as I was, the sceneries around me as barren and withered as my spirit.

Carlisle cleared his throat quietly beside me. His fingers tapped against the steering wheel for a moment before he spoke. There was something restless and troubled in that small movement.

"There's a line of mountains coming up soon," he said, turning his gaze away from the road to glance at me. "And there's a very suitable forest for hunt not far from there."

I tried to conjure up the words to answer him, tearing my gaze away from the austere sceneries outside the car window. The burning in my throat increased as I thought of hunting, but that was the only reaction I could summon from myself. That instinctive reminder told me that I was in need of a hunt, but otherwise the thought wasn't at all appealing.

"We don't have to stop because of me," I answered, giving Carlisle a quick glance. He was watching me intently, a small frown furrowing his brow. "I'm sure that Rosalie and the others want to continue without breaks."

It was a feeble protest. We had been driving for hours already, and I was sure that the speed we were traveling with ensured that we would be back to Vancouver within hours.

Back to Vancouver.

Back to home.

"It's no trouble," Carlisle assured. "And I'm sure that getting some fresh air would be welcome for all of us."

I turned my gaze back to the road. The brake lights of the black car speeding ahead of us flashed quickly, as if to signal that the others had heard Carlisle's suggestion. Alice probably had seen it; she was riding with Carmen and Rosalie in that car.

"Yeah, I guess," I consented quietly, feeling too tired to argue.

Carlisle drew in a quiet breath to say something, but he hesitated, eventually staying silent.

I wondered what he had felt the need to say while feeling unsure enough to stop himself from speaking. He had been acting that way all the time. He would begin to say something, only to stay silent. As if he was worried about upsetting me if he spoke. I wasn't much better - I wanted to ask what was on his mind, but the words disappeared somewhere everytime I tried to speak.

It took a moment until the mountains Carlisle had mentioned could be seen. We were quiet for the whole time as the minutes passed by, just as we had been during the most of the drive. It was difficult to decipher that silence between us; I couldn't decide if there was peace in it or not. Tension or not. Abnormality or not.

That mix of different sensations described my current emotional state quite well. It was as if I was lost in myself, wandering inside my own mind without any direction. Because I didn't know which direction to choose; what emotion to go through.

But I guess it was one of those things. You couldn't always choose your emotions, just like you couldn't always choose between two options. The decision simply wasn't always in your hands. And sometimes, the direction you were headed at was more like drifting than any conscious resolve to move forward.

And so I kept wandering inside my mind, trying not be lost while attempting to find my own feelings. To find myself. To know whether I was peaceful or not. Tense or not. Abnormal or not.

"Bella?"

Carlisle's voice sounded somewhere far away, and I opened my eyes, not even completely aware that I had closed them. The engine of the car was quiet now, and I saw Alice and Carmen emerging from the vehicle that had stopped a few yards away from us.

I pried my fingers open, starting to slip the simple black string around my wrist. It felt almost wrong to do that. My palm felt empty without the silver object pressing against my skin, but I didn't want to take the risk of losing it somewhere in the woods.

Before I managed to finish the task, warm fingers grasped mine and took the bracelet from me. It made me glance at Carlisle, and he gave me a short smile before starting to wrap the bracelet around my left wrist. There was sadness in that short smile, and also some odd affection. The tips of his fingers brushed above the spot where my pulse should have been throbbing as he tied the black string around my wrist.

And then his touch was gone, and for the first time in a long time I could recognize the emotion going through me as his fingers left my skin.

The forest was full of sounds and smells as we stepped outside. There was something familiar in all that, but at the same time it was as though I had stepped on a foreign planet. Everything was so green and full of life, so vivid. Rich and full, somehow. Thriving and flourishing, while I was standing still. Unable to do any of those things. Unable to feel. Unable to _be_.

Fingers grasped mine, and a strong hand started to pull me forward. Leading, guiding, teaching me those things I had nearly forgotten. I faltered like a child taking the first steps, but the strong hand held on to mine. The wind was warm against my skin, gentle like the touch leading me forward.

But the touch left me eventually again, but this time I understood the reason. It was because my mind was overrun by something else now, and I wasn't me. I wasn't shaped out of the things that resided in my mind; I wasn't the empty and hollow void. The one that couldn't decide between the feelings of peace and turmoil.

Because now, I consisted of instincts and instincts only, of those feral commands created by the predator lurking inside of me. It was nearly fulfilling to be able to let those primal senses to take over. Nearly fulfilling, nearly satisfying, and definitely relieving.

Because I wasn't me.

The wind wasn't warm anymore as I kept running together with it. It was cool, and it was faster than I was; I couldn't keep up with it. It blew past me, leaving me behind, but at the same time it lingered, reminding me of its presence by brushing against the skin of my back. Pushing and urging me forward, as if to encourage. Don't stop, it whispered.

And I didn't, and I realized that for once in my life I wasn't running headwind.

It was nearly a bliss to run so fast, to run so mindlessly without a direction. The notion of inhumanity received a whole another meaning as I kept going, kept listening to the primal instincts that told me not to stop. I surrendered all the control to those instincts, and I did so willingly with no doubts in my mind.

But those instincts that told me to keep running, also told me when it was time to slow down. And they told me when it was time to prowl, and when it was time to stop and wait silently.

And I waited, very silently, but not for long.

I pounced. The blood pooling into my mouth was hot, and it tasted like pine and grass, like ozone in the air before the rain begins. And I knew that soon it would be over. That soon the air around me would be warm again, and soon the time would start mattering. No more running with the wind, no more listening to its whispers. No more inhumanity, no more freedom or relief.

And I wondered, was it like this when life began? When you had to face it, instead of hiding from it?

The thought made me tired, and it made me empty. It made me _me_.

And then I noticed. There was something missing. Something else that made me who I was. Something vital and important, something so imperative that I might stop existing without it.

Warm hands touched my shoulders, enveloping me in an embrace from behind. And I was less broken, more whole and somehow very complete.

A warm breath against my neck, a soft kiss on the surface of my skin.

His whisper was as tender as the wind.

"Are you alright?" he asked, tightening his embrace.

There was a part of me that compelled me to answer, compelled me to lie. To say something, anything, to soothe his mind. But the more honest part of me started to roam, probing and wandering, and eventually it was that part of me answering.

"I don't know," I said truthfully.

Another tender kiss on the side of my neck. "Are you still thirsty?"

I glanced at the warm body lying on the ground. The fur coat of the cougar was soft and silky under my fingertips.

I shook my head.

Strong arms started to lift me up from the ground, and after a fraction of a second I was floating in Carlisle's arms.

"I can walk," I protested, but only half-heartedly.

"I know," he answered, leaning closer to brush my forehead with his lips. His voice was oddly serene, a silent contentment hidden in his tenor. As if it was somehow pleasant for him to carry me all the way back. As if he enjoyed it.

I decided not to complain. Closing my eyes, I leaned my head against Carlisle's shoulder, and simply let him carry me the rest of the way.

It took a moment for Alice, Rosalie and Carmen to return back to the cars. As we waited for them, Carlisle lowered me down but he did so very reluctantly, still keeping me enveloped in his embrace after lowering me to my feet. I leaned my head against his chest, silently enjoying that he wanted to keep me close.

The others returned after a minute or two, the three pairs of golden eyes glimmering with golden luster. I studied their expressions as we started to get back in the cars to continue on our way. They were all giving me quick smiles and otherwise seemed to be calm, but I noticed Carlisle quirking his brow at Alice questioningly.

Alice shook her head, the movement so small that it was barely visible. Their wordless conversation troubled me, making me wonder what they were hiding.

"You didn't hunt," I stated quietly as Carlisle started the engine and steered the car after the black Audi Rosalie was driving.

Carlisle gave me a short smile, shaking his head. "No," he answered. "I'm not thirsty at the moment." His butterscotch eyes held my gaze for a while, as if he was attempting to prove his words true.

I was tempted to ask about his silent conversation with Alice, but eventually I stayed silent. My own curiosity managed to surprise me a bit. Rare things had caught my attention during the last hours - I simply had no energy to focus on the things around me. I felt like I was walking in a thick fog, trying to find my way out of the haze.

A quiet buzz coming from Carlisle's pocket caught my attention. I glanced at my left, studying his expression for a moment as he dug the cell phone out of his pocket and started to read the text message he had received. This was one of those rare things that I could focus on; one of those rare things that managed to bring me ease. Seeing Carlisle, and being able to watch him was a relief for my tired eyes. There was peace in him, some sort of calmness that made the breathing easier. Made the existing easier.

And so I watched him, expecting to see the calm expression he always wore. Even though concern and worry had shaded his eyes during the last hours, there was always peace in those golden pools of light, and I craved that peace. I craved his presence. I craved _him_.

But the peace was suddenly gone from him as I watched him. My eyes took in his clenched jaw, his tense posture, the angry flare in his eyes. I watched the golden luster disappearing from his irises as he stared at the small screen of the cell phone. A quiet breath escaped between his teeth; there was frustration in that sound. If it had been any louder, it would have resembled an angry hiss.

Carlisle never hissed. Not when he was angry, anyway, and he rarely was.

My lips were moving, forming words without my approval.

"What's wrong?" I asked.

Carlisle glanced at me quickly, and it almost seemed like he had momentarily forgotten that I was here. The cell phone disappeared in the depths of his pockets again, and he gave me a reassuring smile. The peace in him was back again, the short moment of agitation gone from him. But his smile, meant to reassure, didn't quite reach his eyes.

"Nothing," he assured, reaching out with his hand to clasp my fingers. His touch remained, and I felt the small sun made of silver pressing against my wrist between our linked hands.

Carlisle's gaze left my eyes, settling on the road ahead of us. He looked as serene as he always did, and as much as I wanted to keep it that way, I knew that I had to know. I knew there was something behind that serene facade, something he didn't want me to know.

"What was that about?" I asked. "Who sent you the message?"

Carlisle looked at me again, his fingers tightening around my hand. "It was Alice," he answered hesitantly.

Alice. I wondered why she hadn't called instead of sending the message. It gave me the feeling that there was something they didn't want me to hear. That something had gone wrong, and they were trying to hide it from me.

"Has something happened?" I pressed, starting to feel claustrophobic. Jasper and Emmett along with the Denalis were still after Victoria and her minions, and if something had happened...

"Not really," Carlisle answered. He avoided looking at my direction, locking his gaze on the road ahead of us.

I started to feel slightly chagrined now. Not knowing what was going on was a lot more stressful than being completely oblivious of everything. Carlisle had been hushing and soft-pedaling everything for hours now - I knew he did it because he didn't want me to worry.

But what difference did it make? I would worry nonetheless, especially if I didn't know what was happening around me.

"What are you hiding from me?" I asked, some of the frustration shining through in my voice.

Carlisle glanced at me, quirking his brow. He looked at me for a whole minute before he sighed quietly, turning his head away and running a hand over his eyes. His fingers clasped mine again, giving my hand a gentle squeeze.

"I wish you wouldn't be so concerned," he murmured, sounding oddly tired.

"But I am concerned," I answered. "Because you refuse to tell me anything. If something has happened - if Alice texted you to say that - "

Carlisle shook his head, glancing at me again. He frowned quickly, wetting his lips.

"Jasper and Emmett are alright," he assured. "As is Eleazar, and the other Denalis."

"What's wrong then?" I pressed.

Carlisle's jaw clenched.

"There's been a ... difference of opinion, you could say," he answered with a tight voice.

"With who?"

Another sigh, another clench of his jaw. "With the Volturi," he sighed. "It seems that their motive is completely different than they led us to believe."

Carlisle's eyes flared again, and it was slightly unsettling to witness this new side of him. During the last few hours there had been anger in him, some sort of wrath and hatred that I had never witnessed before. It troubled me - I wasn't _afraid _of him per se, but his demeanor did manage to perturb me somewhat.

The dry air scorched my throat, and I clasped Carlisle's hand tighter, as if that small gesture could banish all the unease and anxiety. The small sun made of silver pressed between our skins. And I realized that this was _Carlisle_, and if he was angry, there was a good reason for it.

"What did the Volturi do?" I wanted to know. "What do you mean when you say that they have a different motive?"

Carlisle frowned, closing his eyes for a moment before starting to speak. "Do you remember when I told you earlier, that Victoria has escaped from the Volturi before?"

"Yeah," I answered, remembering the moment in the motel hours ago when Carlisle had told me about their search. "You said that she belonged to a coven that grew too large, right?"

Carlisle nodded. "The Volturi destroyed most of that coven, but Victoria managed to escape because she sensed the danger directed at them." The tips of Carlisle's fingers pressed against my hand suddenly, but then he eased his hold, drawing in a deep breath as if to force himself to calm down.

"And it seems," he continued, "that her gift to sense the danger has roused the Volturi's interest."

It took a few seconds until I comprehended his words, and a moment more before I understood the consequences.

"They want Victoria," I stated simply.

Carlisle's mouth was tight, and he turned his gaze to look at me. "Aro is fascinated by her gift," he said. "It might not be that impressive than some other talents he has managed to gather over the centuries, but it's still useful. Aro has the need to feel safe; he craves the safety perhaps more than he craves the power. And Victoria can offer him that safety."

"Because she can sense the threats nearing her," I finished for him. A thought came to me, but I had to abandon it already before I could finish the notion; if Victoria refused to join the Volturi out of her own free will, they could always use Chelsea's powers to tie her to the Volturi.

"Aren't they breaking their owns laws by doing this?" I asked. "I thought that they don't give second chances - and if Victoria has broken their laws by being part of a too large coven in the past... " I shook my head, the amount of information and news starting to baffle me. But at the same time I was glad to distract my mind with something. It was better than to face the other thoughts haunting me constantly.

"They are the Volturi," Carlisle said simply. His jaw clenched again, and he let out a frustrated breath. Worry mingled with the exasperation, and I felt the same worry conquering my own mind.

"What does this mean for Jasper and the others?" I wondered out loud.

"I'm not quite sure yet," Carlisle mused, but his frown told me that he wasn't exactly honest. And I knew he was starting to think along the same lines as I was.

Because I knew that Jasper and the others were chasing Victoria in order to eliminate her. And if the Volturi wanted her alive, it meant that they wouldn't let anyone kill her.

"What if they start fighting?" I asked, starting to feel horrified.

"It's unlikely that it comes to that," Carlisle reassured. "I'm sure they'll avoid conflicts as well as possible, and Eleazar can be very diplomatic. His past with the Volturi is helpful, and I'm hoping that he's able to negotiate with them about this."

"What if they don't negotiate?" I asked.

Carlisle turned his head to look at me. It was difficult to decipher the expression on his face - I had never seen him like that.

"Don't worry about anything," he reassured, piercing me with his golden gaze. "I won't let this end this way. I intend to keep you safe."

His words made me shiver.

"But I am safe," I whispered. "I'm with you."

Carlisle didn't say anything. He only lifted my hand to his mouth, brushing my knuckles gently with his lips. There was a silent promise in that gesture, a vow made without any words.

That vow made me afraid.

* * *

The large cream-coloured house peeked behind the ancient pines as we neared. I was almost afraid to look at it. Afraid that it had changed during my absence, changed and transformed into something totally different than I remembered. But as much as I feared that it was different, I also feared the possibility that it hadn't changed at all. That it had stayed the same.

And so I didn't look at it. I kept my gaze strictly on the car driving ahead of us, focusing on the red brake lights as it stopped. I focused on the three inhumanly beautiful women emerging from the car, and I focused on the stone pavement beneath my feet as I stepped outside myself. My eyes took in the formerly neat and well-kept yard that now looked nearly abandoned. The lawn was overgrown and bushy, resembling a wild garden more than someone's front yard.

And everything was so_ green_. The last time I had stood here, I had watched as the surroundings of the house had started to bloom and flourish, waking up slowly after the winter. But now everything was different. The spring was gone now. Even though I was standing still, everything else was moving forward. Blossoming, unfolding.

Living.

Quiet words penetrated into my mind, and I summoned myself from my thoughts. It was so easy to drown in those thoughts and forget everything else.

I glanced at the simple bracelet around my wrist, considering taking it off and holding it in my hand instead. It'd be a little impractical, but I didn't care. There was something comforting in the feel of it against my skin.

But before I could take any action, felt Carlisle's gaze on me. I realized that I had been very silent for the whole time, and he was probably worried by now. I turned to him, still avoiding to look at the house.

If my silence bothered Carlisle, he didn't show it. He only walked over to me after noticing that he had my attention, tucking a lock of hair behind my ear. Like any other day, like any other situation. The simpleness of that small gesture made me feel better for some reason.

I could see that they were all trying to act normally and like nothing else was going on. Alice made her way into the house, Carmen at her tail, while Rosalie took both of the cars into the garage. The place seemed so empty and quiet without Jasper and Emmett fighting over who gets to use the jeep for their next hunting trip.

Eventually I had to go inside as well, and I couldn't understand why it felt so difficult. The walls were the same, the floors were the same, even the smell inside the house was the same, and I didn't know why those few simple things that hadn't changed at all felt so surprising.

It was like an instinct to go straight to the fourth floor. The urge to see the blue room and feel the calm of it was compelling. I needed to know if it still possessed that same calm. I needed to know if it had changed. I needed to be sure that it wasn't different.

I needed to know that even if I had changed during my absence, nothing else had.

I kept my eyes closed as I entered, and it took a while until I could get up the nerve and open them again.

And then, I was surrounded by the bluest of blue. Blue that was darker than the summer sky, but fairer than the heavens before the night began. It was just the right shade of blue, the one you couldn't compare to any other colors or decribe with words. You could try, but fail for sure.

I sweeped the room with my eyes, my gaze falling on the withered rose on the bedside table. My steps were taking me closer without any conscious decision. Taking the rose in my hand very carefully, I breathed in the scent that had mostly faded already. The tiny particles of dust flew in the air, and I gazed at them, silently admiring their simple beauty.

The door of the room closed very quietly. Carlisle's soft steps neared, and he hesitated before sitting down on the bed close to me. I lowered the rose back on the table, reaching out with my finger to touch the thin layer of dust covering the wooden surface.

It made me ask the question that had played on my lips for the past moments.

"How long has it been?" I asked, studying the grey dust at the tip of my forefinger. "How long was I... gone?"

Carlisle drew in a slow breath. I turned to him to see caution in his golden eyes.

"A little over three months," he answered, watching my reaction. "It's the end of August."

I sat down on the bed to get more time to think. To react. I didn't know how to react; I didn't know if the information upset me or not. Three months - it didn't seem such a long time to lose, and quite frankly, my time spent in that dark room seemed much more longer than three months.

I let out a breath, studying the forest and mountains outside the glass wall. "I missed most of the summer," I murmured eventually, and I hadn't even realized until now how much I had looked forward to that short period of year. It seemed silly to regret a little thing like that. So silly and insignificant compared to everything else. But it was a simple thing to regret, and there was nothing complicated about it. Somehow it was more easy to accept that small grievance, and I craved that ease.

Carlisle reached out with his arm, drawing me carefully against his side. The tip of his nose pressed against my hair, his lips tickling the skin of my temple.

"I know," he answered quietly, sounding apologizing. "But there will always be the next summer," he comforted. "There will be a thousand summers ahead of us."

"I know," I sighed, starting to feel a little foolish. Carlisle was feeling bad enough already, and it was obvious that he blamed himself for not finding me sooner. And I didn't want him to feel guilty, because there was nothing he should feel guilty about.

But _I_ felt guilty as I turned my head to gaze at Carlisle. The ever-continuing worry shadowed his golden eyes, and I knew that I caused those feelings in him. I was behind those cautious gestures and worried glances because of my own behaviour.

And finally, I felt something. That small sting of guilt managed to bring me alive somewhat; the feeling was incisive, and it was real, and somehow it managed to make me more real.

"I'm sorry," I said, even though I knew that those two words didn't tell him nearly enough.

A confused frown furrowed his brow. "About what?" he asked

I shrugged. "For making you constantly worry. And for being so impassive all the time. I don't mean to."

Carlisle gave me a small smile. "That's no reason for an apology," he stated with a quiet voice. "I understand if this all confuses you. So much has happened."

I nodded mutely. The feeling of weariness was peculiar; my body was as strong as ever, but mentally I felt exhausted. Somehow I felt like I should be peaceful now, even contended. Because of where I was. The walls around me were the calming shade of blue instead of the coarse, rocky material. And the arms around me were tender and comforting, meant to cherish and nurture instead of mortifying and humiliating...

I shivered.

My fingers searched the bracelet around my hand, and I turned my wrist to see the tiny sun made of silver. And it reminded me again; shouldn't I be happy now? It was over, all that was behind me now. No more words of malice, no more sharp teeth piercing my skin, no more cool breaths against my neck...

Carlisle's voice called out to me, drawing me away from the dark corners of my mind.

His golden eyes watched me intently, and he raised his hand to brush his fingers against my cheek. I leaned into his touch, closing my eyes momentarily and trying to rid myself of the dark memories.

"What happens now?" I asked, and I wasn't sure if my question was a direct one or not. It was mostly a question to myself; what would happen now? Why couldn't I feel what I was supposed to feel?

Carlisle's arm tightened around me. "We wait," he answered simply. "Jasper and Emmett will be home with the Denalis before long, and then..."

He fell silent, and I had a feeling that even he had difficulties to answer my question, and it made me wonder if he felt as confused as I did. If he was as lost as I was.

"Then what?" I asked.

Carlisle's chin pressed against the top of my head. His arm tightened around my shoulders again, and he grasped my fingers with his other hand. There was confidence in his voice, simpleness in his words, and those were the two things I needed to hear at the moment.

"Life goes on," he whispered.

I closed my eyes, the blue room around me disappearing. The darkness took me away again, and I wondered if I could ever leave that behind; if I could ever escape from it. Could I ever feel Carlisle's tender touch, and not remember and think of those harsh gestures my skin seemed to recall constantly?

I opened my eyes again to leave the darkness. But even when surrounded by blue, surrounded by the walls that should have been my home, I couldn't feel it. I couldn't feel the peace that I craved, and I couldn't say the words I wanted to say. It would be some simple to say 'I'm happy to be home.' So simple, but not at all easy.

Tender words were whispered into my ear, but I couldn't hear them. Warm hands held me close, but I couldn't feel it. I couldn't feel the warmth, and I couldn't hear the love.

And I craved those two things more than I craved the peace.

* * *

Hours passed by, transforming into days. It was peculiar to be able to measure the pass of time after spending an endless period of it in a place where the seconds and minutes didn't exist. Where the hours and days didn't exist. Where nothing really existed.

Where I had existed, but only barely. And now, as I watched the sky changing colors from dull grey to darker grey, and evetually to bluish dusk, my only reaction was to watch that alteration of colors with bewilderment. I didn't know why a simple thing like that had me so confused. But at the same time I could feel something else. Beneath the confusion, beneath the feeling that could be called novelty, there was an odd contentment. The time didn't stand still anymore. It satisfied me more than it probably should have - an ordinary thing like that shouldn't have felt so surprising. It wasn't rational to be so thrilled over something as normal as the nightfall.

Soundless footsteps neared somewhere behind me. They were light and brisk, just like the owner of those steps. But there was something contained in that quick pace, something careful and cautious. It was so unlike her to be that way, and I found myself hoping that she wouldn't tiptoe around me like everyone else did.

She sat down beside me on the balcony floor, sliding her lean legs between the ornamental railings. Then she only stayed silent for a while before starting to swing her legs over the edge like a little girl. It almost had me smiling; even if everything else changed, Alice never would.

"Anything new?" I asked, and I was slightly surprised that my voice wasn't hoarse because of the lack of use.

Alice shook her head. "Not much," she answered, and I glanced at her quickly, wanting to see the honesty in her eyes. I didn't know why I was immediately doubting her words. It just seemed to me that everyone were hushing around me, cushioning me from everything. Even though I understood the reason partially, I started to feel quite frustrated because of it.

"Where did Carlisle go?" I asked, sweeping the forests and mountains with my gaze as if to search him. It wouldn't have surprised me even if I had been able to see a flash of his golden hair amongst the trees. He had rarely left me alone during these past three days after we had come home, and it seemed to be a real stuggle for him when he did. His intense watch over me didn't annoy me; it only made me feel oddly warm.

But now, he had disappeared a few moments ago, saying that he wouldn't be far. I couldn't blame him for leaving. I hadn't exactly been very conversational lately.

Alice bit her lip, shrugging as she brushed her finger against the balcony floor. She seemed to hesitate with her answer. "He's trying to reach Eleazar," she answered eventually. I felt gratitude towards her - Alice seemed to be the only one to think that I could handle knowing about the situation. "So far no success."

It made me instantly alert. "Why not?" I asked, starting to worry that something bad had happened. They were all carrying cell phones with them - why wouldn't they answer?

Alice sighed quietly. "Everything's fine," she reassured me, knowing what I was thinking. "As fine as it can be, considering the situation. I'm monitoring them almost constantly, and at the moment they are somewhere in Nunavut. The Volturi are with them, but they move in separate groups. Maybe it's better that way."

"Why does Carlisle want to contact them," I asked, "if you're able to tell him exactly where Jasper and the others are?"

"Carlisle's frustrated," Alice answered, turning her golden eyes to look at me. "He can't accept this new situation."

"You mean that the Volturi want Victoria?"

Alice nodded. "It leaves us all in danger, but mostly you. That's why Carlisle is so edgy all the time."

I thought back those few short moments I had witnessed in the motel room and on our way home. The concealed anger in Carlisle, the quick flash of fury in his eyes... He hadn't been openly angry, and I hadn't exected him to. It simply wasn't like him to be angry, but now there was something new in him, something I had never seen before.

"I've never seen him like that," I admitted to Alice.

She reached out to touch my hand. "He's worried about you," she said. "He's afraid that something is going to happen to you again. And he simply won't allow it."

"I'm not the only one at risk," I argued silently. I closed my eyes, and suddenly I was in the dark room again. The walls made of stone surrounded me, and Victoria's venomous voice echoed in the darkness.

_"I won't leave things unfinished,"_ she whispered to me. _"I will be very thorough - the rest of your dear Cullens will all have their own turn. But don't worry... I'll save your beloved Carlisle for last."_

A shiver rippled through me. But the brief moment of horror and fear was short-lived; Victoria's voice filled my mind again, and an electrical current traveled through my body.

_"I'll save your beloved Carlisle for last."_

And I felt _anger_. Simple, pure anger after reliving that moment. The same anger I had experienced not that long ago - had it only been a few days since she had spoken those words of threat?

"She won't rest until she has all of our heads," I whispered, more to myself than to Alice.

Alice drew in a cautious breath. "Is that what she told you?" she asked carefully.

I nodded. My eyer searched hers again, and I asked the question that suddenly occupied my mind. "Did you see it?" I asked.

Alice lowered her gaze, suddenly sorrowful. "I didn't see you all the time," she murmured, not directly answering my question. "Only when I really focused - your future was too tied to those who I didn't know. The visions I had of you were sometimes very obscure, but I knew you were alive. And I knew that they were hurting you."

_Fingers pressing against my sensitive skin, sharp teeth piercing the skin of my back..._

Alice observed me, again reaching out to touch my hand. "I'm sorry, Bella," she whispered. "I'm sorry that I couldn't help you."

I shook my head at her apologies. The air in my lungs was poisoned, and I had to will myself to remember how to breathe again. "I'm sorry you had to see that," I stated quietly, again wondering how accurate her visions had been. It felt simply awful to think that Alice had seen me in such state. It made me feel exposed and weak.

"I'm glad that I did see you," Alice announced quietly. "And if I hadn't seen you suddenly attacking Victoria, the current situation would be a lot different."

I thought of the possibility - to still be in that dark room, surrounded by the smell of blood and counting the seconds until _they _would arrive again...

"What made you do that, by the way?" Alice asked, oblivious of my shadowed thoughts.

"What?" I asked, momentarily loosing the trail of conversation.

Alice quirked her brow at me. "Attack Victoria," she said. "The vision of you came so quickly, and I didn't see the occurrence leading to that. It only makes me curious."

I swallowed the venom creeping up my throat. Even though the incident seemed somehow very personal, I had no difficulty revealing it to Alice. The words flowed out of me like a poison, cleansing my depraved soul. But I felt oddly disconnected from the words, just like I had felt disconnected from everything almost the entire time I had been here. I wondered when it would end; when I could be present again.

"She told me that she was behind Edward's and Esme's death," I answered. "I realized that she had been behind everything all along, and that this was her revenge for killing James all those years ago. And then she told me that she's not going to stop until we're all dead." I closed my eyes, only to open them. The eyes of dark red started at me from the darkness, and I didn't want to see them now. I didn't want her to see me. "And then she said something about Carlisle..." I shrugged, still feeling the compelling anger that had stripped me from my humanity. "... and I guess I just snapped. That's it."

A small smile quirked Alice's mouth, surprisingly enough. "I'll have to be more careful around you from now on," she teased. "I didn't know you can be so monstrous."

I suppressed the urge to nudge her. It felt nice to have a light, almost normal conversation with someone.

We were silent for a while, and a thought came to me. One I couldn't avoid for long, and eventually I had to ask about it until going crazy. The memory of bergamot and chamomille filled my memory, the mental image of the red flowing blood conquering my mind.

"Alice," I began, wondering if I was going to regret my question later. "That human they brought to me..." I continued, struggling to form my question. Alice glanced at me worriedly, sympathy filling her eyes. "If you hadn't found me when you did..."

"Bella - " Alice began, but I cut her off before she managed to stop me.

"Did you see me giving up?" I asked. "Did you see me drinking?"

Alice lowered her gaze. "It doesn't matter," she insisted. Her evasion only confirmed what I already knew.

"It does to me."

"No," she shook her head. "It doesn't." I met her steely gaze for a while before turning away.

"Does Carlisle know about it?" I asked, wondering why I was so willing to torture myself a little more.

Alice was silent, answering to my question without words.

I mulled over my thoughts a while, trying to decipher my own feelings when it came to this new revelation. Although it wasn't really a revelation - I had known all along that I couldn't be able to control my thirst for long. I had been lucky that Carlisle and the others had found me when they did. And it had me wondering again; what if they hadn't? What if they had arrived a few hours later, after I had given in to my feral hunger and consumed the blood of that innocent human? The boy had been dead already, but even when I hadn't killed him myself, it didn't erase the fact that my deed would have been dishonorable and shameful.

Carlisle knew that I would have drank. What did he think of me now? Did he see me as a different person? Did I see myself as a different person?

I didn't know.

Something told me that I shouldn't feel so calm about this. That I should react more strongly now when I knew. The old Bella would have thrown a fit after finding out about that there had been a very possible chance for me to return home with my irises reddened by human blood. That Bella would have never forgiven herself, even though the life of that human hadn't been taken by her own hand.

I probed my feelings. Was I upset? Why wasn't I beating myself up, now when I knew that I would have succumbed to the temptation I had fought against for weeks? It would have been nice to think that I simply accepted the situation - that for once, I would be able relate to this difficult matter maturely, without making a huge scene about it. But I wasn't sure if this was the case.

And I realized, that I somehow missed that old me. The one who reacted strongly to the things that mattered to me, to the things I considered important. That obsessive, stubborn perfectionist was a lot more normal than the detached, impassive person I was right now.

I wondered where I had gone, and would I ever get myself back.


	52. Chapter 52: Torn

**Stephenie Meyer owns Twilight :)**

* * *

**_Loss and possession, _**

**_death and life are one, _**

**_There falls no shadow _**

**_where there shines no sun._**

- Hilaire Belloc -

* * *

**Torn**

CPOV

The sky was weeping.

Those cool tears were beating against my skin, the coldness of the icy raindrops scattering and spreading through my body, invading and permeating into my bones until my very core was frozen. Watching the storming sky brought me no ease as I had expected. Usually there was something absorbing and intriguing about the way the air electrified as the thunder raged above the world. Something intriguing, and something very enchanting.

But I wasn't enchanted now. The storm didn't charm me in the way it used to. It only managed to remind me of the turmoil inside of me. It was the same turmoil raving upon the skies that it was in my heart, and I wondered if this storm ever ended; did a calm exist to this storm? Did it exist to me?

Quiet steps neared behind me, but I didn't turn to look. I already knew who had arrived to meet me, even possibly to confront me.

Alice stopped next to me, and for a moment we only stared at the storming skies while the raindrops were beating our skin.

"With every minute you're more decided," she said. Her words weren't reproachful as I had expected them to be. They were more like an acknowledgement.

"And what am I deciding?" I queried.

Alice turned to look at me. "Are you asking because you're doubting your own decision?" she asked. "Or are you asking because you want my opinion?"

"If you have an opinion, I'd like to hear it," I confessed.

"Why?"

I swallowed. "Because I don't know what is right," I whispered. "I'm torn between two matters, and I cannot bring myself to decide what to choose."

"You always do the right thing," Alice answered. There was trust in her words, reliance I didn't feel I desevered at this moment. I was not perfect and without flaws, and I didn't always make the right decisions. Mistakes were something I had done before, and the thought of making one now frightened me.

"What is the most important thing to you?" Alice asked. "What is the matter that consumes your mind right now?"

"To keep Bella safe," I answered with no difficulty. "To keep my whole family safe."

"And how are you going to do that?" Alice asked. I knew she attempted to help me to solve my thoughts. She always had the ability to see things in their clearest.

"By leaving," I sighed.

"And what stops you?" Alice asked. "What keeps you here?"

I closed my eyes. The rain was cold against my skin.

"You know what keeps me here," I sighed. "How could I leave now? Now, when she needs me the most? How can I be by her side and protect her, if I have to leave in order to ensure her safety?"

There was sympathy in Alice's golden eyes. "Do you really feel that Jasper and the others need you that much?" she asked. "I'm not saying that you're useless when it comes to a fight, but what makes you feel that they can't handle this on their own?"

"I have a complete faith in their abilities," I answered. "But there's another reason why I need to go." I ran a hand through my hair, wetting my lips. Alice's gaze was heavy on me.

"It's alright if you want to revenge," she spoke. Her voice was soothing, placating even.

"It's not about the revenge. Not exactly," I whispered. "Or perhaps it is - I can not explain it. I've never had this much difficulty to master myself," I confessed.

"You're angry," Alice stated. "And it's okay to feel that way. It's even expected in this situation. And how could it not," she gave a joyless laugh. "You're the most human of us, Carlisle, but it doesn't mean that you constantly have to suppress your true nature, your true feelings. And being furious is a part of both. It does prove that you're a vampire whose mate has been harmed, but that same fury also makes you more human."

I drew in a deep breath, glancing behind me towards the direction where the house resided. "But will she understand?" I wondered. "I don't want her to think that I'm abandoning her now. The thought of making her endure more hardship..." I shook my head at a loss of words.

"She'll understand," Alice assured. "And when all this is over, and when Victoria is dead and there are no threats hanging above our heads, you both have more time to deal."

"She's not dealing," I said, feeling helpless.

Alice was silent for a moment, also glancing towards the direction of the house.

"Have you tried talking to her?" she asked.

"Of course," I nodded. "But she won't speak to me." I swallowed, brushing a hand over my eyes. The raindrops trickling down my face could have easily been tears.

"Let the time pass," Alice suggested. "She's still so overwhelmed."

'Overwhelmed' was an understatement. During the past six days after we had arrived home, Bella had been more or less absent. Most of the time she seemed to be completely elsewhere, staring off into space while lost in her own thoughts. At times the expression on her face was very calm and peaceful, almost content, and I could see that being back home caused that. And I knew that it brought her happiness to be here, even though she didn't say it out loud.

She hardly said anything out loud. She rarely spoke, or did anything to indicate that she wanted company. It made me wonder if she preferred to be left alone. I could only hope that after some peace and quiet, and being surrounded by people who loved her, she could start healing after her ordeals.

But she couldn't find peace if there was constantly a threat casting shadows on her, and on all of us. Victoria and Laurent needed to be found and soon. I was conflicted again; there was a compelling need to stay by Bella's side, but at the same time I experienced a bloodlust I had never gone through before. The need to protect Bella by finding the ones who had harmed her consumed my mind.

"Have you seen anything new from Jasper and Eleazar?" I asked, turning slowly around and starting to make my way through the woods towards the house.

"Nothing significant," Alice answered, setting her pace to mine. "And I can't be sure if they are very close to finding Victoria. She's blocking me again by letting someone else decide. And I can't see Laurent either."

"It can only mean that they are still moving together," I mused. "Perhaps Victoria has told him not to make conscious decisions to prevent you from seeing them."

Alice nodded. "The only chance we have is to follow their traces."

A sigh escaped my lips. "I can't decide whether or not it's a good thing that the Volturi are there," I pondered. "If Victoria's group splits, we have enough vampires to search each trace, but..." I shook my head.

"But it means that if the Volturi find Victoria first, she'll live," Alice finished for me.

"Exactly." I shook my head, the impossibility of the situation starting to distress me. "Although it doesn't matter who finds Victoria first. This isn't a competition for the Volturi - if they want Victoria, it's unlikely that they negotiate about it."

Alice's eyes were wary. She hesitated before speaking, as if she worried about my reaction after hearing her words. But I already knew what had her so troubled.

"It means that if some of us kill her, the Volturi take it as disobedience towards them," Alice stated cautiously.

The same thought had entered my mind several times. I nodded gravely at her words, knowing very well what it meant if the Volturi saw something as disobedience.

"There has to be a way," Alice murmured, sounding anguished. The situation worried her as much as it worried me. I could only hope that especially Emmett could keep his head cool, and not do something to aggravate the Volturi. I also still kept hoping that Eleazar could be able to convince them that Victoria shouldn't be left alive.

"On the other hand," Alice began, but didn't sound very satisfied, "if the Volturi capture Victoria, at least we know that she won't be able to escape anymore."

"That is true," I consented. "But the thought of letting her live..." I swallowed the venom surging into my mouth. The feeling of anger was consuming.

"I know," Alice sighed. "It sucks."

We fell silent as the house neared. I started to wonder how to explain the situation to Bella, and how to tell her that I was going to leave soon. I didn't want her to be distressed and constantly worry about the safety of her family members along with her own.

I didn't know what I was going to do once joining Jasper and the others. The compelling need to do something erased the fact that my hands were tied when it came to eliminating Victoria. I decided to cross that bridge when I came to it. All I knew was that she couldn't be left alive. My mind was set to that very thought, and I was determined as ever.

Alice disappeared behind the house to the garden where Carmen had spent most of her time during the past days. I knew she missed Eleazar horribly, and taking care of flowers and plants managed to take her mind off things. It was a good distraction, and there was much to do. The place looked quite abandoned after weeks of our absence.

I found Rosalie from my bedroom reading a magazine. She gave me a small smile, nodding towards the balcony. Bella hadn't spent a moment of loneliness after we had found her. There was always someone nearby, and even though she seemed to avoid the company of others right now, she was never truly alone. Everyone seemed to guard and shield her without any spoken agreement.

Rosalie slipped out of the room as I made my way to the glass door. The rain was still pouring down from the skies, and I glanced at the girl sitting on the floor of the balcony. She seemed to be unaware of the soaking rain as she leaned her head against the metal railings.

I lowered myself on my knees beside her, brushing a strand of moist hair away from her cheek.

"Wouldn't you come inside?" I asked quietly.

A bright flash of a lightning illuminated the sceneries. Bella raised her eyes but too late; the lighting had already disappeared.

"I like it here," she answered. Her voice was oddly serene, and she closed her eyes as the raindrops landed on her face.

"Really?" I asked, slightly surprised. Bella usually detested the rain, and I had thought that she was here only to seek solitude, not to enjoy the weather she usually disliked.

"The rain is soothing," she whispered, once again surprising me.

"It is," I had to agree. My eyes devoured the grey sky, and I was so lost in the sight of it that it took a moment before I noticed Bella's wary gaze on me.

"Is something wrong?" she asked. "You look strange."

I gave her a small smile, shifting and lowering myself properly on the balcony floor, ignoring the wetness seeping through my clothes. "I forgot how perceptive you are," I said quietly, struggling with my words.

"Has something happened?" Bella asked. There was worry in her golden eyes. "Where were you with Alice?"

Taking a deep breath, I glanced at the storming sky once more before turning to Bella. "We weren't far," I answered. "I only needed to clear my thoughts, and... Alice confirmed something I already knew."

Bella's brow furrowed. "What do you mean?" she asked. "Has she seen something? About Jasper and the others?"

I shook my head. "Not in a while. They are still searching, but finding Victoria and her accomplices has proved to be more difficult than we expected." I took another deep breath, grasping Bella's hand gently. "I need you to be safe," I whispered. "The sooner Victoria is found, the better. And I intend to make sure that she harms no one ever again."

There was fear in Bella's eyes. Her fingers grasped my hand almost desperately, but her voice was almost devoid of emotion as she spoke.

"When you say that _you_ intend to make sure..." she began, dropping her gaze momentarily before lifting her eyes again. She stared over my shoulder, not meeting my gaze.

"Jasper and Eleazar might need my assistance," I answered softly. "I _need _you to be safe, Bella," I repeated, knowing that my sanity depended on her welfare.

"You're leaving," she stated then, very quietly. The expression on her face was suddenly very blank.

"I will return to you," I promised. My fingers sought her chin, and I tilted her head gently to see her eyes. "It breaks my heart not to be here when you need me," I whispered, starting to feel torn again. "And if you wish me to stay, of course I will. But I want you to know how greatly I need to be sure of your safety, and the only option to ensure that is for me to help Jasper and Eleazar."

The empty expression on Bella's face disappeared as I spoke. The emotion in her eyes was a mix of fear and despair. "Of course I don't want you to go," she declared, her voice suddenly so loud that it made her flinch. She closed her eyes, taking and deep breath. The tips of her fingers pressed against my skin. "I'm afraid," she whispered, opening her eyes.

"You don't have to be," I assured, reaching out with my arm to draw her closer against my side. Bella leaned her head against my chest, and I pressed a kiss on the top of her head. "I will make sure that no one will harm you ever again," I vowed. "I promise."

The weight disappeared from my chest as Bella drew back to look at me. "I'm not afraid for myself," she said. "I'm afraid for Jasper, and for Emmett. And for Eleazar, and Kate, Irina and Tanya. And now _you _are leaving..." she shook her head, and I was surprised to see something new in her eyes; she seemed almost angry.

"You have no reason to worry," I reassured.

"Would you stop saying that already," Bella exclaimed, pushing herself up from the floor. Her outburst shocked me, and it took me a moment until I recovered from my surprise.

"You keep saying stuff like that and expect me to eat it up," she fumed.

I stood up slowly, noting that her voice was more hurt than angry.

"No one tells me anything," she continued. "And I just keep wondering what is really going on and how much you're leaving out to prevent me from getting upset. You don't have to tiptoe around me, okay? There's nothing you can say to damage me more than I already am."

Her last words shattered my heart. I let out a breath, running a hand through my wet hair. The thunder roared above us again, and a violent gust of wind made Bella's long hair whirl around her.

I reached out with my hand towards Bella, the thunder nearly suffocating my words.

"Come inside," I requested. "Please."

She complied after a moment, her shoulders dropping as if she were tired. I opened the door to the bedroom and guided her inside.

The atmosphere was much more peaceful indoors without the storm thundering right above our heads. The noise was still quite prominent, and I silently wondered Alice's and Carmen's urge to spent their time in the garden when the weather was so fierce.

After finding a towel from the bathroom, I searched Bella's expression for a moment before leading her to sit down on the bed. The earlier anger seemed to be gone, and now she seemed almost depressed. I hadn't heard her talking with so many words after we had found her, and her sudden ourburst still caused surprise in me.

"I didn't mean to yell at you," she whispered as I sat down next to her. Giving her a reassuring smile, I started to feel actually relieved after witnessing that reaction from her. During the last few days she had been so impassive and absent, and although I understood her confusion and disinterest in everything, I had to admit than seeing her showing emotions relieved me a lot.

"It's alright," I reassured, dabbing her face and wet hair with the towel. "I understand why you are upset, and I admit that it hasn't been right of me to keep you in the dark. But I did it only to protect you. I didn't want you to worry about the matters that you can't help. You've been through so much already," I explained.

"I can handle it," Bella whispered. "Uncertainty is a lot worse than knowing about things."

I held her gaze for a while, trying to decipher if she only tried to convince me even when she wasn't ready to hear everything. But Bella met my gaze boldly, and I realized that she was indeed very serious and not attempting to conceal her true feelings concerning the matter. "All right," I consented. "I won't hide anything from you from now on, but I have to tell you that there's very little you don't already know right now."

Bella's golden eyes were dubious, trying to see the truth behind my words. "So nothing has happened?" she asked. "To Jasper or Emmett, or to the others?"

"No," I assured. "They are well."

Bella's eyes left mine, and I saw her glancing down at her hand. The simple bracelet rested on her palm, and she searced it with her gaze for a while before closing her fingers again. That repetitive action was already familiar to me, and I started to wonder the reason behind that small gesture.

Bella raised her gaze again, but her eyes were empty. A sharp twinge of pain gashed my heart, and I knew that I had caused that emptiness.

"You do know why I need to leave?" I asked, tucking a lock of moist hair behind her ear. Bella closed her eyes, her hands balling into fists. "After I have done what I need to do to make you safe, I will come back," I promised again, desperately wondering how to make this more easier for her to endure.

"You're putting yourself at risk because of me," Bella whispered. "They all are putting themselves at risk."

"That's what family is all about," I answered. "About protecting each other, protecting the ones we love. And I love you, more than words can describe."

Bella closed her eyes, and for a moment she didn't speak or move. Then she leaned her head against my chest, hiding her expression from me.

"You give too much," she murmured very quietly. "You sacrifice so much because of me. I'm not worth all that. If something happens..."

"Nothing will happen," I assured. "We have number on our side." I pulled back from her slightly, trying to meet her gaze. "And as for your earlier words, you're very much worth it. You're everything to me, Bella, and if I could give my life for you, I would do so gladly."

"Don't say that," she pleaded, pressing her head against my shoulder again. Her fingers grasped the fabric of my shirt almost desperately. There was urgency in that touch, as if she relinquished her hold I might suddenly be gone.

It made me realize that she really might think that way.

"I'll stay for tonight," I promised, my lips brushing the silky mahogany hair. "I won't leave without telling you, and without knowing that you've accepted it."

Bella let out a quick breath. "Do you honestly think that I will be fine with you leaving?" she asked. "Do you think that I can accept the fact that others are constantly putting their lives at risk because of me?" The weight disappeared from my shoulder again as she pulled away to look at me. There was anger in her eyes again, frustration. "You can't expect me to be fine with something like that."

There was little I could do to change her way of thinking. I knew that she must be frustrated, and her distorted self-image causing her constantly to believe that she was somehow a burden to others didn't ease the situation either. I tried to see all this from her point of view, and it wasn't that difficult; I knew that if Bella was about to rush head-on into danger, I would do anything to stop her.

But there was no other option for me in this situation. Victoria and her accomplices along with Laurent needed to be found. The threat they posed to Bella and to the rest of the family simply couldn't go unnoticed. It was like Alice had said earlier; we couldn't move on until the threat towards our family was gone.

And I was choiceless in other means as well. There was something lurking and building inside of me, something I couldn't consider as a part of myself. Something I had never felt before, something I had always felt pleased not having.

I was always the composed one, the one to shun the violence. The one to think that anger was something to avoid. The one to think that the feeling was so wasteful that it ruined you.

But now, I knew; it wouldn't ruin me, and I wouldn't shun or avoid it. And I started to believe that maybe I had denied that feeling from myself for too long time. That maybe it had been a part of me longer than I even knew.

The storm outside quieted slowly, and soon the grey skies darkened as the night consumed the day. Bella talked very little as the hours passed by, and I even begun to think that she was horribly upset with me when she disappeared outside to the balcony once more. It made me regret my decision to leave to aid Jasper and the others, but I knew I had very little choice.

It was agonizing to be torn this way. In many ways, I knew that Jasper and Eleazar could benefit from my presence. But I couldn't be sure which emotion was urging me to leave. Was it the wish to help and shield my family from the threat, or was it the anger, the _thirst_ to punish those who had harmed the one very dear to me? Surely it had to be both. I had never thought that anger and love could exist in one mutual notion, but apparently it was possible.

But I still had to wonder; had the anger made me selfish? Was I putting the fury as my first priority, even when I knew that Bella needed support right now? Christ, it only has been a few days since we found her, and now I was about to leave her... What was I doing?

A quiet sound disrupted my ruminations, and soon the door of the balcony opened. Bella appeared to the door, and I was surprised to see that her eyes were more alive now than during any of the past days. There were emotions in her, and even though she was far from happy and joyous, I was relieved to see the empty and hollow expression disappearing from her face.

I stood up from the bed where I was still sitting on, dropping the towel from my hands. The fabric was crumpled after my tight hold.

I followed Bella with my gaze as she walked over to the wooden bedside table. Reaching out with her forefinger, she brushed the delicate withered rose resting on the dark surface. I couldn't help but thinking that she resembled that rose in many ways. Even after torment and trials, after almost withering away like that rose, there was beauty in her. Beauty that astounded me day after day, and I would always be awed by it. By her.

There had always been beauty in Bella, both inner and outer. I had noticed it years and years ago when I had first met her in Forks. She had been a teenager in body, but in mind and soul she had been very much mature, wise even. There had been little wistfulness in her back then - that sorrow and grief had become from the events that had occurred later in her life.

During the winter and spring, she had been able to leave behind some of that sorrow. There had been a certain freedom in her, freedom I had never witnessed before. But that freedom had been taken away from her by a person who had already given her much grief, and that same person was responsible of the shadow that was now casted upon her soul.

Bella's fingers left the withered rose. She gazed at me searchingly, and beneath the worry and fear I saw something else.

She looked determined. It made me slightly concerned, making me wonder what she could have in mind.

Sitting down on the edge of the bed, she gestured for me to sit down next to her again. I did so very willingly, relief flooding over me after seeing that she seemed so eager to have a conversation. It was a healthy change, and a very welcome one.

I waited in silence, studying Bella's expression as she gazed at the blue walls of the room.

"I have a question," she announced quietly. She didn't sound upset like she had before, but there was the same determination in her voice, the same decisiveness as a moment earlier.

"Ask anything," I encouraged, leaning my forearms to my knees and studying her expression again.

Bella turned to look at me, narrowing her eyes momentarily.

"When you leave," she began slowly, "what are you going to do once finding Eleazar and the others?"

I opened my mouth to answer, knowing that the question was the same I had kept asking from myself.

"I'm not quite sure yet," I answered, wetting my lips. "Our first priority is to find Victoria and the rest of her confederates. I might be useful in tracking their traces."

Bella raised her brow. "And then what?" she asked. Her eyes took a darker shade, and for a moment she looked frightened again. "Are you going to kill her?"

I opened my mouth for an answer again, but no words came out. I started to wonder how Bella would feel about my intentions. Would it change the way she saw me, knowing that I had given in to my feral anger? Would she see me as a different person?

"She cannot be left alive," I answered softly.

Bella was ruminative for a while, giving me another searching glance. "I know," she answered just as softly, and I had a sudden feeling of something passing between us. It was as though she knew of my anger and intentions. That she knew of my compelling need to be the one to end Victoria's life.

She knew, and that made her fear. I wanted to banish that fear, I wanted her to focus on herself instead of worrying about me.

"I get it if you want to go," she spoke again very quietly, locking her gaze with mine. "I don't like it, but I get it. But I guess I just don't understand if there's anything anyone can do. When we were driving home, didn't you say that the Volturi are interested in having Victoria in their guard?"

I gave her a reluctant nod. She had announced the core of our problem, the one I hadn't found a solution to.

"We will find a way to do something," I answered. The words were lame and weak, and it was nothing she deserved to hear. I wanted to offer her reassurance, but was unable to do so.

There was seriousness in Bella's eyes as she met my gaze. "What if you can't?" she asked.

I reached out with my hand to clasp her fingers. "We will," I promised, desperately wanting to believe my own words.

I didn't know if Bella believed my words either. There was uncertainty in her, and also fear and need for reassurance. Reassurance that she knew I couldn't give at the moment. I had only my words to offer, and I prayed that they weren't empty words. That they would be enough.

The time seemed to pass differently during the next hours. I had expected the night to be over way too soon, since we both knew that I was about to leave in the break of dawn. But the seconds were kind to us, and the time passed by languidly as though to say that there was no hurry. I definitely was in no hurry any longer as Bella layed down on the bed, hesitantly pulling me down next to her.

I layed on my side, shifting until she was pressed against my chest. Her breaths were warm against my skin, and it made me warmer than ever before_. _I felt simply blessed as I held her, and I silently made an oath to God Himself that I would never let any harm come to her ever again. That oath made me more determined if possible, and I knew it in my heart then; there was no such option as to let all this end badly. Victoria had caused enough havoc, and it was only a matter of time before she faced her own destruction.

Bella spoke quietly as the seconds - those gracious and endless seconds - passed by, prolonging our short time together as if they knew how desperately I wanted to stay.

"How are you even going to find them?" she whispered, and she sounded more worried than ever before.

"If I can't reach Emmett or Jasper, or any of the Denalis, Alice will guide me through it," I answered.

Bella closed her eyes and shifted her head, glancing down where her hand was pressed against my chest. Her touch left me to reveal the simple bracelet resting on her palm. She opened her eyes to gaze at it for a while.

"You do that a lot," I whispered softly, a wordless question in my statement.

Bella glanced at me, folding her other arm behind her head.

"Do what?" she asked.

"Look at the bracelet," I answered. "I've noticed it, and it only makes me curious."

Bella was silent for a while, her golden eyes studying the simple ornament in the shape of the sun.

"I like it," she whispered simply. But there was melancholy and sadness in her tone and in the depths of her golden eyes, and soon I found out why.

"When I was..._there_," Bella continued, letting out a trembling breath before continuing, "this was the only thing that kept me who I was." Her words, very quiet and still sorrowful, were accompanied with another quick glance at the simple bracelet. The meaning of it was evidently greater than I had even known, and I found my heart warming after hearing her words. Warming, but also growing colder when I thought of those things she had endured.

I knew very little of the things that had occurred during her captivity - this was the first time Bella spoke of it voluntarily. I only had my own suspicions and notions and Alice's vague knowledge she had received through her visions, but the rest remained unknown. I knew the subject was difficult for Bella to talk about, and as ardently as I wished to know of the things that now shadowed her spirit, I didn't want to force her to speak. I knew she needed to, eventually, but I felt that she deserved some peace and quiet rather than to be forced to relive those awful things. It only had been a few days since she had been found, and at times I felt that Bella had to struggle to get a hold of normal life.

Her almost constant bewilderment in everything proved how harsh these last weeks had been for her. It seemed challenging for her to get used to everything around her again. Most of the time she was very intactive, constantly immersing herself in her own thoughts. I had tried to make conversation with her several times, but she seemed unwilling to share the thoughts burdening her mind.

Bella's quiet voice nearly startled me, breaking my stream of thoughts.

"Rosalie said that you haven't been in the hospital for a long time," she murmured against my chest.

I searched the line of her jaw with my fingers, taking a deep breath before answering.

"No," I admitted. "I haven't."

Bella swallowed, and judging from the way her fingers flexed against my skin, there was something upsetting in that small acknowledgement.

"Because of me?" she whispered, efficiently confusing me.

I shifted back to see her expression, frowning slightly. There was sadness in Bella's eyes, that constant sadness I couldn't erase no matter how I struggled.

"I needed to find you," I stated. "And I couldn't have done that if I had a responsibility elsewhere."

Bella bit her lip, not meeting my eyes. I reached out to ease her lip from between her teeth, then stroked her cheek tenderly.

"Does it upset you for some reason?" I asked, confused about her reaction.

Bella gazed me finally. "Did you resign?" she asked.

"No," I answered. "I'm on a longer leave of absence for now."

Bella seemed to relax visibly. I realized that she had worried if I had given up my job because her - it was nearly difficult to comprehend her unrest towards the matter. Even though I enjoyed every second I spent in the hospital, there was simply no way to compare that to the importance when it came to Bella. Even the notion of comparing was absurd.

She still seemed to think of herself as unimportant, as a burden of some sort. And I didn't know how to make her see how far from those things she was. She was a complete opposite of those things.

Sounds coming from downstairs disrupted my thoughts. Bella stiffened against me as I heard Rosalie calling out Alice's name. Her voice was quiet, but there was urgency in it.

"What is it?" I heard Carmen asking.

Exchanging a look with Bella, I sat up on the bed. "Stay here," I suggested, giving her a smile that I hoped to be reassuring.

Alice gasped downstairs, and after that the silence was heavy. It only lasted for a very short moment before Rosalie and Carmen were pelting her with questions.

"What is happening?" Rosalie demanded.

"Alice?" Carmen asked, her voice more patient but laced with worry.

I had stood up after hearing Alice's gasp, and as I started to make my way to the door, strong fingers suddenly grasped mine. I turned to see Bella, her eyes wide with worry and fear, gazing up at me. Swallowing my own concern along with the words to request her to stay here, I clasped her hand to lead her downstairs with me. Her earlier wish to know everything was fresh in my mind and I wanted to honor it, even when I felt the compelling need to shield her from everything.

Bella clung to my arm as we arrived downstairs. We both had the same thoughts in our minds; had something happened? Was someone hurt? Had they found Victoria?

We found Alice from the kitchen, her pale fingers clasping a handful of wildflowers she had been arranging into a bowl. The task was left unfinished as her strong fingers crushed the delicate plants, and the sharp scent of cornflower filled the large room. Alice barely noticed. Her golden eyes were staring blankly at the table top, the visions of future taking all of her focus.

Carmen and Rosalie stood beside her, both of them looking as anxious as I felt.

"Wait," Alice whispered, and I didn't know if she spoke to us or was she reacting to the visions she saw. Her eyes were focused for a moment, but the moment of clarity was soon gone as she shook her head, seeming to be bewildered by something she witnessed.

I moved closer. Bella was mortally quiet, her tight grip around my arm nearly painful now.

"Alice," I prompted, exchanging a gaze with Carmen and Rosalie. Rosalie's expression was furiously determined - she always looked such way when she was stressed. She rarely showed fear openly, and during the years I had learned that anger was sometimes her way of showing concern.

"Alice!" she hissed between her teeth.

Alice shook her head, raising her hands to her temples. "Too many decisions," she moaned. "Everything keeps changing... Eleazar has to stop it!"

I was more alert if possible after hearing her words. I stepped closer again, suppressing the urge to prise Bella's painful grip away from my arm. Instead I pulled her even closer, nestling her head against my chest. She was awfully still in my embrace; her fear had overcome everything else.

Carmen sat down next to Alice. She seemed to be calmer than Rosalie, slowly reaching out to touch Alice's shoulder.

"What does Eleazar has to stop?" she asked. "What is happening?"

"They are arguing," Alice breathed.

"Who?" I asked, trying to reach Alice's gaze. But it was useless; her eyes didn't see my demanding gaze.

The seconds stretched painfully slowly as we waited for Alice to give us answers. It was obvious that wherever Jasper and Eleazar were, and whatever the current situation was, it was chaotic. Alice's visions depended on the decisions that were made, and monitoring the futures of several vampires at the same second bound to be challenging.

After a moment of tenseness Alice relaxed slightly. She closed her eyes, and I was able to see her resigned frown before she covered her face with her palms.

I exchanged a frightened look with Carmen.

What could have occurred, I was afraid to ask. If something had happened - if someone had lost his life...

"Alice?" I asked, swallowing thickly. Bella's fingers pressed against my skin.

Alice let out a long breath. "It's fine," she murmured. "For a moment I thought... but then they had to retreat and they are on their way now."

I couldn't make heads of tails of her words. But her voice was calmer than I expected, and it caused me to believe that nothing too serious had taken place. I pressed my mouth against Bella's forehead, letting the relief flood over me.

"What happened?" I asked. Rosalie collapsed on the nearest chair, mouthing silent words towards the sky.

Hands fell from Alice's face. Her expression was a mix of dissatisfaction and relief.

"The situation boiled over," Alice sighed. "I knew that the Volturi would cause trouble sooner or later."

"You said that they were arguing," Carmen prompted.

"Yes," Alice answered. "But Jasper and Eleazar had it under control in time to prevent anything worse from happening." She shook her head, lowering her gaze momentarily before meeting my gaze. "I'm sorry, Carlisle," she said. "They had to back out."

I clenched my jaw, nodding. "I see," I sighed, unsure which emotion to go through. "Maybe this was bound to happen. We have known for some time that there was a difference in our goals."

Rosalie let out a quiet breath. "They are coming home?" she asked, sounding dubious.

Alice nodded. "They have no choice but to turn back. I saw the other outcome - it would have escalated to a full fight if Jasper and the others had insisted on continuing with the search."

I felt Bella stirring against me. She had been awfully still during the whole time, and her light frame against my chest was still tense. I knew the situation had startled her as much as it had startled the rest of us.

I tightened my hold of her, attempting to soothe her. She lifted her head from my chest, the expression on her face portraying different tones of relief. I was relieved as well, now when I knew that no one was harmed. But I couldn't ignore the sharp sting of dissatisfaction after realizing that the situation was now much more complicated than a moment earlier.

The Volturi had apparently forbidden the continuation of our search, which practically meant that Victoria was out of our reach. I couldn't bring myself to believe it.

"What exactly happened?" I inquired. "What occurred that made the Volturi suddenly decide that we can't participate any longer?" We had known for a while now of the Volturi's true intentions, but the knowledge of it brought me no comfort. And a small corner of my heart had hoped that our cooperation would continue, and that we could find a mutual understanding concerning the matter. Beyond the disappointment, I found myself irritated at myself, wondering if there had been something I could have done to prevent the situation from coming so heated.

Alice frowned. "I'm not sure," she answered. "I saw Jasper finding two traces, and one of the Volturi guards - I don't know his name - insisted that their group should follow the one that was Victoria's. Emmett didn't agree, and nor did Eleazar."

"Did he try to negotiate about Victoria's future?" I asked.

Alice nodded, frowning. "Yes," she revealed. "But it's obvious that they refuse to kill her. Jasper and Eleazar still tried to convince the Volturi otherwise, but then one of them said that they have new orders to dismiss us from the search."

Rosalie hissed.

"New orders?" I asked. "From who exactly?"

Alice shrugged. "I don't know. It could be Aro, or it could be Caius or Marcus. I haven't kept tabs on them for a while because they are still in Italy. Otherwise I would have seen their decision earlier."

Silence fell after Alice's words. There was little to say; the situation had become a lot more difficult. There was a part of me telling me that I shouldn't feel this betrayed. That I shouldn't have thought the Volturi as our allies. That it had been a mistake even to fathom the idea of it.

It was Carmen who spoke next, picking up a crumpled cornflower from the table top. "What now?" she asked. "What can we do?"

I shook my head. My thoughts were tangled, the disarray of emotions overwhelming me.

"We need to coordinate," I sighed, desperately trying to form a plan in my mind. It was useless. "We wait until the others return, and then we contemplate the situation together. And after that we know more about what occurred with the Volturi. I'm sure that Jasper and the others have more information when they return."

Rosalie stood up from the chair, her golden eyes meeting mine. Her voice was curious as she spoke, but there was also uneasiness in her tone.

"You're not planning on going against the Volturi, are you?" she asked.

The thought had entered my mind briefly, I had to admit. But we all knew what would come from that.

"It would be a death sentence for us all," I mused.

Bella started breathing again. There was something weary in her expression as she gazed at the floor, and I started to question my decision to let her know of the situation. She had endured enough already, and it wasn't right that she should constantly be concerned.

Alice informed that Jasper and the others would be back by tomorrow evening. All we could do at the moment was to wait. The notion was burdensome, and I found myself more impatient than ever before. My earlier decision to leave to aid Eleazar and the others had brought me relief. The knowledge that I could do something to help to solve the situation was alleviating, but now that feeling was gone. Our hands were tied, and there was very little I could do.

Eventually I led Bella back to upstairs. Words of comfort and reassurance played on my lips, but I held them back. I couldn't offer those things to her now, and she would be offended if I tried. Because those words would be a lie, and I couldn't lie to her.

But I was very honest as I made her a promise instead. A promise I intended to keep, and I would gladly burn in the fires of Hell before failing to keep that promise.

Closing the door of our bedroom behind me, I turned to her. I waited until she met my gaze, and then I took her hand, bringing it up to rest on my silent chest. The heart beneath her palm was quiet and still, but I hoped that it wouldn't matter to her.

"I know you're concerned," I whispered. "So am I. But I promise, that I won't let anything bad happen to you. This all will end well, I promise to see to that. Do you understand me, Bella?"

She drew in a trembling breath, and I realized that she was moved by my simple words. The venom coiled in her golden eyes as she nodded, soft words leaving her lips. There was trust in her voice, even when I had done very little to deserve it.

"I know," she whispered. There was a sudden uncertainty in her eyes, as if she worried about my answer to her next question. "You don't have to leave?" she asked, looking for assurance.

"No," I answered. "It's no use to go now when - "

My sentence was cut off by the feeling of urgent lips pressing against mine, and there was a brief moment before I overcame my surprise. I don't know what astonished me the most; was it Bella's unexpected need for my proximity, the proximity she had seemed to avoid for the past days, or was it her spontaneus reaction after learning that I wouldn't leave - her apparent joy after knowing that I would stay.

It seemed like an eternity since my lips had caressed hers this way. An eternity since I had been able to feel her slender frame pressed against me, an eternity since the last time she had been so _near_. There was no distance between me and her now, no gazes of emptiness and pain. Those things that had distanced her from me weren't here now. They still might exist in me and her, but they were forgotten. Put aside, concealed by this present moment.

Another second of savoring, another moment of closeness, another kiss of lingering bliss, and then she left me. But not completely; the press of her fingertips against my shoulders was sharp, the scent of strawberries and freesia crisp in my notrils. Crisp and new, familiar and sweet.

Bella was still very close. So close that I could see the golden glimmering of my own irises reflected back from hers. She watched my reaction carefully, warily almost. As if I could be affected by her kiss in a way that was somehow unsuitable, or out of place in some other way.

How absurd.

I tightened my hold of her, and simply observed her in the way she observed me. The action was more than pleasant, and I knew that I could watch her from sunrise to sundown incessantly, and never grow tired of it.

Her lips opened to release whispered words. They were murmured quietly, but assuredly.

"I'm glad," she whispered, "that you stay."

"Hmm," I hummed agreeingly, still breathless after the sudden, shared kiss. Pressing my lips against hers briefly once more, I drew back again. "I nearly thought that I misread your response," I teased, managing to draw a smile from her.

It was the first genuine smile I witnessed since she had been taken away from us, and the first genuine smile since she had returned. I felt blessed by that smile, and I rejoiced quietly as I was able to behold that sight once again. To know, that even after everything that had happened, even after everything she had endured, she was able to give me that smile.

I suddenly found myself forgetting the earlier impatience towards the situation, and all the pent-up frustration was suddenly gone from me as I saw that small smile on Bella's lips. Her effect on me managed to astonish me somewhat, although perhaps it shouldn't have. I should already know of the hundreds different ways she could affect me, and not be surprised by them.

But Bella had the ability to surprise me. Perhaps that was one of those rare things that never changed, and I found myself hoping that it never would. That her spirit, her very essence, would never change.

Outside the dawn was slowly breaking, the rays of sun illuminating the early morning sky with different tones of red and tangerine. The sight of it brought me hope, and managed to calm my mind even more. But soon I forgot the sun, and nearly everything else, because I caught a glimpse of Bella's eyes again. And my gaze remained there, in the golden depths of her irises, and I knew that rare things could capture me in the way her eyes did.

We watched the sunrise together as we waited for the rest of our family to return home. And even though the difficulty of the situation burdened the both of us, and even though the uncertainty shadowed our minds and whispered troubling thoughts into our ears, those things couldn't corrode our hearts.

I took Bella's hand in my own. The small sun made of silver was nestled between our skins as we watched another sun brightening the sceneries surrounding our home.

And hand in hand, together, we waited.

* * *

**AN: **Hello, and thank you for your reviews! My summer has been very busy so far, but I guess that's why someone invented the rainy days; it gives me the chance to write more :)  
Keep those reviews coming, I'm more than interested to read how you're liking it so far. And it's always nice to hear theories about the possible upcoming events. Will Victoria get away once again? Will the Volturi cause more trouble? Eeks.

Carlisle's "We need to coordinate." is a quote from the movie Eclipse. Don't own it, unfortunately.


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